I hope you remember game 6 of the 2013 NBA Finals (part 2)

Before we begin: let's make sure everyone has seen this.  

Then, let's do a quick detour from basketball to soccer, since the World Cup is happening, and remind everyone that if you were born in the USA and you call a field a "pitch," a uniform a "kit," the number zero "nil," and/or a team a "side," you are a fucking dipshit of the highest order and you should be embarrassed.  I'm very excited about the World Cup, and I sometimes sort of follow the Champions League. (Admittedly, I do not have a favorite club team in America or outside of America, so it's not like I'm Mr. Soccer.)  But seriously, if you were born here and you like to use British terminology to describe the sport, you should be thrown out of a moving train.  You suck.  Go away.

Moving on: as succinctly and comedically explained to us by Anonymous in the comments to part 1 of this post, Bill doesn't remember anything about game 6.  Except the parts he remembers, because it was so unforgettable, which HE KNEW WAS THE CASE AT THE TIME.  Make sense?

But the fourth quarter? I remember a bunch of things. 

Of course you do.  You remember tweeting about how in ten years, people might remember this as a moment in which they decided to look forward and think about how they might remember it in ten years.

I remember Duncan fading as LeBron ascended to an ungodly level. 

LeBron has been the best player in the NBA for like seven or eight years.  Noticing that he was better in the 4th quarter of a game late in the playoffs than 37 year old Tim Duncan is not novel or interesting.

Stretch Bo Jackson to 6-foot-8, give him T-Mac’s streaky jump shot, Jordan’s competitiveness, Pippen’s defensive prowess and Bird’s brain, and that was LeBron dominating both ends for nine solid minutes. 

Attention, ignorant readers who know nothing unless Bill tells you you know something: LeBron is really good at basketball.

He fought off a slightly better San Antonio team, by himself … and then, just as unexpectedly, he remembered he was human and ran out of gas. 

LeBron played 49:46 of that 53 minute game.  Him running out of gas late in the 4th is not at all unexpected.

That’s when Tony Parker made a couple of Tony Parker plays, 

So descriptive!  I say this every few months, but "[Name] making [name] plays" is the dumbest fucking thing any person can write about sports.

and before we blinked, San Antonio’s bench was celebrating and Miami had bungled the series.

During that now-fateful timeout with San Antonio up five, 

Someone should have asked Popovich what he thought he would think about that timeout in five years!  I know I'm beating that joke into the ground, but Simmons's obsession with that concept is out of hand.

Jalen Rose and I watched NBA officials wheel the Larry O’Brien Trophy into the runway to our right. 

I AM FRIENDS WITH A FORMER NBA PLAYER!!!!  EVERYMAN COLUMNIST WHO REPRESENTS THE AVERAGE FAN COMES THROUGH IN THE CLUTCH AGAIN!!!

It couldn’t have been farther than 15 feet from us. We watched security guards assume positions around the court, and we watched Heat employees hastily sticking up yellow rope around the courtside seats. 

You know what, I'll give him non-sarcastic credit here.  This is actually non-horrendous description of a rarely-seen occurrence at a sporting event that most people don't really notice or pay attention to.  

Like they were cordoning off a homicide scene. 

And now we're back to the same old Bill--the employees cordoned off this area like they were cordoning off another kind of area.

Even after LeBron’s second-gasp 3, I still thought we were going home. Some Heat fans had already trickled out. 

Nooooo!  Heat fans aren't bad fans!  They are great fans who just have to beat traffic!  Miami is known for its terrible traffic, right?

We watched them leave in disbelief. How could the Basketball Gods reward … that?

Gregg and Bill have more in common than either would admit, but let's get down to brass tacks: if what Bill is saying is that Heat fans suck balls, he's not wrong.  Regardless of his reference to the Basketball Gods.

After Miller fouled Leonard with 19.4 seconds left, he strolled impassively to the free throw line, with Miami’s rejuvenated crowd suffocating him with boos and screams. I remember thinking, Forget about making these free throws — I wonder if this kid is hitting the rim. 

Kawhi Leonard is a career 80% free throw shooter.  No matter how he wants to tell the story, Bill knew Leonard was going to miss one of those free throws right after he missed it, and not a minute sooner.

Leonard sized up those freebies, the clatter bouncing off him, a Spurs collapse suddenly in play. How many current players could have nailed these specific free throws? 

Hundreds.  

Maybe 10 total? 

You're a fucking idiot.

Leonard clanged the first one. Mayhem. He made the second one, and by the way, I will always respect Kawhi for making that second one. 

YOU'RE WELCOME, KAWHI.  YOU MIGHT MAKE THE BOOK OF BASKETBALL'S FOURTH EDITION IN 2035.

Three-point game.

After Miami’s timeout, we watched in disbelief as Pop removed Duncan for the ensuing defensive possession. How can you keep the power forward GOAT off the floor twice? Jalen and I were flipping out. What was Pop thinking? 

I have no idea, and maybe it was the right decision and maybe it wasn't, but Gregg Popovich has more basketball knowledge in his pinkie toe than Bill Simmons could ever possibly accumulate.  Not to say that the "if you knew anything about the game, you'd be playing/coaching/managing it" argument is always infallible, but when we're talking about Popovich, I think it's worth giving him the benefit of the doubt on literally every decision.

As we were venting, they started playing basketball again. 

Back to some rock solid Bill exposition.  So descriptive, it's like watching with Jalen Rose.

Chalmers dumped it to LeBron, who missed another 3 near Miami’s bench. The ball caromed to the right side, with Bosh securing it right before Ginobili bounced off him. (For what it’s worth, that was a GREAT rebound by Bosh.) 

Everyone hates Chris Bosh.  He's 6'11", and here he's getting credit for grabbing a board over a 6'6" guy.

As Ginobili tumbled to the ground, Allen furiously retreated toward the right corner. None of the Spurs was close enough to him. And Bosh was tossing the ball his way.

Why?  Because, as Bill will soon show us, only a TROOOOO FACKIN' CELTIC (who spent approximately 30% of his career in Boston) like Allen could come up big in a moment like this.

Now …
I watched Ray Allen play for my favorite team for five years. 

YOU DID NAWT WATCH!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RAY ALLEN PLAYS!  LISTEN TO ME!

He goes to the same spots and does the same things the same ways — not just for weeks, or months, but for years and years and years. 

This is not true.  He has favorite spots--and every player has favorite spots.  Allen is also first all time in NBA history in total three point FGs made by a lot, and 36th in 3FG%.  He's probably the best three point shooter ever.  He will kill you from anywhere behind the arc.  If you wrote a best-selling book about basketball, I'd think you might comprehend that.  I'd also think you wouldn't be a petulant child if given the chance to go on TV and talk about basketball, but here we are, with that link at the beginning of this post existing.

He’s the closest thing we have to an NBA robot. 

Wait, I thought Duncan was a robot!  Because he never shows emotion!  NO ONE APPRECIATES TIM DUNCAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is not mockery of Simmons, it's a mockery of every dipshit out there who has been pushing that retarded-ass angle for the past five years or so.

He treats 3-pointers like tennis players treat their serves, golfers treat their swings and pitchers treat their delivery — quick jump, quick release, perfect form, line drive, bang. 

Or in other words, he treats three pointers like every NBA guard treats every jump shot.

Every shot looks the same. Watch Ray long enough and you instinctively realize when he’s heating up, when he’s shooting from a spot he likes, and when he’s thrust into a situation that — even if it seems chaotic — happens to be perfect for Ray Allen and Ray Allen only.

ONLY A FAN OF THE BASKETBALL SOX WOULD UNDAHSTAND OW-UH RAY!  THE REST OF YOU AHHHH CLUELESS!

With seven seconds left in Game 6, suddenly, we were in one of those situations. And I knew just from watching him backpedal those first two steps.

The fuck you did.  Die.

True story: When Ray practices 3s from different parts of the court, sometimes he blindfolds himself so he can’t see the 3-point line. His complicated shooting routine unfolds hours before games — like, HOURS before games — sometimes with cheerleaders practicing and arena employees turning the lights on and off. He practices footwork as diligently as a ballerina, partly because he’s a perfectionist, partly out of basketball OCD, and partly because he always wants to be prepared for anything. And you know what’s really crazy? Ray Allen is enough of a lovable weirdo that he practiced this specific shot. In fact, he’s been practicing it since his Milwaukee days.

This may be true or it may not be true.  Wouldn't surprise me; also wouldn't surprise me if this is embellishment of a story where, like, one time Allen wore a blindfold while shooting around because he was super in the zone.  Bill's source?  Bill's perspective, other than "Take my word for it?"  None.  Bill Simmons, everyone.  America's loudest semi-informed sports fan.  If anyone you know tries to cite him as an authority on anything other than Larry Bird, be sure to kick them in the nuts and then run away.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Let's Go With Something Related To The Ol' "Stranded On A Tropical Island" Cliche

I'm working on a post that's actually long enough to make you scroll down your screen in order to read the whole thing, but rather than rushing through it to finish tonight (it's a big day at the hot air balloon tour ranch tomorrow so I'm getting up extra early), I decided to hold off until Saturday just to make sure I do a decent job on it. You know why? Because I care about you people, that's why. You're special to me. I don't want to give you a big post of half-baked dick jokes and capitalized expressions of exasperation. Fuck that. You readers are big deal to me. I want to impress you. Does my hair look good? Be honest, but tell me you like it. I got it buzzed this way with you guys in mind. And I lost weight too, can't you tell? Please notice my effort. I even put on makeup and high heels for you.

What?

Long story short, substantial post to arrive on Saturday. In the meantime, let's all compete for an imaginary junk food prize and a meaningless title which is awarded completely arbitrarily after being judged by a panel of one. This week's topic: you're stranded on a tropical island with no rescue coming. Would you rather:

1) Have an unlimited number of friendly natives around to play sports with? Or

2) Have a TV that gets every live sporting event (even those on MLB Extra Innings, NBA TV, NFL Sunday Ticket, etc.) plus all the sports analysis channels (We're talking all the ESPNs, FSNs, NFL Network, etc.)?

Keep in mind the following limitations for situation 1- Equipment and facilities will be extremely crude at best. We're talking nothing but tropical plants with which to make things. The natives will take a long time to learn any sport you try to teach them if they can even learn them at all. Good bet- football. Bad bet- baseball. If you injure yourself there's no doctor around to help you heal. Tore up your knee? Well, I guess that's the end of your sports playin' days. Hope you taught the natives enough to be entertained by watching them. And finally, the natives will not let you into their society or associate with you in any way except to play sports.

Also keep in mind the shortcomings of situation 2- You will be totally and completely alone. You may never see another human again, unless they're swimming to shore to be stranded with you, in which case you should probably just kill them in their sleep and eat them. You will have no methods with which to interact with people about the sports you watch. No internet. It's a one way conduit of information. And you won't be able to fix your TV if something happens to it. Especially something hilarious like a coconut falling on it.

Your responses might indicate otherwise, but I honestly feel like it's a tough call. Option 2 is pretty straightforward, it's more or less how most of us sports fans live now minus a few distractions like career, family, and model railroads. Comparing it against option 1, which is so hard to imagine, is the hard part. If you go with option 1 you'll effectively live in a time capsule until and if you're rescued. That would be fucked up to say the least. And you'll be bored whenever you're not playing, which would be a lot of the time. But then again how badass would it be to wake up under a palm tree and know that although you've basically lost everything you cared about in life, you can still go out that day and quarterback your team to an island championship? Or go dunk a coconut off some guy's face on an 8 foot rim? (No one said you couldn't distort the rules a little.) Or if you're patient enough to teach them baseball, hit a walk-off home run?

In the end I think I'm going to choose option 1. Although I haven't left this basement for any reason in almost ten months, played a pick-up sport in over six years, or played an organized team sport since I was six, I seem to remember sports being really fun. I think being able to actively participate in them would trump being able to watch "Rome Is Burning" and "Skip Bayless's Magical Happy Funtime Half Hour" every day. It would be nice to be able to catch all my favorite teams' games, but who would I bitch at after they screwed up? Without being able to do that watching sports becomes less enjoyable for me.

Your thoughts? Even if you have no analysis, feel free to post an unexplained vote for one or the other. We need to have popular opinion answers to questions like these. SportsNation is counting on us.

This week's prize: Freeze Pops! Three of them! Purple, orange, and blue! Sorry, I already ate red.

Time For Me To Re-Memorize How To Spell Wojciechowski

I can only refer to him as "Gene" so many times in a row in any given post. I need some variety, you know? On the whole, the following is far from his worst. But I'm picking on it because of its dangerously high concentration of cliches. I mean, there are lots. And lots. And lots. Of them. Read with caution.

This is ESPN's "Senior National Columnist." By my estimation his articles are linked on their front page more often than anyone's except TMQ's or Simmon's. I understand that most Super Bowl-related story lines have been pretty much beaten to death by this point in the season, because the Patriots have been at the center of a media firestorm since week 1 and the Giants play in New York. But really? You're a Senior National Columnist, and this is what you come up with? Basically one big article that can be summed up as: "the Patriots are great because of a bunch of shit that doesn't actually mean anything." Really? What the hell is wrong with you?

Granted, some of the cliches aren't Wojciechowski's. They're quotes. But he's the one who chose to include them, so he's still responsible.

This is the greatest team of all time? This is the team that's going to have its team photo bronzed for posterity? The team that's supposed to make us forget about all those other great teams: the '72 Miami Dolphins, the '27 New York Yankees, the '01 Wilbon and Kornheiser?

The short answer is yes.

The correct answer is no. We're not supposed to forget about anyone else, much less a team in a different sport, if New England finishes out their season with a win. This reminds me of the time back in 2003 that Barry Bonds said he wanted to get to 715 home runs so he could "wipe out" Babe Ruth. "Don't talk about him no more." said Bonds at the time. Actually, I personally wouldn't mind if we never talked about those self-fellating asscocks on the '72 Dolphins again. That would be the one and only unshitty aspect of a New England victory. But it's not going to happen; they're not going anywhere, regardless of the game's outcome.

The longer answer is that the 2007 New England Patriots are one game and one victory from the kind of perfection that no team, including those undefeated Dolphins of 35 seasons ago, has ever experienced.

Which kind of perfection? The kind of perfection that happens when you win all your games? Cliche #1.

Win Super Bowl XLII -- and they will -- and the Patriots will have no peer, no point of comparison.

Same song, different verse. #1a.

One more win, said New England's football Yoda, linebacker Junior Seau, and they'll be "part of ever."

What does that even mean? I guess it's close enough to "part of forever," which is close enough to "part of history." We'll call it #2.

"Separating is key in history," said Seau, who has spent 18 seasons in this unforgiving league.

The amorphous concept of "separat[ion]" has basically nothing to do with comparing events that happen in different eras. They're already separated. I guess that's obscure so I can't count it as a cliche. That doesn't make it not painfully stupid.

And fuck you and your concerns about my double negatives, firelarryb.blogspot.com.

"We have a chance."

Thanks Junior. I hope you guys just go out there and play your game, try to make plays, and believe in yourselves. #3.

The Patriots have more than a chance. They almost have an obligation to finish what they've started.

The Giants, as far as I can tell, are also out there to finish what they started. Unless they're out there for some other reason. Maybe they just want to collect their roster bonuses and try not to get injured. But I doubt it. #4.

Anything less would be like forgetting to wear pants with your tux.

That is definitely not a cliche, for good reason. Are you sure it's really not more like forgetting to get rice in your sandwich? Thanks Gene.

Step No. 18 of their 19-step self-help program took place at Gillette Stadium on Sunday afternoon. This time, it was the San Diego Chargers who had the misfortune of being between the Patriots and another AFC championship. And for more than a little while, it looked as if the Chargers might somehow pull off a second consecutive playoff upset.

But the Patriots aren't like the Indianapolis Colts, the team that blew its home-field advantage a week ago against these same Chargers. The Patriots aren't like anybody else.

The Raiders aren't like anybody else, either. Nor are the Calgary Stampeders. Or the Philadelphia Soul. Or some sad sack team from that 2nd tier Arena League. Everyone is special. My mom told me so. #5.

NFL MVP Tom Brady threw three interceptions … and the Patriots won. Randy Moss caught exactly one pass for 14 yards … and the Patriots won. The Chargers had two first-and-goals and a first-and-10 from the New England 13 … and the Patriots won. In fact, they didn't give up a touchdown in the 21-12 victory.

"The Patriots of old," is how linebacker Mike Vrabel described it.

"This is what we consider Patriots football," linebacker Tedy Bruschi said.

None other than the man himself delivers #6! Bruschi! He's a golden goddess! A man made out of nothing but marble, steel, diamonds, and courage! Our only real chance at ever solving the D.B. Cooper mystery! You might not know, but Barbaro lived about 6 months longer than expected last spring because Bruschi was giving him blood transfusions! He's man who wants you to know that not allowing the other team to score is a style of football unique to his team!

Patriots football isn't the 52-7 air show of Oct. 28 against Washington or the 56-10 humiliation of Buffalo on Nov. 18. It's what happened here in the late January cold, when the Patriots were forced to revert to their past championship DNA, which is to grind, to adapt and to prevail.

In other words: beating the fuck out of inferior teams is not Patriots football. Beating a team that matches up with them pretty well by nine? THAT'S Patriots football.

Canton isn't going to request the game film, but that's not the point. The Patriots did what they had to do. "[J]ust kind of hang around," is the way Vrabel put it.

#7 (what Gene said, not what Vrabel said).

Instead of giving up TDs, they gave up field goals. Instead of relaxing when Chargers star running back LaDainian Tomlinson and his injured knee became permanently attached to the bench, the Patriots played harder.

Let's throw some anecdotal bullshit in there for good measure. Personally, I don't think they played any harder. It's just that the Chargers played softer, so the Patriots looked relatively harder. Go ahead- try to prove that wrong.

Patriots football is what coach Bill Belichick said to Bruschi when they hugged just moments after the game.

You can only hope Bruschi was able to understand the indecipherable mumblings coming out of Belichick's mouth while he was trying to make his point. As an avid Patriots hater, here's my favorite example of what Bill sometimes sounds like after a game.

"Great job in the red area," Belichick said.

Not, "We're going to the Super Bowl!" Not, "18-0, baby!" But, "Great job in the red area."

It's the red zone, you hoodie-wearing wife stealer. But wait, didn't Gene just say Belichick said "Patriots football?" Whatever. If he actually said something meaningful, then that's awesome and more power to him. Thanks for the non-cliche you asshead. Even if it contained a horribly mangled football term.

This is Belichick in a nutshell. This is the Patriots' celebrated culture in a nutshell. There is no "I" in New England.

Wow. #8.

The Pats somehow have conditioned themselves to suppress their feelings about their football legacy.

Sure, it bubbles to the surface on occasion. Bruschi felt the pressure of an unbeaten season before the Patriots played the New York Giants in the final regular-season game.

"I think you could see it on our faces a little bit before the game," he said. "We knew [it] was a huge game and history was on the line," he said.

Bruschi with two more humdingers! That's #9 and #10! "Huge game!" "History!" Fortunately, he has actually turned an old DeLorean he fixed up into a time machine! So if the Patriots had lost, he could have gone back and found a zany and bizarre way to change the outcome! Not that they were going to lose... because he's Tedy Fucking Bruschi! (But I mean, if they had, he could have fixed it.)

Do you have any idea how many times he's already used that DeLorean to change world history for the better? Let's just say that if it weren't for him, we'd all be speaking German and Japanese!

Also, Gene, basic journalism- don't place two sentences which both have a quote followed by "he said" back to back. It reads like something out of a high school yearbook's rundown of a club no one cares about.

History remains on the line. Once again it is the Giants' turn to try to avert what seems to be inevitable. They got last crack at the Patriots in the regular season. Now they get last crack at them in the postseason.

Good luck. That's because the Patriots are the ultimate ant colony. Everybody works. Everybody has a role.

Really? Everybody has a role? Go figure. That must be why the Lions have been wallowing in crap for the last decade. If only Shaun Rogers and Boss Bailey had roles! And what is John Kitna going to do next year? Play quarterback again? Who knows! Also, what's this about everybody "working?" Hey, Earth to you, 49ers. Maybe if you all got together every once in a while and did some sort of "working" together, you wouldn't be such a joke. That's #11.

Christ, if you're going to bounce all over New England's knob, at least do it for the right reasons. They have a fantastic coaching staff. They make brilliant salary cap, draft, and trade decisions year in and year out. Consequently their team is full of great players who are well coached. It has nothing to do with everyone having roles and working. That describes every professional sports franchise ever, except whoever happens to be employing Zach Randolph, Ricky Davis, or Bartolo Colon at any given point in time.

Belichick is the droll football savant. Brady is the extension of that genius. Seau is the emotional center. Bruschi and Vrabel are the cornerstones. Moss is the suddenly selfless receiver who knocked Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo out of the game on a clean block. Kevin Faulk is the third-down specialist.

"That's the money down," Seau reminded everyone in his postgame comments.

"That's the money down," Seau reminded everyone who has never watched football before or has suffered a major head trauma injury recently. #12.

Faulk wore a long-sleeve blue T-shirt in the locker room after the game. On the front, in white lettering, was: We're All Just A Brotha From Another Motha.

Translation: "The family," said Faulk. "The Patriot family, that's all."

"Brother from a different mother?" Ha! I can't wait to tell all my suburban friends that one! It rhymes! We're going to sound so hard and tough. Our parents are going to be soooo mad! And wait... you mean this team considers themselves some kind of variation on a "family?" Never heard that one before. Someone fill the Houston Texans about that concept. There's their problem. Not enough famililityness. #13.

That's all? That's everything. It's why Seau left retirement, his surfboard and his San Diego beach two years ago when Belichick himself called and said, "Listen, I got a position for you." It's why Moss doesn't say a peep after a one-catch day. It's why Brady would run through two brick walls for these guys.

These guys would do anything for each other. Anything. Even things that are impossible unless you're a superhero, or wearing a robot suit that hasn't been invented yet. Now that's dedication. At least Wojciechowski didn't say "he'd go to war" for his teammates. Still. #14.

The expectations and pressure will grow exponentially in the next two weeks. If ever there was a team capable of handling them, this is the one.

Expectations... pressure... yawn. Take those two sentences and apply them to basically any team that's ever prepared for a championship game/series. Besides the fact that whether or not any given team can actually deal with pressure is pretty subjective, it works, right? Guess what that's a sign of: an article that didn't need to be written. And #15.

After all, the Patriots have the most practice.

Granted, this characteristic is pretty unique to the Patriots (assuming he's referring to their three Super Bowls in the last 6 years), so it somewhat validates the previous two sentences. But the general subject of "the pressure is mounting but [team] is ready!" still induces about the same response in me as the Hallmark channel.

Like I said in the intro, I understand that it's going to be hard for sportswriters to put out much of anything interesting about this game during the next two weeks. Basically every story has been beaten to death. But Gene isn't just some regular hack at ESPN; he's their Senior National Super Duper Pooper Columnist. Is this really the best he could do? Point out the fact that New England considers themselves a family, and that they like to play "Patriot football?" Pop off 15 cliches in a 750 word article?

Christ, I'm ready to go back to Simmons after this. At least it looks like he's trying most of the time.

Peter King vs. His Readers In a Terrible Mailbag Showdown

Gregg Easterbrook's TMQ column was surprisingly inoffensive this week, so I'm skipping it. Maybe he's been reading my angry diatribes and is changing his ways. Probably not. Anyways I'll check back with him in 6 days or so. For now, let's move on to something else.

Sometimes I feel like making fun of a mailbag column for a post is cheating. Instead of just dealing with a dumb journalist like Peter King, I get to shit all over both the journalist and his (usuall) even stupider readers. It's the closest thing there is to a guarantee in this hardcore anti-sports media blogging business. It's completely impossible for the column to not end up being a giant piece of crap. There are too many idiots involved. Because of this, are they really fair game for FireJay? I'm not sure. However: it's late, I know people will want to read something tomorrow, and TMQ let me down. Subsequently I need to find somebody to make fun of in a hurry. Peter/Peter's readers, thanks for being that somebody.

(Before he starts answering questions, King launches into a disaster of a mini-column about where teams should look for RB talent)

Did you notice the rushing leaderboard for Week 10? And did you notice the inactives last night for the Seahawks? There's a correlation. And the moral of the story is that running back is the last position I'd ever spend big free-agent money on if I ran an NFL franchise.

Check out the weekend's top five rushers, and how they entered the NFL:
1. Clinton Portis, Washington, second round.
2. Jesse Chatman, Miami, undrafted.
3. Ryan Grant, Green Bay, undrafted.
4. Selvin Young, Denver, undrafted.
5. Willie Parker, Pittsburgh, undrafted.

All this is mediocre (but not necessarily bad) analysis. Sure, it's interesting to note that some good NFL running backs have come from unlikely places. Same as some good QBs... or offensive linemen... or anyone from any position. So this is pretty vanilla but it's not stupid. I mean, I wouldn't spend a lot of money on a free agent RB. But King's also trying to make a point about RBs that are picked early in the draft. This is a problem.

Running backs are the curse of the NFL. Look at Chicago, which in the last 13 drafts has taken Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis and Cedric Benson in the first round and been disappointed by all three.

So 4 of the top 5 rushers from last weekend's games were undrafted? Awesome. Great. But one game seems like a pretty small sample size. What if we look at the top rushers from this entire season, and what round they were drafted in?

Peterson, 1
Parker, undrafted
Portis, 2
Addai, 1
Lynch, 1
McGahee, 1
Tomlinson, 1
Westbrook, 3
James, 1
L. White, 2
T. Jones, 1
R. Brown, 1

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, now things look a little different. Where's your Ryan Grant and Jesse Chatman now, Peter? Just to further prove my point, I went 5 years back (in order to allow for some turnover) and looked at the season rushing leaders in 2002 and their draft position.

R. Williams, 1
Tomlinson, 1
P. Holmes, undrafted
Portis, 2
T. Henry, 2
McAllister, 1
Barber, 2
J. Lewis, 1
Taylor, 1
Dillon, 2
Bennett, 1
A. Green, 3

In conclusion: shut up, Peter King. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but in general drafting a running back early looks like a pretty fucking good idea to me.

Parker, Chatman, Grant and Young are hungry. Downright starving, probably, after being stuck behind good backs like Jerome Bettis, Ronnie Brown and Tiki Barber. With the injuries that ravage teams every year, it's smart to have a good second and third back, but it's just as smart not to pay a first-teamer the big dough.

Paying "big dough" to big name free agent RBs like Edge James looks kind of silly, and King correctly says so a part of the column I haven't included here. But paying "big dough" to 1st round draft picks like Adrian Peterson or the 20 year old version of Edge James that the Colts took back in 1999 looks really, really smart. I mean, as long as you define "smart" in the game of football as "having guys on your team that play extremely well."

You can find guys on the NFL street to gain 1,200 yards for you. Happens every year.

Total 1,200 yard seasons in the NFL from 2002-2006: 59
Number of those compiled by players who were not drafted: 4 (2 by Priest Holmes, 2 by Willie Parker)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 4th round or later: 5 (1 by Chester Taylor, 1 by Stephen Davis, 3 by Rudi Johnson)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd round: 50

You are wrong. Stop telling your readers lies. It didn't happen as recently as 2004. And the overwhelming majority of 1,200 rushers in today's NFL are not just draft picks (as opposed to "guys off the street"), but 1st or 2nd round draft picks.

The lesson should ring out in every front office in the league over the next few years: Don't pay big money for a back who's been a star in the league.

Again, fair enough. Free agent backs are not a good idea. BUT-

Instead, develop your own later-round finds.

As long as they are named Rudi Johnson, yeah, sure, go ahead and develop them. If they are named anything else, I don't like your odds.

They come in all shapes and sizes.

What the fuck does that even mean? They are NFL running backs. Almost every single one of them is between 5'10" and 6'2", and somewhere in the neighborhood of 220 lbs. This is like saying "If you're like me, you like cans of soda. They come in all shapes and sizes."

MCNABB'S FUTURE. From Peter Hale of Woburn, Mass.: "Two quarterback-related questions: Any chance Donovan McNabb goes to Baltimore, and would it be a waste if the growing consensus proves true and Brian Billick isn't back next year?

Here's where the readers start stepping up to the plate and competing with King in the dumbass department. I know how everyone likes to hype him up as an offensive "guru", but given what a disaster the Ravens' offense has been for Billick's entire tenure and that he's been unable to turn former 1st round pick Kyle Boller into anything that resembles a non shitty quarterback, I'd say it would be a waste if McNabb came to Baltimore and Billick was still there.

DOWN ON RIVERS. From Rick Betourne of Chesapeake, Va.: "The Chargers are toast. Even as emotional as they were Sunday, how can they legitimately be called a playoff team? Philip Rivers is AWFUL! I kept saying to my son, 'Who is he throwing to?'

"Consistently, he was throwing to receivers who were covered, double-covered, even triple-covered. People wonder why LT is not having the same year -- Philip Rivers."

First of all, Rick, the Chargers can be legitimately called a playoff team because they reside in the AFC West and the other three teams there are a collective joke this year. (I'm a Broncos fan, I would know.) Second, rather than just looking at LT's down season, maybe we should look at why neither LT nor Rivers is having the kind of year they expected. Hmmmm... what changed for the Chargers between 2006 and 2007? Were there any moves made regarding the coaching staff? Did they fire a coach with an excellent (regular season) track record and hire one who's never done anything but suck? Did they lose their offensive coordinator? Maybe we should look in that direction and see if we can figure out why both LT and Rivers are plummeting back to Earth, rather than simply pointing fingers at a one specific single cog in an underperforming offense.

MORE QB QUESTIONS. From Mike Kearney of Burlington, Ontario: "I raise my green tea to you this morning

I know green tea is good for you and all, but by putting that in your email you have identified yourself as a pretentious ass.

and ask "Who is the No. 3 NFC quarterback in the Pro Bowl?" Favre and Romo are one and two. For No. 3, is it Garcia, Brees or Hasselbeck? The whole world needs to know.

And by putting Hasselbeck on that list and omitting Jon Kitna, you have identified yourself as dumb.

VINATIERI FALL-OUT. From Jay of Trenton, N.J.: "Hey Peter, do you think Adam Vinatieri's missed "gimme" vs. San Diego tarnished his HOF resume at all?"

That might be the single worst question I have ever seen published in a mailbag column. Ever. This is the stuff of legends, folks. People as ignorant and clueless as Jay from Trenton don't just get their shitbag ideas published on a major sports website every day.

No. I respect the question.

Why? That question is so bad, I almost wonder if it was sent in as a joke. I really hope that's the case and that Jay in Trenton and his friends are laughing as hard as I am at King's answer. When is all is said and done, this one miss against the Chargers during a regular season game in November will have about as much impact on whether or not Vinatieri gets in to the HOF as who his favorite Spice Girl is. (Mine is Baby!)

But one blown regular-season game hardly tarnishes the resume of the best clutch kicker in NFL history.

This simple (and correct) answer is the opposite of respecting the question.

FAVRE-ULOUS. From Mark F. of Worcester, Mass.: "Saw Deanna Favre on last week's Monday Night Game. Is it bad form to note what a babe she is?"

I will relay the message and you can count on two things. One, she'll be very pleased. Two, she'll blush.

That is creepy. I think Eriz has done the best job around here of lampooning Peter's man-crush on Favre, so instead of writing my own material to make fun of it I'll just link to one of his posts. And to this Sports Pickle page (scroll about halfway down, in the middle). Who knew, though, that King also had such strong feelings for Mrs. Favre? I bet he loves them both so much that he'd hurt either if he had the chance.

TOUCHING STORY FROM A 49ERS FAN. From Phil of Toronto: "A story about Dick Nolan: I have been a Niners fan since I was 14, in 1965. In 1972, when the team made its first ever trip to nearby Buffalo following the NFL/AFL merger, I bought tickets. A couple of days prior I decided that it would be even better to drive in the day before and hopefully meet some players. Accordingly, I called the team's headquarters and asked to speak to Dick Nolan. They put me on hold and, a couple of minutes later, Dick was on the line (obviously, this is something that would never happen today).

Phil goes on to describe how Dick got him passes to the Niners' Saturday practice that weekend, and how the two of them met there and how Dick was a super nice guy. Peter, your thoughts?

I'm going to give you the biggest cliché in sports -- the apple does not fall very far from the tree.

Biggest cliche in sports? Oh, so close. Let me make like Bill Simmons and show you the "official" list of biggest sports cliches that I just made up. Then let me light myself on fire.

1. Take it one game at a time
2. Go out their and play their/our game
3. He/they just know(s) how to win
4. You can't say enough about him/this team
5. Go out there and make plays
6. It is what it is
7. They/we believe in their/ourselves and that's all that matters
8. No one believed in us/We shocked the world

.....

693: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Hmmmmm. Maybe Peter was thinking of the biggest cliche in real life, rather than in sports. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" comes in at #28 on that list. So King is still wrong, but he's much less wrong.

That's all I've got. Feel free to submit any questions you'd like us here at FireJay to answer in the comments section, and we can make our own mailbag! Hooray! Or, just leave a comment and tell us who your favorite Spice Girl is/was.