Thursday, April 3, 2008

If Bill Simmons Publishes Your Question In A Mailbag Column, You Are A Douche By Association, Pt. 2

Some of the comments left on yesterday's post would seem to indicate that people thought I was done picking apart this garbage. Come on, you should know me better than that by now.

Q: Remember when you wrote in your "Clemens is the Antichrist" column that Roger leaving Boston and winning two Cy Youngs in Toronto was like your girlfriend dumping you for the guy next door, losing 15 pounds, getting a boob job and joining "Baywatch"? Well what's the equivalent now? I think this analogy definitely continues to her being dumped by the neighbor because she's old, wrinkled, and now her breasts just look big and fake. And she was in a car accident. With the Easter Bunny.
-- Pat F., Hecla, Pa.

SG: You're right. The last six months turned Clemens into Kim Kardashian's mother -- he should just marry Bruce Jenner at this point.

Wow. What kind of an idiot is Pat? Sure, Clemens is a disgrace now. And it should be well known that I hate him as much as the next person with a brain. But he didn't just leave Boston, go to Toronto, win those Cys, and then get embarrassed by a steroid scandal. You're omitting seven and a half years of excellent production, two more Cys, and two rings from your smug celebration. It's not like, "Ho ho, we Red Sox fans sure got the last laugh on this one! Sure, letting Clemens go looked like a bad decision in 1997 and 1998, but how does he like not being part of Sawks Nation now?"

Also, the concept of "[Team] Nation," particularly "Red Sox Nation" due to its entrance into the media's vernacular, is among the most obnoxious things in the world of sports today. It can't disappear fast enough. I'd rather get rid of it than Jay Mariotti. Maybe.

Q: Has there ever been a more patently false instance of using a fallen teammate as motivation than Kenny yelling "LET'S DO THIS FOR BIG EASY" after the dude was taken away by paramedics during the Gauntlet finale? That'd be like Lithgow shooting his chick in "Cliffhanger," then turning to the remaining guys and yelling "LET'S GO FIND THAT MONEY! DO IT FOR HER. WE'VE COME SO FAR AS A TEAM AND CAN'T LET HER DIE IN VAIN!!" Also, I'm fairly sure Ev would let me die brutally if it meant she'd get 10 cents off a gallon on her next fill-up. She is a vicious, vicious creature.
-- Kael, Canton, Conn.

SG: You know what's amazing about that show? When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it? It's a franchise show for MTV and they're only shelling out $300,000 in prize money plus another $100,000 total in guarantees for 20 people who agree to spend up to a month on the show?

If these losers are so driven by money that they'd be perfectly willing to let Big Easy drop dead of heat stroke during a challenge and then drag his dead carcass for the final two events, why wouldn't they band together, go on strike and demand $100K per competitor for the show plus $1 million in prize money or they're not going on ... and if anyone crosses the picket line, they have to deal with the wrath of CT. Wouldn't that work? Wouldn't MTV have to pay them considering the show generates a ridiculous amount of cash?

As an avid watcher of this show (no sarcasm... judge not, lest ye be judged), I'm going to have to field this question. Bill, how many pounds of paint chips did you eat as a child? Do you actually watch the show? Look at how much fucking fun the contestants have. All they do is spend a couple hours on some kind of fun athletic event, then drink and hook up for the rest of the day/evening. Do you know many horny/alcoholic 19 to 27 year olds would spend a month doing that for free? Fuck your picket line.

Or is the network banking on the fact that these attention hogs love the spotlight so much and they're so dumb that they'd never think of banding together and fighting for more money? Wait, don't answer that.

And fuck your spotlight. Free vacation to an exotic locale. All-inclusive. A bunch of dummies just like you to drink with and bang at your convenience. That's pretty much all you need.

Q: Having you -- a 30-something, white, father-of-two from Boston -- pick the members of Mount Rapmore is like having a 30-something black guy from D.C. pick an NHL All-Star Team. Hey, wait, that's me! I'll go with Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, and ... wait ... how many people play in a hockey meet?
-- Damon, Washington

Like stereotypes much, Damon? Douuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuche. (Imagine that set to the two-toned sound a foghorn makes. Funny or unfunny, that's the effect I'm going for here.) I know everyone's seen this before, but I think it's definitive proof that there are black hockey fans.

Q: I just got back from San Diego and I was with both of my brothers at the Oceanside Harbor eating lunch. My oldest brother comes back to the table and tells us we each owe him $50. He saw Junior Seau at the bar and paid the cocktail waitress to give him 18 beers and one empty shot glass. We paid him. -- Casey, Bend, Ore.

I'm having a hard time coming up with the reason Casey's a douche. I guess the most likely explanation is that his brother is a tall tale-telling sack of shit.

Q: Carlos Gomez is batting .667 and on pace for 324 stolen bases. Who got the better end of the Santana trade now!?!?

-- Ben T., Minneapolis

SG: That's right, things are looking up in Minnesota! By the way, my editor Mike Philbrick wants to pass along congratulations to Major League Baseball for giving us three different "Opening Days," then failing to have any afternoon games on the first Tuesday of the season. Way to know your audience, fellas. You continue to make us proud to be fans.

There are never Tuesday afternoon games at any point during the season. Ever. People are at work. That means they can't be at the game, and probably can't be watching it. That means teams don't make money. The only reason afternoon games happen on Wednesdays and Thursdays are, of course, so teams can get away early while on road trips. Way to continue to sound like a great baseball fan with a comprehensive understanding of how the sport works.

Q: Do you realize Troy Aikman's interactions with Joe Buck are EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger's interactions with director Paul Verhoeven for the commentary for "Total Recall?" It's uncanny, right down to the incessant usage of the word "exactly." The reason this is really funny is because of a drinking game my friends and I played once -- we turned on the commentary for "Total Recall," and drank every time Arnold agrees with the director. I kid you not, people were falling out of their chairs within 15 minutes.
- -Ryan Flippo, Tulsa, Okla.

Wow, brah, you guys must drink pretty hard. Douuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuche.

Q: The all-time interception leader who carouses, turns his back on friends, calls out grossly underpaid teammates for holding out and then holds his organization hostage himself is hanging it up to spend more time with the family? LOL. I'd mention the pill-popping, but then I'd be the hypocrite. I mean, who doesn't like a few extra Vicodin? But seriously, who else could do what Farve has done, negatively speaking, both on and off the field, and get away with it? I mean, its like the media took an oath of unconditional praise with this guy. I will never understand this completely. In a way, I admire him for it; for getting away with it. It's remarkable. I mean, how the hell did he pull it off? Really, I have to tip my hat to the man. See, and you thought this was an anti-Farve e-mail.
-- Jon Z., Los Angeles

SG: My God, there's rioting in the streets of Wisconsin right now! You know what's funny? Favre reached such a saintly status over the years I actually let out an audible gasp when I read that e-mail -- it's like Jon Z. was attacking Santa Claus or Dakota Fanning or something.

Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game."

I'll let BenGoodFella handle this one. From yesterday's comments-

"If it did not happen to him or he did not witness it, then it was not the greatest thing that ever happened. A good example is when he speaks of Tyler Hansbrough becoming the "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." If he had watched one game Tyler played in before the NCAA Tournament, he would already know this. Because he saw a UNC game, then he can say Tyler Hansbrough earns this title. I greatly dislike Simmons."

Great. I like what you've done here. Not angry or colorful enough with the conclusion, but basically you've got it under control.

For anyone who doesn't think there's a racial component to this, you're crazy. Just look at David West of the Hornets -- like Hansborough, he's a self-made player and a staunch competitor who plays with an inordinate amount of passion, an undersized forward who routinely scores on bigger bodies, someone who extracted every ounce of his potential and made the most of it. Well, have you ever read a David West feature? Have you ever heard announcers raving about him to the point that you wondered if they were related to him? No and no. I just think it's a little, um, peculiar.

Bill- on the cutting edge of analysis. Has anyone out there ever heard this kind of rampant speculation before? That white athletes who try hard tend to get gladhanded by the media? HUH-WUHHHHHH? From out of left field. What a crazy theory.

Q: Just read your NBA "What If?" column. Is there any doubt the greatest pop culture "What-If?" of the decade is "What if Britney Spears didn't cheat on Justin Timberlake?" If she doesn't cheat on him, they don't break up. Justin doesn't start hanging out with Janet Jackson. They don't do their halftime show and the FCC wouldn't be upset about a nipple being exposed on television. Britney is indirectly responsible for all of the FCC regulations and crackdowns that went into effect. And if she and Timberlake are still together, she might still be a superstar instead of a chain-smoking two-time divorcee with two kids who's absolutely insane and looks like she's 45.
-- Eric D., Abington, Mass.

Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

SG: OK, I'm with you, but you left out a few things. First, if they didn't break up, Timberlake wouldn't have written "Cry Me a River," which was really the white man's "Hit 'Em Up."

I'm at a loss for words as to how ridiculously bad that comparison is. Yes... a song threatening extreme violence towards your business rival is exactly like a song telling your ex that you're glad your relationship is over. Yeah, they're both "revenge" songs. No, they are not black and white versions of the same concept.

Second, he became a more successful musician in her post-breakup and started dating Cameron Diaz; meanwhile, her career went in the tank and she ended up with K-Fed. Third, if they didn't break up, we wouldn't even know who K-Fed is -- and if you think this isn't important, remember that I casually dropped him into the first mailbag question of this column and you didn't think twice about it.

What?

Fourth, she shattered the record for "shortest amount of time that elapsed between somebody being considered a major sex symbol and eventually grossing out the American public on an ongoing basis." And fifth, she showed her crotch on the Internet so many times that red-blooded males became immune to it like we were gynecologists.

As bad as his mailbags usually are, this might be the worst I've ever seen one of Bill's answers go down in flames. It gives me douche-chills. I'm cringing.

Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semiresurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?
-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh

SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.

Or until the Bruins win a Stanley Cup, at which point Bill will magically remind everyone that he's been by their side through thick and thin, and Massholes will fill the streets of Boston chanting "Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!" for some reason.

Q: I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend, which I initially considered something of a tragedy. Not to be biased, but it was all his fault. But anyway, in the weeks after things fell apart, my boobs spontaneously grew a cup size and I got free tickets to see his favorite sports team of all time. I had extras, but didn't call him. In a battle of karma, I'd declare myself the winner. The question is: Where would you rank this on the Vengeance Scale? And do you think I should come with some sort of warning to future boyfriends?
-- Bridget, Boston

Bridget doesn't list her age, but let's assume she's a full-grown adult. So her boobs spontaneously grew a cup size after a breakup she admits was initially emotionally painful. Huh. Hmmmm. What activity, commonly associated with getting over a breakup, might have caused this busty explosion? And given that, what do you think happened to her jowl size over that same time period? Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

There's still some good material to cover, but I'm clocking out for the night again. Tune in this weekend for the exciting conclusion of "Bill Simmons and His Idiot Readers." Isn't this episodal format cool? Feels like an olde timey radio show or something.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude, def a great post.

Firstly, Simmons has mentioned Timberlake's "Cry me a River" numerous times before (and has related it to Hit 'Em Up also, which is just fucking dumb). Its really kind of creepy. He has some kind of weird thing for Timberlake.

And, secondly, Casey's a douche solely for the fact that he made that shit story up about Junior Seau.

And the last comment by Bridget. It's probably like 2 to 1 that the email was written by some hardcore fanboy who just wanted the precious shot at a Sports Guy mailbag publication . What woman really writes that stupid shit to some dumb fuck sports writer? Should she warn future boyfriends that her tits will balloon after a break up? Yeah, tell that future scumbag to double up on the condoms.

Anonymous said...

Excellent job. The day you go easy on Simmons is the day I stop reading your site. Along the same lines of the Hansbrough thing, how is Simmons shocked that someone criticized Favre? He's deified, but the reactionary sentiment from that letter is pretty common. On a side note to all the baseball fans complaining that Simmons butchers his baseball analysis, that's pretty much what basketball fans think too. His reputation for "knowing his basketball" is only deserved when you compare it to his knowledge of other sports. Like soccer.

larry b said...

Anon- Yeah, I think I've fallen for the idea that he knows something about basketball simply because he knows a reasonable amount about the salary cap. I feel like a sucker. I fell for it initially, but now I'm beginning to question it.

Thanks CS. I don't know if I'd call it a "shit story", at least not in the context that it's unentertaining. If someone actually did that, it would be kind of funny. But nobody in their right mind would.

Bengoodfella said...

Thanks Larry B for the positive feedback on my comment about Tyler Hansbrough. I do realize it was not colorful or angry enough and I working on it though, promise.

I think the reason it was not colorful enough is that it was recently brought to my attention that I mention Hansbrough in literally everything I write, so I don't want to seem irrationally angered or pre-occupied with him.

Enough about me. It just drives me insane that Simmons still gets to write columns. I picture these fucking low lifes who write into his columns as having the Kevin Federline beard, a Red Sox cap on, they try to do as many "crazy white guy things" like talk about Vegas trips or what their friend Bobby D said to that girl at the bar, and talk about sports all the time, but only as it relates to pop culture. Basically other little Simmmons' running around the world spreading their AIDS like disease of knowledgeless opinion about sports and comparing their stupid fucking college stories to sporting events. I can't believe there are losers who write stories to a 37 year old man for confirmation they are cool and I can't believe Simmons answers like he is still a teenager. It is like some pathetic co-dependent idiotic sports spewing volcano of bullshit.

Tonus said...

Well, now that Eckstein is in the AL, I expect a Simmons hatchet job on him any day now.

Also, I will turn to larry b for updates on MTV's Real World, or whichever show it is that he defensively admitted to watching. Did they vote off the obnoxious white guy yet? Come on, there's always an obnoxious white guy, and he always gets voted off!

PS- someone tell Ben T. from Minneapolis that the Twins are now on pace to lose 120 games! Don't you love early season projections?

B. Rob said...

Thank you for pointing out the absolute insanity of him comparing "Cry Me a River" to "Hit 'em Up."

What sweet irony that he did so in an article in which he'd already admitted that he had no business picking "Mount Rapmore."

CitizenX said...

I love - love - the fact that Bill assumes the readers didn't think twice about his K-Fed comparison. It's nice to see him being so boldly arrogant.

Bengoodfella said...

He is beyond arrogant. He thinks Boston fans blame the loss on him and thinks he actually speaks for the reader.

I love one thing though. Simmons wrote, "more than a few Boston fans blamed me..." instead of "more than a few Patriots fans blamed me..." Instead of being a fan of one team, the Boston fans get a bundle of teams, just like a cable television package! I know we could assume they are fans of the Red Sox and the Celtics also, or he is just naming the city the Patriots play in, even though they don't really. Let's be honest, though, he knows most of the fans are bandwagoneers and are just going to like all Boston teams since they are all pretty good right now. I personally enjoyed that because he just named the whole fucking city since all three major teams have become a package deal now.

Here is what I have to say.
Fuck Simmons, Fuck J-Bug, Fuck ESPN as a network and the online writers too and if you wanna be down with the bullshit they write, fuck you too.

Sounds a lot like "Cry Me A River" right Simmons?

The Bard said...

You guys hate Simmons so much, it's unbelievable. I mean, I can see how you might get annoyed with his style and his constant pro-Boston talk, but wow... this is true, unabashed rage. I have to agree with LarryB though, the amount of douche in this mailbag was out of control.

We can get into Simmons arguments all day (which LB and I have on countless occasions), but one point always sticks out -- his job is to write like the average fan, and he does that better than anyone else on the web. You can bitch and moan about how he should pay more attention to this or be more accurate about that, and if nobody read his articles, maybe he'd have to. But he got this popular by doing what he does, so why change his style. And it's not like he's the only one who talks about kids/wife/buddies, Easterbrook and Dr. Z are two sportswriters who do it in every column. Maybe he shouldn't put so many dumb pop culture references in his articles, maybe you should just stop reading them if it gets you this mad.

I still think this is a case of blogger jealousy. He's essentially a blogger, but gets paid for it. He has the job all of you want, but can't get, because you're less talented. And that eats you up inside. The guy you hate is better than you at what you love. Sad really.

Insert Simmons cock in my mouth joke here, douches.

Bengoodfella said...

I love changing lyrics to songs. But honestly, even with the lyrics change, does that sound like a Justin Timberlake song? So why compare them? He should lose the ability to even think about a Mount Rapmore until he gets any comparison between Justin Timberlake and Tupac out of his head.

Archie Micklewhite said...

Also that K Fed has "made it" because Simmons references him. Simmons just very clearly implied he sees his own columns as the truest pop culture barometer.

And with the whole Real World/Road Rules thing, I think Bill reaches a whole new level of idiocy. The entire idea of reality TV stars going on strike is patently ridiculous because it'd be absolutely impossible to generate any solidarity. I mean, the second a bunch of reality stars go on strike, what's MTV to do? Fire their asses and hire a bunch of equally vapid twenty-somethings who will do exactly the same thing. They are the most expendable people imaginable because they have zero marketable skills. Hell, the entire point is that they have zero marketable skills. I believe the show is made up of people from those two other shows, which just maybe makes them a slightly special case, but still...that's just a whole new kind of dumb.

Bengoodfella said...

I agree archie and I did not think of it that way. It is pretty easy to replace drunken twenty year olds who are willing to play a competitive game for money.

Chris, I don't think we have unabashed rage really, we are just mocking his articles. If he were just some nobody I would have no problem with his inaccuracies, but the fact is that he is very wide read at ESPN and he passes off his opinions as facts when he is often inaccurate. The problem is that the formula that has made him successful is also running pretty thin at this point, which I think is causing this backlash against him.

I think he has never been anything close to a blogger, the only similarity in that he provides no hard hitting analysis and tends to give his opinions. I would never want his job and am perfectly happy with my life, so no blogger jealousy here. I don't have to try and answer questions about "Man of the Year" contests or attempt to pretend I am over a decade younger than I am to cater to an audience.

I think the unabashed rage you are thinking of is frustration with a talented writer using the same formula over and over.

Anonymous said...

I'd probably be a bit more okay with Bill Simmons if ESPN allowed comments on his columns. I think that it's just shitty that they don't, and I don't care about what has happened in the past. Scoop Jackson and Jemele Hill both get absolutely scorched in their comments section, and there are sometimes a 1000 comments all racially fueled and full of bitter hatred.

With no comments section, it's like ESPN is artificially creating an image of Bill Simmons (the guy everyone loves cause he's like us) and they won't allow the readers to destroy that. And then the only official criticism you get of his columns is filtered through him and his PA in his mailbag columns.

Anonymous said...

actually Chris, I challenge you at this point that he writes like the average fan better than anyone else. Will Leitch at Deadspin, Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kobler, and all the guys at Fire Joe Morgan are superior in content, originality, and humor at this point. And if I was going to be jealous of anyone, it would be the guys at Fire Joe Morgan who are financially set and can write on their own terms.

CitizenX said...

Meh, I could go either way on Simmons. When I first started reading him, I really enjoyed it. Then I started realizing that everything he writes is saturated with bullshit, ahem, B.S., and it wears kind of thin.

I wouldn't want to write like him. But I think any blogger who deliberately writes for strangers is lying if they said they wouldn't want his traffic.

He's eminately readable, though. And fun to disagree with, I suppose.

I wouldn't fire him.

CitizenX said...

I think I would challenge the assertion that the FJM guys write like the average fan as well as Bill Simmons. They're pervasively hyperliterate, and while it works for them, it doesn't smack of everyman.

Then again, how can you not be jealous of KT? He's related to Dwight Schrute and Regis Philbin.

Your move, pnoles.

Jeff said...

Chris that comment is just silly. If you or I mock someone it's not out of jealousy or because you or I want to be them. If you make fun of Tom Cruise, the reason is not because you want be him - it's because he's saying crazy shit that's worth mocking. I give Simmons all the credit he deserves for building up his career. I've been reading him since the Bostonsportsguy days, and I still do. He's just not immune to saying things that are fun to scrutinize.

The notion that all bloggers are wanna-be writers is tired and, at least in my case, couldn't be further from the truth. Of course, you need to post content to be a blogger, so i'm not really that either.

Anonymous said...

here's the issue i have with bill simmons - he's arguably the most widely-read sportswriter on the planet. so considering the immense amount of WRONG that permeates his columns, his wide appeal both disturbs me, and makes me worry that he is actually hurting the games.

let's not pretend that media coverage cannot have an effect on the sport itself (everything from media clippings on the 'bulletin board' to propping up individual teams/conferences in the rankings, particularly influential in college athletics). as such, when i see simmons getting interested in college basketball, i can do little more than cringe. but i do honestly believe that his writing can have a negative overall impact, and as such, deserves to be AT LEAST mercilessly shredded (and if i had the opportunity to fire the guy, i sure as hell would).

Unknown said...

Strangely enough, I don't hate Simmons. I even like some of his, for lack of a better term, "blogger" type columns. It's when he tries to become some kind of analyst, or crosses the line from Boston fan to moronic Boston homer, that he drives me nuts. If he just kept his articles as observation pieces, or from a fan perspective, I'd be fine. I don't particularly mind him bringing in the family and friends, but it's when he tries to use them as part of a reasoning/legitimizing process to support his own whacked out ideas and theories that he becomes strangulatable. He's become far to impressed with himself, and I think has begun to believe his own hype, even if he's the only one hyping.

I think he transformed into the Douche after the Colts beat the Pats on the way to the Super Bowl. If there was ever a less gracious, more homerific, pricktacular, excuse filled column, from a "journalist" who's own team has benefitted from more then a few dodgey calls in their day...I've yet to see it. He might as well have titled the piece "I'm a Spoiled Asshat". I know I've never given him the benefit of the doubt since.

Anonymous said...

He's got a new nba mailbag out. Can we have 5 or 6 straight Simmons posts?

larry b said...

Thanks all for the comments. And yes, anonymous, I'll probably end up taking a stab at the NBA mailbag as well. Besides that, all I have time to say right now is that Chris Hart's "you're just jealous" argument is a slightly less lame version of the "bloggers live in their parents' basements" joke. It would be hard to make a point with less truth or substance.

Facial.

Anonymous said...

I actually think Simmons's mail bags are some of his better works. Granted, the actual letter writers strike me as douches, but Simmons usually delivers an okay performance on them.
Where Simmons is at his worst is his "analysis" pieces. Like the one on Chris Webber last week. That was totally nonsensical. His basic premise is that Webber is the only player who had no excuse for a career that didn't reach it's full potential. He then proceeds to describe some of Webber's career changing freak injuries (isn't that a legitimate excuse?) and compares Webber to a group of players who's excuses include rampant drug use and point shaving. Huh? I'll take a mail bag over that crap any day.