Now that the Heat are champs, let us review the dumbest "fan opinion" article ever written

Deadspin is generally fucking worthless, but it does a good job of dumping on the silliness that is ESPN First Take.  Not that First Take is hard to dump on (although let us never forget that Skip rules all shit), but I appreciate the way Deadspin covers it. For example, on Tuesday, they posted this.  It's a great demonstration of the absurd contrarianism First Take tries to cultivate, while looking incredibly silly in the process.  So you think that with as good as they are at pointing out that First Take is idiotic, they would never publish something like what you're about to read.  But you'd be wrong.  It is the most embarrassingly bad "Hey I'm just a fan and this my opinion on what it means to be a fan" piece I have ever read.  I'm sure you could pick up the topic from the title or first couple of sentences, but I'll just let you know that it was posted Wednesday morning in response to the (rightful) laugh America had at the expense of "fans" of the Heat who headed for the exits when Game 6 was still well in question.

In Defense of Leaving Early

by Bobby Big Wheel

I do not want to put on my Bill Simmons hat (fortunately I don't even have one) and try to write my own little manifesto about when it's OK to leave a game early and when it is not.  Instead, before we get into the substance of the article, let me just address Tuesday night's situation with as much tact and sophistication as I can muster: If you are a Heat fan (as opposed to some lucky piece of shit who doesn't care about the Heat or Spurs and just stumbled into Finals tickets and decided to go on a whim--this is not addressed to you) who was not having a medical emergency and you left that game early, you're a fucking idiot.  A fucking.  Idiot.  Period.  You deserve to be laughed at forever.  Now, let's give Bobby the floor, to explain why what I just said is wrong, because something Hartford Whalers something traffic.

I always hated leaving Whalers games early. 

Someone has their communications degree, or at least a minor.  "Establish credibility with the audience by acknowledging the validity of the opposite viewpoint of the one you're about to take.  If possible, connect with that opposite viewpoint via a personal anecdote or story so as to make your acknowledgement more authentic."  You're welcome, I just saved you $500 in devry.com online lectures.  

Maybe if they were down three goals I could be coaxed out of my seat when the PA announcer said, "Oooooooone minute left in the period." But it would take all of my father's cajoling to get me to leave the Hartford Civic Center before the crush of 10,000 people parked in the same three garages made his trek home a nightmare. He didn't spend five minutes backing a Mercury Grand Marquis into a too-small parking spot just to get stuck afterward in a 15-minute line of cars crawling toward a cash-only booth.

Surely that anecdote is very relevant to the way parking is handled at American Airlines Arena in Miami in the year 2013.

I won't pretend he had to clock in at the steel mill the next morning. He had a white-collar job at an insurance company, one that paid well enough for him to afford Whalers season tickets. 

Simmons, if given the chance to write about that same situation: "My dad was barely making ends meet!  He thought about selling our playoff tickets to put bread on the table for another week, but he just couldn't do it. Those moments are too special.  Later, he was fired from the steel mill for consistent absenteeism.  Fortunately he also had a job as an investment banker, so we ended up doing fine."

But he faced the same problems the rest of the 99 percent faces. Nobody has a pension; 

What?  Please get back on topic.

nobody has a guarantee; and raising three kids takes a big bite out of your nest egg. He had to be in the office the next morning around the same time that I had to be at the bus stop, and getting home at 11 p.m. would've just made everything even more of a hassle. So fuck it, we were going home, even though we were down only 3-1 to the Penguins.

That's fine.  It's worth pointing out that the difference between getting home at 10:45 and getting home at 11:00 is really pretty tiny, but I will honor his point and acknowledge that his dad did save some time in this madeup story.  On the other hand, here's something pretty fucking important to consider: the Whalers never met the Penguins in the playoffs, nor did they ever play any NHL team (other than the Canadiens, in 1986) in any round of the playoffs other than the first round, so the above anecdote about leaving during the 3rd period of a 3-1 game most definitely did not happen during the Stanley Cup finals.  Say, in game 6.  Say, with the Whalers down three games to two in the series and down by a single goal in the game.  So really, Bobby Big Wheel's attempt to establish credibility regarding the Heat's game six early exiters has failed miserably, because: it's not even close to the same fucking thing.

It's easy to make fun of Heat fans for leaving Game 6 

Oh yes, it's very easy!  I'll even link to Deadspin without making fun of them again, to prove my point: look at these people!  They look (and sound) like fucking assholes!  It's hilarious!

when it'd looked like all was lost. 

Oh, but here's the thing.  To a fan with any knowledge of the game, as well as the knowledge that this is a "win or season over" game, all was never lost.  They were down five with 0:28 to go, but had the ball.  Then they were down three with 0:19 to go, but again had the ball.  Neither of those are "whelp pack it in, it's over" moments.  Maybe down seven with 0:19 and without the ball, having just fouled.  At that point I'd say all is almost lost.  Other team makes the free throws, pushes it to nine, all is lost.  You are free to go.  But where the Heat were on Tuesday night before Ray Allen's big game tying three?  Nope.  

Even local TV reporters, a class of professionally unembarrassed people, said they were embarrassed, that the stereotypes about Heat fans were true, that Miami was a Bad Sports Town. 

All of these things are true.  Doesn't make Miami a bad city, but they are definitely true.

But fandom isn't the same thing as slavish devotion. 

/watches Bobby Big Wheel climb onto rickety soap box

Your favorite team doesn't pay you, and it doesn't owe you anything. 

And how do you know this?  Please stay on topic.

I learned that lesson when the Whalers left for North Carolina. 

/rickety soap box collapses, leaving Bobby Big Wheel bleeding on the ground

Let's be very, very clear about this: realizing that pro sports owners are assholes who will sell out fans to make a buck has goddamn nothing to do with whether or not you, if you are a real fan of a team, should leave a playoff elimination game while the outcome is still in question.  Fuck you.

Sportswriters easily forget that for most people attending a game is a hobby, a fun diversion, not a job.

That's fine, I agree that you don't have to be a diehard to attend a game, but to get tickets to a possible championship deciding game, you're either a rich prick or a very devoted fan.  I didn't look at the prices on StubHub on Tuesday night but I'm sure the cheapest nosebleed seats were hundreds of dollars.  There were no groups of friends there who said on a whim "Hey I know none of us care about the Heat, but let's go to the game anyways, could be a fun evening!"  Everyone who was there was, again, either a rich prick who can handle being mocked, or someone who had one of the most telltale signs of ostensibly serious fandom: spending gobs of money to see the team play.  Spare me your pathetic sermon about how IT'S JUST A GAME PEOPLE SHEESH LIGHTEN UP.  Yes, it is just a game.  Doesn't change the fact that the people who left early are bad fans and complete tards.

Expecting fans to stay until the end of a game reeks of the same fogeyism that bemoans kids checking their phones all the time. 

In fact, I AM a kid who checks his phone all the time.  The people that left are still fucking assholes who deserve to be mocked.  I am repeating myself, but one more time, just to be clear: game 6 of the NBA Finals with the Heat down three games to two and down five points with 0:28 left is not on the same fucking planet as the Whalers trailing the Penguins 3-1 with four minutes left during regular season game #19 in December 1991.  

Maybe in the '50s—when we all had pensions 

Why again with the pensions?  Stop it with the pensions.

and a union, and the day could more easily be carved up into eight-hour blocks of sleep, work, and leisure—maybe then sports fans could be expected to devote four hours to watching a game in-person. 

It would be much easier to do it then, I agree.  It's still very possible to do it now, ESPECIALLY FOR GAMES LIKE THE ONE IN QUESTION.

But this is 2013—the friction of everyday life is far too great to expect total devotion from all but the obscenely wealthy or the totally unemployable. 

Here's the coup de grace, folks.  While I earlier noted (correctly, I would think) that everyone who could afford tickets to Tuesday's game was probably rich or a serious fan, here is Bobby's knockout punch: in fact, the only people who should bother with staying until the end and dealing with traffic are those same richie riches and people who are really dumb.  

Fans already endure the indignities of wretched traffic, overpriced concessions, and the potential for heartbreak when they attend a game in person. 

You know why they do it, or at least why I do it?  Because if the team wins, it's awesome!  And if they win a historically great game, like game 6, it's even more awesome.  And if you leave when they could still win because you feel like beating traffic, you deserve to be mocked.  Not too hard to figure out.

Don't they at least deserve the option to look away when things go sideways and maybe get a good night's sleep, too?

Down twenty with three minutes to go is sideways.  Down five with 0:28 to go is not.

At least some of the Heat fans who left the game early were doing the same back-of-the-envelope math that my father used to do. 

When he made you leave a meaningless regular season game early.

(Down 5 + 58 seconds left) x (10 minutes to the car + 30 minutes of traffic) / (Joey's math homework + an 8:30 conference call) = we're headed for the exits. Look again at the fans leaving early. 

Thanks, I will!  What a bunch of bozos!

You don't see a lot of the chinstrap beards and glass earrings we expect of our Heat stereotypes. I just see a bunch of weary-looking people who were at a basketball game less than nine hours before they had to leave for work the next morning. It's like they don't even listen to Pitbull.

The Pitbull line is actually pretty good.  Unfortunately the sentence before it is one of the most idiotic in this post.  Less than nine hours!  Why, some of them probably only got six hours of sleep!  What is this world we live in???????

As last night reminded us, sports are fun. At least, they're supposed to be. But you have to fit them into an already cluttered life, and sometimes the fit isn't perfect. The Heat fans who left the game early were playing the percentages. They surely regret their decision today, but it's not an indefensible one. 

Your attempt to defense it looks like the Hindenberg landing right now.

Sports intrude on everything now—on your workday, on your mood, on your taxes, on your cable bill.

Uh... if you let them, I guess?  A lot of people don't, but they're still going to get fired the fuck up if they pay big bucks to see their team in person in a championship round game.  And most people who do let sports intrude on everything are the kind of people who would kill to be at a game where their favorite team won the way the Heat won on Tuesday.

Nothing wrong with fans exercising their diminishing prerogative to check the fuck out. 

If you were in attendance on Tuesday night, and are a Heat fan, and said to yourself with 0:28 to play, "Eh, you know what, I've followed the Heat closely all these years, but I'm so tired of sports being such a big part of my life.  Now is the exact correct moment to fight against that trend.  I think I'll leave right now", then I hope you get mangled in a parasailing accident.  The end.

Hey, Want To Read Some Jackass's 6,000 Word History Lesson About How Boston Changed Between 1998 and 2008?

Of course you don't. So avoid Bill Simmons's latest column. Here's what you need to know- back then it was full of racists, and now it's full of racists who are really excited about their local sports franchises. Anyways, in keeping with the spirit of this blog's unwritten policy that I must complain about Simmons's misconceptions about the uniqueness of Boston's fan base at least once every four hours, here's the most preposterous section of the article:

That's a phenomenon unique to this particular city -- an unusually high level of fraternizing between the Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots that started a few years ago and eventually reached the point that players show up to support the other teams.

OK... listen, dickass. This is really becoming your "thing," isn't it? Always gotta slip it into your columns. Boy, Jay Mariotti's inability to realize that there is nothing special about July 2, 2006 doesn't have shit on Bill's inability to realize that this is the kind of thing that happens in every multi-sport city all the fucking time. Boston. Fans. Are. Not. Special. (Here's the most in-depth post I've ever made about the subject, but you don't have to look too hard to find dozens of other small examples scattered here and there.) Not even their athlete fans. How do I know this? Besides the fact that I'm not Bill Simmons, I've also seen or heard about Nuggets/Rockies/Avalanche/Broncos players attending each others' games since I can remember. And more recently I've experienced the same trend among Redskins/Capitals/Wizards/Nationals players. Now, Denver and DC are not exactly two cities known for their vibrant sports scene. The former is really just a town for binge drinkers and fitness nuts (what a juxtaposition!) while the latter tends to revolve around politics for some reason. So if players are showing up at each others' games in those cities, I'm very comfortable making the leap and assuming it's happening everywhere.

Now, there are two extra points I have to make to clarify my position.

1) Re: the context of Bill's comment, the list of Boston athletes/former athletes he cited as having been in attendance at Sunday night's Lakers/Celtics game was actually pretty impressive. Sort of. Bill Russell? Cool. (I hope he didn't get called the "n" word by the people in his section too much.) On the other hand, Coco Crisp and Antoine Walker? Whoop-de-balls. But it's certainly more impressive than a potential list of DC athletes/former athletes at a Nationals game on a Wednesday in May. You know why? Because the Boston list came from game two of the NBA Finals. And an absurdly-hyped and long-anticipated finals at that.

2) You know who was on Simmons's list, who I must concede might actually put Boston athletes over the top and convince me that they really are different and more special than other cities' athletes? That's right, the man with the diamond-encrusted 28" pecker himself... Tedy Bruschi. Bruschi! He's the founder and CEO of The United Way, UNICEF, and "Locks of Love!" Speaking of which, look at his hair! You've got an erection, don't you! Don't worry! That's normal! *Larry B trails off while making bad Bruschi jokes*

Bill Simmons Somehow Delivers A Very Inoffensive Chat Session; Several Shit-For-Brains Readers With Dumb Questions End Up Stealing The Show

The headline says it all. Actual questions from The Sports Guy's extravaganza of a chat on Wednesday, as answered by me, because Simmons is too nice to tell these people they need to turn off their computers and go back to laughing at Garfield comics and eating paste.

Mike (Philly, PA) : Bill, is McNabb done in Philly after Feeley's game on Sunday and Garcia's play last year?

Larry B: No, asshole. McNabb is potentially done because he's frequently injured, not playing very well this year, and both Philly's fans and management are getting tired of his bullshit. The performance of his replacements has nothing to do with it. Either or both could have bombed while filling in for him and it wouldn't have made him any less potentially done. It's not like Philly fans are saying "McNabb is great, but Feeley almost won last Sunday! Give him a 5 year deal!" They're saying "Screw McNAbb, we need someone new. Anyone."

Chris (Jersey City, NJ): Fair on balanced? What? While it may turn out that Sean Taylor was killed IN HIS HOME because of something that he had previously done wrong, it is a lot bit unfair that every story is referencing his past mistakes. If a regular non-famous person was killed during a break-in (the most obvious scenario) would the stories talk about that time in college when I got into a bar-fight or when I was lied to my boss about being sick so I could go away for a long weekend? No and no. Yet every single news outlet wants to link his being fined for the occassional late hit and his murder. That is not balanced at all.

Larry B: Due to the nature of my employment, I'm able to consume a large amount of sports media from a variety of sources on a daily basis. I can promise you that not one of them is trying to link his late hits while playing a sport and his tragic murder. Somehow you have arrived at this conclusion. When did you manage to do so? Right after you decided that the feds went after Mike Vick because he once flipped off his home crowd and got caught with some weed at an airport?

sammy (Florida): whatever happened to the steroid investigations that were going to happen after the world series and the players that were supposed to be 'outted'?

Larry B: Why are you asking me this? Do you understand how the internet works? This is a live ESPN chat during which about .1% of all questions submitted will actually be answered. There are about 1,000 better ways to figure this out right at your goddamn fingertips. Anything else you need to know? Are you wondering what the temperature is outside? Maybe you're looking for some deals on air travel or hotels? And on another level, anyone who cares about baseball knows the deadline for the Mitchell report is sometime before the end of the year. Although this aspect of your stupidity is much less glaring than the fact that you're asking me about "whatever happened?" to the Mitchell report.

Forest: (Minneapolis): Randomly I am forced to stay at work until 6 tonight which turns out to be the best punishment ever. I started watching the Wire on demand this fall and it has consumed me. It may be responsible for me failing out of school. Everything you have said about it is accurate. You can't hype the show up too much. Who's your favorite character? Its gotta be Lester or Omar, right?

Larry B: The Wire is a sweet show, so forget the question itself. Instead, let's go back to your preface: you've been forced to stay at work all the way until 6 tonight? Unless you're a teacher or a bank teller, you are officially a bitch for acting like that's significant. America does not feel your pain for having to work a whole half hour later than most people do.

John (Toronto, Canada): Whats up with no one realizing that the Patriots worst threat is a healthy Indy team.....I dont get how no one sees that this Indy team is the best they've had in recent years, but still no talk of a Superbowl....what do you think?

Larry B: Maybe you missed it, John. Less than a month ago, in one of the most hyped regular season NFL games in years, New England defeated Indy in Indy. Then, Dwight Freeney got sidelined for the season. Remember those events? Evidently not. Now, this doesn't mean the Colts aren't still a huge threat to the Patriots. But no one's going to be talking about seeing them in the Super Bowl anytime soon, because they lost to New England at home and then lost one of their best defensive players. That's how comparisons between two competing teams work.

Simon (Pueblo, CO): Kobe to Denver for Carmelo, mix in some other guys for cap reasons, tell me why this is bad for either team.

Larry B: Well, Simmons gave the obvious answer by making a joke about Kobe and his misadventures with rape in Colorado. Here's an even more obvious answer: the Nuggets have Allen Iverson. He and Kobe basically play the same position, and both love dribbling the ball around for the first twenty seconds of the shot clock. They would not play well together. At all.

Jesse (Chicago): Bill, I am disappointed that none of my questions have been answered yet. I know you are busy, but I actually did donate to Jimmy V Foundation. I figured a response wasn't too much to ask... I'm out

Larry B: Jesse, do you need me to call the WHAAAAAAMbulance for you? Do you have any idea how many people are sending Bill questions during this chat? He's probably getting like 10 every second. Suck it up and deal with it. Thanks for donating to a worthy cause. (Promotion of the foundation was the purpose of this chat, part of the reason I'm taking it easy on Simmons.) Here's your cookie. Go play in traffic.

Vev (Atlanta, GA): Do you have something against us women sports lovers since you haven't given us much print on answering our questions?

Larry B: I'm all for gender equality, Vev, but exactly how the hell do you know how many women are submitting questions? What if you're the only one, up against like 100,000 men? You're nearly as clueless as Jesse in Chicago.

Ricky, Sherman Oaks: I think it was you who noted that Kobe's teammates are significantly better than what MJ was working with towards the end of his run with the Bulls. What is the single greatest reason that Kobe simply cannot do what MJ did? Same drive, same passion, same vicious thirst to win, and both great offensive and defensive players. What is it?!?

Larry B: This is basically what Simmons said, but I was already thinking it before I read his response so I get to count it here as my own. I'll keep it simple for you, Ricky, because you seem like a simple guy. Kobe. Isn't. Nearly. As. Good. As. Jordan. Was. The. End.

Craig (Baltimore, MD): Will you ever re-release your Boston Sports Guy columns? Like many of your readers I've only seen your ESPN work. I would love to read your early stuff even if it means slitting my wrists from reading more love notes about the Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots. Plus can you hint at all on the new book???

Larry B: Always coming back for more even when they know it's not in their best interest. Tragically, these are Bill Simmons's readers.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others

I usually don't like arbitrarily constructed lists about sports. The classic example is the ever-present "power rankings" columns that permeate every major sports website. Other than providing hilarious user comments sections on a weekly basis (seriously, check them out sometime if you haven't before. ESPN, Fox Sports, CBS... doesn't really matter), those couldn't possibly be a bigger waste of time.

But I have to admit, some topics are best discussed in list format. Foxsports.com's Jeff Gordon (no, not THAT Jeff Gordon! LOL! NASSSCCCCCAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!11111) has assembled a kind of sort of interesting one. For your reading pleasure, he has listed what he considers to be the 10 best free agent signings in baseball history. And I have to concede that this is one of those rare topics that works better as a list. So take a look at his selections, and see if you can figure out why I'm blogging about his column right now instead of just silently nodding in approval and moving on to something else.

David Ortiz, Red Sox, 2002
Andre Dawson, Cubs, 1986
Reggie Jackson, Yankees, 1976
Greg Maddux, Braves, 1992
Roberto Alomar, Indians, 1998
Barry Bonds, Giants, 1993
Roger Clemens, Blue Jays, 1996
Kevin Brown, Marlins, 1995
Ichiro, Mariners, 2000
David Eckstein, Cardinals, 2004

Did you catch it? Go look again. In order, we have (all stats were acquired by candidates while playing for the new teams they signed with):

-A guy who has hit 241 HRs in 5 years
-A guy who won an MVP and OPS+ed 130 or better 3 out of 6 years
-A slam-dunk hall of famer who hit 144 HRs in 5 years
-One of the greatest pitchers ever and winner of 3 straight Cy Youngs
-A guy who in 3 years with his new team OPS+ed 139, 114, and 150 while playing unbelievable defense at a premium position
-One of the greatest hitters ever and winner of 4 straight MVPs (5 total with new team, 7 overall)
-One of the greatest pitchers ever and winner of 2 straight Cy Youngs (7 overall)
-A guy who recorded ERA+es of 216 and 150 in 2 years with his new team
-A guy with 7 straight seasons of 200+ hits, who may one day reach 3,000 despite not entering the league until age 27
-A guy who in 3 seasons with his new team OPS+ed 99, 81, and 93, and who plays bad defense at the most important defensive position on the field

Is it any clearer now? Let's let Gordon defend that final inclusion in his own words:

When he signed his three-year, $10.25 million free-agent deal after the 2004 season, some experts ripped the Cardinals for giving him too much money and too many years.

They were right.

After all, Eckstein was really a second baseman playing shortstop. He didn't possess great fielding range and his arm strength was famously poor.

Like I said, those critics were right.

He was a decent hitter,

He had just put up back to back OPS+es of 75 and 79. So, no. He was not. (Although it's fair to note that in context with those numbers from 2003 and 2004 in Anaheim, Eckstein's had a huge resurgence in St. Louis!)

but he had no power and little speed on the basepaths.

Absolutely right. All this for the low, low, low introductory rate of 10 million over 3 seasons.

But Eckstein was the perfect fit in St. Louis, where he moved into the lead-off spot.

Where he did not belong.

He earned two trips to the All-Star Game

Proving to fans everywhere that the All-Star selection process is a joke.

and became the MVP of the 2006 World Series, on the strength of his three doubles in Game 4 against Detroit.

He certainly had a great game 4 of the 2006 World Series. Can't take that away from him. He also went 0 for 5 in game 1 and 0 for 4 in game 2. He was also a complete anchor for the Cards that year overall, OPSing .696 in more than 550 plate appearances from the leadoff spot. It's a minor miracle St. Louis managed to limp into the playoffs at all considering what a shitbomb of a season he had. His 2005 and 2007 campaigns, although worth nowhere near what he was paid for posting them, were positively Bondsesque/Ruthian by comparison. Oh, did I mention he plays bad defense and the most important defensive position on the field? That's right, after all this, you're looking at what Jeff deems to be one of the 10 greatest free agent signings ever.

In many ways, he is the anti-A-Rod —a low-budget, low-glamour signing that produced maximum results.

Given this statement, I have to wonder what Gordon would consider "maximum results" from things or events in his everyday life. Say he told you he recently bought a used car, and was getting "maximum results" out of it. Would you be surprised if it didn't have an engine? Or wheels? What if he went on a date and came home reporting it ended with "maximum results." You couldn't really assume anything from that description other than that the girl didn't punch him in the face. "Maximum results" from a new appliance in Jeff's kitchen? As long as his house hadn't yet burned to the ground, that's probably how he would describe the situation.

David Eckstein. "Produced" "maximum" "results." Wow. The lunchpail alert is now at red. Bright, vibrant, red.

Look at what was left off so Gordon could squeeze Eckstein onto this list. Randy Johnson to the Diamondbacks in 1998? Overrated. Vlad Guerrero to the Angels in 2003? Yawn. You want to talk about truly great free agent signings? Look no further than America's favorite 4'7" white guy and his amazing ability to sprint from home to first on a ground ball.

Peter King vs. His Readers In a Terrible Mailbag Showdown

Gregg Easterbrook's TMQ column was surprisingly inoffensive this week, so I'm skipping it. Maybe he's been reading my angry diatribes and is changing his ways. Probably not. Anyways I'll check back with him in 6 days or so. For now, let's move on to something else.

Sometimes I feel like making fun of a mailbag column for a post is cheating. Instead of just dealing with a dumb journalist like Peter King, I get to shit all over both the journalist and his (usuall) even stupider readers. It's the closest thing there is to a guarantee in this hardcore anti-sports media blogging business. It's completely impossible for the column to not end up being a giant piece of crap. There are too many idiots involved. Because of this, are they really fair game for FireJay? I'm not sure. However: it's late, I know people will want to read something tomorrow, and TMQ let me down. Subsequently I need to find somebody to make fun of in a hurry. Peter/Peter's readers, thanks for being that somebody.

(Before he starts answering questions, King launches into a disaster of a mini-column about where teams should look for RB talent)

Did you notice the rushing leaderboard for Week 10? And did you notice the inactives last night for the Seahawks? There's a correlation. And the moral of the story is that running back is the last position I'd ever spend big free-agent money on if I ran an NFL franchise.

Check out the weekend's top five rushers, and how they entered the NFL:
1. Clinton Portis, Washington, second round.
2. Jesse Chatman, Miami, undrafted.
3. Ryan Grant, Green Bay, undrafted.
4. Selvin Young, Denver, undrafted.
5. Willie Parker, Pittsburgh, undrafted.

All this is mediocre (but not necessarily bad) analysis. Sure, it's interesting to note that some good NFL running backs have come from unlikely places. Same as some good QBs... or offensive linemen... or anyone from any position. So this is pretty vanilla but it's not stupid. I mean, I wouldn't spend a lot of money on a free agent RB. But King's also trying to make a point about RBs that are picked early in the draft. This is a problem.

Running backs are the curse of the NFL. Look at Chicago, which in the last 13 drafts has taken Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis and Cedric Benson in the first round and been disappointed by all three.

So 4 of the top 5 rushers from last weekend's games were undrafted? Awesome. Great. But one game seems like a pretty small sample size. What if we look at the top rushers from this entire season, and what round they were drafted in?

Peterson, 1
Parker, undrafted
Portis, 2
Addai, 1
Lynch, 1
McGahee, 1
Tomlinson, 1
Westbrook, 3
James, 1
L. White, 2
T. Jones, 1
R. Brown, 1

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, now things look a little different. Where's your Ryan Grant and Jesse Chatman now, Peter? Just to further prove my point, I went 5 years back (in order to allow for some turnover) and looked at the season rushing leaders in 2002 and their draft position.

R. Williams, 1
Tomlinson, 1
P. Holmes, undrafted
Portis, 2
T. Henry, 2
McAllister, 1
Barber, 2
J. Lewis, 1
Taylor, 1
Dillon, 2
Bennett, 1
A. Green, 3

In conclusion: shut up, Peter King. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but in general drafting a running back early looks like a pretty fucking good idea to me.

Parker, Chatman, Grant and Young are hungry. Downright starving, probably, after being stuck behind good backs like Jerome Bettis, Ronnie Brown and Tiki Barber. With the injuries that ravage teams every year, it's smart to have a good second and third back, but it's just as smart not to pay a first-teamer the big dough.

Paying "big dough" to big name free agent RBs like Edge James looks kind of silly, and King correctly says so a part of the column I haven't included here. But paying "big dough" to 1st round draft picks like Adrian Peterson or the 20 year old version of Edge James that the Colts took back in 1999 looks really, really smart. I mean, as long as you define "smart" in the game of football as "having guys on your team that play extremely well."

You can find guys on the NFL street to gain 1,200 yards for you. Happens every year.

Total 1,200 yard seasons in the NFL from 2002-2006: 59
Number of those compiled by players who were not drafted: 4 (2 by Priest Holmes, 2 by Willie Parker)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 4th round or later: 5 (1 by Chester Taylor, 1 by Stephen Davis, 3 by Rudi Johnson)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd round: 50

You are wrong. Stop telling your readers lies. It didn't happen as recently as 2004. And the overwhelming majority of 1,200 rushers in today's NFL are not just draft picks (as opposed to "guys off the street"), but 1st or 2nd round draft picks.

The lesson should ring out in every front office in the league over the next few years: Don't pay big money for a back who's been a star in the league.

Again, fair enough. Free agent backs are not a good idea. BUT-

Instead, develop your own later-round finds.

As long as they are named Rudi Johnson, yeah, sure, go ahead and develop them. If they are named anything else, I don't like your odds.

They come in all shapes and sizes.

What the fuck does that even mean? They are NFL running backs. Almost every single one of them is between 5'10" and 6'2", and somewhere in the neighborhood of 220 lbs. This is like saying "If you're like me, you like cans of soda. They come in all shapes and sizes."

MCNABB'S FUTURE. From Peter Hale of Woburn, Mass.: "Two quarterback-related questions: Any chance Donovan McNabb goes to Baltimore, and would it be a waste if the growing consensus proves true and Brian Billick isn't back next year?

Here's where the readers start stepping up to the plate and competing with King in the dumbass department. I know how everyone likes to hype him up as an offensive "guru", but given what a disaster the Ravens' offense has been for Billick's entire tenure and that he's been unable to turn former 1st round pick Kyle Boller into anything that resembles a non shitty quarterback, I'd say it would be a waste if McNabb came to Baltimore and Billick was still there.

DOWN ON RIVERS. From Rick Betourne of Chesapeake, Va.: "The Chargers are toast. Even as emotional as they were Sunday, how can they legitimately be called a playoff team? Philip Rivers is AWFUL! I kept saying to my son, 'Who is he throwing to?'

"Consistently, he was throwing to receivers who were covered, double-covered, even triple-covered. People wonder why LT is not having the same year -- Philip Rivers."

First of all, Rick, the Chargers can be legitimately called a playoff team because they reside in the AFC West and the other three teams there are a collective joke this year. (I'm a Broncos fan, I would know.) Second, rather than just looking at LT's down season, maybe we should look at why neither LT nor Rivers is having the kind of year they expected. Hmmmm... what changed for the Chargers between 2006 and 2007? Were there any moves made regarding the coaching staff? Did they fire a coach with an excellent (regular season) track record and hire one who's never done anything but suck? Did they lose their offensive coordinator? Maybe we should look in that direction and see if we can figure out why both LT and Rivers are plummeting back to Earth, rather than simply pointing fingers at a one specific single cog in an underperforming offense.

MORE QB QUESTIONS. From Mike Kearney of Burlington, Ontario: "I raise my green tea to you this morning

I know green tea is good for you and all, but by putting that in your email you have identified yourself as a pretentious ass.

and ask "Who is the No. 3 NFC quarterback in the Pro Bowl?" Favre and Romo are one and two. For No. 3, is it Garcia, Brees or Hasselbeck? The whole world needs to know.

And by putting Hasselbeck on that list and omitting Jon Kitna, you have identified yourself as dumb.

VINATIERI FALL-OUT. From Jay of Trenton, N.J.: "Hey Peter, do you think Adam Vinatieri's missed "gimme" vs. San Diego tarnished his HOF resume at all?"

That might be the single worst question I have ever seen published in a mailbag column. Ever. This is the stuff of legends, folks. People as ignorant and clueless as Jay from Trenton don't just get their shitbag ideas published on a major sports website every day.

No. I respect the question.

Why? That question is so bad, I almost wonder if it was sent in as a joke. I really hope that's the case and that Jay in Trenton and his friends are laughing as hard as I am at King's answer. When is all is said and done, this one miss against the Chargers during a regular season game in November will have about as much impact on whether or not Vinatieri gets in to the HOF as who his favorite Spice Girl is. (Mine is Baby!)

But one blown regular-season game hardly tarnishes the resume of the best clutch kicker in NFL history.

This simple (and correct) answer is the opposite of respecting the question.

FAVRE-ULOUS. From Mark F. of Worcester, Mass.: "Saw Deanna Favre on last week's Monday Night Game. Is it bad form to note what a babe she is?"

I will relay the message and you can count on two things. One, she'll be very pleased. Two, she'll blush.

That is creepy. I think Eriz has done the best job around here of lampooning Peter's man-crush on Favre, so instead of writing my own material to make fun of it I'll just link to one of his posts. And to this Sports Pickle page (scroll about halfway down, in the middle). Who knew, though, that King also had such strong feelings for Mrs. Favre? I bet he loves them both so much that he'd hurt either if he had the chance.

TOUCHING STORY FROM A 49ERS FAN. From Phil of Toronto: "A story about Dick Nolan: I have been a Niners fan since I was 14, in 1965. In 1972, when the team made its first ever trip to nearby Buffalo following the NFL/AFL merger, I bought tickets. A couple of days prior I decided that it would be even better to drive in the day before and hopefully meet some players. Accordingly, I called the team's headquarters and asked to speak to Dick Nolan. They put me on hold and, a couple of minutes later, Dick was on the line (obviously, this is something that would never happen today).

Phil goes on to describe how Dick got him passes to the Niners' Saturday practice that weekend, and how the two of them met there and how Dick was a super nice guy. Peter, your thoughts?

I'm going to give you the biggest cliché in sports -- the apple does not fall very far from the tree.

Biggest cliche in sports? Oh, so close. Let me make like Bill Simmons and show you the "official" list of biggest sports cliches that I just made up. Then let me light myself on fire.

1. Take it one game at a time
2. Go out their and play their/our game
3. He/they just know(s) how to win
4. You can't say enough about him/this team
5. Go out there and make plays
6. It is what it is
7. They/we believe in their/ourselves and that's all that matters
8. No one believed in us/We shocked the world

.....

693: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Hmmmmm. Maybe Peter was thinking of the biggest cliche in real life, rather than in sports. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" comes in at #28 on that list. So King is still wrong, but he's much less wrong.

That's all I've got. Feel free to submit any questions you'd like us here at FireJay to answer in the comments section, and we can make our own mailbag! Hooray! Or, just leave a comment and tell us who your favorite Spice Girl is/was.

one of the most confusing dumb fan comments you'll ever hear

the scene: tonight's giants/padres tilt at AT&T park. bottom of the second. fred lewis on first. omar vizquel laces a ball into the huge right center field gap, and ends up on third when all the dust clears. guy standing behind me:

"Wow... an in field triple!"

what the hell? i mean, i guess he's right... sort of.

yes, i'm jealous of this guy. and yes, he is an enormous tool

don't get me wrong, i really wish i were bryan biederman. see, byran's job (as far as i can tell) is to follow fox's mlb broadcast team around to all its saturday broadcast locations and assemble a photo diary based on whatever shots he can get with an all access on field pass. what a fantastic job, no? basically he's getting paid to go to baseball games and take pictures, then write a couple cheesy captions and get the whole package published on foxsports.com.

now here's the problem- when your photo diary contains almost as many shots of you awkwardly posing with/groping/"carrying" women as it does of actual baseball players... you are a officially a huge douchebag.

check out his work from saturday's yankees/red sox tilt and tell me bryan doesn't have a terminal case of "that guy" disease. hey, jackass- you don't need to prove to baseball fans everywhere that you can get girls to pose with you in pictures. we really couldn't care less. take some more pictures on the damn field.

a nominee for "most annoying fan behavior in all of sports"

i've come to a conclusion: lots of golf fans are fucking stupid. i was just watching the PGA championship, and a split second after tiger woods hit his drive on 17, while everyone else was still being quiet, some dickbag in the gallery shouted "STANFORRRRRD!" stop and consider that for a second. what the hell does that mean? why would you do that? can you imagine someone yelling out the alma mater of the guy shooting a free throw at an NBA game right after he released the ball? how ridiculous would that be?

on a more general level, just what exactly is going through the minds of fans at golf tournaments who shout "GET IN THE HOLE!!!" right after a player strikes a chip or putt? do they think that's awesome? do they think the player appreciates it? do they expect some kind of pat on the back from the player or from other fans should the ball actually get in the hole? do they want to be able to go home and tell their buddies, "hey, remember right after ernie els hit that 15 footer for birdie on the 6th yesterday? *smugly* yeah. that was me shouting something stupid during that silence there." going back to that guy who shouted "STANFORRRRD!"... was he hoping tiger woods would immediately turn around and say "who said that? i went to stanford! that is so cool that you shouted that! do you want to hang out play golf together sometime, sir?" this behavior confuses the shit out of me. i've never been to a golf tournament, and i should probably never go. after about the third time i heard this kind of thing happen (which, unless i was going out of my way to not stand near any people, would be at about 9:30 AM on thursday) i would immediately go over and get in the person who did it's face.

Chicago Baseball Fan Ignorance

This isn't about a member of the sports media, and I apologize for the seeming irrelevance, but I've just never been more confused and shocked in my life. Some guy behind me at the A's/White Sox game last night offered up this little side commentary (talking loudly the entire game, I might add)

(David Aardsma is pitching)

"This Aardsma guy, he's been having problems lately. If he has one more bad outing like the ones against the Cubs over the weekend, he'll be going straight to Triple-A"

OK....so this guy knows things about the White Sox and their series against the Cubs. The Triple-A thing is pure exaggeration, but the point is, he seems to follow the team, and more importantly for the purposes of this next part, is familiar with playing games against the Cubs.

(Pablo Ozuna has made 2 awful defensive plays in the field at 3B recently in the game, then fields an easy one right before this comment)

"Now, I like this Ozuna guy a lot better in the infield than in the outfield. Kinda like that guy....Soro....Sorano.....ah how do you pronounce it.....he's with Washington or something. Used to be a second baseman. Now they've got him playing the outfield."

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