Onion-Style Articles Are Only Funny If You're A Funny Writer

I'm not sure what American teenagers did for fun back before TheOnion.com came out in like 1997 or something. Here's the thing: Onion articles were funny. Actually - they still are funny. But only when done by someone who knows what they're doing.

The problem with sportswriters is that most of them don't. And we end up with this. And this. Articles that aren't funny; articles whose satirical purpose [mocking the Joba media circus].

This is what happens when people like Larry Dobrow and DJ Gallo have an ordinary idea [Hey! People talk too much about Joba!] and resort to a now-conventional form [the fake-news story] and they come up with this garbage. I know pnoles sort of covered this already, but I felt it was necessary to point out that two major internet sports outlets came up with nearly-identical non-humorous spoof pieces, both taking the wry and original step of spoofing Chuck Norris jokes LOL I LOVE THOSE THEY ARE SO FUNY HOW CAN CHUCK DIVIDE BY ZERO SNORT.

In general, I think The Onion has been so successful that it's spawned dozens of imitators who have flooded the interweb with cheap knockoffs. I would've been more likely to laugh if the article stated "Joba Ate Himself". Or "Joba Strangled By Woman in Metallic Bikini". Or "Joba Appeases Megalomaniac Dictator". Or "Joba Punches Big Brown For Trademark Infringement".

Yo, DJ Gallo, You Are Totally Not Funny. And You Seem Kind of Stupid.

DJ Gallo gave AL and NL previews on espn.com. They're chalk full of bad jokes, etc.

Here's the National League one. I'm just going to skip from part to part.

Arizona Diamondbacks
With a young roster, standout pitching and solid defense, this is a team that is easy to root for -- especially because Arizona's anemic offense means that few, if any, Diamondbacks are on steroids.

ROFLZOMG! Hey DJ, Neifi Perez took PEDs. So did Ryan Franklin and Jim Parque and shitloads of other awful players in the last 10 years. "Bad" does not equal "steroid free." And there's a good chance the DBacks will have a decent offensive year.

Fun Fact: The Rockies set a franchise record last season with a 4.32 ERA. They also replaced their humidor with a Jacuzzi.

LAWLAWLAWLAWLAWL or they had the best pitching staff in the franchise's history. But no, I like your joke so much that I'm going to pretend that isn't true.

San Diego Padres
Like division rivals Arizona, Los Angeles and San Francisco, the Padres have difficulty scoring runs. But San Diego will still be competitive, thanks to a pitching staff led by Jake Peavy, who led the NL in wins, strikeouts and ERA last season. Peavy also led the Padres with 17 hits, a .233 batting average and seven RBIs.

I can picture DJ cracking himself up typing that last sentence.

Fun Fact: Khalil Greene … still white.

...

NL West predicted order of finish: Inverse to the number of team losses.

Does that sentence have a purpose? There's no information and an overused, stupid joke. Like I understand that these are joke previews, but this is just useless.

NL Central predicted order of finish: The first shall be first, and the last shall be last.


And again.

Oakland Athletics

Fun Fact: You can now purchase a copy of "Moneyball" for $5.99 on the bargain rack at Barnes and Noble.

Hah. What a crappy bargain book. No one should want to read it because the A's are bad now.

AL West predicted order of finish: Four-way tie.

Stop this.

AL Central predicted order of finish: Wouldn't you like to know.

I said knock it off already! Don't you want to at least attempt a joke here?

Fun Fact: Delmon Young has only 26 walks in 681 career plate appearances. He tends to throw his bat at every pitch. And also at many umpires.

Fantastic! Hey DJ, 2006 called, it wants its joke back.

AL East predicted order of finish: 1. Yankees; 2. Red Sox; 3. Blue Jays; 4. Rays; 6. Orioles.

But DJ, there's only 5 teams in the AL Ea----aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! There's the funny! Right there! Orioles 6th! ZOMG! You should be helping Bob Saget write stand-up. Seriously.