Good Old Bill Plaschke

So I wanted to find something stupid.  I don't know if I am just off my game, but it's harder to find outright stupid on ESPN.com these days, so I decided to read some of Bill Plaschke's latest screed. Here's a recent puff piece about a grindy old  white middle infielder!  I'll bet you didn't realize the greatness of a truly unsung Dodger hero: Mark Ellis.

As the sports world is learning with every jaw-dropping win, these suddenly delightful Dodgers are a team of many faces.

As opposed to the crosstown Angels, who are a team of ONE FACE.  And it's the face of Ernesto Frieri.

They include Yasiel Puig's giant look of wonder, Juan Uribe's impish grin, A.J. Ellis' grimace,Clayton Kershaw's scowl, and occasionally even Don Mattingly's smile.

That is a lot of faces.  The Dodgers sound like a bunch of manic depressives.  And if there's any word that describes Juan Uribe, a 33 year old man, it's impish.

Then there is The Stare. It's solid, expressionless, powerful in its confident calm, a constant in the Dodgers' dizzying array of emotion.

"Solid, expressionless, powerful in its confident calm". Woah!  That's a lot of adjectives. "Dizzying array".  I'm getting vertigo just reading this stuff. It sure sounds like these Dodgers need Mark Ellis to calm things down. He's the Zoloft of baseball players.

Dodgers fans know The Stare. They see it on Ellis from the moment he steps on to the field, as endemic to his appearance as the blue lettering across his chest.

Uniforms are endemic to players... until they take them off at the end of the game.  Unless maybe Mark Ellis has a Dodgers tattoo on his chest. It's all part of his confident calm.

 He stares at the hitter from the field, the pitcher from the plate, the game from the dugout, the giant season from his small spot.

Bill, thanks for illustrating for us readers.  It makes the baseball game come alive in our minds.  We can imagine where Mark Ellis stands!   Except for that last one: where exactly is this "small spot" that Mark Ellis is staring at the giant season?

Is Mark Ellis's spot any smaller than other players' spots?

It's also apparently really cute when Mark Ellis' 6-year-old son, Briggs, imitates it while playing tee ball in the middle of his living room.

"Yeah, he taps the bat on the ground and then goes into that look,'' said Ellis with a laugh. "I'm thinking, you know, he's really got it down."

"Oh, c'mon, sometimes I laugh at Puig and Uribe; the cameras just don't catch that,'' he said.

Guess not.

Even Mark seems to understand basic sampling.  If only Bill would learn that lesson.  

You could see The Stare in high definition Wednesday night in Toronto when Ellis calmly strolled to the plate in the 10th inning with no hits in his previous four at-bats to face a pitcher he had never seen.

Stare. Strike one. Stare. Strike two. Stare. Boom.

Bill is varying his sentence length, folks. That's a tip for you young writers out there!  The short sentences really heighten the drama.

Ellis launched a rocket off Juan Perez into the Rogers Centre second deck for a two-run, tiebreaking home run, then quickly rounded the bases as if hurrying back to work after a long lunch break. His teammates surrounded him in giddiness, but The Stare remained for another half-inning until the Dodgers had finished off an improbable 8-3 victory.

An excellent story. Except that Mark Ellis would never take a long lunch break, since he is busy working and staring and grinding.

"We still had work to do," Ellis said. "I have always been taught, this is only three hours of your life, and if you can't give it your full concentration for three hours, then maybe you should do something else."

I like the "maybe" in here, as though Ellis didn't want to offend anyone, like the guy with the fifth-most home runs in major league history, who doesn't have to give his full concentration even in the ninth inning of playoff games when there are bikini models in the stands.  He probably doesn't want to earn that guy's enmity.  Maybe he should do something else.  Actually, maybe he will!

Ellis, who is the oldest member of the regular lineup at age 36, did not start in Thursday's homecoming loss to the Cincinnati Reds at Dodger Stadium because he was batting a career .091 against Reds starter Mat Latos.

Too bad, because the Dodgers are 37-23 when he starts, and that doesn't begin to measure his solid-as-South-Dakota impact on this year's team.

Oh man.  I don't even know where to start here.  Rather than recognizing that Ellis's .091 average is only 11 ABs, he mentions that the Dodgers have won a lot of games when he started.  It's the worst stat ever, and even major news outlets occasionally misuse it to a staggering extent.  

Also, what makes South Dakota more solid than any other state?  Mount Rushmore or something?  Is Mount Rushmore solider than the other mountains?  I bet Alaska is pretty darn solid.  Is he just looking for alliteration?  I guess South Dakota is a lot more solid than South Carolina.  Or the Susquehanna river.  Or San Francisco. 

Oh yeah, he learned The Stare while growing up in Rapid City, S.D., a place where the good people wear their stoicism like overcoats, a place where he didn't play high school baseball because it was too cold for a high school baseball season.

Oh, ok.  Mark Ellis is from South Dakota, where people are more morally solid than in South Carolina.  Well, I guess South Dakota's only institutional racism was against Native Americans, so that's half as many institutional racisms as South Carolina. And in South Carolina people can't wear their stoicism like overcoats, because they don't even need overcoats.

"That's the way we are up there, we never get too high or low,'' Ellis said. "Like those NFL players and those touchdown dances? We're not too high on that.''

Good old fashioned grinders. 

It is this attitude that helped Ellis endure an injury last season that nearly cost him his leg after he was hit by the St. Louis Cardinals' Tyler Greene while attempting to turn a double play. It is also an attitude that has helped him thrive this year in connecting when it counts.

Two bold stats: With a runner on third and fewer than two out, he is hitting .727 with 19 RBIs in 17 plate appearance. In tie games, he is .329 with three of his five home runs.

Last year, in 14 PA with a runner on 3rd and less than 2 outs, Mark Ellis scored a measly 36% of the runners.  His career number is 50%.  Sure makes his 2013 numbers seem like random variation rather than the results of The Stare.  Ostensibly, Mark Ellis has had The Stare since his boyhood in solid-old-South Dakota.  Maybe it only really takes effect and makes him clutch when  he is surrounded by a hysterical bunch of manic depressives.

"This game takes all kinds, and Mark is one of those kinds," said Mattingly, the Dodgers' manager. "He's solid … bread and butter … nothing flashy, just gets it done."

While the hitting stars such as Puig and Hanley Ramirez get the headlines, it is the guys paddling furiously below who have fueled this Dodgers uprising, guys such as the Ellis duo, Skip Schumaker,Nick Punto and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Mark Ellis WAR: 1.9, AJ Ellis  WAR: 2.2, Skip Schumaker WAR: -0.4, Nick Punto WAR: 0.8, Jerry Hairston Jr. WAR 0.0.  I bet the "Ellis duo" feels like the just citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah who got lumped in with all the assholes and everyone went down together in a flaming destruction. 

OK, that analogy doesn't make a lot of sense.

The Stare symbolizes those guys. The Stare is what makes you think this hot streak can endure.

The Stare.  The Stare.  The Stare.  The Stare.  That's what makes you think the Dodgers will keep winning, not Clayton Kershaw's 1.87 ERA or Hanley Ramirez and Yasiel Puig OPSing over 1 in over 200 PA.

Ellis eventually played Thursday, batting in the ninth inning, knocking a pinch single into right field against a zillion-mile-a-hour fastball from Aroldis Chapman. He was stranded on third base as the game ended, but at least he was there. He's pretty much always there.

Mark Ellis: always there.

"This is what we do, this is our job," Ellis said. "You just get it done."

That was a very meaningful insight, Mark Ellis.

Three hours, and one stare, at a time.

Two examples of Mark Ellis's late-game hits and a couple of misplaced stats and a facial expression.  BOOM.  Plaschke gold.  

Your most recent dose of inanity from Terry Francona

Slowly (very very slowly), this is becoming a recurring event. It's Sunday. I want to post something, but don't have time or energy for a long post. I look for a source for something about which to make a quick post. I turn on ESPN. Either Baseball Tonight is on, or Sunday Night Baseball is on. I listen to either Kruk or Francona for three-ish minutes. Presto, there's my post. Tonight: during the Braves/Mets game, Terry riffs about Atlanta's new players.

Orel Hershiser: Terry, Earlier you mentioned the moves the Braves made.
Terry: They acquired, as Fredi [Gonzalez] said, baseball players. 

Savvy move.  The Astros are like 5-60 since June 1st because they have wasted time and money acquiring pro surfers.

Reed Johnson is a gym rat. 

I hate picking nits when it comes to dumb non-analysis, but isn't a gym rat who has a spot on an MLB team, like, the opposite of a capital B Baseball capital P Player?  I think of the latter as someone who has great instincts and natural talent for the game (even if they're not particularly athletic), and the former as someone who sucks at baseball but works out a lot and hustles a lot and endears himself management so he always has a job.  Also, Reed Johnson sucks at baseball.

He's at the ballpark all day, 

OR IS HE IN THE GYM?  MAKE UP YOUR MIND

he knows how to play. 

Number of MLB players who know how to play baseball: all.

A guy like Eric Hinske sitting over there. 

A sentence fragment in the style of Bill Plaschke.  Eric Hinske has been a Brave for more than two years.  Also, while Eric Hinske has stunk less than Reed Johnson over the course of his career, he actually stinks worse than Johnson right now.  He's hitting .209/.287/.304 this year.  No amount of knowing how to play and being at the ballpark all day can make up for that awfulness.

They have a ballclub that understands what they're supposed to do when they show up.

You are saying absolutely nothing.  Your non-existant point is that the Braves have some players (who happen to be untalented and white and scrappy) who are dedicated to winning and prepare a lot in order to increase their chances of doing so.  And that... makes the Braves identical to the other 29 teams in MLB.  Really, the only thing you're actually saying is hidden in subtext: if guys like Johnson didn't work out all the time and hustle their asses off, they wouldn't have jobs because they sure as shit aren't very good at baseball.  

Much as I hate the Red Sox, I didn't mind Francona as their manager.  Now I wish they'd hire him back to get him away from TV microphones.

Wistful, sappy sports journalism makes me sad

[Before I begin, in honor of tomorrow night's sure to be more enjoyable if watched without sound All State Home Run Derby Brought to You by GEICO and State Farm, might as well post a link to the best voicemail I have ever received.]

Sometimes it's Sunday evening and I say to myself "I'd really like to put a post up tonight, the beginning of the week can be hectic and if I don't do one now maybe I won't get a chance until Wednesday or Thursday."  And I also say to myself at that point "Shit, I'm pretty tired and lazy.  I don't want to look all over the internets for something to post about."  How do I resolve that tension?  By turning on ESPN, of course.  This evening's garbage came from an unexpected source.  Buster Olney did a pre-scripted voiceover piece (like a slimmed down version of a 60 Minutes segment) about Bryce Harper and Mike Trout, set to sappy background music and highlights/pictures of each.  It was a goddamn disaster.  Buster, what the fuck were you trying to do here?  Unless it was "invent a narrative that doesn't exist in an attempt to be an cuntier version of Bob Costas" you failed.  Quotes are exact thanks to the magical magic of DVR.

Let the record show 

We're not in court.

that Mike Trout and Bryce Harper were called up to the majors in 2012 on the exact same day: April 28.  

Trout also played in the majors in 2011.

And no matter what they accomplish for the rest of their careers, they will be forever linked, 

???

like Tom and Jerry, (screen shows a picture of Tom and Jerry, no really, they did this, they probably had to pay rights fees for it too), Batman and Robin (still from the set of the old Adam West Batman TV, which also probably cost a shitload in rights fees), Martin and Lewis, Simon and Garfunkel.  


None of those duos are even remotely analogous to a pair of baseball players on different teams in different leagues who have never played against each other at any level and for all we know, may never have met each other.  


They will be tied together- Trout and Harper.  


By idiotic journalists doing dumb puff pieces, yes.  In the same manner as two famous musicians who were in a band together, or pair of cartoon characters who are always beating the shit out of each other?  Not even close.


And as was the case with Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, 


Much better comparison although it's kind of too late since you already brought up all those other terrible comparisons.  And even this is still not really that good, since Bird and Magic famously faced off against each other in a college national championship game and were friends/rivals before they even entered the NBA.


there will be a debate over which player you'd rather have.  The 20 year old Trout is arguably the fastest player in baseball, and is a threat to win the batting title, and the MVP, and is regarded as a shutdown centerfielder.  


"Shutdown centerfielder" is not a thing you can be.  You can be a shutdown reliever, or an outstanding centerfielder.  Pick one.


The 19 year old Harper is not as refined a hitter as Trout, but has demonstrated that he might have Ruthian power, 


Peter King thinks it's semi Bonds-like!


and that every day, he plays with the eyes and the intensity of Mike Singletary.  


You're doing a story about baseball players, so naturally, when you need to say that one is passionate about the game, you compare him to someone who doesn't play baseball.


[Long spiel about each player's stats, and how they've helped their teams]  This all before either can legally drink a beer in the United States.  


This was brought up solely to show the "That's a clown question bro" clip, which is a funny clip and all but felt kind of forced here.  Probably because this whole segment felt completely forced at all times.  It was like someone got Ken Burns really drunk and then told him to make a two minute documentary on how Harper and Trout will be forever linked.


Oakland GM Billy Beane 


Wait, who?


knows that both Trout and Harper are once in a generation talents, breaking into the big leagues at the exact same time.  


And this was all he said about Beane.  No direct quote, no anecdote about how Beane passed on Trout in the 2009 draft because he's the geniusest genius around, no explanation as to why his name was mentioned at all.  As far as we know he has exactly zero to do with either Trout or Harper.  Yet Buster cites him here.  Your guess as to why is as good as mine.


You might have to go back more than 60 years of baseball to find another duo as dynamic and as young as Trout and Harper when they first made an impact.  In 1951, the Giants promoted Willie Mays and the Yankees promoted Mickey Mantle, 


Let's slow the fuck down.  Harper and Trout have like 500 combined MLB plate appearances.  I get that they're both really talented, and playing well at a very young age, but Jeebus.  If I were a betting man I'd bet against them eventually hitting a combined 1200 home runs and both making the HOF a la Mickey and Willie.  Let's slow down and take a deep breath.  


and like those superstars, who went on to share the same song, 


A timely reference.  Fuck, I don't even get the reference, but I'm sure it's some stupid 50 year old song. Wait, unless it's We Didn't Start the Fire.  


/listens to We Didn't Star the Fire


Nope.  Only Mickey made the cut for that one.


Mike Trout and Bryce Harper will forever share a stage... 


They probably won't.  They have no relationship that predates their arrival in the big leagues.  Until and unless they change teams and end up in the same league, they'll only play each other once every three or four years.  Their teams are based thousands of miles apart.  Like, I'd sort of get this sentiment if Harper was a Dodger or Trout was an Oriole.  But there's really nothing here.  They play the same position, I guess.  They are both power/speed guys.  Whatever.  This was an embarrassing waste of time for Buster.


this week, as All Stars in Kansas City.  


They will forever share a stage as All Stars this week?  What?

BONUS COVERAGE:  Kruk, having witnessed Buster's incredibly stupid little segment, what are your thoughts about these two players?

They both respect the game immensely.  It's not like "I'm here, let the games begin, I'm going to save the sport." ... They don't want to draw all this attention to themselves with... with a gesture on the field, that, that, that kind of disrespects the opponent.  They play the game the right way, and they're great great players.

You are a complete and total buffoon.  Also: LUNCHPAIL ALERT.

John Kruk: Terrified of numbers of all kinds

I have to admit, Krukie's BBTN analysis has improved over the years.  He used to say stuff like this and this.  Lately he's a lot less offensive and has even learned to read a teleprompter.  Good for him.  Tonight, though, he put together a little mini rant that I found both amusing and illuminating.  Amusing because let's face it, it's always funny when a fat idiot gets worked up about something, and illuminating because it showed that ex-player neanderthals like him who hate advanced stats also hate any other numerical information that's not batting average/number of pitching wins.  In other words Kruk showed that the universe of stuff he'd rather not understand is a lot larger than I previously thought it was.

ESPN occasionally does these little Sport Science bits; they're actually not a huge waste of time.  They dumb down the physics behind awesome stuff that athletes do and then present their analysis with some cool-looking production.  Here's how much force LeBron generates when he jumps to dunk, here's the amount of torque Tiger Woods generates when he swings, etc.  It's like a video version of a USA Today infographic.  Early this evening on BBTN they did one about this Justin Sellers catch.  The narrator (who is not one of the anchors; it's a pre-recorded bit) described the amount of time Sellers spent looking at the ball to judge its trajectory, the "optimal acceleration cancellation" his brain used to create a vectored route that would intersect with the ball's trajectory, the speed at which he was running when he tumbled into the stands (19 mph), and the force of impact he made with the wall (somehow equivalent to being hit by a car going 20 rather than 19 mph).  It was reasonably entertaining.  And when it was over, we were taken back to the studio to get Kruk and Karl Ravech's thoughts.  Take it away, Larry B's DVR.

Sport Science narrator, wrapping things up:  Sellers manages to hold onto the ball after tumbling into the stands, and grab our play of the week.  


KR: I love it.  I love what I just saw.  I love that stuff.  There he is.  He basically caught the ball, got hit by a car, and held onto it.


JK:  At twenty miles per hour.


[graphic on screen: Most defensive runs saved by Dodgers in 2012.  Sellers is second on the team with 4 in just 90 innings in the field.]


KR:  At twenty miles per hour.  That's Justin Sellers there, Jerry Hairston Junior, as far as the Dodgers go... (obviously trolling Kruk) Krukie, what part of that resonates with you?  Was it the optimal acceleration cancellation?  


JK (sarcastically):  That was... that was where I really got into it.  (pause)  Karl.


KR (chuckling):  What.


JK:  My optical illusions told me when I watched that play that it was a great play.  I don't need science to tell me that was a great play.  I don't.  I don't care how long his eyes were on the ball.  I don't care if a car going FIFTY miles per hour hit him.


KR:  Yeah, well, that was-


JK:  He made a great play.  I didn't need science to tell me that.


KR:  Well, it allows to just-


JK (exasperated):  Sometimes, let's just use our eyes.  Let's just use our eyes!


KR:  So... you don't want to know HOW great a play it was.


JK  (still exasperated):  No.  I know how great a play it was!  It was very difficult!


KR:  He caught it.  Got hit by a car.  And held onto it.


JK: (exhales audibly)  I feel like I got hit by a car.

What's the best part of that?  Him pleading with us to "just use our eyes," as if one could enjoy Sellers' play by knowing the Sport Science facts but without actually have seen the catch?  "My optical illusions?"  Ravech unashamedly setting Kruk up for a rant against an in-house production piece?  Pretty fun.  I also enjoyed their signoff about 30 minutes later, before Sunday Night Baseball began, in which Karl awkwardly announced that they'd be back for more Baseball Tonight after the game in part because he didn't think he and Kruk had done anything to get fired during the show.  Great stuff.

Scott Miller is bad at everything

There is nothing redeeming about this article. It has no message, no insights, and no element of originality. Which is why I read it and will now make you read it too.

Adam Wainwright, Matt Holliday and now the big one: Albert Pujols is on the St. Louis shelf, leaving the baseball picture looking through the Arch

Huh? Again?

leaving the baseball picture looking through the Arch

Let's just move on.

even muddier than the mighty Mississippi below it.

When a picture is described as muddied, that means it's unclear or difficult to discern. It's not difficult to discern what the picture is like for the Cardinals right now: it sucks big time elephant ass. If Pujols was struck by lightning, knocking him out of the lineup for two weeks but possibly leaving him with even more superhuman hitting skills, that would muddy the picture. Anyways.

As if there's not enough drama, pain and angst in this Cardinals hardball season,

I certainly hope those greedy cuntwads over in the NFL can figure things out so we don't miss this fall's pigskin season.

and as if there weren't already enough questions surrounding Pujols' future, now comes a left wrist fracture,

Which sort of brings up the same questions as an uncertain contract situation if you take a lot of meth and think on it for a while.

four-to-six weeks on ice and the biggest challenge yet for Tony La Russa's gritty club.

Lunchpail alert!

This was not the Monday news the Cardinals wanted to wake up to.

But it is the kind of news they've been waking up to all season.

Ah, the ol' Bill Plaschke sentence-paragraph.

That second single-paragraph sentence was made more dramatic by the blank space surrounding it, no?

That the Cardinals are tied for first place in the NL Central with Wainwright out, eight players on the disabled list and with Chris Carpenter having produced just one victory is crazy.

The NL Central: riding the short bus since 1995. Since realignment its teams have combined to win one World Series (Cardinals in '06) and two other pennants (Cardinals in '04, Astros in '05). They're home to baseball's all-time most pathetic franchise (hint: rhymes with “tubs”) and baseball's most pathetic franchise of the past 20 years (rhymes with “zirates”).

There were people who wrote off the entire Cardinals season when they lost starting right-hander Wainwright this spring.

A favorite technique of shitty sportswriters: talk condescendingly about a vague, unidentifiable mass of people who are being proven wrong. That's a Mariotti favorite. “Some people said Jay Cutler was a big game quarterback, BUT I KNEW BETTER! AND NOW LOOK WHERE WE ARE!!!!!” I don't think anyone with any fucking credibility at all said the Cardinals' season was "lost" when Wainwright's injury came to light. At most, people talked about how either the Brewers or the Reds might be the favorite at that point.

Then Holliday had an emergency appendectomy on April 1 and missed seven games, then landed on the disabled list with a quadriceps strain last month while he was leading the NL with a .342 batting average.

AND PEOPLE SAID THAT WOULD CAUSE THE FRANCHISE TO LIQUIDATE ITS ASSETS AND LITERALLY CEASE TO EXIST! LOTS OF PEOPLE! BUT THEY WERE WRONG!

The list of fallen Cardinals goes on, from third baseman David Freese (broken hand)

Oh my! THE David Freese? The 28 year old with 26 XBHs in 400 career PAs?

to backup catcher Gerald Laird (broken finger),

Not Gerald Laird! He's one of the top 60 catchers in the league!

but we'll skip all those gory details.

There are so many that, eventually, your eyes glaze over like when one of Grandpa's stories moves onto, "Then, my drive on the 14th hole ...."

Very apt comparison. Voluntarily reading about the 10-ish injuries sustained by Cardinals players this year = being forced to humor an elderly relative who is a bad storyteller.

What's important now is that the Cardinals are stuck without their middle-of-the-order rock just when Pujols was finally turning around his season.

During the slowest start of his career, Pujols went a career-high 105 at-bats without a homer from April 24-May 23. It was like watching Bruce Springsteen on stage singing with a dead microphone.

Huh?

On May 4, Pujols was hitting .233. By May 29, his slugging percentage had dipped to .395. There was no sound, no power ... nothing.

Sound being one of the key elements of successful hitting, along with strike zone discipline, quick hands, and skin.

Everyone knew it would be only a matter of time until Pujols flexed, which is what makes the timing of this fractured wrist so miserable for the Cardinals.

Such a novel, profound perspective. Scott Miller is a fucking pro. How many baseball fans made that observation when news of the injury came out? The answer is probably somewhere between “a millionty billion” and “all of them.”

(a bunch of wasted words describing how Pujols was having a good June deleted because, well, no fucking shit he was having a good June)

Pujols has been on the disabled list just twice in his career, and the Cardinals are not accustomed to playing without him. Since 2006, Tony La Russa has only written 23 lineups that did not include Pujols' name.

But he was A GENIUS when he did so- AN ARTIST AT WORK when putting someone else at first and in Pujols's normal lineup spot. La Russa did it in a way that no other manager could have. Just ask some asshole baseball snob who knows about 5% as much as he thinks he knows and constantly puffs La Russa's penis, someone like George Will (if Will is unavailable ask Bob Costas). Tony La Russa and his No Country For Old Men haircut can't retire soon enough for me. I hope it happens as I'm writing this.

The bizarre thing is, this season started with visions of the Cardinals without Pujols, only not quite so soon. Entering the final year of his contract before free agency this winter, Pujols set an extension deadline of the day he reported to spring training.

Did he? I heard nothing of it. It was only the biggest story in all of baseball during spring training (placing it 45^th on the list of biggest stories in all of sports at that time, just behind “Favre plays catch with Mississippi high school football players” and just ahead of “Rex Ryan promises media that impending lockout won't prevent him from eating a pound of bacon per day”).

When that didn't happen, Pujols spent 30 minutes talking with the media that February day about an uncertain future, vowing that would be the last time he spoke of his personal situation.

To which the media responded: “good luck with that!”

He's kept that promise, even following a much-celebrated pre-game hug with Cubs general manager Jim Hendry at Wrigley Field in May that fueled all kinds of Pujols-as-a-future-Cub speculation.

Giving Pujols a 10 year, $300 million contract so he can give them 3 or 4 years of the downside of his prime and then become a complete payroll anchor would be such a Cubs thing to do.

As La Russa told me in May, "He's very conscious that he doesn't want to distract from what we're trying to do. And that's a very honorable thing to do."

Brilliant gambit by La Russa to acknowledge his star player that way. You think any old garden-variety manager would have had the smarts to do that? Yes? Psh. You probably don't even realize that batting the pitcher 8^th increases a team's expected runs per game by 0.00069 during night games on artificial turf when there's a full moon.

Measured against this, the Cardinals undoubtedly would take those distractions in a heartbeat.

Yeah, I imagine they'd rather have Pujols playing than not playing. Step 1: hire Scott Miller to write for your publication. Step 2: wait for the awards and $$$$ to start rolling in.

At best, Pujols will be back, sometime between July 20 and Aug. 1.

Commas, when overused, tend to break up, a sentence.

But beyond that, there are questions that right now cannot be answered.

Like “How much longer are teams going to pay Jeff Francouer to have a .290 OBP?” or “Which team has more zilcharoo meathead fans: the Mets or the Phillies?”

Wrist injuries can punish hitters long after they're again playable, especially someone with the quick wrists and bat speed of Pujols. Baltimore's Derrek Lee had his 2010 season ruined by one that still isn't right, and a bad wrist wrecked Vernon Wells' 2009 in Toronto.

And a year later the Angels stepped in and said WHAT? All we have to do is give up Mike Napoli and Juan Rivera and pay Wells's terrible contract for the next four years and we get him? There's gotta be a catch!

Once Pujols returns, can he again this summer be the same hitter he's been for the past month, or will he be hobbled?

The second one?

And at 31 (his listed age), what of his impending contract negotiations? Teams will consider his age and the fact that by today's post-Steroid Era standards, he probably doesn't have more than two or three more years left in his prime. And that's with two good wrists.

And some team run by dipshits, like the Cubs or the Angels or the Dodgers, will still offer him every penny he's asking for. Christ- MLB teams are the worst at not bidding against themselves. See: Holliday, Matt. And in this case there are actually going to be other bidders too.

That the Cardinals are tied for first place today is a credit to their resiliency, pluck

Double lunchpail alert. And this time with extra pluck.

and to Pujols' turnaround. Lance Berkman is a great insurance policy to plug into first, and the NL Central is still winnable even with Pujols out temporarily.

I dunno, the Pirates are still hovering around .500. There's a chance they get hot and end up with the 86 wins it's going to take to grab that crown.

But until he is back and swinging hard, there will be some very unsettling questions as background noise.

And Miller ends with a fittingly delightful mix of nothingness and DUHness.

Lunchpail alert?

MLB Network is awesome. That doesn't mean its anchors never ever say anything stupid. Mitch Williams, a guy not exactly known for being quiet or subtle, has the following analysis to explain Brian McCann's status as not really a well known super duper star (damn DVR is broken so this is not really a super duper accurate recreation but it's close):

I think part of the reason he doesn't get the recognition is that he's not out there thumping his chest. He doesn't demand attention. He's not out there tweeting away on Twitter, running his mouth with all kinds of nonsense.

Things not mentioned by Mitch although they should have been:

-McCann is a career .289/.359/.483 hitter, which is definitely really great for a catcher, but nothing to write home about in the grand scheme of all hitters and certainly not enough to justify Pujols/A-Rod/Hamilton/whoever status
-The counting stats aren't there either: never drove in 100 runs, never hit more than 24 bombs
-Atlanta is a pathetic sports town and Braves players rarely get the credit they're due even when they're amazingly awesome (which McCann isn't)
-This is not football; McCann is not competing for "star power" with Ocho Cinco or Tom Brady. Largely, super duper baseball stars are not in the public eye because they don't put themselves there like athletes from other sports do
-He's having a crappy year so far

In short, Brian McCann is not super duper famous because there's no reason for Brian McCann to be super duper famous. He's probably only the 3rd or 4th best hitter on his own team. So yeah I'm calling this a lunchpail alert.

New* Generation* of Baseball Stars* Emerging*

First of all, let me VWOOP! say that as I type this VWOOP! Chris Berman VWOOP! is hosting SportsCenter and he is a VWOOP! motherfucking embarrassment. That's all there is to say about that. Oh, except for: THE-UHHHHHHHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIDAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Moving on.

The title of this post is the actual title of this article by Richard Justice about some MLB players who are off to hot starts this season. Why the asterisks? Well, I don't want to get too bogged down in legal technicalities, but that title needs some clarification. For example, some of the players named in the article aren't "new" to the league at all. (I know "new" is modifying "generation" and not necessarily the individual players, but bear with me. Just this one time.) They certainly, as a whole, do not constitute a "generation." Many of them are not "stars," and never will be. And some aren't "emerging" at all- they either have already emerged or simply are not doing anything that could be construed as an emergence.

They all do play baseball, though, so I didn't have to put an asterisk by that. Which is good.

Maybe you haven't heard of Aaron Hill. You will, though. Trust us on this one. Likewise, you'll soon know all about Zack Greinke, Nyjer Morgan, Nelson Cruz, Joey Votto, Heath Bell and Brandon Inge.

So if you're a baseball fan, you should already be able to tell why I used those asterisks up there.
This baseball season is interesting, not just because the Royals, Tigers, Mariners and Marlins are in first place,

Well, of course- I know my heart is still going a mile a minute because of the emergence of those plucky Royals.

not just because the Pirates and Padres are hanging in there,

Thrills abound in the NL West! (For clarification, I'm not some kind of Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs loving asshole. My favorite team actually happens to play in the NL West. I just have to point out, it's not exactly the most compelling division even with the Padres not starting to suck just yet.)

but because all over baseball, a new generation of stars is emerging.

Well sure. Evan Longoria, Carlos Quentin, and Jay Bruce are all having great years so far. And you've gotta like what Yovani Gallardo and Chad Billingsley have been doing.

Sure, Albert Pujols is still doing amazing things.

Who?

So is Kevin Youkilis and Johan Santana and Roy Halladay and a lot of familiar names.

We've got a subject/verb agreement problem there. But sure, that's true.

What would life be without a Red Sox-Yankees series meaning something?

You just named a Cardinal, a Red Sock, a Met, and a Blue Jay. The fuck is this sentence doing here?

Let's run down some of the people that are doing great things in the first month of a new season.

First, Aaron Hill. He does things at second base that will remind you of Roberto Alomar, meaning his glove work can occasionally take your breath away.

He also leads the major league in hits

After 20some games.

and is one of several reasons the Toronto Blue Jays are in first place in the American League East. Teammates Ricky Romero and Jason Frasor are on that list, too.

OK, Richard's first choice: Aaron Hill. Great. Let's break down young Mr. Hill's credentials. He's now 27, which means he should have entered his offensive prime last season or so. He has a career OPS+ of.... 100. He is, by that standard, an exactly average hitter. He has also hit 34 career home runs in more than 2000 career plate appearances. Hmmm. If you put a lot of stock in fielding metrics, he's a little above average as a second baseman in range factor/9 innings for his career. He's at 5.02- the league over that period of time is at 4.95. So he makes an extra putout or assist over the average second baseman every 15 games or so. Nothing to sneeze at, and perhaps he does have a penchant for the highlight-reel play, but he's not exactly the second coming of Ozzie Smith (at second base) either.

My analysis? Maybe new, not a star, probably not emerging unless he's a late bloomer. We're off to a great start.

The Blue Jays were only going to go as far as their young pitchers took them, and so far, Romero and Frasor are a combined 5-0, but Romero was placed on the 15-day disabled list this week.

Therefore, Aaron Hill is somehow an emerging star.

Hill was Toronto's first-round pick in 2003, was in the big leagues for good in 2005. He moved from short to second when Orlando Hudson was traded

And because he was not a very good defensive shortstop.

and has gotten better and better.

Yes, as most athletes tend to do in their mid twenties. Those who do not usually find themselves selling insurance by age 30.

He missed 107 games last season after suffering a concussion in a collision with David Eckstein.

Goodness! I'm surprised Eckstein's hustle and grit didn't decapitate Hill upon impact! I hear running into Eckstein is like driving a car at 90 mph into a 4 foot high wall of solid concrete. With spikes sticking out of it. While Darin Erstad lobs grenades at you.

He's back now. Boy is he back.

And having a great 20 game stretch.

The Blue Jays are a model organization in some ways. That is, they're forced to build through player development because they don't have the resources to spring for the big-ticket free agents.

Probably because they wasted $52 million on B.J. "Exploding Elbow" Ryan a few years back.

When teams do it this way, even when their scouts are making good decisions, there can be frustration among fans because fans want everything done yesterday.

That sentence reads like it was translated into Finnish and then translated back.

Once the talent pipeline starts flowing, teams like the Blue Jays — and the Marlins — have a chance to remain in contention for a long time.

As long as they can retain their homegrown stars, like Roy Halladay. (Coming soon to a Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, or Boston-based team near you!) Which they usually can't. But good for them for inking up Vernon Wells I guess. Enjoy paying him $18 million a year for $5 to $10 million a year's worth of production until 2014, Toronto.

Nice going, Blue Jays.

Here's an ice cream cone and a firm pat on the ass.

Now about Zack Greinke.

You need a verb.

You probably have a vague recollection of him somewhere in the back of your mind.

You remember he was a top prospect that couldn't cut it and briefly gave up on baseball.

Yes, it does seem like he has been around forever. He was the sixth pick of the 2002 draft and in the big leagues two years later at the ripe old age of 20. He was going to be the next great thing.

His story is really complicated. Somewhere on the road to Cooperstown, he came undone. He walked away, saying it was no longer fun.

Listen, I don't want to rip a guy who had a serious mental illness, but listen to this interview from a couple years ago and try not to laugh at Zach the dipshit. If ever there was a pinhead simpleton idiot... it's probably him. His ability to have a conversation is unrelated to his ability to play baseball, of course. I just think the link is worth sharing. Seriously, pop in your headphones and take a few minutes to listen to it. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In any case, this is probably Richard's best pick. My analysis- not new, but probably going to be a "star" of some kind, definitely emerging. Two out of three ain't bad. Especially when you have trouble with the idea that you have to use "are" when your sentence contains multiple subjects.

The Royals have built from the ground up as well and they're drawing big crowds at home and there's a feeling that a franchise has been reborn this season.

As Richard would say: Nice going, Royals. (end analysis)

Joey Votto is also only 25 years old. He was also a high draft pick in 2002. He needed five years to get to the big leagues. He's a big, strapping kid that is hitting .358 and driving in runs.

When the Big Red Machine is fully back in business, he'll be a household name.

Another decent choice- probably new, maybe going to be a star (but slugging first basemen aren't exactly hard to find), probably emerging. Let's move past this and get to the crap.

Nyjer Morgan plays center field for the Pirates. He's 28 years old, but playing regularly for the first time.

Hmmmmmmmm. This is like being single in your mid twenties and having a friend say "Hey, I know this great chick I'm going to set you up with. She happens to be 34 and has a kid-" And then you kind of just stop listening and tune the friend out. If you haven't played regularly before age 28, there is a 99% change that it's because you suck.

He leads the NL in triples

You know how the saying goes- if you're leading the league in triples in early May... well, you probably have like three triples.

OK, scratch that, I just checked. He has two.

and stolen bases and is hitting .319.

The day this article was written, last Monday, Dexter Folwer stole almost as many bases (5) as Morgan has all season (6). Oh, and his average his since dropped to .309.

He's one of those guys your kids will want to be like.

You mean a professional baseball player? True, I guess. Same for anyone else in this article though.

To see him run the bases is to take a memory home from the ballpark.

Ah- the piece of human poetry that is Nyjer Morgan. You suck, Richard. Nyjer Morgan: perhaps new, but never ever ever going to be a star and most definitely not emerging.

Sometimes, you just have to give a guy a chance. That's the lesson of Heath Bell, who at 31 leads the major leagues with seven saves.

Segue! That's why this guy gets paid the big bucks.

He was drafted by the Mets, traded to the Padres and worked anonymously in both bullpens for most of the last five seasons.

Yeah, about that- in San Diego, prior to this season, he was a dominant setup guy who usually worked the 8th inning in front of a first ballot hall of famer. I really don't think you can accuse the Padres of "not giving him a chance" until now. Although I will concede that the Mets might have given up on him a little early. On the other hand, during his last season with them (2006), he allowed 51 hits and 6 home runs in 37 innings.

The Padres bumped him from the eighth to the ninth inning after Trevor Hoffman's departure. He has been in eight games this season and has yet to allow a run.

But does he make you leave the ballpark with a smile? Is he Nyjer Morgan? My analysis- not new, not going to be much of a star, maybe emerging as a solid closer.

Nelson Cruz was also seen as a guy not ready for primetime. He was a part-time player with both the Brewers and Rangers.

He recorded five career at bats with the Brewers. And he OPSed under .700 during both 2006 and 2007 with the Rangers. I think they were pretty justified at that time in not seeing him as "ready for primetime."

This season the Rangers have put him in right field and seen a very solid major league player emerge. He's hitting .277 with six home runs already on a team that believes it will contend in the American League West.

Well, there are only three other teams in the division and none of them are that good. Way to be, Rangers. Way to dream. Cruz is 28 years old, has had one good season in which he recorded 115 ABs, and is playing in an amazing lineup in one of the best hitters' parks in baseball. I'm unmoved. My analysis- probably new, probably not going to be a star, probably not emerging.

Haven't the Detroit Tigers tried to get rid of Brandon Inge about a dozen times the last few years?

Why were they unsucessful? Probably because he's not that good.

Don't they give his job to someone else.

Fuck, man- just reread your shit ONE TIME before you submit it for publication. You'll probably catch stuff like this.

He has moved all over the field, too.

Yes, because he's not a good enough hitter to secure a full time starting spot at any one position.

He's playing third base this year, playing it well and is helping the Tigers hang onto a share of first place in the American League Central. His .322 batting average is 84 points above his career average.

And he's only 32 years young, with a mere 3700 plate appearances under his belt! I'm fairly confident he will continue to hit 84 points above his average for the rest of the season. Looks like he finally figured out major league pitching.

Maybe he won't stay at .322,

I'll eat a hat if he does.

but he has made April more interesting.

Oh yeah, here we go, here comes the trifecta. Brandon Inge: not new, nowhere close to being a star, and almost certainly not emerging. Awwwwwwwesome.

April is for dreamers.

And for a few mediocre-to-crappy players to have hot starts and get dumb articles like this one written about them.

Just ask the Royals and Mariners and Marlins.

Thanks for tying it all back together, Richard. I feel like I just collided with David Eckstein while watching Nyjer Morgan run the bases.

There Is Something Fundamentally Wrong With America

This post started as an attempt to debunk Dustin Pedroia's AL MVP candidacy. Because he plays for the Red Sox, and I hate short white people (because I am a quasi-tall white person), and blah blah blah. Disappointingly, however, my extensive research revealed that he would be an OK choice for the award. Maybe not the best choice, mind you; but a decent choice. And now that Carlos Quentin is hurt, possibly the best choice from a playoff bound team. But anyways, that was how this post started.

How did it finish? With me realizing that many baseball writers, players, and fans in this country have a problem. A problem that infuriates the likes of me. They simply can't acknowledge that some players are MVP candidates because they are good at the fundamental parts of baseball- hitting, pitching, and fielding. They can't do it. That would be too simple/boring/unfulfilling. Instead, they have to resort to the kind of bullshit that fills up the vast majority of this article.

The Dustin Pedroia-for-MVP bandwagon continues to fill up, with comments over the weekend by Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen providing a big push in momentum.

It's true, sometimes sound bites have an impact on these races. Jimmy Rollins pretty much won the 2007 NL MVP by making his famous division-winning guarantee. A little bit different, because that sound bite came straight from the player's mouth, but you know what I mean.

Guillen went on and on about the Red Sox second baseman, saying:

What's he going to say? That Pedroia's OPSing almost 1.000 since June 1st? That he's got a WARP1 of 8.6 and an EqA of .301? OK, it's probably unfair to expect Ozzie to delve deeply into this kind of analysis. However, did he really have to say-

“I’m a big fan. I love the way he plays. If 90 percent of the players played the way he does, I would pay for a ticket to watch baseball. The way he plays, this kid, that’s the way people should be playing every day.”

What. The fuck. Are you talking about. I guess if I had to cull that sentence down to something slightly less confusing, it would be: he plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Fantastic. There's your MVP, right there.

Suddenly the chants of “MVP, MVP,” heard at Fenway and from Sox fans on the road seems like more than just cheerleading. The possibility of Pedroia actually winning the award seems more and more real.

Like I already said, I guess so. Too bad. Tragic for the likes of me, but certainly fair to say.

“I told him that I’m going to paint an ‘S’ on his chest,” Sox outfielder Mark Kotsay said.

More strange than annoying.

Pedroia’s opponents likely wouldn’t argue with the Superman analogy.

“I think it’s well deserved, I think he can win it,” Baltimore first baseman Kevin Millar said of the MVP possibility.

Please elaborate.

“I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer. He plays bigger than he is.

And this was the point where I started to realize: we have a problem. We can't just say that guys are good. We have to talk about meaningless bullshit. We can't stay away from it. We need the Ecksteins, we need the Erstads. Even when a player is legitimately great, we have to find ways to turn it into feely-good shitpie.

He plays Gold Glove defense.

Points for trying.

He does everything you can ask anyone to do on the baseball field.

Who, besides maybe Milton Bradley or Carl "Jurassic" Everett, doesn't fit that description? How many guys are in the Major Leagues, among the top .00001% of baseball players in the whole world, and don't do everything asked of them? This is useless. Tell me something about how good he is at baseball.

Pitcher Paul Byrd has been dazzled by Pedroia during his brief time with the Sox. “This guy in my opinion is the MVP of the league,” Byrd said.

Because...

“He’s unbelievable. I didn’t know he was that good when I came over here. The guy plays hard, he dives, he plays great defense.

He plays hard. He dives. Stupendous. He hits the ball too, you know. He bats. Usually four or five times a game. And he's pretty good at it.

I feel like I’ve got two guys playing second base.

I wanted to make a joke about a baseball player with multiple personality syndrome here, but I couldn't think of any. Wrong sport, but Herschel Walker, anyone? Too soon?

“He gets the big hit when it counts. (He is a) clutch player.

His 2008 OPS with 2 ours and RISP: .689. (He has been extremely good in "late and close" sitiations, for what it's worth.)

I just can’t say enough about him.

Maybe if you keep going, you'll say something substantive.

As he goes, we go.”

You forgot to point out that he plays larger than he is.

For teammate Alex Cora, that’s what drives Pedroia and best defines his quality as a player: Everything he does is aimed at helping the team win.

That selfish A-Rod never does anything like that. Not even Jimmy Rollins is that unselfish. In fact, you might be surprised to learn this, but the vast majority of baseball players don't give a shit whether or not their teams win. They're just out there, collecting paychecks and scanning the crowd for floozies. (Especially if they are taller than 5'10" and/or not white.)

“The bottom line is he shows up every day and plays,” Cora said.

Grady Sizemore rarely makes it to the ballpark anymore these days. Even when he does, he usually just sits in the clubhouse and plays with a Rubiks Cube.

“He doesn’t care how many hits he gets. All he wants to do is anything he can to make a difference and help us win a game.”

Probably the best way for him to do that: get hits.

“You thought Roberto Alomar was an MVP-type of player?” Cora said of the former Blue Jays star, who received MVP votes in seven seasons.

Is... is that rhetorical? Are you asking the interviewer, or the reader?

“That’s what were talking about right here. What we saw when Robbie was in Toronto, that’s what we’re seeing here from Pedroia. Same type of player.

This is another one of the disappointing parts of the article. I was going to blow this assertion out of the water. Then I looked up the numbers, and... yeah, it's a mildly fair comparison. Not quite the same player, but close. Alomar was generally better in his near-MVP seasons, but not by enough of a degree to make me make a big deal out of it. Crap. Well, let me get back to making delicious ballpark lemon Squishys (tm) out of lemons.

“But you know what? If you ask him, would he trade this MVP talk for us being in first place right now in the East and all set for the playoffs, that’s what he’d want.

On the other hand, if you told Cliff Lee (who leads the AL in WARP1, for what it's worth) that he could either have the MVP or a playoff berth, I think it's totally obvious he would opt for the former. Playoffs? Who the fuck wants to go to the playoffs?

Winning, that’s all that important to him.”

Not like that self-important guy playing 3rd base for the Yankees. No sir. SOMEONE TALK ABOUT HIS HITTING, PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

Yeah, but he better get used to the MVP chants. They aren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Since the article ends on this point and I haven't done so yet, this is where I have to make fun of the no-name staff writer for a no-name publication who wrote this article. Nice conclusion, asshole. I hope the Boston Herald fires you and you have to go back to writing for a shitty blog like this one. You stink. Here's my slightly less awful conclusion:

Dear America,

Really, I promise it's OK to praise a short, white baseball player for being good at baseball. You don't just have to say he plays hard, or always has dirt on his uniform, or would kill a man with a butter knife just for the chance to lay down a sacrifice bunt. You can just say: hey, he's a good hitter. It's not that fucking hard.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Unfunny Parents' Basement Guy

Let's Learn About Nick Swisher

This is Sean Deveney. Doesn't he just look like a complete asshole? Well believe me, beneath the man-bangs and evil grin, there's a man with an exceptional propensity to spew irrelevant puffery. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Deveney really sucks.

Swisher should give life to glum South Siders

New acquired outfielder is exactly what the White Sox needed

We're going to write down a list of things that a new player must bring to his team to make them better. We'll call it "Sean's Ten Commandments for Newly Acquired Players."

There are, to the naked eye, five chains around the neck of Nick Swisher and a tangle of charms resting on his chest, visible beneath his South Beach-slick opened collar.

One is an Italian horn. There is an eagle. There are two Christian crosses.

Commandment #1: New player must have lots of neckwear. Must have five chains that apparently only have four charms between them. Must be a Christian. No heathens.

He's chatting in a banquet room at the Palmer House hotel in downtown Chicago during the White Sox's offseason fanfest, his hair slicked back with enough product to wallpaper a living room. He laughs and declares, "I'm a funny guy! I got a big mouth, but I am a funny guy!" and adds that he spends 80 percent of his life smiling.

"What about the other 20 percent?"

"Sleeping," Swisher says.

Commandment #2: New player must be "a funny guy". Must repeat himself a lot.

Commandment #3: Must sleep an unusually low amount.

This has been a gloomy winter for White Sox fans, who, after a lifeless 72-90 season in which just about everything went awry, listened hopefully as general manager Ken Williams promised them a "big fish." He then failed to land Torii Hunter. Or Kosuke Fukudome. Or Aaron Rowand. Williams has taken a pummeling in the local media and from those fans. But, spend even a few minutes with Swisher and you can't help mentally posing this question to South Siders: "Why so glum?"

We could start with BP's 77-85 projection for the season. After their 72-90 projection from last season was spot on, no Sox fans should exactly be encouraged by this.

Swisher might be exactly what this team needs —chains, hair, big mouth and all. The dude has personality, in a way that core Sox player don't. He's endlessly entertaining.

Commandment #4: Player must have large mullet-ish hair. No buzzcuts. Got an afro? Join the fucking NBA dude! He must "endlessly entertain" by doing such things as batting with his legs while performing a handstand. Also, he must have a personality, unlike core Sox players like A.J. Pierzynski, who is a lifeless asshat. Finally, his arrival must cue Sporting News columnist Sean Deveney to write the sentence "The dude has personality, in a way that core Sox player don't", which shows no care for editing.

Believe it or not, the acquisition of Nick Swisher by the White Sox is the only MLB acquisition in history to satisfy Commandment #4. I'm not even joking.

For example, there has been a long-simmering — but bogus — Internet rumor that Swisher began dating model Danielle Gamba after he saw her in a magazine. "Really, I never even met that girl," Swisher says. But with a guy like Swisher, it seems somehow plausible. Jim Thome, Jermaine Dye, Paul Konerko — they're not exactly the type to be the subject of model-dating rumors.

Commandment #5: There have to be rumors of him dating a model to bring up the interestingness level of a team that otherwise contains model-less teammates after the departure of Scott Podsednik. Said model is worth at least 6 wins.

Manager Ozzie Guillen says one of the Sox's problems last year was the lack of attitude, something Swisher can fix. "Swisher, he is a guy I hated," Guillen says. "Every time we play them and he is taking pitches and making our pitchers work, I would turn and say to the bench, 'I hate this guy.' I am not gonna hate him anymore. I am gonna love him now."

I'm sorry, Sean, but did you just reduce useful things like taking pitches and making pitchers work to something irrelevant like eliminating a "lack of attitude"? That isn't a good thing to write! And if you didn't mean that, you shouldn't have confused the world by juxtaposing the two in the same, brief paragraph!

Swisher has swagger, but what folks in Chicago haven't recognized is that he qualifies as Williams' big fish — perhaps a bigger fish, even, than Hunter, Rowand or Fukudome.

Commandment #6: Player must have "swagger", a word that means absolutely nothing in the context of baseball.

Commandment #7: Player must be a "big fish" or also acceptably a "bigger fish" to qualify as the player that his new GM mistakenly promised the world was coming.

Now Sean talks briefly, almost footnote-esque about stupid and pointless things like OBP and HR and moving from a bad hitter's park to a good hitter's park. Whatever dude, BOOOOOORRRIIINNNGGG! Get back to the commandments!

No question, Rowand and Hunter are top-shelf center fielders. Swisher is not. But he can be an average defender out there. And the White Sox would be thrilled to have Jerry Owens win the job in center this spring, to bring the speed and on-base percentage he showed in the minors to the big leagues. If he does, Swisher will move to left. If he doesn't, the defense will survive.

Ugh. You're going to go make me grab my issue of "Baseball Prospectus 2007" now. Great.

At Triple-A, Jerry Owens had a .330 OBP. Not indicative of good things. Double-A, a very batting average inflated .393. And in A-ball, he had a .365 OBP, which is totally uninteresting.

He is projected to have a -2.4 VORP in only 30% of the playing time this season. Jerry Owens is terrible at baseball, and no team should be "thrilled" that he wins a starting spot.

Owens, Swisher and new shortstop Orlando Cabrera could revamp a bone-dry offense.

One of those three players is notably good at offense. One is mediocre, the other is awful.

It's unlikely Dye and Konerko will endure the slumps that sunk last season

WRONG!

We're almost done with the non-puffy section of the article, I promise.

The pitching is still a major question, but let's remember the White Sox were World Series champions in 2005 and won 90 games in '06. Maybe last year was the aberration, and maybe '05 and '06 are better indications of how good this team can be.

WEFIULWEFEWHEJKLEEFHLEWFHJEWLFWEFWEFLEWFJEWF

2005 and 2006 are better indications of how 2008 should go than 2007??????

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously.

Okay, enough of Deveney being wrong. We're getting back to him being puffy and stupid now.

Last season, once the slumps started spreading, no one in the locker room snapped the White Sox out of it. "Our guys, our best players, are all nice," Guillen says. "Too many nice guys. We needed someone to go and kick some butt."

Commandment #8: New player must be a "butt-kicker." No nice guys. Must be a proven cure for "the slumps", a made-up contagious disease that has an appearance caused by variance and luck and people not noticing just how often things are average.

That's where Swisher comes in. He is gritty on the field

Commandment #9: Player must resemble David Eckstein in dumbass media speak.

not afraid to speak his mind off it.

Commandment #10: Must be a good candidate to appear on MTV's "The Real World".

For those of you who didn't endure the torture of reading Sean Deveney to find these commandments (you're WELCOME, jerks), I'm going to reprint them all here. Yahoo!

*******************************************************************************

Sean's Ten Commandments for Newly Acquired Players

#1: Thou shalt wear lots of neckwear.

#2: Thou shalt be "a funny guy".

#3: Thou shalt not sleep very often.

#4: Thou shalt have long hair, be entertaining, and have entertaining hair.

#5: Thou shalt have rumors circulating about you dating a model.

#6: Thou shalt have "swagger".

#7: Thou shalt be a "big fish" or "bigger fish".

#8: Thou shalt be a "butt-kicker".

#9: Thou shalt be gritty.

#10: Thou shalt act like you're a character on MTV's "The Real World".

*******************************************************************************

So as you can see, under this set of commandments, Nick Swisher is basically Jesus. Rejoice, South Side, your season is saved!

(On a side note, I actually do think that Nick Swisher is a total badass, and want to meet him if and when I make the trek to Arizona this spirng.)

(But Deveney still sucks.)

Where Oh Where Would We Be Without ESPN Page 2...

David Schoenfield offers up a little tribute to Craig Biggio.

I apologize, but this one lends itself to being stat-heavy.

Craig Biggio's name has never been linked to performance-enhancing drugs, but I know two things he tested positive for during his Hall of Fame career: hustle and dirt.

Other players who have tested positive for hustle:

Jim Thome
Jack Wilson
Ronnie Belliard
Alex Rios
Eric Byrnes
Yuniesky Betancourt
98% of the rest of Major League Baseball

Other players who have tested positive for dirt:

Everyone who has ever slid into a base.

This Biggio fellow is pretty unique, eh?

Despite playing much of his career in the Astrodome, Biggio always found a way to get dirt on his uniform.

This is in no way impressive. Biggio had a great career. You are basically shitting on him by pointing to this as a reason and ignoring things he was actually good at.

But (and no offense to David Eckstein here) Biggio was much more than a scrappy hustler: He's arguably one of the top 50 players in the game's history.

Now that the lunchpail alert is officially the brightest red it has ever been, I can successfully puke.

Just off the top of my head, Biggio had 3 contemporary teammates who were definitely better than him: Jeff Bagwell (career .322 EqA....monster), Roger Clemens, and Lance Berkman. You really think it's tough to knock off another 47?

If Biggio gets into the Hall of Fame, which he probably will, and deservedly so (I've come around on this), it's on the strength of his durability, character, and counting stats. He was a legitimately great player for like 6 years or so in the 90's when he was OBPing .400 and stuff. Top 50 of all time? No.

He came up as a catcher, became an All-Star, moved to second base and was a Gold Glover.

Fielding stats are pretty sketchy at times, but Biggio's FRAA was -163 for his career, and had 11 seasons of -10 FRAA or more. I think it's pretty clear that Biggio was not a very good defensive second baseman.

He topped 10 home runs just once in his first four seasons, but finished with eight seasons of 20-plus home runs.

Reggie Sanders had 10 of those things.

He stole 50 bases once

Juan Pierre has done that 4 times.

he hit 56 doubles another time;

You got me there.

he scored 146 runs in 1997 (only Astros teammate Jeff Bagwell has scored more in a season since 1950);

22 of which he scored with no teammate assistance!

Funny you mention Bagwell.....you think he might have been a large part of the reason Biggio got to that absurd total? Bagwell had 85 extra base hits that year! The REAL reason that was a great season for Biggio was his .415 OBP.

Jimmy Rollins managed to score 139 runs this year on a .344 OBP. You think he wants to thank Ryan Howard and Chase Utley?

he once played 162 games and didn't ground into a single double play

That is just plain sick. Amazing job Biggio, no joke.

only 12 players have scored more than his 1,844 runs.

Because he played 20 healthy seasons batting in front of power hitters maybe? Biggio's career OBP is .363. Good, not great. It pales in comparison to say, Jeff Bagwell's .408 career OBP. I have a gigantic man-crush on Jeff Bagwell.

And, those 12 are all legends of the game -- names like Mays, Cobb, Aaron, Musial, Gehrig. His run scoring ability offers a little insight into how underappreciated Biggio was during his career; after all, isn't the object of the game to score runs?

For the last fucking time. Scoring runs is not an individual ability. It is a team ability. Getting on base is an individual ability. When you're standing on 2nd base, you can't control whether or not the guy at the plate gets the single you need to score.

For a time, it appeared Biggio's legacy (shared with Bagwell) would be one of failed Octobers. From 1997 to 2001, the Astros lost four straight playoff series and Biggio hit .083, .182, .105 and .167 in them.

Remember this, you A-Rod nay-sayers.

Finally, in 2004, Biggio hit .400 as the Astros beat the Braves for the first playoff win in franchise history. Although they lost to St. Louis in the National League Championship Series that year, in 2005 the Astros reached the World Series as Biggio hit .316 and .333 in playoff series victories. Biggio was past his prime by then, but at least he finally showed a glimmer of his greatness on a big stage.

Blah blah blah batting averages in playoff series are so luck-based it's scary. If you want to pay homage to Biggio, at least cite the facts that he is in the 3000 hit club, played 19 full seasons and only failed to crack 130 games played once for reasons other than the 1994 strike, was consistently pretty good at getting on base, and was a great character/team player/presence in the Astros clubhouse/dugout (a little puffy, but definitely true).

Instead, you chose things like dirt, hustle, that season he stole 50 bases, the 8 seasons he was an above-average home run hitter, the awesomeness of the hitters behind him at driving him in, and postseason batting averages.

I sincerely hope David Schoenfield is never asked to give a eulogy at a funeral.

Why Wallace Matthews Should Not Have a Job

This column, and Larry's Dennis Dodd column from earlier today have both lead me to believe that the more stupid, vague jokes per column, the less intelliegent the columnist.

Exhibit A: Wallace Matthews. Wallace is very stupid and doesn't understand baseball. Let's examine his diatribe against the New York Mets. It's full of real "humdingers", as someone from Jon Heyman's time would say. Oh, and not to mention, a healthy dose of WRONGism!

Time again to knock stuffing out of Mets

We'll give him a pass. It was written on Thanskgiving.

It is Turkey Day, which means it is once again time to brine, stuff, baste and roast the Mets.

Having enjoyed more free rides this offseason than a serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977, the Mets made a comeback on Tuesday by trading Guillermo Mota for Johnny Estrada, who is Paul Lo Duca, only worse.

Serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977??? Here's some solid advice, Wallace. Any dumb jokes or references that require most readers to do a Google search to understand are best left out. Apparently there was some sort of power outage in New York that lasted a couple of days in 1977. Big whoop.

If this article was about the minor leagues, he'd be saying, "The Mets' farm system is going through a position player famine worse than the fish market circa 1838!"

This was blockbuster news because previously, during the same time period in which the Yankees had lost to the midges, passed their ownership torch from George to Boy George, fired one guy named Joe, hired another and entered into negotiations with three big-ticket free agents, the only activity in Mets camp was the removal of a bunion from El Duque's foot.

Oh great! Let's criticize the Mets for not being active in the offseason by using the Yankees as a basis of comparison! The Yankees have done a ton of really stupid things this offseason, but that doesn't matter, because Wallace Matthews is crediting them for being active. Oh, if only the Mets gave $45M to an aging reliever, $52.4M to an aging catcher, and needlessly endured negative publicity by shortchanging then replacing a manager who was perfectly fine. Then they'd be on the right track!

At least they think it was a bunion. The guy's so old, it might have been a vestigial toe.

At this point, the fictional comedy club in Wallace's mind explodes with laughter.

So far, this offseason is shaping up as even worse than last year's, when the Mets at least had an excuse. Having failed to make it out of the 2006 NLCS by, arguably, one called strike, GM Omar Minaya believed, with some justification, that all his team needed was a turn of the wrench or two to make the adjustments that would put the Mets in the World Series.

This year, having witnessed the worst collapse in New York baseball history, Minaya knows it's going to take a lot more than that. The problem is, what the Mets need most can't be had on the free-agent market.

Worst collapse in New York baseball history: see 2004 ALCS

Okay, now for the meat of Matthews' point. What is this thing that the Mets need! It's a riddle. The only hint is: it's not on the free agent market. So that rules out servicable starting pitchers and another good outfielder. But....both of these things are actually things the Mets need! What could Wallace mean here?

Heart transplants are not available.

Oh.....HEART transplants! We're in Eckstein territory! I don't think anyone told Wallace that Eckstein is a free agent!

Character can't be bought even for A-Rod type numbers.

Actually it can. 4 years of character can reportedly be bought for $36M. The Mets are apparently interested in this man, and you're still clueless.

As far as we know, not even BALCO has figured out how to bottle killer instinct.

Killer instinct. Because baseball is a sport in which you need killer instinct. Because you're always trying to use physical aggression to outfight somebody for something in baseball. This is what's wrong with the Mets, people!

Worst of all, Estrada looks to be just another part-time player on a roster that is chock full of same. Aside from David Wright at third, Jose Reyes at short and Carlos Beltran in center, the Mets don't have one everyday player who looks capable of playing a full season.

Whew. Ignorant lunchpail-alert Wallace is gone. We're back to ignorant WRONG Wallace.

Is Carlos Delgado really a part-time player? He's failed to log 500 at-bats once since 1996.

Ditto with Luis Castillo since 1999.

Then there are the corner outfielders: Moises Alou, who is a good half-player, or half of a good player, managing to appear in 87 games last season; Endy Chavez, who made it into 71 games, Lastings Milledge, who showed improvement but was lucky to make it through the year with his head still attached to his shoulders, Marlon Anderson, Ben Johnson and Carlos Gomez. Help.

Okay, you did a great job of exaggerating this problem. These 6 guys compete for 2 spots in the starting lineup.

"Team X is having serious problems. They have 5 guys that can catch, but they're never all healthy at the same time!"

As for first base, wouldn't Carlos Delgado look so much better in an American League uniform? At least you'd see him only four times a game.

Carlos Delgado, 2007: +9 FRAA. Carlos Delgado's fielding is not a reason the Mets failed in '07.

Which brings us to the starting pitching. Right now, it's El Duque, a man of indeterminate age, and Pedro Martinez, a man of indeterminate ability, although being in the walk year of his contract can only help. John Maine is dependable, but as for the lone lefty, he's Oliver Perez one start, Oliver Hardy the next. Cover your eyes when Mike Pelfrey and Phil Humber are given the baseball.

Oliver Hardy. What. The. Fuck.



That is a picture of Oliver Hardy. Wallace Matthews just made a joke that sometimes, Oliver Perez pitches like an actor who was born in the 19th century.

Oh yeah, and "cover your eyes" when Phil Humber, one of the best prospects in baseball, is pitching. He threw 7 innings last year. Call it quits on this one, boys!

Happy Thanksgiving, Mets fans. Enjoy your bird today, because a diet of turkey doesn't go down nearly as well in April.

Citizens of New York, fear Wallace's horrific tales of indigestion to come!