Sunday, February 7, 2010

No One Has Posted In a While. Better Pick on Simmons to Make Up for It, I Guess

As always, the standard Simmons post disclaimer applies: yes, I am extremely jealous of him. I only pick on him because I want to be him. In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room. Right next to my Bill Simmons poster, and a signed copy of every book he's ever written. In fact, as I type this post from my parents' basement, I'm wearing my Bill Simmons pajamas. Because he's the funniest and best sportswriter ever.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, a Boston reader named Zeke S. slapped some sense into me last week: "Simmons, you know that there are children who haven't seen a mailbag by you all decade!?!?!?"


Bill Simmons and the sycophants who enable him, everyone! As usual, I won't link his column. Find it yourself if you want to, and would rather read about pop culture than sports.

Re: the AFC Championship Game

What shocked me most: I was sitting there expecting Manning to come through … a player I always assumed would choke in big moments as recently as four years ago.

Of course you did. Because you're a stupid clod who is constantly making up rules, and manifestos, and guidelines, and fucking whatever else you can to help you try to predict the future. Because you're smart! There MUST be a formula out there for picking winners, there's GOTTA be one! If anyone can figure it out, it's you! There MUST be a way to help us predict with certainty what a QB will do every single time he faces a high pressure situation in the playoffs! The best part is that you never can quite figure out that there isn't a gambling manifesto to be written, and there isn't a way to be sure a QB will do X or Y under pressure. So you keep guessing and prognosticating, year after year after year. It's a complete and total train wreck. And I love it. I can't wait for him to fail at predicting anything and everything next NFL season. Looking forward to it already.

There's a bunch more stuff in here fluffing Manning (relative to Brees), and I'd love to include it in this post since the Saints just finished off the Colts, but that'd be kind of lame. If I were going to pick on him for that I should have done it before the game. Needless to say, his Super Bowl prediction was... wrong. Completely. And based on the idea that Manning, literally the only player in the game to make a crucial mistake, was too good to bet against. Now, am I saying Manning is a choky choke artist who always chokes under pressure because he's a choker who makes the Peyton face? Of course not. In general, I'd bet on him in a game against pretty much anyone. But if any team was going to beat his, it was one QBed by someone on his level, with an opportunistic defense that took risks to generate turnovers. I am smart and Bill Simmons is a tard. The end. Let's get on to the rest of the crap in his mailbag.

Q: Where does Mike Dunleavy stepping down rank in your greatest moments as a Clippers season-ticket holder?
--Dan, St. Paul, Minn.

You know what really killed Dunleavy? The 2009-10 Portland Trail Blazers. He couldn't rope Donald Sterling and L.A.'s front office into the whole "we'd be doing great if we didn't have all these injuries!" excuse for the fourth time in seven years as the decimated Blazers keep chugging along toward 50 wins while losing a key guy every other week.

Yeah, that must have been it. Comparisons between his team and another team in a different division dealing with a totall different injury-related situation. Sterling wasn't really focused too much on the Clippers and their problems, independently; he was a lot more worried about whether they were playing like the Blazers. Or the Bucks. Or some team with a bunch of injuries in the Italian league. This is like saying "Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions related to the JFK assassination, but you know what's really crazy about it? No one knows what Kennedy had for breakfast that day."

Q: Since the Clippers removed Dunleavy from coaching, I would love it if you could compare your jubilation, relief, and/or excitement to a movie scene. Are we talking "Shawshank" when Andy has made it out of the sewer pipe? "Goonies" when they rip up the contract? Lots of places to go here.
--Greg, Haddam, Conn.

More enabling. Die, Greg. I think a lot of my hatred for Simmons would fade if he didn't have such a giant army of loyal assholes encouraging him at every turn to keep doing the same tired and unimaginative shit he's been doing for the past X years. Say Bill, when the Patriots got buttfucked by the Ravens in the playoffs this year, could you compare it to a moment in Red Sox history between 1951 and 2003? And reference Jersey Shore in the same paragraph? Thanks. Signed, some jagmo from New Hampshire.

I found out about Dunleavy in a fairly memorable way -- while driving from Washington to Miami with my buddy House for the Audi Efficiency Challenge. (Note: Our 14-hour journey raised $20,000 for the Red Cross in Haiti. I drove the first 700 miles before coming out to a standing ovation.

THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME! EVERYONE LIKES ME! Where was the meteor that cheering crowd of Simmonsites so desperately deserved?

Q: Troy Aikman's dull monotone must be exactly the same as Hannibal Lecter talking to Miggs before he killed himself.
--Mike W., Louisville

SG: (dull monotone) You're exactly right, Mike.

Hey-ohhhh! Movie reference, right back at you, Mike! YOUR MOVE.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read.

Re: the possibility that Kevin Garnett is injured beyond repair, after he wasted his prime in Minnesota and only at the end of his run played for a decent team

Can you complain if you're a Celtics fan? Of course not.

But of course you're about to.

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months. Of course …

Of course you're about to complain.

Q: If you could go back in time "Lost"-style and fix the 2007 lottery so the Celtics landed the second pick, would you keep what happened (No. 5 pick, KG trade, 2008 title, everything else that happened up to now), or would you switch it so that they ended up with the No. 2 pick and Durant?
--Dr. Bill Simmons, Boston

Wow. When he can't find any readers to enable him, he simply enables himself with a pompous "pseudonym."

SG: OK, I fibbed that one. My dad asked me that on the phone this week. And we both came to the same conclusion pretty quickly: You'd have to go with Durant.

Of course. Because winning a title isn't enough. I'll give him this, though- he nailed that Durant/Oden thing. Probably. Almost definitely.

And if you remember, the 2007 Celts had a decent nucleus in place already (Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, the rights to Minnesota's No. 1) and easily could have turned a couple of those assets into Pau Gasol a couple of months later.

Gasol + Brian Scalabrine = double the number of white guys on the Celtics roster! That's really what this is about.

Q: How is it possible that Greg Oden beat out Ron Artest to become the first NBA player to have naked pictures show up on the Internet? If Vegas had odds on this, what would they have been? I'm thinking Artest at 6:5, Oden more like 38,901,257:1.
--Frank, Long Island

SG: Agreed. Total shocker. Although it did allow me to make the "they weren't kidding when they said Oden's legs were different sizes" joke. And look, I hate to cry conspiracy here, but have you ever noticed that every time a photograph or sex tape gets leaked of a naked male celebrity -- I have to put this gently -- it turns out that the guy had nothing to be ashamed of? Why aren't any of these guys ever built like the guy who pops out of the trunk in "The Hangover"? It's an amazing ongoing "coincidence."

Bill, you have a tiny penis. Everyone else just looks big by comparison. Man, I'm getting really lowbrow here. I'm not proud of it. But this is the kind of thing that happens when I realize no one has posted in a while, and I go to ESPN's front page to find something to pick apart.

SG: That's not a good sign for the Oscar hopes of "Avatar" -- that two reality stars ended up being the highlight of your night. But I'm glad you brought up "Jersey Shore."

Of course you are. You know nothing about sports outside of the NBA (which you don't know that much about in the first place) and the Red Sox/Yankees.

Q: Why is Brett Favre's career better than Kurt Warner's again? Every single statistic that is a "rate" favors Warner as well as career QB rating. Favre playoff record: 12-10. Warner playoff record: 8-3. Why do we stalk Favre's land manor every winter and we're going to let Warner go in peace?
--Dan, New York

SG: Because people care about Brett Favre.

Question comprehension fail.

Q: Remember when Rex Ryan was screaming at the officials during the AFC Championship Game (but we couldn't hear what he was saying)? This is what we yelled at the TV. "I SAID TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!" "WHO ORDERED THAT SALAD?!?" "SLOPPY JOES!" I would have to say that everybody watching across America probably said something to that effect. What else would have been funny?
--Neal, Seattle

SG: I'm going with "Get in my belly!!!!" or "Get … in … my … belllllllllly!"

Like that character from that movie that was relevant ten years ago! I'm pretty sure Bill is on the writing staff for those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Awful Parody Movie movies. LOL WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY'RE DOING IN THE ORIGINAL, BUT MORE SILLIER!

Q: Imagine if LeBron started a complete new trend starting in 2010 where he just decided, "Eff it, I'm winning a ring EVERY year" and signed one-year contracts EVERY YEAR for the biggest contender with cap space that could afford him. In true LeBron style, he begins a completely new type of superstar -- the "Superstar Hitman." It's as if we could have the 2010 LeBron sweepstakes EVERY YEAR! Can you imagine?
--Chris S., Brisbane, Australia

SG: Don't laugh -- you might see a modified version of that.

OK, there's no doubt that the NBA and its union are heading into some seriously choppy seas. There might be a strike, or a lockout, and there will certainly be a new CBA with some new rules in it. But this email reminds me of the column Bill put out last year in which he surmised that something like 10 NBA teams would contract within the next couple of years. Man, I need to go back and find that for a good laugh. Classic Simmons- take a somewhat interesting topic- make up a bunch of bullshit to go around it- come to a ridiculous conclusion which makes no sense and really exposes your ignorance and hubris- publish- profit. God I love America.

6 comments:

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Tonus said...

Japanese spam! You guys have arrived.

PS: "In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room."

A cool kid would have a Bill Simmons FATHEAD on the wall.

Dylan Murphy said...

You forgot the Bill Simmons lunchbox.

Mr. Samurai said...

Oh my god, that japanese spam just wrote a Gregg Easterbrook column: Incomprehensible BS, creepy SEX (cheerleader pics) out of nowhere, back to being incomprehensible.

Jack M said...

The original Scary Movie is on the Mount Rushmore of spoof movies.

Adam said...

Actually the Japanese spam is more entertaining than an Easterbrook column.

I am always up for some Simmons bashing, so I have to call him out on a few things.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

Nobody has ever cared about women's tennis. This is like saying "name me your favorite curling match of the last 10 years. You can't. Now name me your favorite jai alai match of the last 10 years. You can't. See, I'm smart."

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months

No. Nobody expected a four or five year run. Kevin Garnett is 33 and in his 15th season. Paul Pierce is 32 and in his 12th season. Ray Allen is 34 and in his 15th season. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen. You even said at the time of the trade it was basically an all-in for a shot at one championship. You got it, so STFU.

This is like the Simmons column where he says "Red Sox fans can't complain for 5 years after 2004 but... I'm going to bitch about stuff"

- Simmons has such a massive boner for Durant it is kind of sick. I think any other player he would have taken the championship. Most fans would. I guess we will see what happens with OKC in the next few years, but having Durant does not guarantee anything. It's an interesting discussion, not an easy answer as he implies.

- The LeBron thing is so asinine. That is probably another Simmons email to himself. Either that or there is somebody in Australia who happens to think and talk exactly like him.

Anyway, besides the fact that it will never happen, there are two obvious flaws with this logic.

First is, if LeBron could single handedly win a championship, wouldn't he have done it already? There has to be only a handful of teams in the league in any given year could win a title simply by adding LeBron. And what are the odds that there would be 10different teams in 10 consecutive years that would have cap space enough for him and be in such a situation?

Second, if LeBron could win 10 consecutive rings, why would he have to switch teams to do it? Even if he wanted to do whatever it took to maximize his income, the NBA salary cap is freaking complicated and there is no guarantee that the max contract value will go up every year.