BREAKING NEWS: DUSTIN PEDROIA IS SHORTER THAN MOST MLB PLAYERS

Seriously, sports media- give it a goddamn motherfucking rest. This is not basketball, where height is usually integral to one's performance. This is not football, where height is a huge asset for QBs, WRs, CBs, and DEs. This is not boxing or MMA. This is a sport where players on opposing teams make physical contact with one another about once every 40 games. This is a sport where being short provides a key advantage to a hitter (smaller strike zone) and doesn't exact hurt a second baseman's ability to field ground balls cleanly. Hell, soccer has way more physical contact in it than baseball, and short guys thrive there as high paid/high profile finishers. Wayne Rooney and Lionel Messi are both like 4'7". Pedroia deserves plenty of press for being a good player. He deserves absolutely none because of his height. Let's keep it that way. Right after I tear apart this article that some clown named Tim Brown wrote for Yahoo.

Pedroia stands tall for Boston

There was a time when the soul of the Boston Red Sox would be found within broad shoulders and towering frames, amid men who filled the role as they did the uniform.

Men who were complete and total assholes, like Ted Williams and Jim Rice.

Now there’s Dustin Pedroia.

Such deft juxtaposition! My head is spinning. Also- Pedroia is the only short star the Red Sox have ever had in their 100+ year history.

So, the organization leans a little more toward Kevin Youkilis and, of course, to Pedroia, who might not fill the uniform, but does the role as the new soul of the Red Sox.

He does fill the fucking uniform. It's a slightly smaller uniform than most MLB players wear. WHAT PERSEVERANCE AND HEART HE SHOWS JUST BY TAKING THE FIELD. Jesus Lord of all that is holy in heaven. The guy went to Arizona State, pretty much the best college baseball program of all time. This is not an underdog story. Stop trying to make it one. At least when writers get all up in Eckstein's jock, they're talking about a guy who isn't particularly good at the MLB level. Pedroia is good. He's been good for three years.

It is one thing to be league MVP (Pedroia was two seasons ago), another to lead a clubhouse splashed in champions,

CHAMPIONS WHO ARE ALL SLIGHTLY TALLER THAN HIM!!!

another still to get behind and push from an exaggeratedly reported 5-foot-9, with sloped shoulders over a body that, kindly, is less-than-classically constructed.

Oh my! Billy Beane would cringe at this description. A non-classically constructed body? Send him to the glue factory.

“I don’t know,” Pedroia said. “I just try to show up every day and play hard. That’s pretty much all every player can do.

Besides be tall.

We show up, play to win. If we win, we win. If we lose, you know, we try to go get ‘em tomorrow. Your attitude always has to be good and you have to do the little things to be a championship team. That’s what I’ve had to do my whole life to be successful.

You mean you haven't constantly focused on your physical stature, and tried to overcome the rough hand life dealt you?

The little things, that’s the biggest part of baseball.”

Right. The little things, like you.

“He’s a competitor, man,” Lackey said. “The dude is one of the most intense, driven players I’ve ever been around. His baseball sense is as high as I’ve ever seen.”

About that size, Lackey said, “He’s doing all right with it, isn’t he?”

I doubt this is really the case, but I hope that was Lackey subtly telling Brown "Why don't you go write about something else, you clod. No one cares that he's two or three inches shorter than many HOFers who never got this kind of attention."

“We’re grinding, man,” Pedroia said.

Of course they are. They can only follow their soul.

You're atrocious. You make me want to read a Rick Reilly column about a dwarf long jumper who was born blind but still made his high school track team.

TMTMQR: Signing Your 1st Round Draft Pick Makes Your Team Worse, Obviously

I knew it was coming. As soon as the Titans finished their victory over the 49ers, I knew it would be brought up. But I never imagined he would lead his column with it. Or that said column would run on the main screen of the front fucking page of ESPN, complete with a graphic to accompany the story. It sounds stupid to say... but honestly, I was blindsided.

Beware the Crabtree Curse!

OHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Coach Mike Singletary had San Francisco's players buying into the notion that no one's bigger than the team. Then, suddenly, you can jerk San Francisco around all you want and get $17 million guaranteed as your reward. San Francisco management's cave-in to the me-first Crabtree triggered an instant losing streak, by communicating to other 49ers the message that the team-first stuff was always just empty talk.

How do we know this? We just do. Nevermind that the 3-1 start happened with wins against the Cardinals (good), Seahawks (bad), and Rams (awful) while their current losing streak has included games against the Falcons (good), Texans (good), Colts (great), and Titans (OK, I can't really explain that one). But here's a better theory- Singletary made Alex Smith the starting QB at halftime of the Texans game. Since they the Squared Sevens (LOL math-based nicknames!) are 0-3. There is clearly a Smith curse- he was drafted first overall in 2005, hasn't done anything but be paid a lot of money ever since, and yet gets his starting job back from Shaun Hill by doing nothing? Clearly, with that move Mike Singletary sent a message to the rest of the team that you can suck and still be awarded a starting spot. THAT'S why they've lost four in a row.

Squared Sevens apologists have put word on the grapevine that team management should be praised because the contract Crabtree signed in early October was the same one offered before his nutty holdout began -- no added sweeteners were offered. So Crabtree shafts his team, and the team responds by not upping its offer -- talk about profiles in courage! Once training camp broke, San Francisco should have reduced its offer to Crabtree, since he was worth less at that point.

Master negotiator Gregg Easterbrook- he plays for keeps! Surely that power play would have worked really well on Crabtree and his oversensitive agent/relatives/advisors. No way would that have pissed him off and pushed him much closer to deciding to return to the draft in 2010. I hope Crabtree catches the game winning pass in the Super Bowl next year. And then spikes the ball off the ground so that it embeds itself into the eyeball of Gregg, who happens to be sitting in the front row behind the end zone.

A rookie who holds out is worth less every week; by season's start he is worth substantially less, since he becomes less likely to succeed as a pro,

Clearly the three months of practice and four games 22 year old Crabtree missed will ruin his career.

while projecting waves of negativity onto the team.

Waves! Waves and waves of it! Watch out, physics- there's a new electromagnetic phenomenon in town.

To boot, when he finally bothered to show up, Crabtree was treated by the Niners as a conquering hero.

Evidence of this? No? This reminds me of Larry B's immutable Law of TMQ: making stuff up is permissible if no one can disprove it. I also like Chris W's take on this situation:

"Let's use a high valued pick... on a guy we think will help our team... then watch him hold out, only finally agreeing to the terms we set, essentially compromising from his position... what's the best strategy? THROW GAS ON THE FIRE BABY."

The result is four straight defeats for a team that previously looked primed for a playoff run. And don't tell me the Niners have offensive line injuries -- it's the NFL, everybody has injuries.

You're an analyst, dummy, not a coach. You don't have to be a tough guy. Yes, everyone has injuries- and the 49ers' offensive line injuries are way more horrific than injuries sustained by the average "unit" on the average team in the NFL. They've used four different o-line starting lineups in their last four games. Their starting LT and RT are both out until at least December. So yeah, I'm going to tell you about injuries. They're not the only reason SF is struggling, but they're a pretty legit reason.

New Orleans is zany, wacky and emotional -- you never know what's going to happen in a Saints game, and you get the feeling the Saints' players have no idea, either.

No one on any team knows what's going to happen in their games. That's the worst possible characterization of a "fun-loving" team, or however he's trying to characterize the Saints. Oh, I should clarify- no one knows what's going to happen in their games except Raiders players, who know Jamarcus Russell is going to turn the ball over at least six times. Ohhhhhhhh BURN. BURNBURNBURNBURN.

You know exactly what the Colts are going to do -- you just can't stop them from doing it.

One of TMQ's "sweet plays of the week" last week was a HB toss/pass from Joseph Addai to Reggie Wayne for a key touchdown in their victory over the 49ers.

And in other movie news, the world gets destroyed yet again on Friday, when "2012" opens. At least there are no zombies!

You've talked about this for like six weeks in a row. The movie is coming out. We get it. The last thing I'll accuse Easterbrook of is being lazy (at least in terms of length of column), but seriously, talk about something else. Anything else. Shouldn't Babylon 5 be coming out on DVD sometime soon?

Trailing 28-23, the Bucs reached fourth-and-4 on the Packers' 7-yard line with 4:20 remaining, and rather than do the ultra-conservative thing -- many NFL coaches would take the field goal in this situation -- rookie head coach Raheem Morris went for the win.

And those coaches who took the FG, closing the margin to two points, obviously hoping to get the ball back and kick another FG before time expired? They'd be playing for the tie.

Also, Jax offensive tackle Eugene Monroe had a perfect block at the point of attack as Rashad Jennings, a seventh-round choice from Division I-AA Liberty, ran 28 yards for a touchdown.

Woooo hoooooo! Good for Rashad! Meanwhile, starting Jacksonville RB Maurice Jones-Drew (drafted in the second round out of well-known FBS school UCLA) has run for 737 yards and a league-leading 11 TDs so far this season.

Who's ready for some GreggJokes?

Why does Hollywood like apocalyptic flicks? One reason is obvious: Directors want to show things blowing up. The most reliable standbys of modern filmmaking are explosions and breasts. Somehow, in the current environment, the former are more acceptable at suburban mall theaters. Destruction is also a substitute for plot and dialogue. If the world is ending, all actions, statements and gestures take on significance: Even the worst-imagined character may hold viewers' interest when running down a street of collapsing buildings. Subtlety or cleverness are not required. Clichés can be trotted out without reservation.

Scriptwriters meeting:

SCRIPTWRITER A: What if a tear in the space-time continuum caused half of Los Angeles to go into the past and the other half into the future, and a good-looking single mom struggling to connect with her rebellious 15-year-old son was caught between the two zones?

SCRIPTWRITER B: What if strange dust from a comet killed everyone on Earth except 100 Las Vegas showgirls?

SCRIPTWRITER C: What if the moon fell on California?

Tumbleweed. Crickets. Another tumbleweed.

TMQ thinks another reason for the popularity of global destruction in Hollywood is that post-apocalyptic movies are easy to film. You do location shots in a desert or in canyons, and there are both near Los Angeles. For costumes, buy out a consignment shop, then rip and dirty the clothes. Need zombies? Just hire extras and put some ridiculous makeup on them. Computer-generated special effects can be aggressively phony, since no one really expects the studio to hurl an actual aircraft carrier at the actual White House.

I, for one, demand non-phony special effects. If I'm going to go see a disaster movie, I want actual aircraft carriers being hurled into the actual White House. Nothing less will do. Eh, fuck it, I'm going to go see 2012 anyways just to spite Gregg.

Pittsburgh plays team-oriented defense, not everybody-look-at-me defense -- Albert Haynesworth and Shawne Merriman would have no place in the Steelers' scheme. Team-oriented defense works.

It sure does. And although Merriman probably abuses women and Haynesworth once stomped on a dude's head, they're both super talented and would probably fit in just fine with the Steelers. I mean, they like celebrating after a big play. Big deal. I just watched the Steelers crush the Broncos on Monday night- no one on the Pittsburgh defense did anything as mind-numbingly retarded as Merriman's "lights out" dance, but they still did plenty of celebrating after big hits and sacks. Playing "team-oriented" defense is about staying with your assignments and being in the right place at the right time. I think they're capable of that. They just also happen to be huge assholes.

The Dolphins are 3-5 despite being the only team other than Indianapolis above 50 percent for third-down conversions. Maybe the Dolphins would have a better record if their highly paid professional wide receivers learned how to catch a football! Ted Ginn Jr. has dropped everything but Jay Leno's name.

GreggJokes, GreggJokes, GreggJokes. Although this one is pretty decent. Sort of.

But two Wildcat touchdowns and no conventional-offense touchdown is not a formula for long-term Miami success. With New England leading 7-3 and Miami facing third-and-13 on the home team 33 -- a sack here knocks the visitors out of field goal range -- New England ran "cover zero," the extreme rare double safety blitz, and got a sack.

Stop me before I blitz again! Where was Gregg's notebook? Why was "game over" not being scribbled in it? Where was official son of TMQ, Spenser? WHY WOULD ANY TEAM BLITZ EVER?

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All: Trailing New Orleans 23-20, Carolina reached second-and-8 on the Saints' 43 with 3:02 remaining. Considering the quick-strike New Orleans offense, the circumstances dictated the Cats try to use up clock in driving for a touchdown. This seemed promising, since Carolina was running the ball well -- 183 yards rushing to that point. But as TMQ keeps noting, despite a strong rushing offense and a turnover-happy pass attack, Carolina coaches keep calling passes. From this point the Panthers went incompletion, incompletion, sack/fumble, and TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.

The Panthers had already fumbled the ball once at that point. Meanwhile, Jake Delhomme was playing much less shitty than usual, having completed roughly 65% of his passes with no INTs. It wasn't the worst idea in the world. In fact, after that turnover, the Panthers stopped the Saints three and out and forced them to punt. They got the ball back, still down 23-20, with a little over two minutes remaining. First play: fumble, returned for a touchdown by the Saints. Better to have passed and lost, than never passed at all!

Cats note: The Panthers entered the season with the best fullback situation in the league, with quality starter Brad Hoover backed by fourth-round choice Tony Fiammetta, the highest-chosen fullback of the 2009 draft. On Sunday, both were hurt, and with first-and-goal on the New Orleans 1 in the third quarter, the Panthers put guard Mackenzy Bernadeau, out of Division II Bentley, in at fullback. He collided with Jake Delhomme, causing a fumble and lost yardage; Carolina settled for a field goal.

I guess they ended up missing Fiammetta (who went to well-known FBS school Syracuse) on that one, huh? Yeah, that 7th round pick from Bentley College really let them down there. Hmmmmmmm. If only he had played on a bigger stage in college. Although Gregg really missed a chance here to mention that "quality starter" Hoover went to Western Carolina. Come on, man. You're slipping.

Unified Field Theory of Creep: Kevin Ong of Forest Hills, N.Y., notes that on Nov. 3, IHOP began serving "holiday hotcakes" -- eggnog or gingerbread pancakes. "Surely, the holidays they were referring to were Election Day and Veterans Day," Ong writes. IHOP will sell eggnog pancakes "for a limited time only." You mean they won't be offered for all eternity?

That's the first time I've ever heard that warning attached to a contest or promotion! What a clever point- it obviously won't last forever, so it's funny when a corporation directly states that! I can just imagine the scene in the boardroom right now:

Executive A: Let's do a "holiday hotcakes promotion" with eggnog and gingerbreak pancakes.

Executive B: Good idea. Better tell people it's for a limited time only- that'll probably get "on the fence" customers to go try it sooner rather than later, driving up our revenue numbers.

That conversation probably never happened! Hilarious!

On the game winning TD in the Chargers/Giants game:

Veteran corner Corey Webster seemed to freeze for an instant as Jackson broke for the end zone -- San Diego needed a touchdown to win, where else was the pass going to go?

The end zone is a two dimensional place, Gregg. There are many different places within it that Vincent Jackson could run to. He could run to the back corner. He could run to a spot just over the goal line in the middle of the field. Webster was in single coverage. I'm sure he fully intended to cover Jackson in the end zone. It's not that fucking difficult to figure out.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 1: Game tied at 7, Jersey/A punted on fourth-and-1 from the San Diego 45 in the third quarter. The Jersey home crowd booed loudly, and the Jersey home crowd was right. It took the Bolts just three plays to pass the point where the ball would have been if the Giants had gone for it and missed; this play set the retreating, afraid-to-lose tone that characterized Jersey/A for the remainder of the game.

Just like how the 49ers are losing because of the Crabtree Curse! That's the only logical explanation for the end result of the game: the tone that was set on a play a quarter earlier!

Obscure College Score of the Week: Bethel 48, Faulkner 6. Faulkner University is sufficiently obscure that the school has a Web page titled, "Where Is Faulkner?" Here is how William Faulkner would have reported the game: "And so it began, and so Bethel kicked off, they have a word for it, kickoff, and it means to kick, but off into what; into some phenomenon of the body, perhaps into some void -- and the runner brought it back a certain number of yards but yards are facts that tell nothing. Vines descended upon the stadium."

GreggJokes- never pretentious, never excessively drawn out, always hilarious!

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk (College Edition): Greg Veregin, a Wyoming graduate, attended the BYU-at-Wyoming game. He notes that playing at home against a highly ranked opponent, Wyoming, on its first possession, punted on fourth-and-inches at midfield. The football gods punished that with a 52-0 BYU win.

Just like the Crabtree Curse and the Giants' failure to go for a 4th and 1 in the 3rd quarter- here's the only possible explanation for the outcome of this game! I really do home Michael Crabtree spikes a ball into Gregg's eye after catching a Super Bowl-winning touchdown. Man, that'd be great. I hope it happens after the 49ers punted on 4th and inches from the 50 while trailing by 4 with 6 minutes left. And that the opposing team plays base defense and never blitzes on the 49ers' final drive.

Jerry Crasnick's "Sources" are Usually Idiots

Does he choose these miserable quotes intentionally? His "Starting 9" columns in and of themselves have been getting better over the last couple of years (probably because he stopped choosing topics like "best bunters" and "best players under 5'6"), but man, the people he quotes to reinforce his choices continue to sound like a bunch of tards. This installment of the column is about guys who are having underappreciatedly awesome seasons. I agree with most of the picks, but check out what some knowledgeable "baseball people" had to say about them.

Re: Ben Zobrist

Some people in Tampa have noticed that when Zobrist completes his swing from the left side, he has a follow-through similar to Ted Williams'. We kid you not.

Wow. First of all, why is Jerry channeling the first person plural douchebaggery of Will Leitch? Second of all- comparing the swing of a Hall of Famer to that of [player X] is just about the most useless, subjective, anecdotal way to hype up [player X]. Don't do it. Ever.

Re: Russell Branyan

"After Russell was out there for seven to 10 days this spring, Don told me, 'This guy has a good swing. How the heck does he strike out so much?'" Zduriencik said.

The "Don" quoted there is Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu. As in, a guy who gets paid good money to make decisions about baseball players. And somehow he can't seem to figure out (or allegedly can't seem to figure out) why this player has struck out in more than 40% of his career at bats. Hmmm. Here are a couple suggestions: 1) He's a big guy so he probably has a very long swing, and 2) he probably swings at a lot of terrible pitches, and 3) he might not have a very good eye. But don't mind me, I'm just camped down here in my mother's basement, avoiding girls and sunlight and lobbing steroid accusations at Raul Ibanez.

"He's sustained it for this length of time, and I believe it's going to continue. I don't see anything fluke-ish about it."

Referring to his great season so far? You don't see anything fluke-ish about a guy with a career .237 BA in more than 2500 PAs hitting .308 over the course of a couple months, at age 33? Interesting. Enjoy the ride, M's fans.

Re: Jason Bartlett

The Tampa Bay chapter of the Baseball Writers Association named Bartlett the team's MVP last season after he posted a .690 OPS, so that gives you an idea what he means defensively to the Rays.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Dickheads.

"He's my favorite player on that club because he does something different every day to beat you," an NL scout said.

Interesting. If I were a scout, my favorite Ray would be Evan Longoria, because he's fucking awesome at everything. But I guess Bartlett is OK too.

Re: Marco Scutaro

"He's another example of how the real baseball players have caught up with the cheaters as they've detoxified," an NL scout said, only half in jest.

I hope he was saying it fully in jest, because if he was saying it even 1% seriously, he should be stripped of his job and shot into deep space. Scutaro is slugging .429 this year- and he's never cleared .400 for a full season in his career before.

Ryan Madson, speaking re: Ryan Madson

"When you have success like that, you come to believe in yourself," Madson said. "I can't give enough credit to pitching in the playoffs and World Series and the confidence it gave me. I feel more in control, more calm and focused out there now."

Kind of sounds like he's making a sales pitch for an anti-depressant.

Re: Mark Reynolds

"I give him a lot of credit," Arizona GM Josh Byrnes said. "Everybody focuses on the strikeouts, but he plays good defense,

By any measure, from ones as simple as errors (34 last year) or fielding percentage (just a hair over .900) to ones as complex as total fielding runs above average (-7.0), Reynolds is a complete butcher in the field.

he runs the bases

You cannot play a non-pitching position for a baseball team without doing this.

and he's one of our toughest players.

Watch out, Eckstein. It's great that you're playing for the Padres now, but there's a new gritty grinder in the NL West.

He does a lot of things to help us win."

Please don't include his defense or his ability to run the bases amongst those things.

New* Generation* of Baseball Stars* Emerging*

First of all, let me VWOOP! say that as I type this VWOOP! Chris Berman VWOOP! is hosting SportsCenter and he is a VWOOP! motherfucking embarrassment. That's all there is to say about that. Oh, except for: THE-UHHHHHHHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIDAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Moving on.

The title of this post is the actual title of this article by Richard Justice about some MLB players who are off to hot starts this season. Why the asterisks? Well, I don't want to get too bogged down in legal technicalities, but that title needs some clarification. For example, some of the players named in the article aren't "new" to the league at all. (I know "new" is modifying "generation" and not necessarily the individual players, but bear with me. Just this one time.) They certainly, as a whole, do not constitute a "generation." Many of them are not "stars," and never will be. And some aren't "emerging" at all- they either have already emerged or simply are not doing anything that could be construed as an emergence.

They all do play baseball, though, so I didn't have to put an asterisk by that. Which is good.

Maybe you haven't heard of Aaron Hill. You will, though. Trust us on this one. Likewise, you'll soon know all about Zack Greinke, Nyjer Morgan, Nelson Cruz, Joey Votto, Heath Bell and Brandon Inge.

So if you're a baseball fan, you should already be able to tell why I used those asterisks up there.
This baseball season is interesting, not just because the Royals, Tigers, Mariners and Marlins are in first place,

Well, of course- I know my heart is still going a mile a minute because of the emergence of those plucky Royals.

not just because the Pirates and Padres are hanging in there,

Thrills abound in the NL West! (For clarification, I'm not some kind of Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs loving asshole. My favorite team actually happens to play in the NL West. I just have to point out, it's not exactly the most compelling division even with the Padres not starting to suck just yet.)

but because all over baseball, a new generation of stars is emerging.

Well sure. Evan Longoria, Carlos Quentin, and Jay Bruce are all having great years so far. And you've gotta like what Yovani Gallardo and Chad Billingsley have been doing.

Sure, Albert Pujols is still doing amazing things.

Who?

So is Kevin Youkilis and Johan Santana and Roy Halladay and a lot of familiar names.

We've got a subject/verb agreement problem there. But sure, that's true.

What would life be without a Red Sox-Yankees series meaning something?

You just named a Cardinal, a Red Sock, a Met, and a Blue Jay. The fuck is this sentence doing here?

Let's run down some of the people that are doing great things in the first month of a new season.

First, Aaron Hill. He does things at second base that will remind you of Roberto Alomar, meaning his glove work can occasionally take your breath away.

He also leads the major league in hits

After 20some games.

and is one of several reasons the Toronto Blue Jays are in first place in the American League East. Teammates Ricky Romero and Jason Frasor are on that list, too.

OK, Richard's first choice: Aaron Hill. Great. Let's break down young Mr. Hill's credentials. He's now 27, which means he should have entered his offensive prime last season or so. He has a career OPS+ of.... 100. He is, by that standard, an exactly average hitter. He has also hit 34 career home runs in more than 2000 career plate appearances. Hmmm. If you put a lot of stock in fielding metrics, he's a little above average as a second baseman in range factor/9 innings for his career. He's at 5.02- the league over that period of time is at 4.95. So he makes an extra putout or assist over the average second baseman every 15 games or so. Nothing to sneeze at, and perhaps he does have a penchant for the highlight-reel play, but he's not exactly the second coming of Ozzie Smith (at second base) either.

My analysis? Maybe new, not a star, probably not emerging unless he's a late bloomer. We're off to a great start.

The Blue Jays were only going to go as far as their young pitchers took them, and so far, Romero and Frasor are a combined 5-0, but Romero was placed on the 15-day disabled list this week.

Therefore, Aaron Hill is somehow an emerging star.

Hill was Toronto's first-round pick in 2003, was in the big leagues for good in 2005. He moved from short to second when Orlando Hudson was traded

And because he was not a very good defensive shortstop.

and has gotten better and better.

Yes, as most athletes tend to do in their mid twenties. Those who do not usually find themselves selling insurance by age 30.

He missed 107 games last season after suffering a concussion in a collision with David Eckstein.

Goodness! I'm surprised Eckstein's hustle and grit didn't decapitate Hill upon impact! I hear running into Eckstein is like driving a car at 90 mph into a 4 foot high wall of solid concrete. With spikes sticking out of it. While Darin Erstad lobs grenades at you.

He's back now. Boy is he back.

And having a great 20 game stretch.

The Blue Jays are a model organization in some ways. That is, they're forced to build through player development because they don't have the resources to spring for the big-ticket free agents.

Probably because they wasted $52 million on B.J. "Exploding Elbow" Ryan a few years back.

When teams do it this way, even when their scouts are making good decisions, there can be frustration among fans because fans want everything done yesterday.

That sentence reads like it was translated into Finnish and then translated back.

Once the talent pipeline starts flowing, teams like the Blue Jays — and the Marlins — have a chance to remain in contention for a long time.

As long as they can retain their homegrown stars, like Roy Halladay. (Coming soon to a Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, or Boston-based team near you!) Which they usually can't. But good for them for inking up Vernon Wells I guess. Enjoy paying him $18 million a year for $5 to $10 million a year's worth of production until 2014, Toronto.

Nice going, Blue Jays.

Here's an ice cream cone and a firm pat on the ass.

Now about Zack Greinke.

You need a verb.

You probably have a vague recollection of him somewhere in the back of your mind.

You remember he was a top prospect that couldn't cut it and briefly gave up on baseball.

Yes, it does seem like he has been around forever. He was the sixth pick of the 2002 draft and in the big leagues two years later at the ripe old age of 20. He was going to be the next great thing.

His story is really complicated. Somewhere on the road to Cooperstown, he came undone. He walked away, saying it was no longer fun.

Listen, I don't want to rip a guy who had a serious mental illness, but listen to this interview from a couple years ago and try not to laugh at Zach the dipshit. If ever there was a pinhead simpleton idiot... it's probably him. His ability to have a conversation is unrelated to his ability to play baseball, of course. I just think the link is worth sharing. Seriously, pop in your headphones and take a few minutes to listen to it. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In any case, this is probably Richard's best pick. My analysis- not new, but probably going to be a "star" of some kind, definitely emerging. Two out of three ain't bad. Especially when you have trouble with the idea that you have to use "are" when your sentence contains multiple subjects.

The Royals have built from the ground up as well and they're drawing big crowds at home and there's a feeling that a franchise has been reborn this season.

As Richard would say: Nice going, Royals. (end analysis)

Joey Votto is also only 25 years old. He was also a high draft pick in 2002. He needed five years to get to the big leagues. He's a big, strapping kid that is hitting .358 and driving in runs.

When the Big Red Machine is fully back in business, he'll be a household name.

Another decent choice- probably new, maybe going to be a star (but slugging first basemen aren't exactly hard to find), probably emerging. Let's move past this and get to the crap.

Nyjer Morgan plays center field for the Pirates. He's 28 years old, but playing regularly for the first time.

Hmmmmmmmm. This is like being single in your mid twenties and having a friend say "Hey, I know this great chick I'm going to set you up with. She happens to be 34 and has a kid-" And then you kind of just stop listening and tune the friend out. If you haven't played regularly before age 28, there is a 99% change that it's because you suck.

He leads the NL in triples

You know how the saying goes- if you're leading the league in triples in early May... well, you probably have like three triples.

OK, scratch that, I just checked. He has two.

and stolen bases and is hitting .319.

The day this article was written, last Monday, Dexter Folwer stole almost as many bases (5) as Morgan has all season (6). Oh, and his average his since dropped to .309.

He's one of those guys your kids will want to be like.

You mean a professional baseball player? True, I guess. Same for anyone else in this article though.

To see him run the bases is to take a memory home from the ballpark.

Ah- the piece of human poetry that is Nyjer Morgan. You suck, Richard. Nyjer Morgan: perhaps new, but never ever ever going to be a star and most definitely not emerging.

Sometimes, you just have to give a guy a chance. That's the lesson of Heath Bell, who at 31 leads the major leagues with seven saves.

Segue! That's why this guy gets paid the big bucks.

He was drafted by the Mets, traded to the Padres and worked anonymously in both bullpens for most of the last five seasons.

Yeah, about that- in San Diego, prior to this season, he was a dominant setup guy who usually worked the 8th inning in front of a first ballot hall of famer. I really don't think you can accuse the Padres of "not giving him a chance" until now. Although I will concede that the Mets might have given up on him a little early. On the other hand, during his last season with them (2006), he allowed 51 hits and 6 home runs in 37 innings.

The Padres bumped him from the eighth to the ninth inning after Trevor Hoffman's departure. He has been in eight games this season and has yet to allow a run.

But does he make you leave the ballpark with a smile? Is he Nyjer Morgan? My analysis- not new, not going to be much of a star, maybe emerging as a solid closer.

Nelson Cruz was also seen as a guy not ready for primetime. He was a part-time player with both the Brewers and Rangers.

He recorded five career at bats with the Brewers. And he OPSed under .700 during both 2006 and 2007 with the Rangers. I think they were pretty justified at that time in not seeing him as "ready for primetime."

This season the Rangers have put him in right field and seen a very solid major league player emerge. He's hitting .277 with six home runs already on a team that believes it will contend in the American League West.

Well, there are only three other teams in the division and none of them are that good. Way to be, Rangers. Way to dream. Cruz is 28 years old, has had one good season in which he recorded 115 ABs, and is playing in an amazing lineup in one of the best hitters' parks in baseball. I'm unmoved. My analysis- probably new, probably not going to be a star, probably not emerging.

Haven't the Detroit Tigers tried to get rid of Brandon Inge about a dozen times the last few years?

Why were they unsucessful? Probably because he's not that good.

Don't they give his job to someone else.

Fuck, man- just reread your shit ONE TIME before you submit it for publication. You'll probably catch stuff like this.

He has moved all over the field, too.

Yes, because he's not a good enough hitter to secure a full time starting spot at any one position.

He's playing third base this year, playing it well and is helping the Tigers hang onto a share of first place in the American League Central. His .322 batting average is 84 points above his career average.

And he's only 32 years young, with a mere 3700 plate appearances under his belt! I'm fairly confident he will continue to hit 84 points above his average for the rest of the season. Looks like he finally figured out major league pitching.

Maybe he won't stay at .322,

I'll eat a hat if he does.

but he has made April more interesting.

Oh yeah, here we go, here comes the trifecta. Brandon Inge: not new, nowhere close to being a star, and almost certainly not emerging. Awwwwwwwesome.

April is for dreamers.

And for a few mediocre-to-crappy players to have hot starts and get dumb articles like this one written about them.

Just ask the Royals and Mariners and Marlins.

Thanks for tying it all back together, Richard. I feel like I just collided with David Eckstein while watching Nyjer Morgan run the bases.

WATMQR: Gregg Easterbrook Limps Towards the Finish Line

He's still wrting. I'm still furious about it.

What jumps off the page about postseason stats? Pittsburgh's rushing defense. The Hypocycloids have given up just 44 rushing yards per game.

Sample size: two games. Both played at home. In bad weather. One against an OK offensive team (#11 during the regular season in yardage), the other against a sub-mediocre one (#18). Conclusion: DOMINANCE.

And though divisional-round opponent San Diego was down big in the second half and abandoned the run, the Pittsburgh-Baltimore AFC Championship Game was close until midway through the fourth quarter. Pittsburgh also was the second-best team in the NFL against the run in the regular season.

Much more relevant, although it's worth noting that there are no good offensive teams in the AFC North. In any case, it's cited four sentences later.

The Steelers' defense can bring a rushing game to a halt, and against Pittsburgh, staying with the run and continuing to pound the ball doesn't seem to work. Unless Arizona breaks a couple of runs in the first half, the Cardinals may have little choice but to go pass-wacky. Pittsburgh is also first in the postseason against the pass.

Again. Sample size: two games. Both played at home. In bad weather. One against an OK offensive team (#11 during the regular season in yardage), the other against a sub-mediocre one (#18). Conclusion: DOMINANCE.

With Warner, Arizona has often been careless with the football; Warner threw four interceptions and fumbled twice in the Cards' losses to the Eagles and Giants during the regular season, for instance. In the current postseason, Arizona is plus-11 in turnovers. Being plus-11 is a big reason for the Cards' surprise Super Bowl run. But luck is a huge factor in turnovers, and luck has a way of changing.

I mean... yeah. Recovering fumbles and intercepting tipped passes has an element of luck to it. On the other hand, forcing fumbles and intercepting non-tipped passes that come as a result of pressuring the quarterback has much less luck. I doubt the Cardinals will force 3.75 turnovers this game, because their pace so far in the playoffs is pretty ridiculous. Luck is "a huge factor" in winning at bingo and choosing the toll booth line that will move the fastest. Calling luck "a huge factor" in turnovers is bad analysis.

In the conference championship round, three of the four teams-- Arizona, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh -- employed the shotgun spread on third-and-1. All three did not rush. All three did not swing for the fence -- as the 1966 Packers showed, the best time to throw deep is third-and-1 -- rather, they attempted some dinky-dunky 5-yard junk passes. Tuesday Morning Quarterback finds it hard to believe the majority of teams in the NFL championship round felt they needed to go shotgun spread in order to gain 1 yard. But there it is.

What? You can gain positive yardage on low-risk passing plays out of the shotgun spread? What crazy world are we living in?!?!

TMQ believes the farther in the playoffs you go, the more important game-planning, coaching and psychological preparation become -- because at each stage, the pressure increases.

While the pressure in the Super Bowl may slightly exceed the pressure in the conference championship and divisional rounds, I have a really hard time believing that any team's game-planning, coaching, and psychological preparation can in any way get more intense or thorough as the playoffs progress. What are coaches saying during the divisional round- "Well, we don't need to prepare THAT thoroughly. Need to save some thoroughness for if we make it all the way to the Super Bowl." In other words: Gregg Easterbrook is a zilcheroo.

As the pressure increases, so too does the temptation to escape pressure. Tampa has a renowned late-night topless-club social scene, which some say is even better than the scene in Vegas. If any player from either team is out club-hopping Saturday night rather than back at the hotel playing Yahtzee and drinking milk shakes, that team is finished.

Tell that to Eugene Robinson, almost exactly ten years ago! HEY-OHHHHHHHHHHH!

Moving on to another douchechill-inducing Easterbrook skt, this time revolving around Lybian leader Muammar Qaddafi, who just had a piece about the Palestinian/Israeli conflict publised in the New York Times.

As a Christian, I believe in redemptive power, so I am willing to believe Qaddafi has changed. Still, encountering the jarring sight of an op-ed by Muammar Qaddafi, I envisioned this scene:

FACTOTUM: (Trembling.) Brotherly Leader, we have received the read-back from the Times copy editor.

QADDAFI: Did it come on purest vellum?

FACTOTUM: Not exactly. Staples fax paper, I used an Internet coupon. (Hesitates.) The Times copy editor -- she changed a semicolon.

QADDAFI: Infidel! She will die for this! Have her buried in sand up to her head in the village quad, then let loose the scorpions!

FACTOTUM: (Shaking.) If you would deign to cast your magnificent gaze upon this PDF …

QADDAFI: (Takes the edited copy, reads.) Hey, she's right -- the sentence flows better now. Forget what I said. Send her a thousand red roses. Name a school after her.

FACTOTUM: (Immensely relieved.) Of course!

QADDAFI: Buy the entire day's press run. Also, tell the Times editors if they don't want anything to happen to their fancy new building, give me the crossword puzzle answers in advance. I like to dazzle people by doing the crossword really fast.

FACTOTUM: (Bows.) By your command.

Who keeps telling him to write skits? I would rather watch My Name Is Earl than continue to be subjected to this garbage.

Re: The Hall of Fame credentials of former Bills WR Andre Reed:

Reed's accomplishment were compiled despite playing for a cold-weather team -- and during the no-huddle period, Jim Kelly's Bills actually rushed more often than they passed --

They were still running the no-huddle, genius.

while Rice played for a warm-weather passing team

Have you ever been to San Francisco (specifically the location of Monster Park/Candlestick Park, which has some of the worst weather in the whole Bay Area) in November and December? It's harder to catch a ball in rain than cold, and it is almost always raining there at that time of the year.

and Carter played most of his career indoors with a dome team. Today with spread offenses putting up pinball numbers, Reed has slipped to the lower part of the career statistical top 10, and is sure to slip further as the years pass, though he still trails only Rice in postseason catches.

And this is why we should put everyone who has played for the Yankees in the last 15 years or so in the baseball HOF; they lead pretty much everyone in postseason counting stats. That's the true measure of HOF worthiness.

The NFL is an entertainment organization; its players are paid millions of dollars for chasing a ball. That's fine, but NFL performance should never be confused with any kind of heroism. Tillman was a patriot, motivated by love of country. He expressed strong misgivings about the Iraq war, but had no misgivings about the US of A, and unlike the many "chicken hawks" in politics and the media who pound the table about how somebody else should go fight, Tillman was willing to offer himself. That made him heroic in the everlasting sense: a hero is someone who takes risks, or endures sacrifice, in order to serve others. Tillman walked away from money -- what I believe the NFL is "about" -- to pursue something much higher. Perhaps Tillman and Kalsu should have their images in Canton; in an age that has devalued honor, they were men of honor. But each of these men made a difficult choice that had nothing to do with football. It would be offensive if pro football, through the Hall of Fame, pretended its players and coaches, paid vast amounts of money for making no sacrifice of any kind, could claim the reflected glory of two departed war heroes.

I'm sort of undecided about whether or not Tillman was a cool guy or not (there are certainly rumors that he was killed by intentional friendly fire, for what those are worth). But to decry the NFL for thinking about honoring him in Canton is fucking ridiculous. They're not "claiming reflected glory," they're honoring a guy who made an unselfish decision that almost no one would make. I don't want to get all political or anything, but Christ, honoring someone who quit your league to go into the army is not "claiming their reflected glory." Easy now.

Popcorn Optional: Planning to watch this Sunday? Of the 17 most-watched television events ever, 17 were Super Bowls. In 2008, 13 of the 15 most-watched network broadcasts and 14 of the 15 most-watched cable broadcasts were NFL games.

It's not totally wrong, but this is an exaggeration. Adjusting for population growth by using percentage of US households watching rather than total worldwide households, the most-watched Super Bowl of all time comes in at number four and Super Bowls as a whole only account for four of the top ten. Just saying.

Leftover US Airways Question: In the harrowing four minutes between when US Airways Flight 1549 lost power and its successful splashdown in the Hudson River, experienced glider pilot Chesley Sullenberger flew the plane while first officer Jeffrey Skiles tried to work through a three-page checklist of steps required for in-flight restart of the engines. Obviously, Skiles had no hope of completing the task in time. But why were there instructions at all -- to say nothing of three pages? Aircraft flight-management computers could be loaded with software that immediately diagnoses the condition of the engines and performs the restart sequence whenever the flight deck sends an engine-restart command. No pilot could trust his memory on a three-page set of steps, but no pilot should have to: This is the kind of job that electronics do better than people. In distressing respects, today's cockpits apparently are often behind the curve of the chip-based technology in a typical teenager's pocket.

Gregg's solution for everything: computers! Robots operating computers! Tiny computers, which do everything for you! Computers never make mistakes or fail- this idea is foolproof! I mean, they work pretty well in iPods and cell phones, right? There is never a situation, such as during an in-flight emergency, when a job is better suited for a human than a computer! Let's put microchips in footballs so we can tell if they break the plane of the goal line! Fuck it, let's just run the whole country with computers! COMPUTERS!

What a fucking moron.

Leftover Curse Points: [M]any readers, including Clara Parke of Portland, Ore., noted that Brett Favre staged an embarrassing late-season meltdown in the same season in which his visage appeared on the cover of the new Madden game.

Favre's season ended horribly not because he is old, or not nearly as good at football as people think, but because he endorsed a product back in the summer of 2008. It's science.

The 2008 Tuesday Morning Quarterback All-Unwanted All-Pros: Each year, TMQ honors those gentlemen who became NFL success stories despite going undrafted, or being waived, or both.

Please enjoy my analysis of the following picks for the team.

Kevin Mawae*, Tennessee (let go by two NFL teams)

Cut by the Jets for salary cap reasons.

Antonio Gates, San Diego (undrafted, did not play college football)

Probably the best pick on the list- how dare no NFL team draft a guy who didn't play NCAA football! What were they thinking?

Kevin Curtis, Philadelphia (walk-on at Utah State)

He wasn't good at football at age 18, but is good now. Therefore: unwanted.

Derrick Ward*, Giants (signed off the crosstown rival Jets' practice squad)

Clearly nobody wanted him, certainly not the Jets, who had him on their practice squad.

Antonio Winfield, Minnesota

The Vikings signed him to a 6 year, $34 million free agent contract.

Wes Welker*, New England (undrafted despite numerous collegiate records at Texas Tech)

Setting records at Texas Tech guarantees NFL success. Just look at Cliff Kingsbury.

Fred Jackson*, Buffalo (undrafted from academics-oriented Division III Coe College, played for Sioux City Bandits of the United Indoor Football League)

Same story as Gates, essentially. What? No one drafted a D-III guy? Who'd have guessed?

Kerry Collins*, Tennessee (released by three NFL teams)

Released by all of those teams for sucking, he magically had a sort of good season while running a stripped-down offense for a team with a great defense and great running game.

Clinton Hart*, San Diego (undrafted out of Central Florida Community College, played in the Arena League)

Another guy who didn't get drafted because he played against nobodies in college. Compelling.

Kyle Larson, Cincinnati (undrafted, and owing to the awful Bengals offense, boomed a league-high 100 punts in 2008)

An undrafted punter? Knock me over with a feather.

Wedge blocker: Darrell Reid, Indianapolis (undrafted)

And you've got an undrafted guy blocking on special teams. Go figure.

Nick Ferguson of Denver, undrafted, was waived by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, did not get his first NFL start until age 28

As a Broncos fan, I can promise you that this guy is terrible. He should be unwanted by the Broncos, as well as every other team in the league, but Denver is so bad on defense that he's basically a warm body filling space for them until they get some real players.

Only two (I think) more TMQs left until August, people. Hold on tight.

A Bit of Credit Where a Bit of Credit Is Due

I'm not saying he's the next F. Scott Fitzgerald, but I was very pleasantly surprised with the conclusion of this piece by Jayson Stark. Hey, how come home teams have been winning games at a surprising pace so far this year? (And speaking of which, how come David Eckstein has a World Series MVP trophy? How come Alex Rodriguez's playoff stats aren't that great since he became a Yankee? How come I sometimes flip a coin five times, and it comes up heads every single time?) Is it any one of a bunch of bullshit, anecdotal explanations? Most writers would be tempted by these foolish and almost definitely WRONG options. But not Jayson. (At least, not this time.) His conclusion- it's probably a matter of small sample size.

I like it.

This Is Not A Fake Jerry Crasnick Column

Title is a shout-out to pnoles' amusing spoof of a Crasnick column. Here's Jerry's latest, which reminds us of the old adage that the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I almost feel bad for ripping on Jerry Crasnick; his columns aren't meant to be serious. They're a lighthearted look at an under-represented idea/issue within the game of baseball. The problem is - Jerry's lightheartedness train goes past the "humor" junction and crashes right into the "infantile" depot. Let's take a look!"

In the quest to determine what it takes to be a good-hitting pitcher, we figured we'd glean some insight from an extremely bad-hitting pitcher. Luckily for us, Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen had a few moments to kill before heading into the booth during the team's recent homestand.

Jerry is an unfunny guy with a lack of acumen for analyzing the important aspects of the game. But this section - totally irrelevant to the rest of the column, reminds us that Crasnick is a journalist because he has access to the insiders like Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen. Larry Andersen's fame and glory prevent ordinary proletarians such as myself from getting close enough to glean parcels of wisdom which no doubt drip from his mouth like honey from a tobacco plant.

** Disclaimer**
I am not making up the following chart. Scroll up and click the link to see if I'm lying if you want to:

HIGHEST CAREER OPS (min. 75 plate appearances)
PLAYER	OPS
Babe Ruth	1.164
Ted Williams	1.116
Lou Gehrig	1.079
Micah Owings	*1.058
Barry Bonds	1.051
Albert Pujols	1.042
* -- .391 OBP, .667 SLG

I don't know what there is to say. This attempt at humor is lousy. But the thing is: maybe Micah Owings really is a better hitter than Barrold Bonds.

The real stats:
HIGHEST CAREER OPS:
1. Chuck Lindstrom 4.000
2. John Paciorek 2.000
HIGHEST CAREER FIELDING PERCENTAGE:
1. Moonlight Graham 1.000
4323 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ON-BASE PERCENTAGE:
1. Eddie Gaedel 1.000
34 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ERA:
1. Lino Urandeta ∞
19 tied at ∞

Moving on... the STARTING NINE!

Micah Owings, Diamondbacks

After watching Mets left-hander Pedro Feliciano throw two fastballs off the outside corner to Owings on Sunday, Diamondbacks broadcaster Mark Grace observed, "I've never seen a pitcher get pitched as carefully as Micah Owings does. He gets pitched like Gary Sheffield in his heyday."

"The wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for."
- Charles Dickens
"The baseball wisdom of Mark Grace is not in the simile, and his unhallowed hands should cease to disturb it, or the Game's done for"
- dan-bob

As a high school sophomore, Owings hit .630 with 21 home runs.

This is why I like Jerry Crasnick. He looked up Micah Owings' high school statistics. That's going the extra mile right there. Man, Micah Owings was a bad ass when he was fifteen!

There are some other pitchers on the list. For example, #2 a noted Chicago wit provides us with this quotable gem:

Zambrano's personal motto was, "If they hang 'em, somebody's gotta bang 'em."

That's what... she said?

#6 on the list is Adam Wainwright:

Wainwright's 87 career at-bats make for a small sample size, but he definitely knows what he's doing.

What? You care about small sample sizes in a joke column about pitchers' hitting? Jerry, make up your mind: are you serious about this business or not? I think I might actually be interested in a serious article evaluating the worth of good-hitting pitchers. But on to more mindless drivel!

#7 is Tim Hudson, who was apparently a big-time stud position player in his off-days in college. But Jerry includes this gem:

"It goes straight to being athletic," said a scout. "He can field his position, get a timely hit or lay down a bunt against a real tough pitcher. He's a baseball player."

He's a baseball player? I thought he was a ballerina, or a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman or a Vice President with time to burn. Damn. He IS a baseball player.

Here's a pet peeve of mine: Why are scouts NEVER identified in their articles? Journalists with access - like Jerry Crasnick - presumably leave them anonymous to protect their insider information. But seriously - every time I see a stupid-ass quotation like this, I want to know which team employs the scout so that if it is my favorite team I can phone them immediately and demand that that assclown is fired from his somewhat-desirable [I suppose] employment in professional sports.

#8 is Jason Marquis:

"He uses the whole field, and he understands what hitting is about," said a National League scout. "He takes a pretty good hack."

Goddamnit, Aaron Harang. Your career -52 OPS+ indicates that you do not know what hitting is about. Presumably, hitting the ball and running to first. This just in: scouts demand anonymity because they know their information is seventy-three percent anecdotal fucking hearsay.

Here is a picture of Jerry Crasnick. Yes, I realize it's hypocritical of me for using infantile insults while criticizing infantile humor. My feeble excuse is that I am not getting paid to write this. If I ever get paid to write, I'll do a much better job.

Till then, it's everyone's favorite palindrome: RACE CAR!

Jeff Pearlman Wants Rick Reilly's Job

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the ultimate puff piece. It's by FJayM favorite, Jeff Pearlman. It's pretty much an exact recap of my first post on this blog, where I satirized Rick Reilly columns for being overly sentimental. The problem with any satire is that someone just might take you seriously. You have to wonder if one poor Irish baby actually ended up dinner thanks to that Swift asshole.

Anyways. To the article!

The other day I submitted a column to my editor that was lathered in snark. That's pretty much all I've been shooting off lately -- one snarky piece after another. It's a trap writers fall into from time to time.

"Snark" is a word invented by Lewis Carroll to describe an imaginary animal. Just because "snarky" is an adjective doesn't mean you can say that you lathered your column in snark, unless you've just slain a Jabberwocky.

We start to believe opining on the negatives of sports is more fruitful than opining on the positives. So we unload on steroids and dumb jocks and David Carr and Pittsburgh's middle relief, quite certain that's what you, the customer, covets.

Not only do we at Fire Jay Mariotti covet just that, we actually produce just that when you writers fail to supply it. Actually, even when you opine on the positives, Jeff, some asshole on the internet will probably make a blog post criticizing your word choices.

"There's a fine line between being cynical and coming across as bitter," my editor said. "The readers are turned off by bitter, and I believe it makes them a lot less likely to read future pieces of yours."

I know for a fact that larry b is turned on by bitter, and I suspect chris w is as well. In fact, I suspect that 95% of this blog's readers are turned on by bitter - that's what brings them here.

Although it doesn't always show, I love sports. Love them.

Actually, Jeff, so do we.

I love walking into the Toronto Blue Jays' clubhouse and finding Sal Fasano -- the ultimate baseball survivor -- standing there with a goofy smile and tobacco juice dripping down his chin.

Disagree. Jon Lester is the ultimate baseball survivor.

I love watching the David Tyree catch on YouTube over and over again. I love little guys who have no business being here: Spud Webb, Harry Chappas, Theo Fleury.

What the hell? No Eckstein?

Also: you're wrong, Jeff. Just because they're little doesn't mean they have no business being here! If they really had no business being there, you can bet that the GMs wouldn't have hired them to play sports, because GMs don't really give a shit about advancing the cause of undersized people everywhere, they just care about winning games!

-- at this point, Jeff goes on a weird memory trip about his high school track team. Weird.

I love what this job has allowed me to witness. Tony Gwynn leading his Padres teammates back onto the field to thank the fans after winning the 1998 NLCS. Robin Ventura's walk-off grand slam single. Luis Gonzalez smoking one up the middle.

There's no way that Gonzo "smoked one" up the middle. Here's where being overly sentimental about things actually influences your memory. Here's VIDEO EVIDENCE of my point:

(fast forward to the 3:45 mark if you don't have time for all of it)



See? The announcers describe it as "floated" - it was a little bloop at best. I realize I'm being nitpicky - overanalyzing one of Jeff's verbs - but it's stuff like that that annoys the hell out of me. You know you're being overly sentimental when you describe a texas leaguer as being "smoked".

[Also, if you listen to the whole YouTube thing, Tim McCarver makes the most salient point I've ever heard him make - immediately before Gonzo's at-bat. I hadn't seen this clip since I watched it live six years ago - but I'm actually kind of impressed. Way to go, Tim!]

I love that I once interviewed Lou Piniella while he was simultaneously urinating, smoking a cigarette and eating a hoagie.

Jeff: TMI.

I love sports names. I love Taylor Coppenrath, Orlando Woolridge, Dewon Brazelton and Alge Crumpler. I love Coco Crisp, Flozell Adams, I.M. Hipp and Mike Augustyniak. I love Nuu Faaola even more than I love Mosi Tatupu, but not quite as much as I love Niko Noga.

Everyone likes good sports names, except larry b who just yesterday complained that he doesn't care what anyone is named. Larry b is a cynical asshole.

Just for the heck of it: Snuffy Stirnweiss.

[This guy has a good list of the good ones in baseball. ]
___________________________________________________________

Jeff, everyone loves sports as much as you do. Even the bitter, cynical people who write blogs like this one. But everyone (should) hate overly sentimental sports pieces, just like this one. Don't turn into Rick Reilly.

It's Unexplainable

Really, the obsession that baseball writers have with these two.

I don't love Jayson Stark or anything, but he's usually a pretty reasonable guy. And actually, this article isn't over-the-top; it just repeats pretty much everything said about Rolen and the most bad ass shortstop-turned-German-wrestler around.

The highlights:

DUNEDIN, Fla. -- It's 786 miles (and one trip through the customs line) from Busch Stadium to the Rogers Centre. But Scott Rolen and David Eckstein don't measure that journey on their odometers.

What are they measuring it on? Their rulers? Their yardsticks?

Oh. Yeah. Probably their hearts. There's a lot of miles on old Eckstein's heart, seeing as he's motorvated every team he's ever been on to many wins.

No matter what you've read or heard, they never wanted to leave St. Louis, a place where they won together. A place where they were once showered with sea-of-red adoration together. But stuff happens. And it sure did happen to them.

Stuff does indeed happen, Jayson.

So now here they are, bound for the left side of the infield in a city north of the border. Here they are, about to become the first two infielders to transplant themselves into some other team's infield, within two years of starting at least 80 games for a World Series champion, since Bill White and Dick Groat went from the Cardinals to the Phillies in 1966.

Classic Stark.

Here they are, in their blue jerseys and blue caps -- not even a red sweatsock in sight. And it sure is fascinating that their new employers don't seem the least bit interested in the events that propelled them toward their awkward exits from St. Louis.

Not just a regular sock, ladies and gentlemen, but not even a red SWEAT sock is visible.

"Those two guys exemplify what we want to be," Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi says. "That's why they're better fits for us. They're grinders, and they're dirtbags. Not that the guys we had before weren't. But that might be the one piece we were missing, from the standpoint of getting in there with the Red Sox and Yankees and just grinding it out from a day-to-day standpoint."

In nearly every profession in America, being called a "dirtbag" is a pretty bad thing. Yet, in some strange fashion, Ricciardi seems to be using it as an endearing term. Strange.

Do not fear, AL East fans. The Blue Jays are in the hands of a man who thinks that the difference between his team and the Red Sox/Yankees juggernauts is a lack of grinding it out on a day-to-day standpoint.

"Just the style of these two guys is something we needed," manager John Gibbons says. "It's not like either of them are such great players that everything comes so easy to them; they're cruisers. They both get down and dirty. And teams that win always have their share of those guys. I think we needed more of that."

What? I would think that if they had to work hard at certain things, they would be the opposite of cruisers! I think of "cruisers" as players who are :

1. So good at baseball they seem to cruise their way to ridiculous statistics every year with little effort (see Pujols, Albert and Rodriguez, Alex)
-or-
2. Very average at baseball but have the happy disposition that makes them just cruise through the clubhouse, because nobody is really jealous of their skills and their MVPs. (see Casey, Sean).

OK, maybe these guys are cruiser #2. Also, I like how John Gibbons gives them a nasty backhanded compliment: they're not so good ... they have to work hard!

Once, their old team said the same stuff about these two men. And it was all true. The fit was perfect, for both of them. They played on a 100-win team together in 2005. They played on a team that won the World Series in 2006. Eckstein was a World Series MVP. Rolen ripped off a 10-game postseason hitting streak.

I like how Stark uses these gaudy stats to describe how these two men had such successful careers. I like how they pleasantly obscure the fact that, in the last three seasons, those two gentlemen put together one combined season in which they OPS+'d over the league average.

That's how "stats" are "good". They can make a way for a pretty below average player seem like the best player in baseball.

There's a bunch of other crap about Rolen fighting with LaRussa and Eckstein being small. But that's the worst of it. I hope that my boss never tells me I'm not too good at my job, but he likes how I grind my way through the work day.

Add This Guy To the List of People David Eckstein Is Not Better Than

A quickie from JayBird's online column.

In signing the chubby and maddeningly inconsistent Juan Uribe to a one-year deal, Williams said something that blew my mind. ``Uribe is, and has been, one of the most consistent shortstops in the game,'' he said.

How does this statement blow your mind? Uribe's numbers don't vary ridiculously from year to year. I mean yeah, there's variation you can expect from every player there, but you know what you're getting. Low batting average, low OBP, decent-to-good power, high strikeouts, low walks. He does it every year. The problem isn't that Uribe isn't a consistent hitter there, Joe Morgan, the problem is that he's a bad hitter.

What's truly remarkable about Uribe are his FRAA for the past 6 years: 26, 19, 6, 14, 8, 19.

So, you win, Jay. I guess he is inconsistent in the field. You don't know in any given year whether you're going to get Uribe's pretty good glove or his awesome glove.

Consider it more proof that Williams is still in love with his 2005 title creation, even if the mission is 2008. Uribe hit .234 last season. His on-base percentage: .284. He fields well enough, but the Sox needed to part ways and upgrade the shortstop position. Free agent David Eckstein might be wearing down, but he's in shape, his winner's attitude is infectious and he'd have been a worthwhile gamble as a much-needed leadoff hitter.

David Eckstein, 2007 WARP: 2.4
Juan Uribe, 2007 WARP: 3.9

David Eckstein: winning attitude, skinny.
Juan Uribe: fat, kills people(?).

First comparison: Helps determine what a player is worth.
Second ocmparison: Pretty irrelevant to a winning team.

Granted, Eck can lead off because of his above-average OBP, and the Sox need that, but it isn't worth giving up anything more than they gave to Uribe.

Too much of the '05 everyday nucleus remains intact.

Problem with the White Sox: Too many guys who won the World Series together are on the team.

Williams will be forgiven if he trades for third baseman Miguel Cabrera

What the fuck could he possibly trade for Miguel Cabrera? He'd have to eat the salary of anyone that gets paid significant dough, and the Sox farm system isnt exactly crawling with prospects. (Maybe the Marlins will take Jerry Owens....PLEASE TAKE JERRY OWENS)

And, much as this will rile the ancient and ready-for-retirement Hawk Harrelson, won't a .500 season further relegate the Sox to No. 2 team status around here?

1) Who cares
2) Taking shots at the increasingly senile Hawk Harrelson shows such great professionalism.

As a final thought, it seems that Pittsburgh's new general management is going to use statistics to valuate players. We are now down to zero (0) teams in MLB that would be better off if a Fire Jay Mariotti writer took over as GM. Rats.

A Rant About Addition by Subtraction

The Big Lead is reporting that Rick Reilly is leaving Sports Illustrated. Assuming it's true, what a fantastic turn of events for the publication! I really enjoy SI. In general I think it makes for great dentist office waiting room reading material. But I've always maintained that the one way they could make it even better would be to stop filling up the back page with mindless drivel made up of single sentence paragraphs and puns that wouldn't make the cut for Laffy Taffy wrappers. I'm OK with puff pieces; but his come off as heiniously preachy. And there may not be a better example anywhere in sports journalism of someone who is not nearly as clever as they think they are. More than anything, I would describe his style of prose as awkward. Seriously, Rick. You're a travesty. His nephew went to my high school, so they got him to speak at our fall athletic banquet my sophomore year. I'm happy to report he is even less entertaining in person than he is in print.

The sad part: popular opinion/conventional wisdom on this is going to be that it's a "big loss" for SI. In fact, The Big Lead says so in different words in their post. Are people like this reading the same Rick Reilly as I am? Just because hordes of stupid people love something heartwarming doesn't make it good. (See: popular comic strips, such as "For Better or For Worse" or "Baby Blues") There are literally a hundred sportswriters out there who, given the kind of access Reilly has to big time athletes, could do a waaaaaay better job than Rick. I'm already looking forward to reading the work of whoever replaces him. The kind of people who think Reilly won't easily be replaced are the kind of people who think Jay Mariotti is clever and informative.

no! you can't... how... nooooooo!

doesn't cbssportsline.com's scott miller understand that a-rod is the most unclutchiest unclutcher of all time? apparently not, because otherwise he wouldn't have written this monstrosity of an article. no one else comes close. two other very well paid guys with very similar postseason stats can't even compare. why not? because they didn't single handedly end the yankees' postseason chances, that's why. vlad guerrero and alfonso soriano play for the angels and cubs, respectively. therefore they're not chokers like choke-rod. only choke-rod is a postseason failure. no one else. i mean, let's be fair to soriano and vlad- they've both been under tremendous pressure to produce in the postseason. cut them a little bit of slack already! i think they've earned it. rodriguez? wah wah wah. cry me a river. i'll tell you what- i'll get in touch with you next april if and when i need a walk off grand slam. until then, just try to enjoy your piles and piles of money that you didn't earn. if only you had hit a HR in every at bat you had against the indians, as you're being paid to do, new york would be moving on to the ALCS. instead you decided to blow it because you're lazy and useless and horrible. and for that you should be shot. enjoy the canadian baseball league, fake-rod, because no MLB owner in his right is going to sign you when you opt out of your yankee contract! good riddance.

(note to anyone who might be new to this blog: i'm being sarcastic, miller's article is actually really good. go read it.)

Heyman's Follies

We know Jon Heyman. Mr. VORPsucks. Mr. if-your-team-ain't-in-a-playoff-race-you-ain't-worth-talkin-about-,-son. Mr. Jimmy-Rollins-is-the-best-thing-ever.

Rollins may not be MVP, but he leads NL in fun factor

Of course. Nothing more fun than Jimmy Rollins. I love how he bashes VORP for being a made-up stat, but then he invents awesome ones that are meaningful like Fun Factor (FF).

Your NL leaders, up to the minute in FF.

1) Jimmy Rollins: 76.3
2) Ryan Braun: 74.9 (he's soooo close!)
3) Mike Lamb: 69.1 (I know, I'm shocked too)
.
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121) Hanley Ramirez: 22.5 (OK at baseball, but his team is bad!)
.
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400) Barry Bonds: -43.1

So....story checks out.

The National League MVP race is still up for grabs -- I have Prince Fielder, David Wright, Jimmy Rollins and Matt Holliday leading a group of perhaps 10 -- but I will hand out a somewhat less-known honor here now.

Heyman's made his stance before that MVPs must be on contending teams. The Rockies are definitely not a contending team right now (sorry Larry). So why is Matt Holliday here while Miguel Cabrera and Hanley Ramirez are absent? Of course, there's a simple answer to that. I mean, if those two were truly good players, the Marlins would probably be good. Or if the Marlins were good, those two would be worse somehow because of all the pressure. Whatever, we've been over this. Back to the crap.

All I demand to know is exactly which player is "analyst" Jon Heyman's favorite, anyway.

By far my Favorite Player of the Year (FPY) has to be Rollins, the tiny Phillies shortstop who talks big and plays even bigger.

You heard it here first.

Jimmy Rollins: 5'8", 175 lbs
Jimmy Rollins' Talking: 6'3", 230 lbs
Jimmy Rollins' Playing: 7'2", 322 lbs

If this isn't the definition of little man, big attitude, bigger performance, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what is.

Before we get into this, though, I acknowledge that Rollins was a very good, healthy player on a team full of injuries. Credit is due.

One of the biggest reasons the Phillies are right there is one of the smallest guys in the league. As I interviewed Rollins at Shea Stadium on Sunday, I thought that he could just as easily be working a few miles to the east at Belmont Park. He is that tiny.

Big reasons, small guys, Philadelphia Phillies.

I have to keep reminding myself that Jimmy Rollins is actually pretty good at baseball despite Heyman's constant efforts to tweak my brain into thinking he's the black David Eckstein.

Heyman, the average height for human males is 5'9". Rollins is 5'8". He isn't tiny. Small for a baseball player, yes. Huge for a jockey: also yes.

Yet the last thing he'd want is to be graded on a curve, to say his team is handicapped by its pain, and Rollins by his stature. No one -- no matter how big or small - has come up bigger than him this season.

This is completely and totally false.

He has 27 home runs,

...making him T-26th in MLB and T-19th in the NL

85 RBIs,

...making him T-47th in MLB and 26th in the NL in this stupid, team-dependent stat.

127 runs

Because Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell hit behind him.

and 36 stolen bases.

Yeah, he's pretty fast, and doing well in this overrated category.

Eventually we get to re: Hanley Ramirez (Miguel Cabrera is never mentioned).

Here's my take: Rollins may be my favorite player at the moment, but as regular readers of this column know, I don't believe a player can truly be "most valuable'' if his great individual numbers don't lead to winning (as is the case with Ramirez), contention and preferably the playoffs.

Yeah, fuck you, Hanley, and your 10.0 WARP3. That doesn't lead to winning. If you're so good, why isn't the goodness of your bat and the energy of your speed psychically or otherwise transferred into the bodies of Scott Olsen, Dontrelle Willis, Sergio Mitre, Rick Vanden Hurk, Wes Obermueller, and Byung-Hyun Kim so that they aren't one of the worst fucking groups of men allowed to throw the first pitch of a baseball game? Huh? Can you answer me that, Hanley? No, of course you aren't good enough to do that. You're just a punk kid playing baseball on easy street at the bottom of the division who isn't valuable at all because none of your at-bats even matter. Loser.

Moving on to a little snippet from later on....

• Derek Jeter really isn't having one of his best years. But he remains one of the most clutch players ever. I know some stat people claim there's no such thing as a clutch hitter, and all I can say is they just haven't been paying enough attention.

Very easy for you to say that the day after that huge home run that eliminated me from the playoffs in my fantasy league on the last at-bat for either team in the week. You know what he was OPSing this month, September, the clutchiest of months, before that game last night? .442* That's clutch, baby. Is there a playoff hunt going on? I think there is....I wouldn't know though...I probably haven't been paying enough attention, as one of those stat people.

A lesson you'd do well to learn, Heyman. People have a tendency to remember a thing when it hits, but not when it misses. It's the root of all superstition, including your stupid theory of "clutch ability".

*Thanks to Fire Joe Morgan for the stat

Best Side Job Ever

The Rocky Mountain News had a great writeup this morning about the guys who keep score for MLB's GameDay program (used by ESPN.com's Gamecast)

It's not an opinion piece, but I thought I'd post it because this looks like such an awesome job for someone who is a baseball fan.

Check it out

Let's Write a Rick Reilly Column

Small people people in wheelchairs poor people teaching lessons to underserved people struggle struggle conquering history and sports as metaphor game of life winning losing how you play the game rudy black people white people red people david eckstein green people people from small towns beating teams from big city fathers and sons sports movies eddie gaedel drawing emotional responses the power of young people cheaters are bad and so are people who don't realize that sports is just part of the big game of life playing catch with your dad i once met a man who lived in a trailer so he could afford LSU season tickets oh wait thats a real story NOT shawn kemp or wilt chamberlain because good sports stars keep their sexual indiscretions hushed - tragic heroes epic heroes stories that resonate in your soul field of dreams its kind of like literature that rednecks can understand i even like soccer because its emotions connect to my soul real stories sometimes make me cry.

sports are just beautiful.