Bill fixes the Lakers, tests my patience (part 3)

To briefly recap, step 1 to saving the Lakers is to be bad next season, win the draft lottery and get Andrew Wiggins.  Step 2 is to clear cap space and sign LeBron.  Are you with Bill so far?  It's a bit complicated (only an NBA NERD with SOPHISTICATED KNOWLEDGE of the salary cap and which players are good and which players are not could possibly have hatched this plan) so he'll excuse you if you're a little behind.

3. Trade Steve Nash to Toronto.

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Steve Nash turns 40 in February.  He's perhaps the worst defensive player in the league at this point.  He just came off a season in which he only played 50 games and showed heavy statistical regression.  Meanwhile, the Raptors sort of kind of showed some life late throughout the spring and maybe kind of contended for a playoff spot for the first time in five years.  They would have been trounced by the Heat in the first round had they made it, but hey, the point is, they're on the upswing, trying to build around a respectable young core.  They already have the "Hey, he's somewhat competent" Kyle Lowry manning the point.  There is zero reason for them to do the Lakers the favor of taking Nash's crappy contract.

Admittedly, Nash doesn't have much market value right now. He's 39 years old, his body is breaking down in a variety of ways, he seemed a step and a half slow last season, he's a turnstile defensively, and he's making $9.3 million in 2014 and $9.7 million in 2015. Other than that, he's pretty enticing. 

Careful, NERD ALERT ahead.

But you know where he's still a hero? CANADA! What would be better than Nash finishing his career on Canada's only NBA team?

You know what would be better for Toronto's coaching staff and front office?  Not bringing on a sentimental favorite who can barely play anymore, solely for the sake of helping the second most hated team in the NBA clear cap space for a run at LeBron.

Now here's where you say, Wait a second, the Raptors just hired Masai Ujiri from Denver. 

/Nuggets fan Larry B grinds teeth

That dude is a shrewd mf'er — he'd never trade for Nash. Au contraire! Thanks to Rudy Gay's onerously onerous deal, DeMar DeRozan's extension, the cap-clogging quartet of Landry Fields, Marcus Camby, Tyler Hansbrough and Steve Novak (nearly $20 million combined in 2014-15) and a few other commitments, Toronto can't become a free-agent player until the summer of 2015 ... right as Nash's deal is expiring. So why not bring him aboard as their feel-good Canadian basketball ambassador?

Hey, fuck it, the guy basically has no knees left, he just registered his worst season in ten years, he can't play defense... but the Raptors aren't going to go after free agents during the summer of 2014, SO WHY NOT PAY HIM $10 MILLION A YEAR TO PROBABLY CONTRIBUTE NEXT TO NOTHING?  WHO SAYS NO?????

Do you realize trading for Nash would immediately become one of Canada's five greatest NBA moments ever? 

FOUR AND ONLY FOUR MOMENTS HAVE BEEN BETTER

Since Toronto and Vancouver were added as expansion teams in 1995, here's that list right now:

Highlight No. 1: Vince Carter wins the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest.

Highlight No. 2: The Raptors come within a missed Vince jumper of advancing to the 2001 Eastern finals.

Highlight No. 3: Kobe scores 81 points against the Raptors. Hey, at least they were part of history.

Highlight No. 4: The Grizzlies move to Memphis (so Vancouver doesn't have to watch them anymore).

That would have been a sweet joke in 2004.

Highlight No. 5: Actually, we're done. You want to know what the greatest running Canadian NBA moment is? Every time Vince comes back to Toronto, they boo him lustily for four quarters. It's the only real Canadian basketball tradition they have. I'd say they need to rent a basketball ambassador. Call me crazy.

You're not crazy, you're just stupid, unfunny, a bad writer, and maybe 1/4th as smart as you think you are.

Anyway, here's my offer: Nash for Linas Kleiza's expiring contract and Aaron Gray's expiring contract. I can't do better than that. I'M GIVING YOU CANADIAN BASKETBALL HERO STEVE NASH FOR TWO SCRUBS!!!!!! Take him! I'm putting a ribbon on him, including a Labatt hat and everything! Just call this trade into the commissioner's office already.

(By the way, I just downgraded the Lakers' 2014-15 salary cap to $0.00.)

If he were more self-aware and less prone to being a self-important little shit, I would think he meant the tone there to be jokingly cocky.  Like if you do something totally trivial, like successfully shoot a balled up piece of paper into a trash can from ten feet away, and then shout "I AM THE GREATEST ATHLETE OF ALL TIME."  But no, I'm pretty sure he's being actually, legitimately, cocky there; sincerely celebrating the nonsensical trade he negotiated against himself.  In case you weren't aware, Bill Simmons is a piece of shit.

4. Trade Pau Gasol.

You know who's not helping us Riggin' for Wiggins? A future Hall of Famer playing for a new contract. I don't need Pau dropping 23 and 11 every night. No thanks. That leaves two possible trade destinations for him.

To the extent we're taking this seriously (and that extent should be: not at all, not even one little bit, but let's do it just this one time for just this one little part of the article), if they traded Nash and Gasol, Kobe would demand to be traded and threaten to retire if they didn't do so.  And while I said a couple posts ago that Laker fans could get over the idea of not getting LeBron (if the team makes some moves this offseason to improve their chances in 2014 while also ruining their cap room), I can promise you they would never, ever, ever, ever, ever get over Kobe leaving the team on bad terms and finishing his career in a different jersey.  And thus, those trades would happen: never.  To be honest, I am a little surprised at how well Kobe took the amnestying of MWP.  But I would imagine that if they go any further in cutting salary/scuttling next year's team, they're going to have one irate Kobe on their hands.

Whew.  My head hurts.

• Destination No. 1: Hey, Cleveland, why roll the dice on Andrew Bynum's fusilli knee ligaments when you can rent Pau in a contract year? You know he'll be motivated. You know he's one of the league's best 25 players when healthy — a superior low-post player, a proven playoff guy and a perennial staple on the NBA's "Most Fun Guys to Play Basketball With" All-Stars. 

And on the "Guys Who Play for the Lakers but Who Boston Fans Would Allow to Date Their Sistahs" All-Stars.

Why not use your excess cap space to upgrade from Anderson Varejao ($9.8 million expiring) to Gasol ($19.3 million) and flip the Lakers your 2014 no. 1 pick for their trouble? The Lakers save $30 million in luxury tax money, add a first-rounder and willingly worsen their team. Cleveland becomes a pseudo-contender while preserving their cap space to get their hearts broken by LeBron again next summer. Everyone wins!

Clearly the Lakers would not do this.  It's too bad Varejao is made out of glass, because if he were a good bet to play 70+ games next year, I could argue that the Cavs wouldn't do it either.  A healthy Varejao is one of the best rebounders and defenders in the NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION.  He also runs the pick and roll just fine (Gasol may be better, but whatever), meaning he's not exactly dragging their offense down.  I don't think they'd give up their first in a loaded draft to get the offensive upgrade and defensive downgrade Gasol would represent.

Even better — this trade gives the Lakers a low-post combo of Chris Kaman (always gets hurt) and Varejao (always gets hurt). They could be the Twin Owww-ers. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Better than your Thanksgiving dinner of bad basketball joke from last post.

You're not getting more than 75 games combined from Kaman and Varejao next season unless they're borrowing copious amounts of PEDs from the Seattle Seahawks defense. 

A cross-sport reference!  What happened to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge reference I requested?  Is he saving it for later?

And even then, you're probably not getting there. Who's ready for a little Robert Sacre next season! Check that — who's ready for A LOT OF ROBERT SACRE next season!

Probably not your franchise cornerstone/most popular player.  You know what, fuck it, I need to stop taking his analysis seriously like I promised I would.

• Destination No. 2: Flip Gasol's expiring contract to Chicago for Luol Deng's and Kirk Hinrich's expiring contracts. Just a fascinating trade. 

"I'm so glad I thought of it, aren't you?"

The Bulls know Jimmy Butler can replace Deng's minutes, and that a crunch-time five of Gasol, Joakim Noah, Derrick Rose, Butler and Mike Dunleavy Jr. (to spread the floor) would be more potent than Noah, Carlos Boozer, Deng, Butler and Rose. They'd have to say yes.

WHO DOESN'T SAY YES???

For the Lakers, they'd keep Deng for a couple of months before rerouting him to a contender for expiring deals and a pick. (You don't need Deng in a contract year making you slightly better than you need to be.) But here's the crucial part …

NERD ALERT!

The Lakers can't sign LeBron after he wins his third straight NBA title for the simple reason that, in the history of basketball, the best player on a championship team has NEVER subsequently ditched that team. Shit, even Wilt wouldn't have done that. LeBron would get crucified for turning his back on a chance to win four straight.

Good point!  He would never do something like that!  When has LeBron ever made a decision that involved turning his back on something, and then gotten crucified for it, and come out ahead in the long run?

No competitive person would ever, in a million years, do something like that. 

Unless a certain VP of NERDERY on their new team talked them into it!

That's why the Lakers need to improve the Bulls — they can't get LeBron unless Chicago, Houston, Oklahoma City, Indiana or Golden State beats the Heat. And Chicago's the best bet of them all.

(Wolf Pope Simmons's recommendation: Make the Deng-Gasol trade.)

Larry B's recommendation: stop reading this blog, and any other blog or website that might bring you into contact with Bill's writing.  You're getting stupider every time his ideas enter your brain.

Mailbag? More like mailBAD, Part 2

In which we hear about how Kobe is a bad person for wanting to win rings and score points.

Q: Hey Sports Czar — what's your fix for NFL kickoffs? You can't run for Sports Czar if you are sitting this one out.
— Jeremy, Omaha

You also shouldn't be able to run for Sports Czar (what a depressing title, not sure I like the choice of words there) if you know a medium amount about one sport, pretend to know a lot about 50% of the teams in another when in fact you have your head up your ass with regard to the entire sport, sort of like a third sport but only for gambling purposes (and you suck at gambling on it), and have no further sports knowledge whatsoever.  That list of qualifications should definitely prevent you from running for Sports Tyrant.

SG: We can't get rid of kickoffs entirely, right? 

Actually, you pretty much could.

/ducks to avoid tomatoes thrown by Bears fans

The problem from a strategic standpoint would be doing away with the opportunity for onside kicks.

For such a violent sport, we can't suddenly start picking which violent parts make more sense than others. 

I'm not saying the league should do away with kickoffs, just that the small amount of variation in outcomes among KORs and the degree to which they generate full speed ahead helmet to helmet hits makes them different than any other play in the game.  Saying "durr all plays are violent, we can't pick and choose" is like saying "in theory a batter can hit any pitch with the right swing, so why have a strike zone."  Insert some nuance into your thinking you fucking clod.

At the same time, this seems like a good chance to tweak the sport so there's more incentive to go for touchdowns instead of field goals. Why? Because fans perk up when they hear the words "fourth down and they're going for it!" and lose interest when they hear the words "and here comes [fill in any kicker] to try a field goal." 

That's a reasonable thing to think.  Now watch him completely fuck the dog trying to find a way to make it work by messing with kickoff rules.

So, what if we tweaked the rules …

• No more kickoffs to start the first and third quarters. Instead, each team gets the ball on the 25-yard line and we go from there.

WE CAN'T JUST CHOOSE WHICH KICKOFFS ARE MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT THAN OTHERS!  THEY'RE ALL VIOLENT!  What about onside sneak attack kicks?  They rarely happen, but can be pretty fun.  Super Bowl XLIV?

• After any successful field goal, you kick off from your own 25-yard line.


• After any touchdown, you kick off from your own 40-yard line.

Dumb, every one of those is either going to be in the 10th row of the stands or an onside attempt, meaning the return team would simply line up in onside recover formation every time and DURRRRRR SPORTS CZAR AT WORK EVERYONE, GET OUT OF HIS WAY.

The end result (hopefully): fewer field goals, more touchbacks, more "fourth down and they're going for it!" situations, and (most important) more decisions that will get screwed up by mentally overwhelmed coaches and eventually turn into comedic fodder!

The ironing.  So tasty.  Also, I like that he thinks that losing maybe 10 or 15 yards of field position at the start of the next possession is going to get teams to start going for it on 4th like gangbusters.  It's the 2nd quarter of a 10-7 game, or some other similarly low leverage situation.  You're a head coach.  Congratulations, you're already more qualified for your job than Josh McDaniels ever was.  Your team is facing 4th and 6 from the other team's 25.  Or maybe it's 4th and 9 from the 18.  Or maybe it's 4th and 4 from the 32.  Are you going to spend more than a second thinking about going for it there due to Bill's rule?  I mean, if it existed and I were a coach, I'd probably start going for every 4th and 2 or less inside my 15 during the first three quarters of the game.  And that's about it.  How in the world would it change your strategy in a close game in the 4th quarter?  Even on 4th and inches from the 5, any sane coach is still kicking the FG if it's a tie game, or they're down by 1 or 2.  Probably if they're down by 3 as well.

I'll concede that it might inspire more coaches to go for the knockout blow; i.e., if you're facing 4th and inches from the 5 and you're up 2 with a minute to play, might make more sense to go for the TD to end the game than to get a 5 point lead and give the other team the ball around their own 35.  But still, come on man.  You're dumb.

Let's apply the revamped rules to a game situation. 

Let's!

It's Sunday night and San Diego is playing Philly. 

OOOH A CLASSIC BOLTS/NESHARIM MATCHUP!

The Eagles are trailing by four points with seven minutes to play. They're on San Diego's 22-yard line. It's fourth-and-four. If they make the field goal, they're still trailing by one, and they have to kick off from their own 25 (conceivably, giving San Diego excellent field position to finish off the game). But if they get the first down? Better chance of scoring the go-ahead touchdown coupled with an overwhelming chance of a touchback kickoff (and San Diego starting their next drive from their own 20).

Yeah, sort of makes things interesting when a team is down between four and eight points in that situation.  Doesn't change a damn thing with any other margin.

So what would Andy Reid do? (Thinking.) Well, he'd waste a timeout to think about it —

That's fine, but I liked my McDaniels joke better.

and if he could waste a timeout by challenging the previous play, then spend a second timeout to think about fourth down, even better. 

You had it, then you lost it.

Then he'd probably decide on kicking a field goal because that would be the dumbest move. Then we could poke fun at him the next day for the entire sequence. See what I mean? We need more decisions in football; there's just no downside. 

The downsides are that you're effectively getting rid of onside kicks after a team scores a TD, and also fixing what isn't broken in a moronically complex way that will ultimately have little effect on anything.

We win anytime Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Mike Smith or whoever has to make a decision with multiple variables in the spur of the moment.

Onion headline for this:  Mouthbreathing idiot enjoys idiocy of other idiots in other professions

Q: Any chance we can get Bobby V. to make some pro-Castro comments sometime soon?


— @sethrobbins77 (via twitter)

God, Red Sox fans are such cunts that they almost make me want Valentine to be successful.

SG: Good one. 

TOPICAL REFERENCE!  NIIIIIICE BRO

You got me thinking about Boston's equivalent sore spot to pro-Castro comments in Miami — what's the one thing Bobby V could say that would potentially get him driven out of town?

I think we all know some things Bobby could say that would make Boston real upset.  I'm not going to say what they are, I'm just saying we all know what they are.  Joel Ward.

It could go one of two routes. Either he'd have to make the following 10 points in the SAME interview …


[list of 10 things that would make Valentine totally awesome if he said them]

OR …

He'd have to answer a question about Boston's busing riots in 1974 by saying something like, "I know that stuff happened almost 40 years ago, but I don't care — I'll always believe Boston is a racist city and you'll never be able to tell me differently." Every city has one sore spot. For Miami, it's Castro. For Boston, it's the racism thing.

That's a great parallel.  Lots of people in Miami hate Castro so you can really piss them off if you compliment him, and lots of people in Boston are racist so you can really piss them off if you point that out.

Q: Billy, how come you didn't do a post Super Bowl mailbag when you're supposed to do a post Super Bowl mailbag? My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and do a mailbag at the same time!


— Gisele, Boston

Hope that person was a Giants fan trolling him, although it's totally possible that it's some jackoff Patriots fan continuing to try to blame Welker for Brady's bad throws.

SG: Gisele just reminded me of something: If there was ever a week for Tom Brady to give an interview and say, "You know, I'm 35 years old, I'm at the tail end of my prime, I don't know how many years I have left here … man, I wish we'd stop rolling over these no. 1 picks to next year's draft and just bring in a couple of blue-chippers once and for all," isn't this the week? 

Like Belichick gives a shit about Brady's legacy.  He might not even know Brady's name.  MUMBLEROBBLE HEY QUARTERBACK!  YOU!  NUMBER 12!

Speaking of aging superstars facing the tail end of their primes …

6 FOR 24 LOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Q: What are the odds that Kobe isn't really hurt, just sitting out the last few games because he doesn't want to lose the scoring title?


— Crooney, Miami

SG: Are you crazy? Don't you realize that every time Kobe misses a game, he thinks to himself, I just lost 29 more career points? I wouldn't be surprised if his office at home has a wall covered with some sort of Beautiful Mind–type scribbling that calculates in great detail every single scoring checkpoint he needs to hit from now until 2018 to catch Kareem. Kobe cares about two things and two things only: winning a sixth ring (to tie MJ) and breaking that scoring record (which would make him immortal, and he knows it). Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Surprisingly non-bitter answer.  He tried to make "he cares a ton about winning another championship and obtaining the all time scoring title" sound like a backhanded compliment, but unfortunately for him, it's just a regular old compliment.

Q: I already saw it as I commuted into the office at 8:00 am … I could sense it as I popped up out of the State Street stop … the abnormal warmth, the pep in the step of the women who passed by, the smiles … today is the day! it's "Halter Top Day!!! Expected high of 87 on Marathon Monday … a bevy of beautiful women roaming the city in sun dresses or booty shorts and yes halter tops! Will there be sunbathing in Columbus park and the Common? Oh yes, because in this year of 2012 remember April 16th as Halter Top Day in Boston!


— Brandon, Boston

Only super old dudes are allowed to say shit like that.  Unless you're over 85, step in front of the first moving cement mixer you see.

SG: The greatest Boston day (Patriots' Day) merged with the second-greatest Boston day (Halter Top Day)???? And the Red Sox lost??? How could the Red Sox lose on Halter Top Patriots' Day???? We're headed for 72-90, I'm convinced.

It's a patented triple non-reverse double jinx!  I'd laugh harder, but I get the impression he really feels like these things work.  He's like the 9 year old kid who thinks his favorite team wins or loses because he did or didn't wear his lucky hat.

That's enough for tonight, my blood pressure is plenty high already.  Will try to finish this off later in the week.  What's that, you say?  There's more?  Of course there is!  There's yet another love letter to Steve Nash, a disaster of an answer related to The Hunger Games, and--you're never going to believe this--a breakdown of whether or not Bill and the Sports Gal are planning on having another kid!  Try to contain your exuberance.