Counterpoint: Bill Simmons is an unprofessional dumbass who doesn't belong on TV

As promised last week, this is a post in which I directly address a Bill supporter's praise of Bill.  Is this article fruit that hangs as low as Bill's own work hangs?  Of course.  Chris Chase writes "For the Win," (I know...) a blog on USA Today's site (I know, I know...), which upon its launch was publicized as follows:

For The Win wants to take a BuzzFeed-style viral media approach to sports media. The new site, which will compete with rivals like Deadspin, will focus on finding “shareable” content that will be appealing even to people who don’t follow sports.

I KNOW.  I KNOW.  It's not like this is a graduate thesis that can only be ripped apart with careful and incisive analysis.  But the point is this: there really are hundreds of thousands (millions?) of assholes out there who think this stuff about Bill.  This guy is at least good enough at expressing such thoughts to get a job with a major media outlet (even if that outlet is America's foremost source of charts, infographs, and other news fit for consumption in the breakfast room of a Best Western).  To Chris Chase, I say this: your opinion about Bill Simmons is most definitely not FTW.  More like FTL lololol GOT HIM.

Bill Simmons is the best thing about ESPN's NBA Draft broadcast
By: Chris Chase

Judging by chatter on Twitter, this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but here goes: Bill Simmons was the best thing about ESPN’s NBA draft coverage on Thursday night. 

Obviously at this point I have no way of tracking what was said about Bill the night of the draft.  There may have been a lot of negative tweeting about him, but I'd be surprised if more than 25% of all fans serious enough about the NBA to watch the draft dislike him.  It's more of a vocal minority thing.  Or so I'd suppose.  I cannot validate this with anything but anecdotes and vague estimates of the number of people I know who like Bill as compared to the number I know who hate him.  What do you want me to do, put work into this blog?  Get fucking real.

The whole team was great, 

Sort of.

but particularly Simmons, 

No.

whose NBA fanboy routine plays best during the league’s annual selection show.

His NBA fanboy routine, which is really a Celtics and himself fanboy routine, never plays well.  He's awful.  Compare him to his closest analogue, Sir Charlies.  (Not that they're exactly the same, but they have the same roles on their respective NBA shows: deep "real talk" color commentary.)  Now it's tough for anyone to stack up next to Barkley, who is a national treasure, but just look at their respective levels of professionalism.  Barkley is occasionally cutting and dark with his commentary, but when he is it's always well-supported with analysis that's not just self-promotion and snarky rhetorical questions.  Meanwhile, he never 1) cheerleads for teams he played for or likes or 2) says ridiculous bullshit like whine "DO I GET TO TALK NOW????" when he's not the center of attention or drag his feuds out into the spotlight which then affects whatever broadcast he's on.  Bill Simmons doesn't belong on TV any more than I do, and my voice is nearly as annoying as his.

Simmons style, which is hit-or-miss on NBA pre-game and post-game coverage, 

Simmons style, which is hit-or-miss on NBA pre-game and post-game coverage for some reason

Fixed that for you.

is perfectly suited for the draft. He gives a fresh perspective. 

Examples?  He's not ignorant about basketball.  He's also not in any way intelligent or interesting.  He doesn't have some kind of smart eye for talent (Jeff Van Gundy), or for X's and O's (Hubie Brown).  He's just a guy who likes the sport and thinks he's always right.  He should join Wilbon and Kornheiser on PTI and make it a triumvirate of insufferable know-it-all dipshits.  Of course, we know what Wilbon thinks about BLOGGERS who write BLOGS.  But you get my point.

He’s passionate. 

Sure.  That doesn't make for especially good TV, though.

He loves the NBA and it comes across on the telecast, which is harder than it sounds. 

I don't need my commentators to love the sports they're talking about.  I just need them to not be bored, by which I mean I need them to not sound like Joe Buck.  Past that "love for the game" threshold, intelligence and insight are about a million times more important than passion.

And, above all, he’s able to convey the importance of picking players for the future while still acknowledging that it’s mostly a crapshoot.

Yeah, that's such a crazy, abstract concept.  Most fans have no idea that that's how the draft works.  Good thing future Bucks GM and Official Vertical Integration Machine of ESPN/ABC/Disney Bill Simmons is here to explain it to us.  Jesus Christ.  That sentence might as well say "I really like Bill Simmons, so let me pat him on the back for knowing what the draft is and how professional sports generally work."

Other than some new bells and whistles, draft coverage hasn’t changed much in 20 years. The first round goes something like this: pick, analysis of the pick, highlight reel, interview (if the player is there), more discussion, commercial, preview of upcoming pick, repeat 32 times. Simmons brings something new. He gives real opinions that don’t feel sanitized for mass consumption.

Yeah, Bill's great at #realtalk.  Remember all that wacky, subversive, off-the-wall analysis he provided in his most notable analytical moment so far?  Who could forget #strongtaeks like "WHOA!" and "I need medical attention!"

One moment summed up all of that. When the Boston Celtics, Simmons’ favorite team, drafted James Young, the cameras caught him doing this.

What a punchable face.  I mean, he's always got a punchable face, but that's an excellent screen cap.  That's his face at its MOST punchable.  Quite a sight.  Also, I'm glad fist pumping now counts as a "real opinion[]" that "[doesn't] feel sanitized for mass consumption."  WATCH OUT AMERICA.  HERE COMES THE JOHNNY ROTTEN OF BASKETBALL ANALYSIS.

A certain segment of the Internet hated it. They called Simmons a biased homer without any professionalism. 

And they were completely right!

Okay, let’s say that’s true. 

It is.

So what?

It makes for shitty TV.  Every fan serious enough about the NBA to watch the draft has a favorite team.  Everyone will have an opinion about what their favorite team did during the draft.  Who gives a flying cunt about this guy's opinion about his team?  How is it any different than what House-O, who was sitting next to you at the bar, had to say about what just happened?  Just because this guy was born on third base, and then caught lightning in a bottle at the onset of the sports blogosphere, it's supposed to be entertaining to see him being excited for his team while wearing a suit and sitting with actual professional sports analysts?  Go fuck yourself.

Give me an actual opinion from someone with a known bias rather than phony opinions from someone with a hidden bias. 

What hidden biases do most commentators have?  The fuck are you talking about?  This is not politics, where you have to be very careful to understand the backgrounds/motivations of the talking heads on TV.  This is sports.  I promise you, Jalen Rose and Doug Collins are not coloring their analysis with carefully chosen positive or negative buzzwords for guys that were drafted by teams they like/dislike.  It's not hard to remain unbiased as a sports commentator.  Sports are fun.  Maybe Jalen hates the Bulls for the way they traded him to Toronto.  You think that's going to affect what he says about a guy the Bulls drafted?  Again, go fuck yourself.

There are conflicts of interest often in sports broadcasting, not just on ESPN. You think Jon Gruden doesn’t pull punches on Monday Night Football so as not to insult a team he might be criticizing? 

You fucking IDIOT.  Have you ever watched a Gruden MNF broadcast?  GRUDEN ADORES EVERY SINGLE PLAYER AND TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!  He won't shut the fuck up about how great everyone is.  He can make Blaine Gabbert sound like Joe Montana.  And this isn't some secret, hidden talent that Gruden spent years honing.  It comes naturally to him, because he's not a dipshit.  Bill IS a dipshit.  That's the whole problem here.  Jesus Christ.  Of ALL the examples you could have chosen to try to prop up your shitty argument that commentators have biases that cause them to "pull punches" or whatever, none of which would be good examples because basically no national commentator does that, you chose the worst possible one.

Or that recently retired players are easier on former teammates because they’re buddies? 

First of all, that doesn't apply during the draft.  Second of all, when it does apply (like if the ESPN Sunday Countdown crew is discussing the Ravens with Ray Lewis on the set or something), nearly always the other analysts will go out of their way to make the situation as unawkward as possible by not forcing the recently retired guy to give an opinion, or by prefacing whatever he's about to say with "Now I know you have some friends on the team."  And even after all that happens, you know what?  Often, the player will give a pretty reasonable and insightful opinion (as much as you can have insightful opinions on telecasts like NFL pregame shows, which is not at all) on the team/player in question.  It's just not that hard to do.  Bill Simmons is not a shining beacon of objectivity in a sea of bullshit.  TV sports analysis is actually pretty much a sea of bullshit, but Simmons isn't just a part of it.  He makes it worse by not even managing to act like an adult on set.  Fuck him and fuck his fans.

Simmons made his career partially built on his ability to be a fan whose passion was relatable.

That was pretty novel in 1998.  It's not novel anymore, and he's gone from a self-deprecating "aw shucks, Boston sports break my heart all the time" guy to a pompous, self-obsessed twat.  Let's stop giving him credit for the original Boston Sports Guy shit he wrote during the Clinton administration.

Simmons loving Larry Bird hardly measures up to that. 

Actually, I'm glad you brought up that point to undermine your own point, because you know what?  Simmons and his love for Bird absolutely DO measure up to the idea (again, not applicable during the NBA draft) that maybe sometimes Bill Cowher goes easy on the Steelers or whatever.

This is sports. People are supposed to be biased homers. As long as you wear that opinion proudly, who’s it harming? 

Here's a better question: who's it helping?  Who's enjoying it, other than unoriginal waterheads who think Simmons is fantastic?

Wouldn’t you rather hear that diehard Celtics fan Bill Simmons like the James Young pick rather than the usual bland analysis about how James Young could possibly fit into Brad Stevens’ system? 

Not at all!  Not even a little bit!

That fist pump told you more about the Young pick than any commentary could. 

Holy shit.

It doesn’t mean Simmons is right, but at least we know where he actually stands and can form our own opinion based on that. 

No we can't.  No we fucking can't.  We can't form shit based on that, unless for some reason we're dumb enough to think Bill has a better grasp on NBA prospects than actual analysts like Chad Ford.  Who gives a bloody, runny shit about what Bill Simmons thinks?  Again, I mean, other than his fanboys.

Sometimes that may lead to arguments with Doc Rivers, like on last year’s telecast. Again, isn’t that more interesting than the alternative?

That was better than if Simmons gladhanded Rivers, I suppose, but read the Bleacher Report article I linked above--the way Simmons beat up on Rivers for years, and more or less baited him with a series of tweets prior to the draft, was pathetic.  It was more car-crash-can't-look-away interesting than oh-cool-something-real-and-fun interesting.

There are problems, of course. His rants can quickly devolve into whininess, he interrupts way too much and you always get the sense he doesn’t know as much about the college players as he lets on. 

Haha, no way, don't be silly!  You sound like someone who has maybe actually paid attention to stuff Bill has been saying throughout his career and have thus reached the inevitable conclusion that he shouldn't be paid for his opinions or analysis, much less be paid to talk about them on TV.

The last part isn’t his fault. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Simmons was paying attention to the NBA from October to June. That’s his job. 

Yeah!  Who has time to, like, KNOW stuff about college basketball when they're busy doing a few hours of TV and a couple podcasts a week?  HE'S NOT SUPERMAN, PEOPLE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF HIM???  Well, for one, I'd rather he didn't just make shit up.  But I suppose that's asking a lot from the guy who has successfully completed over 1,000 WHO SAYS NO? trades on the ESPN Trade Machine (TM)(Patent pending).

Even if he locked himself in a room and watched game tape for the 11 days in between the end of the NBA Finals and the start of the NBA draft, he wouldn’t know nearly enough about the draftees. 

Actually, that's not true.  If he did that for 11 days straight, he'd definitely know enough about them to not sound like a diptard on TV.  HOWEVA: there is a prerequisite to that hypothetical coming to pass.  In order for any of this to happen, he'd have to be capable of gleaning knowledge about players by watching tape, something I'm 100% sure he is not able to do.  So this is all ifs and buts and candies and nuts.

But that’s why Jay Bilas is on the set.

Jay Bilas is on the set to know things.  Bill is on the set to pump his fist for the Celtics and pretend to know things.  I wonder which one of them has a higher salary?

Speaking of Bilas, he’s part of a team that helps Simmons thrive. 

I'm so, so, so sorry Jay.  Years and years of hard work, pounding pavement, attending hundreds of NCAA games--all so you could one day serve as Bill's caddy.  Holy dog balls, that's depressing.

You can’t have a bunch of me-first guys on the floor, 

You really shouldn't have ANY me-first guys on the floor.  This is why Shaq doesn't quite fit with Ernie, Kenny and Charles.  Shaq still needs that attention.  The other three don't (nor does Chris Webber for that matter).

so it helps that the always-underrated Rece Davis is there to keep Simmons in check. 

I like Rece Davis.  This blog is often so virulently negative that I felt like throwing that it, with no caveats.  Rece Davis is damn good at his job.  There, I said it.

Bilas is great too; he shows you can combine perspective, a sense of humor and keen knowledge of players. 

Three things Simmons doesn't have!

Jalen Rose is the weak link on the panel. He’s still trying to find his schtick, but he has a good rapport with Simmons and doesn’t immediately make you want to change the channel like half of ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown crew.

NFL Sunday Countdown is terrible.  Rose is pretty OK.  Simmons is terrible.

Richard Deistch of Sports Illustrated says the NBA Countdown team is in flux for next year. Here’s hoping Simmons stays around and continues to breathe some life into a format that desperately needs it.

I'd rather watch the WNBA draft than watch another NBA draft with Simmons on the set.  He sucks.  In conclusion, Chris Chase is a dummy.

Jonah Keri does not show us the funny

Jonah's annual MLB trade value column came out a couple weeks ago (ZOMG SIMMONS IS A GENIUS THIS IS THE BEST LISTICLE OF ALL TIME).  I give his analysis a B-plus, it's fine.  I give his ability to write coherently a C-minus, it is slipshod at best.  And most importantly, I give his sense of humor an F-minus, because it's fucking terrible.  Let's dive right in to his rundown of guys who were in the top 50 last year but fell out this year.

Meanwhile, it's time to retire Keith Law's brilliant "Sliced bread is actually the best thing since Matt Wieters" (41) meme … 

Keith Law is a gaping asshole, and there is nothing brilliant about anything he has ever done, perhaps other than convince people that he's an amazing baseball analyst.  That joke is terrible, Keith is terrible, and I hope he loses every writing gig he has before the year is out.  (Check the comments for PNoles's obligatory defense of Keith, because... well, I have no idea why PNoles defends Keith.  Keith fucking sucks.)

Desmond Jennings (39) improved his power, batting eye, and contact skills in 2013 and offers four more years of team control, so leaving him off this (stacked) list could wind up looking really stupid … 

Classic Simmonism: make arbitrary list.  Question own decisions in crafting said list, as if something is at stake, or worse, as if it wasn't possible to put an extra 15 seconds into re-ordering said list before publishing if desired.  Collect enormous paycheck.

Justin Upton (38) might have already delivered his best season, 

Almost certainly.  Fuck Justin Upton and fuck anyone who gave him serious MVP consideration in 2011.  No, I am not ready to let that go.

and his brother was the worst outfielder in the NL last season, ruining another excellent meme … 

That's not a meme.  It's a bit.  The Weithers thing was not a meme either, but at least this Upton one isn't horribly unclever.


Brett Lawrie (21) and Dylan Bundy (20) are Exhibits A and B for why we shouldn't overrate prospects until they actually start producing; and yes, I'm a terrible, Canadian-loving homer 

I mean, admitting it is nice and all, but the other option is to stop journalistically tonguing Alex Anthopoulos's balls and realize that the Blue Jays continue to be a mediocre team with mediocre management, no matter how many SUPER ULTRA GENIUS moves they make.  Anthopoulos is the AL's answer to Jack Zduriencik (Remember him?  He's the guy who invented RUN PREVENTION and took the 2010 Mariners to the Super Bowl!).

Also, all fans of all teams in all sports overrate prospects, but baseball fans are undoubtedly the worst about it.  The reasons are obvious (takes much longer for prospects to develop relative to other sports, takes longer for teams to go for bad to good relative to other sports), but that doesn't mean every fan who lights up a message board with a comment to the effect of "[My favorite team] would never trade [name of prospect who is at least two years from MLB and will probably never make it] for [established and available above average player].  [Name is prospect] is a sure thing." shouldn't be shot out of a circus cannon into an alligator pit.

[Shelby Miller] faded in the second half, which isn't that unusual for a pitcher tossing more innings than ever before. Then the Curious Case of the Disappearing Shelby happened, 

Is that a joke?  If so, no points awarded.

with the Cardinals opting to use Bob Forsch, Dane Iorg, 

Hooray for unremarkable players from the 80s!  Hope Jonah paid Pearlman his royalty fees for using that bit.

and a plate of toasted ravioli rather than put Miller in a postseason game.

TOASTED RAVIOLI!  THAT'S GOLD, JONAH!  GOLD!

44. Jonathan Lucroy, C, Milwaukee Brewers (NR): The Brewers owe Lucroy a total of $9 million over the next three years, or $14.25 million over the next four assuming they pick up his option in 2017. Here's a list of the things Lucroy would have to do to fail to earn that contract:

1. Hit .024 with 400 strikeouts and 968 errors

2. Suffer a career-ending stubbed toe tomorrow

3. Say the word "Smaug" 17,227 times in a row until someone stabs him

I'm not saying I've never used hyperbole to sell a joke.  But come on, what Jonah just wrote is terrible.  It's fucking horrible.  Especially the last part.  Jesus H. Christ-that line is Easterbrookian.

Given the flashier names around Lucroy on this list, he might seem out of place at first glance. But if anything, this ranking feels a little low.

More patented Simmons second guessing your own arbitrary ranking cow shit.  Infuriating.  YOU KNOW I THINK I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE, BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I'M ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN MYSELF AND THUS AM MAKING ERRORS THAT MYSELF IS UNABLE TO CATCH.  Fucking barf.

He delivered offense 5 percent better than the league average, excellent defense, and the health and stamina to play 138 games. After that campaign, [Salvador] Perez's contract looks even more unbelievable. Like, it's actually impossible to believe. The Royals owe Perez $1.5 million in 2014, $1.75 million in 2015, and $2 million in 2016. KC then has a $3.75 million club option for 2017, followed by a $5 million option for 2018 and a $6 million option for 2019, which would normally be Perez's first two years of free agency. That's $20 million for his next six seasons, for a four-win player.

WHAT?  A PRE-ARB PLAYER SIGNED A TEAM FRIENDLY CONTRACT TO GUARANTEE HIMSELF FINANCIAL SECURITY IN EXCHANGE FOR REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF MONEY HE COULD HAVE COMMANDED IF HE MAINTAINED HIS HEALTH AND SKILL AND GOT TO FREE AGENCY?  THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.  

I mean, of course that contract is very team friendly.  The Royals are getting a great deal.  But to call it "actually impossible to believe" is actually really fucking dumb.

32. Jurickson Profar, SS, Texas Rangers (18); 31. Xander Bogaerts, SS, Boston Red Sox (NR):

Remember how Brett Lawrie and Dylan Bundy were high on last year's list?  This time around, Jonah promises to stop overrating prospects.

18. Troy Tulowitzki, SS, Colorado Rockies (23): I live in Denver. I'm at Coors Field a lot. Last fall, I spent two hours talking to de facto Rockies general manager Bill Geivett about … everything, really. And I still have no idea what the Rockies are doing, other than making arguably the best party atmosphere in and around any ballpark even better. This winter's Tulowitzki dance continues that theme. Tulo's name came up in trade rumors with the Cardinals, a team with enough talent to revitalize the Rockies' stockpile of good, young players and potentially set Colorado up with its best starting rotation ever. Instead, the Rockies more or less came out and said Tulo isn't going anywhere under any circumstances. 

A) Tulowitzki's extension, signed in 2011 and good through 2021, is fairly team friendly.  Even with his injury problems, which are overstated most of the time because most baseball fans are mouth breathers, he's a pretty safe bet to provide more value than it pays him over the duration.  In 2010 he put up 6.7 rWAR in 122 games.  Last year he put up 5.3 rWAR in 128 games.  I'll pay that guy $20MM a year (as he'll be paid from 2015 through 2019), even if I expect him to miss time, no problem.  He will have to move away from SS eventually, which will hurt his value, but that doesn't change the overall likelihood that the extension works out well for the Rockies.  

2) Just because the Cardinals were sniffing around doesn't mean there was any kind of a decent deal to be had.  If the Cardinals' management has a mentality anything like any of the Best Fans In Baseball who provided internet insight on the possibility of their team scooping up Tulo, it would be the worst trade in history if they offered any of their 10 best prospects, because LOLCOORZ (Tulo career on the road: .276/.348/.471) and INJUREEZ (see above).  I don't think any rational Rockies fan gave even a passing thought to the idea of trading him for future assets. And as far as current assets goes, he's one of the best in the game, and is locked up for the rest of his career to a good contract.  

D) Describing a passing and unsubstantiated rumor that the SS-needy Cardinals had interest in the best SS in baseball, who happens to play for a non-playoff team, as "this winter's Tulowitzki dance" is embarrassingly terrible analysis.

So, OK, they see an open window over the next two or three years, with Tulo and CarGo in their primes. But then why did they just trade Dexter Fowler for a bucket of beans?

Who knows, it was probably a bad trade, but the Rockies have had success recently in converting some "plenty of potential but no real results" young arms into decent SPs in recent years (Jorge de la Rosa, Tyler Chatwood).  Fowler has the same injury problems Tulowitzki does, and is of course not nearly the player Tulowitzki is.  He's also streaky, getting hot for a few weeks and then disappearing for a few weeks, which isn't the end of the world when the end of year results are above average, but hurts a little more when it's your leadoff hitter doing it as opposed to someone lower in the lineup.  

Further, Gonzalez is a natural CF who is ready to take over, and corner OFs (to replace Gonzalez in LF) aren't exactly hard to find.  They're probably going to run a platoon of Corey Dickerson (.819 OPS against righties last year as a rookie) and Drew Stubbs (never quite blossomed fully, but career .796 OPS against lefties) out there, and they used the money they would have owed Fowler to sign Justin Morneau to play 1B (which was a tire fire last year).  THAT move could also blow up, but if you give the situation more than just a cursory look, it's easy to see how all the moves fit together.  Sheesh.

Yes, I know you can tell that I'm a Rockies fan, and that you don't give a fuck about that fact or the Rockies themselves.  Let me have my moment tearing Jonah down.  It's the least you can do for me.

None of those moves or non-moves is that bad in isolation; Tulo is a superstar who, even when he plays only 130 games a year, is still the best shortstop in baseball and one of the 20 best players in the majors, and Fowler is a perfectly fine player who also has gigantic home/road splits. The bigger issue is that management doesn't seem to have much of a tangible plan, other than keeping its biggest star in town so fans will keep lining up to buy $12 microbrews on sunny afternoons and the club can keep raking in gigantic gobs of money that it pretends not to have.

That's the most cynical, retarded viewpoint on how an MLB team should manage its assets I've ever read.  Jonah is apparently one of those IF YOU DON'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BLOW IT ALL UP AND START OVER PROSPECTS ARE AWESOME guys.  What a dope.

15. Stephen Strasburg, SP, Washington Nationals (8): Strasburg falls a few spots from last year, since there's now at least a little doubt over his ability to take over the world. There's the still-tough-to-fathom innings-limit gambit of 2012, which sparks doubt over whether there was something else at play aside from a shot-in-the-dark guess at his appropriate workload in the thick of a pennant race.

What?  What the hell else could have been at play?  Someone in the Nationals front office ordering a shutdown so he could profit from betting against the team's postseason chances?  That decision was astonishingly dumb, but I'm 100% certain it was motivated solely by a shot-in-the-dark guess at Strasburg's appropriate workload.

13. Madison Bumgarner, SP, San Francisco Giants (27): Bumgarner should have ranked higher last year, so we're correcting matters this time.

Pretty much every player should have been ranked differently than they were on last year's list.  Please stop trying to sound like you've finally cracked the trade value code and are providing 100% accurate information, as opposed to last year when you were only providing barely-educated guesses.

12. Yadier Molina, C, St. Louis Cardinals (44): Wins Above Replacement underrates Molina, maybe severely.

CHECK OUT HIS CATCHER ERA!  ALSO HE FRAMES PITCHES A LOT!  Fucking gag me.  Not saying there's no value to pitch framing or "handling the staff," but to say Molina is "severely underrated" by any metric is laughable.  He's been a 6ish rWAR player these last two years.  I'm pretty sure he's not really actually a 10 rWAR player or something ridiculous like that.  He's not Barry fucking Bonds.

For now, though, Molina just might be the best player in the NL.

No.  He's not, and he's not in the top 5.  He might not be in the top 10.

5. Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants (4); 4. Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays (5): There are always what-ifs in baseball, especially when it comes to the draft. But given the success the Rays had with their top picks in 2006 (Longoria) and 2007 (Price), we might need to give a team of scientists 100 years to figure out how Tampa Bay chose Tim Beckham over Buster Posey with its top pick in 2008.

No team has ever had mixed success with high draft picks!  It's impossible to believe it happened to the Rays!  Like, literally impossible to believe!

When SI's Tom Verducci wrote about Harper back in 2009, he called the Las Vegas–based teenager "Baseball's LeBron," adding: "Golf has Tiger Woods, basketball has LeBron James, hockey had Wayne Gretzky and military history had Alexander the Great, but baseball, like jazz, is a discipline that does not easily engender prodigies … So good and so young is Bryce Harper, however, that he explodes baseball convention." Those words weren't just hosannas from a seasoned and well-respected writer; they reflected the opinion of every talent evaluator in baseball. When Verducci revisited Harper in May of last year, right after Harper's major league debut, it was impossible to overlook the irony involved. "Harper's debut was the most anticipated debut in baseball history," Verducci wrote, "if only because of the volume, scope, and speed of coverage we give professional sports." Basically, Harper is megahyped because Verducci and I and everyone else who writes about the sport drools over Harper's ability.

IRONIC IRONY!  Good job by Jonah of 1) misusing that, 2) not grasping that there's nothing weird (let alone ironic) about a writer doing a profile of a megaprospect and then three years later noting that lots of people were eager to see said megaprospect reach MLB, and 3) incorrectly crystalizing his own point, awkwardly flailing and ultimately failing to give any insight into the feedback loop of hype he's trying to describe.  Good effort, Jonah.  Better luck next year.  At least you put Mike Trout at #1 on the list.  

No One Has Posted In a While. Better Pick on Simmons to Make Up for It, I Guess

As always, the standard Simmons post disclaimer applies: yes, I am extremely jealous of him. I only pick on him because I want to be him. In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room. Right next to my Bill Simmons poster, and a signed copy of every book he's ever written. In fact, as I type this post from my parents' basement, I'm wearing my Bill Simmons pajamas. Because he's the funniest and best sportswriter ever.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, a Boston reader named Zeke S. slapped some sense into me last week: "Simmons, you know that there are children who haven't seen a mailbag by you all decade!?!?!?"

Bill Simmons and the sycophants who enable him, everyone! As usual, I won't link his column. Find it yourself if you want to, and would rather read about pop culture than sports.

Re: the AFC Championship Game

What shocked me most: I was sitting there expecting Manning to come through … a player I always assumed would choke in big moments as recently as four years ago.

Of course you did. Because you're a stupid clod who is constantly making up rules, and manifestos, and guidelines, and fucking whatever else you can to help you try to predict the future. Because you're smart! There MUST be a formula out there for picking winners, there's GOTTA be one! If anyone can figure it out, it's you! There MUST be a way to help us predict with certainty what a QB will do every single time he faces a high pressure situation in the playoffs! The best part is that you never can quite figure out that there isn't a gambling manifesto to be written, and there isn't a way to be sure a QB will do X or Y under pressure. So you keep guessing and prognosticating, year after year after year. It's a complete and total train wreck. And I love it. I can't wait for him to fail at predicting anything and everything next NFL season. Looking forward to it already.

There's a bunch more stuff in here fluffing Manning (relative to Brees), and I'd love to include it in this post since the Saints just finished off the Colts, but that'd be kind of lame. If I were going to pick on him for that I should have done it before the game. Needless to say, his Super Bowl prediction was... wrong. Completely. And based on the idea that Manning, literally the only player in the game to make a crucial mistake, was too good to bet against. Now, am I saying Manning is a choky choke artist who always chokes under pressure because he's a choker who makes the Peyton face? Of course not. In general, I'd bet on him in a game against pretty much anyone. But if any team was going to beat his, it was one QBed by someone on his level, with an opportunistic defense that took risks to generate turnovers. I am smart and Bill Simmons is a tard. The end. Let's get on to the rest of the crap in his mailbag.

Q: Where does Mike Dunleavy stepping down rank in your greatest moments as a Clippers season-ticket holder?
--Dan, St. Paul, Minn.

You know what really killed Dunleavy? The 2009-10 Portland Trail Blazers. He couldn't rope Donald Sterling and L.A.'s front office into the whole "we'd be doing great if we didn't have all these injuries!" excuse for the fourth time in seven years as the decimated Blazers keep chugging along toward 50 wins while losing a key guy every other week.

Yeah, that must have been it. Comparisons between his team and another team in a different division dealing with a totall different injury-related situation. Sterling wasn't really focused too much on the Clippers and their problems, independently; he was a lot more worried about whether they were playing like the Blazers. Or the Bucks. Or some team with a bunch of injuries in the Italian league. This is like saying "Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions related to the JFK assassination, but you know what's really crazy about it? No one knows what Kennedy had for breakfast that day."

Q: Since the Clippers removed Dunleavy from coaching, I would love it if you could compare your jubilation, relief, and/or excitement to a movie scene. Are we talking "Shawshank" when Andy has made it out of the sewer pipe? "Goonies" when they rip up the contract? Lots of places to go here.
--Greg, Haddam, Conn.

More enabling. Die, Greg. I think a lot of my hatred for Simmons would fade if he didn't have such a giant army of loyal assholes encouraging him at every turn to keep doing the same tired and unimaginative shit he's been doing for the past X years. Say Bill, when the Patriots got buttfucked by the Ravens in the playoffs this year, could you compare it to a moment in Red Sox history between 1951 and 2003? And reference Jersey Shore in the same paragraph? Thanks. Signed, some jagmo from New Hampshire.

I found out about Dunleavy in a fairly memorable way -- while driving from Washington to Miami with my buddy House for the Audi Efficiency Challenge. (Note: Our 14-hour journey raised $20,000 for the Red Cross in Haiti. I drove the first 700 miles before coming out to a standing ovation.

THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME! EVERYONE LIKES ME! Where was the meteor that cheering crowd of Simmonsites so desperately deserved?

Q: Troy Aikman's dull monotone must be exactly the same as Hannibal Lecter talking to Miggs before he killed himself.
--Mike W., Louisville

SG: (dull monotone) You're exactly right, Mike.

Hey-ohhhh! Movie reference, right back at you, Mike! YOUR MOVE.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read.

Re: the possibility that Kevin Garnett is injured beyond repair, after he wasted his prime in Minnesota and only at the end of his run played for a decent team

Can you complain if you're a Celtics fan? Of course not.

But of course you're about to.

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months. Of course …

Of course you're about to complain.

Q: If you could go back in time "Lost"-style and fix the 2007 lottery so the Celtics landed the second pick, would you keep what happened (No. 5 pick, KG trade, 2008 title, everything else that happened up to now), or would you switch it so that they ended up with the No. 2 pick and Durant?
--Dr. Bill Simmons, Boston

Wow. When he can't find any readers to enable him, he simply enables himself with a pompous "pseudonym."

SG: OK, I fibbed that one. My dad asked me that on the phone this week. And we both came to the same conclusion pretty quickly: You'd have to go with Durant.

Of course. Because winning a title isn't enough. I'll give him this, though- he nailed that Durant/Oden thing. Probably. Almost definitely.

And if you remember, the 2007 Celts had a decent nucleus in place already (Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, the rights to Minnesota's No. 1) and easily could have turned a couple of those assets into Pau Gasol a couple of months later.

Gasol + Brian Scalabrine = double the number of white guys on the Celtics roster! That's really what this is about.

Q: How is it possible that Greg Oden beat out Ron Artest to become the first NBA player to have naked pictures show up on the Internet? If Vegas had odds on this, what would they have been? I'm thinking Artest at 6:5, Oden more like 38,901,257:1.
--Frank, Long Island

SG: Agreed. Total shocker. Although it did allow me to make the "they weren't kidding when they said Oden's legs were different sizes" joke. And look, I hate to cry conspiracy here, but have you ever noticed that every time a photograph or sex tape gets leaked of a naked male celebrity -- I have to put this gently -- it turns out that the guy had nothing to be ashamed of? Why aren't any of these guys ever built like the guy who pops out of the trunk in "The Hangover"? It's an amazing ongoing "coincidence."

Bill, you have a tiny penis. Everyone else just looks big by comparison. Man, I'm getting really lowbrow here. I'm not proud of it. But this is the kind of thing that happens when I realize no one has posted in a while, and I go to ESPN's front page to find something to pick apart.

SG: That's not a good sign for the Oscar hopes of "Avatar" -- that two reality stars ended up being the highlight of your night. But I'm glad you brought up "Jersey Shore."

Of course you are. You know nothing about sports outside of the NBA (which you don't know that much about in the first place) and the Red Sox/Yankees.

Q: Why is Brett Favre's career better than Kurt Warner's again? Every single statistic that is a "rate" favors Warner as well as career QB rating. Favre playoff record: 12-10. Warner playoff record: 8-3. Why do we stalk Favre's land manor every winter and we're going to let Warner go in peace?
--Dan, New York

SG: Because people care about Brett Favre.

Question comprehension fail.

Q: Remember when Rex Ryan was screaming at the officials during the AFC Championship Game (but we couldn't hear what he was saying)? This is what we yelled at the TV. "I SAID TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!" "WHO ORDERED THAT SALAD?!?" "SLOPPY JOES!" I would have to say that everybody watching across America probably said something to that effect. What else would have been funny?
--Neal, Seattle

SG: I'm going with "Get in my belly!!!!" or "Get … in … my … belllllllllly!"

Like that character from that movie that was relevant ten years ago! I'm pretty sure Bill is on the writing staff for those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Awful Parody Movie movies. LOL WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY'RE DOING IN THE ORIGINAL, BUT MORE SILLIER!

Q: Imagine if LeBron started a complete new trend starting in 2010 where he just decided, "Eff it, I'm winning a ring EVERY year" and signed one-year contracts EVERY YEAR for the biggest contender with cap space that could afford him. In true LeBron style, he begins a completely new type of superstar -- the "Superstar Hitman." It's as if we could have the 2010 LeBron sweepstakes EVERY YEAR! Can you imagine?
--Chris S., Brisbane, Australia

SG: Don't laugh -- you might see a modified version of that.

OK, there's no doubt that the NBA and its union are heading into some seriously choppy seas. There might be a strike, or a lockout, and there will certainly be a new CBA with some new rules in it. But this email reminds me of the column Bill put out last year in which he surmised that something like 10 NBA teams would contract within the next couple of years. Man, I need to go back and find that for a good laugh. Classic Simmons- take a somewhat interesting topic- make up a bunch of bullshit to go around it- come to a ridiculous conclusion which makes no sense and really exposes your ignorance and hubris- publish- profit. God I love America.

Might as well Beat the Hell out of this Joke

Rachel Nichols with a fascinating update (current as of 3 PM EST Monday)!

Brett Favre continues to wrestle with a decision on whether to come out of retirement, agent Bus Cook told ESPN's Rachel Nichols on Monday.

I think you mean "wrassle" with a decision. Also, if there's one person in professional sports who deserves to be attacked by an even angrier swarm of bees than Brett Favre, it's Bus Cook.

Favre told The Associated Press earlier this month that he'll give the Minnesota Vikings an answer on whether he'll play by the July 30 start of training camp.

Does anyone actually take this guy at his word anymore? How the fuck could you? How could you watch what he's done in the press over the course of the past, say, three years, and believe a single thing he says? Preaching to the choir, I know.

At issue for Favre is whether he's really up to the mental and physical requirements of a long season in which he'll turn 40 years old.

Also at issue are the number of happy endings he can negotiate out of Peter King and company.

The quarterback's friends and family say they are leaving this decision solely up to him and will be supportive no matter which way he goes.

I wish just one of them would crack him a good one right across the face and shout "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON. GET OVER YOURSELF AND EITHER PLAY OR DON'T. DECIDE RIGHT THIS SECOND. NOW. NOW NOW NOW." /slapslapslapslapslap

"AND DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TALK TO THE MEDIA AGAIN."

In the meantime Favre is poking some fun at his own indecisiveness in a new advertisement for Sears that will run in September. Cook told ESPN that Favre shot the ad last Monday.

God help us all. I'd rather hear "saved by zero" incessantly for five more months.

Rachel Nichols is a reporter for ESPN.

Go have her report on something, then.

Jemele Hill: Only Obnoxious When She Writes About Race, Which Is All the Damn Time

Her contract at ESPN runs out pretty soon, I believe. And it's probably a fair bet that it won't be renewed. So I'm feeling compelled to jump all over pretty much anything she does between now and whenever she is shown the door. In the midst of a relatively unterrible piece about white running backs, we find this gem:

Many of us watch sports not caring if the men on the field are purple or magenta, as long as they produce.

Yes. Many of us. But not you, obviously. You're only allowed to write sentences like that if you yourself are included in the "many" you're referring to. If anyone, and I mean anyone cares about what color the men on the field are, it's the spicily named Ms. Hill.

Actually, now that I look at her exact wording, maybe she's not being a hypocrite here. Maybe she really doesn't care what color a player is as long as he or she produces. The hypocritical thing to say would have been:

Many of us watch sports not caring if the men on the field are purple or magenta, as long as they are all held to the same standard for their off-the-field conduct.

Yeah. It would be a massive lie if she implied she subscribed to that idea.

In case you can't tell what I'm getting at, it's that Jemele Hill is a racist.

It's a Peter King Column- Who Or What Do You Think He'll Be Talking About

Did you guess puppies? Maybe impressionist paintings? A certain Southern gentleman who's been known to endorse inexpensive jeans? Hmmmmmm......

Quote of the Week V

"I'm retired ... Something's bound to happen.''

--Brett Favre, on The David Letterman Show on Thursday night.

Remember Chauncey Gardner, the Peter Sellers-played savant in Being There who made plain pronouncements that somehow world leaders began taking as life-altering parables? (You had to see it. Too complicated to explain if you haven't.)

Sounds like it probably wouldn't need to be explained if you had seen the movie. But thanks. Excellent journalism here.

Sometimes we try to turn things into Favreisms.

I don't remember ever doing that.

Too many things. The best thing we all can do -- and this comes from someone who has majored in Favre-ology --

With a minor in Romo-nomics!

I would like to immediately apologize for that.

is just sit back and see what happens. Favre doesn't know what his future holds, only that he's 85 or 90 percent sure he'll never play another snap of football.

Look at Peter, offering estimates and numbers and odds. I love it. Where did he get that? What was that number at back in March? Where will it be in August? I hope we get updates on it. Personally, I give Favre a 50%-ish chance of coming back. But I wouldn't say that to King's face, particularly if he were holding a hot beverage.

Ten Things I Think I Think

3b. Why is the lead item on the ESPN scroll during the first hour of the predraft show about Brett Favre appearing on the cover of the Madden video game? Other than pimping a sponsor, what remote news value does that have?

Why is he upset about this? Maybe because it reminds him that Brett theoretically won't be playing next fall? What a double edged sword any visage of #4 must be to King.

9. I think I've got two sporting bets on whether Brett Favre plays again. I say no. He'd better not play. I've got $3 at stake here.

Said with all the intentional insincerity of a guy who's like "Boy, I sure hope I don't end up dating a Victoria's Secret model at any point- she'd be making more money than me, and that would be awkward!"

This is officially the worst post in FJayM history, but I felt obligated to point out that Peter King mentioned Brett Favre three separate times in a column that came out the day after the NFL Draft. Now, to be fair, he also included a fair amount of draft coverage as well. And most of it was inoffensively mediocre. But shouldn't that have been enough subject matter for a column? Do we really need the Favre stuff, too? I would humbly argue that we do not. And by "humbly argue," I mean, write very poorly on an irrelevant blog that has four regular readers.

It's Almost Baseball Season!

So a friend mailed me a copy of Lindy's baseball preview. I've been reading it this morning. It's a terrible magazine. For every player, there's a little section where they fill you in on each player's "Significant Stats/Injuries". Here are a few of their SIGNIFICANT stats:

David Eckstein, SS, Blue Jays
Was successful on all eight steal attempts against righthanders.

Seriously?

Frank Thomas, DH, Blue Jays
Takes umbrage at every called strike on the inner part of the plate.

The Lindy's staff members must have been taking SAT classes - the only place in the world where anyone actually uses the word "umbrage".

Aaron Cook, RHP, Rockies
Tied for fourth in the NL with two complete games!

Tied with seven other guys!

Brad Hawpe, RF, Rockies
Had a streak of at least 26 games with at least one strikeout!

Next on ESPN: the HawpeWatch... CAN HE DO IT? We'll cut live to EVERY HAWPE AT BAT to see if he can break the ALL TIME RECORD.... which I am too lazy to look up.

Matt Lindstrom, RHP, Marlins
Spent time sleeping on the floor, then on a piece of plywood and egg crates to help his sore back, but still finished second on the staff with 71 appearances!

US Egg stock is up 4 points on this news. Marlins fans surge to the ballpark to see their new eggstraordinary closer-in-the-making!

Yovani Gallardo, RHP, Brewers
Became the third Brewers pitcher to hit multiple HRs in a season.

Sounds to me like he has his epitaph already written.

Moises Alou, LF, Mets
Can't throw.

Shit. He plays in the wrong league, I guess.

Jamie Moyer, LHP, Phillies
Has 230 career victories, 59th all-time.

Next on ESPN: MoyerWatch. Jamie is on pace to pass the immortal Frank Tanana by May 13th!

Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees
Became the first player since Roger Maris in 1961 to lead MLB in HRs, RBI and runs. Has a .159 BA in the playoffs over the past three years.

He sucks!

Kyle Farnsworth, RHP, Yankees
Easy to follow.

Next time you're driving to Yankee Stadium and you don't know how to get there, make sure you get behind Farnsworth. He's easy to follow.

Brad Ausmus, C, Astros
Had three 3Bs, matching his combined total from the three previous season.

Forecast: Brad Ausmus has a breakout 2008 where he hits SIX triples.

Paul Lo Duca, C, Nationals
Caught Tom Glavine's 300th career victory.

Wow.

Jermaine Dye, OF, White Sox
Thinks along with the pitcher.

This seems dangerous to me. Suppose he comes up in a crucial situation and Fausto Carmona is thinking about the hookers in his hotel room after the game. Poor Jermaine might get distracted. Hmm. Perhaps this explains Dye's shitty 2007. Pitchers caught on to this and deliberately thought about hot girls.

Strangely, Jermaine Dye has a 1.500 OPS against Kris Benson. Hmph. Go figure. I hate stats. Always disproving my theories.

Brendan Harris, 2B, Twins
Tends to grow on you.

Brendan Harris is like athlete's foot. Or a chia pet.

29 more days till the Reds kick it off against the D-Backs. Get excited!

Let's Write A Dr. Z Mailbag Column

Reader Joe writes from, surprise surprise, Green Bay to complain that I unfairly dogged Brett Favre in my article, "Hall of Fame? I wouldn't go that Favre." Before you get all crazy and go eat some Cheese, let me point out Joe, that I merely said I wouldn't vote for Favre for the Hall of Fame, not that he doesn't deserve to be there. It's too early to tell how Favre's career will end, but part of being a Hall of Famer is being good in every single season you've ever played in and having no off-the-field issues whatsoever. Now I remember back in the days of Bart Starr---when I was finishing up college (Because I'm old! But not that old!!!) a quarterback would retire as soon as he started chowing down painkiller's like they were slices of Mrs. Z's famous garlic bread.

What's that you say Joe? Brett Favre's had an illustrious career? Well, sure he has, but I'm just going on my gut here, and to paraphrase my old friend Terrell Owens, if he looks like a lousy player and he smells like a lousy player, he must be a lousy player. A good player should age like a fine burgundy, not turn to vinegar like a lousy cabernet (by the way for a great cabernet that will age well, like, say Joe Montana [a first ballot hall of famer in my book!],go to Red Castle Vineyards, take Highway 47 to Napa then get off on Route 76 first left... you can't miss it!).