Pretty Much Every Jonah Keri Column Is Identical

At least in the reaction they provoke from me, anyways. I'm always like "Good... fine... that works... OK, nevermind, that's pretty dumb." You'll see what I mean. From his column about MLB's current "failure dynasties."

Baltimore Orioles

Five bad moves

1. Firing Davey Johnson. Yes, he has an ego, and there's a long list of owners and front-office people who've struggled to get along with him. But all he's ever done is win, in New York, in Cincinnati and, yes, in Baltimore. The year before Davey Johnson took over, the Orioles finished two games under .500. The next season, they won 88 games and the wild card, followed by a 98-win season and a division title. The O's cut him loose, and they haven't sniffed .500 since.

First on the list, out of about a hundred things you could choose... something about a manager. Awesome. We have a label for that, I think. Yes, it must've been the loss of Johnson that caused Baltimore's pitching staff to go from an ERA+ of 112 in 1997 to an ERA+ of 95 in 1998. Clearly. Do managers do nothing? No. They help their team win or lose a few games a year. Do managers take a team from 98 wins to 84 wins? No.

2. Signing Albert Belle to a five-year, $65 million contract.

3. Hiring Syd Thrift, Jim Beattie and Mike Flanagan as GMs.

4. Trading for Sammy Sosa.

5. Nearly everything else they did in 2005.

The order of reaction-provoking items was reversed, but now you see what I meant in the intro. OK... good... yes... that's a fair point... oops, you blew it.

Kansas City Royals

1. Trading Johnny Damon and Mark Ellis for Roberto Hernandez, Angel Berroa and A.J. Hinch.

2. Trading Jermaine Dye for Neifi Perez.

Good, fine...

There are a hundred ways to measure Jermaine Dye versus Neifi Perez in the 6½ years since this deal was made. Sometimes keeping it simple works best:

Homers since trade:
Dye 169
Perez 21

Awful. Just awful. He might as well have said, "There are a hundred ways to measure this trade in the 6 and a half years since it happened. Let's pick one of the absolute worst." Perez could have become a five time All Star since the deal was completed and still only have 80 home runs over that duration. Please- use any other statistic to make this point. Batting average. OBP. Runs. RBIs. Even fucking "games played" would be more relevant. You know, there are at least a 100 ways to demonstrate that the US Army is more powerful than the Mongolian army. Let's keep it simple:

Number of guys named "Mike" enlisted:
United States: 10,000
Mongolia: 0

3. The Colt Griffin/Roscoe Crosby draft.

4. Passing on a chance to move to the National League.

In 1997, with MLB set to usher in expansion teams from Arizona and Tampa Bay, the Royals were offered a chance to switch to the National League as part of a realignment plan. Here was a chance for Kansas City to forge an intrastate rivalry with St. Louis,

Fair enough.

likely driving greater interest and attendance for the team,

Yes, possibly.

while escaping the American League, ruled at the time by the dynastic Yankees (and later populated by other well-heeled powers like the Red Sox and Angels).

What... are... you... TALKING about? As if the Royals somehow blew a chance to live life on Easy Street by not switching. Are you, for lack of a better term, fucking nuts? In 1997, the Yankees had just won the World Series, true. And they were about to blossom in a dynasty that would win three more championships in the next four years. But here's the thing- they had also made the playoffs just twice in the previous fifteen seasons. So I really don't think it's fair to say the AL was "ruled" by the "dynastic" Yankees at that exact point. It was soon to be ruled by them, but that's entirely different. Meanwhile, over in the NL, the Braves had won four pennants and a World Series over the course of the previous six seasons. Doesn't that maybe sound like a team you wouldn't want to share a league with? And somehow the Angels get a mention here for winning, what, a single World Series and no other pennants? From that perspective, the Royals should be glad they didn't switch. The NL as of 1997 was ruled by the dynastic Braves (and later populated by other well-heeled powers like the Diamondbacks and Marlins).

Kansas City ownership, a faceless, inert group four years after the death of long-time owner Ewing Kauffman and three years before David Glass took the reins, decided to … do nothing.

OK, Bill Simmons. It sure does stink when teams don't do exciting things mostly for the sake of doing them, doesn't it? In that vein, here's a trade I think should happen by July- Seattle sends Felix Hernandez and Ichiro to Philadelphia for Cole Hamels and Jimmy Rollins. Well? Wouldn't that be awesome?

5. Hiring Tony Muser, then waiting so long to fire Tony Muser.

So this time it was two dick ups out of five. Really only one and a half out of five, because the Dye/Perez thing is a good point. He just blew the explanation.

Pittsburgh Pirates

1. Keeping Andy Van Slyke instead of Barry Bonds.

Partial credit- after reading a handful of Bonds books this past year or so, I've learned that the situation was a lot more complicated than Keri makes it sound.

2. Sticking with Cam Bonifay for too long as GM.

3. Sticking with Dave Littlefield for too long as GM.

4. Drafting Bryan Bullington No. 1 overall in 2002.

Really? Seriously? That's in the top five? It's not like that wasn't dumb, but I mean... it's the MLB draft. Shit happens, even with top overall picks. You only have to go back about six or seven years to find a miserable first round pick made by any team and then compile a list of current stars they could have taken instead (if only they weren't so stupid!). Here, I hate the Red Sox, so let's use them in spite of their wild success of late: In 2003, they took David Murphy (who did nothing for them before being traded to Texas, where he could still become an everyday player, but it's safe to say he hasn't lived up to expectations) when they could have had Conor Jackson, Chad Cordero, or Chad Billingsley. What a bunch of know-nothing dopes!

5. Selling the franchise to Kevin McClatchy.

Again, about one and a half out of these five points was a disaster. Although I'm sure he'd find a way to abysmally bungle the line, I think Joe Morgan would be tempted to call Jonah's performance here "consistent."