Anyone Ever Been to Detnews.com?

Okay, the much-hyped Detroit Tigers started out 0-5, so what's the first thing some nerd like me should do when this happens? That's right.

Step 1: Go to Google

Step 2: Search "Detroit News" to find a suitable Detroit news site.

Step 3: Look for completely awful attemps to explain the horrible start.

Step 4: Field day!

And uh....that's how I discovered Lynn Henning.

DETROIT -- A handful of things have conspired to make Opening Week a mini-disaster for the Tigers.

One by one, here are some problems the Tigers are facing in the wake of Friday's 8-5 loss to the White Sox that didn't go over particularly well with Comerica Park's fans:

I feel all giddy inside. This is exactly what I was looking for!

1. The team "doesn't look right"

It's amazing how many shrewd observers have said this the last couple days.

I'm going to stop you right there. "Shrewd observers"? Is that a "shrewd" thing to say? The team "doesn't look right?" Let me scroll up to the tagline of this article real quick. It says.....

Reasoning behind poor start difficult to diagnose

...well at least you hit the nail on the head. Doesn't. Look. Right.

An ongoing belief is that Curtis Granderson's absence is taking a toll. The top of the order is out of whack. The leadoff spot is a team's ignition switch, and no player ignited a game offensively better than Granderson.

Look, I'm aware Clete Thomas isn't good. But he's leading off to the tune of .500/.571/.500 and playing Granderson's position. I don't know what your definition of "ignited" is, but I'll take that line any day over a 5 game sample from a replacement leadoff guy. Also, Brandon Inge has started in center, and he's hiting .375/.474/.688. The two guys that have effectively replaced Granderson have been 2 of the 3 best hitters on the team thus far. You sure Placido ".087/.087/.087" Polanco isn't more of a problem? Or Magglio "3 GIDP" Ordonez?

2. Everything is upside down

So THAT'S it. Players standing on their heads. Hot dogs eating people. Up is left, down is front, right is chocolate pudding. This is what's wrong with the Tigers, people!

This happens when a team is caught in an unexpected free fall. Friday's example of how completely twisted the Tigers have been in going 0-4 came in the first inning with the bases loaded and nobody out. Magglio Ordonez poked the first pitch to second for a rally-killing double play.

See, you could have just gone with "double plays" as a reason rather than the upside-down bullshit. Make a mental note for next time.

When a team is in rhythm -- go back to the karma Granderson creates -- Ordonez gets a single to right or double up the gap. Or, at the very least, a sacrifice fly.

Whaaaaaaa? We have an outright claim that a lack of Grandersonesque karma radiating from 3 spots higher in the batting order simply emasculates Magglio Ordonez's bat! Granderson's name being penciled into the 1 hole would have changed the outcome of that at-bat!

::checks mail:: Oh dear....it appears logic died, and I've been invited to its funeral.

This will change, guaranteed. But having your leadoff man and No. 3 hitter (Gary Sheffield also is sidelined with a finger injury) out of the lineup is an invitation to a screwy scoring chance.

Replacement #3 hitter Carlos Guillen: .375/.524/.688

There was more freakiness in the fifth. With runners at second and third and one out, Jacque Jones ripped a grounder to a pulled-in Juan Uribe at second base. Jones was out and Pudge Rodriguez got doubled off second.

How did Pudge get doubled off second if this was a "grounder"?

Comerica Park officially had morphed into the Twilight Zone. Don't be surprised if it lingers for a few more days or weeks.

Twilight Zone? Ummmm...you have seen a lineout double play before, haven't you? I mean they aren't all that common or anything....but....what's that? Oh that's an upside-down play? My bad.

3. Jason Grilli got lit up

Yay! A real reason! That guy's WHIP is 5.25 right now!

You can reach Lynn Henning at (313) 222-2472 lynn.henning@detnews.com.

A PHONE NUMBER!?!?!?!??!?!?!??! Oh man, I know what I'm doing first thing on Monday morning....