Look, I'm not trying to be Jemele Hill here

By which I mean I'm not going out of my way to be a race baiter. I promise. I just think this crap sandwich by Jon Heyman is pathetic/funny when you consider the race of the subject. Who do you think he's talking about here? (Full disclosure: these are just pieces and parts of the article. Heyman is a bad writer, but he's so bad as to have written this as a complete piece.)

The first things you notice about [player] are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

"He's fun to watch," [team executive] says. "He's extremely athletic."

[Player's father, a former MLB player] is remarkably humble and courteous, just like [player], who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, so that last one might have given it away. It's Dee Gordon, the Dodgers' rookie shortstop, who happens to be black. Can you imagine anyone writing a puff piece about a white player with this stuff in it? Let's look again.

The first things you notice about Gordon are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

He's SOOO well-spoken! Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: The first thing you notice is that he's a back-slapping fun friendly good ol' boy!

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

He's a little small, but he's super strong. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: He's tiny, he's undersized, in fact he is the smallest person on Earth. He's been told his whole life that he doesn't belong here. But's overcome the odds with only one tool: HEARTGRITSCRAP.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

Why can't he hit more home runs? Barry Bonds hit lots of home runs. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: His SLG and AVG are usually identical, but that's how he helps the team. By hitting lots of singles so as to create more bunt opportunities for his teammates. If only he were able to bunt himself over, he'd be my vote for MVP.

"He's fun to watch," Watson says. "He's extremely athletic."

He's a physical specimen. He's fast and strong. Corresponding analysis for a white player with the same skillset: He plays the game the right way. With grit. With dirt on his jersey. Without calling attention to himself. All while reminding of me, when I made my high school varsity team. OK, junior varsity.

Flash is remarkably humble and courteous, just like Dee, who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, you know what, since I'm trying not to be too Jemele-ish here, I'm not even going to touch that one.

Roy Johnson raises the stakes in the race-baiting game

ESPN employs some dude named Roy Johnson who I hadn't heard of before finding this article. As far as I can tell he's here to pick up where Jemele Hill left off. Because I've seen some people play the race card inappropriately over the years, but this is a whole new deal right here. Roy is raising the stakes. He's not fucking around. The article is actually more than a month old, but it's plenty relevant now because of the ol' QB shuffle going on in Denver.

Tim Tebow ought to go out and get a big ole tattoo.

Hopefully you can already tell where this is going. What if Mike Vick were white? What if Tebow were black? WHAT IF DANNY WOODHEAD WERE AN ALIEN???

And have his ear pierced while he's at it. (Better yet, some other much more intriguing body part.)

His butt?

Heck, he might as well do something a few NFL owners (or at least one) seem to believe is associated with some fan-unfriendly aspect of black culture.

Assuming you're talking about Jerry Richardson, look, Jerry Richardson is a cunt. It's unfair to bring him up in an article like this because Richardson's actual racism is shocking enough to most educated people in the year 2011 to lend false credibility to your completely insane point. It's a classic red herring. "Hey, here's a bunch of mindless bullshit about how people unfairly hate on black QBs, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT THERE IS ONE VERY RACIST OWNER OUT THERE."

Because the way he's been talked about in recent weeks, you'd think the Denver Broncos' third-string (or 2.5-string) quarterback was black.

Oh brother.

"He can't play. He can't throw. … What [former Broncos coach] Josh McDaniels saw in him God only knows. Maybe God does know -- because the rest of us don't." -- Former NFL QB and current radio host Boomer Esiason

Which is exactly what people say about black QBs? Look, Tebow can play (inasmuch as that means that he can stay on the field, not fuck up too much, occasionally succeed, etc.), but he can't throw (not against this level of competition), and yes, only God knows why Josh "Hey Denver I'm just here to ruin your football team for the next five to eight years don't mind me" McDaniels made him a first round pick. Boomer is being plenty fair there.

And that's just a dab of the criticism/hate-ism spiraled at Tebow throughout this labor-truncated NFL offseason. (You should see what my editors took out.)

Your editors didn't take anything out and we all know it. Actually it would be pretty sweet if an editor made Johnson remove someone else's quote that was like "TEBOW IS A NO-GOOD CRACKER" but I doubt that happened.

Was any single player more debated, dissected and derided as all the prognosticators assessed the goings-on leading us to Week 1 of 2011?

He was debated and dissected because he's a lightning rod for attention and has been since 2007. He was derided because 1) there are plenty of knowledgeable people out there who say he can't play QB in the NFL, yet he was on the verge of being given the starting job in Denver and 2) people like seeing players who are lightning rods for attention like Tebow fail. Here's why he wasn't debated, dissected, or derided: because he is white, or not black, or secretly Mexican.

The only ones who come close are black:

Peyton Manning, Jay Cutler, and Ben Roethlisberger! Of course!

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam (the tattoo-less) Newton

Who was scrutinized like noted black QB Sam Bradford before him because Newton was the #1 overall pick in the draft.

and Oakland Raiders QB Terrelle (no priors) Pryor -

Who wasn't scrutinized; the Raiders were merely laughed at for using a supplemental draft pick to make Pryor the most predictable and typical Raider in the history of Raiderdom.

both of whom are rookies and thus expectedly subject to the kind of annual pre-draft what-they-can't-do scrutiny typically reserved for the privacy of your doctor's office.

The same kind of scrutiny white rookie QBs get.

You might add to the list Michael Vick, whose biggest "SportsCenter" offseason move was signing a $100 million (but not really) contract extension that prompted many to debate whether the resurrected and rehabilitated Philadelphia Eagles quarterback deserved to be the highest-paid QB in the world not named Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.

Oh come fucking on. First of all, 90% of the offseason press about Vick was positive. Second of all, any debate about whether the contract was a good idea for the Eagles had to do with only one of the two following questions. See if you can identify it. Can Vick stay healthy? Have you noticed that Vick is black?

Vick's new deal coincided with a firestorm of a story in ESPN The Magazine that carried the headline: "What if Michael Vick were white?"

Which was a pretty simple and overplayed article that mostly hammered home the idea that most black kids in America grow up in a different environment than most white kids, and as a result they encounter more obstacles and challenges. Didn't really have anything to do with Vick's playing style or the non-existant criticism thereof that Johnson seems to want to make us believe exists. In fact, the "What If?" article can be best summarized by these two passages:

But after his arrest for dogfighting, so many people asked: Would a white football player have gotten nearly two years in prison for what Vick did to dogs?

This question makes me cringe. It is so facile, naive, shortsighted and flawed that it is meaningless. Whiteness comes with great advantages, but it's not a get-out-of-every-crime-free card. Killing dogs is a heinous crime that disgusts and frightens many Americans. I'm certain white privilege would not be enough to rescue a white NFL star caught killing dogs.

Yes. And:

And to those who believe we should judge a man by how he responds when dealing with the worst life has to offer -- with how he climbs after he hits rock bottom -- Michael Vick has become heroic.

And that has nothing to do with race.

Exactly. Trying to lump that article in with this one is a fucking farce.

(The piece was accompanied by a brilliant, if somewhat pale, photo illustration portraying what Vick might look like as a white man. As I said, brilliant.)

IT WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS!

Well, what if Tebow were black?

Nothing? I think that's the answer to this question. "Nothing" if Tebow were black.

Now before you get all fired up and start rolling your eyes over yet another story tainting our precious sports landscape with "race" droppings, relax: It's all in fun.

Ah my bad, I thought we were playing for keepsies.

/takes back money and bag of own blood from center of table, puts into pocket

It's also very hard to throw around the idea that a white QB is being criticized for playing like black QBs for get criticized for being black and say that "Hey now, just messin' around. Don't get all hot under the collar, country that kind of sucks at dealing with racial issues."

Tebow, the Broncos' 2010 No. 1 draft pick (25th overall), just may be the most popular human in at least two states (Colorado and Florida).

And for good reason: He's probably the second-best college football player in history (behind Herschel Walker) or maybe third (Lord, I wish there was film of Jim Thorpe).

At the University of Florida he: (A) stayed four years; (B) generated 9,286 passing yards, 2,947 rushing yards and 145 touchdowns; (C) played on two national champion teams; and (D) won the Heisman as a sophomore.

He's also the guy your momma wishes you were: a devout, God-fearing young man who does missionary work in foreign orphanages, for goodness' sake.

Which makes him absolutely identical to someone... another pro athlete.... who am I trying to think of?

If he were black, he might have been … Tiger Woods.

Yeah! Tiger Woods! That was it! He stayed in college for two years and really didn't have an off the course reputation until late 2009 when he revealed himself to be kind of a scumbag, but yeah, Tebow's just like that. Except more whiter.

But, uh, never mind.

Shut up.

Tebow's leadership talents and personal integrity are unchallenged.

His football skills?

Now that's what riles people up -- especially those folks who say he's already an NFL bust. Ryan Leaf with a halo.

Ah yes, exactly. A draft bust of a QB who couldn't cut it in the big time, like Leaf, or Joey Harrington, or Cade McNown, or Kyle Boller, or David Carr, or Tim Couch, or dozens of other guys who AREN'T BLACK.

Or maybe Troy Smith, Vince Young, Jason Campbell, or Josh Freeman -- black QBs whose skills at times have been diminished because they didn't fit the mold of an elite NFL QB, an image that has been handed down and cherished since Johnny Unitas first struck the passing pose by which all subsequent quarterbacks are still measured.

Oh boy. This is where it gets rich.

Each of the four aforementioned quarterbacks have, to varying degrees, responded to their critics.

Yes, to varying degrees. Freeman has responded by being pretty good. Campbell has responded by being just good enough to kind of keep a starting job. Young has responded by basically washing out of football after five years, and Smith has responded by never being relevant in the first place. So, to summarize: all four of these guys have faced criticism, just like dozens of young white QBs over the years. One of the four has responded. Another has kind of responded. The other two suck balls. But let's hear about how wonderful they all are, because surely this has something to do with Tebow and race.

At 6-foot, Smith, the 2006 Heisman winner and 2007 fifth-round pick of the Baltimore Ravens simply wasn't NFL "big."

Yep. Correct. (Rest of praise for Smith omitted because he is a "never was" and any attempt by a sportswriter to make it sound like he's anything else will make you laugh out loud while you read this at work.)

Like Tebow, Campbell was the 25th overall pick in the draft (2005) and was largely said to lack the arm or the pedigree (his alma mater, Auburn, is no QB factory) to succeed at the get-paid (more) level. Yet he's started 64 games for Washington and Oakland, and will start for the Raiders on Sunday.

At this point he has started 70 games and won 31 of them while completing 60% of his passes and compiling a QB rating of about 83. In related news, the Raiders are now talking to David Garrard and Carson Palmer.

Young, for all the lows of recent seasons, hit the league like a lightning bolt -- despite those who scoffed at his awkward delivery and propensity to escape from the pocket like it was on fire when he still had time to throw. He was the Offensive Rookie of the Year and became a two-time Pro Bowler for the Tennessee Titans before his career spiraled downward due to problems on the field, and off.

He did hit the league like a lightning bolt. And then about three seasons later, the league had adjusted to him and he failed to return the gesture. As soon as the Eagles cut him,you can find him spending the rest of his life starring in car dealership and legal services commercials in the greater Austin/Dallas area. He's like a version of Troy Smith who was big enough to succeed in running people over for a couple years.

Freeman? Please? Just about any team other than New England or Philadelphia would take the rising young third-year Tampa Bay Buccaneers signal-caller who slipped to No. 17 in the 2009 draft despite a 124.73 passing rating at Kansas State.

Any team other than New England or Philadelphia or Green Bay or Pittsburgh or San Diego or Dallas or Detroit or Atlanta or New Orleans or St. Louis or maybe three or four other teams like the Giants and Chiefs would kill to have Freeman, I agree.

Look, what's the point of all this? Those four QBs took their lumps from the press when they entered the league. Tebow took his lumps from the press when he entered the league. Every single fucking quarterback takes their lumps when they enter the league and for the entire duration of their stay in the league. It's how things work and it has not a fucking thing to do with the color of their skin. Yes, Young and Campbell took their lumps for not having NFL-quality arms, as Tebow has. But those criticisms aren't racial in nature and if you can't see that you should be fed to bears. White QBs might usually face a different brand of criticism, but it's criticism all the same. Sheesh.

This isn't the Alphas, Kappas, or any of the other proud black national fraternities, but Tebow is unquestionably a member of this frat. He's just still being hazed.

Like Andy Dalton, Blaine Gabbert, Christian Ponder once he gets on the field, Jake Locker once he gets on the field, etc., etc.

Now, some of his critics have a slight point. Tebow is a football freak, a 6-foot-3-inch, 245-pound force of nature who doesn't fit the textbook description of the QB position but scores touchdowns and wins football games anyway.

Clichce cliche cliche mindless bullshit that means nothing

He defies every convention and bowls over every coaching rule of thumb as if it were a teeny defensive back.

He runs first and throws with uncertainty.

He's a leg-QB, not an arm -- at least not an NFL-accurate one. Yet.

BUT THERE'S RACISM IN THOSE CRITICISMS SOMEWHERE! MARK MY WORDS!

Each of those shortcomings has been levied as criticism for some black quarterback in recent seasons. Now, it's brother Tebow's turn.

And when white QBs who have good arms but no pocket presence and no ability to anticipate and avoid the blitz are criticized for that, uh... something.

I believe Tebow, in time, will indeed overcome his shortcomings and become a solid, capable NFL quarterback.

He has been a leader at every level.

And he has won at level.

Black or not, those attributes count more than any words -- as many of his brothers have shown.

Hoo hoo! HEY-OH! I see what he did there. But seriously, this is such fucking garbage. If Johnson's point were that black QBs tend to face a specific kind of criticism while white QBs tend to face another, and that Tebow's critics sound more like they're criticizing a black QB than a white QB, he'd be right. But that would be a pointless article and wouldn't give Johnson a chance to not-so-subtly whine that black QBs face more criticism than white QBs. What's maddening about the fact that he's sipping exactly that whine in this piece is that he defeats his own purpose by admitting that Tebow kind of sucks at throwing the ball right now.

There are so many layers of dumb to this that I can't spend any more time trying to parse it. Suffice it to say that Mike Vick is black and really good, Tim Tebow is white and not very good, Jason Campbell and Colt McCoy are different races but are both kind of shitty, and that 100% of NFL fans who are not racist fuckhats don't care about race.

Let's Make A New Rule

[3/10, 1:00 AM: Editing note- deleted all the complaining I did about Kalma referencing non-NBA championships in response to Webmaster's comment below. I was going to leave it all in and confront the fact that from time to time I make hideous mistakes... but nah. Decided against it. I would rather just pretend like it never happened. Everyone OK with that? Look, I'll admit it- I'm a dumbass. But I'd rather not have the evidence laid out for all to see.]

How about this- no more articles about potential Hall of Fame candidacies... relating to any sport... ever. I know, I know, it's a little extreme. There are certainly plenty of not terrible (well, maybe not plenty, but at least a handful) HOF candidacy-related pieces that get published every year that don't need to be restricted. But I think we're better safe than sorry in this case. Because it starts with some guy making a case for olde-timey greats like Alan Ameche and Ken Stabler. Then someone else wants to start looking at more recent guys like Bert Blyleven or Ron Santo. Then people start talking about where guys who just retired, like Reggie Miller and Scottie Pippen, might one day fit in. And eventually, once we follow this slippery slope of growing recency all the way down to the pool of shit it feeds, we find garbage like this. NBA TV's Rick Kalma, you're embarrassing yourself. (Thank you to Erik for this tip.)

The finalists for the Hall of Fame Class of 2008 were announced over All-Star weekend, with Hakeem Olajuwon, Patrick Ewing, and Pat Riley all up for the first time. Other big names who could get the Hall call are Adrian Dantley, Chris Mullin, Dennis Johnson, and Don Nelson. To me, all of those guys are Hall of Famers,

Steady now... careful...

and the HOF chatter got me thinking about which active players are on their way to the Spingfield.

Oops. You fucked up.

And this is where I need to write a sort of second intro, to let you know why this article is so remarkable. I always forget that shit like this even exists until a new example of it pops up every month or so. See, this is what I call a double-terrible article. The first terrible is for choosing a stupid topic. Does this kind of thing really add to anyone's appreciation of the sport in question? Christ, I hope not. If we absolutely have to start pissing contests about HOF guys, let's at least have them be eligible for election within the next 12 months, you know? Except in special cases like Bonds/Clemens, why worry about something that's not even going to happen for X years? So that's one aspect of it that sucks.

But the thing is, even when they choose a dumb topic like this, most writers manage to isolate their awfulness to strictly that choice. They say: "Darrrrrr, hey, Ken Griffey Jr. and Greg Maddux sure look like Hall of Famers to me! I'm gonna go eat some more Play-Doh." And that's the end of things. Fine. I can deal with that. Maybe their deadline was rapidly approaching and they didn't want to write another Eckstein article. Who knows? These kinds of articles usually don't make FireJay because we have bigger fish to fry.

But when a double-terrible article comes along, something special happens that takes things the extra mile. Not only does the writer choose a miserably boring topic; they manage to screw up their designated choices as well. Look, if you go down this road, just stick with the basics. The Jeters and Madduxes. The Favres (Did you hear he recently retired?) and the Tomlinsons. The Kobes and the Shaqs. Other than to make me yell at you, why in fuck's name would you choose the players you're about to choose? Why? It's poppycock. It's insanity. It's probably the fault of a missing chromosome. It's like doing a really bad job on an assignment for school, and then deciding to top things off by writing "Go fuck yourself, Mr./Mrs. Teachername" at the bottom. Don't exacerbate the problem! Just put your nonsense down on the paper and move on. I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse a little bit here. Step into my office and let me show you what I mean.

[Editor's note: Before reading this list of probable Hall of Famers, please understand a few things. One, I'm a laid-back, tree-hugging Dead Head who tends to be liberal, or inclusionary, when it comes to the Hall of Fame.

Read: One, this is at best a miserable choice of topics for someone like me.

Two, I take the RING very seriously.

Two, I think Mark Madsen needs to be in the Hall.

Third, defense does not get enough respect (Marcus Camby's career total of zero All-Star games is case in point), so I am here to defend the most dominant defenders over the past 20 years.

Third, the fact that Marcus Camby with his complete and total lack offensive game happens to have played most of his good seasons in a conference with several great, well-rounded centers who have kept him out of the All-Star game really means something to me. Because I am stupid.

Finally, this is one man's opinion...a man who does not have a seat on the HOF selection committee...a man who never will have a seat on the HOF selection committee.]

Finally, I would like to clarify that no one gives a shit about my opinions.

Atlanta Hawks

Josh Smith: This 22-year-old SuperFreak possesses the most unique skillset in NBA history. Who goes for nine dimes and nine blocks in the same game, and then drops nine and five in the same cats the next game? Did I mention he's 22?

That's right, you read it correctly- first of all, incredible hyperbole about a category so abstract you could basically define it any way you choose. And second, this guy had a really good game against some cats once, and then had another really good game the next time he played those same cats. When's he posing for his bust? Is he going to go in as a Hawk, or a Nothing? HE'S AT LEAST TEN FUCKING YEARS AWAY FROM RETIREMENT. HE COULD BLOW OUT HIS KNEE TOMORROW AND HE'D BE FORGOTTEN BY 2010.

Basically I'm about to do that like twenty more times in a row. So if it didn't entertain you... might be time to head on over to www.knockknockjokes.com or something.

Al Horford: Going out on a limb here,

You think? By nominating a guy with 50 NBA games under his belt?

but I'm sticking to my pre-draft opinion that this 21-year-old horse will develop into a perennial 20-10 guy.

Kalma's standards for Hall probability: his own pre-draft opinions.

Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron James: I stuck the Hall of Fame label on this monster after his first NBA game and he's given me no reason to alter that opinion.

This obviously isn't that dumb of a pick, but I included it for the comedy in the "hey, I was on the cutting edge of scouting, I knew about this guy way back when he was a rookie" angle. I mean, who really had Bron pegged for superstardom back then? I bet Rick also wants to take credit for knowing Tiger Woods would be a star way back in 1999.

Bill Russell and Michael Jordan are wondering if LeBron is the Tiger Woods of their sport. Tiger is gaining on Jack Nicklaus, and LeBron is morphing into an unstoppable force before our eyes.

There you go.

Ben Wallace: A lot of you think I'm crazy, but hear me out.

You are crazy. I will not hear you out. You point out the fact that Wallace will likely clear the 11,000 rebound plateau before his career is over, and then claim that everyone in NBA history who has done that is either in the hall or "a lock" to be there one day. Well, there's a guy who probably compares pretty well with Wallace on that list by virtue of also having no offensive game whatsoever- Dennis Rodman. According to basketball-reference.com, Rodman's likelihood index for hall induction (which isn't exactly equivalent to a percentage, but is close- here's the explanation which links to the career list) is .179. Only 4 players with a lower index have ever made it, and most of them played decades ago. Only 13 players with an index below .5 have ever made it. The list includes active players, too. Ben Wallace's index? .002. You are crazy.

(I understand that index doesn't do justice to the skill set of a guy like Wallace, because it doesn't even include blocks, steals, or the nebulous concept of "good defense." But it's not like he's at .300, and then, you know, you can make the case that defense is going to take him the rest of the way to the hall. He's at .002. Zero zero two. His offensive numbers, rebounding, MVP votes and 2004 RING don't even have him in the neighborhood of the general area of being able to really go out on a limb and be in the discussion for possible longshot consideration.)

Dallas Mavericks

Dirk Nowitzki: He will go down in history as a great player, a Hall of Fame player, and perhaps the greatest shooting 7-footer of all-time...but he'll also go down as a player who wasn't quite great enough. He shall join the list of non-championship greats like Patrick Ewing, Karl Malone, John Stockton, and Charles Barkley.

Reason those guys didn't win championships? Not being great enough. Reason Hakeem Olajuwon won two championships, totally coincidentally while Jordan was temporarily retired? Being great enough.

Golden State Warriors

Monta Ellis: I'm not crazy, freaks. It's just that Monta is crazy good.

What a deft turn of phrase!

At 22 years of age, Monta is already averaging 19.2 points on 53 percent shooting.

At 22 years of age, Monta is only 22 years old. That means he only has to play really, really well for about 10 to 15 more years to get into the Hall. We're talking no major injuries, no turning into a slightly smaller version of Shawn Kemp when he gets his first big paycheck, an ability to sustain his offensive stats even if he doesn't always play on a fast-paced team like the Warriors, and not too much decline in his game as he ages. Barring all those things, he's in.

Electric Ellis is unstoppable because he is athletic enough to blow by and crush...and talented enough to smack ya from 18.

Thank you, Jemele Hill.

He's not going away.

Given all the random things that could derail him that I listed above, and the amount of time he has yet to play before his status as a future HOFer becomes legitimate, there's a pretty medium possibility he goes away.

(I did not forget about Chris Webber, who is currently at 17,182 points and 8,124 rebounds--and NOT counting. He's out. Get a TO, baby!)

Thank you, Dickie V. Also, for what it's worth, basketball-reference.com's HOF index has Webber at a .659. Only 11 players with a higher score are not in the hall, and for most of them that's just because they're not eligible yet. Jordan, Stockton, Robinson, Olajuwon, Malone, Pippen, Ewing, Payton, Mitch Richmond, Jo Jo White, and Adrian Dantley. So yeah. He's probably in. With or without a TO, baby!

Houston Rockets

Dikembe Mutombo: Deke was the NBA's first four-time Defensive Player of the Year and he's been to eight All-Star games. He's second all-time with 3,245 blocks and 18th all-time with 12,184 rebounds. And dig this logic. Dominique Wilkins, Alex English, and George Gervin made it to the Hall of Fame on the offensive end, topping 20,000 points while playing occasional defense. So why can't defensive specialists who gave you occasional offense, like Deke, make it to the Hall from the defensive end?

I'll take a shot at that question. An effective offensive player puts points on the board every time he scores. In that sense, every time he does his job (scores), he has a direct and tangible impact on his team's chances of winning. The scoreboard shows the impact directly. Conversely, when a great defensive player does his job (blocks a shot, creates a deflection, gets a steal, guards his man well) he simply decreases the opposing team's odds of scoring. Except in the case of a steal, there's still a chance the other team scores on that possession. If they check their man, he can pass. A deflection or block can end up in the offensive team's hands. And obviously, the defender can't take points off the scoreboard. Therefore, I'm forced to conclude that when all other variables are accounted for, a great offensive player does more for his team than a great defensive player. Let me put it a different way- a team with two great offensive players and three above average defenders will have much more success than a team with five great defensive players. Although the overall talent level on the second team might be higher (in terms of players that would catch a scout's eye at an open workout), the first team will win more games. The cliche might be that defense wins championships; but offense puts points on the board, and you can't win without that.

I'm sure there are at least three commenters ready to jump all over me for that. Let me just re-put it this way: probably a better pick than Ben Wallace (due to longevity and better offense), but not by a lot.

I should have published this hours ago, and the rest is pretty easily summarized. Let's just quickly run through the highlights and finish big.

Amare Stoudemire: You need stats to get to the Hall. Amare's nickname is Stat. Get it?

Boooooooooooooooooooooooo. Boo. Boo. Everyone gets it. Whoever made up that nickname did so specifically so that everyone would get it.

Andre Iguodala
Brandon Roy
Kevin Durant
Chris Paul
Deron Williams

You've got to be kidding me.

Greg Oden

No. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

O.J. Mayo
Kevin Love

Ok, I made those up. But not Oden. That was all Rick.