This Is Not A Fake Jerry Crasnick Column

Title is a shout-out to pnoles' amusing spoof of a Crasnick column. Here's Jerry's latest, which reminds us of the old adage that the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I almost feel bad for ripping on Jerry Crasnick; his columns aren't meant to be serious. They're a lighthearted look at an under-represented idea/issue within the game of baseball. The problem is - Jerry's lightheartedness train goes past the "humor" junction and crashes right into the "infantile" depot. Let's take a look!"

In the quest to determine what it takes to be a good-hitting pitcher, we figured we'd glean some insight from an extremely bad-hitting pitcher. Luckily for us, Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen had a few moments to kill before heading into the booth during the team's recent homestand.

Jerry is an unfunny guy with a lack of acumen for analyzing the important aspects of the game. But this section - totally irrelevant to the rest of the column, reminds us that Crasnick is a journalist because he has access to the insiders like Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen. Larry Andersen's fame and glory prevent ordinary proletarians such as myself from getting close enough to glean parcels of wisdom which no doubt drip from his mouth like honey from a tobacco plant.

** Disclaimer**
I am not making up the following chart. Scroll up and click the link to see if I'm lying if you want to:

HIGHEST CAREER OPS (min. 75 plate appearances)
PLAYER	OPS
Babe Ruth	1.164
Ted Williams	1.116
Lou Gehrig	1.079
Micah Owings	*1.058
Barry Bonds	1.051
Albert Pujols	1.042
* -- .391 OBP, .667 SLG

I don't know what there is to say. This attempt at humor is lousy. But the thing is: maybe Micah Owings really is a better hitter than Barrold Bonds.

The real stats:
HIGHEST CAREER OPS:
1. Chuck Lindstrom 4.000
2. John Paciorek 2.000
HIGHEST CAREER FIELDING PERCENTAGE:
1. Moonlight Graham 1.000
4323 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ON-BASE PERCENTAGE:
1. Eddie Gaedel 1.000
34 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ERA:
1. Lino Urandeta ∞
19 tied at ∞

Moving on... the STARTING NINE!

Micah Owings, Diamondbacks

After watching Mets left-hander Pedro Feliciano throw two fastballs off the outside corner to Owings on Sunday, Diamondbacks broadcaster Mark Grace observed, "I've never seen a pitcher get pitched as carefully as Micah Owings does. He gets pitched like Gary Sheffield in his heyday."

"The wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for."
- Charles Dickens
"The baseball wisdom of Mark Grace is not in the simile, and his unhallowed hands should cease to disturb it, or the Game's done for"
- dan-bob

As a high school sophomore, Owings hit .630 with 21 home runs.

This is why I like Jerry Crasnick. He looked up Micah Owings' high school statistics. That's going the extra mile right there. Man, Micah Owings was a bad ass when he was fifteen!

There are some other pitchers on the list. For example, #2 a noted Chicago wit provides us with this quotable gem:

Zambrano's personal motto was, "If they hang 'em, somebody's gotta bang 'em."

That's what... she said?

#6 on the list is Adam Wainwright:

Wainwright's 87 career at-bats make for a small sample size, but he definitely knows what he's doing.

What? You care about small sample sizes in a joke column about pitchers' hitting? Jerry, make up your mind: are you serious about this business or not? I think I might actually be interested in a serious article evaluating the worth of good-hitting pitchers. But on to more mindless drivel!

#7 is Tim Hudson, who was apparently a big-time stud position player in his off-days in college. But Jerry includes this gem:

"It goes straight to being athletic," said a scout. "He can field his position, get a timely hit or lay down a bunt against a real tough pitcher. He's a baseball player."

He's a baseball player? I thought he was a ballerina, or a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman or a Vice President with time to burn. Damn. He IS a baseball player.

Here's a pet peeve of mine: Why are scouts NEVER identified in their articles? Journalists with access - like Jerry Crasnick - presumably leave them anonymous to protect their insider information. But seriously - every time I see a stupid-ass quotation like this, I want to know which team employs the scout so that if it is my favorite team I can phone them immediately and demand that that assclown is fired from his somewhat-desirable [I suppose] employment in professional sports.

#8 is Jason Marquis:

"He uses the whole field, and he understands what hitting is about," said a National League scout. "He takes a pretty good hack."

Goddamnit, Aaron Harang. Your career -52 OPS+ indicates that you do not know what hitting is about. Presumably, hitting the ball and running to first. This just in: scouts demand anonymity because they know their information is seventy-three percent anecdotal fucking hearsay.

Here is a picture of Jerry Crasnick. Yes, I realize it's hypocritical of me for using infantile insults while criticizing infantile humor. My feeble excuse is that I am not getting paid to write this. If I ever get paid to write, I'll do a much better job.

Till then, it's everyone's favorite palindrome: RACE CAR!