If Bill Simmons Publishes Your Question In A Mailbag Column, You Are A Douche By Association, Pt. 2

Some of the comments left on yesterday's post would seem to indicate that people thought I was done picking apart this garbage. Come on, you should know me better than that by now.

Q: Remember when you wrote in your "Clemens is the Antichrist" column that Roger leaving Boston and winning two Cy Youngs in Toronto was like your girlfriend dumping you for the guy next door, losing 15 pounds, getting a boob job and joining "Baywatch"? Well what's the equivalent now? I think this analogy definitely continues to her being dumped by the neighbor because she's old, wrinkled, and now her breasts just look big and fake. And she was in a car accident. With the Easter Bunny.
-- Pat F., Hecla, Pa.

SG: You're right. The last six months turned Clemens into Kim Kardashian's mother -- he should just marry Bruce Jenner at this point.

Wow. What kind of an idiot is Pat? Sure, Clemens is a disgrace now. And it should be well known that I hate him as much as the next person with a brain. But he didn't just leave Boston, go to Toronto, win those Cys, and then get embarrassed by a steroid scandal. You're omitting seven and a half years of excellent production, two more Cys, and two rings from your smug celebration. It's not like, "Ho ho, we Red Sox fans sure got the last laugh on this one! Sure, letting Clemens go looked like a bad decision in 1997 and 1998, but how does he like not being part of Sawks Nation now?"

Also, the concept of "[Team] Nation," particularly "Red Sox Nation" due to its entrance into the media's vernacular, is among the most obnoxious things in the world of sports today. It can't disappear fast enough. I'd rather get rid of it than Jay Mariotti. Maybe.

Q: Has there ever been a more patently false instance of using a fallen teammate as motivation than Kenny yelling "LET'S DO THIS FOR BIG EASY" after the dude was taken away by paramedics during the Gauntlet finale? That'd be like Lithgow shooting his chick in "Cliffhanger," then turning to the remaining guys and yelling "LET'S GO FIND THAT MONEY! DO IT FOR HER. WE'VE COME SO FAR AS A TEAM AND CAN'T LET HER DIE IN VAIN!!" Also, I'm fairly sure Ev would let me die brutally if it meant she'd get 10 cents off a gallon on her next fill-up. She is a vicious, vicious creature.
-- Kael, Canton, Conn.

SG: You know what's amazing about that show? When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it? It's a franchise show for MTV and they're only shelling out $300,000 in prize money plus another $100,000 total in guarantees for 20 people who agree to spend up to a month on the show?

If these losers are so driven by money that they'd be perfectly willing to let Big Easy drop dead of heat stroke during a challenge and then drag his dead carcass for the final two events, why wouldn't they band together, go on strike and demand $100K per competitor for the show plus $1 million in prize money or they're not going on ... and if anyone crosses the picket line, they have to deal with the wrath of CT. Wouldn't that work? Wouldn't MTV have to pay them considering the show generates a ridiculous amount of cash?

As an avid watcher of this show (no sarcasm... judge not, lest ye be judged), I'm going to have to field this question. Bill, how many pounds of paint chips did you eat as a child? Do you actually watch the show? Look at how much fucking fun the contestants have. All they do is spend a couple hours on some kind of fun athletic event, then drink and hook up for the rest of the day/evening. Do you know many horny/alcoholic 19 to 27 year olds would spend a month doing that for free? Fuck your picket line.

Or is the network banking on the fact that these attention hogs love the spotlight so much and they're so dumb that they'd never think of banding together and fighting for more money? Wait, don't answer that.

And fuck your spotlight. Free vacation to an exotic locale. All-inclusive. A bunch of dummies just like you to drink with and bang at your convenience. That's pretty much all you need.

Q: Having you -- a 30-something, white, father-of-two from Boston -- pick the members of Mount Rapmore is like having a 30-something black guy from D.C. pick an NHL All-Star Team. Hey, wait, that's me! I'll go with Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, and ... wait ... how many people play in a hockey meet?
-- Damon, Washington

Like stereotypes much, Damon? Douuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuche. (Imagine that set to the two-toned sound a foghorn makes. Funny or unfunny, that's the effect I'm going for here.) I know everyone's seen this before, but I think it's definitive proof that there are black hockey fans.

Q: I just got back from San Diego and I was with both of my brothers at the Oceanside Harbor eating lunch. My oldest brother comes back to the table and tells us we each owe him $50. He saw Junior Seau at the bar and paid the cocktail waitress to give him 18 beers and one empty shot glass. We paid him. -- Casey, Bend, Ore.

I'm having a hard time coming up with the reason Casey's a douche. I guess the most likely explanation is that his brother is a tall tale-telling sack of shit.

Q: Carlos Gomez is batting .667 and on pace for 324 stolen bases. Who got the better end of the Santana trade now!?!?

-- Ben T., Minneapolis

SG: That's right, things are looking up in Minnesota! By the way, my editor Mike Philbrick wants to pass along congratulations to Major League Baseball for giving us three different "Opening Days," then failing to have any afternoon games on the first Tuesday of the season. Way to know your audience, fellas. You continue to make us proud to be fans.

There are never Tuesday afternoon games at any point during the season. Ever. People are at work. That means they can't be at the game, and probably can't be watching it. That means teams don't make money. The only reason afternoon games happen on Wednesdays and Thursdays are, of course, so teams can get away early while on road trips. Way to continue to sound like a great baseball fan with a comprehensive understanding of how the sport works.

Q: Do you realize Troy Aikman's interactions with Joe Buck are EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger's interactions with director Paul Verhoeven for the commentary for "Total Recall?" It's uncanny, right down to the incessant usage of the word "exactly." The reason this is really funny is because of a drinking game my friends and I played once -- we turned on the commentary for "Total Recall," and drank every time Arnold agrees with the director. I kid you not, people were falling out of their chairs within 15 minutes.
- -Ryan Flippo, Tulsa, Okla.

Wow, brah, you guys must drink pretty hard. Douuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuche.

Q: The all-time interception leader who carouses, turns his back on friends, calls out grossly underpaid teammates for holding out and then holds his organization hostage himself is hanging it up to spend more time with the family? LOL. I'd mention the pill-popping, but then I'd be the hypocrite. I mean, who doesn't like a few extra Vicodin? But seriously, who else could do what Farve has done, negatively speaking, both on and off the field, and get away with it? I mean, its like the media took an oath of unconditional praise with this guy. I will never understand this completely. In a way, I admire him for it; for getting away with it. It's remarkable. I mean, how the hell did he pull it off? Really, I have to tip my hat to the man. See, and you thought this was an anti-Farve e-mail.
-- Jon Z., Los Angeles

SG: My God, there's rioting in the streets of Wisconsin right now! You know what's funny? Favre reached such a saintly status over the years I actually let out an audible gasp when I read that e-mail -- it's like Jon Z. was attacking Santa Claus or Dakota Fanning or something.

Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game."

I'll let BenGoodFella handle this one. From yesterday's comments-

"If it did not happen to him or he did not witness it, then it was not the greatest thing that ever happened. A good example is when he speaks of Tyler Hansbrough becoming the "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." If he had watched one game Tyler played in before the NCAA Tournament, he would already know this. Because he saw a UNC game, then he can say Tyler Hansbrough earns this title. I greatly dislike Simmons."

Great. I like what you've done here. Not angry or colorful enough with the conclusion, but basically you've got it under control.

For anyone who doesn't think there's a racial component to this, you're crazy. Just look at David West of the Hornets -- like Hansborough, he's a self-made player and a staunch competitor who plays with an inordinate amount of passion, an undersized forward who routinely scores on bigger bodies, someone who extracted every ounce of his potential and made the most of it. Well, have you ever read a David West feature? Have you ever heard announcers raving about him to the point that you wondered if they were related to him? No and no. I just think it's a little, um, peculiar.

Bill- on the cutting edge of analysis. Has anyone out there ever heard this kind of rampant speculation before? That white athletes who try hard tend to get gladhanded by the media? HUH-WUHHHHHH? From out of left field. What a crazy theory.

Q: Just read your NBA "What If?" column. Is there any doubt the greatest pop culture "What-If?" of the decade is "What if Britney Spears didn't cheat on Justin Timberlake?" If she doesn't cheat on him, they don't break up. Justin doesn't start hanging out with Janet Jackson. They don't do their halftime show and the FCC wouldn't be upset about a nipple being exposed on television. Britney is indirectly responsible for all of the FCC regulations and crackdowns that went into effect. And if she and Timberlake are still together, she might still be a superstar instead of a chain-smoking two-time divorcee with two kids who's absolutely insane and looks like she's 45.
-- Eric D., Abington, Mass.

Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

SG: OK, I'm with you, but you left out a few things. First, if they didn't break up, Timberlake wouldn't have written "Cry Me a River," which was really the white man's "Hit 'Em Up."

I'm at a loss for words as to how ridiculously bad that comparison is. Yes... a song threatening extreme violence towards your business rival is exactly like a song telling your ex that you're glad your relationship is over. Yeah, they're both "revenge" songs. No, they are not black and white versions of the same concept.

Second, he became a more successful musician in her post-breakup and started dating Cameron Diaz; meanwhile, her career went in the tank and she ended up with K-Fed. Third, if they didn't break up, we wouldn't even know who K-Fed is -- and if you think this isn't important, remember that I casually dropped him into the first mailbag question of this column and you didn't think twice about it.

What?

Fourth, she shattered the record for "shortest amount of time that elapsed between somebody being considered a major sex symbol and eventually grossing out the American public on an ongoing basis." And fifth, she showed her crotch on the Internet so many times that red-blooded males became immune to it like we were gynecologists.

As bad as his mailbags usually are, this might be the worst I've ever seen one of Bill's answers go down in flames. It gives me douche-chills. I'm cringing.

Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semiresurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?
-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh

SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.

Or until the Bruins win a Stanley Cup, at which point Bill will magically remind everyone that he's been by their side through thick and thin, and Massholes will fill the streets of Boston chanting "Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!" for some reason.

Q: I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend, which I initially considered something of a tragedy. Not to be biased, but it was all his fault. But anyway, in the weeks after things fell apart, my boobs spontaneously grew a cup size and I got free tickets to see his favorite sports team of all time. I had extras, but didn't call him. In a battle of karma, I'd declare myself the winner. The question is: Where would you rank this on the Vengeance Scale? And do you think I should come with some sort of warning to future boyfriends?
-- Bridget, Boston

Bridget doesn't list her age, but let's assume she's a full-grown adult. So her boobs spontaneously grew a cup size after a breakup she admits was initially emotionally painful. Huh. Hmmmm. What activity, commonly associated with getting over a breakup, might have caused this busty explosion? And given that, what do you think happened to her jowl size over that same time period? Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

There's still some good material to cover, but I'm clocking out for the night again. Tune in this weekend for the exciting conclusion of "Bill Simmons and His Idiot Readers." Isn't this episodal format cool? Feels like an olde timey radio show or something.