I have a Simmons post waiting in the wings, I promise

It'll be ready in a hot minute (or 24 hot hours). In the meantime, since I'm low on sleep and creativity, let's continue to beat this long-dead "ESPN is a fucking tabloid" horse into unrecognizable smithereens. I only write 1.5 posts a week and something from this topic area is usually one of them, true, but take a look at their front page news stories as of Tuesday night:

Five of those eleven stories can be best characterized as omgDRAMAwaittilyouhearTHIS. God only knows why they didn't have the Quinn/Tebow dogshit up there; probably because CBS or NBC owns GQ or something. Man, that list just blows my mind. As Jack M put it, that Lin/Humphries story is the Pentagon Papers of sports news, isn't it? Engaging. Captivating. Relevant to each and every American. (And yes, it is what you think: sound bites from Humphries explaining that Lin told him he's a good player and to ignore the thousands of fuckwits that boo him everywhere he goes.)

Meanwhile, in BizzaroBristol CBS, FOX/MSN, and CNNSI were rolling out a lineup that was actually mostly about sports. What a mindfuck.

By my count that's 26 of 33 headlines about actual, like, stuff, that's like, happening and kinda sorta matters. Who reads that shit? Stop teasing me with substantive news and give me the good shit. Has Jeremy Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod recently? Has LeBron tweeted anything about what Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod? Has Big Papi flipped his bat at spring training yet? TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT PITTSBURGH'S FAVORITE OAF/RAPIST IS GETTING CALLS FROM HIS NEW COORDINATOR IN MID FEBRUARY. IF THEY DON'T BUILD THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW HOW ARE THEY GOING TO WIN ANY PREPREPREPRESEASON GAMES?

My laziness and inability to write a quality post this week is eclipsed only by my disdain for everything that is ESPN. And do I visit ESPN.com several times a day? Of course I do. Because I'm a fucking sheep. Man, I hate everything right now.

HEY! Don't you like SPORTS?

Of course you don't! You just pretend to like sports because it's a conduit for the exciting off the field drama and irrelevant bullshit that really make your dick hard! Celebrity gossip is too feminine for your tastes (and that suddenly hard dick you've got). You and your halfwit friends wouldn't be caught dead sitting around watching reality TV; but a football game on a football field? Now that's footballtaining! Of course, I'm talking about the storylines and trash talk and hissy fits and other thrilling events that don't really have anything to do with the games being played. The games themselves are like "eh." Here, I'll stop trying to explain you to yourself and just show you a screencap of ESPN's front page stories right now.

Let's take a look, going down the list in order.

#1: Fair enough, that's sports. It's part of RIVALRY WEEK full of RIVALRY GAMES like this one, during which most of the country was not rooting for either team but was in fact rooting for THE METEOR.

#2: Also sports... a tragic, pathetic part of the world of sports right now but still legitimate sports topic all the same.

#3: I don't think I have to explain to you what's going on here.

#4 and #5: You're cool, although the obnoxious crescendo of will he won't he omg what's he going to do stories is just about as fun as the same stories Carmelo generated last year at this time.

#6: Well, there are two really really important stories that came out of the Super Bowl. I'm sure you'll agree with me that they are 1) what the losing QB's wife had to say about the QB's teammates and 2) what the winning team's backup RB had to say about 1).

#7: Holy shit, is that a soccer story? Of course it's fairly common knowledge that ESPN has invested heavily in soccer broadcasting rights in recent years, but if you didn't know that, this would be a good clue to you that it were the case.

#8: Oh, one last really important story from Super Bowl weekend- what some asshole who hasn't played in four years thinks about what a current player did once the season was over.

#9: Actual sports. BORRRRRIIIIING

#10: Not mindless gossip or "drama," but utterly devoid of substance and merely posted on the front page because it contains the word Kobe.

#11: Is he talking about the Minnesota Timberwolves? What league are they in again?

I wish I had grabbed the screenshot about 4 hours earlier, before the evening's games were complete. Then we could have also discussed "Jets to pay Holmes $15.25M guaranteed," which is not actually about sports but about his RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS TEAM WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOOD, and "Suh is fourth on Forbes' most-disliked list" which may shock you but is in fact about something besides sports. This is where we are in the year 2012, people. The country's loudest sports network covers the country's most popular league by shoveling complete garbage down viewers' throats. In theory this practice occurs because the market demands it; those stories get clicked millions of times so they go on the font page. In practice, I suspect ESPN is shaping the market just as much as they're reacting to it. If they can get sports fans that are more interested in interview sound bites than what actually happens on the field and in front offices, it's that much easier for them to generate content. It takes a lot of work to report on real stories. It takes almost no work at all to say oooooooh look at what X said about Y! Isn't that captivating?!?!?!

Fuck it, this weekend I'm going back to writing TMQRs. At least that guy cares about the games.

I should also admit, I'm a little over-focused on ESPN when it comes to this kind of awfulness. I cruised around to some other big network sites today and they're pretty much peddling the same crap. Maybe ESPN isn't actually shaping the market as much as I think, maybe it really is all organic. Christ. I hate everyone.

Good to see that Sportscenter continues to have its priorities in order

Like Chris W says, fuck sports. I don't watch sports for the sports. I watch them for the sidestories and other assorted drama! Turned on Sportscenter this morning for no apparent fucking reason. After seeing the "up next" sidebar, decided to start timing the segments. Here are the results listed in the order in which the segments appeared.

WHO WILL SIGN TERRELL OWENS??? AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW BECAUSE HE IS NOT AT ALL WASHED UP: 1:45

Cardinals/Phillies: 3:36 (about 1:00 of which was dedicated to the squirrel that ran on the field at one point, lol, animals doing stuff!!!!!)

Brewers/Diamondbacks: 1:57 (including Chris Berman calling Ryan Roberts' grand slam live, God, just shoot me in the fucking face)

Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers "controversy": 3:27

At that point I was thinking that ESPN should go straight to hell. And then they totally redeemed themselves by letting Herm Edwards and Bobby Valentine yell at each other about whether baseball or football is better for 30 seconds. Then they topped that by having Tim Kurkjian do a 45 second tongue in cheek report about various times throughout baseball history squirrels have run on the field. Best line: "This is the first time a squirrel has run on the field during two consecutive postseason games since 1920." Thanks Tim.

Armando Galarraga and Histrionic Whining

The sanctity of the baseball record books are challenged every summer in some respect. Steroids, balata-based balls, All-Star ties, 162-game seasons, midget batters, World Wars, the lowering of the mound, the raising of the mound, the designated hitter... every one of these has caused some variation in the sanctity of the record books. Any decently enlightened fan has realized that part of the job is to mentally adjust for the conditions and exceptions that have applied to the game over the years.

Whenever some new variation comes up, some writers inevitably call for adjustment to preserve the sanctity of the books. They're missing the obvious: the "sanctity" that they're preserving is only sacred because baseball fans and historians have learned to adapt their thinking. It's an insult to the fans to suggest that every record book entry requires an annotation giving every contextual detail.

The latest entry comes from ESPN New York's Ian O'Connor, who has supplied us with stupid before. He calls for Bud Selig to reverse Jim Joyce's call and declare Mr. Galarraga the author of a perfect game.

Hey Bud, don't shrug this one off

Bud Selig can get the shrug back. Right here, right now.

No, he can't. The shrug still exists. The shrug will always exist, unless we pull some Big Brother shit and destroy every copy of the news from the summer of 2002.

Mulligans aren't normally awarded in sports. Bill Buckner cannot get that Mookie grounder back, Scott Norwood cannot get wide right back, and Greg Norman cannot get a hundred Sunday putts back.

That's the whole POINT of sports. That's why we compete - to declare a winner. If everyone got do-overs, there'd be no point in competing. Everyone would just do it over until they got it right.

But Bud, this one's for you.

Ian, why?

Remember that shrug at the 2002 All-Star Game in your very own Milwaukee backyard, where you threw those bony hands in the air, slapped on your best Willy Loman expression, and told the finest baseball players in the world their spirited 11-inning contest would end in a 7-7 tie?

This is a poorly used rhetorical question couched within a poorly used rhetorical device (apostrophe) and tied to a poorly used allusion. I feel poorer, like Willy Loman near the end of that play, for reading that paragraph.

You're getting a do-over, Bud, and here's a little unsolicited advice: Don't shrug this second time around.

He didn't shrug. Also this is not the second time around; this is a totally different situation.

Invoke your best-interests-of-the-game powers to make Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce and Jason Donald and the rest of baseball whole.

I don't know why sportswriters consistently think baseball is broken or dying. Baseball has had thousands of blown calls over the years - some even in games of much more gravity than an early-season non-division matchup. Somehow, it continues. This whole article is dramatic silliness. It is a tale told by an idiot, signifying nothing.

The imperfect man pitched the perfect game, Bud, just like the old newspaper story said.

That's a reference to Don Larsen's perfect game in the 1956 World Series. Did you other readers recognize that immediately? I had to google it.

The offending umpire, Jim Joyce, is in full agreement even as he picks through the rubble and ash of a distinguished baseball life.

Ash? Rubble? Is a volcano metaphor really appropriate right now when thousands of Icelanders are viciously dumping their geological shit all over Europe?

"It was the biggest call of my career," Joyce conceded as he reportedly paced in his dressing room, "and I kicked the [stuff] out of it. I just cost that kid a perfect game."

And yet, he didn't. Everyone knows it was a perfect game. I suspect that Armando Galarraga will receive more press, notoriety, and mention than Dallas Braden ever will.

So this isn't only about granting Detroit's Galarraga his rightful corner of history, or about acknowledging that Galarraga caught Miguel Cabrera's throw and put his foot on the first-base bag before Cleveland's Donald did the same.

He HAS his rightful corner of history. And everyone already has acknowledged it.

This is about freeing Joyce from the grim prison cell that will hold him for the rest of his professional days.

Good lord, this is dramatic nonsense. Yes, he will get a lot of annoying press. If he has the sense to not buy into the hand-wringing whining of people like Ian O'Connor, he'll have a fine life.

Don Denkinger can fill you in. He once told me on the phone about his infamous blown call that turned the 1985 World Series, when he ruled Kansas City's Jorge Orta safe at first before replays showed that the Cardinals' Todd Worrell had beaten him to the bag.

And that's why Bud Selig can't reverse a call. You can't just go back and start changing calls, even if they were wrong. The game is over. Umps have always made bad calls. No amount of sentimental nonsense or played-up drama can change the fundamental nature of a sport officiated by human beings.

"It's a crushing feeling," said Denkinger, who received death threats and a never-ending stream of hate mail from gamblers and fans. "You can't imagine what a person feels when you're written about, talked about, and then they show 13 different angles of the call in slow motion."

Hate mail from gamblers? I already imagine that most sports gamblers are dummies, but I can't even fathom having the gall to risk thousands of dollars on a sports contest which has a huge luck factor to begin with, and then complaining when a person makes a good-faith mistake.

Don't want to get yelled at over a bad call? Don't become a professional baseball umpire.

Life isn't fair, but we like to think of stadiums and arenas as places to go to escape life for a few hours. Games are supposed to be fair. What went down in Comerica Park on Wednesday night was a million miles from fair.

Ian O'Connor is somehow confused into thinking that every game was perfectly fair up until June 2010. And the thing is: it actually was completely FAIR. An unbiased, independent third party who is not related to or paid by the Detroit Tigers or the Cleveland Indians organizations made an objective call with a clear view. It was completely fair. It just wasn't accurate.

So the expanded use of instant replay is the issue of the day, the item atop the commissioner's morning agenda. Only there's no time to measure the merits of technology against the charms of a sport officiated by fallible men.

What are you saying here, Ian? That if Bud makes the decision today, it'll be better than if he makes it tomorrow?

That debate isn't going to help Galarraga, or Joyce, or millions of right-minded baseball fans who need some healing ASAP.

Healing? Who out there is healing from this terrible injury wrought upon us all? A plague of locusts has struck the land thanks to the pernicious villainy of Jim Joyce!

Selig shouldn't wait. Even the city of Cleveland would be with him on this one.

Haha, Cleveland sucks.

He wouldn't be fighting a powerful and antagonistic players union over the issue of performance-enhancing drugs, and he wouldn't be flexing his pecs in an attempt to stop or expedite the sale of a team.

What? So, Mr. O'Connor, you're ENCOURAGING him to gain PR points for a cheap-shit sentimental issue like this one and make the call that would make a bunch of people feel happy but violate the sentiments of the game?

Selig would simply be using his power to call a batter out at first. If the "best interests of baseball" clause doesn't cover that, what the hell does it cover?

Eddie Gaedel is still in the books, even though the commish tried to strike him. This kind of stuff just happens in baseball, and really, nobody is hurt by it, since everyone knows Galarraga pitched a perfect game anyways.

There is only one real danger here: the precedent of allowing the commissioner to redact the results of a game based on popular outrage. That simply can't be allowed to happen - just as Ford Frick is justly hammered for insulting the fans when he tried to intervene in the record books to preserve the public's vision of righteousness.

Even the commish isn't above the rules.

"I just watched the replay 20 times," Galarraga said, "and there's no way you can call him safe."

He's right.

Baseball players, coaches and managers are taught to move on from a moment like this. Get over it. Prepare for the next day's game.

Good advice for you to take, Mr. O'Connor.

You're supposed to live and die with the good and bad breaks, and remember that the 162-game season is an endless narrative that rewards the characters who weather the most plot twists.

Sounds good to me.

But those terms of engagement just don't cut it here. There's no moving on from the damnation of the 21st perfect game in history, and the third in a month.

"Damnation". "Grim prison cell". "Healing". Good lord, the histrionic diction of this article is nearly making me swoon. If I had a wife and I lived Victorian England and I read this to her, I would need some smelling salts and my fainting chair.

This commissioner has always loved to be loved. In fact, I've never met a sports executive who cares more about his or her public standing than Bud Selig.

And that's why I'm almost surprised that he made the right decision by not caving to the immediate pressure of sentimental writers and fans. Good for Bud - by taking an unpopular stance, he avoided setting a dangerous precendent. Choosing to restore the perfect game would have been easy for Bud to do, but would have added to the weight and pressure put on future commissioners in similar situations.

He wants you to appreciate him for introducing the wild card, for authorizing the Mitchell Report, and for giving birth to the World Baseball Classic. He would also prefer it if you forgot all about that 7-7 score at the 2002 All-Star Game.

Who really hates Bud Selig for that, anyways? Actually, the real problem with that game wasn't Bud's decision to allow it to end in a tie... the real problem with that game is the nonsensical pandering of the managers trying to get as many players in the game as possible.

Well, here's your big chance, Bud. The Tigers are in the books as 3-0 winners either way.

So grab your heaviest lumber, step into the box, and remember one last thing:

Don't shrug.

He didn't, and I'm glad. If you want to see hilarious examples of incredible shitspouting braindead fluttertalk, read the comments on the ESPN article. They're so awful.

If Homer Simpson is S-M-R-T, Then I'm L-C-K-Y

Pop culture reference! Maybe if I bring up a popular TV show, people will like my blog just as much as they like it!

I know this has nothing to do with bad sports journalism, other than the fact that I'm less ignorant than Stewart Mandel (which isn't saying much), but I'm writing about it anyways. Consider it a sad celebration of the end of college football for the next 8 months or so. Just because I'm feeling like the cock of the walk after re-reading these, and because Ohio State and LSU square off tonight in the last game of the season, let's review my BCS bowl predictions from about a month ago. Obviously I would not be doing this if they had all turned out flagrantly wrong, but they didn't, so I am. Hooray. Holy shit, I am one lucky guessing bastard. Let's get the barely right/mostly wrong one out of the way first.

Georgia/Hawaii: This is exciting on the surface because just like last year's Fiesta Bowl, it's a high scoring WAC team matching up against a traditional powerhouse. So I'm excited about that (as anyone should be, at least on some minimal level) no matter how imbalanced the matchups on the field look. In any case, Georgia is probably going to win, but I'm not sold at all on Mathew Stafford. He misses a lot of open guys. Colt Brennan is the shit and he showed it against Boise State. Knowshon Moreno and Thomas Brown should rack up big yards, but the game will be played indoors and on fieldturf so the Warriors will be moving the ball as well. If Brennan has time to throw Hawaii's going to put up at least 35. Can Georgia match?

Obviously I was way off in thinking that Hawaii had a chance. But at least I was correct in guessing that if Hawaii was going to get killed, it would be because Brennan had no time to throw. That Georgia pass rush was vicious. Anyways, my thoughts about the other three games were more or less correct.

USC/Illinois: Yawn. Stanford over USC gets more ridiculous every time I think about it. Illinois beat Ohio State because no one could tackle Juice Williams. USC won't have the same problem.

Yawn. Williams and the rest of the Illini offense looked like a bunch of Canadians against the Trojan defense. The only thing that kept the game from turning into a total travesty was John David Booty's awfulness. I bet Missouri or Florida could have at least kept the final margin under three touchdowns. But why have a game like that, when you can have tradition? Heavens to Betsy, thank goodness a Big 10 team faced off with a PAC 10 team in the Rose Bowl! What would we have done otherwise?

West Virginia/Oklahoma: Since they seem to be on national TV every single weekend, I've seen WV absolutely embarrass several teams this year. Sure, they haven't played a team like Oklahoma, but as long as Pat White is healthy their offense can move the ball on anyone. Oklahoma is, of course, dangerously good in their own right. Stupid Bob Stoops. Stop looking so smug already. I can't explain WV's meltdown against Pitt other than to say it was a rivalry game, Pitt got up for it, and Westy choked. But like I already mentioned, I also watched Oklahoma absolutely shit the bed against Colorado in October. Bad games happen. If Westy doesn't have a hangover from the Pitt disaster (which is likely given that they have a month to forget about it) they're more than capable of beating the Sooners. Will they? Probably not. But it's going to be a good game as long as White doesn't get knocked out.

West Virginia's bed-shitting against Pitt was an aberration. Turns out, they can play with anyone when White is healthy. Just like I said. Nah nah nah nah nah. OK, maybe I said they "probably" wouldn't win and then they won by 20. At least I gave them a fighting chance, unlike Mandel. (See his article, linked in my original post.)

Kansas/Virigina Tech: Obviously, Kansas is really going to struggle to score much. Fortunately they have a very underrated defense that's going to hold VaTech's offense in check as well. Kansas CB Aqib Talib is a bad man and future NFL starter. I've seen four Hokie games this year and they don't seem to have much at the offensive skill positions. Tyrod Taylor gets a lot of snaps considering he sucks. Brandon Ore crumples as soon as he gets touched half the time. If Kansas makes too many mistakes early, it could get out of hand, but I think Todd Reesing is capable enough of not coughing up the ball that it should be interesting well into the second half.

Obviously this is my favorite of the four. Talib had a pick-6, KU's defense beat the crap out of VaTech's offense pretty much all night, and I came out smelling like a pile of roses covered in daisies and freshly baked cookies. The only thing I was really wrong about was the fact that Ore had a good game. Yayyyyyyyyyy me. Mandel made some kind of crack about the fact that Kansas was only the second best team in the Big 12 North. That may be true, but I guess the second best team in the Big 12 North is still more than a match for the ACC champ.

In conclusion, if there's anything we've learned in the end from this year's slate of BCS bowls, it's that a playoff system would be completely unnecessary and unsatisfactory. (I'm not implying that it will ever happen, just implying that anyone who says it shouldn't happen has a tiny brain. And if they're male, a tiny penis.)

Go Tigers! I don't really give a shit about them, but I do hate Ohio State, and a two loss national champion would be just another log on the fire that's hopefully about to engulf the BCS.

Hopefully.

Probably not.

Definitely not.

Fuck.

Oh well.

how NOT to describe something that happens in a baseball game

troy renck of the denver post needs to either get his act together, or switch jobs. you can't describe events with this kind of language and expect to be taken seriously. re: last night's rockies-marlins game:

An unnerved Benitez squandered a one-run lead when Holliday crushed a double to right field. Holliday advanced to third on the throw home, standing as a reminder of the team's past and hope for the future.

no. no he did not. he stood there as a reminder of the fact that in baseball, if you strike the ball with the bat and the ball lands in fair territory without being caught, you are allowed to run counter-clockwise around the bases until you either reach home or deem it necessary to stop on 1st, 2nd, or 3rd base (so long as you are not put out in some other manner in the meantime).

Suprisingly, This Has Nothing to Do with Lou or Ozzie

But as usual, it's not too much about baseball. It's more like Jay's impression of Dr. Phil on opposite day.

For one game, all was right with Zambrano and the Cubs -- but are he and Barrett really 'brothers' again? Don't count on it

I've decided that for my next philosophy paper, I'm going to write about the personal problems between two philosophers.

Just because Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett play baseball doesn't make this a baseball topic. This sounds like a freaking promo for a new episode of a drama series.

MILWAUKEE -- In the gooey glee club that is Cubdom, where memories always are short term, now we're supposed to believe all is well with the mysterious right arm and cluttered psyche of Carlos Zambrano. Yep, quicker than you can hum ''Kumbaya,'' he and Michael Barrett are ''brothers'' again, only days after Big Z beat up his teammate with such force that they're turning the incident into a video game: ''Grand Theft Auto: Cubs Clubhouse.''

Grand Theft Auto: Cubs Clubhouse is the first Grand Theft Auto game that Rockstar North has produced that features no vehicles.

Joke Rating: The incredibly harsh and fictional F-minus.

And gosh darn, Ron Santo, you know Zambrano has reclaimed his old pitching form with a dominant performance Wednesday against the division-leading Brewers, forgetting that his ERA was 5.52 entering the game. Just like that, the most erratic and bubble-headed personality in Chicago baseball -- non-managerial division, of course -- has found peace, love and his proper arm slot.

Well I know someone that's probably pissed off you said that. After all, this guy is usually known for being pretty erratic, erratic enough to be a guest bodyguard on Jerry Springer (can someone please explain how that got set up?).

''I don't know if he told you,'' Zambrano said of Barrett, ''but the next day, he apologized to me and I apologized to him. We were both crying. When you have a little brother, you fight with him and the next day you get along with him. He called me 'brother' and I called him 'brother,' and we moved on.''

As for his maddening inconsistency, Zambrano said it has nothing to do with rumored shoulder pain and stress over his contractual limbo. He claims his arm hasn't been slotted correctly during his delivery, which is exactly what pitching Web sites have analyzed lately. The Cubs pay lots of money to their general manager, manager and pitching coach. They couldn't have come up with this specific solution sooner, if it indeed is the issue? ''It's not like you guys say, that I'm hurt and injured. No, it's just my arm slot,'' Zambrano told the media. ''Any time I come with my arm slot good, I have a good game.''

Sorry, but I'm calling b.s. on both counts.

1) Why are you calling b.s. on pitching Web site analysis? Sounds like pretty convincing evidence.
2) What does general manager Jim Hendry have to do with solving Carlos Zambrano's pitching mechanics?

Just as Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't really make up, the Rampage Jackson and Chuck Wepner of Wrigleyville are staging an act only because management demands it.

I'm guessing this is another attempt to be funny. Listen Jay, I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that the set of people who care enough about baseball to read sports columns like yours and the set of people who follow Rosie O'Donnell's personal life are almost completely mutally exclusive.

Wow. I just googled "Rampage Jackson and Chuck Wepner". This article came back as the 4th result. Anyone need further evidence that Jay's weird analogies are vague?

An enraged human being doesn't beat the snot out of someone -- six stitches, one black eye, facial cuts, permanent dignity loss -- and then feel enough love for a brother 18 hours later to weep in his arms. Same goes for Barrett, who couldn't possibly have looked in the mirror and felt affection for Zambrano.

Perhaps, but this is coming from someone who hates everything. I would imagine that this has happened a decent amount in the history of brotherhood.

The only thing worse than manufactured spin control is manufactured spin control that has zero believability.

Something wrong Jay? Someone trying to convince the public of something other than what you believe? Why are you making such a big deal out of this? So what if Zambrano and Barrett didn't kiss and make up and told everyone they did. YOU ARE A SPORTS COLUMNIST. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING ABOUT SPORTS.

This is what really pisses me off about you, Jay. Your articles are 97% spin, about 3% actual facts and sports-related theories. When baseball players try to bury the hatchet about a disturbance that happened, here you are complaining that it's spin. If things really aren't patched up, what do you expect Zambrano to say? "Nope, I still fucking hate Barrett. I never want to play baseball with him again". Is this what happens in Jay's world?

Deep down, late at night, I'm still figuring Barrett sticks pins in his Zambrano voodoo doll while Wham Bam Thank You Zam pounds his chest and shouts, ''I wiped the floor with his crewcutted [bleep]!''

Failed humor attempt #3.

In all honesty, the rest of it isn't really too miserable. He says dumb things like "Zambrano is teasing everyone with a terrific outing" (as all Chicago players that ever perform well are doing) and has a 5-paragraph subsection entitled "Piniella should stick with Hill" while only mentioning Koyle Hill's name once. Oh yeah, and this.

He pitched like an ace this time, but what about next time? And if he can't handle the pressure of being an ace, the next Cubs owners shouldn't open their wallets for him.

Where were you the past 3 years? Zambrano was nothing short of spectacular from 2004-2006 and was unquestionably the ace of the staff each year. There is absolutely no way that 2 rough months after those performances sigifies that Zambrano can't handle the pressure of being an ace.