Another Reason why ESPN.com Sucks

So ESPN.com has this thing called "Hot Stove U" where they put out content about baseball during the offseason. It's only for ESPN Insiders, which I am not, so we won't go into the articles here, which is okay, because they are probably terrible. Anyways, here are the titles in the series so far:

• Why baseball needs Joe Mauer in Minnesota

Baseball doesn't need Joe Mauer in Minnesota. Minnesota needs Joe Mauer in Minnesota. Keep reading.

• Why the frugal Twins remain competitive

Good lord, ESPN.com's writers have the usual devotion to the Minnesota good-old-American-dream-family-values-moral-goodness Twins. What a load of bullshit. The Twins play in the 16th largest metro area in the USA - larger than Denver, St. Louis, Baltimore... and they drew 2.5 million fans-(14th in the league) last year to one of the worst stadiums in all of baseball... and yet they're still treated like a little old town of hard-workin' lumberjacks who are the opposite of the Yankees.

The Twins surely have a good business model - they're able to generate effective value in wins and attendance without spending a zillion bucks. Maybe the Mets should take note. But still - I'm so tired of hearing how unfortunate it is that the Twins can't afford to keep their star players. Their owner

• Why the Cubs have a bad contract situation

Overexposure of the Cubs. Who cares, 102 years, Cubs fans are boorish drunkards, etc, etc.

• Why the Red Sox are making "old school" cool

This article is about how the Red Sox are straying from the principles of Moneyball and going back to 'old-school' methods. No doubt other teams might be doing this as well, but these writers know that the Red Sox generate more hits than anyone else. Apparently MLB teams follow the Red Sox's popular methods just as much as the one douche in your history class who was born and lived two years in Woonsocket and just wants to tell everyone on the internet how he has always been a Red Sox fan.

• Why Derek Jeter is second-greatest SS all time

Ugh. I saw a shorter headline for this same article that said, "Jeter Consistent". Good lord, these articles hurt.

• Why game's best arms hate to face Ryan Braun

Hey! An interesting article about something vaguely new! I am astonished!

Fuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wish I could have liveblogged this entire game.

Scene: Tigers/Twins, Bottom of the 10th, Tigers lead 5-4. One out. Runners on first and third. Your hitter is Matt Tolbert. Yes, that's right, a player as bad as Matt Tolbert is going to decide the fate of the single biggest game of regular season baseball. Chip Caray and "Color Guy" have the call.

Pitch 1: Rodney throws a hard breaking ball down. Tolbert waves at it with his bat about 2 feet over where the ball crosses the plate with all the velocity of an old Asian woman driving on the expressway.

Pitch 2: Called fastball strike at the knees.

Pitch 3: Tolbert hits a weak bouncer up the middle. Within inches of Polanco's glove and a likely game-ending double-play (despite Tolbert's speed), the ball sneaks past the infield up the middle for a hit.

Color Guy: "What an at-bat by Tolbert!"

That's the formula for hitting success folks. It's simpler than we thought.

Step 1: Swing at awful pitch
Step 2: Take called strike
Step 3: Weakly hit bouncer
Step 4: ....
Step 5: Win!

__________________________________________________

And to conclude the game:

Chip Caray: You have to tip your cap to the Jim Leyland and the Detroit Tigers. They could not hold a 7 game lead at the beginning of September.

Gee there Chip, that sure was a thoughtful thing to say! You gotta hand it to the Chicago Cubs. They did not come close to living up to their talent this year.

The Twins are a Utilitarian Commune of Brotherly Love

The Twins have been an unusually successful small-market team over the last eight years or so. Tim Kurkjian speculates: Twins Thrive with Team-First Philosophy. Nice title - carefully employed slant alliteration!

When Twins manager Ron Gardenhire returned to his office after his team's first exhibition of the season Wednesday, he saw a note on his desk from first baseman Justin Morneau. It read: "Gardy, I forgot to do my sprints after the workout today. So I am fining myself $100.''

Gardenhire laughed. "That's entertaining,'' he said.

Then he stopped laughing. "That's leadership,'' he said.

If I had made thirteen and a half million dollars before I turned twenty-eight, I might engage in such largesse. But that's not the point: the point is that Justin Morneau, as a product of the Twins organization, engages in a self-discipline that is uncommon in baseball. OK, I buy it. But seriously - is this due to the Twins' organizational philosophy, or is this due to Justin's parents, or is this due to the fact that he grew up in a country generally recognized for genial-and-friendly-and-generous-to-a-fault persons?

I wonder what would happen if Manny signed with the Twins.

That story tells an awful lot about Morneau, who won the American League MVP award in 2006 and finished in the top five in the MVP voting this past season.

Don't tell that to pnoles.

It also tells a lot about Gardenhire, who is so respected in the Twins' clubhouse that one of the two best players on the team volunteered $100 for forgetting to run sprints.

Like I said, it might also say a lot about Mr. and Mrs. Morneau, or Canada, or anything else that might have had a formative influence on Justin... it's kind of hard to singularly ascribe this to Gardenhire's greatness. I just split an infinitive and let me tell you, as an English teacher, it felt great.

But mostly, it tells a lot about the Twins. They do it the right way, which isn't corny and isn't trite; it's the truth.

They do "it" the right "way". Thanks Tim, for not really specifying what "it" or the "way" really are. I don't really hate this article, I just hate the vagueness of the wayness that the Twins are doubtless practicingness.

And it is the biggest reason they came within one victory of making the playoffs last season despite having lost Torii Hunter to free agency, having had to trade the best pitcher in the game, Johan Santana, to the Mets, and not having their best starting pitcher, Francisco Liriano, for half the season.

That must be the biggest reason. Not any of those players - none of them were the biggest reason. But that's why: the team spirit is what drove them to become more than the sum of their parts! Not just the fact that they got a season of 137 OPS+ production out of their catcher and first baseman! (For contrast, the AL Champion Rays didn't have anyone over 127). And prettygood years outta four starters!

In this era of self-entitlement among players, the Twins have none of that.

Good for them! I bet they don't have ANY of that at all! In fact, I bet that every one of the Twins vote Democratic! You have to do that once you sign!

"It is drilled into them the first day they arrive in pro ball,'' Gardenhire said. "Our coaches and instructors make sure of that.''

I'm glad the Twins' coaches and instructors drill self-entitlement out of all their players. I'm wondering if these enlightened persons in the Twins' organization will consent to share their secrets with the parents of America's teenagers, who are struggling and failing with that very task every day. But that might take away the Twins' competitive edge!

Last spring, veteran pitcher Livan Hernandez joined the Twins.In his first pitcher fielding practice, he was going through the motions, not doing the drill properly, not bringing his glove to his chest and then throwing straight through to the bases, as the Twins teach it.

I wonder what other teams teach pitchers to do. Throw straight around the bases? Bring their gloves to their ears?

Instead, he was flipping the ball submarine style to first base. After the workout, Gardenhire called Hernandez into his office and explained that there were a lot of young, impressionable players in camp and that he needed Hernandez to do things properly because that's how the Twins have always done it.

Amen! Amen! Amen! Say it again, brother Gardenhire!

He also told Hernandez that he would have to no longer wear big earrings.

Now we've gotten to the real problem: men wearing big earrings. People in Minnesota don't tolerate that kind of crap. The 2008 teams that let their players wear big earrings sucked.

The next day, without his earrings, "Livo did the drill better than anyone,'' Gardenhire said.

Eureka! Sports abilities are inextricably tied to the lack of earrings! This explains why girls are bad at sports! Excelsior!

That story explains how the Twins were able to win 88 games last season.

Because their pitchers don't wear earrings!

It explains how they finished 29th in the major leagues in home runs but finished fourth in runs scored. (In contrast, the Reds finished seventh in the major leagues in homers and 23rd in runs).

No, it doesn't. Actually, that story about Livan Hernandez doesn't explain anything about the relative difference between the Twins' and Reds' ability to score runs! Their pitchers' fielding ability has zero influence on their batters' hitting! Here's a stat that might explain the difference: the Reds' OBP was .321 last year, and the Twins' was .340! Wow!

The Twins had the highest batting average (.305) with runners in scoring position last season in part because they practice it every day of the season in batting practice.

Can someone explain how, last season, the Twins hit .305 and the rest of the AL hit .273? Must be that Amazing Batting Practiced Developed and Patented By the Twins' Organization. Except:

The AL team average with RISP, 2007: .276

The Twins' team BA with RISP, 2007: .276

The AL team average with RISP, 2006: .275

The Twins' team BA with RISP, 2006: .295

The AL team average with RISP, 2005: .273

The Twins' team BA with RISP, 2005: .271

Conclusion: Whatever led to the 2008 Twins' outlandish outperforming of the league-average numbers for BA/RISP, it sure as hell isn't some organization-wide philosophy or drill, since in 2007 and 2005 they were pretty much league-average.

Maybe the Twins' hitters have some kind of Bret-Saberhagen syndrome where they can mash with runners on only in even numbered years?

The same thing is done every day on every level of their minor league system.

How do they practice this? Again, this must be one of the Twins' organizational secrets - the secret BA/RISP drill that wins games. Well, somone should sneak into their low-A BP and find out what this amazing drill is. I hope the Reds do it. The Reds suck. They should have a higher BA/RISP.

tl;dr:

Doubtless the Twins have their own unique organizational approach to the game - and there's a lot to be said for an organization that has been pretty successful for an eight-year period on a small-market budget. However, don't bother reading Tim Kurkjian's article, because it's a poorly-researched clump of anecdotal evidence that confirms my pre-existing bias that persons from Minnesota are sanctimonious moralists.

Bert Byleven, Make the Hall of Fame and then SHUT THE HELL UP

With the usual apologies to reader Tonus.....it's time for some Halo-bashing. Although it's not really "bashing". Let's call it "accurately-assessing-that-mediocrity-of-a-team-in-a-way-that-no-one-paid-to-write-about-baseball-seems-to-be-able-to"

Despite departures, Angels will win AL

I demand to know right now. What the fuck is the obsession that the media has with this team? It's like Eckstein never left!

The Angels won 100 games last season, but over the winter they lost Mark Teixeira, Francisco Rodriguez, Jon Garland and Garret Anderson.

They watched Hunter and Guerrero slide further down the path of "old". They inexplicably gave Juan Rivera another job, and instead of hiring a first baseman, they gave the job to a wedge of cheese.

They did add Brian Fuentes and Bobby Abreu, and they remain not only the class of the AL West, but also my pick to make it to the World Series.

There are at least eleventy-five better choices to win to the World Series. They are jusssssssssst barely better than the Oakland Athletics.

Under manager Mike Scioscia, the Angels are so fundamentally sound, and that leads to victories.

Hit that cutoff man! Tag up on a fly ball! Keep playing that mediocre defense!

They are division favorites because even with the departure of Teixeira, they will win with solid pitching, dependable fielding and a productive enough offense.

"Solid"...."dependable"...."productive enough". Gee Bert, don't get too excited about these guys!

Abreu in left field makes their lineup look even better.

"Even better". Wow Bert, "even better" than 10th in the AL? That's amazing! Oh, and did I mention that you just swapped out Teixeira for Abreu and claimed that the lineup got BETTER? You fucking serious?

Offensively, they are a very solid club,

WRONG! And just a couple paragraphs up, I thought they were "productive enough." Now they're "very solid"? Did they acquire Manny Ramirez between the time you wrote those two paragraphs?

especially in the middle of the order, with Scioscia most likely hitting Abreu second, Vladimir Guerrero third and Torii Hunter fourth.

How is this remotely considered GOOD? This is EASILY in the lower half of the league as far as "heart of the order" is concerned. Probably bottom 10.

Their starting rotation is impressive, especially the top three.

I would agree.

Ervin Santana is growing in wisdom as a pitcher,

That's a fun way to describe a 26-year old.

Jered Weaver is the fourth starter,

Naming a pitcher and not saying anything else about him is a great argumentative tactic.

and Dustin Moseley appears to have the leg up on a wide-open battle for the fifth spot.

Blyleven: Ahem...yes...that appears to be what this depth chart I'm reading names off of says. I'm just going to keep making nondescript shit up about each one as we go.

Fuentes is not K-Rod,

He's just as good.

but he has 30 or more saves in three of his past four seasons in Colorado.

And might have saved 63 if he played for the Angels last year.

There are other AL teams being more highly touted,

The better ones.

but sometimes as a former player, your gut just tells you good fortune is going to shine on a certain team in a certain season.

THE ANGELS WERE LUCKY AS SHIT LAST YEAR TO WIN 100 GAMES.

Seriously Blyleven, go to Vegas. I wasn't aware pitching in the MLB gave you a supernatural ability to determine what teams would get lucky in a given season.

You know, I kind of like the Atlanta Braves this year....because....because I just think they'll get lucky! That's why!

Even though the Yankees spent $423 million this offseason on free agents CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira and A.J. Burnett, the Red Sox, who made some low-risk moves that could yield high rewards, will win the AL East.

The Red Sox starting rotation is a big plus. And it’s not just Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Tim Wakefield. The free-agent signings of Brad Penny (one year, $5 million), and John Smoltz (one year, $5.5 million, with a possible added $5 million in performance bonuses) could be huge positives.

Let's see, that's 6 starters, plus Clay Buchholz.....hey Bert, how many guys get to be in a starting rotation?

Even without Manny Ramirez, the Red Sox have plenty of offense in Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis, Mike Lowell, J.D. Drew, Jason Bay and Jacoby Ellsbury. As long as they stay healthy, they have a lot of ways to protect Ortiz in their lineup in the post-Ramirez era.

Protect....David Ortiz? What year is it again? 2006?

The Yankees will have to settle for the wild card. Their rotation begins with Sabathia. It also has Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang, Joba Chamberlain and Andy Pettitte.

Again, really a great way to inform me about the quality of the Yankees' pitching staff! By the way, are the Rays just irrelevant or.....

Chamberlain is penciled in at No. 4. This is a move I disagree with. Chamberlain should stay in the role he has excelled in, and that is the setup man to closer Mariano Rivera. That’s Chamberlain’s greatest value to the team.

And perhaps they should plug his spot in the rotation with like....Jaret Wright (didn't that work out well that one time?). Or maybe a live donkey.

With Chamberlain starting, the question of whether the Yankees have enough reliable arms out of the bullpen to get games to Rivera becomes even greater.

You see getting to Rivera is really only important if you have the lead to begin with, and that begins with a quality starti-....oh you're not done. Sorry. So sorry.

And what about Rivera? He turned 39 on Nov. 29, and he’s coming off surgery in early October on his right shoulder. Will he be the same dominating closer as he has been in the past?

Well he was the best closer in baseball last year, if that's any indication.....

The Rays will find it too difficult to again finish ahead of the Red Sox and Yankees simply because seasons like the magical one they enjoyed in 2008 are hard to repeat.

And there you have it folks. Give Bert his paycheck. He's done his job.

It was all magic. Not the fact that they had (and still do have) the best pitching in baseball. Magic. Abra-cadabreraweablabala.

Lean toward the Twins to capture the AL Central mainly because of their impressive young pitching staff. But this division race should be an extremely interesting one with the potential of all five teams being in the mix.

Name 3 players on the Kansas City Royals before saying that. No...wait...don't just name them. I know by now that you're very good at that.

The Twins are a solid club, but they need more depth off the bench and more power.

This is the nicest thing I've ever said about Carlos Gomez, but the Twins have 4 outfielders capable of carrying a starting job. They also have Brendan Harris, who has to be one of the best bench bats you can find, and probably one of the best backup catchers in baseball in Mike Redmond. I don't understand where you got the idea that this bench needed to get any better.

I can't end on that....it wasn't funny.

Poop.

No, I'm Not Dead, Part II

I've been more vigilant than you guys probably thought this past week and a half or so. The problem is that Jay Mariotti is over in China writing about the Olympics and such, and besides the fact that I think Michael Phelps is a complete toolbox (seriously, who rides around in a car with a stack of T-shirts, puts each on one at a time, takes it off, and throws it to the crowd? Maybe I'm just jealous that he can pound 10,000 calories per day and look SO GOOD!), I really don't have anything to say about those events.

Anyway, let's do a JerryChat. You see, he's not highly regarded enough to be limited to insiders.

Tuesday's topic, courtesy of John in Herndon, Va.:
'With the Twins taking three of four from the White Sox over the weekend, and Chicago's ballooning ERA, who will win the AL Central: Chicago, Minnesota, or possibly Detroit?'

I can hear you all groaning. Yes, it's more crap about the White Sox. AL Central stuff. I know. Riveting. A little-known fact* about me: I'm a Toronto Blue Jays fan.

THE CASE FOR THE WHITE SOX

They have a bunch of veterans still around from the 2005 World Series season, so they know what it takes to fight through the tough times.

Delmon Young, on the other hand, has never faced any adversity ever.

The bullpen is strong (in theory) with Octavio Dotel and Scott Linebrink in the seventh and eighth innings and Bobby Jenks in the ninth. Jose Contreras is about to come off the disabled list and rejoin the rotation, and Linebrink has begun a throwing program in his recovery from a shoulder problem.

I just copied this to give everyone a nice timeframe for this article.

THE CASE FOR THE TWINS
After hearing for more than a month that they're destined to fade, the Twins are starting to believe they're for real.

I can imagine an early July discussion between Joe Mauer and Carlos Gomez.

Joe: We can't keep this up. Our batting average with runners in scoring position is insane. We're getting by on 4 overperforming #3 starters and the ghost of Livan Hernandez. Sure, Liriano might come back, but who knows if he'll be good? There's very little chance.

Carlos: Plus, don't forget what that PECOTA thingy said. Oh shit, I'm fading, man!

Fast forward to today:

Joe and Carlos (together, holding hands, frolicking through a field of posies): We're starting to believe in ourselves! We're better than before!

That's exactly how it happened. I promise. And it's the best argument possible for why the Twins will win the division.

Despite hitting only 79 homers -- a little more than half Chicago's total of 154 -- the Twins have scored 553 runs, exactly the same as the White Sox.

And this doesn't scream "fluke" to you? The White Sox even have a slightly higher OBP!

Yes, Minnesota's rotation is young and inexperienced, and the Twins' inability to replace injured setup man Pat Neshek could come back to haunt them. The schedule also works in Chicago's favor.

Pretty irrelevant, fairly important, VERY important. Followed up by....

But there's something to be said for

Oh God...

karma

What?

fresh legs

No no no...wait. Stop. Go back to that other one. The karma thing.

What???

Karma???

Are the White Sox notoriously evil and the Twins notoriously a bunch of kind-hearted souls? What are you driving at here, Crasnick?

Okay, I've reacted enough. Next stupid thing!

fresh legs

Is having 2 injured starting position players as opposed to one for the White Sox a good case for this? "Fast legs," maybe, but fresh? Paul Konerko's fresher than Mentos, he's just fucking slow.

and good arms

White Sox ERA: 3.91
Twins ERA: 4.27

How do you measure good arms, Jerry?

and the Twins have the edge in each of those commodities

No, they absolutely do not. This is an irrefutable fact. The one they're most clearly behind in is the last one, which is probably the only important one.

This is one of those 51 vs. 49 percent calls, but we'll go with the underdog and take Minnesota.

pnoles: Hey Jerry, who's gonna win the Central?

Jerry Crasnick: Well eh...the White Sox have the best chance of winning, so I predict Minnesota.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Hey guys, Everybody knows about the Midwest bias here at ESPN. Today it's all about the American League Central. Let's get started ...

I hope to God that was a joke. I'm thinking it probably was (and if it was, good one), but can you imagine if he really thinks there's a midwest bias at ESPN?

Tim (Lawrence, KS): Who would win a Prince Fielder-Manny Parra smackdown?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Tim, I'd have to put my money on the big, power-hitting vegetarian at first base.

I'm printing this because it's the one correct answer that Jerry gives.

Matt (Syracuse): This one is a no brainer. Minnesota has inexperienced pitchers, while the White Sox hold one of the most powerful offenses in the league. With the addition of Griffey in the lineup, the White Sox will gel and pull away from the Twins in the AL Central, eventually winning the American League.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, The White Sox might have one of the most powerful offenses in the league, but they've scored 553 runs -- exactly the same as the Twins (who've played one more game).

We've been over this. Pretty damn lucky.

Chicago does it with power and Minnesota has done it with speed and timely hitting.

"Chicago does it with a skill thing, Minnesota does it with a skill thing of lesser value and a luck thing."

Which one do YOU think will hang on?

Everybody keeps saying the Twins are a mirage with that .317 average with runners in scoring position.

What morons....

But we've been saying it for weeks now, and they're still hanging around.

Easy schedule, still good luck, etc. Only one road series in the past 4 weeks that wasn't against one of the 3 worst teams in the AL.

Pablo, Los angeles, CA.: I am a White Sox fan(I don't know Why) but I agree with you The Sox don't play with the heart the Twins do. And unless they get another pitcher and speedy player, the Twins will teach The Chisox another lesson, and break our hearts AGAIN.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Pablo, I thought I'd get savaged by White Sox fans for picking the Twins, but I've had a few people post the same sentiment as you -- that some intangible ingredient is missing from this year's White Sox. And if things don't get better, you have to think the pressure will be ratcheted up in Chicago. The Twins, on the other hand, have every reason to be loose. Nobody expects them to be here.

Oh yeah, every expert was picking the White Sox to take the Central before the season. Everyone totally expected this. Twins play loose, White Sox play under pressure. Provable. Intelligent. Analysis.

Matt (IN): How much do you think the Twins road trip due to the national convention will come into play here? Thanks

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, I asked Ron Gardenhire about it a month ago, and he said it would be great because the Twins would get "a lot of meal money.'' Let's put it this way: He's not going to let it become an issue.

Oh, so that's how you determine whether a long road trip will negatively affect the team. "Hey Ron Gardenhire, is your team gonna crash and burn on your road trip?" "Oh yeah, Jerry, totally! We're screwed! We suck on the road!"

Since the Twins are such a young club, I think it might have less of a negative impact than it would on an older club.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

This is quite possibly the biggest double-standard in baseball journalism. If you want to argue for a young team, say that they'll get by on their energy. If you want to argue against a young team, just claim their inexperienced! Why can't I just say, "Hey Jerry, if the Twins were a little more experienced, wouldn't that lessen the negative impact of the road trip?"

You owe me the biggest fucking explanation of all time for this one. HOW DOES THE AGE OF THE TWINS AFFECT HOW THEY PLAY ON AN EXTENDED ROADTRIP, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT?

Dustin,(Moore, ok): Everyone has said all year ...The twins will fade, they are a year away, this is a rebuilding year, ect...When will people realize that talent and good coaching are a part of this as well, and actually give the twins credit instead of waiting for them to fail?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Dustin, It makes sense that a team that's middle-of-the-pack in OBP and slugging is going to have a hard time producing runs by continuing to hit .317 with runners in scoring position. But now that we're in August, it's time to acknkowledge that the Twins aren't a fluke.

So there have been zero fluky teams in history to still be in contention in August. Huh. Makes sense. Kind of like the 2007 Mariners. They were in it this late, and they weren't a fluke, and all they had to do was add Erik Bedard and Carlos Silva for their tremendous 2008 World Championship run. Because they weren't a fluke.

Ted (Minneapolis): Do you think that Ron Gardenhire should have some say as the manager of the year? Since he has taken the Twins this far without one of the best pitchers of the game in Santana?

I would like to point out that the manager of every contending team in baseball except Jerry Manuel has accomplished this feat.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Ted, He should get some consideration, but Joe Maddon of Tampa Bay is still the frontrunner.

Make that two correct answers. Even if Joe Maddon is kind of stupid.

Daniel (Chicago, IL): It seems to me that the Sox's inability to score runs without the long ball is a real red flag that will hurt them immensely if they get cold down the stretch. You could argue that a team with so many power bats is immune to that, but that argument's been made and disproven for dozens of teams (see Chicago Cubs, 2004). The Twins, on the other hand, don't hit a ton of home runs but can still knock one out when they need to. Just my two cents.

Daniel seems to think that the Twins can hit a home run whenever they choose.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Daniel, We'll see. Three run homers are great, but it's hard to rely on them. The White Sox are a station to station team and they're going to be prone to fallow stretches when they're not hitting the ball out of the park.

April: 33 HR
May: 28 HR
June: 48 HR
July: 37 HR
Half of August: 19 HR
May record: 16-13

Seems pretty rock solid to me! Here's another theory. When you have tons of guys that hit tons of HR, including the top 2 guys in the league, you're pee-robably not going to go through that kind of stretch. Sound good? Good.

Patrick, Chicago: Jerry, im sorry to disagree with you and others who have said this team has no fight... We had a bad stretch in Minni and in KC, but do you not recal the dramtic (and crucial) come from behind wins IN DETROIT JUST LAST WEEKEND?? We have been doing it all year, this team does fight. The unsung key in all this is Javier Vazquez, who has the stuff to be a top flight starter, and has shown glimpses. His last start against the Royals was very good... if he gets on track with Danks and Floyd, the Sox will win the division.

This man just derailed Crasnick's entire fluff-based argument. Your response, Jerry?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Patrick, Glad to see some spunk from a White Sox fan. That's the spirit!

Beeee-youtiful.

*definition of "fact" is the sole discretion of me, myself, and I.

Announcement!

Jay Mariotti is apparently closer to home for me than I once knew. I was eating at Wildfire, a nice restaurant near my house, when I noticed that among the many plaques on the wall that honor people who eat there frequently was one that read this:

"JAY AND DANA MARIOTTI".

Further inquisition confirmed not only that it was him, but also that he has a daughter that goes to the high school I attended.

Based on everything that has passed between me and Jay, is it fair to say that I'm not responsible for my actions if I see him?

Anyway, back to the crap.

As Ozzie invents enemies, Twins stalk lead

Blah blah blah as Ozzie bad, something else not-Ozzie good blah blah blah. For such a well-regarded writer, you sure as hell are monotonous.

When Ozzie Guillen isn't picking stupid fights with someone named C.J. Wilson -- I see he's stooping to much lower levels than me and Magglio Ordonez -- he's peering at the big scoreboard and seeing The Piranhas nipping at his butt cheeks.

Jay is clearly misinformed about the identity of "The Piranhas." Pay attention to this one Jay, because if you're going to use a phrase, you should at least know what it refers to. "The Piranhas" was a collective nickname for Jason Bartlett (who is now the Rays shorstop), Luis Castillo (who is now the Mets' second baseman), and Nick Punto (a guy who had the most negative VORP of any MLB player last year and barely has over 100 at-bats this year). In other words, Jay, you just said that the 9-1-2 hitters in the Twins lineup from 2 years ago are nipping at Ozzie Guillen's butt cheeks. Because those three baseball players no longer play for the same baseball team, I can only assume "nipping at his butt cheeks" was some sort of homosexual reference, which contradicts the previous sentence that Ozzie Guillen is any lower than you.

My brain works in the strangest ways.

Hey, blame him. He's the one who coined the perfect nickname for the Minnesota Twins

'9-1-2 hitters from 2006.

who continue to perform in the feisty piranha spirit and frighten the hell out of the White Sox.

Stop.

Is anyone out there remotely comfortable with a half-game lead? You shouldn't be. As the Sox were absorbing a 9-1 clobbering Saturday night from the lowly Kansas City Royals, the Twins were winning for the 21st time in 27 games, again looking like an elite team in a 14-2 crushing of the Texas Rangers.

The Twins are not an elite team. They're a bunch of #3 starters and a bunch of guys who don't hit HR. The Twins and the White Sox have practically identical team on-base percentages. However, the Sox have hit 135 HR. The Twins have hit 69. How in the world is it that the Twins have outscored the White Sox at the time of this writing?

Insanely. Good. Luck.

With RISP, the Twins are .311/.383/.454. That is easily the best and luckiest in the majors. Given that the White Sox have been way better at preventing runs, there's no way the Twins are their biggest threat.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

He's talking about C.J. Wilson. And like Jay said, I bet Ozzie cares more about him than his own team.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

The fact that he's really good at baseball pales in comparison to this, eh?

The fundamental question, to me, was whether Quentin would leave his first half in the on-deck circle at Yankee Stadium. That's where I last saw him, waiting to bat when American League teammate Michael Young mercifully ended that New York Marathon of an All-Star Game. Twice before, Quentin had stepped in with chances to be a wee-hours hero; twice, he failed.

5-for-17 with 3 walks and 2 HR since the break is definitely cutting it....

Was this an omen for his Q rating?

What the fuck does this mean? I want to call every scribe from every corner of the earth. Someone, please decipher this moron's brain. What was he possibly thinking when he wrote this?

Would the upstart that many have viewed as an MVP candidate, the steal of the year in baseball, now fall to earth as conventional logic demands? Was it too unrealistic to think he could lead the Sox to the playoffs when he was acquired from Arizona for a minor-league first baseman and sunflower seeds?

HE IS 9-FOR-FUCKING-28 WITH 6 HOME RUNS IN HIS LAST 7 GAMES? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE'S COOLING OFF?

Didn't you watch the game, Jay? Like every player had a chance to end that game at least once in extras.

He may not win the MVP award or hit .300, but the stocky slugger who vaguely resembles a young Jose Canseco -- somehow, I mean that as a compliment -- will keep crushing pitches and giving the Sox their most out-of-nowhere clout since Mayor Daley flashed a sign in a TV ad and coaxed A.J. Pierzynski to bunt.

That ad came out roughly 2 weeks ago. So basically you're saying that Quentin is the best thing that's happened to the White Sox in 2 weeks.

The good news on Avenue Q aside, look elsewhere if you want a firm commitment to Sox glory. Along with Quentin, Danks and Floyd, it's just as vital for Paul Konerko to start earning his money and the likes of Thome, Nick Swisher and Jose Contreras to earn theirs. Closer Bobby Jenks, too, must avoid the disabled list. The Twins are that good.

1) "Avenue Q?"
2) No. The Twins are not that good. Their leadoff hitter has a .285 OBP. They have 2 guys with more than 10 home runs.

Ozzie yaps, the Twins nip.

You haven't mentioned Ozzie in 9 paragraphs, so this was a pretty seamless transition, eh?

I see a theme developing.

So do I, Jay. So. Do. I.