WMTMQR: Show me the funny

Gregg's in the mood to tell jokes this week, moreso than usual. That's a good thing for us. Also, a shoutout to reader Daniel who went 2 for 3 in the prediction he made in the comments section last post. Buffalo's 3-0 start gave Gregg cause to talk at length about the undergrad institutions attended by Ryan Fitzpatrick (Harvard? I had no idea!) and Fred Jackson. Somehow he forgot to talk about how Stevie Johnson was a 15th round draft choice, though. Of course that's not the real reason Johnson rules--he rules because he blamed God for a dropped pass. But enough about me. Let's talk about pretentious faux intellectuals who write about science fiction and football.

Of course, children, I am referring to the Buffalo Bills and the Detroit Lions. And no, I don't know what "Bills" are, either. This has been lost to the mists of history. Perhaps the team was originally called the Buffalo Williams.

/bike horn

/slide whistle

Told you he was in the mood to yolk around.

The Bills-Patriots game even produced a moment in which the unassuming Chan Gailey, fired twice in the past five years and OOF -- Out of Football -- entirely in 2009, out-Belichicked Bill Belichick.

Do tell.

Game tied at 31, Buffalo's Fred Jackson -- undrafted from Division III Coe College, now one of pro football's top performers -- caught a 39-yard pass, lunging across the goal line with 1:43 remaining. Zebras signaled touchdown. Then booth review began. Jackson's knee went down at the 1, as replay ultimately determined.

Jackson not scoring was great for Buffalo! Belichick immediately realized that if the play was ruled a touchdown, Brady would have 1:43 and two timeouts to try for overtime. If instead Jackson was ruled down at the 1, Buffalo could kneel three times, force Belichick to burn the timeouts, then kick a field goal, leaving New England mere seconds to reply. Belichick gestured angrily at the officials -- he wanted them to count the touchdown. Belichick was demanding that his opponent be awarded a score!

As it happened, a personal foul against the Patriots allowed Buffalo to use the entire clock and launch the winning kick as time expired.

So "doing what any person with a brain and basic knowledge of football would do" now counts as outsmarting a guy who wins Super Bowls and deviously wrecks marriages on a semi-regular basis.

Postgame, Belichick had to explain to baffled sportswriters, in gruff terms, that he called time-out the moment the replay decision was made, because once officials determined the runner was down inbounds, the clock would restart as if Jackson had been tackled at the 1. How could it be that sportswriters who do nothing but football all year round don't know that rule?

How dare those sportswriters not know a basic thing about football! They should be ashamed. I bet they also don't know that if you lose by a field goal on the last play of the game, you could have prevented it by... and you know the rest.

An ideal outcome for the 2011 NFL season would be for two underdog teams from fading old-industry cities to meet in the Super Bowl. From now on, a Buffalo-Detroit Super Bowl is what this column is rooting for. As TMQ noted last week, if Buffalo and Detroit met in the Super Bowl, "One of them would have to win -- I think."

/laugh track

Stop citing to your own columns and unclever pithy remarks.

In Indianapolis Colts news, Peyton Manning seems a long shot to return this season. This would end football's version of "Narnia." Eustace, Lucy, where are you?

I killed the hyperlink- that was another citation to his own (awful) work. Come on man, who are you? Jason Whitlock?

Stats of the Week No. 3: Jay Cutler has been sacked 101 times in 34 starts for the Chicago Bears. While playing for the Denver Broncos, he was sacked 51 times in 57 starts.

Average mouth-breathing Bears fan: "CUTLER IS A PUSSYFACE WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WIN"

Stats of the Week No. 5: Since earning home playoff dates at the end of the 2010 regular season, the Atlanta Falcons and Kansas City Chiefs are a combined 1-7.

But just ask any Peter King; with their comically overrated QB and unremarkable defense, the Falcons are a lock to win the NFC this year.

Sweet Play of the Week: The Houston Texans leading the New Orleans Saints

You mean the Moo Cows and the whatever the fuck your nickname for the Saints is-es?

Sweet Play Called Back: The Green Bay Packers,

Shit, forgot this one too.

leading by 10, punted to the Chicago Bears

YOU MEAN MING DING XIONG! BEARS WHOSE OUTCOMES ARE DETERMINED BY FATE!

Sour Play of the Week Washington leading Dallas 16-15 just before the two-minute warning, the Skins had the Boys facing third-and-21 on their 30. Since the average NFL snap gains somewhat over 5 yards, and Washington this season is allowing 6.1 yards per snap, all the Redskins needed do was play straight defense and a stop was likely.

Joe Morgan was right. Statistics ARE stupid because you can make them say anything you want. Also, remember those reporters who didn't understand the rules about the clock following a challenge? What a bunch of clowns!

That cannot seriously be an eight-man blitz on third-and-21! The eight-man blitz is almost never seen, because it is like handing out a card that says "Please score a touchdown." Tony Romo threw a 30-yard completion to the single-covered Dez Bryant, penalty yardage was added, and a moment later the home team launched the winning kick.

Bryant was at 75% and Miles Austin was sitting. Blitzing makes much more sense when you can easily use man coverage against the other team's WRs. Not saying it was definitely the right call here, but let's add some context, you know? No? OK, no context.

On the possession, Washington defensive coordinator Jim Haslett called an eight-man blitz on first down, a seven-man blitz on second down

Wonder how those worked out? My guess is that Dallas was already in the end zone after each- so I'm not sure how it could have been 3rd and 21.

and an eight-man blitz on third down.

One fluky scramble and one bad play by DeAngelo Hall (who saw that coming?) later and the Cowboys were back in business. Debate settled: blitzing never works.

He also handed out cards saying "Please score a touchdown." Dallas settled for as field goal.

What?

He also handed out cards saying "Please score a touchdown." Dallas settled for as field goal.

I think that joke is unintentional, but it still made me chuckle. Also, if you watched Washington's victories over Arizona and New York (by which I mean Jersey/A!), you would know that heavy blitzing was a big part of both of those games. But acknowledging that would require Gregg to provide his analysis after considering the facts, rather than only talking about the facts that fit the analysis he wants to provide. Very inconvenient.

Just to prove this was no fluke, at the two-minute warning, the Texans faced third-and-15. New Orleans showed the conservative three-man front that's become popular in long-yardage situations -- then rushed five, sacking Matt Schaub and all but ended the contest. Sweet. Nickelback Leigh Torrence came through untouched for the sack, though Houston had six available to block five. Sour.

I like how he carefully avoids using the work "blitz" when a blitz is successful. Blitz? What blitz? That was a "rush."

Bad Predictions Watch: Reader Tyler Smith of Zionsville, Ind., notes students at Hamilton College tracked a year's worth of predictions by political pundits, and found the average pundit no more accurate than a coin flip. Hamilton College students also discerned a hidden pattern: "Prognosticators with a law degree were more likely to be wrong."

Nothing to get the funny bone tickled like dumping on lawyers! Those stupid lawyers. They're so full of themselves and yet so stupidly stupid. Hey, what do you call 100 smarmy sportswriters at the bottom of the ocean? A PRETTY GOOD START!

A Fine Whine: The San Diego Chargers are plowing new ground by marketing a team wine. The beverage offers "vibrant fruit flavors and toasty oak." Considering the Bolts' performance in 2010 -- first in offense, first in defense, missed the playoffs -- TMQ suspects the wine is made to the highest possible standards from the very finest grapes, and tastes bad.

What if other NFL teams marketed wines?

• Dallas Cowboys Missing Seats Merlot: Rich with deceptive promises, this wine will make you want to stand up throughout any dinner or social occasion.

And then he does like eight more of these. It's depressing.

It's not just that Martz has made the pass-wacky offense one-dimensional: counting sacks and scrambles, he has called 131 passes versus 48 rushes. The 1-2 Bears seemed discombobulated at critical moments against the defending champion Packers. Former head coaches tend to project ego fields.

Nah, that's just Charlie Weis's gravitational field.

/shows self out

Many don't really want to be taking orders, and don't want to be questioned by players or each other. There are so many ego fields on the Chicago sideline, they may be interacting negatively.

That's gotta be it. I can't think of any other reason the Bears could be 1-2, other than the slight possibility that playing at New Orleans and then hosting the pass-rush heavy Packers on consecutive weeks is going to hang plenty of teams with two losses.

What Tom Brady Will Do After Football: Last week TMQ said auto shows feature "glamorous models draped over concept cars you probably wouldn't even want. The models are always women, not male-model hunks, which must be the car industry's way of acknowledging that only men can to inveigled into spending huge amounts of money on cars." Reader Balázs GyQrik, of Budapest, Hungary, reports Citroen had a male model adorning its latest product at the Frankfurt auto show. He notes, "Sure, it's only a drop in the sea, but can hunks in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue be far behind?"

Nope! And that's fifteen seconds you'll never have back.

Are Greek Bonds Backing the Movie "Moneyball"? The movie "Moneyball" is winning rave reviews. Michael Lewis's 2003 book of the same name is also a great read, though handicapped in spots with the contemporary publishing-industry imperative of the nonfiction work that claims an amazing single insight that explains everything about a topic.

I have read Moneyball twice. At no point does Lewis present any thesis that comes off like it was concocted by some dipshit like Malcolm Gladwell. If you got that from it, either you were reading too fast or you are Tim McCarver.

In the film, the handsome Brad Pitt plays Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane, who is himself handsome -- maybe Beane could play Pitt in some future flick.

Seems pretty unlikely.

The book and the movie both portray Beane as a super-ultra genius for applying the Bill James sabermetric approach to baseball decision-making, then using James-style data crunching to guide the low-rent, underdog A's to a division title in 2002.

Lewis' book stops in that year, which is handy for its thesis.

Also handy when you consider the fact that Lewis wrote it during 2003 after spending 2002 doing research specifically so he could write the book the following year. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, LEWIS? ADMIT IT! ADMIT YOU PAID OFF THE A'S TO MAKE THEM WIN THAT 2002 AL WEST CROWN!

Beane continues to run the Athletics using the moneyball approach: yet Oakland has not finished above .500 in five years, and currently is a dreary 72-88. Nor did the moneyball approach ever take the team into the World Series.

Oh brother. Here we go again.

One possibility is that the whole moneyball idea is hype: that Beane had some beginner's luck, which Lewis, wanting to puff up a book proposal, converted into a claim of a sweeping insight about sports economics. Since Beane took over the A's, there are many MLB teams that have reached the World Series without asserting they possess any stunning conceptual breakthroughs about whom to sign.

And nearly all of them have had good luck w/r/t injuries and excellent situational hitting/bullpen work. Two things that have exactly nothing to do with the Moneyball approach, and which the A's teams of the early aughts couldn't quite get right. And of course eventually everyone else caught up with the idea of exploiting market inefficiencies (except the Astros).

It is also possible that Beane fell victim to "commoditization," which happens with increasing speed in a globalized environment. This would mean Beane did in fact have an important insight, but his idea has been copied by most if not all MLB franchises, turning the idea into a mere commodity that, possessed by everyone, confers no advantage.

So you knew all along and just wanted to take a shot at Beane and Lewis before acknowledging it. Nice. Joe Morgan and Gregg Easterbrook have never been seen in the same place at the same time. COINCIDENCE????

Here's what your columnist wrote about commoditization in my 2009 book "Sonic Boom":

JESUS CHRIST. Stop.

Commoditization is a reason the international economy grows more productive and simultaneously more turbulent -- when some business has a good idea, the rest of the world learns to imitate that idea with increasing alacrity. In Beane's case, once the book "Moneyball" was published in 2003, the rest of baseball had a road map -- available for $27.95 in a bookstore -- on how to apply sabermetrics to free agency decisions. The idea was commoditized, and the A's sunk back into mediocrity.

The idea that other teams wanted to know how the A's were succeeding with such low payrolls, and couldn't figure it out on their own, but then eventually were able to figure it out by reading Moneyball, makes me chortle. Can you imagine Brian Sabean and Dave Dombrowski standing in line at Barnes and Noble, excitedly flipping through the pages? Lord knows I can and it's a glorious image. Chortle chortle chortle.

Rule quirk: The other thing Oklahoma State might have done [to run out the clock on the last play of the game] is have the quarterback heave the ball deep down the middle. The clock stops when an incompletion crosses the out-of-bounds markers on the sidelines. But for a pass thrown through and out of the end zone, the clock does not stop until the ball crosses the backline. Surely a high-arcing pass would take more than 5 seconds to traverse from the Team A 39-yard line to the back of the Team B end zone. So in the situation faced by the Cowboys, this would seem a safe way to kill the final 5 seconds. But you'd be gambling that the zebras knew this rarely invoked rule.

You would also be gambling that a college QB can throw the ball 75 yards (or that if they can't, the other team's safeties couldn't track the ball and intercept it and have a chance for a return TD) which would make you incredibly fucking stupid.

That's all I can take- just don't have the energy to pick apart the obscure college score of the week. Later on I plan to post a review of Keith Law's review of Moneyball. Did Keith like it? Does he ever like anything ever? Do I wish someone would kick him in the balls and tell him to lighten up a little (yes, I know I am being a hypocrite)? All these questions and more will be answered later this week! Maybe!

Woo-fucking-hoo!

So apparently there's this blog out there called Fire Joe Morgan that stole our idea for how to criticize the sports media. Kudos to them, though, because this just happened. I guess it would be even better if their blog was called Don't Retain Joe Morgan. But still. That's pretty awesome.

Now watch ESPN replace Morgan with some diptard like McCarver.

Same Old Joe

Hello again Mr. Morgan. It sure is nice that you haven't given in to all the newfangled "sensible" ways of thinking about baseball. And it's especially nice that you remind everyone every week on Sunday Night Baseball. But.....

please, please, stop embarrassing yourself

Jeremy L (Philly): Hey Joe, I've been a big fan for a while. Could you please weigh in on the CC vs. King Felix for cy young debate?

Jeremy L (Philly) just asked a very innocent question and somehow just made Joe Morgan incredibly pissed off.

Joe Morgan: I think it's a joke to have that kind of debate.

I agree Joe....one of them has been significantly better than the other.

What Sabathia has done is be the best pitcher in the AL from opening day to this point.

Duh-whaaaaaa?

I don't buy into the point that if Felix is pitching for someone else he'd have more wins.

Huh. You don't buy that. Interesting.

New York Yankees Runs Scored: 778, best in Major League Baseball
Seattle Mariners Runs Scored: 469, worst in Major League Baseball

Let me repeat. The Seattle Mariners have scored 469 runs. That's 37 less than the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Oakland Athletics, who batted fucking Kurt Suzuki and his .242/.305/.366 line 3rd all season until they realized that this didn't cut it, so they promoted Mark Ellis to the 3rd spot in the order, have outscored the Seattle Mariners by a whopping 121 runs.

And Felix Hernandez wouldn't win more games somewhere else? Somewhere where he wouldn't take the loss 7 times for giving up 3 ER or fewer? Somewhere where he wouldn't get a no-decision 10 times for giving up 3 ER or fewer? Because those places exist Joe. They're called anywhere but motherfucking Seattle.

They said that about Cliff Lee when he left Seattle, but he's lost more than he's won since he left Seattle.

Because he's pitching worse.

The name of the game is to win and he's won.

Yes, he has, with the help of mediocre offensive talents like Robinson Cano, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Teixeira. Sabathia just puts 'em all on his hefty back and drags them kicking and screaming to the 'W'.

And if you're looking at a second guy, it has to be David Price.

Who has thrown 80% of the innings of either of them.

And now, ladies and gentleman, here is my favorite line of any JoeChat ever.

It's amazing to me that we have let computers define him rather than performance.

A) No one even knows who you're talking about anymore. This is like your eleventeenth ambiguous "he"/"him" reference in this response, and we've got a ways to go.
B) It's amazing to me that you're letting CC's offense define him rather than his pitching. Same with Felix.
C) What the fuck?

His job is to win the game, not just pitch 5-6 innings.

Twelveteenth. Also, this doesn't make any sense at all. Felix Hernandez has thrown
more innings than CC Sabathia, if you were trying to claim that Felix isn't winning or something because he doesn't pitch deep into games. This is worthless.

I don't think there should be a debate between Felix and Sabathia.

And we're back to being in agreement.

This might have been the end of Joe's response. It was the end of the comment box containing his reply. However, this one ticked Joe off so much that he had to post a second comment in the chat containing the following:

There are a lot of examples where a pitcher pitches great on a bad team and then he gets traded to another team and he loses. A month and a half ago, they were saying the Cliff Lee was going to win the Cy Young Award and no one else was close. He gets traded to Texas and he hasn't won games and Texas is a better team than Seattle.

"There are a lot of examples where X. To prove just how many there are, I'm going to give you the same example I just gave you one paragraph ago."

This actually reminded me of the ginger episode of South Park where Cartman kept trying to think of red-headed celebrities and only could come up with Ron Howard.

Mark (Minnesota): How do you like theTwins chances of making it to the World Series if they continue to play good baseball like they have been playing. Also with the return of Justin Morneau to the lineup hopefully in the near future will only make them stronger in the hitting category.

Mark, you are about to get the least informative answer in hist---no...that's an exaggeration. This is, in fact, a JoeChat.

Joe Morgan: There is something about the Twins that leaves me wondering.

Interesting...what is it?

I don't know what it is.

Of course you don't.

They seem to do everything they're supposed to do. They pitch well, hit well, play defense.

Sounds like a great team to me! So what's wrong?

But there is something about them that keeps me wondering about if they can go all the way.

Hmmm...you mentioned that they are effective at the three things that comprise pretty much 100% of Major League Baseball (if you count "play defense" as a compliment), so I really don't see what you could be talking about....

There's just something there that I have questions about.

And neither do you....you're just making words and avoiding saying anything specific about the Twins, because you don't know anything about the Twins.

I don't think they can beat the Yankees in a short series, especially if the Yankees have the home field.

Wow, there you go Mark. Joe doesn't think that a team that hits well, pitches well, and "plays defense" can beat the New York Yankees in a short series. (I like how he uses "short series" almost as if its evidence to his point, because it's far easier for a bad team to beat a good team in a short series as opposed to a long one).

Tito (Brooklyn) What do you think about the conflict between Rasmus and LaRussa? Who has been in the wrong?

Joe Morgan: Well, I'm not close enough to the scene to make that kind of determination.

Joe, if you're not close to the scene, I must be in another fucking solar system. But this is an easy question to answer. Tony LaRussa is a fuckhat. A serious fuckhat. If you are a manager and have one of the best young players in major league baseball hitting .276/.361/.512 and you bench him for any reason besides injury, you should be fired. Immediately.

I had a long talk with Tony before our Sunday night game. I've known him a long time. He wasn't holding any grudges against Rasmus. Tony felt like it was his job to help a young player gain experience and understanding of what was expected from him. After a couple of meetings, they both got on the same page, but what happened was it was reported later that he had asked for a trade and Tony said he didn't ask for a trade.

I don't have a problem with any of this. I just don't understand how Joe can have all of these discussions with Mr. LaRussa and make the standard disclaimer that he's "not close to the scene".

Steve (Blacksburg, VA): What's your theory on the Rangers? Think they can hang in the playoffs?

Steve, that was a mistake. You are foolish to think that Joe has any theories on the Rangers.

Joe Morgan: If they have homefield advantage, I think it will really help them.

As opposed to the Tampa Bay Rays, for whom home field advantage would have about the same effect as James Shields and Evan Longoria contracting Rocky Mountain spotted fever.

I don't see them with their starting pitching being able to be the dominant team that they've been in the West.

Your up-to-the-minute ERAs of the best four hitters-park-pitching-in starters of the Texas Rangers:

3.19
3.21
3.84
3.97

Joe seems to have these Rangers confused with those from 2004. Now, back to the chat!

But as I've always said and I continue to believe, any team that gets into the playoffs can win the championship. If you get hot in that short period of time, you have a chance of winning.

That was a very Ranger-y, Ranger-specific thing to Ranger. Rangers!

The playoffs is a very short season.

That sentence just makes me smile. I don't see any better way to go out. Until next time!

Just Because I Miss 'Em

My small amount of presence here on FireJay in recent months (years) is primarily attributable to the fact that I have had little-to-no time to blog it up. Truth be told, it's wedding and graduation party season, and I've got only so much time to myself, most of which is spent doing actuarial assessments and studying for exams. Which I guess, to the blogging community, makes me a huge nerd. Which, i guess, to the non-blogging community makes me some sort of sub-human creature, perhaps a cross between a ferret and a sea-slug, with comically large reading glasses.

Last night, I was talking with a close friend of mine, Dan (not the -bob variety), and he asked me why I don't post anymore. I told him that my reasoning behind my COMPLETE absence instead of very sparse presence is because I refuse to post things just to feel the need to defend myself against other people (read: person) (read: read: Chris W.) who post on this (read: blog) website (blog). As I've stated, I'm a firm believer of the FireJay guys being on the same team, and not tearing each other down. Without that, I might as well write elsewhere (I didn't).

Anyway, the reason you were all treated to that bit of hypocrisy on my part is because, well, frankly, I've been a little bored for a few minutes here and there, and I actually found myself reading Fire Joe Morgan archives, and chuckling stupidly to myself reading them. I know it's customary to make "what the hell is 'Fire Joe Morgan' " jokes around here, but truth be told, that IS where we got the idea, right? And let's be honest, that site did have pretty amazing content, even if ZOM G THOSE GUYS RLY HATE THE WHTIE SOXSSCSDXXXX AND ECKSETEIN!!!

So for better or for worse, I'm bringing back old memories with this one. Like it or not. We're gonna do a Joe Morgan Chat

Joe Morgan: As usual, there are a lot of omissions and a lot of players who are not happy with not making the all-star team. I can understand their frustration. It also happened to me on a couple of occasions. One thing to remember, when I was playing, there were 25 players on the roster and now there is 34. You have much better chance of making it now than before.

Hey Kevin Youkilis and Jered Weaver, Joe can totally understand what you're going through.

Only back in Joe's day, there were 9 fewer players on the team, so, ya know.....you guys can't really be THAT good.

Matt (Jacksonville): Joe, what is the problem with the Cubs? They have talent, but they can't seem to consistently put it together.

It has been over a year and a half since Fire Joe Morgan posted something. Matt (Jacksonville) still thinks this is funny.

Joe Morgan: The Cubs have had this problem for the last few years.

They were the best team in the world in 2008, which certainly falls under the last "few" years regardless of your definition of "few", but I guess that wasn't consistent enough.

It seems they can't get the right pieces to match.

What in the world does this sentence mean? Though if Jim Hendry really thought he was managing a jigsaw puzzle instead of a baseball franchise, that would explain a lot of things.

For a while they hit well but didn't score. Now they're pitching better but not hitting. They have not been able to perform at the high level it takes to win the Central division.

Matt: Hey Joe, what's wrong with the Cubs?

Joe: Well, for starters, they're really lacking in the "performance" department.

I think they've made some mistakes as far as evaluating some talent.

Yes....to put it mildly.....

In the long term that hurts you because a lot of the players there performing and you have some players getting paid a lot and not performing. It can drive a wedge between teammates.

Nary a mention of RamRam and his .268 OBP or the fact that Derrek Lee isn't outslugging Jeff Baker, who is having a terrible season. And for the record, Tyler Colvin has been batting cleanup for the Cubs recently, so I don't think he's really worried about higher paid players overshadowing him.

David Waddle (Park Hills, Ky): Do you agree that Joey Votto was robbed? First in HR, 3rd in B.A, and 5th in Ribbies. If you are choosing based on First-Half performance, which the manager SHOULD be...I'm glad he's not an umpire! He would have never made it into professional ball.

This topic has definitely been beaten to death, and the world's consensus is: "Yes, absolutely."

Joe Morgan: I don't think there is such a thing as robbed. I think there is such a thing as being overlooked.

That's a contrast! Let's boil those words down to their meaning, in context.

I don't think there is such a thing as [not getting put on the All-Star team when you really deserved to be]. I think there is a such thing as [not getting put on the All-Star team when you really deserved to be].

First of all, I'm the biggest Joey Votto fan, because I'm a Reds fan. I've watched him grow into one of the best hitters in the NL.

No one cares.

There are two ways of looking at this. First of all, the fans had a chance to vote him in and they didn't. Secondly, the players had a chance to vote him in and they didn't. So, how can you blame Charlie Manuel?

Easy. The fans voted in one 1B. The players voted in another 1B. Charlie Manuel had 100% jurisdiction over the final 9 roster slots, and he selected another first baseman not named Joey Votto. This is not a difficult concept to understand.

I would say that Adrian Gonzalez' numbers are not as good as Votto's. Howard has more RBI than he does and Howard has led his team to two World Series the last two years. He's been the MVP and ROY of the league.

Really? The fact that Howard won the 2006 MVP entitles him to play in the 2010 All-Star Game?

No, no, wait, really, beyond that. Why the fuck does Howard winning the Rookie of the Year award in 2005 entitle him to be on the All-Star team instead of Joey Votto???

1) How did Chris Coghlan get snubbed this bad?
2) Why isn't Omar Vizquel and his copious Gold Gloves in the game instead of Adrian Beltre?

If that doesn't make him an all-star, then I don't know what does.

Idiots that constantly overrate Ryan Howard?

It seems all of a sudden, we're only concerned with the first three months of the season. What's an all-star? The three months leading into the game or the full body of work. In any case, I think he should be on the all-star team. We'll leave it at that.

Joe Morgan's 2010 AL All-Star starters

C: Jason Varitek
1B: Jim Thome
2B: Roberto Alomar
SS: Derek Jeter (just kidding, it's Dave Concepcion)
3B: Alex Rodriguez
LF: Gary Sheffield
CF: Grady Sizemore
RF: Ichiro (won the ROY in 2001)

It's about the full body of work, people.

Pete (San Francisco): Who are your AL and NL MVP's at the half-way-point of the season? I know we still have half a season to play, but if you were forced to choose someone from each league to be an MVP at this point in the season, who would it be?

Joe Morgan: In the AL, I would pick Robinson Cano.

Not a terrible choice.

His team has the best record in the league

Couldn't be less relevant even if it dove into a vat full of radioactive irrelevance.

and he's their leader,

Did....did Derek Jeter pass away recently? I'm amazed that wasn't in the news.

The NL is a little toughter. I would have to give it to 2-3 guys: David Wright, Troy Glaus, Pujols.

Sounds good, pretty reasonable, go on.....

....

....

....

Wait a minute.

TROY GLAUS??????

Troy Glaus, the first baseman hitting .257/.362/.448.

Troy Glaus, the guy who isn't on an All-Star team, despite the fact that there are 4 NL All-Star first basemen.

Most. Valuable. Fucking. Player.

Then I'd have to give Scott Rolen and Joey Votto a nod. I don't think it's as clear cut in the NL as it is in the AL.

OK JOE THANKS VERY MUCH FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTION ITS NICE THAT YOU CANT DECIDE BETWEEN 4 OR 5 PLAYERS AND PRETTY MUCH THINK THAT TROY GLAUS IS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS ALBERT PUJOLS K THX FOR THE CHAT!!!!

Tito (Brooklyn): Joe, Ryan Howard said the other day that he hasn't found a consistent groove at the plate yet. What do you think he needs to do to be more consistent?

Tito (Brooklyn) is still amused by this as well....

Joe Morgan: I think he has been a consistent hitter this year. His batting average has been over .290 most of the year. He's struck out fewer times and he's still hitting home runs, though he might not be hitting as many as he wants.

So far, pretty good reply to the JoeBait.....

It seems like people want to down play what he's accomplished. That's amazing to me. This is a guy who has averaged 40+ home runs and driven in well over 100 every year. He's won an MVP and led his team to the World Series the last two years. A first baseman's job is to produce runs. I don't understand why he doesn't get the credit for being the run producer that he is.

Joe's demands are simple. Will SOMEONE in the fucking world take notice of Ryan Howard already???? I, for one, am sick of how overlooked (or is it "robbed?") that Ryan Howard is getting!!!

KC (ATL): It looks like playoff baseball in Philly against the Braves. Can the Braves hold them off over the long haul?

Joe Morgan: The Braves can win, the Phillies can win and the Mets can win.

So, it could be....

1) The Braves
2) The Phillies
3) The Mets

Who else is in the mix?

The Mets are in the mix as well.

4) The Mets

They'll get Beltran back. Watching Santan last night tells me that he's going to pitch well the rest of the season.

Good, yeah, The Mets definitely have a shot. Who else do we need to watch out for?

Don't dismiss the Mets.

5) The Mets

Anyone else?

And if the Phillies can get all of their players back healthy, like Utley and Rollins can get back to his game, they can win.

6) The Phillies

Whew...okay...that has to be all, right?

And the Braves can win.

7) The Braves

It's a 7-horse race in the NL East folks, can't wait to see how it plays out!

It's too early to decide.

8) Too Early to Decide might make a late charge as well.....

Rob (NY): The AL Central is pretty much up for grabs at this point. Who do you think comes away with that division?

Joe Morgan: For a long time I thought it was going to be the Twins. They just have a knack for winning and knowing how to play the game and not making mistakes.

Brennan Boesch and Carlos Guillen are oblivious to the rules of baseball. Also, I nearly jizzed my pants when he said the Twins have a knack for not making mistakes, but was mega-sad when I then discovered that the Twins actually have the fewest errors in the majors.

You have to look at the fact that Joe Mauer has only four home runs. His run production is down and therefore that's going to effect the Twins more than people realize down the stretch.

So Joe Mauer's production through the first week of July is going to "effect" the way the Twins are playing in September.

Huh.

I really think it's going to depend on who makes the right deal at the deadline. If Detroit, Minnesota, Chicago were, to say, get Cliff Lee, then that's the team I would favor.

If, one, of those, teams, would, have go,tten them I would, have to agree.

Rob (NY): Hey joe lets get a LeBron prediction from a fellow beloved ohio ballplayer

Joe Morgan: First of all, I am a HUGE NBA fan.

I think your credibility here is SEVERELY hurt by the fact that you probably also consider yourself a HUGE MLB fan.

But I will say this: I am personally turned off by all of this. In my opinion, if LeBron goes and plays in Miami and Wade and Bosh, then he's throwing his teammates in Cleveland under the bus as if it were their fault that they didn't win in the NBA last year.

LeBron James, 2010 Playoffs: 29.1/9.3/7.6. Yeah, he really sucked it up in Game 5 against Boston, but it's VERY safe to say that Cleveland lost for non-Lebron reasons.

I've always talked with Bill Russell, the greatest champion in team sports,

What?

and he always said it was his duty to make his teammates better. If LeBron goes to Miami, he's saying it wasn't his fault, it was someone else's. I would not want to have that opinion of LeBron.

Then don't.

That didn't make much sense at all, now did it?

If Kobe, LeBron, Wade, Bosh and Dwight Howard all went together, they'd probably win a championship. So, if you can orchestrate who you can play with at the right time, anybody can win a championship.

It sounds like Joe knows EXACTLY as much about the NBA as MLB.

Ryan (PA): Am I the only person who would prefer players from their team not make the All-Star game? I would rather have them have a couple days rest, especially the pitchers from the team I route for.

Joe Morgan: I think you're the only one that thinks that way.

Ouch. Ryan (PA), you just got JoePwned

Players will tell you that when they do not make the all-star team, they prefer the days off. But guess what? If they were selected to the team, they would happily go. Any player, who's a good player and wants to be the best that he can be, wants to play in the all-star game. The all-star game solidifies your place as one of the best players in the game.

Like Omar Infante and Evan Meek.

I wouldn't want to be on a team where players didn't want to be their best.

.....thanks for that.

In this new age it seems that we don't take the all-star game as seriously as we did in the past.

All-Star Game "in the past": Meant nothing, exhibition.
All-Star Game "in this new age": Determines home-field advantage in the World Series, a big deal for any contending team.

[insert sarcastic joke pointing out how clearly wrong Joe is about this]

Blech. That took too long. But I've had fun.

Rain-Abbreviated Sunday Night Baseball Liveblog

Why not? Not a lot else going on right now and the Reds pulled one out today... maybe Joe Morgan can give me some insights on what he plans to do to pull the Reds out of their lousy start to this season.

Looking at the Sunday Night Baseball schedule is, of course, hardly a national sampling of Major League teams. Really, it's just a way to give big-market fans more of a chance to see their team. Seriously, of the 24 teams featured in the first twelve scheduled games, only the Royals could be considered small-market. But that's business for you. On to the baseball!

Jose Reyes comes up in the bottom of the first. He's recently been moved to the #3 slot in the lineup, a move that has generated a lot of conversation:

Morgan: When you move to the third spot, they pitch you differently than if you're in the leadoff spot.
Really? More on this in a moment, but if there's nobody on base and two out, I don't think your approach changes much based on the lineup slot you're facing.
Miller: You sound like you've expereinced this personally, Joe!
Man, Miller sounds like Morgan's stooge here. He's just here to pad Joe's ego.
Morgan: Actually, I have.
Reference to his playing career #1: 7:27 pm CDT.

Bottom of the 2nd and some French guy at the plate:
Miller: Francouer's always been an aggressive hitter, but his mantra this year is "Be aggressive in the strike zone". Jerry Manuel's been working with him in the cage...
Francoeur: [swings wildly at a curveball in the dirt]
Francoeur: [swings wildly at a slider six inches off the outside half]
dan-bob: Maybe Francoeur should work on not being an aggressive hitter at all.

Luis Castillo at the plate in the bottom of the 3rd:
Morgan: When you've got a runner on second and you're hitting third, like I said before, they're gonna pitch you a lot harder than if you're hitting leadoff.
dan-bob: Why don't pitchers pitch them hard all the time?
[Reyes grounds weakly to short]

Well, shit, the rain in New York has prevented this liveblog from going much farther. Now this "ESPN" is nothing but repeats of baseball highlights and Mel Kiper's last glimpse of sunlight before he goes back to his hidden ice-cave for a long winter's nap.

And.... I Already Remember Why ESPN's Baseball Coverage is Often Painful

I've been out of the country for a few weeks, thus my lack of posting. I'll try to get back on track (and probably fail) with a substantial post later this week. In the meantime, I hope you watched the two most important teams in the history of teams, or perhaps the history of history, play a baseball game earlier tonight. There were 100 things wrong about the broadcast, but I only have time right now to write about one of them. Are you ready to nitpick? I thought you might be. Let's nitpick. During the game, play-by-play savant Jon Miller kept referring to Boston's newly acquired third baseman as:

Adrian Bel-TRE (with the emphasis on the "tre" syllable)

If you've paid attention to baseball at all during the last ten years, you know who Beltre is. Started with the Dodgers, had a near-MVP season in his contract year there, signed a big deal with the Mariners, didn't really hit all that well in Seattle, now with the Red Sox. Great glove guy. Not a lot of plate discipline. Decent power. Loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Reese's Puffs. More important than all of those things, though, is that if you've paid attention to baseball during the last ten you know how to pronounce the guy's name. It's BEL-tre. Adrian BEL-tre. With the emphasis on BEL. Since 1997, Jon Miller has been the radio guy for the Giants. Who play in the same division as the Dodgers. Where BELtre played for the first seven seasons of his career. Holy crap, Jon. You've probably said this guy's name like 7,000 times in your life. Why are you saying it like that? I'm sure at least one person over the years has corrected you. Heck, you could always just look it up yourself. Look, it took me 15 seconds to find this. But there it was, all night long. BelTRE. BelTRE with the catch, and the throw to first! BelTRE watches that one, strike two. BelTRE BelTRE BelTRE. Shoot me in the fucking eardrum. How do you screw that up?

Oh, and don't forget, Miller's regular partner in the booth probably can't recite the alphabet, tie his own shoes, or tell you how many teams there are in MLB currently. He also pontificates about clogging up the bases and wants every single guy who ever played a single game for the Big Red Machine in the HOF. He thinks Barry Bonds didn't use steroids and that Gary Sheffield is a great teammate. But he also has something like 12 Emmys for sports broadcasting.

Ah, big time sports media- it's the blind leading the blind. At least we don't have to listen to Billy Packer during March Madness anymore I guess.

Good Old Fashioned Nonsense

Joe Morgan chats!

Joe Morgan: It would be impossible to record black history without recording what baseball has contributed. From the Negro Leagues to Jackie Robinson breaking of the color barrier, baseball has contributed a lot towards our society moving forward together.

Well said, Joe. Let's do this!!!!

David (Florida) Hey Joe!Who do you think is the best improved team this year?

Trying to upstage Joe in "English Language Abuse" right off the bat, eh David? That's bold.

Joe Morgan: I guess you would have to say the Giants in the National League because they have made the most moves. If their moves work out or not, we'll have to wait and see. In the American League I'll say Seattle. On paper both teams did a good job of improving themselves.

The Giants??? The Giants are the most improved because they made the "most" moves? Like, the greatest number of moves? Here is a list of the players that the San Francisco Giants have playing for the major league team who were not in their organization last year:

1) Mark DeRosa
2) Aubrey Huff

Most improved team in the Major Leagues!!! Just look at all those moves!

Re: Seattle. Nice one Joey.

victor ( monroe,la): what are the cubs chances on winning the n.l.central this year?and do you think aramis ramirez will remain in chicago?

Joe Morgan: I think the Cubs chances are pretty good in that they have a lot of talent but they always seem to find a way to under achieve.

Q: Hey Joe, do the Cubs have a good shot?
A: Yes, because they're going to figure out a way to underachieve.

Until they get over that, it's always a mystery to see what they will do.

Until they get over that (underachieving), it's always a mystery to see what they will do (presumably either underachieving or not underachieving). Huh?

I'll handle that one for you Joe. Until they stop underachieving, they'll.....UNDERACHIEVE. Mystery solved!

I especially like their starting pitchers.

Fuck you, Victor. You can't get me to talk about Aramis Ramirez.

Chris Fiegler (Latham,NY): Between Joba Chamberlain & Philip Hughes who do you think will be the 5th starter for the New York Yankees?

Joe Morgan: I think Hughes will be the fifth starter. Chamberlain is a late inning set up man and maybe a future closer.

Phil Hughes, 2009 as starter: 5.45 ERA, 1.50 WHIP
Phil Hughes, 2009 as reliever: 1.40 ERA, 0.86 WHIP

I guess if it ain't broke, break it.

alex (dc): Joe how long till my nats can make a run for a wild card considering the moves we have made

Joe Morgan: I think they defiantly improved their team

Read: they flicked off every agent, player, and rival executive they were in contact with while building their roster.

and they do have some veterans like Ivan Rodriquez that can lead this team.

Lead them where, exactly?

Like everyone else, we're waiting to see what Strasburg can do.

The Wild Card Joe, the QUESTION, man!

I defiantly think they have an improved team this season.

I'm not kidding you. He repeated that, and made the same mistake again.

Q: Hey Joe, how long until the Nats can make a run at the Wild Card?
A: Defiantly Ivan Rodriguez can lead, waiting on Strasburg defiantly.

Dave (Boston): Joe, you were in the majors when Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their statement in the 1968 Olympics. As an athlete, what did that gesture mean to you?

Uh oh, Dave. You just tickled Joe's pleasure senses.

Joe Morgan: That's a great question! What it meant to me is that athletes understood that just because they were athletes that they weren't speared those indignities that other African Americans went through. The reaction by the Olympic Committee showed me that there was prejudice there as well. They kicked them out of the Olympic Village stating that the Olympics were no place for those kinds of political actions. In my opinion, the Olympics have always been a platform for political actions going back to Jesse Owens. Tommie and John have always been and will always be my idols because they stood up for what they believed in.

See what you did, Dave? You just caused the most coherent answer in JoeChat history. Even if he did use the phrase "speared those indignities".

Steve (Washington): Do you think athletes, regardless of color, are vocal enough about societal issues?

Joe Morgan: That's a difficult question for me to answer

pnoles: (::dies of shock::)

because each athlete needs to look inside themselves to see which path they what to take. You're a citizen of this country first and an athlete second. Being an athlete is only a short term job where as being a citizen is a long term job. You have to ask yourself, "do I want to make a difference"?

Steve, I'm sorry. Joe doesn't answer questions that do not directly involve his past.

eamonn (napa, ca): How big an impact do you think Brad Penny will have in the Cardinals rotation this year?

Joe Morgan: The fact that they have Wainwright and Carpenter takes a lot of pressure off of Penny. He's always had the stuff to be a No. 1 pitcher but now all he has to to is be a No. 3 pitcher. Playing with Wainwright and Carpenter will help him.

Yes, now that he's not on the same team as perennial screw-ups like Josh Beckett and Jon Lester, or Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain, or 2008 Derek Lowe and 2008 Chad Billingsley, he'll FINALLY be able to relax and just try to be a #3 pitcher.

Ahhhhh welcome back Joe. You were missed.

Three ESPN Analysts, Three Blithering Idiots

All you have to do if you want to run a shitty blog just like this one is watch ESPN for about an hour a day. I guarantee you at least one of their esteemed employees will cook up a bubbling cauldron of stupid right before your very eyes within that timeframe. To wit, here's what I've collected from some of the highest paid sports analysts in the business in approximately the last 48 hours:

Joe Morgan, on Sunday Night Baseball, after someone goes from first to third on a single:

A few years back we were just sitting around waiting for a three run homer. Now every aspect of the game is important- speed, power, pitching.

Yes, that's right, fans. In case you haven't noticed, baseball has undergone a dramatic shift in strategy since earlier in the decade. In fact it might have been so gradual that you didn't notice. Remember way back when pitching didn't really matter? Teams didn't use it to try to win games, general managers didn't try to acquire it, and hell, fans didn't even talk about it. And yet, here we are in 2009, and I don't think anyone will disagree with what Joe says here: pitching is finally important. Well played, you chubby little mustachioed fool. Well played. You are truly a scholar of the game. Bonus points to Joe for using the lamest "negative thing you can say about the strategy some power-focused teams like to use if you're a purist who likes stolen bases and bunting a lot" available. Indeed, that proverbial three run homer never does show up when teams refuse to "move runners" or "be aggressive on the basepaths," does it? Unless it does, in which case those teams are awarded with three runs; three more than they would have earned by asking Adam Dunn to steal a bag or Manny Ramirez to lay down a bunt.

Also, the glorification of going from first to third might be the stupidest link in a long stupid chain made up of things that are pointlessly celebrated by dumbshits like Joe. You know those scrappy little Angels! When they have a guy on first, and someone singles into the RCF gap, if that guy on first happens to be fast, he often ends up on third. As if this were a risky and innovative baseball strategy that certain teams refuse to employ.

Now we're going to see baseball the way it was meant to be played.

As opposed to 2005 and 2006, during which an iteration of baseball was being played that probably made Abner Doubleday (or whoever the fuck invented it, I don't care what the real story is) roll over in his grave.

Mike Golic, a few hours later on NFL Tonight, talking about some irrelevant topic because it's early July and no one in the league is doing diddley shit for the next two weeks:

What did our coaches say to us back in Little League? I'm going to put the best 11 guys on the field.

Your Little League coach was a real cheater if he tried to employ that strategy. Maybe you're thinking of Pop Warner. Also, the statement itself seems to be substantively wrong. What coach of a young sports team is that cutthroat? I suppose there are teams of 10 year olds out there, run by guys who think they're Bill Cowher and like to tell their kids that only the guys who can make a fucking tackle occasionally are going to fucking get into the goddamn motherfucking game, but they're probably the extreme exception rather than the rule. Mike Golic is a dope. Both Mark Schlereth and him should be permanently assigned to ESPN's national spelling bee coverage team.

Finally, my new favorite ESPN punching bag (aka the Country Fried Emptyscrote), John Kruk, had this to say about an umpire's blown call on a Derek Jeter stolen base attempt (in which Jeter was safe but the ump called him out):

HE SHOULD GO AND APOLOGIZE TO JETER, AND APOLOGIZE TO THE YANKEES, BECAUSE HE BLEW THAT CALL AND OFFERED UP AN EXCUSE THAT WAS BULL.

All caps used to demonstrate his level of frustration with this grave injustice. An umpire making a mistake on a bang-bang slide/tag play? What is the world coming to! Next you'll tell me that the strike zone changes from game to game and even batter to batter. I say if an ump makes a mistake, he should be publicly shamed by being hung in a pillory on top of the home dugout for the rest of the game. That's the only way to keep those fuckers accountable. As things are, they're running amok- blowing a safe/out call at least every twenty or thirty games. What a disaster. Maybe umpires need to take a cue from the teams that are breaking new ground by considering pitching as something important and actually try to get all of their calls right. That's the way baseball was meant to be officiated, right?

Baseball Grab Bag

Or should I say, baseball copout/mail-it-in post. I'm having a little trouble finding full, intact awful articles right now. That doesn't mean there aren't snippets of dumbassery and wrongness floating around though.

------------------
Tuesday on Baseball Tonight, after the cast finishes watching highlights of the Royals' 9-3 dismantling of the Indians-

John Kruk: Can I change my pick to win the AL Cental?
Karl Ravech: Did... did you have the Indians?
Kruk: Yeah. I need to change that.
Karl: Wow, John, that was pretty ballsy of you. (See what he did there?)

OK, Karl didn't really say that last one. That would just be mean. But the first three lines are legit. Really, Kruk? The Indians? I mean, I understand the division doesn't have a clear favorite. But you might not want to go with the team that limped to a .500 finish last year even after getting an unbelievable, certainly unrepeatable performance out of a random usually-crappy pitcher. You might also want to pick a team which can actually play defense, and which has a decent bullpen. Just my thoughts.

----------------------
Earlier tonight, during a discussion about Jackie Robinson's career and accomplishments, the usually-reliable Ravech talked about how Robinson died tragically in a plane crash. No, Karl, pretty much any decent baseball fan knows that was Roberto Clemente. Close, though. (He corrected himself after a commercial break just a few minutes later.)

------------------------
This is extremely old, but since this is a lazy post, I might as well reach all the way back to the weekend. During Sunday Night Baseball everyone's favorite quasi-racist analyst, Joe Morgan (has he mentioned what an undeserved raw deal Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield get from the media recently?) was praising Alfonso Soriano for Soriano's ability to hit home runs. At some point the following tumbled out of his confused mouth:

I mean, even though he's in the leadoff spot, I like his power. He led off the game with a solo home run tonight. That's a run, right there!

That is correct. Good.

I mean, I would rather have that than a run-scoring single when a guy is on second base.

Well, in one case you get a run and the bases are empty. In the other you get a run AND you get another guy on base. So I can totally see why you'd prefer the former. Obviously, Joe's brain is too small to think through and compare those two scenarios. I guess what he was trying to say is that he likes home runs. Can't disagree there! Someone give Joe an ice cream or a box of popcorn or a shiny thing to keep him busy for a while.

---------------------
Our favorite ESPN grit-loving analyst, one Jerry E. Crasnick (the "E" stands for Eckstein, his favorite player of all time) has a new article out about guys you've never heard of who had to scrimp and scrap and grit their way onto major league rosters. Jerry has a little bit of TMQ in him in that regard. Who gives a shit about good players? I want to hear more about shitty players who are just barely teetering on the brink of being employed as professional athletes. Here is a collection of choice snippets from that article.

-According to the Seattle Times, Jakubauskas sold Christmas gifts at Nordstrom and worked for a cement company to pay the bills while playing independent ball. Judging from his performance in the Cactus League, his department store clerking days are history.

Someone get Rick Reilly on this story. This guy doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit!" Except when it comes to quitting his cement company job. Or maybe he's still holding that down to make a couple bucks on the side, who knows?

-"My legs were shaking a little bit," he told Tom Krasovic of The San Diego Union Tribune.

That's what Albert Pujols said, referring to when he- oh wait, no, Albert Pujols has never said that. Only guys who know full well that they shouldn't be in the bigs say this kind of stuff.

-He violated minor league baseball's drug policy with Triple-A Buffalo, and achieved a degree of notoriety as a Rochester Red Wing when he lost a 50-yard match race with that lovable thoroughbred loser, Zippy Chippy.

More fodder for Reilly.

-"He called his dad and his wife, and I had to get away from him because it looked like he was close to tears," manager Dusty Baker told the Dayton Daily News.

How'd this get into the article? Crying isn't gritty.

-He struggled with the elements and had a rough outing defensively in center field. But he went 3-for-9 at the plate in his first five games in Cincinnati, and he's still hanging around.

Not for much longer, because he (I don't care who it is, if he's featured in a Crasnick article he probably sucks) probably sucks.

-It appeared his playing days were over in October 2007 when he severed the thumb and three fingers on his throwing hand in a table saw accident while making a window frame in his garage. A hand specialist reattached the four digits, but not without complications: There was a difference of opinion when Hill insisted he would be ready to play by spring training of 2008, and the doctor tempered his euphoria with some distressing news. "Right before surgery, the doctor told him the tendons near his pinkie finger might be a problem and delay his return," said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. "So Koyie told him, 'If you get in there and that's an issue, just cut the pinkie off. I can play without it.' True story."

His pain threshold is also off the charts.

He should be well suited for MMA fighting then. Oh, what's that? He's a baseball player? Hmm, that probably won't do much for him.

-In eight big league seasons, Miller has established himself as a walking Jayson Stark blog item for his ineptitude with a bat. The nadir came from 2004 through 2006, when he endured a 1-for-55 funk with Cincinnati, Minnesota and Boston. For those keeping score at home, that's a batting average of .018.

For those keeping score at home, here's a guy who almost definitely has no place playing major league baseball.

-But all the starters are right-handed and he's a lefty, so manager Ken Macha should find a way to work him in here and there.

Ah, the essence of the subjects of this article- their ceiling is to play occasionally, possibly because of a lineup idosyncracy.

--------------------
Finally, I thought this was pretty hilarious. Jayson Stark writes a somewhat entertaining column throughout the baseball season called "Useless Information." It's a collection of just that, all kinds of weird stats and factoids (based on events that happened in games during the previous week or so) you'd never know how to find on your own. So naturally this week, re: the Dodgers' Orlando Hudson, and the cycle he recently hit for by the 6th inning:

But the only cyclist we know of who completed his cycle any faster than that was Gregg Jefferies, who went cycling by the fifth inning on Aug. 25, 1995. (Andy Van Slyke's great quip after that game: "He could have done it twice. He could have had the bi-cycle.")

But here's our question: Was Jefferies the quickest cyclist in history? If you can help, let us know at uselessinfodept@yahoo.com.

Dude. You're the one writing the column, who presumably has access to a stats department and at least a couple of interns. I'm going to leave this one to you.

And of course, watch me look like an ass when next week's column features twelve diligent readers who did the research and wrote in to help Jayson out with his question.

OK, that's all for now, I'll be less lazy next time! Maybe! I hate to beg for tips, but if you've got 'em, send 'em. Also, if anyone knows where the other guys who write for this blog are, let them know that I could use a hand around here every fucking other week or so.

It's Been a Long, Cold Winter

But Joe Morgan is finally back in the saddle. Tonight, Braves/Phillies. Discussion re: Phils manager Charlie Manuel. Your thoughts about his ability to interact with his players, Joe?

Charlie Manuel doesn't manage X's and O's. He manages players.

Where the fuck are there X's and O's in baseball? Yeah, you know, when Joe Torre draws up a play in the huddle, he definitely uses them. Same with most managers. Not Charlie I guess. Good for him.

Special thanks to FireJay sometimes-reader Jon.

Also: BASEBALL BASEBALL BASEBALL BASEBALL BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!! BASEBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Welcome to U.S. Cellular Field. Home of Your.....JOE MORGAN

Yep, it's another Sunday night LiveBlog! Larry is on his way over, and already caught a really awful Joe-ism. (I was watching V for Vendetta at the time, thinking the start of the game was going to be delayed a little bit. Underrated movie, I tell ya.)

I'm going to keep my stuff in this typeface. Larry's will be in italics.

Anyway, on to Rogers v Danks! We'll talk later after Joe's stupidity manifests itself (estimated time 3 minutes).

Quotes as close as possible. No DVR here yet.

Here's a couple of pre-broadcast bits from Larry B.

Opening scene of the broadcast: a wide screen shot of US Cellular. The national anthem is playing in the background. No audio from Jon or Joe. After about 15 seconds of silence on their part: Jon: "Hello! We're on the South Si-" He stops abruptly, and remains silent for 10 more seconds. Then: "Hello! We're on the South Side of Chicago!"

Off to a flying start.

Joe talks about all the threats in the Tiger lineup, and concludes:

"So it's not easy to beat the Tigers, although over the course of this season it appears that way, it hasn't been."

So I guess a lot of teams have been working extra super hard to beat the Tigers and keep them 7 games under .500, then, huh?

Edit: Bottom of 1st:

Joe Morgan: Thome just muscled that ball into right-center for a single, whereas most guys would have had a broken bat.

Correct me if I'm wrong (and I might be), but if you swing hard, don't you stand a greater chance of breaking your bat given the same point of contact?

Edit: After reading this, I feel better. I'm pretty sure Joey's wrong on this one.

Edit: Top of 3rd:

This was fun.

Joe Morgan: [Alexei Ramirez] has played his way back into Rookie of the Year consideration with the way he's played in this pennant....winning....situation

What?

Joe Morgan: (comparing Ramirez to Evan Longoria) He's been here all year, while Longoria wasn't there at the beginning or with his recent injury...

According to Baseball Prospectus's latest updated stats pages, both have exactly 441 plate appearances. Isn't that Joe-negatingly beautiful?

One's a power hitter, one's a.....second baseman...

wafij;oslekjfakwef'law;flasfk;laweask;lfasfd

Now there's two mutually exclusive categories if I've ever seen 'em. Ask Chase Utley if that one holds true.

Edit: Bottom of 3rd, Larry B finally here and chiming in.

"Well, you know what Yogi said, 'It ain't over til it's over.' I mean, it might look like it's over for the Yankees, but it's not over yet."

ESPN's Yankees playoff odds: Rays: 99.8% Red Sox: 99.7% Blue Jays: 0.2% Yankees 0.1%

It's over, man.

Edit: Bottom of the 3rd

Jon Miller: It used to be the new Comiskey, now it's U.S. Cellular Field. Try saying that 3 times fast!

Joe Morgan: ...That's ok.

So is "U.S. Cellular Field" tough to say fast now? That's hilarious. And in the process, we've uncovered Joe's childhood fear of tongue-twisters.

Edit: Top of 4th, Larry is on a roll here.

Joe: I always used to say, back when i was in high school, if it's a full moon, and you're out with your date, it's a good thing.

I think Joe is referring to werewolves.

Edit: Top of 4th. Marcus Thames, a notorious hard swinger and muscleman, just shattered his bat in a soft fielder's choice.

But Jim Thome would have muscled it into the outfield for a hit. I'm 100% sure.

Side note: If Progressive Auto Insurance doesn't take those Kathy Griffin commercials off the air, I am going to stop watching TV and move to the Yukon.

Edit: Bottom of 4th.

Joe Morgan: (on the Phillies) The difference obviously is Ryan Howard. When he hits, the entire lineup seems to hit. When he struggles, the entire lineup seems to struggle.

Phillies, April 18-May 20. Record: 17-14. Ryan Howard's OPS: .614.

August 7-August 25. Record: 10-8. Howard's OPS: .492.

Am I cherry picking? Of course. Who's going to stop me? But seriously, I think this makes it a whole lot less obvious as to the magnitude Howard's contributions have on Philly's success. I think what Joe meant to say is that Howard is African-American, so therefore he's awesome. (See: Sheffield, Gary and Joe's well established track record of gladhanding him.)

Edit: Bottom of the 5th.

After Joe Morgan gushed for like an hour about Rogers needing to throw the high fastball, Alexei Ramirez slapped said high fastball into center for a single. Isn't life beautiful?

Joe Morgan: Mr. October... It was a misnomer. People think he was named that just because of those three home runs he hit, but he was always good in the playoffs.

So when you say "misnomer," (a word I'm shocked he knows in the first place), you actually mean, "appropriate nickname." Joe's mastery of the English language continues to inspire viewers across America.

Side note: Did any of you guys this is the last season for Yankee Stadium? Because I sure didn't. I LOVE YOU ESPN ZOMG MWAH!

Edit: Bottom of 7th

Joe has either fallen asleep, wandered away, or is on the can. Again. Whatever old-people bowel problems Joe seems to have every Sunday night, they seem to not affect Jon Miller.

Scary thought: What if Joe had to step in as the play-by-play guy for a half inning?

Bottom of 8th, Tigers have scored 7 unanswered to tie the game.

Joe Morgan: They're not used to blowing 7 run leads either. They tried outscoring them by 7 runs, but that didn't work, so now they're going to try to score one more run.

Apparently, all attempts to remove one of the Tigers' runs have failed!

Steve Phillips just announced that because of a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano, the Cubs are now the team to beat in the National League. Thanks, Steve.

Larry B and pnoles out.

Sunday Night Baseball Liveblog #2: Joe Morgan Likes Manny Ramirez... A Lot

PNoles and I are watching the game again tonight. Should be a real bundle of laughs.

7:14 CST: I just turned on the game, like 45 seconds ago, and Joe has already praised Joe Torre for calling a hit and run with Manny Ramirez on first and James Loney at the plate. He mentioned that if the Dodgers want to make the playoffs, they're going to need to do more of that and stop "waiting around for the home run." Sending Manny Ramirez: pretty much asking for an out. (Too bad it worked and Loney managed to slap a single through the left side. Bah humbug.)

7:21 CST: Casey Blake clubs a 3 run bomb on a pitch that K Zone shows as being about three inches above the knees. Joe insists that it was "up in the zone... for a sinkerballer." Maybe he missed his location and wanted it to sink out of the zone, but buddy, it doesn't matter what kind of pitcher you are. Three inches above the knees is three inches above the knees.

7:22 CST: Jon Miller praises Blake for "coming through in the clutch!" I don't know how clutch you can possibly be in the top of the first, but I guess whatever the upper limit of that categorization is, Blake hit it.

7:31 CST: Stephen Drew gets thrown out trying to steal second. Joe does not approve. Well, which is it, Joe? You don't want them to wait around for the three run bomb, do you? (Actually, Joe's probably right here. It's just funny to hear him not approve of a SB attempt, regardless of context.)

7:35 CST: Joe's analysis re: Brandon Webb's struggles: "Make no mistake about it... when you're going for your 20th win, a lot of things go through your mind. Especially in this day and age, when so few guys get there." I'm awarding him zero points for this one.

7:40 CST: According to Joe, the name of the Diamondbacks' starting pitcher is actually Brandon Wells.

7:47 CST: Joe, re: the Brewers' petitioning of the league to change the scoring of the Pirates' only hit in today's game to give C.C. Sabathia a no hitter: "I've always thought it was in the rulebook, from back in my umpiring days, that the first hit had to be a clean hit."

1) Can you imagine how awful Joe would be as an umpire, what with his complete inability to make tough decisions?
2) That's not in the rulebook.

7:55 CST: Jon praises Casey Blake for squibbing a grounder past Webb (Wells?), allowing Matt Kemp to advance from 2nd to 3rd. He calls it good "situational hitting, to get the ball past the pitcher like that!" Call my crazy, but I don't think there's a situation in the whole game of baseball where your goal ISN'T to hit the ball past (or away from, in the case of bunting) the pitcher.

8:04 CST: Joe is sure that acquiring David Eckstein will help the Diamondbacks because they "need a little more leadership on the field." Hopefully they also need more mediocre defense and poor hitting, because Lil' Eck will be bringing those to Phoenix as well.

8:13 CST: OK, guys. Webb isn't keeping his sinker down in the zone and Lowe is. We get it. You can only talk about that for so many straight half-innings (going on five at this point) before it gets stale.

8:17 CST: Joe, re: Andre Ethier's RBI double with 2 strikes: "Well, with two strikes, he changes his mindset and just wants to drive the run in." What was his mindset before he had 2 strikes? Try not to drive the run in? Foul off as many pitches as possible? Check out the hot girl sitting behind the dugout?

8:26 CST: And Webb is out of the game. Earlier today, the front page headline on espn.com was his picture, with the headline "Oh, What a Webb!" Any guesses about that one? Anybody? Is it a play on that oldies hit "Oh, What a Night?" What am I missing here?

8:33 CST: Jon has a theory as to why Joe Torre is such an effective manager: "He has the ability to phrase something, and not make it sound like a cliche!" (I use an exclamation mark because Jon always sounds like he's excited about everything.) If it even exists, I'm not sure that ability is more or less important to a manager's ability level than filling out a lineup card. We'll call it a push for now.

8:50 CST: PNoles's apartment has several visitors in it right now, so I'm having trouble hearing Jon and Joe over the awful racket going on in here. It is helping me enjoy the game a lot more, though. Every cloud has a silver lining.

8:57 CST: Going back to the Eckstein trade: how the hell did he clear waivers? The whole AL let him get away? Really? Haven't these teams ever heard of winning?

8:59 CST: Since I'm grasping at straws here, I might as well offer commentary on the commercials. I kind of enjoy these Mike's Hard Lemonade spots that are obviously ripping off Tommy Boy, but what demographic are they going after? There can't be a huge overlap between Chris Farley fans and sugary malt beverage drinkers.

9:05 CST: Speaking of how excited Jon gets when pretty much anything happens, Tony Clark just missed a catch in foul ground during an 8-0 game. "HE DROPPED IT! HE HAD IT, AND IT BOUNCED OUT!" Easy, tiger. Easy now.

9:12 CST: As the third out is recorded in the top of the 6th, Joe reveals that he'll be pressing Jon for Jon's MVP and Cy Young picks during the next half inning. Hopefully Joe is willing to give his own opinions as well- I'm already getting tingly thinking about the possibilities.

9:15 CST: Obviously Jon has his finger squarely on the pulse of pop culture; after a brief K Zone montage of Lowe's sinker tonight, he manages to funkily blurt out "Derek Lowe, 'get down' tonight!" Hopefully Kool and the Gang will be visiting the booth later in the evening.

9:19 CST: Joe finally settles the age-old debate about the relative levels of passion for baseball expressed by fans on America's two coasts. "A lot of people say people on the east coast care more about baseball. But I'm a west coast kind of guy! I really think the guys in Los Angeles... the fans in San Francisco... I think fans on the west coast really care about baseball too." Good to have that all cleared up.

9:27 CST: Jon has told Joe to back off the end-of-the-year award questions. Oh nooooo!

9:28 CST: Wait, wait, wait, wait.... whoa. We're back on topic. Jon says some wishy washy crap about the Cubs' whole lineup. Joe then takes the reins. He helpfully reminds us that we won't know until the season is over (thanks a lot), but then reveals his dark horse candidate: Carlos Delgado. His OPS+: 122. Pujols' OPS+ (not that I'm saying he's necessarily the best pick, just that he's one of many potential better picks): 191. Cue up the laugh track.

9:41 CST: Jon and Joe discuss NL Cy Young candidates without saying anything especially dumb. Of course, Joe was quick to point out that many guys have had excellent seasons. As opposed to 2007, when one and only one guy had an excellent season.

9:44 CST: I am shocked MLB didn't bring Dane Cook back for their playoff promos. Why not? Part of advertising is getting people to remember your message, and I don't think Dane could possibly have done a better job in that capacity. Everyone say it with me: there are only how many Octobers?

9:58 CST: I just realized, we didn't have any Joe-less half innings tonight. Either he's holding it, or tonight he managed to take his bathroom break(s) during a commercial break(s).

10:01 CST: Joe and Jon wax poetically about the alleged HOF credentials of one Maury Wills. The comedy of this doesn't really need to be expanded upon much: let's just leave it at his career OPS+ of 88. Although, I have to say I'm surprised that Joe would be in his corner. It's not like Wills was part of the Big Red Machine.

10:11 CST: Sorry, I kind of tapered off at the end there. That's enough nerdery for tonight. We'll be back next Sunday as Joe and Jon continue their elaborate dance of idiocy. Remember, as unfunny as I am, at least I have two working eyes! (I really wanted to end on a high note, and taking a shot at Stu Scott seemed like the way to do it.)

LiveBlog!

Good evening folks! Larry B will be over shortly, and we'll be liveblogging Sunday Night Baseball. I know it's already the middle of the 3rd inning, but we've gotta start somewhere. Nothing just yet, so enjoy Jack M's post below while we supplement this intro with loads of stupidity that we'll surely hear over the next 6-6.5 innings. Get excited!

All these quotes are obviously as close as possible.

EDIT: Top of the 4th

Jon Miller: (on the Diamondbacks) Well they'd be 12 games behind the Cubs if they had that record in the Central Division

Joe Morgan: (laughing) Well maybe that record would be even better because they wouldn't have to play all the tough teams in the West so much!

...

You know what? Everyone reading this blog already knows exactly why this is such a stupid thing to say. But you know what? I don't fucking care! This is happening anyway.

NL West Winning Percentages, non-Diamondbacks:

.504
.462
.446
.369

AL Central Winning Percentages

.615
.580
.553
.508
.438
.435

Fine. Get out of the insanely tough NL West as soon as possible, DBacks. Must be tough seeing things like Kevin Correia and Cha Seung Baek more than other teams.

(I did not mistype. Kevin Correia and Cha Seung Baek are not pitchers. They are things.)

EDIT, still top of 4th

Jon Miller: It would be hard to imagine Jeff Kent not making the Hall of Fame.

Really Jon? That's your idea of a slam-dunk Hall of Famer?

He has the 2nd best projected career of all the 2nd basemen playing in this game.

EDIT: Bottom of the 5th

Emmy Award Winning Analysis:

Joe Morgan: Good piece of hitting by Utley, who is certainly a good hitter.

EDIT: Bottom of the 5th

(On Geovany Soto's dark-horse MVP candidacy)

Joe Morgan: People are going to toss his name around because he plays for the Cubs, who don't have any one outstanding player.....that's why they're such a good team

Reason Yankees suck: Too much Alex Rodriguez
Reason Indians suck: Too much Cliff Lee
Reason Cardinals suck: Too much Albert Pujols

I've gotta say, Joey. This is holding water.

So far this season, Evan Longoria has been the most valuable Ray. But the Rays need to be careful that he doesn't get toooooo much better than everyone else on that team....else they're gonna plummet in the standings.

EDIT: Bottom of the 6th

We're in and out of the bottom of the 6th inning, and Joe didn't say a word. Larry and I are positive that he's in the can.....

EDIT: Top of the 7th

(J.C. Romero tries a pretty deceptive pickoff throw to nab Juan Pierre at 1st base)

Joe Morgan: And that's useful, because it prevents the runner from getting a big lead

larry b: Most pickoff moves are there strictly to entertain the umpires and paid attendance. Romero's, however, is there to limit a baserunner's lead.

EDIT: Top of the 7th

J.C. Romero has just picked Juan Pierre off of 1st base. I guess we should just dismantle this blog.

EDIT: Top of the 7th

Jeff Kent just knocked in the go-ahead run. We're actually going to sell our URL to some carpet salesmen from Morocco.

EDIT: Bottom of the 7th

From the Dept. of "Really??"

Jon Miller: Both teams have an incentive to win this game.

Ya don't say, Gramps.

Joe Morgan: It kind of seems like we have a long way to go, but we do not. It kinda goes quickly here at the end

larry b: Everybody knows that September is a much shorter month than April.

pnoles: Shut up Larry. You're a mean, sarcastic meanie.

EDIT: Top of the 8th inning

Ryan Howard makes a routine catch in foul territory (he made a much better one in the 6th).

Joe Morgan: Not many first basemen have that kind of range.

Oh boy. A compliment to Ryan Howard's defense. This is playing with hot coals, Joe, so careful with how you proceed.

Joe Morgan: He's never been a Gold Glover, but he can help you out in other ways,

larry b: Like hitting 40+ HR and just being an awesome hitter?

like chasing those balls down the right field line.

Oh.

"Ryan Howard has never been the best fielder at his position, but he can help you out in other ways, like fielding."

There's only so much Joe you can listen to in one night. Larry and I are calling it quits here after the 10th. We'll see you next Sunday.

Ironic Irony

I'm sure a lot of you out there were already familiar with this, but I just stumbled across it this weekend. Why, look at that... who's that handsome, mustachioed devil on the cover of "Baseball For Dummies?" I think I'm going to label this as a punchline that writes itself. In fact, it falls so deeply into that category that I'm not even going to let the damn thing write itself. Nothing at all needs to be said about the following image.

Hey Chris

Maybe if you actually read my posts in their entirety you'd know when to not expect anything from me. Anyways-

1. Sportscenter is obviously the most important TV show in the history of, well, sports. Yet its recent transition from comprehensive highlight show to ABC cross promotional tool was so subtle that many undiscerning viewers might have missed it. Actually, scratch that- pretty much anyone whose head is not being stored inside their ass probably noticed. It's just really sad that a 90 minute Sunday night edition of the show doesn't include highlights from every baseball game played that day, but does include a 6 minute Sunday Conversation with Jason Taylor which focuses primarily on his "Dancing With the Stars" appearance. Way to know your audience, idiots. I'm sure there's a real significant demographic overlap between the kind of person who watches Sportscenter and the kind of person who might be interested in a celebrity dancing show. Slightly more interestingly, but causing just as much frustration for those of us who didn't get to see our baseball team's highlights from the night before, was the 6 minute segment on the resurgence of Rollerderby. How'd that make the cut? My guess is that ABC is about to buy the rights to some Rollerderbies and start airing them on Friday nights or something. Stay tuned for that. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2. This is a little bit late, but work with me here- did anyone watch the Sunday Night Baseball telecast featuring the Yankees and Mets? Two gems in there, neither of which I have verbatim transcripts for, but both of which are worth complaining about-

a) In the top of the 4th, the Mets' Carlos Delgado hit an opposite field home run just a couple inches over the left field fence and off the very base of the foul pole. The third base umpire originally got the call right, then conferenced with his colleagues and incorrectly changed it. That's not the real story, however. The real story involves both Joe Morgan and Jon Miller (bless his Joe Morgan-dealing-with soul) spending a good 15 minutes watching replays from a couple camera angles and then concluding that the foul pole was actually installed incorrectly, i.e. not in alignment with the foul line. They were shocked that in one of baseball's oldest and most historic parks, a massive mistake like that could have slipped through the cracks for so many years! The comedy here being, of course, that there is no mistake. Just like in baseball's 29 other parks, the foul poles at Yankee Stadium line up correctly with the foul lines. You fucking dummies. Looking at a camera angle aimed straight down the third base line later on in the game allowed the guys to realize that fact and amend their statements. Still pretty hilarious in the moment, though.

b) At one point, in order to analyze a taken pitch's location, Joe (or Joe's producer, bless his Joe Morgan-dealing-with soul) decided to bring up ESPN's "K Zone" feature. He explained why K Zone is helpful to any fans who might not be familiar with it, and that explanation went something like this:

So now let's got to K Zone to see where that pitch ended up. The reason we need K Zone is because the camera angle you watch the game on doesn't actually come from directly behind the pitcher. It's kind of off to the side a little bit, so you can't really trust what you see from that angle. The reason we have to show you the pitches from that angle is because if we put a camera right behind the pitcher, you wouldn't be able to see the catcher's target or the strike zone! So that's why we have K Zone.

Ohhhhh.... is that how the placement of objects in 3 dimensional space works? Thanks Joe. If I'm in the neighborhood, I'll be sure to drop in for your guest lecture on physics at MIT. Also, it doesn't really need to be said, but K Zone is a joke.

3. You know what Gregg Easterbrook said about the Patriots in this piece has to be dumb if my response to it amounts to a quasi-defense of the Patriots. (The article as a whole isn't terrible at all, and makes some good points, but this particular one stinks on ice.)

"Cheaters! Cheaters!" the crowd at Radio City Music Hall chanted when New England's name went on the clock at last month's draft. "Cheaters! Cheaters!" crowds will chant next fall when New England takes the field, if the cheater Belichick is still running the show. The way to stop that, and bring Spygate to a close, is to suspend the person responsible. The $500,000 fine assessed against Belichick is a token sanction at his income level. The draft choice fine against the Patriots penalizes mainly the team's fans, who are not responsible for what happened.

Saying that voiding a draft choice primarily punishes a team's fans is like claiming when a business is broken into and robbed, it primarily punishes their regular customers. Are the fans very disappointed about that situation? Undoubtedly. Are they being punished harder than, you know, the team itself? Of fucking course fucking not. That ruling hit the team hard, and definitely changed their offseason plans significantly. Even for Easterbrook, this is horrifically dumb.

OK... sorry about the pu-pu platter... but at least you got a post centered around something besides photoshopping a 20 year old video game.