This article is almost as stupid is Chris W's last post (and face)

Uh oh, Chris W got me good! Watch out! Here come the hypocrisy police! Almost as frightening as the cyber police! Simmons post coming tomorrow night. In the meantime enjoy this half-hearted effort.

Now that I'm done burning the hell out of Mr. Thinks-He-Can-Burn-But-Actually-Can't with the burniest of burnsauces, time to turn my attention to LZ Granderson. He wrote one of the most embarrassing examples I've ever seen of an article that 1) has just one point to make, a point which is brain-liquefyingly stupid; 2) the author realizes that fact; 3) which prompts the author to claim that they are in fact not making said brain-liquefyingly stupid point; 4) leaving the author with no point at all. It's a fantastic combination of WRONG and an article that didn't need to be written. Given the popularity of those two labels over there in our left hand sidebar, this seemed like a good article to bitch about while I work on this Simmons novel. Say what you will about how shitty that guy's writing is, but he's also very longwinded.

I will admit, as a lifelong Detroit Tigers fan, when I first heard we snagged Prince Fielder, I was ecstatic.

Victor Martinez had blown out his knee just days before -- lost for the upcoming season -- and replacing his offensive production wasn't going to be easy. A step back, after an amazing 2011, seemed inevitable. Then out of nowhere Detroit landed Fielder and life was good.

And I said to myself, what do you think the Tigers had to pay him to get him to sign? A couple hundred thousand a year? Couldn't be more than that, right? MAYBE THEY COULD PAY HIM WITH FOOD LOL

Then I saw the price tag and thought, "What the hell?"

He signed for about as much as he was expected to sign for when the offseason began! This is bananas!

All we hear about in the news these days is the struggling global economy, but in the middle of all this downbeat chatter a sports team bearing the name of one of the poorest cities in the country signs a baseball player to a nine-year deal worth $214 million.

How dare the Tigers ruin Detroit's reputation as a broke-ass city.

Talk about a disconnect.

Talk about the most worthless fucking article you could ever write. A thousand Jay Mariottis, confined to a warehouse, typing away on a thousand extra-smug typewriters, couldn't do any better. I'm pretty sure the "Isn't it WILD how much athletes are paid??? All for playing a ballgame!!! It ain't right I tell ya!!!" angle is the most played out, boring, unnewsworthy, uncommentaryworthy one in sports journalism. I'd rather read about Brett Favre. I'd rather read about how great Boston's sports scene is. Fuck it, I'd rather read about Simmons's most recent trip to Vegas.

Granted, the Tigers' budget and the city's budget are not related.

Admission #1 that this article should not exist.

But doesn't it bother you that the new first baseman will make more money this year ($23 million) than what's individually budgeted for all but one of the city's police precincts?

It does bother me that Detroit and many other cities have no money. It does not bother me that the market for baseball players has determined that a guy like Fielder is worth $23 million, because the private organization that is the Detroit Tigers has that money and is going to pay him that money.

Now I do not want to start an Occupy Comerica Park movement.

Fucking occupy references. Fucking dammit.

/waits for comment along the lines of "occupy Larry B's vagina harf harf harf"

I do not have a problem with the mechanics of capitalism nor do I begrudge Tigers owner Mike Illitch or anyone else for being rich and spending their money any way they want to.

Admissions #2 and #3 that this article should not exist.

In fact, I hope to join their exclusive club one day. Preferably with my crunchy granola idealism intact but who knows … I'm not making any promises.

You and me both. The difference is, I don't sit around saying/typing things like "Gee golly gosh, you know, garbagemen and crossing guards are the REAL heroes. Why don't we pay THEM $23 million a year?" I know it's fucking criminal how little teachers and social workers are paid in this country. I also know baseball salaries have not a fucking thing to do with that.

Anyway, my point:

My editor told me I had 8 minutes to come up with a new angle on the Fiedler signing and I'm high as hell as I'm typing this. How am I doing?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Fielder's contract.

Admission #4.

he problem is the environment in which a $214 million contract in today's wider economic landscape is even possible. Why are we so crazy about our favorite teams that the demand for better schools or roads takes a backseat by fiscal comparison?

Like I said, he's fucking baked. Hey man, you ever thought about... what if ATHLETES paid to see US work? What if PETS owned US?

Sure, no one wants to hear and see and read about bad news all of the time. But is distracting ourselves from everyday life so critical that we'll ignore the financial solvency of the games we love is much stronger than many of the communities in which they are played?

God yes. Yes a million times. As soon as you have a way to fix the mind-bogglingly complex political, structural, monetary, racial, and sociological problems that cause cities, states, and entire countries to go broke, I'll happily tune out the sports and listen to you flap your gums. Until then shut up or write something else.

Yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy of a sportswriter complaining about the insane amount of money connected to the sports industry. But as I said earlier, I want to move on up like George and Weezy and cannot guarantee my crunchy granola idealism is going to make the trip. The reality is there is more than one reality. I want to make a good living so I need billions to continue to flow through sports. I also want the Tigers to continue to be successful and that comes at cost. In 2003, the Tigers lost an American League-record 119 games. This year, thanks to Fielder, we are World Series favorites.

That's probably the worst paragraph of sportswriting I've ever read. In case you couldn't identify it on your own, the worst part of all is the final sentence.

Fuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wish I could have liveblogged this entire game.

Scene: Tigers/Twins, Bottom of the 10th, Tigers lead 5-4. One out. Runners on first and third. Your hitter is Matt Tolbert. Yes, that's right, a player as bad as Matt Tolbert is going to decide the fate of the single biggest game of regular season baseball. Chip Caray and "Color Guy" have the call.

Pitch 1: Rodney throws a hard breaking ball down. Tolbert waves at it with his bat about 2 feet over where the ball crosses the plate with all the velocity of an old Asian woman driving on the expressway.

Pitch 2: Called fastball strike at the knees.

Pitch 3: Tolbert hits a weak bouncer up the middle. Within inches of Polanco's glove and a likely game-ending double-play (despite Tolbert's speed), the ball sneaks past the infield up the middle for a hit.

Color Guy: "What an at-bat by Tolbert!"

That's the formula for hitting success folks. It's simpler than we thought.

Step 1: Swing at awful pitch
Step 2: Take called strike
Step 3: Weakly hit bouncer
Step 4: ....
Step 5: Win!

__________________________________________________

And to conclude the game:

Chip Caray: You have to tip your cap to the Jim Leyland and the Detroit Tigers. They could not hold a 7 game lead at the beginning of September.

Gee there Chip, that sure was a thoughtful thing to say! You gotta hand it to the Chicago Cubs. They did not come close to living up to their talent this year.

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Welcome to U.S. Cellular Field. Home of Your.....JOE MORGAN

Yep, it's another Sunday night LiveBlog! Larry is on his way over, and already caught a really awful Joe-ism. (I was watching V for Vendetta at the time, thinking the start of the game was going to be delayed a little bit. Underrated movie, I tell ya.)

I'm going to keep my stuff in this typeface. Larry's will be in italics.

Anyway, on to Rogers v Danks! We'll talk later after Joe's stupidity manifests itself (estimated time 3 minutes).

Quotes as close as possible. No DVR here yet.

Here's a couple of pre-broadcast bits from Larry B.

Opening scene of the broadcast: a wide screen shot of US Cellular. The national anthem is playing in the background. No audio from Jon or Joe. After about 15 seconds of silence on their part: Jon: "Hello! We're on the South Si-" He stops abruptly, and remains silent for 10 more seconds. Then: "Hello! We're on the South Side of Chicago!"

Off to a flying start.

Joe talks about all the threats in the Tiger lineup, and concludes:

"So it's not easy to beat the Tigers, although over the course of this season it appears that way, it hasn't been."

So I guess a lot of teams have been working extra super hard to beat the Tigers and keep them 7 games under .500, then, huh?

Edit: Bottom of 1st:

Joe Morgan: Thome just muscled that ball into right-center for a single, whereas most guys would have had a broken bat.

Correct me if I'm wrong (and I might be), but if you swing hard, don't you stand a greater chance of breaking your bat given the same point of contact?

Edit: After reading this, I feel better. I'm pretty sure Joey's wrong on this one.

Edit: Top of 3rd:

This was fun.

Joe Morgan: [Alexei Ramirez] has played his way back into Rookie of the Year consideration with the way he's played in this pennant....winning....situation

What?

Joe Morgan: (comparing Ramirez to Evan Longoria) He's been here all year, while Longoria wasn't there at the beginning or with his recent injury...

According to Baseball Prospectus's latest updated stats pages, both have exactly 441 plate appearances. Isn't that Joe-negatingly beautiful?

One's a power hitter, one's a.....second baseman...

wafij;oslekjfakwef'law;flasfk;laweask;lfasfd

Now there's two mutually exclusive categories if I've ever seen 'em. Ask Chase Utley if that one holds true.

Edit: Bottom of 3rd, Larry B finally here and chiming in.

"Well, you know what Yogi said, 'It ain't over til it's over.' I mean, it might look like it's over for the Yankees, but it's not over yet."

ESPN's Yankees playoff odds: Rays: 99.8% Red Sox: 99.7% Blue Jays: 0.2% Yankees 0.1%

It's over, man.

Edit: Bottom of the 3rd

Jon Miller: It used to be the new Comiskey, now it's U.S. Cellular Field. Try saying that 3 times fast!

Joe Morgan: ...That's ok.

So is "U.S. Cellular Field" tough to say fast now? That's hilarious. And in the process, we've uncovered Joe's childhood fear of tongue-twisters.

Edit: Top of 4th, Larry is on a roll here.

Joe: I always used to say, back when i was in high school, if it's a full moon, and you're out with your date, it's a good thing.

I think Joe is referring to werewolves.

Edit: Top of 4th. Marcus Thames, a notorious hard swinger and muscleman, just shattered his bat in a soft fielder's choice.

But Jim Thome would have muscled it into the outfield for a hit. I'm 100% sure.

Side note: If Progressive Auto Insurance doesn't take those Kathy Griffin commercials off the air, I am going to stop watching TV and move to the Yukon.

Edit: Bottom of 4th.

Joe Morgan: (on the Phillies) The difference obviously is Ryan Howard. When he hits, the entire lineup seems to hit. When he struggles, the entire lineup seems to struggle.

Phillies, April 18-May 20. Record: 17-14. Ryan Howard's OPS: .614.

August 7-August 25. Record: 10-8. Howard's OPS: .492.

Am I cherry picking? Of course. Who's going to stop me? But seriously, I think this makes it a whole lot less obvious as to the magnitude Howard's contributions have on Philly's success. I think what Joe meant to say is that Howard is African-American, so therefore he's awesome. (See: Sheffield, Gary and Joe's well established track record of gladhanding him.)

Edit: Bottom of the 5th.

After Joe Morgan gushed for like an hour about Rogers needing to throw the high fastball, Alexei Ramirez slapped said high fastball into center for a single. Isn't life beautiful?

Joe Morgan: Mr. October... It was a misnomer. People think he was named that just because of those three home runs he hit, but he was always good in the playoffs.

So when you say "misnomer," (a word I'm shocked he knows in the first place), you actually mean, "appropriate nickname." Joe's mastery of the English language continues to inspire viewers across America.

Side note: Did any of you guys this is the last season for Yankee Stadium? Because I sure didn't. I LOVE YOU ESPN ZOMG MWAH!

Edit: Bottom of 7th

Joe has either fallen asleep, wandered away, or is on the can. Again. Whatever old-people bowel problems Joe seems to have every Sunday night, they seem to not affect Jon Miller.

Scary thought: What if Joe had to step in as the play-by-play guy for a half inning?

Bottom of 8th, Tigers have scored 7 unanswered to tie the game.

Joe Morgan: They're not used to blowing 7 run leads either. They tried outscoring them by 7 runs, but that didn't work, so now they're going to try to score one more run.

Apparently, all attempts to remove one of the Tigers' runs have failed!

Steve Phillips just announced that because of a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano, the Cubs are now the team to beat in the National League. Thanks, Steve.

Larry B and pnoles out.

The Best Way To Evaluate Players.....Runs!

Pregame, Tigers/Angels, Joe Morgan

Curtis Granderson's return has been huge for the Tigers. In the first 21 games of this season, the Tigers' leadoff man has scored 3 runs. In the 4 games since Granderson's been back, he's scored 8 runs.

I'm not going to argue with you. I'm just going to give you completely irrelevant statistics right now, you know, just in an attempt to change the subject.

Placido Polanco OBP, through Apr 22: .292

Tigers' 2-hole hitter OBP, Apr 23-26: .526

Okay, back on topic now.....it's crazy what a difference Granderson makes, isn't it?

Billy: Still The Shittier Ripken Brother

Cal and Billy have a show together on XM. Now, I have to confess that I've never listened to said show. But I did hear Billy appear as a guest on Buck Martinez's show this morning, and given some of the things he said, I think it's fair to assume his talent as a radio personality lags just as far behind his Cal's as his baseball playing ability used to.

Re: the Royals, Orioles, and Marlins and their hot start:

They've just been playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. That's what you like to see.

Excellent point. That's as good as reason as any I can think of. I mean, why did the Patriots go undefeated during the regular season last fall? By playing good, solid, fundamental football. The New Orleans Hornets and their surprisingly fantastic season? You guessed it. Good, solid, fundamental baseball. I mean basketball. The 1927 Yankees? Yup. Meanwhile, elsewhere in baseball, this kind of logic can be used to explain why certain teams are struggling. I hear the Tigers have been throwing opposite handed and trying to hit with bowling pins, fluorescent light tubes, and anything else they can find that might be hilariously misused as a bat. The Astros' position players have been doing dizzy bat relay races in the clubhouse tunnel before taking the field every inning. The Nationals won that exciting game first (domestic) game of the season two Sundays ago, and then specifically said to themselves, "Alright, guys. We got that first win under our belts. So we're done playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. Just bullshit from now on."

Re: What he would say to his players, were he the manager of one of the above-mentioned unexpected division leaders:

You know, I'd tell them, just keep on rolling with it.

I mean, I know managers don't really do that much, but, uh... I think you'd probably want to offer your players a little something more than that. How about "I like the way we've been playing, but we can't assume the whole season is going to be this easy. Don't let this go to your heads." Or maybe "God damn it, if you assholes build up expectations too much, it's going to cost me my job when we finish 67-95 anyways. How about we take it easy for a few games." But I guess going with the same thing you'd usually shout at a jam band rocking out on stage is acceptable too.

Re: Detroit's slow start:

Anytime you get off to a slow start, that's going to sting you early.

Consider yourselves stung early, Tigers fans. Yes, it's analysis like this that earned Billy the nickname "Fuck Face". Don't worry, the link is SFW. (Does anyone have one of those? I bet my friend Adam, who loves the Orioles and whose nickname also happens to be Fuck Face, would give you a lot of money for it.)

Oh, and I was about to end the post, when I remembered that later in the afternoon I heard Rob Dibble say something along the lines of:

Join us for "The Show" tomorrow, when we discuss the impact injuries are having on early playoff races.

I'm not saying every game doesn't count. Just ask the 2007 Phillies, Mets, Rockies, or Padres. But really, should we be talking about injuries in that particular context on April 10th? The question is not rhetorical. The answer is: Maybe. Probably not. Definitely not. Rob Dibble, and the producer who wrote that teaser for him, are silly geese.

Anyone Ever Been to Detnews.com?

Okay, the much-hyped Detroit Tigers started out 0-5, so what's the first thing some nerd like me should do when this happens? That's right.

Step 1: Go to Google

Step 2: Search "Detroit News" to find a suitable Detroit news site.

Step 3: Look for completely awful attemps to explain the horrible start.

Step 4: Field day!

And uh....that's how I discovered Lynn Henning.

DETROIT -- A handful of things have conspired to make Opening Week a mini-disaster for the Tigers.

One by one, here are some problems the Tigers are facing in the wake of Friday's 8-5 loss to the White Sox that didn't go over particularly well with Comerica Park's fans:

I feel all giddy inside. This is exactly what I was looking for!

1. The team "doesn't look right"

It's amazing how many shrewd observers have said this the last couple days.

I'm going to stop you right there. "Shrewd observers"? Is that a "shrewd" thing to say? The team "doesn't look right?" Let me scroll up to the tagline of this article real quick. It says.....

Reasoning behind poor start difficult to diagnose

...well at least you hit the nail on the head. Doesn't. Look. Right.

An ongoing belief is that Curtis Granderson's absence is taking a toll. The top of the order is out of whack. The leadoff spot is a team's ignition switch, and no player ignited a game offensively better than Granderson.

Look, I'm aware Clete Thomas isn't good. But he's leading off to the tune of .500/.571/.500 and playing Granderson's position. I don't know what your definition of "ignited" is, but I'll take that line any day over a 5 game sample from a replacement leadoff guy. Also, Brandon Inge has started in center, and he's hiting .375/.474/.688. The two guys that have effectively replaced Granderson have been 2 of the 3 best hitters on the team thus far. You sure Placido ".087/.087/.087" Polanco isn't more of a problem? Or Magglio "3 GIDP" Ordonez?

2. Everything is upside down

So THAT'S it. Players standing on their heads. Hot dogs eating people. Up is left, down is front, right is chocolate pudding. This is what's wrong with the Tigers, people!

This happens when a team is caught in an unexpected free fall. Friday's example of how completely twisted the Tigers have been in going 0-4 came in the first inning with the bases loaded and nobody out. Magglio Ordonez poked the first pitch to second for a rally-killing double play.

See, you could have just gone with "double plays" as a reason rather than the upside-down bullshit. Make a mental note for next time.

When a team is in rhythm -- go back to the karma Granderson creates -- Ordonez gets a single to right or double up the gap. Or, at the very least, a sacrifice fly.

Whaaaaaaa? We have an outright claim that a lack of Grandersonesque karma radiating from 3 spots higher in the batting order simply emasculates Magglio Ordonez's bat! Granderson's name being penciled into the 1 hole would have changed the outcome of that at-bat!

::checks mail:: Oh dear....it appears logic died, and I've been invited to its funeral.

This will change, guaranteed. But having your leadoff man and No. 3 hitter (Gary Sheffield also is sidelined with a finger injury) out of the lineup is an invitation to a screwy scoring chance.

Replacement #3 hitter Carlos Guillen: .375/.524/.688

There was more freakiness in the fifth. With runners at second and third and one out, Jacque Jones ripped a grounder to a pulled-in Juan Uribe at second base. Jones was out and Pudge Rodriguez got doubled off second.

How did Pudge get doubled off second if this was a "grounder"?

Comerica Park officially had morphed into the Twilight Zone. Don't be surprised if it lingers for a few more days or weeks.

Twilight Zone? Ummmm...you have seen a lineout double play before, haven't you? I mean they aren't all that common or anything....but....what's that? Oh that's an upside-down play? My bad.

3. Jason Grilli got lit up

Yay! A real reason! That guy's WHIP is 5.25 right now!

You can reach Lynn Henning at (313) 222-2472 lynn.henning@detnews.com.

A PHONE NUMBER!?!?!?!??!?!?!??! Oh man, I know what I'm doing first thing on Monday morning....