Friday, February 20, 2009

Bert Byleven, Make the Hall of Fame and then SHUT THE HELL UP

With the usual apologies to reader's time for some Halo-bashing. Although it's not really "bashing". Let's call it "accurately-assessing-that-mediocrity-of-a-team-in-a-way-that-no-one-paid-to-write-about-baseball-seems-to-be-able-to"

Despite departures, Angels will win AL

I demand to know right now. What the fuck is the obsession that the media has with this team? It's like Eckstein never left!

The Angels won 100 games last season, but over the winter they lost Mark Teixeira, Francisco Rodriguez, Jon Garland and Garret Anderson.

They watched Hunter and Guerrero slide further down the path of "old". They inexplicably gave Juan Rivera another job, and instead of hiring a first baseman, they gave the job to a wedge of cheese.

They did add Brian Fuentes and Bobby Abreu, and they remain not only the class of the AL West, but also my pick to make it to the World Series.

There are at least eleventy-five better choices to win to the World Series. They are jusssssssssst barely better than the Oakland Athletics.

Under manager Mike Scioscia, the Angels are so fundamentally sound, and that leads to victories.

Hit that cutoff man! Tag up on a fly ball! Keep playing that mediocre defense!

They are division favorites because even with the departure of Teixeira, they will win with solid pitching, dependable fielding and a productive enough offense.

"Solid"...."dependable"...."productive enough". Gee Bert, don't get too excited about these guys!

Abreu in left field makes their lineup look even better.

"Even better". Wow Bert, "even better" than 10th in the AL? That's amazing! Oh, and did I mention that you just swapped out Teixeira for Abreu and claimed that the lineup got BETTER? You fucking serious?

Offensively, they are a very solid club,

WRONG! And just a couple paragraphs up, I thought they were "productive enough." Now they're "very solid"? Did they acquire Manny Ramirez between the time you wrote those two paragraphs?

especially in the middle of the order, with Scioscia most likely hitting Abreu second, Vladimir Guerrero third and Torii Hunter fourth.

How is this remotely considered GOOD? This is EASILY in the lower half of the league as far as "heart of the order" is concerned. Probably bottom 10.

Their starting rotation is impressive, especially the top three.

I would agree.

Ervin Santana is growing in wisdom as a pitcher,

That's a fun way to describe a 26-year old.

Jered Weaver is the fourth starter,

Naming a pitcher and not saying anything else about him is a great argumentative tactic.

and Dustin Moseley appears to have the leg up on a wide-open battle for the fifth spot.

Blyleven: Ahem...yes...that appears to be what this depth chart I'm reading names off of says. I'm just going to keep making nondescript shit up about each one as we go.

Fuentes is not K-Rod,

He's just as good.

but he has 30 or more saves in three of his past four seasons in Colorado.

And might have saved 63 if he played for the Angels last year.

There are other AL teams being more highly touted,

The better ones.

but sometimes as a former player, your gut just tells you good fortune is going to shine on a certain team in a certain season.


Seriously Blyleven, go to Vegas. I wasn't aware pitching in the MLB gave you a supernatural ability to determine what teams would get lucky in a given season.

You know, I kind of like the Atlanta Braves this year....because....because I just think they'll get lucky! That's why!

Even though the Yankees spent $423 million this offseason on free agents CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira and A.J. Burnett, the Red Sox, who made some low-risk moves that could yield high rewards, will win the AL East.

The Red Sox starting rotation is a big plus. And it’s not just Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Tim Wakefield. The free-agent signings of Brad Penny (one year, $5 million), and John Smoltz (one year, $5.5 million, with a possible added $5 million in performance bonuses) could be huge positives.

Let's see, that's 6 starters, plus Clay Buchholz.....hey Bert, how many guys get to be in a starting rotation?

Even without Manny Ramirez, the Red Sox have plenty of offense in Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis, Mike Lowell, J.D. Drew, Jason Bay and Jacoby Ellsbury. As long as they stay healthy, they have a lot of ways to protect Ortiz in their lineup in the post-Ramirez era.

Protect....David Ortiz? What year is it again? 2006?

The Yankees will have to settle for the wild card. Their rotation begins with Sabathia. It also has Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang, Joba Chamberlain and Andy Pettitte.

Again, really a great way to inform me about the quality of the Yankees' pitching staff! By the way, are the Rays just irrelevant or.....

Chamberlain is penciled in at No. 4. This is a move I disagree with. Chamberlain should stay in the role he has excelled in, and that is the setup man to closer Mariano Rivera. That’s Chamberlain’s greatest value to the team.

And perhaps they should plug his spot in the rotation with like....Jaret Wright (didn't that work out well that one time?). Or maybe a live donkey.

With Chamberlain starting, the question of whether the Yankees have enough reliable arms out of the bullpen to get games to Rivera becomes even greater.

You see getting to Rivera is really only important if you have the lead to begin with, and that begins with a quality starti-....oh you're not done. Sorry. So sorry.

And what about Rivera? He turned 39 on Nov. 29, and he’s coming off surgery in early October on his right shoulder. Will he be the same dominating closer as he has been in the past?

Well he was the best closer in baseball last year, if that's any indication.....

The Rays will find it too difficult to again finish ahead of the Red Sox and Yankees simply because seasons like the magical one they enjoyed in 2008 are hard to repeat.

And there you have it folks. Give Bert his paycheck. He's done his job.

It was all magic. Not the fact that they had (and still do have) the best pitching in baseball. Magic. Abra-cadabreraweablabala.

Lean toward the Twins to capture the AL Central mainly because of their impressive young pitching staff. But this division race should be an extremely interesting one with the potential of all five teams being in the mix.

Name 3 players on the Kansas City Royals before saying that. No...wait...don't just name them. I know by now that you're very good at that.

The Twins are a solid club, but they need more depth off the bench and more power.

This is the nicest thing I've ever said about Carlos Gomez, but the Twins have 4 outfielders capable of carrying a starting job. They also have Brendan Harris, who has to be one of the best bench bats you can find, and probably one of the best backup catchers in baseball in Mike Redmond. I don't understand where you got the idea that this bench needed to get any better.

I can't end on wasn't funny.



Tonus said...

You go, Bert! Call 'em like you see 'em! We know that Mike Scioscia has what it takes to lead a team to the World Series, just like he did last year!!!

Although I'm not sure about Ervin Santana having any wisdom at 26. According to ARod, at 26 you're young, naive, and stupid!

This could be a painful year to follow the Angels. If the pitching holds up they won't be awful, but what are the chances that they'll beat their Pythag by TWELVE games again? Especially with that offense... /cut

Bengoodfella said...

I have to agree with Tonus on this. I mean the Angels did sign Bobby Abreu and really Morales over Tex at first base is a toss up. Ok, enough sarcasm...The Angels were smart enough to get rid of Garrett Anderson and I think they will still win the West, but I don't see them winning the World Series. Few teams can recover after losing Jon Garland.

Anonymous said...

So this is my first time posting (Basically cause of my vast disagrence with Sopan or whatever his name was a couple of posts ago...Honestly what a ass.) Anyways, just to counter his post, I love yalls blog, (been reading it for the last 7 months while I've been in Europe), and keep up the good work. Finally Chris W, your London Blog is insane...reminds me completely of so many of my experineces during my study abroad. Again, keep up the good work.

Jack M said...

Great, Chris W is posting anonymously again.

Chris W said...

lol. I thought my london blog was locked!


Thx 4 teh pr0ps anon!

Eddie said...

"There are other AL teams being more highly touted,

The better ones."

I don't think i've ever laughed that hard while reading something. ever.

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese said...

Good to see ya again, PNoles.

So Bert Blyleven is now lumped with Mariotti in the category of "writers so bad they don't deserve a link"? Here's some Blyleven for you.

Anonymous said...

on a side note, just glad pnoles is back! the articles haven't up to their firejay standard of late, and this one totally brings me back to the good ole days

CitizenX said...

Bert Blyeleven experimented with bisexuality in college. He called it "blysexuality" but everybody on his floor just knew him as that dude that sucked off dave and stevey.

Not that homosexuality has any bearing on his ability to write about sports, I just wanted to point it out. And he still sucks?

Fuck you Anonymous 3.

Anonymous said...

who me? cuz this makes me anonymous 3! good work there Citizen X haha.

Eric said...

how do i contact the blog writers.

cause. news flash. jay mariotti is writing columns again.


pnoles said...

Hey Eric, thanks for the vigilance. We've already seen his new outlet to the world, and probably one of the biggest reasons that you haven't seen much of his stuff appear here is that back when he wrote for the Sun-Times, I probably posted about 75-80% of the Jay-related material that appeared here, and I've been too busy lately to post regularly. I have read some of his new stuff, and some of it merits getting made fun of here. I'm sure there'll be some Jay-related content to come.

You can contact us at

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