Dennis Dodd, You Are An Embarrassment

I hate Ohio State football. So much. I hate their coach, I hate their program, I continue to hate their players if and when they make it to the NFL, and I especially hate their fans. And it's not like I went to Michigan or something. I grew up in Colorado and didn't go to a Big Ten school. In fact, my university only played the Buckeyes once during the four years I spent there. But that experience plus what I've learned about them after researching graduation rates was more than enough to make them one of my most hated teams. Quite frankly, everything about OSU football pisses me off.

And yet, here I am, ready to lambaste Dennis Dodd for writing a column which basically shits all over them. It's going to be weird. Since I'm doing this in spite of my hatred, you know the article in question has to be really, really bad. And it is. Let's count Dennis's absolutely pathetic attempts at comedy.

Spread the word: Mizzou-West Virginia is the game to watch

Missouri is on the front page of the New York Times today.

Ohio State is not on the front page of the New York Times, unless Maurice Clarett was just named a GA.

Buh-zing! Starting off an anti OSU piece with a Clarett joke. Very original. That's uncharted, virgin territory right there. Bad joke #1.

Ohio State is old news. Real old news. Like finding the entire first season of Freaks and Geeks half off, old.

A Freaks and Geeks reference. Awesome. Bad joke #2.

The same goes for both the football team and the sitcom: Who wants to see that again?

And who wants to read about it in a sports column?

That's why Ohio State-West Virginia in the BCS title game does nothing for me. If the center holds, those two teams should not be playing for it all after the haze clears this weekend. That's assuming a lot considering this season, but for some reason or other Mike Freeman finds it a sexy matchup.

This is a reference to Dodd's CBSSportsline colleague Freeman, who somehow managed to write an article about this same topic that might be worse than this one. If I have time, I'll address it tomorrow. Let's just say Freeman has a tiny brain and leave it at that for now.

Sexy? Grab the makeup case, dude, we've got some work to do. What are we going to learn, that the Buckeyes still can't defend the spread? That the site of the championship game matches the description of their schedule?


The Big Easy.

Bad joke #3.

Before you Luckeyes light up the message boards, three syllables for you: Ill-i-nois.

Even Bill Simmons doesn't flagrantly taunt fans of teams he doesn't like as directly as this. This is the opposite of responsible journalism. This is what you post on internet message boards or yell at OSU fans across a parking lot before your team plays them. I'm not trying to be Mr. Uptight Nofun Crabbypants, but something like that simply doesn't belong in an article that gets published on a major sports website.

How many of you were booking New Orleans two weeks ago when the Ohio State University dropped to seventh in the BCS?

That "THE (pause) Ohio State University" thing is really annoying, so I won't count this as a bad joke. It's close though.

No, the best matchup for everyone's health and welfare is Missouri-West Virginia. They are the poster children for what has shaped this season. The two best executioners of the spread option/zone read/shotgun blast, ah, whatever. You know it when you see it.

The spread offense has been the biggest reason this has been the highest-scoring season in history. It can't be stopped. Balls flying in the air. End arounds. Quarterbacks (well, Tim Tebow) running for 22 touchdowns. Tailbacks (Darren McFadden) playing quarterback.

Do you know the three highest-scoring games in history have been played in the past five weeks?

Do you know that the overtime format that allows these high scoring games to happen has been in place less than 10 years? This juicy little tidbit is about as relevant as the fact that Derek Jeter is MLB's all time postseason hits leader. More games/overtime periods equal more chances to get hits/score points. It's not very complicated.

Do you know that the nation's 1-2 teams each average more than 41 points? Do you know that Missouri is the only team in the country to score at least 31 points every time out? Do you know that West Virginia just dropped 66 on Connecticut?

And neither Jim Calhoun nor Bob Huggins were involved?

That's hilarious! Because that number of points is commonly associated with a college basketball game, and those two gentlemen coach the men's basketball teams at those two universities! I get it! So much comedy. I really love it when a contest that takes place in a certain sport ends with a number of scored points that is commonly associated with another sport, and commentators/writers/analysts point out that idiosyncrasy! Examples:

Baseball score: 14-13 Sportswriter: "Looks like the losing team missed the extra point!"
Football score: 9-7 Sportswriter: "They were passing the ball around with sticks that had little nets on the end. It was like a lacrosse game out there!"
Basketball score: 119-114 Sportswriter: "Sounds like both teams brought their cricket bats, and played cricket instead of basketball!"

And so on and so forth. Man, that just cracks me up every time it happens.

Gag.

College football has morphed into the equivalent of gorging on a pizza with everything -- without the guilt.

I don't even know if that's a joke. It could be... maybe? Just for bringing up the concept of feeling guilty about eating pizza (what is this, a "Cathy" cartoon strip?), I'm counting it. That's four.

Disney should be working on a new theme park right now.

The Chase Daniel Experience?

That's five. Also, are there even any Disney parks titled "The ______ Experience"? Wouldn't this non-joke work better if the punchline were "Chase Daniel World" or the setup were "A progressive rock band should be working on a new album right now"?

If the NCAA decides to make a highlight film of 2007, it should be 15 minutes of Missouri's offense, 15 minutes of West Virginia's offense and 30 minutes of a defensive back with his weeping face buried in his hands.

Six.

West Virginia and Missouri conjure visions of pinball machines. The nation's No. 2 rushing offense -- ping! ping! ping! -- vs. the country's No. 5 passing offense.

Seven. Pinball? What year are we in? (No offense to any of our older readers who might have grown up with pinball and still enjoy it.)

You'd need a curfew because the championship game starts at 7 p.m. local time. Five hours later we'd be in the third quarter.

Who would need a curfew? Minors? Everyone? This is incomplete. I'm calling it number eight.

Ohio State? There's no story there. Sen. Jim Tressel (R-Columbus)

Nine. I was hoping for a sweater vest joke.

and his well-rested squad spent 51 days last year getting ready for a game they lost by 27 points. This time they would have sat on their, uh, laurels

What a funny synonym for, uh, asses!

for 15 days before being awarded a trip to New Orleans. That isn't game prep, it's water boarding.

Very topical. Still bad joke number 10, because waiting for a bowl invitation has nothing in common with being in pain/being tortured. If you want to say "Watching Ohio State in the National Championship Game would be like water boarding," well, I'll listen to that. Even though it's still dumb.

The reigning mood would be irony. In a rebuilding year the Bucks somehow got back to the championship game after losing to an unranked team at home.

That is not irony. It would be irony, if, for example, last year Ohio State had been unranked and beaten #1 Michigan in the Big House, knocking them out of the title game. But that's not what happened. In fact, there is nothing ironic about what happened.

Gee, what a heart-warming story. Someone please pass me a Kleenex.

Again with the flagrant taunting. As much as I hate OSU, it's pretty awkward and off-putting.

The game, dear Michael, is reinventing itself in front of our eyes. The Tigers and Mountaineers would take our hands and lead us into the 21st century. I counted four receivers for Missouri on Saturday night that I thought could play in the NFL.

If Dennis Dodd says so, then it must be true. I hope those guys have all hired agents and booked flights to New York for the last weekend in April.

Wideout/return man Jeremy Maclin is the best all-purpose return guy since Reggie Bush.

What the hell is an all-purpose return guy? A guy who returns both punts and kicks? That's like saying a running back who stays in to block on passing downs is an all-purpose backfield guy.

West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez practically invented the spread. He was running it 15 years ago at Glenville State. The Mountaineers have won at least a share of four of the past five Big East titles.

An odd assemblage of simple facts with no punchline. How did this get in here?

You're not looking for the best game, Mike, you're looking for a brand name. Well, shucks, Nebraska isn't available so why not Ohio State?

That's eleven, although it's really more nonsensical than unfunny. Clearly anyone who thinks OSU belongs in the title game is purely interested in "brand names." I mean, it's not like they're one of only four teams in D-I (yes, I'm still calling it D-I, what the hell is this FBS/FCS bullshit?) with less than two losses. I mean, again, I hate them and they've beaten exactly no one so far this year. Still- dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

As I mentioned, the game is changing around us. Twelve teams in the top five have lost to unranked teams this season.

Ohio State is the only one of the dozen still in realistic championship contention.

That's because they're the only one of the dozen to not lose to anyone else. Of course, they didn't really play anyone else. But facts are facts. USC lost to Oregon. LSU lost to Arkansas. Losing once is generally viewed as better than losing twice, regardless of schedule strength. It's the way things go.

In the interest of full disclosure, yes, I am a Missouri grad. We've all got to be from somewhere.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! How interesting! No wonder he thinks Missouri has four NFL caliber receivers.

But I'm also a Tiger who picked Kansas last week.

Irrelevant.

My degree doesn't disqualify me from weighing in on the topic.

No, but your bad sense of humor should disqualify you from writing jokes.

I know Missouri's current entertainment value. It has earned its place at No. 1 if suffering counts for anything. This is a program that once gave up 77 to Oklahoma -- and scored zero. I know that fans waited 14 years between bowl games from 1983 to 1997. I know that we, er, they also had a coach flashing a Super Bowl ring (yes, Missouri had its own Charlie Weis), now he coordinates the defense for New Mexico State. Thanks, Woody Widenhofer.

All irrelevant.

For the sake of keeping everyone awake until Jan. 7, make it the best game. The sexiest game.


Yeah, baby.

"Yeah, baby" indeed. Sex? Yes please! Thanks for giving us a nice round number of terrible jokes by closing out the column with number 12. And this might be the worst of the bunch. Austin Powers... yeah, I remember when that was relevant... like six or seven years ago. Might as well have wrapped things up with a Baja Men reference.

Who let the Dennis Dodd out?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA