Capital T True Capital Y Yankee must save season from evil villain who is allowed to wear Yankee uniform for some reason

This blog is old as shit at this point, and maybe even as old as fuck, so we have a lot of labels.  I usually  use four or five of them on any given post.  For this one, I'm only going to use one--one of my all time favorites.  I believe onetime contributor Eriz came up with it (it would take like thirty seconds to verify that, but meh, I'm not made out of minutes and seconds here) back in the fall of 2007.  Five and a half years later, it's very well suited for this article by Bob Raissman of the New York Post.

Saying the New York sports media is childish is an insult to the emotional intelligence of children.  Guys like Raissman make colossal idiots from other media markets read like wonderful poetry.  I'd rather peruse bullshit written by Dan Shaugnessy or TJ Simers for 24 hours straight than read 20 minutes of Yankee analysis from someone who writes for a New York publication.  It's torture.  The inability of guys like Raissman to provide any analysis other than unreadable reiteration of the laziest and most played out available narrative is truly spectacular.  HERPA DERP, JETER = CHRIST COME BACK TO EARTH, A-ROD = FRAUDY is nearly ten years old at this point, but this piece is one of the purest examples of it I've ever seen.  Make sure you haven't eaten recently before you read past this point.



A-Who?

A-Fraud! Pay-Rod! Fish fillet-Rod!

In all media precincts, 

In all whats? 

the Yankees are taking a beating.

Not really.  I didn't hear too many people going after the franchise in the aftermath of Biogenesis report.  Rodriguez was taking a beating for a few days last week.  That's old news, though.  It's mostly whoever runs the Superdome taking the ol' 24 hour news cycle sports media beating right now.

If the Bombers were a prizefighter, they would most resemble Mike Tyson rolling around on the canvas looking for his mouthpiece after being hammered by Buster Douglas.

Timely analogy.

Unlike Tyson, the Yankees have a savior to pick them up off the canvas: 

I used "JETER = CHRIST COME BACK TO EARTH" up there as a joke, but some of these mouth-breathers really do go down that road.

The organization has Derek Jeter to lead it out of this mess with Alex Rodriguez.

Barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf

The captain’s presence and persona are uplifting. They can cleanse any muck surrounding the organization. In order for fans to keep the faith, they need a reason to believe, a face they can trust. Jeter, the transcendent one, is that man.

So Raissman is trying to fuck Jeter, right?  Hope I don't sound totally crazy for assuming so after reading that.

“Invariably consumers turn to sports for relief and distraction from life’s problems and setbacks,” said a network executive with ties to baseball.

Substitute "some horse's ass who loves Jeter and took intro to marketing as a college sophomore" for "network executive" where necessary.

“Alex’s woes are not exactly uplifting. 

Yankee fans are totally on the verge of no longer paying attention to the Yankees thanks to this unsurprising and non-season altering development.

The Yankees should embrace Derek Jeter’s image, 

Yeah!  They've been keeping him under wraps for too long!  Time to let the public in on the best kept secret in baseball!

wrap their corporate arms around it. 

I picture the Yankees' corporate arms as octopus tentacles.

He is going to be huge for them on so many levels going forward this season.”

I agree, he IS going to be huge for them all over the place in the future this season meaningless cliche meaningless cliche.

There are fresh allegations that Rodriguez obtained performance-enhancing drugs between 2009 and 2012 through an alleged link to Miami-based Anthony (The Biochemist) Bosch. This situation, along with an MLB investigation 

Which will almost certainly lead to fuck-all in terms of consequences, much to the disdain of hand-wringers everywhere.

and the question of whether Rodriguez can return to third base after a second hip surgery, makes his future in pinstripes highly uncertain. 

Patently outlandish, no matter how much clods like Raissman want to believe it.  I will concede that the less likely it gets that he reaches 763 HR, the more likely it is he gets traded at some point, and the odds of him getting to 763 are looking pretty long right now.  But I'll eat a hat if he's not a Yankee at the end of the 2014 season.

A-Rod and Bosch have denied the allegations.

He's probably roiding, as is pretty much every single other star professional athlete.  As you read this, there are probably dozens and dozens of them injecting or ingesting something.  It's time we all accepted it and moved on.  Also, I would like to renew my promise to donate $1,000 to charity if Jeter is caught under MLB's steroid testing program anytime this season.

You cannot read a story or listen to radio Gasbags without hearing about how old the team is, full of question marks going into 2013.

Those gasbags are absolutely right, and one of the ways in which they're most right is that a 39 year old who's been a terrible defensive shortstop for more than a decade and is coming off ankle surgery is probably going to be penciled in for another 130+ games at short.  BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS CALM EYES?  HAVE THE RADIO GASBAGS FACTORED THOSE IN?

Of course, there is that $189 million figure, the magic payroll number Hal Steinbrenner has targeted. There is also this notion, rejected by Mr. Steinbrenner, that Hal doesn’t have the same hunger and drive to win that his famous father had.

Please!  New Yorkers are far too sane and reasonable to say that because George S. won a bunch of titles but Hal S. has only won one so far, that Hal doesn't want to win as much as his dad.  That doesn't sound like them at all.  Note how Raissman baits the people who say idiotic shit like that with "rejected by Mr. Steinbrenner."  Yeah, HE says that's not true, but what else WOULD he say?  He's obviously a losing loser who hates winning!

So, a few weeks before spring training, when hope springs eternal, the Yankees’ image has sprung a leak. No sweat. No time for panic, either. The Yankees have been here before. Their image was tattered during the inept CBS regime, and along came George Steinbrenner to save the franchise and build a winner.

Then it was Steinbrenner himself who took things into the toilet during the whole sordid Dave Winfield-Howie Spira affair that got The Boss suspended. Along came Gene Michael to build the team Joe Torre eventually took to four World Series titles. This is all the evidence we need to anoint the Yankees the most resilient brand in sports.

The Yankees were good for a long time, then the league expanded and talent spread around, so they weren't as good, then they were good again, then not so good again, then finally good again.  These days they maintain a competitive advantage over 2/3 of the rest of MLB and virtually guarantee they will win 90+ every single season thanks to their spending habits.  Conclusion: the Yankees have overcome more adversity than any group of people on Earth, ever.

The tradition will continue. And we’ll take it a step further. Yankees brass should figure out a way — quickly — to keep Jeter long-term, past whenever he decides to call it a day. 

The rotation is full of question marks, and the lineup is old as shit.  Clearly the franchise's most pressing concern: what will Jeter's job title be after he retires?  Will he need to show up to one game per week to wave to the crowd on the Jumbotron, or will two per month suffice?

The longer Jeter is around, the easier it will be for the Yankees to distance themselves from the continuous A-Rod soap opera, which has no clear end, or resolution, in sight.

Which in no way, shape or form has been perpetuated by insane idiots like the author of this article.

Jeter provides an immediate story line. He is coming back from a fractured left ankle, suffered during Game 1 of the ALCS. His same media detractors, who have been on and off his case since 2008, will no doubt be analyzing his every move in spring training. This is good. If the focus is on Jeter, the A-Rod saga (barring any more shocking developments) may be relegated to back-burner status. 

You'd think a guy who is a member of the New York sports media would understand how the New York sports media works.  No, dipshit, every single thing either of these players does is immediately on the front burner.  They both will be receiving copious amounts of attention during spring training, even if Rodriguez isn't there.  And this is mostly due to the fact that you and your tribe have spent the last nine seasons pushing the idea that Jeter is flawless and Rodriguez is a fuckup, unable to ever do anything right, even after Jeter was the one who wouldn't switch positions for the defensively superior Rodriguez in 2004.  Rodriguez has been worth about 20 more WAR than Jeter since 2004, has been worth more WAR/$, and since I know this the only thing 90% of Yankees fans judge either of them by, hit better than Jeter in the playoffs when the Yankees won the WS in 2009.  But don't let that get in the way of your asshattery.  Please.  Go on.

The focus must be on Jeter. The story of his comeback, the story of the old guy trying to extend his career at a high level, is more than compelling, especially with all the doubters chiming in. Yankee fans will once again want to see Jeter stick it to everyone. They will pay to see it. Then again, Jeter was always an attraction. 

A truly stunning moment of clarity.

This will only magnify his presence, 

Consider capitalizing "His."

which will also be of great value to the suits running YES. They should ride Jeter and promote — ad nauseam — the story of his comeback.

A plan that is as unorthodox as it is brilliant.  Let YES know about this idea so they can scrap the hours and hours of coverage they had planned to devote to Brett Gardner's injury rehab and Joe Girardi's favorite offseason fishing spots.

Jeter has an $8 million player option for 2014. His last negotiation was a bitter one. It included a media backlash, with Jeter being accused of wanting to be paid “because he’s Derek Jeter.” 

Which is exactly what happened.  Didn't he want $25 MM a year?

Jeter has lived up to his contract. 

No.  So far he's been paid about $30 MM to generate 3.0 rWAR.  On the other hand, if you factor in intangibles, there is literally no amount of money that could properly compensate him, so I guess maybe he's the biggest bargain in the league?  

The next time around, it’s worth considering his value as the face of the franchise. 

Because 3 years/$51 MM for a terrible defensive shortstop who hits a lot of singles, walks a bit and doesn't do anything else at the plate is a contract that's based purely on on-field performance.

It must be factored in. His contract would be a bargain.

That's awesome.  That's my favorite sentence in this whole piece.  Look, just sign him to a lifetime contract, Yankees.  No, I don't need to know the details.  I promise you it's a bargain.  What else is going to bring Yankee fans to the ballpark ten years from now?

The Yankees need Derek Jeter.

Not as much as you do, Bob.  Not as much as you do.

For moments like these.

That sounds like a slogan a tampon company would use.  The only thing missing from this article is an insistence that Jeter deserves every single Gold Glove he's been awarded.

I'm tired but feel obligated to post something

Hmmm. How to resolve that tension... I know! Another podcast with Cousin Sal! Writing is hard, but talking is really easy. When you've got a voice made for photography and a personality made for solo deep space exploration, there's nothing people want more than to hear you yap at them about nothing for 45 straight minutes. BONUS: some guy who is just like me but somehow less engaging will join me for the podcast and also yap! You're welcome.

Just kidding with all that snarksnarksnarksnark. When I'm tired but feel obligated to write, the actual solution is to do a grab bag post.

Picking on atrociously untalented members of the Chicago media used to be PNoles's thing, but seeing as how we couldn't pay his appearance fee for tonight you're going to have to let me walk you through some snippets of this Phil Rogers disaster. (Shout out to Erik if he's still reading. Now go win another fancy showbiz award and mail it to me, please.)

Talking baseball:

While I appreciate that he leads his article with a statement of its subject matter, I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out within the next six words.

These aren’t baseball cards we’re watching. They’re people.

That's the best opening line in the history of sportswriting. I love it. I'm going to get a tramp stamp tattoo that says it, and somehow work it into a seven letter acronym so I can somehow display it on a vanity license plate.

These aren’t baseball cards we’re watching. They’re people.

Fantastico.

These aren’t baseball cards we’re watching. They’re people.

Last one. Promise.

That’s why I really like the Dale Sveum/Theo Epstein dea of giving Alfonso Soriano a shot to hit leadoff again.

But what if Soriano was literally a baseball card? Would he not want to hit leadoff anymore? Would they only use him as a pinch hitter? How unsurprising would it be if Jim Hendry gave a small piece of cardboard a nine figure contract?

Like it or not, the Cubs still owe Soriano $54 million.

I'm pretty sure 0% of Cubs fans like the fact that the team owes him $54 million. I think that figure of speech is better used when it refers to something that the target audience could conceivably like or not like, such as "Like it or not, they're expanding instant replay" or "Like it or not, Dale Sveum is managing your team."

And, like it or not, he’s still one of their most productive hitters.

/checks Soriano's 2011 stats, then checks stats of rest of Cubs likely 2012 lineup

Jesus. As of spring training 2012 he's right. That is truly amazing.

So dropping him down in the batting order, as Lou Piniella and Mike Quade did over the last two years, really accomplishes little other than make angry fans feel better.

Well here's the thing: if you have Carlos Pena and Aramis Ramirez, like Quade did in 2011, Soriano is no longer "one of your most productive hitters." He's 4th best on the team, and 5th best if Geovany Soto manages to get his head out of his ass. That means Soriano doesn't belong in the middle of the lineup, and with that robust .300ish OBP, he doesn't belong at the top either. Seventh sounds like a pretty good spot for him. So let's rephrase Phil's statement: in addition to making angry fans feel better, dropping Soriano down in the batting order if it's 2011 makes a whole ton of sense. Dropping him down there in 2012 when he inevitably hits something like .250/.290/.440 will still make angry fans feel better, but will have less on field utility since Ian Stewart and Brian Lahair are now playing the infield corners.

Epstein would love for Sveum and hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo to get more out of Soriano.

And I would love to be an MLB GM, or to talk to a real live woman without first giving her my credit card number.

That might make it possible at some point to trade him to an American League team that could use him as a combination DH/left fielder, a role that clearly suits him better than being a full-time left fielder.

Just pick up something like $48 million of his contract and I think that dream might become a reality.

Pride is always a part of a baseball players’ emotional package, and for a hitter that does have something to do with where his name is written on the lineup card. The most professional guys work their best to perform the same regardless, but the lineup card always has something to say about a guy’s self esteem, as well as his standing within the clubhouse.

And moving him to 7th when his OBP is under .300 is a good way of saying "Dude, you're fucking terrible and you swing at everything. Stop."

That was clear when Alex Rodriguez was talking about his desire to continue to bat cleanup for the Yankees this year.

Joe Girardi: earning every dirty cent he gets paid.

I was in Tampa at the start of camp when Rodriguez was talking about how he felt he could be the most valuable to the Yankees as the No. 4 hitter, behind Robinson Cano.

“I’ll do what the manager wants me to do,’’ A-Rod said. “I take an enormous amount of pride hitting fourth.

I love dissonant statements like that. "I'm not going to blame the refs. They blew a ton of calls and probably cost us the game, but we don't have any excuses."

I think it’s been shown that lefty-righty-lefty is a very good way to the build the middle of your order.

Soak it up, people! Connie Mack over here is giving away free managerial tips.

I also think the track record shows I’m not very effective hitting eighth.’’

That, of course, was a reference to Game 4 of the 2006 Division Series against Detroit,

Not that A-Rod is a child or anything.

More than five years later, Rodriguez is still embarrassed.

More than five years AND A NEW MANAGER LATER, Rodriguez is still embarrassed. Lordy, I hate it when the media panders to dipshit mouthbreathing fans by piling on A-Rod, but man, that is some pretty pathetic bullshit right there.

Soriano never complained about Quade’s lineups last season.

What? THESE AREN'T BASEBALL CARDS, PHIL. THEY HAVE FEELINGS AND EGOS AND HEARTS AND BLOOD. I also like progression of the article. Hitters care about their batting order spot. In fact, a guy who doesn't play for the Cubs REALLY cares about it. Soriano, by all accounts, does not care much about it. But the Cubs should definitely treat him like he does.

He had more plate appearances as the No. 7 hitter (221) than anywhere else in the lineup, with sixth (186) the next most frequent.

Why not let Soriano hit first?

Because he never gets on base?

No, he’s not a strong on-base guy.

Why not let your worst pitcher start on opening day? No, he's not very good at pitching. Why not tell your catcher to attempt to steal every time he's on base? No, he's not very fast. Why not sign Soriano to a contract extension right now? No, he's not worthy of a roster spot on a contending team.

But he hits home runs and doubles, and that’s a pretty nice way to start an inning.

You could always trade for Mark Trumbo and hit him leadoff. He's like a better version of Soriano. Plenty of doubles and bombs. No, he doesn't really get on base much... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Problem: solved. Now, to trade for Trumbo. Hmmm. Hey, why not just offer Soriano straight up? Wait, what? The Angels fired Tony Reagins? Fuck. Back to the drawing board.

Hitting him in the leadoff spot isn’t going to keep the team from winning.

It sure as fucking shit isn't going to help.

Finally, here’s one last benefit of hitting Soriano first, and it’s not a small one.

He's NOT a baseball card; therefore, he's able to swing a bat and run the bases.

He is clearly one of the Cubs’ most dangerous hitters. And by hitting him first, not seventh, you can get him four plate appearances and pull him for a defensive replacement one or even two innings earlier than normal. You get him to the plate four times and lessen your exposure in the field. That’s smart.

Oh. Oh my. GOODNESS GRACIOUS. I think I'm going to have to leave it at that.

Well, now I'm out of time and energy and I'm not even going to get to the other stuff I had planned to include in the grab bag. How very Simmonsy of me. Sorry kids. My schedule is a little full these days. Fun Larry B trivia: between June 2008 and December 2011, I didn't have a full time job. Kind of made it easier to blog. But look, now I have a job and I'm still writing. Don't I deserve awards and accolades for leading such a balanced life? God, I am so great. My sheltered, privileged existence has been extremely difficult but I'm still out here plugging away at this little game I like to call "life." Full time job AND spends 45 to 60 minutes a week writing bullshit about the sports media? HOW DOES HE DO IT, FOLKS? HE'S GOT THE WORK ETHIC OF TWO THOMAS EDISONS!

/was obviously born in the 80s and deserves to get his entitled face beaten in with a crowbar

The Phillies Will Pay Ryan Howard $25 MM Per Year During His Age 34, 35, and 36 Seasons

(Apologies to the three of you who read this shitty blog via RSS feed. This is a repost, because some of the HTML in the old version of the post got messed up when I tried to edit something. Since I know nothing about HTML, I figured the best solution was to burn the whole thing to the ground and start over. ANYWAYS- the Phillies will Howard an awful lot of money when he's 34, 35, and 36, and....)

That's kind of dumb. It's roughly what A-Rod (by which I mean PAY-Rod, GAY-Rod, A-ROID, and FISH FILLET-Rod) is making at that age, but 1) A-Rod is the better player 2) A-Rod plays a more valuable position 3) A-Rod keeps himself in peak physical condition and 4) the Phillies aren't the Yankees. With slight modifications, similar arguments apply to the massive contracts currently held by Mark Teixeira (also a 1B, obviously) and Matt Holliday (not a Yankee, obviously). Except for Alfonso Soriano, who holds the worst contract in baseball right now- yes that's right I went out on a limb and said it- no other hitter in the game holds a contract that will pay them that kind of money at that age (Miguel Cabrera and Joe Mauer will be younger during the tail end of the deals they recently signed). It's simply way too much to invest in an aging 1st baseman. Jon Heyman- your poorly formulated thoughts?

Howard's contributions can be overlooked at times because of the overwhelming presence of Pujols, who's clearly the best player in the National League,

Look, I'm pretty sure Ryan Howard is neither overrated nor underrated but properly rated. If anyone's overlooking his contributions, which I don't think anyone in the national media is, it's not because of Pujols. It's because Howard isn't even the most valuable hitter on his own team.

and also because Howard is only part of a fabulous nucleus in Philly that includes Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Jayson Werth.

Unlike Howard, Jimmy Rollins might be the most overrated player in all of baseball right now. If I hear one more announcer or talking head start blabbing about what a SPARKPLUG Rollins is, or how he's Philly's EMOTIONAL LEADER, I'm going to be sick. He's a leadoff hitter with a career .330 OBP. His power is overrated (career best HR totals: 30, 25, 21, 14, 14, 12), his defense is overrated, everything about him is overrated. Wait- what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. So throw Rollins out of that group. But Utley is by far more valuable than Howard, and if Werth backs up his strong 2009 with a strong 2010, you could make an argument that he's more valuable too. So that's just one reason you might not want to pay Ryan Howard $25 MM during his age 36 season; even now, he's not the most valuable hitter on your team.

Howard does have a few negatives, such as his high strikeout totals (an average of 189 the past four seasons),

Kind of a big deal, especially when you're hitting cleanup.

his weakness against left-handed pitchers (last year his OPS was 1.088 vs. right-handers vs .653 vs. lefties),

Definitely a big deal.

his age (30) and the possibility he'll decline during the contract as he gets older.

Oh, the "possibility?" You think he might not hit as well at age 36 as he did at ages 25, 30, or even 32? A bold prediction, Jon. You truly have the wisdom of King Solomon.

But the belief among skeptics of the deal that this was an obvious overpay isn't reflected one bit among baseball people.

Isn't reflected among stupid baseball people.

In fact, a few inside the game remarked that the package was strong though not unreasonably so and one actually opined that it was light.

That guy probably works for another NL East team, and was being sarcastic.

I agree with the prominent competing agent who said, "The $25 million AAV (average annual value) reflects fair market value.''

Oh wow, can you believe it? An agent (who probably represents Adrian Gonzalez, or Pujols, or Prince Fielder) thinks this was a fair deal! COLOR ME SHOCKED. I can't believe it. If you want to evaluate the reasonableness of a contract that will pay a fat first baseman $25 MM when he's 36, that's who you should go to for objectivity- an agent. Well done, Jon. And look, it really doesn't reflect market value. Take Yankees out of the picture, and the contract is one of a kind. Cabrera isn't locked up at that age via his deal. Mauer is, but he's a catcher for the time being. Todd Helton is just now finishing up a contract that certainly paid him too much at those ages, but that was signed in 2001 when money was a little looser. The Rockies (and any team not called the Yankees) won't soon be offering that kind of deal again. The best bet for a current comp to Howard's deal is Holliday's, but it's for less money and at least he plays in the OF (and plays it pretty well). There really isn't a market for fat non-Yankee 34, 35 and 36 year old first basemen. This deal just set it.

As boring as it sounds, it was a good deal for both sides.

Well, it's definitely a good deal for Howard.

There are those suggesting Howard won't be the player at the end of the deal, when he'll be 36, that he is now, and that isn't an unreasonable prediction.

Actually, those people are exactly right unless Howard takes steroids and turns into Barry Bonds. Also- nice sentence, asshole.

But A-Rod, for example, will be 42 when his contract will be up,

I already addressed this. Better player. Different position. More likely to age well. Most importantly, money coming from Yankee coffers.

and besides, that guess can be made about many long-term deals. One GM said five years isn't outrageous at all and actually praised Howard for not being greedy and insisting on seven or eight.

Look, Howard could have done that. And the smart thing for the Phillies to do (and what they should have done here) would be to tell Howard to pound sand. Some other idiot team can overpay him when he hits the FA market after next season. That's the dumbest part about this whole thing, really- the Phillies overpaid Howard a full 18 months before he would have hit free agency. Do they understand what leverage is? You overpay someone when you absolutely need them signed right then. You do not overpay someone when you're already in control of their services for their next 1200 at bats.

That Howard received $2 million more than Teixeira also seems about right under the circumstances.

It doesn't.

Teixeira has a more diverse set of skills,

He's a switch hitter. He hits for both average and power. He plays great defense. All reasons he's more valuable.

is slightly younger and signed in New York as a free agent, but he couldn't make a case that he has the same offensive impact as Howard, a classic slugger.

Yes, Howard piles up the HRs and RBIs better than Teixeira does. That certainly makes him a better fantasy player, but I don't think it speaks to his actual value very well considering his home park. Yankee Stadium may have a short RF porch, but Citizens Bank Park is a fucking joke from foul pole to foul pole. I hope that place burns to the ground tonight. Omar Vizquel could hit 15 HRs this season if he were to start for the Phillies. But there's no way that could happen, because the Phillies already have the best SPARKPLUG OF AN EMOTIONAL LEADER in the game at shortstop.

But here are a few more reasons Howard is worth this investment:

1) He's showed his value by finishing first, fifth, second and third in MVP voting the last four years.

Haha, this is great. Let's see- dipshit MVP voters like Jon Heyman have given Howard a lot of MVP votes. Therefore, dipshit writers like Jon Heyman can cite those votes as a reason to pay Howard $25 MM a season when he's 34, 35, and 36. What a nifty, convenient system.

There is a group of numbers people who think these finishes don't count, but there is no reason to think Howard was vastly overvalued in the voting.

No one thinks Howard is a bad player. No one thinks he isn't one of the best power hitters in MLB. And pretty much no one except Cardinals fans wouldn't want to have Howard on their team. But not at that price, at that age.

2) He also has averaged 49.5 home runs and 143 RBIs over the past four years, far more than anyone else.

OK, again, time for some perspective. He's a great hitter and produces a lot of runs. He's just not worth that amount of money at that age. Also- Phillies lineup + Citizens Bank Park + batting behind Utley = tons of RBIs. But I'm not significantly more impressed with his 143 average than with, say, Lance Berkman's average of 106 over the same span.

Everyone agrees that home runs are an important stat, but to those who believe RBIs are only a reflection of one's teammates, and thus pure luck, here are the top five RBI leaders since 1900: Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, Lou Gehrig and Stan Musial. Five very lucky fellows.

Whoa! Watch out for that straw man! Better tear it down and burn it- make sure it can't hurt anyone. Give me a fucking break. No one with a brain says RBIs are "pure luck." We don't need to get into this. It's like when Joe Morgan waxes poetic about how no one respects stolen bases anymore. Plenty of people respect them- they're just not foolishly overvalued like they used to be.

3) It isn't unreasonable to suggest Howard might decline during his extension.

This is a separate thought, and doesn't belong on a list of reasons Howard is worth what the Phillies will end up paying him.

As a matter of logic, he probably will.

As long as he's not Barry Bonds, he definitely will.

But the evidence isn't strong that he's declining yet, (his 2009 slugging percentage of .571 wasn't significantly different from his .582 career mark), and even if he does suffer a slight drop off, it's from a tremendous height (his 198 home runs over the past four years are 29 more than everyone else).

Right. He's not declining yet. Because he's only 30. This contract doesn't even start until 2012. And it will comically overpay him in 2014, 2015, and 2016. Odds that he's still slugging anything in the neighborhood of .580 then: poor. You know, everyone is saying that the world is going to run out of crude oil at some point, but I went to the gas station yesterday and filled up my car. Therefore: we probably will never run out of crude oil.

Plus, he's shown he's serious about his game and his body. He has lost an estimated 30 pounds and remarkably turned himself into at least an average defensive first baseman from something a lot less than that. So in that way, he's actually on the rise.

On the rise and about to crash into his very low (for a pro athlete) athleticism ceiling.

4) He's a winner and a major part of one of the strongest lineups in baseball. Why mess with a good thing?

Awesome point. You're a fucking idiot.

5) The market could explode.

It won't. If Adrian Gonzalez or Prince Fielder hit the FA market after 2011 and sign contracts that pay them this kind of money when they're 34, 35, and 36, I'll eat my oversized foam cowboy hat.

The economy is improving, baseball is doing great and the appetite for superstars on the free-agent market is always strong, even in down times like the past couple years. "You can't really pinpoint what these guys could be getting on the open market,'' Boggs said, honestly.

Boggs is John Boggs, Gonzalez's agent. HMMMMMM. You think he likes the deal Howard got? In conclusion, don't ever let Jon Heyman run your baseball team.

Two Sides of a Stupid Story

Being Great Americans, most of us like to argue about sports with our friends. Usually, sports stories have two sides to them. Usually, they are formed something like this:

Point: Notre Dame sucks! They haven't won anything in a million years!
Counter-point: Notre Dame rules! They've got a lot of national titles they won in football games!

or

Point: Statistics are stupid; the best way to know sports is to watch the players play the sports game!
Counter-point: Statistics are really useful; they let you measure how a player performs when you can't watch all the games even with the TiVo.

Something like that. Frequently, arguments are resolved through one side's careful use of logic and sports arguments frequently end in amiable agreement about the most sensible point of view. And this blog is designed to facilitate that process.

POINT: The Yankees are ruining baseball.
[Note: this article, though written by Phil Sheridan from the Philly Inquirer, is also published on BostonHerald.com. The best part about Yankee news? Insecure Boston fans show their true bitchy natures]

The New York Yankees represent the very worst of America.

Surely, I am no Yankees fan, but I think O.J. Simpson's lawyers represent the very worst of America.

Overstatement? Consider the times. Cornerstone industries are faltering,

I blame the Yankees.

taxpayers are being asked to bail out mismanaged financial institutions and their overpaid CEOs,

I blame the Yankees.

and decent, hard-working men and women are being laid off or worrying that they could be next.

Fuck you, Yankees! Stop firing all those overpaid auto-workers whose own inflexible labor contracts have hurt them; stop firing all the excess middle management that isn't needed; stop firing all the hedge fund managers whose wealth-juggling games have finally hit the wall! Damn it, Cashman! Stop being such an asshole and actively hurting decent, hard-working men and women by trying to make your baseball team better!

Now consider the eight-year, $180 million contract the Yankees reportedly handed first baseman Mark Teixeira Tuesday. Stack it on top of the $161 million deal signed by pitcher CC Sabathia and the (relatively) modest $82.5 million promised to A.J. Burnett and you have the most egregious display of financial irresponsibility in the history of sports.

No, no, no. If you can PAY for it, and you MAKE billions of dollars, re-investing in your product is not a stupid or irresponsible at all. These decisions are much more egregious.

The Yanks’ insane overspending would be bad for baseball in the best of times. These are not the best of times.

As I've written before, the last few years have actually been some of the best times in baseball history, whether you consider attendance, profits, competitiveness for all teams not based in Pittsburgh. Mr. Sheridan, you can't just spout this with no basis and expect teh_blogorz not to call you on it!

If Major League Baseball had a commissioner — that is, an independent and strong-willed leader unafraid to do the right thing — the Teixeira and Sabathia deals would be nullified based on the commissioner’s sweeping "best interest of the game" powers.

What an awful idea. Is Mr. Sheridan really suggesting that anytime someone gets signed to a big contract, the commissioner should step in? Is Bud Selig's job to be a one-man salary cap, based on nullifying contracts approximately whenever he feels like it?

Up in Boston, where the Red Sox made a serious run at signing Teixeira, this deal is being rationally and calmly analyzed by baseball fans as if actual, flaming chunks of blue sky were crashing through the roofs of their homes.

Ah! I thought he was being serious! This was a joke! Whew. I thought for a minute there he was going to argue that Red Sox fans calmly and rationally analyzed something.

As one commenter on boston.com reasoned, "Dear God, please kill me now . . . " Another reflected, "OMG — I want to jump off a bridge . . . ! Yankees are instantly the favorites in the AL East for 2009 . . . ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Using comments from boston.com in your article: instant comedy.

Using comments from boston.com in your article: you're a doing a shit job of being a real journalist, and your whole argument is stupid.

COUNTER-POINT: The Yankees' spending is great for baseball! [Note: it is never a good thing for your side of an argument if you take a look around and notice that Richard Justice defends your viewpoint]

The Yankees are the gift that keeps on giving. We've just been guaranteed a great season no matter how it plays out.

No, real baseball fans have been guaranteed a season full of Yankee highlights every goddamn night - and Yankee subplots and sidebars all season long. Even Yankees fans aren't "guaranteed" a great season; the only people who are truly guaranteed a great season now are lazy, shitty sportswriters who will have tons of material.

Besides, if the Yankees win, how will their fans feel?

Pretty fucking good.

Will this be the kind of championship they're proud of?

Yes.

Will it reflect the greatness of the Yankees, or the fact that the Yankees did it with a sledgehammer?

Sledgehammers are not allowed on the baseball field, Richard.

In some ways, the Yankees can't win no matter how much they win.

What?

Isn't that a beautiful thing? And if they don't win, there'll be a firestorm to end all firestorms.

I, too, look forward to that. Residents of mountainous resort communities will be happy to know that all fire-storms will be ended if this takes place.

Regarding comments by the Brewers' owner:

This guy doesn't get it. If he owns the Brewers long enough, he'll understand that when the Yankees are really good, every other team benefits.

An implausible argument to say the least. But let's see how little Richard handles it:

What have the Yankees won anyway? How good are they? Have you checked out their outfield? Want to compare rotations? Which rotation do you like most? Which group has done more in October? Have they forgotten what a choking dog Alex Rodriguez is in the playoffs?

So wait.. you're saying that baseball is better off since the Yankees have become really good... but then you argue that they're NOT really good?

Also: A-Rod sucks, but not as bad as Richard Justice.

THE SENSIBLE CONCLUSION:

Actually, all this signing crap doesn't really affect the baseball world much at all. The Yankees are going to be better this season, but competitive balance will still prove that baseball's system isn't broken and doesn't need fixing. Sensible viewpoints (like this one which correctly pinpoints small-market teams as whiny and profit-hungry) must prevail, no matter the economic climate of the country. For pete's sake, even Dayn Perry realizes that this isn't that big a deal, and that salary caps " do nothing to promote competitive balance, and all they do is guarantee owner profits".

That Was One Hell of an All-Star Game, Wasn't It?

Too bad this post has very little to do with the game in question. It's more crap about A-Rod from Rick Morrissey.

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

Yeah, thank goodness. Because then the White Sox would have an absolute stranglehold on the AL Central and then baseball would be less exciting. That's what you're getting at, right?

No wait....you write for a Chicago newspaper. It has to be the other meaning. The stupid one.

Sitting at a table amid a gob of reporters and cameramen, Alex Rodriguez was talking about his life, which might or might not include Madonna, who, by the way, might be using Jewish mysticism to brainwash A-Rod into thinking the two are "soulmates," according to friends of Rodriguez's estranged wife, as reported by the New York Daily News, which keeps track of these things.

This is pretty much entirely the media's fault, when you think about it.

"Look, everyone has distractions, everyone goes through personal issues," Rodriguez was telling the gathered media Monday. "Mine are on the front page of the papers."

See? And you're making it worse. I saw the front page of the actual Chicago Tribune newspaper today, and these words of Rick Morrissey were written on it. It's like circular reasoning, man. "Thank God that Crede is no A-Rod, because A-Rod has widely publicized personal issues that are exacerbated by me writing this sentence on the front page of a newspaper."


A few minutes later and several tables away, Joe Crede was talking to five reporters about his distractions, which would be "A" material for the cover of Parenting magazine only if he came up with something like a revolutionary toilet-training method.

"The biggest excitement in my life are my two girls, 4 and 2," he said. "That's all the excitement I need right there.

Awwwwwww!

Alex Rodriguez, Joe Crede. I always get them mixed up.

This is sarcastic, I know. But what's your point?

They're both third basemen. They're both American League All-Stars. They used to be connected at the agent, Scott Boras, until Rodriguez decided to work out his own deal last year.

Uh huh....great.

That would pretty much sum up the similarities between the New York superstar and the White Sox's resurrected infielder.

This is interesting because......

This is Rodriguez's 12th All-Star Game, Crede's first.

::rereads and copies article title::

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

You serious, dude?

Rodriguez is the Yankee with the two-ton contract. Crede is the guy who would like a new contract from the Sox.

Again, true statements, but these have no relevance to any point you are trying to make.

The Sox didn't exactly leave him for dead in the off-season, but they were seen holding a stethoscope.

Are all the sports cartoonists in the room done laughing yet? The rest of us didn't find this one to be all that witty.

And they sure were talking a lot about an ascendant Josh Fields at third.

Maybe because he hit 23 HR in 373 AB last year?

Whether you believe they were furiously trying to trade Crede and his balky back depends on the person doing the talking.

No, it fucking doesn't. They were absolutely trying to dump him. They were showcasing him for a trade all spring and he played like Tomas Perez. Kenny Williams asked Brian Sabean for Fred Lewis, and even Sabean understood it was a ripoff and laughed in Kenny's face. Kenny Williams literally would have taken a vending machine in exchange for Joe Crede in spring training.

But it's indisputable that Crede is here at the All-Star Game.

Of course it's indisputable you fucking twat.

"Hi, I'm Rick Morrissey. It's indisputable that Joe Saunders is a pitcher."

Sometimes standing still — or being forced to stand still — is the best thing for a team.

God, that's great philosophy. Do you write books, sir? Maybe you should be a GM.

Forgive Crede for taking some pleasure in this. Thirteen months ago, he couldn't lift his children because of his back. Six months ago, as he rehabbed from back surgery, he was the subject of trade rumors.

Sure, of course he should be happy about his comeback. I don't think he should go around bragging about his .325 OBP or his .259 EqA though. Did I mention he in no way deserved to be on the All-Star team? Because if I didn't, let me declare this to the world.

Ahem.

Joe Crede in no way deserved to be on the All-Star team. If you are being generous, he has been the 7th best 3rd baseman in the American League this year, behind A-Rod, Lowell, Rolen, Longoria, Guillen, and ::gasp:: Adrian Beltre. He has 17 errors, which people with a fully functional brain would deem terrible. The fact that he made the All-Star team this year is living proof that you can't use All-Star game appearances at all to prove that a player has played well in a given season.

But yeah, I mean all that stuff about not being able to lift his kids and rehabs and back surgery and rainbows and lollipops and trade rumors and....shucks, you're probably right, Morrissey.

Now he's backing up A-Rod at the All-Star Game.

Which is an honor because A-Rod is great, but.....

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

So it's awesome, because Crede deserves a world of respect for his comeback, which you are epitomizing by saying he's backing up an awesome player at the All-Star game, an awesome player whom, as your title states, you are glad Crede is nothing like.

It has come to my attention that several readers have developed migraines upon reading these things Morrissey has said. Remember, friends, don't kill the messenger!

If the Sox are smart, they will work something out with Crede.

If the Sox are smart, they would realize that having a pretty good 3B prospect at AAA that has already proven he has a future at the big league level would merit passing on Crede, an overrated player that is guaranteed to demand more than he is worth as a free agent, no matter how much he is worth at season's end.

But I mean, he couldn't lift his kids 13 months ago, so eh, I dunno Morrissey, what do you think? The evidence in both directions is astounding!

The All-Star selection would seem to be proof that his formerly aching back isn't an issue.

Again, we've had this discussion. Jason Varitek was an All-Star. He is hitting .218/.299/.354. What. The. Fuck. Is. Your. Point. Question. Mark?

Aside from a first half uncharacteristically filled with errors, he has been a rock at third base.

::reads sentence again to make sure that he isn't dreaming.::

Aside from a first half uncharacteristically filled with errors, he has been a rock at third base.

This might be the stupidest sentence I have ever read.

Okay readers, I can't do this one justice. We'll turn this over to you. What would be the funniest line to write here? Make it in the form of "Aside from _______, (something) has been (phrase basically saying (something) has been good)."

Here's an example. "Aside from all the holes in the bottom, this plastic bag has been great for containing water." You guys are creative, I trust you'll make them good! FireJay bloggers, get in on this one as well!

Just in time for All-Star quote/unquote weekend

I doubt I'll watch the homerun derby on Tuesday or Monday or whatever, so I doubt I'll leave a mildly coherent drunk voicemail on Larry B's cellphone about how preposterous it is. I don't even think I'll watch the all-star game on Tuesday (or Wednesday or whenever) so I can't muster up that much outrage about supposed snubs, etc. But I can rip Scott Miller for yet another ridiculously stupid baseball post.

Since the definition of an all-star is kind of nebulous and situational, so too, probably will the definition (to the extent it exists) of an anti-all-star. An all-star is usually defined as someone who would rank among the best players at his position during the current half-season. However, that's obviously not the hard and fast definition of an all-star, as sometimes players who are slightly less good THIS year might make it because of a more solid and all-star worthy career, or players who are completely undeserving this year might make it on the basis of a long and storied career. Sometimes "value to their team" is taken into consideration when things like performance make an all-star selection inscrutable.

Therefore, it seems like an anti-all-star is probably someone who is either

a.) the worst player at their position this year
b.) not the worst player at their position this year, but historically a lousy player at their position
c.) the owner of a preposterously awful career record, even if their current season isn't particularly awful
d.) detrimental to their team.

Some of the players Miller's chosen make sense (the Padres catching "staff", Richie Sexson--although wouldn't it be helpful to pick a player who IS STILL PLAYING BASEBALL?, Paul Mcanulty--although it might be helpful not to pick a guy now in the minors with only 135 AB to his credit this season, Andruw Jones, Jose Vidro--although, see Richie Sexson, Shawn Chacon--see Jose Vidro, and Eric Gagne). However some of them are just mind-numbingly brutal.

Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee.

As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.

This is fair. Weeks, despite all the expectations for him to perform as a power hitter, is only OPS+ing 82 and bringing pretty lousy defense at the 2B position. Players like Robinson Cano, Freddy Sanchez, Marco Scutaro, and Brendan Harris bring less production to the table but with better defense and, with the exception of Cano and Sanchez, much lower expectations. This is a fair choice. I just absolutely can't understand this:

Weeks is having such a rough time that when he became ill earlier this month, nobody could even tell whether it was food poisoning or a stomach virus. He was given fluids intravenously at a local doctor's office. Presumably, it also came with this advice: An apple a day, and stop swinging at bad pitches, and it'll keep the doctor away.

Huh?

I guess when you're unable to attack a player's grit or attitude, attack his....digestive system? Fear not, though, Miller finds plenty to attack in players character from this point on:

Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.

He's got talent. He's got speed. He's got pizzazz. He's also got an infuriating case of immaturity.

Ah. The Bill Plaschke. School of. Journalism. Immaturity. I guess Reyes's immaturity has been causing him to produce at a level lower than those a player his age would generally tend to reach, right? No? You mean, the guy has all-star caliber offensive numbers at a defensive position he plays more than servicably? And he's 25? Oh.

I was there in Anaheim when he threw a colossal fit on the field when interim manager Jerry Manuel removed him from the game as a precautionary measure to protect a mildly strained hamstring. It was the worst thing I've seen on the field since Jose Guillen threw a similar fit years ago while playing for the Angels.

Ok. Well this is essentially the one specific incident Miller will hang his hat on to prove that Reyes is emotionally immature. Now I'm not going to condone Reyes's actions (that's not true. Manuel's an idiot and anyone who shows him up is inherently right in doing so) but I will say this:

If Eckstein had been injured and refused to come out of a game, he'd be labeled the White Jesus.

But all this vitriol against Reyes's character is NOTHING compared to Miller's ultimate misguided hatred. The object of this completely misguided hatred? Who the fuck do you think:

Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.

He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall. He might be starting the real All-Star Game, but after essentially putting out a signal that he thinks he is bigger than the game by the arrogant and stupid timing of the opt-out move, there's no question he very much retains many Anti All-Star qualities.

First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.

Seriously. This is fucking retarded. At least he didn't mention that "A-WOD IDN'T GONNA HIT DA HOME WUN DEWBY :("

But really--how can you mention A-Rod as an anti-all-star without bringing up how Madonna is a more destructive force to the Yankees than she was to the Ciccone family in 1986 when she told Papa not to preach? Seriously.

(^that was an awesome pop culture reference)

But back to the topic at hand--his biggest beef with A-Rod, in naming him an ANTI-ALL-STAR for this year is that A-Rod's douchebag agent told the networks that A-Rod opted out of his contract while the WS was going on and the networks decided to report it? Seriously? That's why you think A-Rod is the shining example of a third baseman who embodies the antithesis of all-star?

But the very best (read: worst) of his selections needs absolutely not commentary. Just read it:

Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees.

Yes, the comeback of the year! Anybody who has seen O'Neill at The Stadium in his broadcasting capacity this summer will tell you the guy looks like he still can play. Certainly, he has a high enough opinion of himself to give it a whirl.

The most asinine occurrence of the year came in April, when Yankees fans were giving it to reliever LaTroy Hawkins because he was wearing O'Neill's old No. 21. Nobody had worn it since Paulie, but because Hawkins' first choice was one of a zillion numbers the Yankees had retired, he had to pick another. So he attempted to honor Roberto Clemente ... and Yankees fans reacted as if he had dumped manure during the Pope's visit.

O'Neill, of course, had the perfect venue to make life easier for a new Yankee: the airwaves. He could have stepped up and urged fans to welcome Hawkins. Instead, O'Neill said he found it sort of surprising that someone was wearing his number. Strange to see his old number warming up in the bullpen, O'Neill said.

As Steve Martin once said, let's get small, Paul.

....






Anyway, let's sum up Miller's anti-all-star team:

Catcher: SD Padre's catching staff
a fair selection, but, you know, more than one person
First Base: Richie Sexson
Not currently on a MLB roster
Second Baseman: Rickie Weeks
A fair pick. Is susceptible to ambiguous physical malady
Shortstop: Jose Reyes
Probably one of the 5 best players at his position in baseball. Is 25 years old.
Third Base: Alex Rodriguez
Either the best or 2nd best player in baseball at his position. A no doubt HOFer if he never played another game.
Left Field: Paul Mcanulty
A guy with 212 career MLB at bats. Is now in the minors after 135 MLB AB. Can't believe he didn't produce.
Center Fielder: Andruw Jones
Great pick.
Right Fielder: Paul O'Neill
Hasn't played MLB baseball in 7 years
Starting Pitcher: Shawn Chacon
No longer on a MLB roster
Closing Pitcher: Eric Gagne
Great pick