Don't let the door hit you in the lazy, self-plagiarizing ass on your way out. May your next job, if there is one, be for a much less prominent company than ESPN.
One last time, Rick's proudest moment at the World Wide Leader. His shittiness and ESPN's shittiness couldn't possibly be better distilled into a five second moment than they are here.
Fuck Rick Reilly. That is all.
As the whole world of sports loses its damn mind over PEDS IN BASEBALL ZOMG THINK OF THE CHILDREN, blissfully ignoring the fact that at least half the NFL is on horse steroids, I lurch towards the end of this pathetic Simmons article so as to free up the rest of the week to laugh at idiotic articles about how Fish Fillet-Rod should be thrown in jail for life. Simmons wrote a new godfrigginawful article as well, so I'll get around to that eventually too. Eventually. We're right in the long, slow lazy days of summer here at FireJay, when I post just as infrequently as I do during any other time of the year.
9. Delay Kobe's return for as long as possible.
I'm not gonna lie — this is the shakiest part of my rehab plan.
Such self-awareness! This is like someone telling you their plan to rob Fort Knox, and then admitting that the part where their escape depends on the use of a magic teleporter that hasn't yet been invented is pretty shaky.
Too many people have said publicly that (a) Kobe can't return in less than 10 months from that torn Achilles, and (b) even if he DOES come back, he'll never be the same. He's one of the 10 most competitive people alive. He's not going down like this. He's just not.
I like how over the years Bill has been forced to admit that Kobe is actually good at basketball. He even begrudgingly says things like "He's very competitive" and "I suppose he's a top 50 all time player" and "If I played him one on one, he'd beat me like 11-4."
I'd believe anything about Kobe's summer rehab process. He's sleeping in a hyperbaric healing chamber underneath a pile of broken deer antlers?
HE'S TOTALLY ON STEROIDS HE WENT TO GERMANY LOLOLOL 6 FOR 24
Absolutely. He's on a beach right now running wind sprints against Carl Weathers? Sure. He figured out a way to steal hemoglobin from his daughters, then have that hemoglobin injected right into his healing Achilles, but this procedure is only legal in Austria so he's been flying there twice a week? You can't rule it out.
Seems like a good time to remind MLB sample collectors across the country that my promise to donate $1,000 to the Red Cross if Jeter fails a steroid test by October is still on the table.
Kobe cares about two things right now: Ring No. 6, and Kareem's record. In that order.
More very reluctant praise: "I SUPPOSE it's possible that he puts his team's accomplishments ahead of his selfish desire to hold an important individual record. MAYBE."
We could talk him into playing for a historically lousy Lakers team for one season if Ring No. 6 (and maybe LeBron) was the carrot dangling on the other end. But giving up a chance at Kareem's record? That's a tougher ask.
What the fuck? "A sixth ring is the most important goal to him, ahead of breaking the scoring record. He just might be persuaded to not rush back if staying out helped ensure that he gets that ring. However, asking him to sit out and miss all those games is going to be very hard, because it's going to be really tough to convince him that a shot at the sixth ring is more important than the scoring title."
Our all-time scoring leaders right now …
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: 38,387 points
Karl Malone: 36,928 points
Michael Jordan: 32,292 points
Kobe Bryant: 31,617 points
Fun trivia: who is number 5 on that list? Trick question, there is no fifth all time leading scorer in NBA history, that spot in the record books is forever reserved for Len Bias. NEVER FORGET
So he's 6,770 points away. To put that in perspective, he scored 2,133 points in 78 games last season before his Achilles ripped. This is doable … you know, assuming he recovers from that devastating leg injury. I bet we see him sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Noted.
Please stop having conversations with yourself, negotiating trades against yourself and writing fake mailbag letters to yourself.
10. When Kobe comes back, allow him to hog the ball to alarming degrees.
NOT THAT THAT WILL BE DIFFICULT, HE'S THE MOST SELFISH SELFER TO EVER SELF, WHAT WITH HIS CAREER 4.8 APG.
Wait until he's fully healed. And when he comes back (to what you're hoping will be a 0-12 team), here's what you tell him …
Kobe, remember your ball-hogging binge in 2006 when you averaged 27.2 field goal attempts and 10.2 free throws a game because we didn't have anything else? Now we REALLY don't have anything else. We just gutted our team. Other than watching Bieber lapse in and out of consciousness in Jack's seat, Sasha and Jordan high-fiving, and Big Shot Rob cramming himself into a Lakers jersey, your scoring binges will be the only thing that keeps this godforsaken season even remotely interesting. Go for the scoring title. Play 70 games to qualify for the scoring title, then try to average 37 a game. Only Wilt and MJ have ever done it. More importantly, that's about 2,200 points in the bank. You'll pass MJ and move within 4,600 of Kareem. Shoot every time. We don't care.
You know what? I don't have any snark for that. If the Lakers actually did trade Gasol and Nash, Kobe would probably demand a trade of his own. But if they refused to give it to him and he eventually backed down and agreed to play out the season, you could tell him that and that's probably exactly what he'd do. It actually makes sense. And hopefully he would fail miserably and embarrass himself on a regular basis throughout the season, because let's face it, as much as I like the idea of Kobe pissing off Bill, fuck Kobe Bryant, he's an asshole.
You know what the best part of that plan is? Kobe's quest to score 40 every night will inadvertently become one of the more entertaining subplots of the 2013-14 season.
You obviously don't know what "inadvertently" means. You also obviously don't have a brain, if you think "Kobe trying to score 40 every night" is something that would be an under-the-radar story. ESPN would flip its shit, they'd buy broadcast rights to every single Lakers game from Time Warner or whoever has them now.
I'd flip over to every Lakers game just to see how many points he had. So would you.
WHOA HE'S TOTALLY RIGHT, HE KNOWS ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF, I SHOULD WRITE HIM A MAILBAG EMAIL AND TELL HIM THAT
And after the regular season ended and Kobe won another scoring title, Lakers fans could spend May and June rooting against Miami, sweating out the lottery and watching DraftExpress YouTube clips. Of course, they'd still be hoping that Jimmy Buss hired the right coach, made the right lottery pick, lured LeBron, kept Kobe and spent $60 million in cap space in the best possible way … while deep down fearing that this moment might be coming.
[Tommy Boy clip goes here, because it's hilarious to compare sports executives from 2013 with movie characters from 1995]
Removing all the hypotheticals, what will the Lakers ACTUALLY do? Nothing I just laid out — that's why I didn't mind laying it out.
THE VP OF CAWMAWN SENSE HAS SPOKEN! IF THE LAKAHS DON'T WANT TO ENACT MY PLAN OF RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT, THAT'S THEY-AH MISTAKE!
See, you need a strong owner or a front-office voice to execute a long-term plan — like what Miami had with Pat Riley and Micky Arison four years ago. These Lakers don't have that voice. Kobe will convince them to compete next season because he's nearing the end of his career, and he wants to shove it in Dwight Howard's face, and he probably believes that he and Pau can still battle anyone on any given night. That's what makes him Kobe. And that's why I didn't mind trying to "save" the Lakers. I know they won't do the right thing.
Oh Jesus Lord in heaven, he's still talking about it like this is a real plan that could actually be used by a real life NBA team.
You know who they SHOULD be emulating, actually?
I teased this more than a week ago, so no apology needed if you forgot, but what do you think he's going to say?
...
...
...
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My beloved Celtics.
Yeah, I didn't need to put in those line breaks. You already knew what was coming. And may they never win another game so long as they exist. May their fans all catch hepatitis.
In the span of five weeks, Boston mortally wounded next year's team by dealing Garnett and Pierce (improving their Riggin' for Wiggins chances);
Any time you have the chance to get 25% odds of drafting a guy who might be the next LeBron or might be the next Kwame Brown, you have to take it.
turned the roster over to Brad Stevens (the perfect guy for a rebuild);
After losing one of the best coaches in the NBA, just turn your team over to a young NCAA coach, then plan the parade route.
stockpiled nine first-rounders over the next five years (along with the right to swap first-rounders with Brooklyn in 2017);
Next year they have the Hawks' (maybe near the end of the lottery) and Nets' (somewhere in the 20s) picks. In 2015 they have the Clippers' pick (somewhere in the 20s). In 2016 and 2018 they again have the Nets' pick (the Nets might actually suck by then, so yeah, they could have a shot at a kid who is currently a sophomore in high school). GET EXCITED, C'S FANS.
and set themselves up to flagrantly stink (with the inevitable Rondo trade being the final piece).
Rondo is a piece of shit--whatever he could do that would give the Celtics the least return on him, I hope he does it.
That's a team that knows who it is, and where it is, and where it needs to be.
OW-UH TEAM'S HALF-ASSED PLAN TO BE GOOD IN 2017 IS BETTAH THAN YO-AH TEAM'S HALF-ASSED PLAN TO BE GOOD IN 2017!
Can you say the same about the Lakers? My gut feeling is no … and that in April, we'll be watching Kobe and Pau fighting for a no. 8 seed. Just know that this sounds great to me.
What an asshole. I'll start on his latest some time over the weekend.
Celizic wrote again. I continue to wonder what anyone ever saw in this guy.
Time for Manny, Torre to earn their keep
As the Dodgers struggle, focus should be on star, manager
You could focus on how Raffy Furcal shit the bed this year, or how someone sapped Russell Martin's power. You could focus on the fact that the first baseman can't slug his way out of a paper bag, or the fact that injuries have dilapidated the rotation to the point where knucklejunkit Chuck Haeger made a start (and will make another today) for arguably the best team in baseball. You could look at a little bad luck, or the fact that their "decline" is more rooted in how hot the Colorado Rockies are than how less-than-good the Dodgers are playing.
But you can ABSOLUTELY NOT focus on a guy who doesn't play for the team, or THE FUCKING STAR LEFT FIELDER HITTING .306/.424/.536. Remember these slash stats. You will be seeing them many times in this post.
When the Dodgers opened the vault to hire Joe Torre, it was because of his ability to manage teams under playoff stress. And when they dug deep to sign Manny Ramirez, it was because of his ability to drag a team into the playoffs by his dreadlocks.
Which he is failing miserably at to the tune of .306/.424/.536.
This would be a good time for both to live up to their reputation: Torre as the unflappable leader whose teams never panic, even when they can’t buy a win; Manny as one of baseball’s most reliable RBI machines.
The Dodgers are 6-4 in their last 10....they can't BUY a win.
And Manny sucks too. .306/.424/.536.
Nobody’s blaming Torre for what could be a memorable collapse should the Rockies continue their torrid pace and the Dodgers fail to remember how to win. At least not in Los Angeles, they aren’t.
The Dodgers are 12-14 this month. Vulnerable, but saying that they "forgot how to win", is insane. Most very good teams have at least one month like this.
And so the blame for the Dodger doldrums is falling squarely on the shoulders of Manny.
Ex....cuse me? You're pointing the finger at the best offensive player on the team, (who, might I add, is hitting .306/.424/.536)?
Normally, calling one player on the carpet for a team’s problems is too simplistic. But in this case, it’s not.
Mike Celizic has thoroughly analyzed the performances of everyone on the roster and has come to the conclusion that Manny Ramirez is the problem. He tried several different methods, and all of them output that Manny is the problem. I'm serious.
...
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Naw, I'm kidding. He just figured out his batting average since the All-Star break and cited some freakish RBI stats.
If Manny were even half the player he was last year, the Dodgers would be comfortably in first place
1) The Dodgers are (sort of) comfortably in first place.
2) You're blaming Manny for not repeating one of the best two-month performances of all-time.
3) .306/.424/.536
and I’d probably be writing yet another column about the — groan! — AL East.
At least you recognize what a fuckstick you are about your writing topics.
At this time last year, Manny was as awesome a force as you’ll see. After arriving from Boston, he averaged an RBI a game and dragged L.A. into the playoffs.
Yes. This, Mike Celizic, is not what we in the baseball world called "normal". We call this superhumanly clutch, or fluketasticly spectacular. No one in the world can do that on a monthly basis.
He signed a short but sweet contract in the spring, took nearly two months off early in the season to serve a suspension for violating the league’s drug policy, came back with his signature dreads longer than ever, and then disappeared.
It's true. Ask opposing pitchers whether they noticed the guy hitting .306/.424/.536. Nowhere to be seen.
Brett Favre was better down the stretch for the Jets last year than Manny has been in August for L.A. John Smoltz wasn’t as bad for the Red Sox this year than Manny has been for the Dodgers.
First of all, who the hell is "Brett Favre"?
Second.....
A guy who had averaged a 55.4 passer rating and a 2/9 TD/INT over the last 5 games of the regular season, and a guy with an 8.32 ERA weren't as bad for their respective teams than the supreme junkiest player in sports, who has been hitting .306/.424./.536.
Huh.
I give up. If he doesn't get fired for writing that, I don't think he ever will.
He’s been so bad he got booed in Dodgers Stadium the other day when he misplayed a ball into a triple and put another 0-for-4 in the box score in another loss.
Asshole. WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID IN JUNE, MANNY!
Dodgers fans aren’t given to booing — it takes too much energy and demands that the spectators actually pay attention to the game.
Mike Celizic isn't given to facts - they take too much research and demand that the writer actually follow the sport in question.
But even Dodgers fans have their limits, and Manny has found them with one of the worst months he’s probably ever had in his career.
Manny Ramirez, August: .306/.424/.536.
Naw, just kidding. It's .287/.391/.415. Quit dragging down the universe, Manny.
Through Sunday’s games, Manny had played 22 games in August. In two of those games, he performed like Manny, getting a home run and three RBIs in each of them. In the other 20 games, he has zero home runs and a grand total of six RBIs, a hitting pace that a lot of pitchers have little trouble keeping up with. He’s driven in just one run in his last dozen games.
Congratulations. You've found the worst possible way to evaluate a person's month-long performance in history.
He’s hitting .303 on the season, but only .254 since the All-Star break.
I told you there would be some dumb batting average-related thing in here.
The Dodgers are not a bad hitting team.
Uh huh.....
They lead the National League in team batting average and on-base percentage.
Which is "not bad", as you said.
Normally, that’s a sure formula for winning baseball. And when Manny’s driving in runs, it is.
Manny Ramirez is the only player on the Los Angeles Dodgers responsible for driving in runs. It's actually impossible for James Loney and Andre Ethier to do it.
The Dodgers are third in the NL in scoring, with 603 runs. But they’re 10th in slugging percentage
Clearly the fault of that .536-slugging Manny. By the way, Manny's complete line for the season? .306/.424/.536
All other things being equal, when Manny is hitting, they win. When he’s not hitting, they have problems.
When you set all other factors equal in two scenarios, the performance of the one variable factor will pretty much determine the difference in outcome of the two scenarios.
And that's totally how it's worked with the Dodgers this year.
So far, there’s no sign that Torre has done anything to light a fire under Manny.
No need to strike a match to ignite a fully spreading-and-dangerous wildfire.
Right now, nobody’s blaming Torre for that. But if things continue to go badly in Colorado and if that once huge lead continues to erode like a sand castle in a hurricane, somebody’s going to bring it up.
And if they don’t, they should.
Three-oh-six, four-twenty-four, five-thirty-six.
I don't know who of you out there has been following the Chicago Cubs lately, but if you haven't, let me bring you up to speed. Their record is 18-1932, their batting average is -.432, and their team ERA is 3.87. Yup. Pretty good pitching. But anyway, who cares about the logistics. We need a solution! Dan McNeil just got promoted to having his own 4-hour long talk show on the radio in Chicago, and he has the answer: yelling! Take it away, Danny Mac!
We need a new Lou. This one won't do. Lou Piniella just isn't selling the Zen thing. Not to me or to anybody else. Most important, the 25 athletes under his stewardship don't appear to be processing his messages.
Lou Piniella: Hey Soriano, quit swinging at pitches in the dirt!
Alfonso Soriano: ::strikes out by swinging at ball four low::
Lou Piniella: Hey Theriot, quit swinging for the fences and slap it to right, like the good ol' days!
Ryan Theriot: ::swings as hard as he can and pops it up to the pitcher::
Derrek Lee: ::takes strike one::
Lou Piniella: ::Runs out of the dugout screaming to argue the call, now is kicking dirt and peeing on home plate simultaneously:: YOU PIECE OF $#@( what kind of #(@#ing #!#$ $#@! #$@* #$*( #$*$ing (percent sign) #@$! Barbara Streissand's #$@$@!!!!
Jake Fox: Hey, Lou's getting pissed off! I'm energized!
Geovany Soto: Hey boys, we've got this shit!
Cubs Players in unison: HUZZAH!
::Cubs win game 131-4::
And that's how it all went down.
I'm pleased when anybody reads anything, even a cocktail napkin,
You have very low standards.
but those books Piniella said he read last offseason should have been saved for Phil Jackson. He wears a satin robe better.
Joe Torre didn't singlehandedly win all those AL East titles by acting all calm, that's for damn sure.
Try as Piniella might to convince the world he's walking on rice paper without leaving a trace, he always has been most comfortable near the edge. Or completely over it. That's who he is.
Factors in winning a Major League Baseball division, in order of importance.
1) Manager comfortability
2) Yelling
3) Being in the four-teamed AL West
4) Removing bases from their proper locations
5) Runs scored
Unearthing bases. Kicking dirt. Spitting. Scratching. Fighting one of his own players, as he did in Cincinnati with the behemoth-sized Rob Dibble.
6) Fighting Rob Dibble
None of those outlandish behaviors will solve the Cubs' most urgent problems,
At least you admit this.
but when a historically fiery manager ceases to breathe fire, then you have a brand new problem to tack onto the list: resignation.
Or worse: a manager that doesn't instantly verbalize everything he thinks in a hyperpassionate matter. That fucks over the media hardcore.
We want to know you're still in there, Lou. C'mon, Lou.
You know Soto the Pothead is starting to turn things around......maybe you should cheer for him? He actually plays baseb-....ah hell. C'mon Lou.
Time for Piniella to take one of his struggling bullpen arms over the fence, the way the Tigers' Ryan Raburn did Tuesday night, to beat Kevin Gregg in the bottom of the ninth.
The play on words here was just simply effortless.
As Piniella awakens to a call to action, perhaps it also alerts general manager Jim Hendry to a problem on which he may want to act. Who's this team's closer if it's not going to be Gregg, who has blown three saves and is averaging more than 20 pitches per inning?
Good Danny. This is baseball. This is definitely something worth talking about. Maybe we should elaborate on this. Maybe talk about some possible solutions to the problem.
The more cerebral Lou can spare embarrassing Gregg with critical words. Just give him the ball in garbage time at the next opportunity. Actions speak louder than words.
Danny Mac's solution: Embarrass Kevin Gregg.
The original ''Plan B'' was Carlos Marmol, but he also has underwhelmed. I'm all for seeing Piniella wave Marmol in for mop-up duty, too, if there aren't more performances like Tuesday's, when he whiffed three of the four Detroit hitters he faced.
Alright so the nominal two best relievers on the Cubs are pitching with the team 5 runs down in the 4th inning. Danny Mac, you deserved every bit of that promotion.
We need more actions, those like Monday night when Piniella benched Alfonso Soriano for the Cubs' one-night stand in Atlanta. Good. Soriano needed it.
If this was a routine rest day (I don't know for sure), this is very funny.
Next move is to hit him fifth or sixth in the order.
Agreed. Every Cub fan in the universe knows this should have happened 2 years ago.
Of Piniella's regulars, only veterans Derrek Lee and Ryan Theriot have proven reliable. They are the only Cubs position players who should be an automatic when Piniella pencils in his daily lineup.
Kosuke Fukudome: .279 EqA
Milton Bradley: .263 EqA
Ryan Theriot: .263 EqA
Reed Johhhhnson: .269 EqA
Micah Hoffpauir: .262 EqA
You heard the man. Theriot's your lock to play every day. None of those other guys quite stack up.
Without acting, Piniella is running the dangerous risk of creating the impression he's losing interest. I couldn't believe it when he didn't want to talk about his team's habitual struggle to not capitalize on scoring opportunities the other night.
I can't believe that either, man! When your team is hitting .011 on the season with RISP and this is happening pretty much every other game, I can't imagine why Lou wouldn't want to talk to the media about it!
Maybe it's time for the guy to talk about going fishing.
Woahhhh
Maybe he should go fishing.
WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I'm not encouraging Piniella to barbeque his players publicly. It won't mean squat if he rips one of his guys, unloads on an umpire or kicks Roger Bossard's majestic granules of sand all over Bridgeport this weekend.
This pretty much is the opposite of everything you've said thus far.
Nobody is asking for the postgame spread to be hurled against the wall of the clubhouse. Nothing contrived or falsely manufactured is necessary.
It's gotta come from the HEART!!!
Just show us you're not going to lie down and take it. Use the pencil like a carving knife. Messages are delivered when they land right in the gut.
Send a message! Instead of those losers, start Andres Blanco and Aaron Miles every day! That'll show 'em you care about winning!
Find new roles for those not handling their current ones. Keep shakin' up that lineup card and that bullpen. An untrustworthy pen has cost many managers their jobs.
Neal Cotts, you are now the closer for the Chicago Cubs.
So has indifference.
Alright Danny Mac, I've been pretty sarcastic this entire time, so let me level with you. It isn't that Lou doesn't give a shit. It's that unlike you, he understands that throwing an angry hissy fit isn't going to make professional baseball players play better. And if he doesn't otherwise feel like it, he won't do it. You stink.
I'm off to Hawaii, bitches!!!
