Jon Heyman shows us the funny

What... what happened here? Reading this made me feel like I stumbled upon a grisly crime scene. Why did he write this? Who edited it? Who approved it for publication? We've seen a lot of terrible attempts at humor but I think this might be the first time I've seen Heyman try his luck at an entire column that is all jokes. Holy God, what a blimp crash.

The Angels didn't attribute the firing of hitting coach Mickey Hatcher after 12-plus years of service to the wishes of their new well-paid singles hitter Albert Pujols. But if these type of changes keep happening, well, we we all suspect that you know who is the one who's really in charge.

Cue up Yakety Sax and whoopie cushion sounds.

Nine Signs Light-Hitting Infielder Albert Pujols is Running the Angels
1. The traditional long-running team insignia, the halo, is replaced by an arch.

GET IT??????

Instead of a halo being alighted on days the Angels win, the arch will glow whenever Pujols gets a ball out of the infield.

Joke #1 about how Albert misses St. Louis, which, besides just being dumb and hacky, also makes little sense given the fact that Pujols seemed perfectly happy to leave the Cardinals. If reports came out that he agonized over the decision, ultimately went with LAA because of family reasons or something, and then was on record as saying it was devastating for him to walk out on the Cardinals, this would merely be a bad attempt at humor based on the assumption that people think replacing the Angels' giant halo with something else would be hilarious. Instead it is both that and not founded in reality, making it even more obtuse. If we start Off to a great start.

2. CIA agents are hired to ensure no sensitive information is leaked from team meetings such as precisely which player proclaimed the team would turn it around.

On one hand, the fact that Pujols was mad about Hatcher's "betrayal" is a little lame considering that Hatcher didn't leak any information that was sensitive or important to the press. (Hey look, this joke actually is founded in reality!) On the other (correct) hand, what Hatcher did was still plenty stupid and plenty unnecessary, considering it pissed off the team's franchise player. And btw HAW HAW HAW CIA AGENTS THAT'S RICH

3. Fans entering Angels stadium will be met by a greeter saying "Bienvenido,'' an homage to Pujols' famous softball-playing father Bienvenido Pujols.

*game show buzzer* *second louder buzzer for racism* Hey, Pujols's dad's name means a word in his native language! You've never met a white guy named "Welcome" have you? Didn't think so.

4. The spread will now be catered by Pujols 5, the St. Louis restaurant.

Joke #2 about how Albert misses St. Louis. And I hate to critique all these jokes with the all caps thing I mostly stole from Drew Magary, because that makes me barely more funny than Jon, but I can't think of a better way to tear down garbage like this than HAW HAW IT'S HIS RESTAURANT, BUT FROM HIS OLD TEAM SO HE PROBABLY LIKES THE FOOD EVEN THOUGH IT'S FROM THE OLD TEAM

Look, I know most of you reading could do better, I'm hardly George Carlin or Chris Rock here. The all caps overexplain the joke bit is all I've got right now. roll with me. I've had a horrific week.

5. The bench coach henceforth serves a dual role as caddy for the avid golfer Albert.

*game show buzzer* Doesn't Rick Reilly have intellectual property rights on all terrible humor that involves golf?

6. The new team name is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Dominican Republic by way of Kansas City.

No buzzer- this is the only joke on this list I will somewhat partially tolerate (relative to the rest of this urea) because "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" is pretty fucking stupid, and whichever marketing whiz came up with it should be beaten with a tire iron.

7. The trade is finally complete: Mike Trout, Peter Bourjos, Erick Aybar, Mark Trumbo, Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, C.J. Wilson, Jordan Walden, Hank Conger and the entire roster of the Salt Lake Bees for Yadier Molina.

THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

Joke #3 about the team/town that Pujols claims to not miss at all.

8. Agent Dan Lozano is given his own $10-million personal services contract.

This is an incredibly idiotic joke, but the "LOL FAVORITISM TOWARDS AGENTS" aspect is pretty great coming from a guy who spends a good bit of his offseason column space carrying water for the biggest and most powerful agent in the game.

9. Introducing the new manager of the Angels, Jose Oquendo.

Joke #4 premised on a thing that does not exist. But you know what, how great would it be if Pujols got legendary cocktug Mike Scoscia fired? I'm in favor of any sequence of events that produces that outcome.

In conclusion Jon Heyman is probably slightly worse at writing jokes than Bill Simmons.

More A-Rod Bullshit

Fuck America. Fuck money. Let's all just go Rick Reilly on people and complain about A-Rod's "image" when we really mean "I hate the fact that he plays by a system in which he can negotiate and explore different ways to make a great deal of money".

Gene Wdskjsdkgowski weighs in on the A-Rod saga

NEW YORK -- The "Wizard of Oz" was on TV a couple of nights ago. Dorothy tosses a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the West and the green-faced hag melts like a scoop of sherbet dropped in a fry vat.

Weird, since that's exactly what's happening to the public image of Alex Rodriguez and to the mystique of his commission-conscious Doberman, Scott Boras. They got doused with a bucket of baseball reality and now they're melting. Melting!

Well, at least this time a writer referenced a movie that people have actually seen. That's good. Unfortunately, the reference sucks. This is because A-Rod's image was already so damaged from asshole writers who expect him to be a paragon of altruism, so it wouldn't matter how bad he got fried. Why the hell does a Wizard of Oz reference belong in this article?

Oh, what a world … what a world!

Gene, you sound like a hysterical teenage girl.

If ever two people deserved very large servings of humility it is Rodriguez and agent Boras. They spectacularly underestimated the blowback caused by their latest series of business miscalculations. The bumbling has further damaged A-Rod's credibility and left welt marks on Boras' carefully crafted persona of invincibility.

If ever a group of people deserved very large servings of humility it is the collective association of sportswriters who assault Alex Rodriguez. It's just fucking sour grapes: everyone hates him because he makes too much money. Whatever "credibility" or "persona" they claim is being damaged - that's a crock. They're just pissed because his paycheck is a lot bigger than anyone else's and he has the GALL to find ways to make it even bigger, which they would do if they dominated their field like he does. Or perhaps they're mad because their chosen field is less rewarded by society.

::shrug::

A-Rod can describe the situation any way he wants on his Web site (and by the way, thanks for finally updating the journal from 2006), but the simple truth is that he capitulated. Or in baseball terms, he's Yankee whipped.

Capitulated to what? He went out to test the market and he tested it. He discovered that the Yankees were still the best offerers. Since A-Rod values money (like 99% of Americans), he is more "money-whipped" than "Yankee-whipped".

What do they say in Texas about people who talk a big game, but can't deliver? "Big hat, no cattle.'' That's A-Rod and Boras. They thought the world would be lining up to sign the free-agent third baseman and it didn't happen.

Here's what they say in Texas:
"I sure wish we still had the best baseball player ever, except we signed him to a contract we couldn't afford and then traded him".

Rodriguez and Boras botched this thing from the very beginning. They alienated Yankees fans with their greed and indifference.

If Yankee fans were actually alienated by greed, the organization would've lost its fans years ago.

They angered the Steinbrenners with their arrogance (and that takes some doing, considering how the Steinbrenners handled the Joe Torre situation). And they created a scenario where absolutely no one would want to root for A-Rod's success. If anything, you rooted for the Yankees, which is like rooting for Lord Voldemort.

If anything, Gene, you are a fucking lame"Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for US Steel". That's a repeat of the old adage, except you cleverly modernized it with a cool reference to HARRY POTTER.

Honestly.

But sometimes enough is enough. The Yankees drew their line in the wet cement, and A-Rod and Boras left their footprints as they walked out of the Bronx. But before the cement has even hardened, A-Rod is back professing his supposed love for the pinstripes.

Note that Gene doesn't offer A-Rod's actual quote here - because I bet he didn't say it. In pnoles's writeup (below), A-Rod said a bunch of wishy-washy stuff about "dialogue" and crap. He isn't professing anything to the millions of jerks who crucify him for their own organization's inability to build a pitching staff.

Gene goes on to bitch about A-Rod's postseason, and his past history in Seattle and Texas. Blah blah blah. Standard fare.

Then he throws in this:

In short, the Yankees haven't reached a World Series during his watch. It isn't all A-Rod's fault, but bang for the buck? Not when it comes to ring ceremonies.

This is such a fucking gutless thing to say. It isn't A-Rod's fault, but it is A-Rod's fault. This is the same line every sportswriter in this country uses.

Yankees fans haven't forgotten those postseason stats and they won't forget the way he ditched and dissed their team.

Yeah - he should've had some kind of "loyalty" to the team that he "carried" to the playoffs by having a "fucking amazing year". Yankee fans don't give a shit about that.

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If the academy of baseball writers would like to take up arms against capitalist culture and excoriate players in general for seeking their market value, let them do so and do so openly and honestly.

If they academy of baseball writers wants to take cowardly potshots at the best player in baseball for doing so, let them expect to get excoriated on this blog.