Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bill Simmons strokes his massive ego

Simmons, today, answers his ["readers"] questions (you'll see the reason for the brackets and quotes later) in a gripping and always on-topic mailbag column.

If you believe any of the value-laced statements I made in the last "paragraph," well, you haven't been reading this blog long enough.

Travis, from Minneapolis, Minnesota asks Bill: "Q: I would like to nominate you, Bill Simmons, for a new Sports Czar position in the Obama cabinet. It's a position that's needed in government, no? You're the only one who can save this country from future sports missteps."

SG: Travis, I accept your nomination even though I lack the legal background, the authority and the connections. With 10 weeks to fine tune my platform before President Obama officially takes office, here's a rough draft of ideas I'm kicking around. Some of them have already been mentioned in this column; I just wanted to get everything in one place. Feel free to send me any additional suggestions. On the first week of 2009, I will post a complete platform for my bid to become the first Sports Czar.

Sarah Palin has a better chance of finding work in an Obama administration that Bill Simmons.

Creations: A college football playoff system; a uniform boxing organization; a better trophy for the World Series; championship belts for the defending NBA champs that they must bring to every game;

Championship belts for NBA players only being applicable in years after the Celtics have won the title. Also, this is stupid.

a hierarchy of alcoholic beverages for baseball celebrations (cheap beer, then good beer, then cheap champagne, then good champagne); an NBA expansion team in Seattle, effective for the 2010-11 season; a no-exception three-city rotation for the Super Bowl among New Orleans, Miami and San Diego;

The other 29 NFL owners, you guys can go screw yourselves.

a full-length indoor basketball court in the White House, with all games involving Obama televised on NBA TV; a purple Masters-type sports coat for the winning March Madness coach (presented to him by last year's coach as Jim Nantz orgasmically looks on);relegation for Major League Baseball (a 30-team league with the bottom two teams forced to move to Triple-A for a year).

Just because that would have meant Tampa would have been in Triple-A much of the past decade does not mean this suggestion has any merit.

Eliminations: The backstroke, butterfly and breaststroke events in the Olympics; baseball managers cannot wear uniforms anymore; no more seat licenses, NIT or Tony Siragusa; no NFL division champ can make the playoffs unless it wins nine games; no more three-man booths except for Van Gundy, Jackson and Breen; the bullpens can't empty during a baseball fight; no NHL ticket can cost more than $75;

Whatever.

no tax write-offs for season tickets, but you CAN write off luxury suites;

This is devoid of sense. Assuming you're in an Obama administration you'd theoretically be more interested in benefiting the middle class as opposed to the wealthy. This would be a great way of doing that.

no more sideline reporters unless they agree to dress like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman";

What, Erin Andrews doesn't do it for you?

no more cell-phone calls by spectators during sporting events (you can only text); no more sunglasses in the World Series of Poker.

Restructures: The NHL will disband eight teams, move a few more to Canada and form 11-team conferences in the United States and Canada; Fox's No. 1 team for baseball broadcasts will be selected in a vote by the users of foxsports.com;

What makes you think readers of foxsports.com are any smarter or more prescient than FOX executives?

the Nets and Bobcats will merge and move to Vegas next season (and become the Las Vegas Dice); the Utah Jazz and New Orleans Hornets will switch nicknames; Gus Johnson will be promoted to CBS' lead play-by-play guy for March Madness and the Final Four; Buffalo residents can purchase the Bills in a public trust (like how Sconnies own the Packers);

Cool. Glad you thought of all these.

all "live" sporting events will be shown live again and not on a brief tape delay,

Does this actually bother anyone?

and if anyone out there can't handle hearing an occasional F-bomb, then don't watch live sporting events;

You're advocating people not watch sports? Good tactic for keeping your job at ESPN.

a three-game exhibition season for the NFL with two regular-season bye weeks (not one); the entry fee for the WSOP will be raised to $25,000; two rounds for the Home Run Derby and that's it; H-O-R-S-E for NBA All-Star Weekend; ESPN Classic's budget is tripled; the Olympics and World Cup will happen every three years (not four).

Out of curiosity, how would the olympics going every three years work? The "Summer" Olympics would be every 1.5 years, and the "Winter" Olympics would be the other every 1.5 yeras, making the Summer Olympics not so summer-y every other go around?

New rules: No pregame show will be allowed to have more than four people (except for NBC's "Football Night in America," which will shift to a "Hollywood Squares" format); if you purchase a player's jersey and that player is traded within 12 months, you can return the jersey and buy a new one for half price; incoming college freshman recruits don't have to honor an NCAA scholarship if their sleaze-bag coach ditched them after he signed them;

I realize there are various sleaze-bag college coaches who ditch recruits. But, to deem every coach who ever switches jobs in order to advance his career a sleaze-bag, because he screwed over the three to five players he handed a free college education is going a bit far.

all professional owners either have to sell their team before they turn 80 or before they start looking like a sea monster;

Bud Adams owns the Tennessee Titans. The Titans are 9-0, and are one of the best two teams in football if you ask any of the national writers. Bud Adams is 85 years old.

a forced agreement where the NFL Network is carried by all cable systems;

It's like $2 a month, and there are like 14 people in the country who can't get it. Probably warrants the attention of a presidential staffer.

baseball fans get to vote on the entrance music for their closers; golfers have to carry their own bags for the PGA Championship; the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" will replace the Australian Open as tennis' fourth major (with the top six male and female tennis players competing against MTV cast members); no more 20/20 flashes on sports radio shows (we move to a 30/30 flash);

Seriously?

the U.S. Olympic basketball team cannot have anyone over 25 years old;

Yes, I agree. Watching Kobe and Dwyane play for the U.S. totally sucked.

David Halberstam's "The Breaks of the Game" must be re-released; Chris Rose will be liberated from "The Best Damn Sports Show" and given a better show; Tropicana Field is immediately blown up; Isiah Thomas will replace Donna Orender as the commissioner of the WNBA, effective immediately.

As a kid in law school, I'd love to be the WNBA's chief legal counsel were this to happen.

Michelle, in Atlanta wants to know: "Q: Is it possible for a heterosexual woman to have a man-crush on a guy? What would you call that? I have a man-crush on you."

What. The. Hell?

A) This can't be a real question from a reader.

B) If it is, it has no business in an article on the worldwide leader's website.

C) Not to be Bill Simmons for a second, but, odds that this is Simmons just throwing a question out there just to stroke his own ego and make himself feel like a player, 6-5.

To answer your question, a heterosexual female cannot have a man-crush on a heterosexual male. It's just a crush. You might rationalize it as a man-crush, but deep down, you want to jump my bones.

No woman wants to do what you just said. Not even the Sports Gal.

Michael, in Knoxville wants Bill to know: "If I could have sex with someone's writing, it would be yours. Thank you."

You know how I know this is entirely made up? Gay people don't live in Tennessee. People who make references like "Michael" just made, in Tennessee, get shot.

In response to a question about a potential Titans / Giants Super Bowl and what the line might be, Bill writes: What I don't understand is why people don't trust Collins; he has been the league's most consistent QB this season. It's not even close. I think he's legit for this reason: He has the right pedigree, only his career was derailed for whatever reason -- immature, drank too much, partied too much, didn't want it badly enough, wasn't tough enough, lost his confidence, maybe even all of those reasons -- and now he's settled into a better place in life, which you can see in the way he carries himself, leads his team and gets better in big moments.

...

If you don't like Tennessee's Super Bowl chances because of Collins, you need to find a better reason. You really do.

I don't like Tennessee's chances of winning the Super Bowl because they're quarterbacked by Kerry Collins.

I don't like Tennessee's chances of winning two tough AFC playoff games because they're quarterbacked by Kerry Collins.

Jeff Fisher thought Kerry Collins was so good, and so consistent, that Fisher had Collins start the year as a backup to Vince Young.

If you'd have asked Jeff Fisher three months ago whether he'd have liked Tennessee's chances of winning the Super Bowl with Kerry Collins as their quarterback, he'd have told you, off the record, no. Not at all.

Kindly die in a fire, Bill.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't believe i wasted my time reading your comments. The only thing you said that pointed out that Simmons is an idiot was your comment about Bud Adams. The rest of your stuff was neither funny nor insightful. Maybe you should leave this stuff to some of the other writers on this site. If Ken Tremendous were dead he'd be rolling in his grave.

P.S. you may want to proof read for grammar and spelling before trying to critique someones articles

cs said...

Have you been to FireJoeMorgan lately? I think Ken Tremendous IS dead.

Andrew said...

P.P.S. If you want to get into a grammar / spelling pissing match, which I should note, I do not, proofread is one word and the someone's is possessive of stuff and thus needs an apostrophe.

Thanks for the criticism.

Please come back and offer more anytime you so desire.

cb said...

The only sensible thing he wrote was letting Buffalo residents chip in to buy the Bills. (Yes, I'm a Buffalo resident.) The rest sucked, especially the part about "liberating Chris Rose." No, let's make Chris Rose retire; he's a total loser, the Carson Daly of the sports media.

CitizenX said...

DUDE. I WAS READING THIS AND LIKE MAN THIS IS SO FUCKING ONANISTIC I HOPE FJAYM IS GONNA ATTACK IT AND YOU DID I LIKE WINE THANKS AGAIN DREWSKI.

JimA said...

Simmons is such a dick. He is so blatantly sexist but he gets away with it. He blathers that sideline reporters should dress like hookers, or suggests that Isiah Thomas be the commissioner of the WNBA. He gets giddy about he and his boys running together and tells boring stories about things that other people do all the time, and slams women in Atlanta.

The bit about championship belts for the defending NBA champs isn't sexist, just stupid. Can't you see Kevin Garnett walkng around like a 7 foot cowboy with his shiny new belt buckle? The strangest thing is he will actually sit down and write some asinine column about why he ought to be sports czar as if it were a real job and anybody would want him to do it. And we should suspend disbelief to buy his claim that these are legitimate letters from fans.

Chris W said...

No offense to the bloggers on this blog who blog about Simmons....but I mean come on guys. He's just a huge nerd......

Like seriously. A huge, geeky nerd trying real hard to convince everyone how cool he is. Is this really worth the vitriol?

Andrew said...

He's a "nerd" making what's gotta be roughly a million bucks a year to enlighten us. Instead, we get this mindless drivel. He deserves all the vitriol this site can give him and more.

Anonymous said...

Please let Larry handle the Simmons bashing because this was awful. I agree that the article sucked, but your criticism sucked worse. And by the way, NFL network is unavailable to about 60% of American households, so that's probably right around 14 people.

Andrew J. said...

It could've been a worse reaction against Simmons. He's the kind of writer you hate, because as someone said, he's a nerd trying to be cool, and it drives "real" cool people up the wall. You just want to hit him or say something hurtful, in hopes that he'll stop and just go back to being a nerd and happy with who he is. It's like there's a moral or something.

That said, it's hard to try and FJM his writing up for a lot of people, because you can't think of more to say than "You're an idiot. Go play more WoW" and it shows a lot of the time.

CHart said...

Wow, we have some Simmons lovers in the audience. I actually really like when Simmons does this kind of stuff. He's clearly just having fun, and some of his ideas aren't half bad.

One specific question I have: currently the Super Bowl rotates between approx. 8 different warm weather/dome cities. How is that fair to the other 24 owners in the league? Also... do owners actually get money when the Super Bowl is played in their city? How does that work?

And come on Jima, lighten up a little. That Isiah Thomas WNBA joke was funny.

Chris W said...

chart=a nerd who likes nerds!

:-o

Martin said...

Partially defending Simmons here. His idea about rotating the Super Bowl is an idea he has championed often, from a fans point of view. Those three places are the most fun for fans to go "see" the game, as the last couple experiments in holding it in Jacksonville and Detroit were failures.

Also, in Los Angeles, you don't pay any money, not even $2, to get NFL Network. You don't get NFL Network over the majority of cable out here. You pretty much have to go Direct TV. Direct TV and their Sunday Ticket can go burn in hell before I'll ever get it.

The rest of Simmons article was pretty stupid, espescially the NBA Championship Belts idea. I read that and instantly thought "Wow, that only was thought of because the Celtics are champs right now."