Tuesday, February 17, 2009

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

ESPN is paying Rick Reilly a kajillion dollars a year and he's receiving those paychecks in exchange for writing garbage like this. So I guess they've subsequently decided they're going to be sure they get their money's worth, and have invited him to start doing spots on SportsCenter. (I'm actually of the opinion that he's slightly better in person than he is in print. Not that he's unterrible in either medium, but I'm just saying I'd rather listen to him than read him.) He's currently narrating and appearing in their "Mount Rushmores of Sports" thing. Earlier tonight, in describing California's choice to include Magic Johnson, he had this to say:

He has always defied convention. A 6'9" point guard! A set-shot shooter! A 13 year veteran who celebrated and hugged like a rookie! And a guy who contracted HIV eighteen years ago, (emphasis his) but has never looked healthier!

Ooooooooooh. I don't want to be Debbie Downer, but... I'm not sure about that sequence.

Put into different words: He had an incredibly unique skillset for a guy his size! He scored from everywhere despite being averse to the jump shot! He was extremely exuberant and let his emotions show when his team succeeded! And to top it all off, he contracted one of the world's deadliest diseases, but has enough money to pay for treatments which have so far prevented it from killing him or even affecting his public appearance! What an athlete!

Thanks, Rick. You know, Jamal Lewis is one of the best NFL running backs of his generation! And he has continued his career with moderate success after serving time in prison on drug-related charges!

Oof.

16 comments:

CitizenX said...

This blog needs more professional comedy writers with huge hard-ons for Jacoby Ellsbury.

Chris W said...

Jesus H Rice Citizen X, where have you been lately?

Bengoodfella said...

Maybe Magic Johnson doesn't have AIDS because he is on steroids.

CitizenX said...

Maybe Magic Johnson and Flava Flav have a "portrait of Dorian Gray" style agreement.

Cornelius Talmidge said...

South Park hit the nail on the head pretty well--"we've discovered the cure for HIV--cold hard cash injected directly into your bloodstream!"

Bengoodfella said...

Yeah, that was an absolutely great episode. I would expect there to be a little bit more of an uproar about this, since it is obvious he doesn't have full blown AIDS because he can afford all sorts of treatments, or because he is the luckiest person ever. I guess not though.

This seems to me like a perfect case where the rich have access to medicine that normal people don't have access to. I could be wrong though.

Biggus Rickus said...

Or he could just be among the small percentage who progress slowly or seemingly not at all to full blown AIDS.

Either way, Rick Reilly is an asshat.

Martin said...

I hate Rick Rielly

dan-bob said...

Though the denotative use of the label "not full blown AIDS yet" might be somewhat limited in the sports journalism world, the connotative use has near-infinite possibilities.

[Roberto Alomar? too soon?]

pnoles said...

He's not just sure, he's HIV positive.

SOPPAN said...

You guys are like AIDs: old news and gay

Chris W said...

that's pretty funny. i'm going to steal that just like i stole the format for this site

Larry B said...

Oh no! Why would someone be so mean?

Tonus said...

So maybe Magic Johnson was really taking sterAIDS?

oh snap!

Jeff said...

What does "hugging like a rookie" even mean?

Chris W said...

stuntin' like my daddy?