Friday, August 15, 2008

Fat Turds I Hate Not Named Jay Mariotti

My Seahawk fandom is not something that I try to keep secret, and it's a lot of fun to live in a city that shares the division that the Seahawks have won 4 years in a row. But by no means do I hate the Rams, their fans, or their writers.

Oh wait - St. Louis writers are fat turds. Bernie Miklasz writes for the paper in these here parts and this article is a stinker.

With rare exception, the entertainment value of NFL exhibition games is null and void. I watch the preseason games mostly because I'm crazy about watching sports. And living in the DVR age makes it easy to zip through to the stuff that interests me.

Just a quick poll here - if you're a DVR owner like me, and you're fast forwarding to get to something you want to watch, you aren't paying attention. I've tried to cruise through sporting events on TiVo before and it doesn't work. You see a play you want to watch go by quickly so you know how it ends, then you watch it again in real speed and then see a replay of it even slower. Or you can sit in the press box, eat (a lot) of free food, and watch the game with other writers who throw out stupid one liners about how poorly the team is playing.

But to get worked up over an NFL exhibition game?

Never. Not me.

Not until now …

I always get worked up over exhibition games. For a long time, it was all I had to cheer for. But Bernie, who just told us how boring they are because it's just guys trying to get on the practice squad playing each other, wants it to be so much more.

I really believe that it's time — past time, actually — for the Rams to act like they give a damn when they play a preseason game.

Such harsh language! He must be serious. If life was like commercials, Bernie would slam his fist down on his desk, but it would turn into pulled pork sandwiched instead of Skittles.

Bernie: "Give a damn! *fist slam* OOoOoOHhHHh! I need some Sweet Baby Ray's!"

Now he's given us his thesis, let's see his support.

This team needs to develop cohesion, confidence and credibility. The Rams need to give fans a reason to think the product has improved after last season's 3-13 wipeout.

And you get cohesion and support by having a starting running back who is holding out for more than $30 million a season. You get confidence by cutting half of the players that will play in the preseason game. And you get credibility by winning a preseason game.

How do you improve a product? How about signing better players? Drafting a good group of young players? No. You win a preseason game.

And the Rams will have another crack at breaking through the malaise on Saturday night at the Edward Jones Dome, against the visiting San Diego Chargers.

We're not asking for much.

Just a preseason win, that's it. Because the season depends on it.

No reason to reveal the secret contents of the regular-season game plan. And there is no reason to play the regulars until they're carted off the field. I wouldn't suggest, let alone demand, that the Rams try to do everything they can to win preseason games.

But if they don't win tomorrow's game, you might as well cut the team and start from scratch, because the season is lost! The Rams are disbanding!

But is it too much to request that the Rams show that they can run a crisp offense, and line up properly on defense? Is it too much to ask the Rams to show that they can win the lines of scrimmage, instead of getting punked?

Considering men's careers in the NFL depend on them lining up properly on defense, I don't think it's too much to ask. My question to Bernie: Is it too much to ask that you find a way to write off the Rams faster? O.J. Atogwe is hurt, you'd better use that excuse before he heals.

The preseason games don't count, but impressions do.

Introducing your new nose guard, Frank Caliendo impersonating Robin Williams.

Especially if something advertised as new — the 2008 Rams — looks a lot like the 2007 version that crawled to an inexorable surrender.

The Rams aren't being advertised as new. In fact, the Rams are advertising that Rams fans don't sell their tickets to out of town fans so that they can create false starts. In fact, here's an article in the Bernie's own Post-Dispatch that outlines what is being advertised. By why open up your own paper?

Successful teams can go on cruise control in the preseason.

Winning coaches have the security and the status to take a cautious, safe, laid-back approach to these rehearsals.

But the Rams aren't a winning team.

And Scott Linehan's job is on the line.

You heard it here first, folks. Linehan's fired if the Rams lose Saturday... stay tuned!

The fans of this town have a lot of questions about the third-year head coach.

Top 3 fan questions about Scott Linehan
(1) Is he really related to Jim Caviezel?
(2) Really?
(3) Are you sure?

Most of the questions will be answered later, and Linehan has worked hard to make changes and initiate a fresh start.

Wasn't Jim Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ?

I give him credit for that. Linehan shook up his staff and brought in a high-powered offensive coordinator in Al Saunders.

A high-powered offense that has to work hard to win, but not the high-powered regular season plays. (I wouldn't be surprised if somebody owns me in the comments about not knowing how football playbooks are written. That person [AwesomeSean] would be correct.)

But we all know there's another question hanging over this team, and it's never too early for Linehan to provide an answer:

Are they making a sequel to The Passion of the Christ?

Is he capable of getting players to play? Linehan won't win over the fans until they see that he can consistently inspire his team.

Answer: Google Steven Jackson Holdout

It's not his job to hire some jackass bitching about millions of unproven dollars - what he's asking for would make him the 4th highest payed running back, and on his best day he's still Steven Jackson of the St. Louis rams - But he should be able to say something to him to get him to sign a contract.

Along the same lines, there's the starting quarterback, Marc Bulger. It's never too soon for Bulger to offer up evidence that he's recovered from 2007's beating, and that he isn't content to just take a cushy seat on that big contract he signed last summer. Bulger's play against Tennessee in the preseason opener was frightening. He looked like a staggered boxer who had taken too many heavy punches to the jaw.

All 9 passes he threw...

This isn't all about Linehan and Bulger. All of the Rams have to show that they represent SOMETHING other than the dull, disorganized mess we observed in Tennessee.

YEAH! Get on everyone else!

Is it too much to ask the first-team offense to score a touchdown? It hasn't happened — not once — in the preseason since Linehan became head coach in 2006.

I thought we were changing subjects? For not asking for a lot, Bernie wants an awful lot. Don't spill the whole playbook, but impress us and score a touchdown with starters that you don't want to hurt. Push yourselves out there on the field, but not too much. Just enough to score. Maybe a little more? Can you get your helmet popped off your head so it gets on FSN's Final Score?

Seriously, what's the deal here? We aren't asking the Rams to solve conflicts in the Middle East, or ensure a lower price of crude oil.

Well why the fuck aren't we doing that? My truck squeaks when I put it in reverse, why aren't these asshats fixing it? And man is gas expensive! {How expensive is it?} It's so expensive, Bernie Miklasz should fuck off. {Canned Laughter}

All we want is the first-team Rams to take possession of the football, effectively block the other team, execute the play, string together an efficient series and enter the end zone. If the Rams' starters actually score a touchdown this summer, how do we respond? Maybe call the Vatican to report a miracle?

I think Rams fans would rather have a team with a winning record than a preseason first team touchdown. But I guess I don't understand football, Bernie.

The Rams broke training camp Wednesday. The day before, Linehan praised his team's energy and enthusiasm in practice.

"Great," Linehan told reporters. "I feel better about this week than I have maybe since the first week when we came out. Just our approach and guys working hard and guys being out there and fighting through the adversity and pain and all that stuff. It's been really good that way."

And it all goes to shit if they don't score a touchdown or win. What a lying prick that Scott Linehan is.

I want to believe Linehan. But I think I speak for a lot of folks in saying that I want to see it on the field, during competition.

And I think I speak for a lot of folks when I say that this article didn't need to be written.

Yes, it's only the preseason. But for the 2008 Rams, there is no such thing as a meaningless game.

Bern - can I call you that? Bern, it's the preseason. Watch the game on fast forward on your DVR and snuggle with your overweight cat. Then change it over to your DVD player and finish Season 3 of Gilmore Girls. Enjoy it with your Edy's Dibs. See you Sunday, Bern.


Bengoodfella said...

Aren't the Colts like 3-13 in the last four preseasons? Preseason means absolutely jack shit. I guess he would be satisfied if they scored a touchdown in the preseason and then did not get one for the entire first half of the season? Maybe?

Larry B said...

My top three questions about Scott Linehan-

1) Has he been fired yet?
2) No?
3) Why not?