I Don't Particularly Like Manny But......

As it is written, he whom Jay Mariotti attacketh like a man who hath no intelligence, pnoles defendeth.

Fans Glorifying Manny Need to Get a Life

Hear that all you baseball fans who like baseball? Get a new hobby, losers!

Here comes the standard Jay Mariotti "shit-for-brains-audience" recap....the one that he gives in every article to take up space that consists of news everyone already knows. It really is a lack of respect for the readers to do this every time.

Just to refresh your memory, Manny Ramirez is a shamed steroid cheat. He used a female fertility drug that produced artificial testosterone, making him the latest in a pathetic line of high-profile players who have done performance-enhancers and contaminated an entire baseball era. He also is a petty quitter, having stopped running out groundballs in a hissy-fit ploy that forced the Red Sox to trade him to the Dodgers.

How's everyone doing so far. Still with us? Or are we moving too fast?

So why were people cheering him when he returned last weekend after a 50-game suspension?

Because Manny Ramirez arrived last year, swung the Dodgers over his shoulder, and carried them 21341923423.23 miles to the postseason. A role-model? No. A great baseball player? Absolutely.

And giving him long, robust standing ovations?

Good players that cause you to get to the playoffs when you otherwise wouldn't tend to get those.

And proudly wearing $22 concession-stand dreadlocks and No. 99 jerseys?

Because baseball fans do these kinds of things.

And waving signs that said "We Still Love You, Manny" and "It's all about the dreads, not the Meds" -- stadium greeting cards that made him feel good when he should be feeling like, well, a convicted scumbag?

I'm sure he felt like a convicted scumbag over the last two months. He got caught, admitted it, and served his penalty. What the hell are the fans supposed to do? If I'm a Dodgers fan, I cheer Manny. If I'm a Yankees fan, I cheer A-Rod. If I'm a Giants fan a couple of years ago, I probably don't boo Bonds (after much deliberation). It's that simple.

Why oh why would anyone with a soul, a conscience and working brain cells glorify a cheater?

Yeah, especially after he murdered all those puppies and killed people while driving drunk.

Manny Ramirez does not equal Hitler.

Because most of these goofs were Dodgers fans who made the short drive from Los Angeles to San Diego, where they bought up 60 percent of the seats and turned Petco Park into Mannywood South. As we saw in San Francisco with the local fawning over Barry Bonds, some cities simply lack the sophistication to hold an appropriate grudge against a cheater.

Holding grudges: A trait commonly found in sophisticated people

All they seem to care about is whether the player produces and the ballclub wins.

What terrible Dodger fans.

And right now, with the Dodgers holding the best record in the major leagues and surviving just fine in their time without Ramirez, fans are checking their morals at the turnstiles and dreaming about a dreadlocked World Series in Chavez Ravine.

Checking their morals at the turnstiles. Wow. Everyone who cheers for Manny is going to hell.

In New York, Ramirez will be peppered with questions about why he used steroids. His reluctance to address the issue so far has been as big a disgrace as the drug bust itself. With stunning arrogance, his defining quote to date on the topic was this June 9 gem: "I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game." Actually, I might argue that he and the other superstar cheats have raped the game.

Baseball, coincidentally, is not a person.

Until he specifically answers the steroids questions, which Dodgers owner Frank McCourt says won't happen, Ramirez will face media heat nationally. This could lead to a breakdown in performance and attitude, if his meltdown in Boston last July is any indication.

Once Manny left for L.A., however, the media heat just disappeared completely, right? How'd he play there?

Also, 2008 Boston Manny: .299/.398/.529. Fuck you, Jay.

But when he was away, the likes of Andre Ethier and Juan Pierre excelled. A brooding Manny is a Manny who can distract the finest of clubs, as the Red Sox can attest.

OK, don't play Manny. Play Juan Pierre, and see how that works out. I hear he's close to his career norms this year!

And might I remind you, Ethier's breakout in the first place occurred last year, and coincided with Manny's arrival. I'm not saying one caused the other, but you can't say that Ethier has just magically started to be a good player without Manny around.

So when Mannywood officially reopens next week, fans can spend $99 for two seats in left field and two blue "Mannywood" t-shirts. My guess is, the place will be packed for the rest of the season.

Know what else the Dodgers should include in the package?

A vomit bag.

Hilarious.

Hi, I'm Jon Heyman, And I Get Paid To Write About Sports

Why don't you read my latest "Daily Scoop" column, about baseball's offseason? I'm sure my mastery of the English language and razor-sharp analysis will convince you that I am a great journalist.

Okay, okay, you got me- I'm not really Jon Heyman. I'm larry b. Plus, I was being sarcastic- Heyman is a shitpile of a journalist.

Dodgers owner Frank McCourt never should have had poor Grady Little twist in the wind while he tried to find a better alternative. [...] Little's decision to step down was described as "mutual,'' and it may well have been, but the Dodgers definitely were not opposed.

I don't think it's possible to phrase the intended point of that sentence any more poorly. It's like saying "My friend and I's decision to get hamburgers at Wendy's was mutual, although he definitely didn't not want hamburgers from Wendy's."

[Dodgers owner Frank] McCourt is awfully slick. But shopping for a manager when you already have one is not something even an inveterate slickster can get away with. In any case, Little deserved better. It was like he was the third choice, or fourth, or fifth for his own job.

In professional sports- no, scratch that, in dozens of high profile businesses/industries all over the goddamn world- this happens ALL THE TIME. True, the way the Dodgers made their pursuit of Joe Torre public was a little classless. But the general concept of keeping an underperforming employee around as you're looking for their replacement is not "slick." It's "standard", "normal", and "not weird at all."

Torre, whose press conference is today in L.A. (I predict everyone will love him; no one gives better press), is bringing Don Mattingly as a coach.

It's going to end up being a very Joe Torre-ish week here at FireJay, and there's nothing wrong with that. Look at what's in the parentheses there... are you kidding me? So let me get this straight; you're predicting that a high profile manager giving his first ever press conference for his new team is going to be received positively? Nonsense. Baloney. Hogballs. Here's another bold one for you along the same lines- everyone in New York will love Joe Girardi if the Yankees win the World Series next year. Also, no one gives better press than Torre? Paging Dr. Pinella... Dr. Pinella to the media room, please.

On to some other general notes and thoughts from Jon's barely functioning brain:

[Tigers reliver Joel] Zumaya was told by doctors that he has a 90-95 percent chance at a full recovery after they rebuilt the AC joint in his pitching shoulder. Zumaya has said that he injury the shoulder when a box fell on it as he attempted to rearrange items in preparation for the California wildfires.

Injury is a noun, not a verb! Laughter Out Loud! I'm so much smarter than Jon Heyman, because I'm nitpicking his silly typo. That's right. It's what I do. If you don't find that kind of thing hilarious, this may not be the blog for you. Might I instead recommend this very popular and informative little number written by a former coworker of mine? (True story, our offices were right next to each other.)

That might seem like a bizarre and unnecessary aside. But stick with me and let me explain my line of thinking in terms of linking her. Since she gets about 100 times as many readers per day as we do (assuming all five of you are still out there), if she somehow finds out about this she might return the favor and link us. Boom, instant readership spike. That would be a pretty sweet deal. Then it would only be a matter of days until advertisers were beating down our doors with gigantic contracts, and we could finally think about moving out of our parents' basements. I mean, sure, there's probably not much overlap between our respective target demographics. The number of her readers who would find shit like this post funny or interesting is probably somewhere in the low single digits. But I'm dreaming big these days. If I can possibly get somewhere in life by riding on the coattails of people that are more popular than me, I'm taking that opportunity without thinking twice. God bless America.

Tony Pena, Kevin Long and Rob Thomson are expected back as Yankees coaches. Dave Eiland, who did a terrific job tutoring Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes in the minors but is still best known by Yankees writers as the fellow who remained unknown to Rickey Henderson after he'd been in the Yankees' clubhouse for weeks, is expected to replace Ron Guidry as pitching coach.

Any way we can cram some more clauses into that second sentence? I think there might be a little room between "Rickey" and "Henderson."

Finally, the stunning conclusion to the column:

One rumor I'm believing is the Rangers and Torii Hunter. Makes plenty of sense to me. [End]

That's why Jon makes the big bucks- when something makes sense to him, he'll let you know that it's the case. Will he explain how or why it makes sense? Probably not. Don't worry about it. It's not important that you understand these things. You'd never be able to comprehend Jon's thought processes anyways. Just take what he says as near-fact and let it be.

Another rumor he's believing is Adrian Beltre to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant and the tattered shreds of Kwame Brown's career. (Facial!)

MSNBC.com Needs New Analysts....

.....like Michael Ventre needs a new job.

This guy is a total joke. Everything he writes is laughable. Admittedly, there are a few Celizic articles that are hard to tear apart, but this guy just never says anything of value. We're going to have an "INSIGHT" comment after each section, telling you what you can learn from Ventre each time.

Dodger fans will abuse Bonds more than ever
Environment will be truly hostile as Giant seeks record-tying 755th HR

Ooh GREAT! An article about how fans of a divison rival.....don't like Barry very much! What foresight, what ANALYSIS, what STUFF PEOPLE COULDN'T HAVE TOLD THEMSELVES. No really man, really, I expect that you'll write multiple, excellent paragraphs that will make me understand this in a new, more profound way. And if I haven't conveyed this yet, simply an AWESOME topic to write about.

In professional wrestling, it is common to see a villainous figure climb into the ring and spew nasty comments at the crowd. The fans, many of whom work themselves into the equivalent of a ‘roids rage without even taking steroids, scream back at the instigating hulk, questioning his manhood, his ancestry, the whereabouts of his spouse (often suggesting she’s someplace she isn’t supposed to be) and bathing him in every combination of expletives imaginable.

Oh man, gotta love this setup, the wrestling analogy...the angry fans, the "instigating hulk"....how could you NOT draw this comparison?

INSIGHT: None. Just things about wrestling. We'll forgive him later though if this is somehow useful.

Take that scenario, multiply it by 10, and it will approximate the scene at Dodger Stadium this week when Barry Bonds attempts to tie, and then break, Hank Aaron’s career home-run record.

So....the fans won't just be hostile, they're going to be VERY hostile. Continue with this awesome, awesome analogy (and continue saying such awesomely insightful stuff!)

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely. Anyone else not know this already? Because I sure didn't.

The pro wrestling analogy is fitting not simply because Bonds, like many pro wrestlers, resembles one of those huge Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloons that appears inflated to the brink of bursting. It’s also appropriate because when Bonds and Dodger fans get together, there is a visceral reaction, a primal, savage, beastly burst of ferocity that rivals scenes on “Animal Planet” when a lion hunts down and then devours a zebra.

Can you imagine a giant Barry Bonds balloon floating down the street during the Macy's parade? Thanks to Michael Ventre, I sure can now. And this "Animal Planet" thing sounds pretty cool. Maybe I should watch that. What's this article about again? Oh yeah. Baseball.

INSIGHT: Barry Bonds got big on steroids. Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

And that’s just during batting practice.

So I was looking up the definition of "hyperbole" in the dictionary the other day, and....hey!

Starting Tuesday, the gloves come off.

Woah....careful man. "Gloves" are boxing equipment, not wrestling equipment. Your extended metaphor is dying.....

Bonds has been showered in boos, catcalls and suggestive remarks every time he has appeared in Chavez Ravine in the past. After all, he’s a Giant. He wears the uniform of a pagan horde, at least in the minds of the locals. When they look at Bonds, they don’t think “home run,” they think “pillage.” They want to roast mutton by an open fire, drink grog, and then battle him to the death.

INSIGHT: Tuesday, Barry Bonds plays in Dodger Stadium. Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

This time, emotions will run even higher. Bonds is attempting to stain the record book by trying to hit Nos. 755 and 756. But he also wants to do it against the Dodgers. Bonds gets off on that.

"Bonds gets off on that"? "stain the record books?" There's something sexual here! Suppose Bonds hits 2 homers Tuesday night, here comes Ventre's article title the next day:

"Record Books Stained as Bonds Excitedly Shoots Off Two Orgasmic Homers Against Rival Dodgers"

INSIGHT: Bonds doesn't like the Dodgers, and (probably?) wants to break the record against them.

Like the aforementioned meat-headed juicers who oil their bodies and then slam each others’ heads into the mat, Bonds has a lot of anger. He is perturbed that a ticker-tape parade isn’t being held every time he enters a new city. He scoffs at detractors who suggest that somehow his accomplishments aren’t worthy of admiration. He mocks those who have followed the legal process and believe that eventually he might be forced to trade in McCovey Cove for Pelican Bay.

Ah, back to wrestling, good. Somehow I doubt that Bonds cares that a "ticker-tape parade" doesn't happen wherever he goes.

INSIGHT: Bonds is an angry man who believes he is doing something great and hates people who say otherwise. (we need people to tell us this???)

Bonds enjoys being despised — usually. He revels in it — for the most part.

INSIGHT: Bonds likes being hated.

But this historic pairing of controversial slugger and proud rival fan base is actually ideal, because whether he wants to admit it or not, this is one situation in which he’d rather not have to deal with resistance. In a perfect world, he’d rather break the record, be greeted with an outpouring of love and appreciation, and then get carried around the stadium on an opulent litter like the kind Cleopatra used to ride in.

More dumb, hyperbolic crap. What a waste of (cyber)space.

INSIGHT: Bonds won't be loved in Dodger Stadium, but ideally, he wants to be loved and appreciated. (This seems VERY contradictory to your last insight!)

Bonds would like the Dodgers to stop the game so that the fans can give him as long a standing ovation as possible without having to be burdened with mundane details like finishing the game. Bonds would love Bud Selig to get on one knee, say, “I’m not worthy,” and then hand him keys to a yacht. Bonds would like a hug from Henry Aaron. Bonds wants a video tribute on the big scoreboard showing his career highlights, but one that is digitally enhanced so it doesn’t appear as if he went from looking like a cyclist to an offensive lineman practically overnight.

Ideally, Bonds would love to orchestrate every detail of his record-breaking performance in Dodger Stadium the way Eva Longoria planned her wedding in France.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Stop, just STOP already. This is nonsense. It's like you realized 4 paragraphs ago you had no point, so you're just spewing hyperbole and analogy left and right.

INSIGHT: Ideally, Bonds wants to be loved and appreciated.

On April 8, 1974 in Atlanta, Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s record for career home runs. He whacked No. 715 off a Dodger, Al Downing. Since then, Downing has been an answer to a trivia question, even though he’s more than that. He had a fine career over 17 major league seasons, most with the Yankees and Dodgers, and has also worked in the Dodgers’ organization.

Downing’s name doesn’t live in infamy. He just happened to give up the record-breaking blast to a great player and a great person. If it wasn’t him, it would have been somebody else.

What does this have to do with anything? I mean it's hard to say you're off topic in an article with no point, but somehow, I REALLY think Downing is irrelevant to talking about Dodger fans hating Bonds. And by the way, great last sentence of this section.

INSIGHT: Al Downing gave up Aaron's record breaking home run, but don't sell him short! He had a nice career, and if he didn't give up that home run, someone else would have!

But pity the Dodger pitcher who gives up Bonds’ record-tying and/or record-breaking dingers this week. Brad Penny will be the L.A. starter on Tuesday night, followed by Mark Hendrickson on Wednesday and Brett Tomko on Thursday. And there are relievers who could be victimized also.

INSIGHT: It would suck to give one of the next two Bonds home runs (duh), and there are several different people who might do that.

There may be a segment of Dodger fans who want to see Bonds break the record this week against the Dodgers for two very different reasons: 1) they want to tell their grandchildren someday that they were present when history was made, or 2) of all the fans in the majors, they feel they are best equipped to unleash a torrent of horrors not seen since medieval times.

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely. (I've pressed CTRL-V 3 times for this already)

Yet most Dodger fans probably want Bonds to be foiled in his quest. They don’t want to see him break the record at all, but they know that’s unrealistic because even if he were on life support he’d somehow blink his eyes and convince the Giants to wheel him out to home plate so he could stick his bat out.

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't want Barry to break the record, but he will anyway. I am a terrible sportswriter who just uses weird hyperboles to fill up space.

Most Dodger fans want Bonds to strike out every time up, so they can jeer and taunt him. They’ve been doing it to him his entire career, but especially since 1993, when he joined the heathens to the north. They’ve been especially vociferous in their heckling since 2001, when it became clear that Bonds had put on a few extra pounds of muscle.

INSIGHT: CTRL-V! Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

Barry Bonds is coming to Dodger Stadium. It may not be an event as scripted as a pro wrestling match, but Dodger fans definitely know their lines.

INSIGHT: Barry Bonds is coming to Dodger Stadium. What will happen is unknown, but the one thing for certain is.....(CTRL-V!) Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

To those of you reading this. Scroll up to the top. Read it again, but only read the sections marked "INSIGHT" Ask yourself if you learned anything in these sections that you didn't already know (except for that stuff about Al Downing). If the answer is "yes", there's a 97% chance you've never heard of "baseball" before.

Again, really, Ventre, thank you oh so very much for being a baseball analyst who says smart, informed, wise things about baseball that are so obscured to the casual fan.

I'm off to play poker!

A Fat Shit Meets a Hall of Famer; Hilarity Ensues

This Guy Went Home A Winner

Here's the problem here: Fans Who Think They're Part Of The Game.

I'm not going to excoriate the guy for shit-talking; that's just fine. What I do take issue with:

"We were getting eye contact from all the players when I decided I would give the Dodgers an extra edge" by yelling at Griffey.

What the hell? Does this guy honestly value his own shit life so little that he is willing to risk his public image of being a decent guy who doesn't make fun of peoples' cancer-ridden mothers simply in order to give an "edge" to his beloved Dodgers?

"when you come to my stadium, you're fair game."

The thing is, my friend, if it was *your* stadium, you could publish your blog on the front page of the Murdoch/McCourt news syndicates... but since it is not in any respect *owned* by you, you have to publish this news on your MySpace. Not quite the same. Did you have to pay to get into *your* stadium, Sir? Oh. Yeah. You did.

"I totally got into his head. He went 0-3 and finally got a little base hit in the 9th."

"I just went outside and screamed at the sun and it went down! I got into that motherfucker's head! I bet he won't dare show his face in MY NEIGHBORHOOD ever again! What a little bitch!"

"This is DODGER TOWN GRIFF"

By all accounts, sir, Los Angeles Dodgers fans are among the more apathetic in baseball, legendary for arriving in the 2nd and leaving in the 7th. Perhaps you were not aware of that; your personal appearance and your uncouth comments suggest that you are unaware of normal conventions accepted by pretty much all levels of society on how not to be a fuckstick.


I realize this seems inappropriate for this blog: I'm criticizing a douchebag's MySpace post, not a media article... but I had to lend my small voice to excoriate this douchebag. Remember when you were six and you considered it a victory when you poked your big brother hard enough to interrupt him just as he was jumping for the flag at the end of a level in Super Mario Brothers?

That's this guy.

And on a side note: anyone else who tells you that you can't judge people based on appearances is wrong. To go with the Grizzly Adams beard, this fuckdo0d sports the rockstar-backwards-adjustable-velcro-psuedo-denim Dodgers hat to support his fandom and contain his overly large cranium.