Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Perfect Storm

I think it's pretty safe to say that almost everyone on this here blogowebs, at some point or another, can be annoyed with ESPN.com's A-list duo of Rick Reilly and Bill Simmons. I too can get fucking pissed off reading another Reilly puff piece about a kid with no arms or legs getting to play in a basketball game (as the basketball) or another stupid Simmons reference to Heidi from the Hills or about how the Pistons are the Cobra Kai and Doc Rivers has secretly been Mr. Miyagi all along. Individually, they are like your hot 2nd cousin, sometimes you think they might be worth checking out but you’ll just feel unsatisfied in the end. Now imagine that somehow they combined writing styles…. Sadly, you don’t have to imagine. Rick took care of it himself.

Rick has managed to smash two ultra-hip and current pop culture references into a gag-worthy puff piece about how Jay Cutler’s diabetes is giving children hope that their own diabetes isn’t a death sentence.

Shy and mop-haired, he led the league in shrugs. He looked like he had terminal influenza. The bags under his eyes had bags. And yet he'd sleep 10 hours at night and three more after practice. He lost 35 pounds in the 2007 season alone. He couldn't concentrate. He was starting to look like the biggest bust since Lindsay Lohan.

National Sports Writer of the Year Voter: “Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan. I remember her. She’s totally relevant to this point. By making bringing her up in the situation, I know that the writer of this article is up to date on current celebrity happenings. And by putting it in joke form, I know that he’s not taking this subject TOO seriously. Rick Reilly, please take another National Sports Writer of the Year Award, you’ve earned it.”

Also, is that joke supposed to be about her larger than average breasts (OH BABY) or that her career has gone in the wrong direction? Could it be both?

What Cutler wants to be is a normal QB, but he never will be. From now on, he'll have more holes than a Jessica Simpson movie.

National Sports Writer of the Year Voter: “My God! Another reference to pop culture! He has done it, Rick Reilly has done it. He has created an article so beautiful, yet funny, that I will forever stop reading sports articles. In fact, rename the ‘National Sports Writer of the Year Award’ the ‘Rick Reilly Award for Heartwarming/Funny/Hip Sports Writing’.” (Seriously though people, has 11 of those things. ELEVEN!!!)

If I were Simmons, I’d watch out. If Reilly can continue writing boring puff pieces, AND combine them with horrible pop culture references, Simmons will be totally obsolete… and our society will never be the same.

6 comments:

dan-bob said...

Nice "bust" double entendre, Reilly!

Simmy can't go obsolete: he has the "niche" market of being the entire country's source for all things Boston.

Bill Simmons (Los Angeles, CA) said...

CHart,

It's fine. I'm looking over my contract now, and I can get out whenever I--(slamming head through wall).

ESPN, where screwing me happens!

p.s. Jimmy Kimmel!

CitizenX said...

The real question is, is "more holes than a Jessica Simpson movie" ALSO a double entendre.

cb said...

The "biggest bust since Lindsay Lohan" still threw 20 TDs last year and finished with an 88.1 rating in a more-than-respectable season for a young QB. Reilly fails again.

Larry B said...

HE'S BACK! With a quadrapallegic joke!

Martin said...

And TMQ still sucks.