Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
This article is almost as stupid is Chris W's last post (and face)
I will admit, as a lifelong Detroit Tigers fan, when I first heard we snagged Prince Fielder, I was ecstatic.
Victor Martinez had blown out his knee just days before -- lost for the upcoming season -- and replacing his offensive production wasn't going to be easy. A step back, after an amazing 2011, seemed inevitable. Then out of nowhere Detroit landed Fielder and life was good.
And I said to myself, what do you think the Tigers had to pay him to get him to sign? A couple hundred thousand a year? Couldn't be more than that, right? MAYBE THEY COULD PAY HIM WITH FOOD LOL
Then I saw the price tag and thought, "What the hell?"
He signed for about as much as he was expected to sign for when the offseason began! This is bananas!
All we hear about in the news these days is the struggling global economy, but in the middle of all this downbeat chatter a sports team bearing the name of one of the poorest cities in the country signs a baseball player to a nine-year deal worth $214 million.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Chairman of giant company shows JoePa mourners how giant companies placate the public after shit goes down
Knight added,
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
How about nobody writes about Joe Paterno for a while
The crimes at stake here are two clicks past heinous. Penn State, not to mention the entire State College community, mishandled the Sandusky case in a way that will haunt town and gown for many, many years. People are angry. They want a pound of flesh.
Sure. And some of that flesh should come from the guy who was in charge of the football program this whole time, don't you think?
And that anger has fueled the pumps that continue to spew vitriol at Paterno, even as the justice system in Pennsylvania continues to exonerate him.
This is the most laughable sentence in the whole article. "Has the justice system charged him with a crime? No. Conclusion: LEAVE JOE ALONE, HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"
The Sandusky case has rubbed raw all of us who have children, or once were children. Paterno, the most powerful man on campus, is one more person who looked and did not see, who listened and failed to hear.
He's one of the three or four most important and powerful people who looked and did not see, who listened and failed to hear. He's not some campus security guard who heard a third hand rumor that child rape was happening somewhere on campus and failed to unearth it. He's the guy who was told who was raping someone when and didn't do anything about it. Don't try to blend everyone at PSU who isn't Sandusky into one amorphous blob of "aw shucks, we done goofed, too bad!" It's pathetic.
But it should not cancel all that came before it.
No one worth listening to is saying it should.
It should zero out neither Paterno's six decades of achievement at Penn State nor his lifetime of leadership and beneficence at the university.
Notice which one is listed first. Say Paterno is at the pearly gates right now (or whatever your mind's manifestation of a place where you get judged in some kind of afterlife is, I don't give a shit) and whoever's working the door is giving him a hard time about how he mishandled this debacle. Which do you think he's going to bring up first, that he was a good leader who shaped and improved a lot of lives, or that he was good at getting other people to be good at a fucking sport? I hate to be preachy about it. But if you're someone who's very pro Paterno and you want to defend him from his attackers/celebrate his life, you'd sure as fuckballs better not start by bringing up anything related to football.
Yet a legion of men, who know him much better than any of his critics, continues to defend him. Some are gray of hair and round of stomach, others are younger than Paterno's five children. All of them wore blue and white. They arose to stand by his side when Paterno no longer could stand up for himself. Paterno was the coach who molded them. He instilled a beacon of light to guide them in their lives. He was the man who made them men.
All of that is very good and important stuff, and it's the kind of stuff that makes Paterno someone who will probably one day be remembered more for good than bad. At the same time, no fucking shit his former players are defending him. It's not exactly a slam dunk argument-ending accomplishment to point out that the guys who were recruited by him and lived and died with him for 3 or 4 or 5 years think he's great. JUST SO YOU KNOW, HIS FAMILY KNOWS HIM BETTER THAN YOU DO AND THEY ALL STILL THINK HE'S SWELL! THAT OUGHTA TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT THERE!
The Sandusky scandal has revealed that Joe Paterno missed in real time what may be seen so plainly in hindsight.
It should have been plain as fucking day in real time. That's the problem here.
The scandal has cast a shadow over a brilliant coaching life.
Stop bringing that up.
The 409 victories, while record-setting, are not the full measure of the man.
Jesus fucking Christ.
The young men he left behind, the campus to which he devoted his life, a campus whose leaders shoved him aside in the panicky, feverish days after the scandal broke,
Great drive-by pot shot at those on campus who realized "Oh shit, our coach could and should have stopped a bunch of child rapes and didn't. We're going to have to fire him I think."
also give testimony to the life of Joseph Vincent Paterno.
The whole of his life renders the seismology of modern-day journalism moot.
No, it's not moot. It's one aspect of his legacy. All the good stuff he did is another aspect. As time goes on the media and public will balance them. Paterno fanboys and people who hate ugly truths can say that the pesky media's insistence on reporting the scandal is rendered moot by all the good stuff Paterno did, but fortunately they're completely wrong.
The facts of a 62-year coaching career
Again.
were shaken. They did not topple over.
No, they didn't and shouldn't topple over. On the other hand, to the extent that they were shaken, they will probably remain that way forever (as they should). And the Ivan Maisels of the world will keep sticking their heads in the sand like Bob Costas any time someone says something bad about Mickey Mantle. Fucking sad.
Wow, this was really just an angry downer of a post. Can't wait to see what Simmons writes about the Super Bowl this week. Maybe if I beg and plead with him he'll do a whole mailbag about it (and Tom Cruise, and how good he is at gambling, and how much his readers love him).
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Simmons mailbag that was written a week ago? Don't mind if I do
I can't do any more TMQRs. Not this season. I'm done beating my face against that razor-sharp wall. (Sorry about the line spacing issues. Unlike Murray Chass I am not a professional blogger so I don't really know how to fix stuff like that in html.)
"Congrats on your great start in your eternal quest to go 11-0 against the spread in the playoffs. Of course, last weekend's success now means that you'll have to do a second straight all-NFL mailbag. Don't upset the applecart. You have been repeatedly warned."
PLLLLLEEEEAAAAASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BILL WE LOVE YOU, YOU'RE JUST LIKE US
Q: A thousand years from now, will people build scenes of the 2010 NFL-Draft in front of their houses just like they do with the nativity play now? In the Pittsburgh game, they played in the stadium that's closest to heaven (Mile High). Tebow threw for 316 yards. Rothlisberger's interception came on 3rd and 16. Pittsburgh's time of possession was 31 minutes and 6 seconds. Tebow's average yards per completion was 31.6. Someone named John told Tebow to pull trigger on the final TD. And Demaryius Thomas, the target for Tebow's game winner, was born on Christmas.
— Matthias Lahn, Germany
People who think like this and feel the need to point out their thoughts like this to others should be sterilized. We don't need more unclever people making unprofound observations about mildly interesting coincidences. The world is already stupid enough thanks to the [insert political party of your choice here]s!!!!!
Simmons's answer to that question is kind of funny, it's 600 words about how terrified he was of the Broncos. While it's easy for me to mock that viewpoint five days after the game took place, none of the Pats fans I know were even remotely worried about that game. I have no idea what that means but I suspect it has something to do with Simmons being a fuckass.
Q: The Saints/Lions game is happening as I'm writing this — in fact the Lions are up 14-7 with just under four minutes to play.
In the first half. PROOFREAD YOUR EMAILS, AMERICA.
Game over, Saints win. Why? The camera just showed Stafford with his hat on backwards. Brim-to-the-Back Guy cannot win a Super Bowl, and I don't think there's any way Brim-to-the-Back Guy out-duels Drew Brees in the Superdome.
What a great Simmons premise. I'll bet he loves it. Hey, this has nothing to do with sports- let's break it down!
Has any Brim-to-the-Back Guy won the big game?
Roethlisberger, twice.
Some'll claim Big Ben,
They'll be right.
you can't exactly say he was the leader of those Super Bowl teams.
Aw, he already forgot his own question. Kinda feel sorry for the fella.
You've got your finger on the pulse; you've the mighty combined forces of Grantland and ESPN's crack research teams. What say you?
— Michael Keeney, Madison, WI
SG: This was such a brilliant observation
Exactly.
that, for about nine seconds, I thought about stealing the point entirely and pretending I never heard of Michael Keeney of Madison, Wisconsin. We don't need a crack research team for a verdict here: The only elite QB with less of a chance in a big game than Brim-to-the-Back Guy is Brim-to-the-Side Guy.
Marky Mark? Non-responsive answer that's even less interesting and relevant than the original question. Nnnnice. Quick, bring up Tom Brady!
In fact, the secret of Tom Brady's maturation into a franchise QB wasn't dropping to the sixth round; it was when he decided to stop being Brim-to-the-Back Guy, Your move, Matthew Stafford.
He's too busy banging sorority girls to care.
Q: Please stop referring to defensive backs as "d-backs." It's "db's" or "Defensive Backs." I'm sick and tired of listening to podcasts where you ramble on about how bad the "d-backs" are in the Patriots' secondary. On second thought … nevermind. Keep up the good work.
— Chris B., Sacramento
SG: Thanks, d-bag.
Pwned! Oh Chris B., how does that burn taste? Burny? It's cute how Bill flirts with his readers by making fun of them.
Q: I re-read your 2011 NFL Preview column and counted up your "Relatively Bold Predictions." You had at least one per game, and some with multiple parts, which I counted separately. By my math, you're currently 6 of 24. I'm naming you my "NFL Preseason Preview MVP."
— Alex, Centreville
SG: (Searching for a comeback.)
Oh my! Speaking of the burniest of burnsauce, there it is again! Kobe, Bill will not sleep until everyone out there realizes your probably-deserved 2010 finals MVP was not at all deserved. LOL 6 FOR 24 MORE LIKE ZERO FOR A MILLION
Q: Can we say that a top running back is no longer needed to win a Super Bowl? Here are the last 10 Super Bowl winners and their running backs:
It all adds up pretty reasonably. None of the past 10 winners had what you might call an elite RB except maybe the Patriots in 2004 with Corey Dillon or the Colts in 2006 with Joseph Addai. And Addai is a real stretch. Good point, emailer. Now quit while you're ahead.
Also, the Colts, Giants, Saints, and Packers all won the Super Bowl AFTER losing Edgerrin James, Tiki Barber, Deuce McAllister, and Ryan Grant. Does this make the case that having a top running back, if you are a contender for the Super Bowl, actually hurts your chances?
— Brian R, Dubai
You are the stupidest person alive and I hope you wander into the Arabian Desert and disappear forever.
Q: I just read your newest mailbag. I was disappointed because I spent most of it reading the bold text. You are an excellent and intelligent writer.
Heh heh heh
Your readers, typically, are not.
Boy, I'll say!
I would like to hear more from you and less from them.
Can I interest you in a podcast featuring Bill and his friends guessing point spreads?
Please consider my concerns.
Sincerely, Finney.
— Finney, Clemson
The ironing is delicious.
SG: I'm guessing Finney didn't enjoy the last few e-mails. And for the record — the mailbag is my favorite column to write and has been since 1997. So there.
What?
Q: An idea for the 18-game schedule: each team plays 18 games, but (except for kickers and punters), no player can play in more than 16 games during the regular season. And this should be strongly enforced — if a player plays in even one play in a game, that [truncated for stupidity]
Your weekly solution to a problem that doesn't exist.
Q: Every mailbag I find myself hoping I can make it through without you incorporating the term "nodding" in some way, shape, or form into your response. I have yet to come across someone who overuses "nodding" as much as you. Perhaps for the new year you can find a new phrase to express yourself with (you used "nodding" in the the first mailbag of 2012 — i was holding out out hope it would be "nodding" free, but it's never too late to change, heck, just put it to bed for a month even!). If you do this, I will "nod approvingly." Thanks.
— Edward R., Washington DC
My God. This man needs a job, several hobbies, and some recreational drugs.
The mailbag ends after he makes his picks; no "Yup, these are my WACKY readers!" emails. While I think that probably makes the column better, I kind of missed reading some chode's sex story that almost certainly didn't happen. I WAS BANGING TWO MODELS, I LOOK OUT MY BEDROOM WINDOW, AND THAY-UH'S JON FACKIN' LESTAH, WALKIN' HIS UNICAWRN! I'm also worried about Amy from Jacksonville. How is that poor made-up woman going to know that the mailbag is over?
