ThMTMQR: Face, Meet Keyboard, Keyboard, Face

It's a busy time of year, meaning I'm down to about a post per week.  And it's pretty stupid of me to spend back to back weeks dissecting Greggggggggggggggg's tripe.  I apologize in advance.

The United States Postal Service might be losing billions of dollars, but much of the National Football League tried to bail it out by mailing it in this week. 

That's probably the best joke he's ever written.  D minus.

To say many teams mailed it in this week actually is sugarcoating. They didn't even phone it in. They barely bothered to text it in.

DID THEY EMAIL IT?  WHAT ABOUT CARRIER PIGEONS LOL.  OK, you had a decent thing going, and then you got excited, took it too far, and ruined it.  That's fine, it happens to a lot of 5 year olds the first time they discover what jokes are and that it's enjoyable to make people laugh.  Learn from the experience.

Eric Decker of Denver beat Cary Williams of Baltimore for a 51-yard touchdown. Once Decker broke into the clear, Williams came to a stop and watched him, not bothering to pursue. 

Patently untrue.  Watch the highlight.  Horrible coverage, yes.  Stopping and watching, absofuckinglutely not.  God, he really gets off on accusing players of giving up on plays.  What a zilch.

Later, Denver's Knowshon Moreno jogged across the goal line untouched as the Ravens' front seven stood watching.

Fuck you.

Detroit trailed Arizona 24-10 but was still alive with the ball on the Cardinals' 2 in the fourth quarter. Someone ran the wrong pattern, 

No.

as two receivers went to the short left corner of the end zone. 

No.

The pass was intercepted by Greg Toler. Wide receiver Kris Durham, the Detroit player closest to Toler, casually jogged to about the 10-yard line 

No, he was in a dead sprint, trying to catch Toler.  The problem is that he is not fast and Toler is.

and then just stopped and watched as Toler went 102 yards for a touchdown, making no attempt to chase down the play.

This time he is mostly right, everyone stopped.  This is because Toler had a convoy of about twenty Cardinals with him, and is probably faster than everyone on Detroit's offense except first round megabucks glory boy Calvin Johnson.

Seattle's Marshawn Lynch was running for a touchdown with only Buffalo's Da'Norris Searcy between him and pay dirt. At the goal line, Searcy stepped out of Lynch's way so he would not have to exert himself by attempting a tackle. 

Not really.  And what if Searcy had hit Lynch after he was across the goal line?  What DIRTY UNETHICAL play that would have been!  That sounds like something a weasel coach would tell his players to do!  

He goes on like this.  For paragraphs.  It's incredibly tedious.  You know what they say about someone who constantly goes out of their way find a perspective that allows them to indignantly spout off about the on-field character of people who play professional sports for a living (usually without any basis in fact): they deserve to be punched in the testicles.

Philip Rivers dropped back into the pocket and, without being touched by anyone, fumbled. The Chargers gained 164 offensive yards playing at home.

Well, that's actually 100% true.  And enjoyable to watch.

The Giants and Ravens are strong teams that played poorly; 

NO THAT'S NOT TRUE THE RAVENS QUIT.  YOU COULD TELL BY WATCHING THE GAME AND THEN IMAGINING THAT THEY QUIT ON EVERY PLAY.

the Bills, Bucs, Chargers, Chiefs, Jaguars, Jets, Lions and Raiders simply quit. 

QUITTING QUITTERS, ALL OF THEM.  EVERY PLAYER ON THOSE TEAMS HAS A GUARANTEED CONTRACT FOR NEXT SEASON, WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE ALL QUITTING NOW.

And it wasn't just players who quit. Many coaching staffs quit on Sunday's games, too. Norv Turner, job in jeopardy, nevertheless looked bored on the sideline as his charges were embarrassed at home. 

Holy shit, have you watched an NFL game in the last 15 years?  What do you think Norv usually looks like?

The NFL is a year-round enterprise that, for 20 of 32 teams, builds up to only 16 games. Every quarter ought to matter. Thousands of hours of offseason preparation, then teams simply quit when the playoffs become out of reach. Even if 

DIE DIE DIE DIE.  You are atrocious.

In other football news, TMQ maintains that sports stars who hold records should be honest about hoping their records stand. Thus it was refreshing to hear that Eric Dickerson does not want Adrian Peterson to break the single-season rushing record. Dickerson says he wishes Peterson well, just hopes he pulls up shy of the mark. This is being honest. It's great to hold a record. Why should any athlete root to be bested?

And why should anyone write in the vernacular of 17th century England?

Sweet Defensive Plays of the Week: The score tied with 1:34 remaining in regulation, the visiting Steelers had first-and-10 on their 46, holding three timeouts, and seemed ideally positioned to drive to a winning field goal. Dallas showed an unusual blitz alignment 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and got a sack. 

/Larry B faints

Because the Broncos yield the tiebreaker to New England, Denver needs at least one more victory to attain a bye week. 

A basic grasp on tiebreaker rules, or the ability to look them up on the internet machine, would reveal that Denver most likely has to win both of its remaining games to keep the second seed and the bye.  Or, if New England somehow loses its last two, Denver could also keep the bye even if they also lost their last two.  He's wrong in two different ways here.  Nice.

The Broncs' final regular-season foes are Kansas City and Cleveland, combined record 7-21. This puts Denver in the driver's seat for resting starters in the regular-season finale, 

If both Denver and New England win in week 16, that will not be happening.

followed by a week off -- the very situation in which Peyton Manning tended to falter in Indianapolis.

OHHHHH.  Now we see why he went down that road--it helped him preach a tired old narrative about heart, and effort, and gloryboyship, or some bullshit like that.  PS-which round was Peyton drafted in?  Thought so.

Sweet 'N' Sour Play of the Week: Dallas leading Pittsburgh 3-0, the Boys had first-and-10 on the Steelers' 17. Little-used safety Robert Golden entered the contest. Tony Romo noticed and audibled to a seam route for tight end Jason Witten to run directly at Golden. Touchdown: sweet.

Perhaps you assume Golden was the sour player on this down. 

But you would be wrong, because he was signed as an undrafted free agent and has never made a mistake in his life.

Veteran linebacker Lawrence Timmons ignored Witten, letting him run past; veteran defensive back Ryan Clark ignored Witten, letting him run past. 

Probably because that was what the defensive play called for.

Timmons and Clark are experienced performers. They knew a green guy had just come in and was likely to be targeted, yet ignored the receiver heading toward the green guy. Sour.

Yeah, it would have been better for them to abandon the scheme and leave giant holes in the defense by triple covering Witten.  Classic glory boy move, not bending over backwards to accommodate the undrafted player who doesn't really belong on the field.

Unified Field Theory of Creep: John Denny of Big Rapids, Mich., reports, "Just read the January 2013 issue of Car and Driver, which featured a review of the 2015 Volkswagen Golf TDI, a car that won't be available in the U.S. until 2014." 

A magazine?  Reporting on topics of interest to its readers?  What next?!?!?!?!

Matt Coombs of Lynn, Mass., reports the 2014 GMC Sierra went on sale Dec. 13, 2012.

OK, I will admit that that's a little dumb.

Brees complained angrily to officials when City of Tampa defenders didn't hustle to get back to the line as seconds ticked down before halftime. So just snap the ball, and the Bucs are offside!

And already in the offensive backfield, ready to concuss you a quarter of a second after you get the snap!

The Falcons leading the defending champion Giants 34-0 just inside the two-minute warning, Atlanta reached first-and-goal. Mike Smith had his backups in and had them kneel. Now that's class.

TAKE NOTES, SCHIANO.  YOUR ATTEMPTS TO WIN GAMES BY FORCING TURNOVERS WILL BE THE END OF YOU.

Offseason Blame Game Starts Early: What exactly was accomplished by the Ravens' firing Cam Cameron -- known to this column as the Crafty, Clever, Cunning Cam Cameron -- 

/projectile vomit into nearby houseplant

By firing Cameron now -- rather than this past offseason, when the offensive coordinator position could have turned over in an orderly manner -- Ravens coach John Harbaugh sent the signal that he expects yet another playoff collapse and wants an excuse lined up. At the postgame media event following the playoff collapse Harbaugh/East appears to expect, he can blame Cameron for the team's troubled offense. Firing an assistant coach just before the playoffs isn't a bold move to invigorate the team. It's a desperate move about blame shifting.

If the Ravens had fired Cameron after the season: "By firing his offensive coordinator now, rather than during midseason when something might have been done about the team's offense, Harbaugh sent the signal that he wants to shift blame away from himself."  Don't get me wrong, it was a dumb move, but you can just smell Gregg's insincere posturing coming right off the page.

Your columnist put himself through college, doing so partly by taking extra classes so I earned a bachelor's degree in three and a half years, 

Here's your fucking sticker.

cutting out one semester of expense. 

And not being liked by anyone.

Jiminy Cricket: 

GODFREY DANIELS!!!!

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk: Its season on the verge of implosion, Philadelphia faced fourth-and-goal on the Cincinnati 1, score tied at 10, in the final minute of the first half. 

You know what's coming: just remember, going for it on 4th down always works, because even if you fail and lose the game, you have inspired your team and when they win a Super Bowl 15 years later, it can all be traced back to that gutsy call.

"Last Resort" Update: 

Finally!  Why not lead off the column with this item?

Giants at Ravens on Christmas Eve Eve might in effect be an elimination game both ways.

DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT LOL   #funnycoffeemugsfrom1983

Public-company boards of directors approve this kind of insider luxury because most boards rubber-stamp whatever the CEO wants. Supposedly boards of directors are keeping watch on management. In practice they are lapdogs concerned with maintaining the lavish fees they receive for practically no work. 

BREAKING SCANDAL ALERT!  SOMEONE CALL THE SEC!  I've got another new one for you: sometimes, people cheat on their taxes.

If boards of directors are selling out workers and shareholders to pamper the CEO, are they also pampering themselves? 

YES, YOU MORON.  Holy moly.  Why are you presenting this like you just discovered the cure for polio?

San Francisco is 3-2 versus clubs likely to make the playoffs and next faces the surging Bluish Men Group. San Francisco will hold Seattle to fewer than 50 points.

THE DECIDING FACTOR: WHICH TEAM'S COACH IS MORE WEASILIER.

Good Seats Were Available: Facing Arizona in the season's first bowl game, Nevada gained 659 yards on offense, made 39 first downs and lost. In the Florida 8A state title game, Cypress Bay scored 50 points and lost.

We are not in 1930.  No one is amazed by this.  No one.  And yet, every week, there it is.

For the Bills, their performance was what looked bad. The Bills now are 1-4 in "home" games at Toronto and seem to save their worst for what ought to be an important marketing opportunity. 

Your grasp on the nuances of the possible Bills relocation is really impressive.

On Sunday, there was more derisive laughter from the Rogers Centre crowd than cheering. Toronto Star columnist Cathal Kelly opined, "Caring about the Buffalo Bills must be a real downer. Glad we don't have that problem." One doesn't encounter many sports columns with a reference to August Strindberg.

HO HO HO, INDEED!  No, I don't know who he is either.  But enough about August Strindberg, is the new Star Trek movie going to portray intergalactic travel accurately or not?

In the Miami-Jacksonville collision, 

Even your attempts to use slang come off sounding pretentious.

Bonus College Score: Marian (Ind.) University 30, Morningside (Iowa) College 27 (NAIA championship). Located in Indianapolis, Marian of Indiana 

OH MY GOD WHO GIVES A SHIT.  There has to be a local newspaper in central Montana who will hire this guy away from ESPN and have him cover nothing but Division III football year round.  Please.  I'll chip in to buy the plane ticket for his interview.

Starting 9

Hello! This is Jerry Crasnick, and I'm making a guest post here on Fire Jay Mariotti to present my weekly Starting 9!

Doubles. Home runs. Hits. Everything-but-sacrifices-walks-and-beanballs. What do all of these things have in common? You need to have an at-bat to accumulate ANY of them! It's a little-known fact that Jimmy Rollins set the MLB record for at-bats last season with 716, and propelled by his ability to get up to that plate and log at-bats at a tremendous pace, he won an MVP award. Also, when you go to MLB.com and go to the "Sortable Player Stats" page, how are all the players sorted by default? That's right. At-bats. No question they're important.

This week's edition of "Starting 9" takes a position-by-position look at the players who are the current frontrunners to take the at-bat crown by storm. In addition, we're going to assign a rating to each player on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being, "Hey, this guy's totally overachieving at-bat-wise, he has no prayer of keeping this up" nand 10 being, "Don't look now, Rollins, your record's in severe jeopardy!"

1. Ivan Rodriguez, Tigers C
(89 ABs, 1 triple)

Okay, so there were actually 3 guys who were worthy of the catcher's slot on this list. Brian McCann of Atlanta and Kurt Suzuki of Oakland both had the same number of at-bats. So why choose Rodriguez? Well, Rodriguez has logged his impressive 89 ABs in the fewest plate appearances of the three, needing only 98 (ouch, Brian McCann's 99). Rodriguez is simply one of the most effective players in the game at logging an at-bat when he gets up to that dish. However, his decline in effectiveness is concerning. He's already drawn 5 walks this year (he drew 9 all of last season), and he's even gotten hit by a pitch twice.

At-Bat Rating: 4 I-Rod has impressed the world by getting more than 500 ABs in each of his last 5 seasons. But he's a catcher, and while he's durable, he won't be able to log enough at-bats to be among the league leaders at season's end. Plus, he's batted near the top of the order plenty due to Curtis Granderson's early injury. That won't keep now that Granderson is back.

2. Derrek Lee, Cubs 1B
(103 ABs, 1 intentional walk)

You've gotta feel uneasy about this one. Lee seems to have it all. He bats 3rd in a lineup that scores a lot of runs. He has all the job security in the world. He draws an above-average, but not insane amount of those at-bat killing walks. So why worry? Well, as we know, Lee is fairly injury prone. You can't rack up at-bats from a stretcher. Plus, the steady Mark Teixeira is right on his heels, needing only one more at-bat to pull even with Lee. And Teixeira gets like 4 or 5 of those every game! Best of luck, Derrek.

At-Bat Rating: 2. If he's leading first basemen in at-bats when this season is done, I'll eat my hat. Luckily my hat is made out of candy.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox 2B
(111 ABs, 44 Total Bases)

Another one of those plate-appearance tiebreakers. Mark Ellis also has 111, but he's got one fewer plate appearance. Plus, there's something else that Pedroia has going for him. He's a leadoff hitter in a potent lineup. He's going to get a lot of At-Bat opportunities. Mark Ellis is only batting 2nd, and Oakland's lineup is more in a state of flux than that of the Red Sox. The fans love him, and he has all the job security in the world.

"Pedroia keeps himself in the best shape possible to avail himself to at-bat opportunities in every game," said one MLB scout. "You don't find that kind of determination in just anybody."

At-Bat Rating: 8.5. Good health + good lineup + best lineup spot for at-bats = Pedroia's got something special working for him in this category.

4. Cristian Guzman, Nationals SS
(110 ABs, 38 Groundouts)

Cristian Guzman being talked about for leading an offensive category? You betcha. Guzman has logged 4 more at-bats than the next closest shortstop in two less games. There's no question that this has been what has enabled Guzman to be 4th in the majors among shortstops in the "hits" category. What's the secret? Well for starters, he's a 2-hole hitter. Also, his at-bat efficiency is startlingly good. Guzman has logged 110 at-bats in 116 plate appearances. That's nearly a 95% clip, and it's his absolute refusal to draw a walk that helps him. Take a free pass? No sir! This guy's going to earn his way on!

At-Bat Rating: 6.5. Guzman, despite his awesome at-bat propelled start, has historically not been very good at baseball, and job security is all I'm worrying about here. He could tank. But MLB pitchers are just not afraid of him, and will rarely walk him with Zimmerman and Johnson right behind him.

5. Kevin Kouzmanoff, Padres 3B
(113 ABs, .327 SLG)

Ladies and gentlemen, your current 2008 at-bat champion of the world! Kouz leads fellow 3rd basemen Garrett Atkins by one at-bat, despite drawing one more walk (3) than Atkins (2). Kouzmanoff has not had less than 4 at-bats in a game since April 7th, and that stretch includes a stunning 9-at-bat performance in the seemingly endless game against Colorado on April 17th.

"His ability," commented teammate Jake Peavy, "to stay in the lineup that day was remarkable. He never got pinch ran for, never got double-switched. It was almost as if he was willing [Bud Black] to keep running him out there. And what did he do? Led the team in hits."

At-Bat Rating: 1.5. There's no way that Kouz can continue to avoid the base-on-balls. He's always been good at that, but never THIS good. Also, if he continues to perform this poorly, Chase Headley may threaten his starting job. And let's not forget, 22 inning games are a fluke.

6. Carl Crawford, Rays LF
(110 AB, 1 Caught Stealing)

Crawford leads all outfielders in at-bats despite trailing his closest competitors for that title in games played. He's a very exciting player who hasn't had less than 584 at-bats in the past 5 years. Crawford is also younger than you might think (26) and doesn't seem to have the off-field problems of other Rays (a bar fight, Al Reyes? Really?) and former Rays. Being the face of the franchise won't hurt his playing time. Oh and lets not forget the best part: 2 walks this year. Crawford has only been to the plate 113 times. That's the highest efficiency on this list.

At-Bat Rating: 8. Crawford has had a history of walkophobia, and as a fan-favorite who finds himself in the 3-hole, there's reason to believe he'll shatter his personal single-season games played record of 156. Keep your eyes on this one, America.

7. Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners CF
(109 ABs, 434 pitches seen)

Absolutely no suprise here. Suzuki has only missed 3 games over the last 4 seasons. His single-season at-bat record is 704, which only falls 12 shy of Rollins's monstrous seven-one-six. He has never logged less than 647 in a season. He'd be in the At-Bat Hall of Fame had he not joined the majors at the relatively old age of 27. Suzuki is a Mariners icon, and can pretty much be cemented in that leadoff hole for every game of the season. If the Mariners' offense can keep the line moving (I'm looking at YOU, Sexson), this guy has the best chance in baseball to record 717 at-bats.

At-Bat Rating: 10. There is absolutely nothing not to like here.

8. Jeff Francoeur, Braves RF
(102 ABs, 0.0 SB%)

Okay, right field must be some sort of at-bat void. Francoeur is 7th in the league among outfielders, and first among the starboard variety. Little known fact about Francoeur: he appeared in every Braves game in 2006 and 2007. However, the fact that his spot is further down in the batting order than most of the others on this list has crippled him. Despite a superbly low amount of walks, Frenchy's brief career high in at-bats is 651. He's as good a bet as any to land over 630 at-bats this season, but his odds at coming anywhere near the league lead are almost nil.

At-Bat Rating: 5. He's consistently good at racking up the at-bats, but until they start putting him higher in the batting order, this guy's got no shot at the crown.

9. Micah Owings, Diamondbacks P
(18 AB .865 OPS)

Man, can this guy flat out HIT! If there's one thing Owings has shown, it's that his bat might belong in the lineup more than once every five games. He's the best hitting pitcher of this generation, and for that reason, it's clear that he's the frontrunner for the at-bat crown amongst pitchers. There's simply little reason to pinch hit for him. However, as you may have guessed, his ability to keep getting at-bats is reliant on his ability to get hitters out on the mound. Not getting pinch-hit for is one thing, avoiding getting the hook on the other side of the ball is quite another.

At-Bat Rating: 1. So long as he's a pitcher and only a pitcher, he'll be among the best hurlers at raking up at-bats, but when's the last time a pitcher has been even close to the league lead?

BONUS SUPER AWESOME TENTH GUY YOU GET TO READ ABOUT.

David Ortiz, Red Sox DH
(96 AB, 6 doubles)

Even I can learn something new and uninteresting. Apparently, DHs aren't high at-bat guys. Ortiz has struggled with his offense overall thus far, but those at-bats are sure to come rolling in, as Boston refuses to lose faith in him. Boston needing to play games at National League parks further prevent him from coming close to the record.

At-Bat Rating: 1.5. Far, far too many walks, there David.

Well that's all from me, FireJay! Thanks for letting me stop on by!

Jerry Crasnick covers baseball for ESPN.com. He swears he has said something interesting in his life. His book "License To Deal" was published by Rodale. He is the 2-time winner of the Paul DePodesta Trophy, given to the person working at ESPN who looks up a lot of stats, but doesn't have much else to say. He was featured on the cover of "Useless Weekly Column" magazine. Jerry can be reached via e-mail

I can't remember for the life of me why I thought that was worth my time.

My Mealticket: MLB.tv

Hello faithful readers of the 38th most successful Fire(Blank)(Blank) blog with a blogspot address! The big man upstairs, Larry B, thought this blog could use some fresh thoughts so he offered me a spot in the lineup. This was before Eriz came back with a vengeance today, so now it’s like you’re getting two new bloggers in one! It should be noted that LarryB and I go way back (hence my eagerness to make fun of his articles)-- he’s not just picking up riff-raff off the street to write here. I earned this spot through years of half-heartedly participating in his fantasy leagues and complaining about local sports teams with him. For those of you who follow the blog regularly, I’m also known as Chris Hart. Yes, I still hate this blog as much as I used to, but now I get to combine it with the rest of my self-hatred, so it works out.

I don’t consider myself to be a “stat” guy at all, probably just barely above the average fan’s knowledge of the game. So the things that jump out at me are usually going to be particularly annoying/egregious/lazy on the part of the journalist. Luckily for me, I have a job that allows me to listen to mlb.tv while working. It lets me listen in on April afternoon games between the Yankees and Royals, and catch a whiff of this type of thing: from Royals color man Paul Splittorff when the subject of A-Rod’s postseason struggles comes up--

“That goes back to his days with the Seattle Mariners.”

Ugh, come on man. You’re paid to pay attention to baseball. A-Fraud’s stats in three postseason series with the Mariners:

’97 ALDS: .313/.313/.563
’00 ALDS: .308/.308/.308
’00 ALCS: .409/.480/.773

As someone who watches about 10 total AL games a season (Bill Simmons League Bias Alert!) I even knew about Fillet-Rod’s success in Seattle and NY pre Game 4 ’04 ALCS. You’ve been the Royals color commentator since 1987 (according to wikipedia), you should know better than this.

I hope my posts don't become a running string of horrible announcing from local broadcast teams, but the first week of the season hasn't led me to think otherwise.

And Barry Bonds Is The Only Athlete Ever To Take Steroids

ESPN college basketball analyst (I almost put quotation marks around analyst, but I'm not that lame) Hubert Davis, offering his thoughts earlier tonight about North Carolina's chances in the tournament:

What I like about Tyler Hansbrough is that he's the only player in the country who always gives 100% effort on both ends of the court.

Really? The one and only? Singular? You're an idiot.

This Is Nitpicking. Or Is It?

I like reading things that have a nice, smooth flow to them.

It's hard to explain what I'm talking about.

I mean, I'm not (nor will I ever be) a good writer.

But I can tell you that when an article contains too many one sentence paragraphs, it becomes annoying to read.

Choppy formatting is distracting.

When two sentences are about the same general idea, it's ok to let them touch each other.

They're not going to cancel each other out or something.

Do you know what I mean?

Bill Plaschke sure doesn't.

Five minutes into spring cleaning, and Matt Kemp and I are already having a fight.

"I'll buy," I said, holding out my credit card to the man working the cash register at Mack Daddy's, a soul food place next to his gym on a cluttered street.

"No, no, no," he said, pulling out a large bill to pay for his food.

"Listen," I said. "I buy for young players. I always have. When you make the big money, you can buy mine."

"No, dude," he said, firmly. "I can pay my own way."

He gets a plate full of catfish nuggets. I get a side dish of insight.

Five minutes into spring cleaning, and already I like Matt Kemp better than last year.

What seemed like clubhouse defiance is now calm confidence.

That deer-in-the-headlights look has become an unfettered focus.

"Last year when I heard that trade talk, I got really scared," Kemp said. "I wanted to call Ned Colletti and say, 'Please, please, let me stay.' I love the fans. I love my friends. I love the Dodgers.' "

He shakes his head with a relieved smile.

"Now that I'm still here, it's time to show Los Angeles how much fun we can have by staying together," he said. "It's time to make some history."

The Dodgers listened. The Dodgers bought. Now the entire Dodgers nation will be watching.

Matt Kemp will pay his own way?

The Dodgers' season depends on it.

Their unwillingness to deal him prevented them from obtaining this winter's top traded pitchers -- Johan Santana, Erik Bedard or Dan Haren.

The Dodgers believe that by keeping his cannon in the middle of their lineup, Kemp would blow enough smoke to shroud the hole at the top of their rotation.

"The Dodgers had an opportunity to move him," said Dave Stewart, Kemp's agent. "But they see the value."

Kemp saves them money. He saves them angry questions from fans who want to see the Dodgers kids grow together.

Now Matt Kemp has to save the season.

I'll cut him a break for the dialog he shared with Kemp because that exchange is best captured with multiple paragraph breaks. But even if you exclude that little segment, you've still got ten paragraphs with exactly one sentence in this part of the article. Most of the other paragraphs have two. (The rest of the article isn't much different.) As my extremely obnoxious and over the top intro demonstrates, that's a pain in the ass to read. I have no idea why Plaschke gets paid to put his thoughts into words. I guess the world needs both Gods and clods. Plus, someone on Around The Horn has to occasionally out-moron Mariotti, right? Feel free to leave comments in
Bill Plaschke's style.

I'm Speechless

Jay Mariotti actually took the time to write this in his 24/7 online column. I couldn't be more shocked. I'll copy the entire thing here, and it's short. I refuse to link it for fear it may increase the number of hits this terrible terrible "sports" column gets.

Find your earplugs: Harrelson back

Jay is referring to the White Sox resigning Hawk Harrelson, the poor broadcaster, for the next several years.

Ensuring that illiteracy remains in the Chicago sports media for four more years, the White Sox have handed a contract extension to alleged broadcaster Ken (Hawk) Harrelson.

This is not a reason to write a column. You are abusing your privilege as a columnist for a personal attack. This as a premise for a column alone should be grounds for giving you a pink slip.

This means listeners in an otherwise sophisticated town will be punished with more hillbilly twang,

You heard it here first: Ken Harrelson is the only non-sophisticated thing in an "otherwise sophisticated town". Isn't this the city where some dude ran onto the field plastered to try to attack a first base coach with a knife in one stadium, while in the other people throw their garbage onto the field whenever the team plays bad late in the game? Are these "sophisticated" things to do? Walk around Wrigley Field in the 7th inning of a baseball game, and you'll see and hear just how "sophisticated" Chicago really is.

which is almost as embarrassing as Harrelson's .239 career batting average

ZING!

and his short-term flop as the general manager who fired Tony La Russa.

He fired the guy who felt Aaron Rowand was a better late-game hitting option than Albert Pujols? Tony La Russa is not now, nor ever has been, a good Major League Baseball manager. And even if he were, managers don't do that much.

Now Jay, try to relate this bullshit to something actually about baseball.

When the Sox should be attempting to reinvent an organization that already has lost its World Series cachet, they instead try to stay the same.

I hate to admit it, but I actually agree with Jay here.

Ken Harrelson, WARBs (Wins Above Replacement Broadcaster) for the past 5 years.

2003: 3.2
2004: 2.1
2005: 0.4
2006: -4.7 (oh boy...)
2007: -10.4

So as you can see, it was the broadcaster who profoundly and negatively affected the team's performance in 2007 (and possibly costed them a playoff berth in 2006), and not aging players, regression to the mean, Jerry Owens, or, as Jay believed, Ozzie being crazy and stupid. It was all about Ken Harrelson being crazy and stupid. This organization has just doomed itself.

Harrelson doesn't bring in audiences as much as he scares them away or makes them cringe, whether it's throwing one of his dead-air fits, blaming every loss on the umps or lowering himself to pick fights with media members far more professional and accomplished than him.

Ooooh hooooh hooooooooooooooh! It gets juicy!

The fact behind this comment is that Harrelson allegedly tried to pick a fight with Jay Mariotti in the press box.

As much as I believe Harrelson to be a bad broadcaster now (he wasn't as awful say, 10 years ago), let's look at the facts here for a second!

Ken Harrelson played Major League Baseball. He was the General Manager of a Major League Baseball team. He has been the TV broadcaster for said team for 2 decades or so.

Jay Mariotti writes a sports column for a newspaper. Millions of people are aware of him, and I've yet to meet one who didn't dislike him. He is also often on a TV show that features 4 idiot blowhards trying to suck Tony Reali's dick for "points". Rarely does Jay do any real sports analysis, and has become famous simply for generating controversy.

Which person is more accomplished? Jay feels, the latter.

And this is lovely. Jay has just patted himself on the back for being "far more professional" than Harrelson in the midst of a newspaper column written solely to continue his personal vendetta against the man. Shades of hypocrisy!

Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come.

It just wouldn't be Jay if he attributed the Sox' failures to something that actually plays baseball. You know, something that actually affects the outcome of the games.

Column over.

What Was the POINT of All That?

Such were my sentiments after reading this shit. I'm at a loss for why HatGuy wrote it. Literally, I could sum it up by saying "Breaking News! Football season ended. Here are a list of sports-related things that are not football that are happening now or will happen soon." But that would be way too lenient of me.

The sun rose this morning — I checked — even in Boston. I suspect more people called in sick than usual on a Monday, but the subways and buses ran and the mail carriers were stayed from their appointed rounds by neither rain nor sleet nor heaviness of heart.

A paragraph of pure quasi-poetic nonsensitudes. Lets search really hard through this entire piece to find something that shows you're qualified for your job. And that usage of "stay" vaguely fits the twelfth definition, but about a billion other, less confusing words would have been better.

In New York, it’s a different story, but we’ll leave those happy folks to deal with the Day after Football in their own way. Somehow, we get the feeling they’ll find a way to muddle through.

People from New York are....happy about the Super Bowl. Press on, analyst!

For five weeks now, the NFL playoffs have carried us, giving us an island of excitement to look ahead to each week and crowning it all with the greatest Super Bowl we’ve ever seen. But now it’s Monday, and while the glow will linger for a while, the stage has been struck on our great mid-winter diversion. And outside our doors, February reigns.

Is this really so dramatic? Honestly, this is the kind of shit that would piss off even a high school English teacher.

Which leaves us with the question raised by Shakespeare in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream:” “How shall we beguile the lazy time if not with some delight?”

The answer shows that old Will was one of us: “There is a brief of how many sports are ripe; make a choice of which your highness will see first.”

What a totally appropriate thing to write in a sports column (this is about sports, right?). I'm getting the image of Celizic standing up in the crowd at like a baseball game or something and saying that out loud. Now I'm imagining the people who heard him say that beating the shit out of him. Ahhhhh. Soothing. All of the anger I felt after imagining Celizic get a paycheck just faded away......

It’s not so bleak as it seems. The end of one passion is followed by the commencement of another. Check the calendars, fans — especially those of you in Boston — it is Feb. 4. In 11 days, pitchers and catchers start reporting for duty.

Pitchers and catchers reporting is sort of like a harbinger of something exciting happening, rather than an exciting event in of itself. I use the word "harbinger", because it's one of those useless words you learn in a high school English class, much like the one that seems to have taken over Celizic's life. So I'm speaking his language. He knows what it means.

So start crossing off the days, and while you’re doing it, you might want to pay a bit more attention to the NBA, where the season has passed the midway point and is starting to get interesting. (This advice does not apply in New York. If you’re from there, don’t bother looking at the standings; it’s too depressing.)

Great advice. We're about to find out how much attention Mike Celizic has paid to the NBA in the past 6 months. Brace yourselves, because this is going to be pretty brutal. He literally looked at the NBA standings and said as much as he could just going off of that. Don't believe me? Read on.

Patriot fans get a break there, thanks to the Celtics, who are leading the world, and, after 44 games still haven’t gotten to 10 losses.

Standing-based fact #1.

OK, the football immortality thing didn’t work out, and that annoying old poop Mercury Morris is drinking champagne at your expense. The Celtics are back from their long sabbatical, and if you look out West, you can start dreaming about the next-best match-up to Yankees-Red Sox. And speaking of that, there’s always pitchers and catchers and another chance to pay back those arrogant fans in New York.

I'm going to assume the role of your current high school English teacher and make a few comments on this paragraph, Michael. Now, you'll just have to pretend that this is appearing in bright red ink.

OK, the football immortality thing didn’t work out, and that annoying old poop Mercury Morris is drinking champagne at your expense.

You transitioned into the subject of the NBA. Once there, you were able to list one fact before reverting back to the Super Bowl. This is just a "space filler" sentence. Also consider replacing "poop", with something that makes you sound a little less.....70 years old. Maybe....."fecal matter"? That annoying old fecal matter Mercury Morris? Eh, it's a little better.

The Celtics are back from their long sabbatical, and if you look out West, you can start dreaming about the next-best match-up to Yankees-Red Sox.

A bit of an awkward tradition, especially if you don't immediately clarify the Western matchup. You know, by specifying teams and such.

And speaking of that, there’s always pitchers and catchers and another chance to pay back those arrogant fans in New York.

This sentence totally doesn't fit. You already talked about pitchers and catchers two paragraphs ago. And you failed to talk about the Western matchup you alluded to in the prior sentence. Desert island

Grade: D-. I'm passing you only because I never want to see "A Midsummer Night's Dream" appear in a sports column again.

The Lakers — you remember the team so bad Kobe Bryant didn’t want to play for them anymore? — are right up there challenging for supremacy of the NBA’s power conference along with Phoenix, New Orleans (New Orleans? How’d that happen? I’ve really got to pay closer attention.)

I'll record this date. Monday, May 4, 2008. Mike Celizic finally admitted that he doesn't pay enough attention to the subjects he writes about. Also, I'd like to point out that this is all stuff that Celizic can find out by staring only at an NBA standings page.

Dallas, Utah, San Antonio, Golden State and Denver. There’s just five wins separating all of those teams, and if you don’t think that’s a horse race worth watching, you’re beyond salvation.

More things you found out just from looking at the standings. Why can't I be paid to do this? Also, I'm going to make a ridiculously bold prediction and say that you do not watch a single game played by Dallas, Utah, San Antonio, Golden State, or Denver for the next 3 months.

Can you imagine what it would be like if the Celtics and Lakers got together again in the Finals? Kobe and whoever those other four guys are against Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen? Could it get any better than that? How about with Phil Jackson on the Laker bench?

"Kobe and whoever those other four guys are." Wow. Whoever Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom are, they better get better soon if they want the Los Angeles Bryants to have a chance at taking down the Celtics. Andrew Bynum? More like....Andrew Get-A-Fucking-Name-Dude! Ha ha! I'm right there with you, HatGuy!

What's funny is that HatGuy isn't recognizing that the Lakers are a top team again BECAUSE the supporting cast for Kobe is good again.

And if that doesn’t float your boat, how about Daytona? NASCAR’s most glamorous event and the kick-off of the season is just two weeks away, just like pitchers and catchers. It’s the perfect road trip, if you’re looking to escape winter’s icy grip — do the 500, then head off to spring training camps for another week. Take your golf clubs.

You're obsessed with pitchers and catchers. It's not that exciting, really, and I'm a baseball fan to an unhealthily large extent. There aren't even games to watch. I'm not gonna bash NASCAR, because so many people in America like it, but NASCAR is 100% completely and totally useless and boring to follow and watch. It's also stupid.

I mean come on. There's no VORP!

(note: above may actually be pnoles's personal opinion in disguise and not actually fact.)

I’d go into one of my regular rhapsodies about the joys of the NHL here, but that sports’ fans know all about how Detroit is putting together a phenomenal season, so incredible that they’ve removed all the drama from the regular season. No matter who else does what, the Red Wings are going into the playoffs with the top seed.


More things you can see from the standings page.....

NCAA hoops is more interesting, anyway. We’re into the final month of the season, and Memphis is still undefeated. Teams don’t run off perfect seasons anymore, and my bet is Memphis won’t, either. But they’re worth watching — just in case.

Agreed, you should try it sometime. Name me one player on Memphis. Go ahead. Try.

And if I haven't beaten this to death yet, I could have written that paragraph just by looking at the national rankings and Memphis's record.

Besides, it’s time to start thinking about who’s going to make it to March Madness, the single best tournament in America sports. That is literally just around the corner.

The schedule giveth and the schedule taketh away. We lose the passion of the NFL playoffs, and we’re given a smorgasbord of things to look ahead to.

The NBA is always going on at this time. Pitchers and catchers always report soon after the Super Bowl. NCAA March Madness is always in....wait for it....MARCH! People who care about these things know all of these things already. I want to know, please, who the hell is your "target audience" in this article?

The schedule giveth and the schedule taketh away. We lose the passion of the NFL playoffs, and we’re given a smorgasbord of things to look ahead to.

More old-Englishy Shakespeary-talk. Stop writing. Just stop. I already gave you your D-minus, you can go now.

Spring training starts, the NBA is heating up, college hoops craziness is starting to warm up for its annual crescendo, those guys who do left turns at 200 m.p.h. are putting the pedal to the metal

You already said these obvious things. Repeating obvious things is not a good writing tactic.

and before you know it, the magnolias are blooming in Augusta and it’s time to see whether there’s going to be a shot at the Grand Slam for Tiger Woods. Elsewhere, others are already starting to think about Kentucky and mint juleps and a run for the roses.

Yeah, February can be the pits, especially in the post-Super Bowl depression. But it’s hardly dead. It’s when we look forward to new thrills, to March and crocuses and rebirth.

Does it get any more puffy and bullshit-y than "crocuses and rebirth"? I don't know, but I've got myself a fun new label.

Hey you forgot someth-

And pitchers and catchers.

There it is.

Bring it on.

Oh, it's already been burrr-oughten.

And Here I Thought I Knew What Unnecessary Meant.....

I can't fucking believe this was written. There couldn't be a thing in the world more irrelevant. Here's my thought: no Chicago team did anything worth bitching about, so JayBird's digging deep to bash the Sox for something they did in 2001. Two. Thousand. Fucking. One. I hope you're ready for a fuckton of irrelevancies, because here we go.

I once asked Magglio Ordonez about steroids. It was three years ago, after his divorce from the White Sox and shortly before fellow countryman Ozzie Guillen called him ``a Venezuelan (bleep),'' and I wondered if Ordonez had observed or suspected any steroids use on a Sox team known for sluggers.

He responded by mumbling something under his breath, but what I remember most was the perplexed look on Ordonez's face. His eyebrows were raised, arching higher than the central Florida sun, as if I knew more than I was supposed to know. A simple ``no'' would have worked -- unless, of course, ``no'' wasn't the truth.

Here's the likely real story....from 3 years ago.

Jay Mariotti: Yo Maggs, do you know of anyone on the Sox that's juicing?

Magglio Ordonez: (raises his eyebrows higher than the fucking central Florida sun, perplexed as hell at why he is being bothered by a loud talking doughnut, utters under his breath) Get away from me, you fat shit.....

3 years later.....

Jay Mariotti: There must have been something funny going on with that Ordonez fellow.....

This weekend at the Palmer House Hilton, snarling fans will continue a Soxfest tradition. They'll demand straight answers from general manager Ken Williams, who would have more fun sleeping naked at Wrigley Field in a snowstorm. They will ask why he left the rotation filled with craters, why he whiffed badly on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera and why he keeps talking about a championship when finishing .500 seems like a -- cue the silly Hawkeroo -- ``stretch, stretch, stretch.''

This is getting so old......

1) Didn't whiff on Hunter. He was even going to overpay for Hunter before that dumbass Reagins upped the bid despite already having a good center fielder. Swisher is a better player.

2) In what universe did the White Sox even have close to an attractive package to offer for Miguel?

But if the good people are true baseball loyalists, they won't focus on 2008 at the session as much as 2001. That was when Williams, in a signing that reeked even before we completely grasped the monumental impact of steroids, purchased Jose Canseco from the Newark Bears of an independent league.

What the fuck??????

SoxFest is a convention allowing fans to ask the GM and manager questions about the upcoming baseball season.

Jay Mariotti just said that if these fans are true to baseball, they would interrupt all the interesting dialogue and debate about the upcoming season to interrogate him on why he signed a man of questionable character to play half a season when the White Sox had little-to-no chance to make the playoffs seven fucking seasons ago

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!??!?!?!??!?!

Been Quiet Recently, Eh?

But Scott Merkin is still a dumbass. He's the mlb.com mailbag dude for the White Sox.

Where is Scotty Pods going to end up?
-- Bob, Homewood, Ill.

There are two correct answers to this question.

1) The minor leagues.
2) Out of work, but lucky Scotty, he's still married to a Playboy playmate!

I was talking about this exact topic with a few higher-ups in the White Sox organization recently, and there really doesn't seem to be any current buzz surrounding Podsednik. It could come down to a Minor League deal for Podsednik, although for those of you who asked, it won't be with the White Sox. When healthy, Podsednik still is one of the few elite leadoff hitters in the game.

I'm trying to think of contexts in which "Podsednik" and "elite" should be used in the same sentence. Sadly my puny brain can't bend itself to find something. Let's rank these "leadoff hitters" or something.

1-16, whatever order: DeJesus, Granderson, Sizemore, Pedroia, Roberts, Ichiro, Willits, Lofton, Soriano (if he even counts), Weeks, Rollins, H. Ramirez, K. Johnson, Reyes, B. Giles, Furcal (and plenty of other guys like Kaz Matsui, Scott Hatteberg, and Alex Rios who lead off sometimes for brief stints)

17: Healthy Scott Podsednik

18 - crap: People similar to Juan Pierre (like Podsednik).

Merkin, the guy was damn good in 2003 (thanks to him having SOME power and probably a sick BABIP or something), and hasn't shown a sign of being even above-average since. Can we please stop deceiving Bob from Homewood, IL? I'm sure he doesn't appreciate it. As soon as he goes to Podsednik's stat page, followed by that of an actual elite leadoff hitter, he's going to figure out that you're a lying sack of shit.

When Your Job Consists of Talking About Sports, Maybe You Should Learn the Rules

NBC has a very dynamic duo calling the Redskins/Seahawks game right now. Chris Collinsworth (more like Collinsworthless! LOL!) is the color guy, which is enough by itself to make me wish FOX or CBS had the rights to the game. But with Tom Hammond accompanying him and doing play-by-play, it's a perfect storm of idiocy in the booth.

Just a minute ago, the Seahawks screwed up a kickoff return. The kick was very high and short. It bounced at about the 30, rolled past the two deep return men, and was grabbed by a Redskin on the run at about the 15. The player then ran into the end zone, as his momentum was carrying him that way. Hammond:

Touchdown, Redskins!

Now, if you didn't know that an onside kick can't be advanced, that's fine. I'm not making fun of you for that. It's a bit of an obscure rule. There are probably plenty of big football fans out there who didn't immediate realize the play wasn't a TD. But here's the thing about those fans: they're not being paid to tell millions of viewers what's going on during the game. They're probably employed in capacities other than "TV Sports Analyst," so they don't have time to learn the rules of the game. Hammond doesn't have that excuse. He's being paid a lot of money to learn those rules. Therefore: for saying this, he's a big time dipshit.

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

It's been a little bit since I hockeyed everything up a bit here, so let's get right to business.

Daryl Reaugh... what a jackass. Usually I just link to a post out of common courtesy, but you really need to take a look at this post. There's a picture in the post. It's Daryl Reaugh with Mike Modano. For starters, Modano is in the Stars' home jersey, which clearly spells out for the home town fans that the team plays in Dallas. But who really posts a picture of them standing next to a player like that?

But wait... there's more. He types, too!

Lovely ceremony last night for #9. He was showered with love, and praise, and admiration -and gifts, lots and lots of gifts. By the end of the night I figured all that was left was for his chat-line buddy President Bush to commission a fourth head at Mt. Rushmore.

(1) Are chat lines still operational? From what I remember, the last ones died out with young coeds singing "Pick up the phone!" at me at 2AM. Now all I see at 2AM are midget brothers flipping houses.
(2) Chat lines were guys talking to girls, right?

Oh, and then the one glaring omission:

(3) Holy shit, he thinks there are three people right now on Mount Rushmore.

This guy is making hundreds of thousands of dollars to make terrible comments about hockey for a national television station. He knows that Mt. is the abbreviation for "Mount." Three. A five year old says that sort of thing and gets on CBS. Perhaps he should get on the singles chat line with Modano and Bush to get his head put up there next to Modano's. But it only gets worse.

And to that end, where would you rank the Stars great American amongst Greatest Americans?

I don't have him higher than Lincoln, or Reagan, or Walt Disney...but I do rank him above Lucille Ball, Dr. Phil and Michael Moore.

I really love the sport of hockey. I moved away to college based on how close the place was to my team and the fact that they accepted me. I would never mistake a great hockey player as some sort of American hero.

Mike Modano has done nothing great for America. And for that matter, what exactly did Walt Disney do that was so great? Honestly, this guy has the mind of a five year old.

Am I the only one who found it strange that the NHL didn’t have a representative at the ceremony?

Yes, you are. He leads the country in scoring. It was a classy move by the organization. There is no need for anybody from the NHL to be there.

Turns out that the classy, and newly minted Hall of Famer, Jim Gregory was going to come but due to the league’s own limits on the length of pregame ceremonies (15 minutes) Stars officials had to say thanks but no thanks. (Apparently these same time limits were not in place during Mark Messier’s 45 minute retirement epic at MSG, but hey, who’s counting, and besides, that was just a cab ride not a flight during Thanksgiving).

Whenever Mike calls it a career I'm sure the Commissioner will find the time and muster the energy to get to Dallas, just as he did for Al MacInnis in St. Louis last week.

Teams can ask the NHL for more time before the game for a ceremony. It happens all the time. But the NHL is overlooking the Stars! They care for the Rangers more because they are in New York City, just like NHL HQ! It's a conspiracy! Burn them!

And a minor note - when Al MacInnis retired in St. Louis on April 9th, 2006, the NHL didn't have a representative. Gary Bettman only showed up for the tribute to Al going into the hall of fame and having a statue commissioned in his honor. Which Daryl Reaugh only knows about because he was sitting in the press box working for Versus, presumably playing on his GeoSafari and learning state capitals.

According To The Mini Biography That Appears At The End Of Everything He Writes, Gene Wojciechowski Is The Senior National Columnist For ESPN.com

But why? Someone down at the World Wide Leader needs to start asking some questions as to how this guy has a job at all, let alone a job as "the senior national columnist" for their website. Next to Gregg Easterbrook and Bill Simmons, there isn't a more annoying idiot writing there. It's columns like this one that really separate Gene from the pack when it comes to not knowing anything about sports despite being paid to analyze them.

Even in victory, Broncos can't hide flaws

DENVER -- About the nicest thing you can say about the Denver Broncos is that their uniforms make them look like very large traffic cones. Otherwise, there's no reason to pay attention to this team.

Not yet, at least.

Traffic cones? Either Gene hasn't watched a Broncos game since they changed uniform designs in the mid 90s or the department of transportation where he lives uses blue cones. I'd imagine those would be hard to see at night, but I guess it's possible.

Yes, I know, they upset the sluggish Pittsburgh Steelers, 31-28, on a meat-freezer-cold Sunday night at Invesco Field. Thing is, you couldn't tell who was more surprised by the outcome, the Steelers or the Broncos.

OK, that's not exactly true. The Broncos insist that the last-second victory was no accident, that they were never as crummy as their 2-3 record and three-game losing streak made them look.

"I kept telling you guys we were confident in the locker room," said quarterback Jay Cutler, who remains a work in progress. "We had a bye week. We knew we were a good team. We just weren't playing up to our potential."

So: we have a strong statement of opinion from Gene about game. Followed immediately by quote from a player that directly contradicts said statement. Now that's journalism. "I had a hamburger for lunch today. Well, that's not exactly true. I actually had some pizza."

Cutler wasn't the only one to chide reporters about their lack of faith in the Broncos. Cornerback Dre Bly, whose injured right shoulder featured a puncture mark from a pain-killing shot, happily provided the obligatory cliché.

"Nobody was giving us any shot to win this game," Bly said.

Maybe that's because the Broncos hadn't earned the benefit of the doubt. With the exception of Jason Elam (Is it a good thing when the best player on your team is the place-kicker?), nobody on this team had played exceptionally or consistently well.

Obviously the term "best player" is being applied loosely here. A kicker is like a closer; they don't get into games very often relative to the rest of the players on their team, but when they do it's often in high-leverage situations. So simple minded fans might be tempted to think when they play well, as Elam has, they are their squad's best player. In reality, it's incredibly difficult to measure their abilities against those of other players, but it's probably a huge reach to say that anyone on Denver's roster not named "Champ Bailey" is the best player on the team.

Sheesh, where are my manners, listen to me ramble on and on like a cocaine addict... what I'm trying to say is that Gene is a travesty of a writer.

Also, let's look his main point so far, which is: the Broncos won, but they shouldn't be happy about it. That's right. They should not claim that their previous losses were caused by them failing to playing up to their potential, or be excited about the fact that they beat a favored Pittsburgh team. No. Instead, they should tell the media "We wanted to lose. We expected to lose. We are ashamed to have won. More than anything we'd like to thank the Steelers for graciously handing us this victory, which was 100% due to their lack of execution and 0% due to our own good play." Sounds about right.

Elam's 49-yard walk-off field goal as time expired was his third game-winner of the season. Without him, the Broncos don't beat Buffalo on the road, don't beat Oakland in overtime and don't beat Pittsburgh. '

Well yeah. I guess. Assuming Elam wasn't there, and the Broncos didn't have anyone else try to kick the ball during the last play of those games and instead just snapped the ball to the holder so he could sit there like an idiot until he got tackled... you're right, they would have lost all three. But if they had a different kicker attempt the same plays, who knows what the outcome would have been? This is like saying "without David Eckstein, the Cardinals would never have won the World Series last year." Um, what if they replaced him with someone else who also played pretty well? The "without him" argument should only apply to ridiculous all-time greats like Michael Jordan.

"We'll take it if we can get it," Elam said. "If we can get 20 of 21, we will take it."

Elam was talking about the World Series-bound Colorado Rockies, who actually have won 21 of their past 22 games. If Elam thinks this team is going on some sort of Rockies-like miracle run, he's mildly nuts or oxygen-deprived. These Broncos have too many flaws to overcome. You can't keep winning on inside straights forever.

Apparently playing your opponent evenly all game, and then winning on a field goal as time expires, is the same as winning on an unlikely inside straight in poker.

Cutler completed 22 of 29 passes for 248 yards and three touchdowns. But he also threw two interceptions, including one on which the Steelers had a team photo shoot going around intended receiver Brandon Marshall.

Two? TWO? Fucking two fucking interceptions? What a piece of shit quarterback that guy is! I can't believe the game was even close at halftime! I mean, how many times has a team thrown two interceptions and gone on to win? What a miracle. They must've converted 100% of their third downs and averaged 8 yards per carry on the ground to overcome that Ryan Leaf-like performace.

"They kind of fooled me," Cutler said.

Obviously. Otherwise you wouldn't have thrown those two picks, like the total waste of a person you are.

Cutler is getting better. He did lead the Broncos from their own 20 to the Steelers' 31 in the last 70 seconds of the game, just close enough for Elam to do the hero thing again. Of course, it helped that Steelers linebacker James Harrison was nice enough to line up offsides on a third-and-1 play earlier in the drive. The mistake handed Denver a first down.

On that play, Cutler snuck for the first down anyways. But nice try. (And no, the three extra yards they gained due to the penalty didn't affect the field goal; it would have been good from at least 5 yards further back.)

"It's still early in the season, and we've got a lot of talent on this team," wide receiver Brandon Stokley said. "I think everybody around the league knows what we're capable of … The sky's the limit for us."

If the sky is the AFC West lead, then, yes, the Broncos have an outside chance at that. Otherwise, they're not going to reach playoff altitude. And even if they do sneak in somehow, does anyone really think they could beat the New England Patriots, the Indianapolis Colts or even these same Steelers again?

$%*# the heck? No one is touting the Broncos as some kind of championship caliber team... no one. Preseason, a handful of analysts picked them to win the AFC West. None that I heard claimed they were going to high-step to the Super Bowl. No one even implied they were on the level of the Colts or Patriots. And they certainly aren't doing now just because of this one close win. This is what we call a straw man argument. It's like saying "Sure, the Washington Nationals weren't as bad as people thought they would be last season. But I'm tired of everyone saying they're going to win the World Series next year."

Since losing to the Steelers in the 2005 playoffs, the Broncos have bordered on postseason irrelevancy.

Since that loss, there has been one postseason. The Broncos did not participate. That's not bordering on irrelevancy, that's being irrelevant. It's also a sample size of one. I can't tell which of those angles better proves that Gene is a moron.

Something happened to this franchise. It lost its mojo, and the rest of the NFL noticed.

Oh my God... I can't believe he set me up like this... maybe they should enlist Austin Powers to help them get it back! LOLOLOL! (I'm embarrassed. It's because of jokes like these that I'm writing this on a dusty old PC from my parents' basement while professional journalists like Gene write their articles on golden typewriters from their mansions on the moon.)

"You show any weakness in this league, and people stop fearing you," said veteran safety John Lynch. "The nature of this league is scoreboard, and we've struggled at home of late, in particular. The only way to change that is do something about it. And I think we took a step toward that tonight in beating a very good football team. Ever since they beat us in the championship game, we kind of lost that dominance at home."

There's a big difference between a step and a leap. The Broncos are 3-3, but four of their next six games are on the road. The two home games are against the Packers and Tennessee. So good luck with that.

Ha! Gene scoffs at your ambitions, Broncos. Why even show up for those games? Might as well save yourself the bumps, bruises, and airfare and just stay home.

"We know we're a championship-caliber team," Broncos linebacker D.J. Williams said. "Definitely a playoff team."

If that's a promise and a prediction, the Broncos need someone other than Elam to win games.

Lord knows no one else has helped them to those three victories. That's why they call football "the sport determined by kickers and kickers alone, unless you're the Patriots, in which case you're 53 guys working as one towards a common goal."

Otherwise, this city could become the unthinkable.

A Rockies town.

As if Gene cares which of their teams Denver residents like most at any given time.

Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com.

Again, why?

You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com. He co-authored Jerome Bettis' autobiography, "The Bus: My Life In and Out of a Helmet," which is available now.

Could this be the source of the sour grapes tone in this article? Because he wrote a biography of a former Steeler? I'd like to think so. The only other guess I can come up with is Gene was told by his editor on Sunday evening that he's not allowed to write anything about Lou Pinella for the next 5 months. This upset him, so as a result he decided to make himself feel better by journalistically shitting all over whichever team won the Sunday Night Football game that was happening when he received the news.

Why Do You Think Bill Simmons Is the Only Page 2 Writer Whose Columns Don't Have ESPN's "Conversation" Commenting Feature?

Could it be because he's an absolutely insufferable douche, who despite being wildly popular also infuriates a large percentage of those who read him? That's my guess. I mean, every single ESPN Page 2 writer has the Conversation feature attached to their articles... except Bill. Even Jemele Hill's work is free to be shat upon (or loved, if that's your thing) by the disapproving masses! Why shouldn't The Sports Guy's? I mean, other than the possibility that just as many people hate him as like him which could lead to a lot of angry/inappropriate comments that would need to be moderated. Sure, he's the most popular "fun" sportswriter on the whole wide interwebs. But I'm willing to bet a good portion of his readership doesn't actually enjoy his writing. They just tune in because he's visible, they hate him, and they want to complain about him. (Hey.... that's me!) Welcome to today's sports media: if you want to be popular, take a hint from Bill and be as bombastic as possible. It's not about being journalistically responsible or reporting on interesting topics; it's all about generating "buzz."

With that as a backdrop, it's time for me to become part of the problem rather than the solution. I'm going to spend the next hour or so bitching about Bill's latest mailbag column, thus generating "buzz" for him. Yes, I do see the irony there. But honestly, what do you want me to do? NOT bitch about him? He's atrocious.

With the second round of the playoffs starting Thursday, I thought we'd rip through some baseball-related e-mails for a pseudo-mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

I can only dream of the day when you're unpopular enough that you have to make up emails for your mailbag.

Q: I was pretty excited to watch "SportsCenter" on Oct. 9, the day after the Tribe vanquished the Yanks to advance to the ALCS. So I flip on "SportsCenter" and watch a full 40 minutes of coverage about the freaking Yankees. And Joe Torre. And Joe Torre. And Joe Torre. If somebody turned on that show, but missed the first five minutes, they might not have known who beat the Yanks, just that the Yanks lost and Joe Torre's job was on the line. Speaking of which, did you know that Joe Torre's job is on the line? I know it's asking too much for ESPN to stop covering the Yankees endlessly. But you should step up to the plate and mention, just so at least your audience knows, that the Indians are, in fact, in the playoffs. --Tim, Philly

SG: The Indians are in the playoffs? Just kidding. In ESPN's defense ... wait, I won't defend ESPN on this one. Cleveland's toppling the Yankees was just as good a story as the Yankees' getting toppled; besides, how much more could be said about the Yanks at this point? Rivera and Torre might leave, Posada might leave, Clemens might retire, A-Rod might sign somewhere else for a lot of money. ... Um, didn't we know these things in April?

Glad you asked. On that same note, how much more can be said about the Red Sox at this point? They have a decent rotation headed up by the favorite for the AL Cy Young, "Manny" and "Papi" are getting older but can definitely still hit the ball a mile, and their fans are stereotypically assholish. Oh! And don't forget, J.D. Drew has been a mild disappointment! (More on that later.) Minus the Drew thing, didn't we know all these things in April? Yet we still hear about them. Constantly. I love it when Red Sox fans complain about how much coverage the Yankees get.

Anyways, then Simmons goes on to list in bullet point format reasons why the Yankees stink and the Indians are good/scary/might get a game or two off the mighty Sawks in the ALCS. OK, then, fair enough. But Bill, just for the sake of making sure you're not a huge fucking piece of self-contradiction, let's review the comments you made on your podcast before this series started. (Courtesy of Vegas Watch, a pretty decent blog.)

Guest: This could come back to bite me but, uh, last year, because it could be like last year when I had no concerns about Detroit, it turns out I should have been quite concerned, but, uh, I have no fear of Cleveland- I'll believe CC Sabathia, and more importantly, Fausto Carmona can do it in the playoffs when I see it, and as you said Joe Borowski- and their lineup, I mean, I dont know, their lineup doesn't really frighten me much either.

Simmons: Yeah, Grady Sizemore is one of those guys that puts up awesome stats and, you know, is like a five tool guy and everybody loves him and everybody raves about him and is great defensively, but every time, every time the Red Sox play him he's like not frightening at all when he's up, and Hafner has just been a disaster this season.

Later...

Guest: The Yanks are 6-0 against Cleveland this year, including beating Carmona I think, and probably Sabathia if they're 6-0- all you have to do is stick around, you gotta keep the game close, get him out of the game.

Simmons: You're not gonna lose to Cleveland.

Now, it's entirely possible Bill was just agreeing with his guest just for the sake of being friendly. And maybe he didn't intentionally and specifically mean to crap on Cleveland, he was just excited about the prospect of another New York/Boston ALCS. (As we will see later, he strongly believes these are pretty much the only two teams that belong in baseball's postseason.) But regardless of either of those possibilities, basically what we see here is that Simmons verbally left Cleveland for dead before their series against the Yankees even started. Now that he's writing this mailbag after the fact, it's totally obvious to him that the Indians are the better team and have been all along. I guess Bill went to the Jay Mariotti Flip-Flop What Have You Done For Me Lately? School of Journalism.

Q: Let's arrange a summit that would bring together fans of the 2007 Mets and 1978 Red Sox. There could be speeches, seminars and breakout groups. Maybe it could take place at the Elks Lodge in Danbury, Conn. There would be a formal dinner with a cash bar, shrimp appetizer and baked-stuffed chicken with salad and and scalloped potatoes. This would happen if, and only if, the Sox don't win the '07 Series.--Derek, Norwalk, Conn.

A reader with a Mets comment. Thanks for printing that, Bill. How very relevant to the postseason.

Q: Can't believe you defended LeBron in your magazine column. Bulls, Cowboys and Yankees? He is the absolute worst kind of fan. You know you have hated kids/guys like him your whole life. How can you give him credit for being such a bandwagon sports philanderer?--Cy, Boston

Let's go back to the first sentence of this column:

"With the second round of the playoffs starting Thursday, I thought we'd rip through some baseball-related e-mails for a pseudo-mailbag."

Oops. I guess Bill couldn't hold off on an opportunity to plug one of his other columns. Not that this is a totally egregious offense... but given the relatively low number of questions in the mailbag as a whole, I really don't see why this couldn't wait.

Q: If anyone asks, I was with you tonight. I was definitely not in Boston, killing J.D. Drew.--The Duke, Boston

SG: That was the belated winner of the "Funniest J.D. Drew related e-mail during the four-month stretch of the 2007 season when every Red Sox fan hated him" award. Now we're good with J.D. He's had some solid moments the past few weeks. Everything's fine now. I keep telling myself this.

Bill, we've been over this. Over and over and over. I would rather read another one of your let's-watch-paint-dry-instead Celtics columns that hear more annoying crap about J.D. motherfreaking Drew. Guess what? He's not the first big ticket free agent in MLB history to not win the triple crown in his first season with his new club.

Q: As a fan of all Dallas-based sports teams, it wouldn't bother me in the least to see, say, Dirk Nowitzki show up to a Cowboys game in a Redskins hat or Terrell Owens show up to a Mavs game in a Spurs jersey. Not in the least. But I won't buy for one second that you, Bill Simmons, the guy who wrote "Now I Can Die In Peace," wouldn't get absolutely p.o.'d if Paul Pierce showed up to a Yankees/Red Sox game, in Boston, wearing a Yankees hat.--Joel H., Allen, Texas

Probably a good point. Simmons denies he'd mind that behavior out of Pierce; I'm not buying it. In any case, though, what were we talking about? Baseball? Oh, no, that's right, we were talking about one (or in this case, two) of Bill's other columns. My mistake.

Q: Here's my plan for my first kid. I have the entire 2004 Red Sox playoffs on DVD, as well as all the Patriots' Super Bowl DVD's. What if, instead of Dora and Barney, I prop my kid up in front of Tom and Papi? Hell, my kid may come into this world just before the NBA playoffs. What a way to start. This cannot fail; this will be revolutionary. All I need from you is a way to convince my wife this is a good idea.--Bob, Pittsfield, Mass.

That's... almost a question about the 2007 MLB postseason... almost. I guess what's really important about it, from Bill's perspective, is that it was about Boston. Speaking of which- have you heard? Apparently the New England Patriots (the greater Boston area's NFL team) are having a good season! Yeah, no kidding. I'm disappointed too. Sometimes these feelgood stories just slip through the cracks, I guess.

Q: Where's your NLCS prediction? I need to know which team to bet against.--George, New Rochelle, N.Y.

This is where it gets good. The answer to this question is the real reason I decided to make this posting in the first place.

SG: Thank you for asking! I like the Rockets over the T-Backs. Just kidding.

Using this kind of little throwaway joke at the beginning of an answer multiple times (see the very first question) in the same mailbag column is super hilarious! Just kidding.

But I'm glad you brought this up. No matter how much you love baseball, it's nearly impossible to care about the Colorado-Arizona series. You might watch it, you might enjoy it, you might even gamble on it ... but unless you're an absolute baseball nut or a Rockies/D-backs fan, how could you honestly care who wins when neither franchise is older than Jamie-Lynn Spears? It's like going to a wedding in which you don't know anything about the bride or the groom.

Anyway, a friend of mine who works in the sports world got me thinking about this on Monday when he e-mailed just to say, "Colorado versus Arizona might be the least watched LCS in baseball history. Who the hell cares about either team? I'm convinced that sports is all about history. If there's history, it's interesting. If not, who cares?

It's true. Why should average everyday fans care about new franchises? That Patriots/Panthers Super Bowl shouldn't have even been televised outside of New England and Charlotte. Booooooorrrrring. Boise State vs. Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl last year? Lame, unless you had a rooting interest in either team. And didn't the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in a thrilling 7th game of the World Series a few years back? I sure hope no one besides Yankee and Diamondback fans tuned in for that one. I mean, why would you want to witness a new rivalry being formed (in the case of this year's NLCS) or a team trying to win something they've never won before (all three of those other examples)?

I think baseball needs to realign; let's contract every team except the Yankees and Red Sox in the AL, and the Cubs and Phillies in the NL. (Despite how long they've been around, the Reds, Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants and White Sox will be contracted because they're boring and don't have enough fans.) Think of the possibilities- a Yankees/Red Sox ALCS every year! What baseball fan wouldn't love that!?!?!? Actually, hold on, slight correction- let's allow the other 26 teams continue playing, but in a different league with no playoffs for fantasy purposes. Wait, no- just the 12 AL teams. Who needs NL players? Yeah. That's the solution. So we have the four actual MLB teams, 12 others in a separate isolated league, and we're ditching 14 more. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

People need the emotional attachment that comes from a lifetime of cheering for the same team -- and especially when their parents rooted for the same franchise."

That one goes out to you, Colorado fans over the age of 25 and Arizona fans over the age of 20. So you've been cheering for them for the past ten to fifteen years? Whoop-de-shit. If you were older than 10 when they came into existence, your fandom doesn't count. You're not passionate. No one cares (nor should you) whether or not your team wins the NLCS. Wait, you're telling me that at one point in time EVERY team was only 15 years old? That EVERY team that's won multiple pennants had to win their first pennant at some point? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Nothing new should ever happen. Only repeats of previous things that already happened are exciting.

My response: "You just described why the NHL died in this country over the past 12 years."

You're right, Bill- it had nothing to do with poor marketing, revenue issues, or an ill-timed lockout. It's entirely because Colorado, Tampa Bay, and Carolina won a few Stanley Cups.

(Here's my super brainy deep thinking theory for why Simmons and his friend feel this way: they're still not over the 1986 World Series, when the relatively new (25 year old) Mets knocked off the very old Red Sox. That's right I said it. "Behind the bag.... it gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight and the Mets win it!" Just saying.)

Q: I can't believe John Mellencamp wasn't listed as one of your "25 people to watch in AL playoffs." He needs to go into the witness protection program because I am ready to snap and go OJ on him and everyone at Chevy for ruining another postseason. TiVo and all the DVR makers need to get involved and find a way to block this commercial from broadcasting on TVs.--Silvio, NYC

SG: Lord knows the "This is ourrrrrrrrrr country" joke has been beaten to death ... but (rest of response omitted).

But nothing. No. End of story. We're going on 14 months of that joke; that's about ten too many. And just for the record, that Jack In the Box chicken guy ad has been running far more often and is almost as annoying at this point.

Q: Manny's postgame interview after his Game 2 walkoff homer should shoot right to the top of your Unintentional Comedy Scale. Once he hit that ball, the first words out of all of my buddies was along the lines of, "I REALLY hope they do a postgame with Manny." We were more on edge during that interview than the last half of the ninth. Varitek says, "Joo don't leave Boston without a home run." I says, "Joo know it."--Bobby, Belmont, Mass.

SG: You left out the key part of the interview ... Jose Mota! Teaming up Manny and Mota was like teaming up Cosell and Ali in the early-'70s, only the exact opposite. Couldn't ESPN Radio have given them Dan Patrick's old show?

It's funny because Ramirez has an accent. And hey, thanks a lot for finally taking a Red Sox question, Bill! Geez, why isn't anyone talking about the REAL story in the 2007 postseason? GO SAWKS!

Q: My favorite part about reading your '01 World Series diary was this tag at the end: Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2. Wow. It really has been a long time since Paul O'Neill played.--Mark, Madison

SG: (Searching for a comeback ... )

Self degradation usually makes me think people are cool and laid back. I really enjoy it and often practice it, so if they do too, we're bound to get along because we have similar views about ourselves. Except in this case. Because Bill is a pudwhacker.

Q: Could you comment on the "twist" on the "Friday Night Lights" season opener? I think it's network executives making sweeping changes in order to try to get ratings, killing my favorite show in a way worse than simply canceling it.--Chris W., New Haven, Conn.

SG: Quick break from baseball to answer this one...

OK, so now we're taking a break from baseball. Great. Glad we cleared that up, in this case. The rest of the breaks we've taken from baseball in this mailbag just slipped right by most readers, but since this one is so flagrant, let's be up front about it.

Q: How 'bout those Yankees? The visiting locker room at Yankee Stadium has seen more bubbly over the past couple of years than the champagne room at Scores!!--Frank, Swampscott, Mass.

I can't believe it took this long for Simmons to print one of his Masshole reader's clever, biting, brilliantly funny Yankee jokes.

Q: I'm sure you were thrilled that Torre decided to go with Wang on three days rest in Game 4. Why, why, why do managers ever choose to use pitchers on three days rest??? The stats are horrible. According to a post on the Web, in the past 10 years, nine of the 14 playoff teams that have employed a version of a three-man rotation in the FIRST ROUND series have lost the series. These teams lost 17 of the 21 games pitched on short rest. What gives?--Graham M., Los Angeles

SG: Graham, that's a fantastic question. I don't have an answer for you. The three-day rest thing only seems to work when you don't have another choice (like the Red Sox in 2004, for example).

Just a quick reminder that Bill likes the Red Sox, and that they won the World Series in 2004.

Q: What is the appropriate reaction to somebody bringing up the Mets' collapse to me 24 hours after it happened? I say I am legally allowed to punch any male who says anything. With females I say it is OK to pick out their greatest insecurity and viciously attack it for a solid 45 minutes.--Joe B., Staten Island, N.Y.

Again, as before, very relevant to the 2007 postseason.

Q: You know when you're fully realizing that something special is happening? A couple weeks ago, I was at one of my usual strip clubs and heard the 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake song, "Ayo Technology," for the first time and KNEW that this was a song I was going to hear in the clubs all the time for the next decade. I haven't seen a song that was able to instantly change the atmosphere in a strip club that much since Christina Aguilera's "Dirty" came out. It's kind of similar to what Joba was able to do to the Yankees in the second half of the season. What gives out earlier, Joba's arm from Torre pitching him ragged or "Ayo Technology" from Larry the bald 45-year-old strip club DJ playing it every half hour?--Brian C, Hopkinton, Mass.

SG: Yup ... these are my readers.

These are his readers, or at least the ones that get their questions published in mailbag columns; Red Sox, Yankees, or possibly Mets fans who love strip clubs. Woo! Strippers! And reality TV shows! And the AL! But specifically not the NL! Hooooooooraaaaaaaay!

(Here's the question topic distribution; I didn't cover some of them):

Total: 24
Indians/Yankees: 4
Red Sox/Angels: 3
Assorted Yankees: 2
Assorted Red Sox: 5
Not baseball/TV/Other Simmons Columns: 7
Mets: 2
Anyone else from the NL: 1 (disparagingly)

Bill Simmons: he's fannnnnnnnnnnnnntastic!