Monday, April 7, 2008

We Have Open Declarations of Ignorance

Mike Celizic literally just admitted that he knows just as little about baseball as everyone suspects he does.

Tigers winless? Red Sox in last? Time to panic!
It's only been a week, but it's never too early to ratchet up the anxiety


It's exactly too early to ratchet up the anxiety. Yesterday it was too too early, and tomorrow, it will be not quite too early.

We are all doomed. Doomed, I say. Doomed.

The world is turned upside down. The Red Sox and Phillies are in last place.


I've already read the article. It's about Celizic complaining that teams with winning traditions are doing poorly and teams with losing traditions are doing well. And the Phillies are certainly not the former.

The Brewers and Royals are in first place.

The Brewers are good.....

Yeah, sure, there are still more than 150 games to play, but since when has that ever stopped a sportswriter from pushing the panic button? That’s our job

Damn. Well, I've got nothing more to say on Celizic. I've been making fun of him for a long time for being no good at analyzing anything or knowing anything about anything but the Yankees. But it's my fault, everyone. That's not his job.

Oh come on, of course I'm going to keep bashing him.

I’m for Detroit. Remember, these are the Tigers that went into the season surfing on a wave of expectation kicked up by experts from sea to shining sea who said the AL Central was Detroit’s before a single ball was thrown in anger. Best lineup in baseball. That’s what they said.

Pure exaggeration. The majority of "experts" that I personally saw and heard chose the Indians.

Dontrelle Willis leading the pitching staff.

No expert thought he was any better than the third best pitcher on the staff. I guarantee you of that. Just because you've heard of him doesn't make him the best pitcher (remember his Josh Fogg obsession last October?).

Tied for first place with the White Sox are the Royals. If the Royals aren’t going to settle down in last place where they belong, what’s the world coming to?

Celizic literally wants the standings to be the same every year. And the same players continue to play the same positions until they're 70 and Celizic is retired or whatever.

What follows is the most blatant display of ignorance I've ever seen. The following is the equivalent of "I don't deserve my job, and I don't care to get better at it either." In fact, I might only be writing this because of what's next.

Do they have any idea how much extra work they’re creating for all of us who go into a baseball season confident that we can get along just fine without knowing anything about the Royals? Who in the name of pine tar is Ross Gload? Billy Butler? Esteban German? Alberto Callaspo? Jimmy Gobble? Guess I’m going to have to find out.

This is flat out inexcusable. And you'd better get to know who Billy Butler is. Fast.

10 comments:

Tonus said...

The Tigers' 0-6 start has led to some more-retarded-than-usual stuff from many sports writers and reporters. It could be a busy season for you guys.

Anonymous said...

Celizic is one step away from Rooney's "they're all Rodriquez to me"

The Bard said...

You think that last line might have been a joke? Albeit a joke that is really hiding his frustration about having to learn about the Royals? We have to assume that was a joke, or that's the laziest damn thing of all time.

Anonymous said...

Not only is the last line a joke, but I think the entire column is tongue in cheek and actually poking fun at the 24/7 sportswriting world.

And besides, he wrote this article because the Yankees, his usual Sprng and Summer focus of choice, are 4-3. If they were 0-7, we'd get the slamming A-Rod/Griradi article. If 7-0, the Jeter is awesome and this team looks awfully like that 1998 team article.

CitizenX said...

I could be wrong, but didn't the vaunted '98 Yankees start something like 1-4 or 1-5? I could have looked it up BEFORE leaving this comment, but we both know that's not how I roll.

CitizenX said...

*1-4, before winning 8 in a row and 15 of 16.

Bengoodfella said...

I did not know it was a sportswriter's job to write articles in a panic. I always thought it was to report sports. Oh well...

The whole article may have been tongue in cheek but Celizic has no business writing a column that is ironic or a satire of anything. Irony and satire are only funny when the reader knows the writer is not being serious. Celizic is such a horrible writer, we have no idea if he is being serious or not.

I am seriously glad he did not write about the Yankees or how they need to trade A Rod while his value is still high.

Derpsauce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Derpsauce said...

He was joking about it being a bitch to learn about them, but the fact of the matter is, here's a "respected" writer flat out admitting he has no clue who these established major league players are (okay, Butler isn't "established", but he's played one season and is going to be one of the best DHs in the league in a couple years).

Anonymous said...

Ben, in the actual article, he goes on and on about the apocalypse for the first few paragraphs, joking about baseball standings being in Revelations and signifying doom and on and on. He may not be funny, but it was obviously an attempt at humor.

But, with that being said, I do think there is some truth in his feigning outrage over learning the players on poor teams.