Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Good Old Fashioned Nonsense

Joe Morgan chats!

Joe Morgan: It would be impossible to record black history without recording what baseball has contributed. From the Negro Leagues to Jackie Robinson breaking of the color barrier, baseball has contributed a lot towards our society moving forward together.

Well said, Joe. Let's do this!!!!

David (Florida) Hey Joe!Who do you think is the best improved team this year?

Trying to upstage Joe in "English Language Abuse" right off the bat, eh David? That's bold.

Joe Morgan: I guess you would have to say the Giants in the National League because they have made the most moves. If their moves work out or not, we'll have to wait and see. In the American League I'll say Seattle. On paper both teams did a good job of improving themselves.

The Giants??? The Giants are the most improved because they made the "most" moves? Like, the greatest number of moves? Here is a list of the players that the San Francisco Giants have playing for the major league team who were not in their organization last year:

1) Mark DeRosa
2) Aubrey Huff

Most improved team in the Major Leagues!!! Just look at all those moves!

Re: Seattle. Nice one Joey.

victor ( monroe,la): what are the cubs chances on winning the n.l.central this year?and do you think aramis ramirez will remain in chicago?

Joe Morgan: I think the Cubs chances are pretty good in that they have a lot of talent but they always seem to find a way to under achieve.

Q: Hey Joe, do the Cubs have a good shot?
A: Yes, because they're going to figure out a way to underachieve.

Until they get over that, it's always a mystery to see what they will do.

Until they get over that (underachieving), it's always a mystery to see what they will do (presumably either underachieving or not underachieving). Huh?

I'll handle that one for you Joe. Until they stop underachieving, they'll.....UNDERACHIEVE. Mystery solved!

I especially like their starting pitchers.

Fuck you, Victor. You can't get me to talk about Aramis Ramirez.

Chris Fiegler (Latham,NY): Between Joba Chamberlain & Philip Hughes who do you think will be the 5th starter for the New York Yankees?

Joe Morgan: I think Hughes will be the fifth starter. Chamberlain is a late inning set up man and maybe a future closer.

Phil Hughes, 2009 as starter: 5.45 ERA, 1.50 WHIP
Phil Hughes, 2009 as reliever: 1.40 ERA, 0.86 WHIP

I guess if it ain't broke, break it.

alex (dc): Joe how long till my nats can make a run for a wild card considering the moves we have made

Joe Morgan: I think they defiantly improved their team

Read: they flicked off every agent, player, and rival executive they were in contact with while building their roster.

and they do have some veterans like Ivan Rodriquez that can lead this team.

Lead them where, exactly?

Like everyone else, we're waiting to see what Strasburg can do.

The Wild Card Joe, the QUESTION, man!

I defiantly think they have an improved team this season.

I'm not kidding you. He repeated that, and made the same mistake again.

Q: Hey Joe, how long until the Nats can make a run at the Wild Card?
A: Defiantly Ivan Rodriguez can lead, waiting on Strasburg defiantly.

Dave (Boston): Joe, you were in the majors when Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their statement in the 1968 Olympics. As an athlete, what did that gesture mean to you?

Uh oh, Dave. You just tickled Joe's pleasure senses.

Joe Morgan: That's a great question! What it meant to me is that athletes understood that just because they were athletes that they weren't speared those indignities that other African Americans went through. The reaction by the Olympic Committee showed me that there was prejudice there as well. They kicked them out of the Olympic Village stating that the Olympics were no place for those kinds of political actions. In my opinion, the Olympics have always been a platform for political actions going back to Jesse Owens. Tommie and John have always been and will always be my idols because they stood up for what they believed in.

See what you did, Dave? You just caused the most coherent answer in JoeChat history. Even if he did use the phrase "speared those indignities".

Steve (Washington): Do you think athletes, regardless of color, are vocal enough about societal issues?

Joe Morgan: That's a difficult question for me to answer

pnoles: (::dies of shock::)

because each athlete needs to look inside themselves to see which path they what to take. You're a citizen of this country first and an athlete second. Being an athlete is only a short term job where as being a citizen is a long term job. You have to ask yourself, "do I want to make a difference"?

Steve, I'm sorry. Joe doesn't answer questions that do not directly involve his past.

eamonn (napa, ca): How big an impact do you think Brad Penny will have in the Cardinals rotation this year?

Joe Morgan: The fact that they have Wainwright and Carpenter takes a lot of pressure off of Penny. He's always had the stuff to be a No. 1 pitcher but now all he has to to is be a No. 3 pitcher. Playing with Wainwright and Carpenter will help him.

Yes, now that he's not on the same team as perennial screw-ups like Josh Beckett and Jon Lester, or Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain, or 2008 Derek Lowe and 2008 Chad Billingsley, he'll FINALLY be able to relax and just try to be a #3 pitcher.

Ahhhhh welcome back Joe. You were missed.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'm Not a Hockey Expert

Nor have I ever watched a hockey match, because hockey is the lamest sport this side of soccer, amirite?

/guy at a party who thinks he's clever and funny because he makes fun of sports that aren't football

But seriously now. I know that the U.S.'s win over Canada tonight was an upset. But anyone who wants to compare it to the 1980 Miracle on Ice is probably stretching things, don't you think? Ignoring the Cold War backdrop, you're still trying to compare a bunch of college players beating a team of full time professionals who hadn't lost in forever to a team of NHL players beating a team of better NHL players who didn't even medal at the last Olympics. I mean, hey- I love that highlight. Good for Al Michaels and all that. I welcome any excuse to break it out. I just really think it's silly to compare these two wins. They have a team of superstars... we have a team with some superstars and some regular stars. Let's try not to suck our own dicks too hard on this one. But I'm sure every sports media outlet will be doing just that for the next few days. Awesome.

Sportscenter got an early start on that by leading tonight's show with the 1980 highlight. Hilariously, because they refuse to pay whatever exorbitant price NBC has put on video licensing, they led the show with "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES... YEEESSSS" and then just showed stillframe photos from tonight's game. You could really feel the energy and excitement though! And then they showed the box score. I don't know who to hate more- Dick Ebersol and his team of selfish fucktards at NBC, or the ABC/ESPN axis of morons who are responsible for "Who's Now?" and the idea that it's OK to lead your highlight program with a series of still photographs. I'll just go with both.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Skip Bayless Needs a Nice Tall Glass of Shut the Fuck Up

The gentlemen over at First and Ten on the WWL recently debated the question of whether Jimmy Clausen will make a good professional quarterback. This is a good debate, since there's enough munition on either side to mount an explosive attack. But Skip Bayless says some stupid ass shit in it, which I will now expose:

I watched all or parts of every Notre Dame game.

Me too. But saying this will make Skip's later comments inexcusable.

I don't like the intangibles, the late-game body language, the leadership, the charisma...

ND-Michigan State. Clausen throws the winning TD pass with 5:18 left.
ND-Purdue. Clausen, with an injured foot, throws the winning TD pass with :24 left.
ND-Washington. Clausen throws a go-ahead TD pass with 1:20 left
ND-USC. Clausen comes within five yards of engineering a 3-touchdown 4th quarter comeback when his receiver slips.
ND-BC. Clausen throws the winning TD pass with 8:12 left.
ND-Navy. Clausen throws a TD pass with :24 left to bring ND within two.

Now, there were some missed chances (Pittsburgh comes to mind), but it's pretty stupid to say you don't like a guy's fourth quarter charisma when he plays his nuts off and the other half of his team collectively sucks bigger than Uranus, which weighs more than fourteen Earths.

I thought Clausen's inabilities were the biggest reason Notre Dame underacheived at 6-6 this year.


I thought Clausen's inabilities were the biggest reason Notre Dame underacheived at 6-6 this year.


I thought Clausen's inabilities were the biggest reason Notre Dame underacheived at 6-6 this year.


If you actually watch the video, you'll realize that Skip didn't actually say that line three times. But I have reprinted it here three times to emphasize the stupid, which is of monumental proportion.

Jimmy Clausen threw for 3722 yards, tossed 28 touchdowns to 4 interceptions, and had the second-highest passer rating in the entire country (!).

Notre Dame's defense gave up 26ppg and almost 400ypg. This unit's pathetic performance was responsible for most of Notre Dame's underacheiving.

His mobility's pretty good, I'll give you that.

He did run for a net yardage of -95 this year... with a long rush of... 11 yards.

There's a bunch of other reasonable commentary about Charlie Weis's offense and adapting to the NFL and arm strength and all that. But I thought I would record the stupid. Because it's fucking stupid.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Hate to Bury My Last Post

Given the pretty coherent and entertaining commenting going on, but I didn't want to wait too long to let you know what ESPN's Olympic blog had to say about what you should have been watching yesterday:

Speedskating: Men's 500M
It seems long distances belong to Dutchman Sven Kramer, middle distances to American Shani Davis. But there is no clear favorite for Monday night's sprint at the Richmond Olympic Oval. The hometown crowd will try to will Jeremy Wotherspoon, of Humboldt, Saskatchewan, to gold in his last Olympic hoorah.

His last hurrah? Too bad.

Wotherspoon won a silver medal in Nagano, his first Olympics, but has crashed and burned -- sometimes literally -- in each Olympics since.

Oh my! You'd think eventually he'd stop catching fire at some point, even if he did keep crashing- it just seems so unlikely in a speed skating competition.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Brief MMTMQR: Good Players Only Play for Good Teams, Everyone Knows That

I wish I had more time to make a longer post. Unfortunately I don't right now. But I do have time to briefly marvel at the levels of retardery to which Gregggggggggggggggggggggg (get it?) will stoop.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback Non-Quarterback Non-Running Back NFL MVP: I gave up complaining that the MVP award always goes to a quarterback or running back -- 90 percent of football action occurs away from the ball!

And with players who were undrafted and played their college ball at NAIA schools.

-- and created my own award in 2001. Three years ago, an impressive-looking trophy was added, along with a presentation on media day at the Super Bowl.

Number of recipients who have not been creeped out/annoyed by this process: zero.

"SportsCenter," show the trophy presentation live next year!

Ah, two of ESPN's crappiest institutions in one place at one time. I can only imagine.

This year's finalists were Gary Brackett and Dallas Clark of Indianapolis, Jahri Evans and Darren Sharper of New Orleans; Nick Mangold and Darrelle Revis of Jersey/B; and Sidney Rice and Kevin Williams of Minnesota.

Are you ready for the good stuff?

Only players from the championship round were eligible: My reasoning is that if you would wear the mantle of Most Valuable, you better have created some value.

And again.

Only players from the championship round were eligible: My reasoning is that if you would wear the mantle of Most Valuable, you better have created some value.

And one last time.

Only players from the championship round were eligible: My reasoning is that if you would wear the mantle of Most Valuable, you better have created some value.

Here's a very short list of non QB/RBs who, according to Gregg, did not create value this year:

Andre Johnson
Ryan Clady
Vernon Davis
DeMarcus Ware
Haloti Ngata
Nnamdi Asomugha

Your own in the comments! Oh my God, this man is so fucking dumb.

In addition to watching way too much film of these players, I consulted experts. My oldest son's high school football coach, James Collins,

Ah, presumably coach of the official son of TMQ, the WASPily-named Spenser.

favored Evans, the league's best offensive lineman. Aaron Schatz of Football Outsiders favored Revis, the league's best corner. K.C. Joyner, the Football Scientist -- who actually reviews every snap of every game; he is a brave man --

As opposed to Gregg, who turns on the game, waits for a blitz to not work so he can write about that, notes which coach is wearing more clothing so he can write about that if the team loses, and then goes back to his West Wing DVDs.

favored Clark, because of his disruptive impact on opposing secondaries. Unlike many Pro Bowl voters, all three of my insider sources pay close attention to actual NFL performance, as opposed to hype.

The Pro Bowl voters are a group of questionable intelligence. For my money, though, they ain't got shit on Mr. "If the team that lost on a last second field goal had just run up the middle instead of throwing an incomplete pass on a play with 14 minutes left in the 4th quarter, they would have won because the clock would have expired before the final field goal!" over here.

In conclusion: maybe next year you'll be eligible to receive a dinky trophy from Gregg Easterbrook (in what must be a painfully awkward ceremony) if you just get out there and create some value, Charles Woodson!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Convenient Loss of Memory: Bill Simmons Edition

Low hanging fruit, I know. Even as a self-confessed Colts/Manning hater, I was offended by this quote from Bill's retrospective running diary of the second half of the Superbowl.

So it was a classic "Sliding Doors" moment: If Manning comes through and Indy prevails, his résumé becomes impenetrable. But that pass prevented it from happening, and also, it might be the worst pass ever thrown in a big modern moment by a great quarterback not named "Favre." (Seriously, can you think of another one?)

Yes, I can actually. His name is Tom Brady, and on 3rd and goal, he threw a pass, off his back foot, from the 15 yard line at a receiver in the endzone who was blanketed by the best cover-corner of the decade, who then returned it all the way to the Pat's 2 yard line, and ended the very real possibility of New England winning 4 Super Bowls in 5 years. How's that for a horrible pass by a great quarterback not named Favre in a big modern moment? Video for those who don't remember:

Champ Bailey Interception

marvin | MySpace Video

Sunday, February 7, 2010

No One Has Posted In a While. Better Pick on Simmons to Make Up for It, I Guess

As always, the standard Simmons post disclaimer applies: yes, I am extremely jealous of him. I only pick on him because I want to be him. In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room. Right next to my Bill Simmons poster, and a signed copy of every book he's ever written. In fact, as I type this post from my parents' basement, I'm wearing my Bill Simmons pajamas. Because he's the funniest and best sportswriter ever.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, a Boston reader named Zeke S. slapped some sense into me last week: "Simmons, you know that there are children who haven't seen a mailbag by you all decade!?!?!?"

Bill Simmons and the sycophants who enable him, everyone! As usual, I won't link his column. Find it yourself if you want to, and would rather read about pop culture than sports.

Re: the AFC Championship Game

What shocked me most: I was sitting there expecting Manning to come through … a player I always assumed would choke in big moments as recently as four years ago.

Of course you did. Because you're a stupid clod who is constantly making up rules, and manifestos, and guidelines, and fucking whatever else you can to help you try to predict the future. Because you're smart! There MUST be a formula out there for picking winners, there's GOTTA be one! If anyone can figure it out, it's you! There MUST be a way to help us predict with certainty what a QB will do every single time he faces a high pressure situation in the playoffs! The best part is that you never can quite figure out that there isn't a gambling manifesto to be written, and there isn't a way to be sure a QB will do X or Y under pressure. So you keep guessing and prognosticating, year after year after year. It's a complete and total train wreck. And I love it. I can't wait for him to fail at predicting anything and everything next NFL season. Looking forward to it already.

There's a bunch more stuff in here fluffing Manning (relative to Brees), and I'd love to include it in this post since the Saints just finished off the Colts, but that'd be kind of lame. If I were going to pick on him for that I should have done it before the game. Needless to say, his Super Bowl prediction was... wrong. Completely. And based on the idea that Manning, literally the only player in the game to make a crucial mistake, was too good to bet against. Now, am I saying Manning is a choky choke artist who always chokes under pressure because he's a choker who makes the Peyton face? Of course not. In general, I'd bet on him in a game against pretty much anyone. But if any team was going to beat his, it was one QBed by someone on his level, with an opportunistic defense that took risks to generate turnovers. I am smart and Bill Simmons is a tard. The end. Let's get on to the rest of the crap in his mailbag.

Q: Where does Mike Dunleavy stepping down rank in your greatest moments as a Clippers season-ticket holder?
--Dan, St. Paul, Minn.

You know what really killed Dunleavy? The 2009-10 Portland Trail Blazers. He couldn't rope Donald Sterling and L.A.'s front office into the whole "we'd be doing great if we didn't have all these injuries!" excuse for the fourth time in seven years as the decimated Blazers keep chugging along toward 50 wins while losing a key guy every other week.

Yeah, that must have been it. Comparisons between his team and another team in a different division dealing with a totall different injury-related situation. Sterling wasn't really focused too much on the Clippers and their problems, independently; he was a lot more worried about whether they were playing like the Blazers. Or the Bucks. Or some team with a bunch of injuries in the Italian league. This is like saying "Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions related to the JFK assassination, but you know what's really crazy about it? No one knows what Kennedy had for breakfast that day."

Q: Since the Clippers removed Dunleavy from coaching, I would love it if you could compare your jubilation, relief, and/or excitement to a movie scene. Are we talking "Shawshank" when Andy has made it out of the sewer pipe? "Goonies" when they rip up the contract? Lots of places to go here.
--Greg, Haddam, Conn.

More enabling. Die, Greg. I think a lot of my hatred for Simmons would fade if he didn't have such a giant army of loyal assholes encouraging him at every turn to keep doing the same tired and unimaginative shit he's been doing for the past X years. Say Bill, when the Patriots got buttfucked by the Ravens in the playoffs this year, could you compare it to a moment in Red Sox history between 1951 and 2003? And reference Jersey Shore in the same paragraph? Thanks. Signed, some jagmo from New Hampshire.

I found out about Dunleavy in a fairly memorable way -- while driving from Washington to Miami with my buddy House for the Audi Efficiency Challenge. (Note: Our 14-hour journey raised $20,000 for the Red Cross in Haiti. I drove the first 700 miles before coming out to a standing ovation.

THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME! EVERYONE LIKES ME! Where was the meteor that cheering crowd of Simmonsites so desperately deserved?

Q: Troy Aikman's dull monotone must be exactly the same as Hannibal Lecter talking to Miggs before he killed himself.
--Mike W., Louisville

SG: (dull monotone) You're exactly right, Mike.

Hey-ohhhh! Movie reference, right back at you, Mike! YOUR MOVE.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read.

Re: the possibility that Kevin Garnett is injured beyond repair, after he wasted his prime in Minnesota and only at the end of his run played for a decent team

Can you complain if you're a Celtics fan? Of course not.

But of course you're about to.

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months. Of course …

Of course you're about to complain.

Q: If you could go back in time "Lost"-style and fix the 2007 lottery so the Celtics landed the second pick, would you keep what happened (No. 5 pick, KG trade, 2008 title, everything else that happened up to now), or would you switch it so that they ended up with the No. 2 pick and Durant?
--Dr. Bill Simmons, Boston

Wow. When he can't find any readers to enable him, he simply enables himself with a pompous "pseudonym."

SG: OK, I fibbed that one. My dad asked me that on the phone this week. And we both came to the same conclusion pretty quickly: You'd have to go with Durant.

Of course. Because winning a title isn't enough. I'll give him this, though- he nailed that Durant/Oden thing. Probably. Almost definitely.

And if you remember, the 2007 Celts had a decent nucleus in place already (Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, the rights to Minnesota's No. 1) and easily could have turned a couple of those assets into Pau Gasol a couple of months later.

Gasol + Brian Scalabrine = double the number of white guys on the Celtics roster! That's really what this is about.

Q: How is it possible that Greg Oden beat out Ron Artest to become the first NBA player to have naked pictures show up on the Internet? If Vegas had odds on this, what would they have been? I'm thinking Artest at 6:5, Oden more like 38,901,257:1.
--Frank, Long Island

SG: Agreed. Total shocker. Although it did allow me to make the "they weren't kidding when they said Oden's legs were different sizes" joke. And look, I hate to cry conspiracy here, but have you ever noticed that every time a photograph or sex tape gets leaked of a naked male celebrity -- I have to put this gently -- it turns out that the guy had nothing to be ashamed of? Why aren't any of these guys ever built like the guy who pops out of the trunk in "The Hangover"? It's an amazing ongoing "coincidence."

Bill, you have a tiny penis. Everyone else just looks big by comparison. Man, I'm getting really lowbrow here. I'm not proud of it. But this is the kind of thing that happens when I realize no one has posted in a while, and I go to ESPN's front page to find something to pick apart.

SG: That's not a good sign for the Oscar hopes of "Avatar" -- that two reality stars ended up being the highlight of your night. But I'm glad you brought up "Jersey Shore."

Of course you are. You know nothing about sports outside of the NBA (which you don't know that much about in the first place) and the Red Sox/Yankees.

Q: Why is Brett Favre's career better than Kurt Warner's again? Every single statistic that is a "rate" favors Warner as well as career QB rating. Favre playoff record: 12-10. Warner playoff record: 8-3. Why do we stalk Favre's land manor every winter and we're going to let Warner go in peace?
--Dan, New York

SG: Because people care about Brett Favre.

Question comprehension fail.

Q: Remember when Rex Ryan was screaming at the officials during the AFC Championship Game (but we couldn't hear what he was saying)? This is what we yelled at the TV. "I SAID TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!" "WHO ORDERED THAT SALAD?!?" "SLOPPY JOES!" I would have to say that everybody watching across America probably said something to that effect. What else would have been funny?
--Neal, Seattle

SG: I'm going with "Get in my belly!!!!" or "Get … in … my … belllllllllly!"

Like that character from that movie that was relevant ten years ago! I'm pretty sure Bill is on the writing staff for those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Awful Parody Movie movies. LOL WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY'RE DOING IN THE ORIGINAL, BUT MORE SILLIER!

Q: Imagine if LeBron started a complete new trend starting in 2010 where he just decided, "Eff it, I'm winning a ring EVERY year" and signed one-year contracts EVERY YEAR for the biggest contender with cap space that could afford him. In true LeBron style, he begins a completely new type of superstar -- the "Superstar Hitman." It's as if we could have the 2010 LeBron sweepstakes EVERY YEAR! Can you imagine?
--Chris S., Brisbane, Australia

SG: Don't laugh -- you might see a modified version of that.

OK, there's no doubt that the NBA and its union are heading into some seriously choppy seas. There might be a strike, or a lockout, and there will certainly be a new CBA with some new rules in it. But this email reminds me of the column Bill put out last year in which he surmised that something like 10 NBA teams would contract within the next couple of years. Man, I need to go back and find that for a good laugh. Classic Simmons- take a somewhat interesting topic- make up a bunch of bullshit to go around it- come to a ridiculous conclusion which makes no sense and really exposes your ignorance and hubris- publish- profit. God I love America.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Argh. Die, Chris Berman

Get off my TV, you talentless, irrelevant, ugly hack. His lead-in for a Super Bowl hype segment on Sportscenter tonight, after a montage set to The Who's "Baba O'Riley" plays:

The Colts weren't fooled in Miami three years ago....

"Fooled," like it talks about in that song! That song by The Who! Not the Who song that just played during that montage... but still, a Who song! And they're playing at halftime! Halftime of the Super Bowl! The Super Bowl the Colts will be playing in, that is! It all fits together!

[mindless garbage I didn't bother to rewind the DVR to transcribe]

...and it's safe to say that this Sunday, they won't get fooled again!

OMG LIKE THE SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like I already said- die, Berman.