Saturday, February 14, 2009

Tim McCarver Has Been a Complete Fucking Moron for at Least Fifteen Years

ESPN Classic was showing game 6 of the 1993 World Series (the Joe Carter game) earlier today. Our main man Timmy was in the booth. Now, when I first recognized that velvety tone, I thought to myself "Maybe he wasn't so stupid back then. This could even be enjoyable." Turns out... not so much. A couple choice pieces of dumbfuckery he managed to spew in the hour I watched:

Most people think "PM" is an abbreviation for "prime minister." But Paul Molitor (who had just hit a home run) is changing that, at least here in Canada.

1. A brief Google search reveals Molitor's nickname was "the Ignitor."
2. You can't just say that when someone does something cool, their initials replace a pre-existing abbreviation that is part of common knowledge.
3. Thanks for specifying that Americans probably don't think "prime minister" when they hear "PM."

During the climactic bottom of the 9th, after Rickey Henderson leads off the inning with a walk:

It is said that television is a visual medium. But that's not the case tonight in Philadelphia, because no one is watching.

Did he mean that no one was watching because they were covering their eyes, or because they had turned off their TVs? Either way, what a fucking dunce. This guy is still paid (presumably) huge sums of money to announce baseball games- and he was saying this kind of shit back in the early 90s. Imagine how much worse his brain works now as compared to then.

The sports media world is obviously not a meritocracy.

47 comments:

Biggus Rickus said...

It seems like it isn't a meritocracy, but when you consider that American Idol and Survivor and even worse shows pull huge numbers the dumbfuckery makes sense. Or in other words, most people aren't smart and aren't the kinds of fans who want actual information from their announcers.

Sopan said...

You know, I really enjoyed Fire Joe Morgan. Those guys were great...creative, intelligent, great writers. I keep coming back to this site for some god unknown reason hoping that you guys would be half as decent as Fire Joe Morgan and I can't help but be disappointed by your inconsistency. It's one thing to be critical of sports writers and be self righteous about it. God knows there are many morons in sports media, Mariotti being at the top. But it's another thing to be terrible at what you do and still be self righteous about it. It's embarrassing. It's always a bad sign when the stuff you're critiquing makes more sense than your follow-up. (ie: The Simmons Chat from a couple posts below - and Simmons has been bad in recent years, just not as much as you guys.) I just wish I hadn't wasted all this time trying to find a coherent, well-written post. Bring Back Fire Joe Morgan...please, get rid of these wannabees.

Chris W said...

Sorry Sopan!

Larry B said...

Oh no! We're not as good at comedy writing as a group of professional comedy writers? I've been wasting my time! THIS WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!!!!

Get fucked, Sopan.

Chris W said...

The best part is when we went around the blogosphere making sure to spam our site on comments, promising to be as good as FireJoeMorgan, only to bombard them with pop-up ads, embedded ads, flash ads, and spyware.

I guess what I meant to say is, the best part is when we begged Sopan to read this blog so we could make money off him or her.

Larry B said...

PS- Sopan thinks Tim McCarver is insightful and witty.

Sopan said...

I think some of these are fair responses. It's just unfortunate that you guys just have to be so bad at what you do. No one is expecting you to be as good as Fire Joe Morgan. But couldn't you be slightly more coherent, funny and you know, right, about the people you criticize? Really, quite embarrassing.

Larry B said...

Coherency and funniness are pretty subjective so I'll shrug my shoulders at those two. As for being right or wrong, that tends to be a little more objective. So since you're such a smart cookie and I'm such a dummy, could you point out something I/we've been wrong about recently? I'm curious.

Chris W said...

Dude, Sopan, I get that you're salty that we're not as good as FJoeM or whatever. And that you wish we were, but honestly, who gives a shit?

Are you really that upset about it that you have to take like, even five minutes out of your day to tell us how upset you were about how mediocre or bad or whatever we are?

There's about a million blogs on the internet. Probably about 50,000 about sports. I'd suggest going there instead of bothering with us. Sorry we couldn't make the grade in your eyes.

Jack M said...

Facts:

- Fire Joe Morgan was never not laugh out loud funny.
- Fire Joe Morgan was never wrong about anything.
- Fire Joe Morgan never reused certain jokes to the point that they became tired.

Larry B said...

Still waiting on what I/we have been wrong about in Sopan's opinion. I'm on pins and needles.

Chris W said...

who cares? He's just some guy with an unsolicited opinion about this site.

He's welcome to his opinion, but like, you know, whatever.

Alex said...

Where are you getting your facts? TMZ?

It's not 50 000 sports blogs. Don't mislead readers.

It's 50 011.

Chris W said...

Sorry Alex!

Sopan said...

"There's about a million blogs on the internet. Probably about 50,000 about sports. I'd suggest going there instead of bothering with us. Sorry we couldn't make the grade in your eyes."

Actually, this is a very good point. There are a million blogs on the internet. But frankly, none, at least that I have found, that have attempted to do what you do: Scrutinize "mainstream" sportswriters line-by-line in their generic garbage. Deadspin doesn't do this. TheBigLead doesn't do this. AA doesn't do this.

I just wish you guys had the talent to pull this off. It's fine that you guys don't. It's just that - why be pricks about it? Why be pricks about the fact that you guys simply aren't that good at scrutinizing the MSM? One guy, I'm not sure who, brought up the fact that you guys aren't professional writers as to why you guys aren't funny and coherent like the guys at the real FJM. And my question becomes, Isn't that the point of blogs? Are you saying that you have to be professional writers to be funny and knowledgeable? If that's the case, please stop plagiarizing other original ideas. It's an insult to FJM to do such a thing.

You guys have a great opportunity here to make a real impact. Don't cop out by saying "Yeah, the guys at Fire at Joe Morgan were professional writers so we can't hang with them in terms of being funny." Real unfortunate.

" Oh no! We're not as good at comedy writing as a group of professional comedy writers? I've been wasting my time! THIS WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!!!!"

Clearly. Look at that statement for a second. Why are you writing about sports, yet scrutinizing "professional sports writers"? If your implication is that you can't be funny because you're not professionals, then you clearly can't write about sports because, well, you're not a professional sports writer. It's a contradiction in terms. It's fair to say that the people writing for SNL right now are professionals. It doesn't make SNL funny and it still opens them up for criticism. Not from you guys obviously, because you guys are kind of terrible.

Sopan said...

"
- Fire Joe Morgan was never not laugh out loud funny.
- Fire Joe Morgan was never wrong about anything.
- Fire Joe Morgan never reused certain jokes to the point that they became tired."

Again, fair point. However, at least they were original, funny and smart at points far more than you guys.

Sopan said...

" Still waiting on what I/we have been wrong about in Sopan's opinion. I'm on pins and needles."

Very good point. It is unfair and inappropriate to criticize a blog without specific criticisms. If you can, e-mail me or private message me and I will give you instances where I think you guys are disgracing yourselves.

Chris W said...

"I just wish you guys had the talent to pull this off. It's fine that you guys don't. It's just that - why be pricks about it? Why be pricks about the fact that you guys simply aren't that good at scrutinizing the MSM? One guy, I'm not sure who, brought up the fact that you guys aren't professional writers as to why you guys aren't funny and coherent like the guys at the real FJM. And my question becomes, Isn't that the point of blogs? Are you saying that you have to be professional writers to be funny and knowledgeable? If that's the case, please stop plagiarizing other original ideas. It's an insult to FJM to do such a thing. "

Look dude, what's your fucking point? This blog isn't operated for profit. It doesn't spam itself on other blogs. I don't know how you fucking found this blog, but I can guarantee it isn't because we sought you out.

This blog was founded to amuse those who write for it and to amuse those who find it and enjoy. That's not say that we discourage outside readers, but we certainly aren't going out of our way to court them and we certainly aren't profiting off them.

I'm sorry you weren't amused by something that you'd hoped to be amused by, but too fucking bad. Your subjective opinion that this blog isn't amusing and that "we" aren't any good at writing or whatever pains us the slightest bit, but in the long run, just as you don't really care what we have to say about you as a blog commenter, we don't really care what you have to say in regards to us "disgracing ourself" in a blog with a readership of like, 40, at best.

Jesus Christ man....

Chris W said...

...seriously, dude. Queen out a little more.

Sopan said...

That's fine, Chris. I don't expect you to care about what I have to say. I am, after all, a lowly commenter. You get plenty of comments, most of them overwhelmingly positive. I personally believe otherwise.

"This blog was founded to amuse those who write for it and to amuse those who find it and enjoy. That's not say that we discourage outside readers, but we certainly aren't going out of our way to court them and we certainly aren't profiting off them."

That's fine. That doesn't mean you shouldn't hold yourselves to a higher standard, especially when your blog is based on being self righteous. The fact is = This is the Internet: You get found. I found this by typing in Fire Jay Mariotti, with the assumption that something would come up and lo and behold, something did. Are you going to cop out by saying, "Well, we didn't want you anyway!"? If you are, cool. I understand. It's jut unfortunate.


"I'm sorry you weren't amused by something that you'd hoped to be amused by, but too fucking bad. Your subjective opinion that this blog isn't amusing and that "we" aren't any good at writing or whatever pains us the slightest bit, but in the long run, just as you don't really care what we have to say about you as a blog commenter, we don't really care what you have to say in regards to us "disgracing ourself" in a blog with a readership of like, 40, at best."

Really though? You guys could have the readership of Deadspin if you guys wanted. Are you really going to settle for amusing each other? I know this is a blog. I know a blog allows you to do whatever you want with it. I know that if you want a blog to just amuse friends with it, that's cool, because a blog is versatile that way. But cokme on, this is a unique idea for a blog, which is saying a lot. You guys are clearly intelligent - why not attempt to be better with it?

Chris W said...

What are you, like, a life coach?

Enough pep talks man, we get it.

Sopan said...

I think my favorite part of the "ripping apart" of Simmons' latest chat is when you guys tried to A. rip his basketball knowledge when you guys don't have any. Yeah, clearly, Mo Williams at 18 PPG on 47% shooting on a title contender is, as you put it, "not even close" to being on the epic Devin Harris' level - who, on a bad team with more touches is putting up more PPG on a worse FG%. Yeah clearly, it's "not even close". I personally think that Harris should be on the team ahead of Mo. But to say it's "not even close" on a blog that focuses on wording...clumsy and embarassing.

Especailly when Mo averages more RPG, FG%, FT%, 3P% and less MPG.


And making fun of Simmons' not knowing Fitz' and Holmes' uniform numbers. HILARIOUS. SO FUNNY. IN A CHAT NO LESS. WOW. YOU GUYS ARE SO WITTY. WOW. My god...no wonder you guys don't strive to humor anyone else...you guys just don't have the ability.

Chris W said...

Touche.

Now that you've made your point so well, I think it's probably time for you to move on.

Meanwhile we'll have a "blog meeting" whereupon we'll decide that "maybe that Sopan guy has a point! We should start being funny now!"

Sound good? Kbye!

Sopan said...

"Touche.

Now that you've made your point so well, I think it's probably time for you to move on.

Meanwhile we'll have a "blog meeting" whereupon we'll decide that "maybe that Sopan guy has a point! We should start being funny now!"

Sound good? Kbye! "

I don't think this particular post is meant to put me down in any way because none of that is offending. Yet, I sense some sarcasm. I don't get it though, I guess I'm just too dense. What is a "blog" meeting? I get it! When you say, "We should start being funny now!", you're actually being facetious! So good.

You guys are like the Scoop Jackson to Ralph Wiley.

Chris W said...

Ok.

Tonus said...

The comments section just got totally fucking surreal. Admit it, Sopan is one of your neighbors and you put him up to this, right?

Jack M said...

@ Sopan

Every one of your specific complaints has been about Larry ripping on Bill Simmons. This coupled with the fact that you don't think it's idiotic that Simmons didn't know the numbers of the players he was betting on seems to prove that you're a slighted Simmons fan.

Sorry we actually go after main stream writers about all sports, unlike the Fire Joe Morgan guys, who were content digging up articles from the Western Kentucky Tribune to rip on some no name baseball writer's opinion.

Biggus Rickus said...

I get the impression that this Sopan guy doesn't think you guys are good at this blogging thing. I agree that you aren't as good as the original FJM, but fuck, is that the standard? You have to be great in order to be enjoyable?

Chris W said...

can we just let this thread die?

Larry B said...

No. I haven't gotten my $.02 in yet. For starters Sopan, I said we weren't AS funny as FJM, and that I was OK with that. I didn't say we shouldn't strive to be funny at all- we do, or at least I do. If I fall short of guys who get paid to write funny stuff for a living, again, that's something I can live with. Your implication that we are not funny, ever, at all, is quite the reach. Read through our archives. I'm sure you'll chuckle at least once every couple of hours.

Also, how am I supposed to email or "PM" you when your blogger profile is blocked? Drop us a line at firejaymariotti@gmail.com. I'm still waiting for an actual example of me being wrong. Me being hyperbolic about the difference between Williams and Harris hardly counts.

Finally, based on everything you've said and the axe you obviously have to grind, I'm going to agree with my esteemed colleague Jack M and guess that you are a Simmons fan. If that's the case, I'd like to reiterate my original sentiment and recommend that you go get fucked. If not, I apologize for the assumption.

Cool? Cool.

Martin said...

Look cocknocker, your surreal, above the clouds, tut tut approach to criticizing a blog that you've obviously barely read is tiring to those of us who do read it. These guys can be witty, profound, profane, deranged, biased and routine. What they aren't here for is to measure up to your fucknut standards of comedy. Go put on another Carlos Mencia dvd you bitch and sip your fucking wine cooler in joy, while leaving the rest of us in peace. Your "standards" are non-existant, your written approach is pathetic, your point is meandering, wayward, and pointless. You make the Rickster look like a goddamn Pulitzer winner in comparison, and he's been mailing it in with Forever Stamps since before the New Year.

You Simmons lovin' wankers need to learn to read what the man is really putting down on paper, and listen to what he's really saying in his podcasts. At least hold him as accountable for what he does in his "Free flowing" and partially SCRIPTED and EDITED podacst as you do to the guys writing this blog.

Now get the hell out of OUR section so that Ton and Ben and the rest of us can revel in absent minded commentary, that doesn't revolve around fart jokes, booze and tits like on the sites that "get so much more traffic".

Fuckin' spearcarriers.

Angelo said...

larryb (the word verification is lairyq, weird): check out the ombudsman's column, which is one of her worst, but specifically the notes at the end. Grab some tissues before you do.

This site sucks. I wish you guys would be funnier. Entertain me!

Cornelius Talmidge said...

Sopan, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: you are a terrible writer. As Martin pointed out, you have an incoherent, stream-of-consciousness style lacking structure and forethought of any kind. Add to that the fact that you aren't funny, and it means that you are completely unqualified for literary criticism.

Sopan said...

I dropped an e-mail to you guys, as requested.

Sopan said...

"Sopan, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: you are a terrible writer. As Martin pointed out, you have an incoherent, stream-of-consciousness style lacking structure and forethought of any kind. Add to that the fact that you aren't funny, and it means that you are completely unqualified for literary criticism."

Again, the humor is just...so...good. You are criticizing my comments the same way I criticized the blog writers. I get it. THAT IS SO GOOD. You guys should write for SNL or something. WOW.

Larry B said...

Thanks for the email. As I guessed would happen, you found a lot of instances where you subjectively disagree with me, or where you think my analysis reaches too far or draws conclusions it shouldn't. You haven't, however, found a single place where I was objectively wrong. And that was what I was worried about. I'm OK with people disagreeing with my opinions, I just don't want to ever make the kinds of objective mistakes paid sportswriters make all the time. So thanks for putting my mind to rest. Sorry we don't meet your standards for comedy. Maybe you should head back to TBL or Deadspin- those sites are full of commenters whose style probably suits your taste much better. (Plus, sometimes TBL puts up pictures of hot chicks. Pretty awesome if you ask me.)

Larry B said...

Also, a quick Google search on Sopan reveals that he's currently attending college in Boston. Hats off, again, to Jack for sniffing our the reason his panties are in such a bundle. It's OK, Sopan, we can admit- we're just jealous of Bill because he's so much more successful than us.

Sopan said...

"
Also, a quick Google search on Sopan reveals that he's currently attending college in Boston. Hats off, again, to Jack for sniffing our the reason his panties are in such a bundle. It's OK, Sopan, we can admit- we're just jealous of Bill because he's so much more successful than us. "

Well, as I said before, Simmons has sucked the past couple years in general. I am a huge fan of his earlier work. But the issue with your blog has nothing to do with your criticism of Simmons. In fact, the piece I criticized in the e-mail wasn't even Simmons. I don't have the years it would require to point out all the holes in your Simmons chat "analysis". My issue is with the blog in general. You guys ripped off an original idea...are self righteous pricks about it....and have so many posts grasping at straws. It's so disappointing.

I did however enjoy the Jemele Hill piece. Good for you guys for not screwing up the easiest hit job possible.

Cornelius Talmidge said...

"'Sopan, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: you are a terrible writer. As Martin pointed out, you have an incoherent, stream-of-consciousness style lacking structure and forethought of any kind. Add to that the fact that you aren't funny, and it means that you are completely unqualified for literary criticism.'"

"Again, the humor is just...so...good. You are criticizing my comments the same way I criticized the blog writers. I get it. THAT IS SO GOOD. You guys should write for SNL or something. WOW."

Are you retarded?

Larry B said...

You guys ripped off an original idea...

If you think FJoeM came up with this format, you are very wrong.

are self righteous pricks about it....

Our act is working!

and have so many posts grasping at straws.

It's not easy but someone has to do it.

It's so disappointing.

Again- we are so, so, so, so sorry. If we knew we were going to let you down, we never would have begged you to come here and promised that if you did you would find us even funnier than FJoeM.

PS- I checked out some of the work you've done for the Daily Free Press. You're not exactly on the way to winning any Pulitzers yourself, bud. You use, a lot of sentences, which, have a lot, of commas in, them, and tend to eventually, become run-ons, but hey at, least you're, not unfunny and self-righteous, like us, are you.

Chris W said...

The worst part of our hubris is the part where we don't claim we're ripping off FJoeM in our header.

Can you believe it?

Look--why do people rip on blogs in the comments? Because they like to feel important and get lots of attention.

Most people when they read a blog they don't like, they just, you know, stop reading it. So, um...I guess what I'm saying is: let this thread die.

Martin said...

The beginner imitates, the true artist steals.

Fred Trigger said...

I think Sopan drank too much haterade.

"If you think FJoeM came up with this format, you are very wrong."

Out of curiousity, who did come up with that format?

Fred Trigger said...

For what its worth, coming from a New England sports fan, I think you guys are funny as hell, even though you guys hate on my teams.

Sopan said...

"PS- I checked out some of the work you've done for the Daily Free Press. You're not exactly on the way to winning any Pulitzers yourself, bud. You use, a lot of sentences, which, have a lot, of commas in, them, and tend to eventually, become run-ons, but hey at, least you're, not unfunny and self-righteous, like us, are you. "

I'll be the first to admit this. Most of that stuff with the Daily Free Press is pretty terrible. Hopefully, I improve over time.

"...but hey at, least you're, not unfunny and self-righteous, like us, are you. "

I don't know what this even means.

"
Look--why do people rip on blogs in the comments? Because they like to feel important and get lots of attention.

Most people when they read a blog they don't like, they just, you know, stop reading it. So, um...I guess what I'm saying is: let this thread die."

I like the concept of this blog. Not the execution, hence why I come back - hoping it gets better. I don't think that's unfair. Yes, I'm doing this for the attention. If I was truly doing this for the "attention" of some guys I don't even really know, I would post anonymously. You guys already know more about me than I know about any of you personally. Thank goodness you guys gave me all this attention. I was really hoping for that.

CHart said...

Alright guys, the gig has gone on long enough... (Rips off rubber mask). I am SOPAN. My ongoing battle with Jarrett as the least relevant member of this blog drove me to the comments section, where I knew I could bait CDub and Larry by making poorly formed arguments and being pro Simmons. I apologize to anyone who actually read this horrible thread.

Jack M said...

(stands up)

I am Sopan!