Monday, November 5, 2007

Hi, I'm Jon Heyman, And I Get Paid To Write About Sports

Why don't you read my latest "Daily Scoop" column, about baseball's offseason? I'm sure my mastery of the English language and razor-sharp analysis will convince you that I am a great journalist.

Okay, okay, you got me- I'm not really Jon Heyman. I'm larry b. Plus, I was being sarcastic- Heyman is a shitpile of a journalist.

Dodgers owner Frank McCourt never should have had poor Grady Little twist in the wind while he tried to find a better alternative. [...] Little's decision to step down was described as "mutual,'' and it may well have been, but the Dodgers definitely were not opposed.

I don't think it's possible to phrase the intended point of that sentence any more poorly. It's like saying "My friend and I's decision to get hamburgers at Wendy's was mutual, although he definitely didn't not want hamburgers from Wendy's."

[Dodgers owner Frank] McCourt is awfully slick. But shopping for a manager when you already have one is not something even an inveterate slickster can get away with. In any case, Little deserved better. It was like he was the third choice, or fourth, or fifth for his own job.

In professional sports- no, scratch that, in dozens of high profile businesses/industries all over the goddamn world- this happens ALL THE TIME. True, the way the Dodgers made their pursuit of Joe Torre public was a little classless. But the general concept of keeping an underperforming employee around as you're looking for their replacement is not "slick." It's "standard", "normal", and "not weird at all."

Torre, whose press conference is today in L.A. (I predict everyone will love him; no one gives better press), is bringing Don Mattingly as a coach.

It's going to end up being a very Joe Torre-ish week here at FireJay, and there's nothing wrong with that. Look at what's in the parentheses there... are you kidding me? So let me get this straight; you're predicting that a high profile manager giving his first ever press conference for his new team is going to be received positively? Nonsense. Baloney. Hogballs. Here's another bold one for you along the same lines- everyone in New York will love Joe Girardi if the Yankees win the World Series next year. Also, no one gives better press than Torre? Paging Dr. Pinella... Dr. Pinella to the media room, please.

On to some other general notes and thoughts from Jon's barely functioning brain:

[Tigers reliver Joel] Zumaya was told by doctors that he has a 90-95 percent chance at a full recovery after they rebuilt the AC joint in his pitching shoulder. Zumaya has said that he injury the shoulder when a box fell on it as he attempted to rearrange items in preparation for the California wildfires.

Injury is a noun, not a verb! Laughter Out Loud! I'm so much smarter than Jon Heyman, because I'm nitpicking his silly typo. That's right. It's what I do. If you don't find that kind of thing hilarious, this may not be the blog for you. Might I instead recommend this very popular and informative little number written by a former coworker of mine? (True story, our offices were right next to each other.)

That might seem like a bizarre and unnecessary aside. But stick with me and let me explain my line of thinking in terms of linking her. Since she gets about 100 times as many readers per day as we do (assuming all five of you are still out there), if she somehow finds out about this she might return the favor and link us. Boom, instant readership spike. That would be a pretty sweet deal. Then it would only be a matter of days until advertisers were beating down our doors with gigantic contracts, and we could finally think about moving out of our parents' basements. I mean, sure, there's probably not much overlap between our respective target demographics. The number of her readers who would find shit like this post funny or interesting is probably somewhere in the low single digits. But I'm dreaming big these days. If I can possibly get somewhere in life by riding on the coattails of people that are more popular than me, I'm taking that opportunity without thinking twice. God bless America.

Tony Pena, Kevin Long and Rob Thomson are expected back as Yankees coaches. Dave Eiland, who did a terrific job tutoring Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes in the minors but is still best known by Yankees writers as the fellow who remained unknown to Rickey Henderson after he'd been in the Yankees' clubhouse for weeks, is expected to replace Ron Guidry as pitching coach.

Any way we can cram some more clauses into that second sentence? I think there might be a little room between "Rickey" and "Henderson."

Finally, the stunning conclusion to the column:

One rumor I'm believing is the Rangers and Torii Hunter. Makes plenty of sense to me. [End]

That's why Jon makes the big bucks- when something makes sense to him, he'll let you know that it's the case. Will he explain how or why it makes sense? Probably not. Don't worry about it. It's not important that you understand these things. You'd never be able to comprehend Jon's thought processes anyways. Just take what he says as near-fact and let it be.

Another rumor he's believing is Adrian Beltre to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant and the tattered shreds of Kwame Brown's career. (Facial!)

7 comments:

Tonus said...

One rumor I refuse to believe is John Heyman and a proofreader. It just doesn't jibe.

pnoles said...

Sorry -- this is bothering me....there's two things wrong with that "John Heyman" label.

1) His first name is spelled "jon".

2) His name should not be capitalized, as this signifies some sort of respect/importance, and his writing doesn't merit either of those things.

Both of these things were accomplished by the very-appropriate "jon heyman" label that I created the first time I wrote about him. I suggest we use that one!

Now I must get back to checking The New World Encyclopedia for spelling errors. Right now I'm on "Afghanistan". Nothing so far.

pnoles said...

Sorry -- this is bothering me....there's two things wrong with that "John Heyman" label.

1) His first name is spelled "jon".

2) His name should not be capitalized, as this signifies some sort of respect/importance, and his writing doesn't merit either of those things.

Both of these things were accomplished by the very-appropriate "jon heyman" label that I created the first time I wrote about him. I suggest we use that one!

Now I must get back to checking The New World Encyclopedia for spelling errors. Right now I'm on "Afghanistan". Nothing so far.

larry b said...

Oh no! Double comment! Good point though, time for some editing.

Tonus- you're right, that one definitely doesn't hold water.

Anonymous said...

also, if you're ripping somebody's grammar/usage, you probably shouldn't have such errors in the same sentence. "I's" is defintely not a word. You were looking for "my friend's and my...." But it's ok. Still love the blog.

Anonymous said...

This is a perfect example of why Bill Simmons is such a horseshit hack!

In his (typical) rambling bullshit, he compares a Nazi POW camp with the Pats-Colts, then weaves in baseball references, hockey references and (naturally) a fucking NBA reference.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, content and subject matter of his "columns" aside, Simmons is a godawful writer. I think he just rambles into a digital voice recorder and then uses voice recognition software to transcribe his tripe.

I'd rather read something from Ted Simmons!

When BSPN.com began pimping this three-note hack (red sox, nba, poker) is what chased me away from its website.

He's BRUTAL!!

Anonymous said...

whoops, wrong thread. my apologies. :^)