I've Been Waiting For This

Jay Mariotti is finally back from vacation. He had to have been on vacation, because there's no reason that he wouldn't have written a column bashing Ozzie Guillen over the last 4 days or so. The old favorites are coming back, in a classic Jay article that reminds me of just how much I hate every piece of dribble he puts in a newspaper. Hold on tight everyone, and enjoy the ride.

Ozzie, Sox: Chicago's rude, crude embarrassment

That's a good start. Has anyone written an article like this recently? This Jay article is unique because unlike the other monotonous things he writes, every other journalist in Chicago is saying the same thing.

The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side. After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, ``Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,'' well, you'll never guess what happened.

Fitting for Mariotti to blame the no-hitter breakup on the broadcaster. Just simply fitting.

Fact of the matter is, Floyd has like an even K/BB ratio and, prior to last night, had one a pretty bad GB/FB ratio (0.66). Him getting a no-hitter would have been just as unlikely as Mark Buehrle doing it last year was.

It's just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn't deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow.

Sounds like someone has a man-crush! Was Ozzie right about you being a fag?

It isn't news, of course, that

Now wait. If this isn't news, why is the following large chunk of information being printed in a paper in which to read news?

Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I'm just wondering how he's still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I'd understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

Well done, Jay. That might have been your best tirade in years.

My one problem is that bad stand-up comics have trouble getting the respect of a baseball team and that most of them aren't insanely good at managing pitcher workloads.

But I've gotta say. I might memorize that block of insults for the next time I get really mad at somebody.

But he's a baseball manager. And since July of 2006,

ZOMG ZOMG! IT'S COMING! I CAN FEEL IT!!!

a sample size that has become more truth than trend, his team has largely failed.

We're getting close....

It's one thing to act like an idiot and win a championship, which causes folks to think you're a crazy genius.

Uh huh....

It's quite another to act like an idiot and go 124-151

!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I didn't copy and paste a video of a parade marching from YouTube. But here we are, on May 7th, 2008. We're STILL talking about the record of a baseball team since July 2, 2006. That date was the only relevant date in baseball history.

proving only that your act isn't working and that you're killing an organization with your relentless immaturity and gutter-sludge mouth.

Oh gee, that's a new one Jay. Ozzie's "act" isn't working, because the team hasn't been good. Does Ozzie play baseball? Does the team get on base more when he isn't a lightning rod of attention? The White Sox as an organization are being "killed" because Ozzie swears too much? Really???? Maybe a LITTLE bit of mismatched cause-and-effect somewhere in there?

The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution, as opposed to Guillen, who belongs in one.

ZING! Did....did you guys see what he did there? It was pretty pretty clever!

The Cubs are easy to like.

The Sox are easy to loathe.

That's like, too opinionated to even be printed in an opinion column.

Okay, I didn't even print everything in the article to this point. After 5 full paragraphs and 3 one-liners, we're finally ready for Jay to start reporting the news, that is, stuff that he hasn't said a billion times already.

The latest episode inside Guillen's clubhouse, involving inflatable female dolls and strategically placed bats in a frat-house attempt to end the club's offensive woes, is an insult to women.

Everyone reading this blog pretty much knows what Jay's personality is like. Do you really believe that he gives a shit about the blow-up dolls? He's literally modifying his feelings to lash out at Guillen some more.

This comes after incidents in which he slurred gays, insulted nations, blew off the White House and angered folks in his native Venezuela with his tirade against Magglio Ordonez. So comprehensive is his list of victims, he's almost running out of targets.

Did I say Jay was done repeating himself.......?

::checks a little bit above::

Yeah. I did. My fault.

I cannot think of another company -- another sports team -- that would tolerate this unceasing run of verbal thuggery, especially when he isn't succeeding on the field.

FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME. OZZIE GUILLEN CANNOT SUCCEED ON THE FIELD. HE IS A MANAGER. HE IS A MANAGER WHO DOES NOT PLAY BASEBALL. YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO ANALYZE THE CHICAGO CUBS AS A BASEBALL TEAM SOMETIMES. TRY IT FOR BOTH TEAMS YOU REPORT ON.

YOU ARE THE CLOWN DOOFUS OF SPORTS, A DISGRACE TO A CITY, A FRANCHISE, INTELLIGENT HUMANITY, AND THOSE OF US WHO MUST CHRONICLE YOUR ARRESTED-ADOLESCENT B.S. TO THE POINT OF AD NAUSEUM. I'M JUST WONDERING HOW YOU'RE STILL EMPLOYED. IF THIS WAS BAD STANDUP COMEDY, I'D UNDERSTAND WHY A TRASHY NIGHTCLUB MIGHT HIRE YOU TO HUMOR DRUNKS FOR $5.50 AN HOUR.

If Guillen didn't directly participate in purchasing and displaying the dolls, well, put it this way: He sets the trashy tone. The man isn't exactly stable, which wouldn't bother me if he didn't represent this proud city and a sport that has endured a long steroids scandal and doesn't need dirt of any sort.

Like I've said before, this isn't even close to the worst thing that happens in a clubhouse.

Yet there was Williams, Reinsdorf's yes-man and the one who signed off on Guillen's hiring, making fun of the episode Tuesday and refusing to issue a formal apology. One of Guillen's favorite words -- hypocrite -- is exactly what he and the Sox have become.

ZOMG! Jay's about to call someone(thing) else a hypocrite again! Don't you love irony? Let's see how he fucks this up.

You cannot market ``Family Field Day'' on May 17 and a ticket package called the ``Ozzie Plan,'' then let the face of your franchise cultivate an R-rated atmosphere with more F-bombs than a Chris Rock routine.

Why? Why can you not market these things? It's not like it's called "Family Tour of the R-Rated Clubhouse Day." And that thing about the "Ozzie Plan" is totally irrelevant. Does anyone see why he even mentioned the "Ozzie Plan?" You can't name a ticket plan after a guy who has a potty mouth? This makes no fucking sense.

``I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form," [Kenny Williams] cracked. ``In all seriousness, it is a little bit of a disappointment because we have proactively tried to -- and just did so this spring training -- organizationally, we brought in some people to discuss a better work environment, whether it's gender issues or racial issues. I don't know what a formal apology on behalf of the club is going to do, other than me assuring everyone we are on top of it and we addressed the issue.''

Thank you.

Sure, you did. Just as the Sox and Major League Baseball ``addressed'' matters two summers ago by having Guillen attend sensitivity training, which obviously helped.

Guillen wasn't the one responsible for the blow-up shrine.

Reinsdorf and Williams think they're above these issues, when, in fact, the issues define who they are as executives and human beings.

No. Shut the fuck up. Whether or not there are blow-up dolls in the locker room absofuckinglutely does NOT define who Reinsdorf and Williams are as human beings, and CERTAINLY not as executives. What could either of them had to do with any of this? Are these issues supreme to the success of the team baseball-wise? One thing is completely clear: you, Jay Mariotti, have your head far enough up your ass to the point where you think so.

Unfortunately, some media fear Reinsdorf and curry his favor, which might explain why WMVP-AM's Marc Silverman -- who seems thrilled to have Reinsdorf on the station's ``Lunch With a Legend'' series -- was more eager to criticize his on-air guest, the Sun-Times' Carol Slezak, than simply interview her about her post-dolls, anti-Sox column.

I'm totally siding with Marc Silverman on this one. Criticizing Carol Slezak is a lot of fun.

Keeping with his track record, Guillen was too small to issue an apology to the offended. ``If people think we did something wrong, wow. I'm not going to apologize, I'm not going to say I'm sorry,'' he said. ``I don't know what to say. I can't come up with the words because as soon as I say that, that means I'm guilty of something. I'm not guilty."

He is guilty as sin, actually, for making a mockery of his craft. Can you imagine such a trail of trash ever being littered in Boston, New York? Could you imagine a manager keeping a job through it all, no matter how many championships he won?

Now you're basically copying Carol Slezak's column from a few days ago. This is not smart, Jay. In fact, it's bordering on plagiarism. Can you come up with your own ideas, please? Here's a copy of a sentence from Carol's piece.

Can you imagine the Yankees or Red Sox building a similar shrine in their locker room, in full view of clubhouse visitors?

Complete coincidence that you decided to evaluate the incident against the standards of the same teams, hmmm? Totally by chance, right?

Could you imagine a manager keeping a job through it all, no matter how many championships he won?

For the love of God, YES! If Trashy Awesometon is managing my baseball team and winning the World Series every year and banging strippers in the clubhouse every day while using countless ethnic slurs, he's my manager because he has the supernatural ability to win the World Series every single year, which is the supreme goal of baseball, which you should try to write about sometimes instead of trash like this.

As long as reporters have work to do, and as long as clubhouses are open to media, a sports franchise has a responsibility to maintain a civil, orderly, professional workplace.

Why? You don't hold yourself to the same standard. You are quite possibly the least professional human being alive who sucks up newspaper space every time you decide you want to rant about Ozzie Guillen or Ken Harrelson.

I don't subscribe to any boys-will-be-boys junk when it comes to working environments.

Interesting. Here's another quip from Carol Slezak.

And just so we're clear, the tired ''boys will be boys'' excuse no longer works.

WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN COLUMN.

If players want to go through ``Slumpbuster'' rituals with inflatable dolls, do it in the trainer's room, where the media can't see it. When you make it public, the organization is judged accordingly.

So you do condone sticking wooden bats up the arse of a doll. Doesn't exactly help your argument any.

The Blizzard finally might have made sense when he suggested media be banned from the clubhouse. I don't blame athletes for feeling invaded when they're attempting to shower and dress in the presence of reporters, especially in a time of camera phones and other creepiness. I understand the importance of media access, but it's more sensible to bring players into a large interview area before and after games. That's how it is done on Super Bowl media day. That's how it is done at the Olympics. Is it a pain for the media? Sure. But how would you like to be showering at work and have 50 reporters bust in?

This is a good point.

Besides, it sure beats hanging out in Guillen's den of doom, watching his career disintegrate with every stunt, F-bomb and non-apology.

Yeah, and besides, you don't go anywhere near that place, because you know that there are literally tens of people just waiting to beat the living shit out of you, including Ozzie himself. Can we set that fight up, please?