A video worth watching

Dear Lord.  I love the finished product, but just thinking about the effort it took to put it together makes my ears bleed.  (Saw this first on Deadspin, guess I should credit those worthless sports-not-actually-enjoying shitheads, grumble grumble grumble)






Bonus idiocy from Scott Boras's personal assistant!

now that both have career' contracts, interesting a-rod will make 3X longoria. $450M to $140M. maybe thats fair. thoughts?
— Jon Heyman (@JonHeymanCBS) November 26, 2012

Based on any vaguely reasonable estimation of the kind of player Longoria will be for the next 10 years: No.

I haven't had a lot of free time lately

I'm sure that's been evident from the frequency and length of my posts.  I barely have time to read stuff by TMQ and Simmons, let alone write about it.  That means I really need to thank noted Scott Boras shill Jon Heyman for providing me with so much stupidity in so few words:

1.  Did I mention that he's still shilling for Boras?  PRINCE WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY!  YOU HEAR ME, MLB OWNERS?  EVERY PENNYYYYYYY

2.  Pudge signed a 4 year/$40MM deal.  It was 2004, but that still doesn't come close to approaching "big ticket."

3.  Cabrera really signed a preTty big fRee Agent Deal, didn't hE?  No but seriously, the TRADE that brought him to Detroit was a memorable TRADE for a couple of reasons: the Tigers took Dontrelle Willis too, much to Florida's delight; and the centerpieces coming back to Florida were Cameron Maybin and Andrew Miller, who went on to record negative WAR for Florida over the course of the next three seasons.  

4.  To Heyman's credit, Ordonez really was a free agent, and really did sign a pretty sizable deal.  Never one to ever be right, though, Heyman still identifies a guy who was paid $89MM to produce 13.2 rWAR over the course of 5 seasons (more than half of it in 2007--which is to say, during the other 4 seasons encompassed by that deal, he was a colossal failure) as a real success.

5.  Fielder just had a very good season, one in which he was payed properly.  $23MM for somewhere between 4 and 5 WAR is about right.  So if Detroit signed him to a 1 year/$23MM risk-free deal last offseason, this tweet would be kind of sort of correct (besides the issues raised in 2, 3 and 4 above).  Unfortunately, Fielder turns 29 next season and will be paid either $23MM and $24MM every year until 2020, when he's 36.  So let's maybe hold off before we call this deal a flying success.

6.  This tweet has since been deleted.  WHERE ARE YOUR ETHICS, JON?  Just kidding, I don't really care about that, Heyman is less anti-blogger than most baseball writers.  Complaints 1 through 5 stand though.

Jon Heyman shows us the funny

What... what happened here? Reading this made me feel like I stumbled upon a grisly crime scene. Why did he write this? Who edited it? Who approved it for publication? We've seen a lot of terrible attempts at humor but I think this might be the first time I've seen Heyman try his luck at an entire column that is all jokes. Holy God, what a blimp crash.

The Angels didn't attribute the firing of hitting coach Mickey Hatcher after 12-plus years of service to the wishes of their new well-paid singles hitter Albert Pujols. But if these type of changes keep happening, well, we we all suspect that you know who is the one who's really in charge.

Cue up Yakety Sax and whoopie cushion sounds.

Nine Signs Light-Hitting Infielder Albert Pujols is Running the Angels
1. The traditional long-running team insignia, the halo, is replaced by an arch.

GET IT??????

Instead of a halo being alighted on days the Angels win, the arch will glow whenever Pujols gets a ball out of the infield.

Joke #1 about how Albert misses St. Louis, which, besides just being dumb and hacky, also makes little sense given the fact that Pujols seemed perfectly happy to leave the Cardinals. If reports came out that he agonized over the decision, ultimately went with LAA because of family reasons or something, and then was on record as saying it was devastating for him to walk out on the Cardinals, this would merely be a bad attempt at humor based on the assumption that people think replacing the Angels' giant halo with something else would be hilarious. Instead it is both that and not founded in reality, making it even more obtuse. If we start Off to a great start.

2. CIA agents are hired to ensure no sensitive information is leaked from team meetings such as precisely which player proclaimed the team would turn it around.

On one hand, the fact that Pujols was mad about Hatcher's "betrayal" is a little lame considering that Hatcher didn't leak any information that was sensitive or important to the press. (Hey look, this joke actually is founded in reality!) On the other (correct) hand, what Hatcher did was still plenty stupid and plenty unnecessary, considering it pissed off the team's franchise player. And btw HAW HAW HAW CIA AGENTS THAT'S RICH

3. Fans entering Angels stadium will be met by a greeter saying "Bienvenido,'' an homage to Pujols' famous softball-playing father Bienvenido Pujols.

*game show buzzer* *second louder buzzer for racism* Hey, Pujols's dad's name means a word in his native language! You've never met a white guy named "Welcome" have you? Didn't think so.

4. The spread will now be catered by Pujols 5, the St. Louis restaurant.

Joke #2 about how Albert misses St. Louis. And I hate to critique all these jokes with the all caps thing I mostly stole from Drew Magary, because that makes me barely more funny than Jon, but I can't think of a better way to tear down garbage like this than HAW HAW IT'S HIS RESTAURANT, BUT FROM HIS OLD TEAM SO HE PROBABLY LIKES THE FOOD EVEN THOUGH IT'S FROM THE OLD TEAM

Look, I know most of you reading could do better, I'm hardly George Carlin or Chris Rock here. The all caps overexplain the joke bit is all I've got right now. roll with me. I've had a horrific week.

5. The bench coach henceforth serves a dual role as caddy for the avid golfer Albert.

*game show buzzer* Doesn't Rick Reilly have intellectual property rights on all terrible humor that involves golf?

6. The new team name is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Dominican Republic by way of Kansas City.

No buzzer- this is the only joke on this list I will somewhat partially tolerate (relative to the rest of this urea) because "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" is pretty fucking stupid, and whichever marketing whiz came up with it should be beaten with a tire iron.

7. The trade is finally complete: Mike Trout, Peter Bourjos, Erick Aybar, Mark Trumbo, Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, C.J. Wilson, Jordan Walden, Hank Conger and the entire roster of the Salt Lake Bees for Yadier Molina.

THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

Joke #3 about the team/town that Pujols claims to not miss at all.

8. Agent Dan Lozano is given his own $10-million personal services contract.

This is an incredibly idiotic joke, but the "LOL FAVORITISM TOWARDS AGENTS" aspect is pretty great coming from a guy who spends a good bit of his offseason column space carrying water for the biggest and most powerful agent in the game.

9. Introducing the new manager of the Angels, Jose Oquendo.

Joke #4 premised on a thing that does not exist. But you know what, how great would it be if Pujols got legendary cocktug Mike Scoscia fired? I'm in favor of any sequence of events that produces that outcome.

In conclusion Jon Heyman is probably slightly worse at writing jokes than Bill Simmons.

Look, I'm not trying to be Jemele Hill here

By which I mean I'm not going out of my way to be a race baiter. I promise. I just think this crap sandwich by Jon Heyman is pathetic/funny when you consider the race of the subject. Who do you think he's talking about here? (Full disclosure: these are just pieces and parts of the article. Heyman is a bad writer, but he's so bad as to have written this as a complete piece.)

The first things you notice about [player] are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

"He's fun to watch," [team executive] says. "He's extremely athletic."

[Player's father, a former MLB player] is remarkably humble and courteous, just like [player], who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, so that last one might have given it away. It's Dee Gordon, the Dodgers' rookie shortstop, who happens to be black. Can you imagine anyone writing a puff piece about a white player with this stuff in it? Let's look again.

The first things you notice about Gordon are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

He's SOOO well-spoken! Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: The first thing you notice is that he's a back-slapping fun friendly good ol' boy!

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

He's a little small, but he's super strong. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: He's tiny, he's undersized, in fact he is the smallest person on Earth. He's been told his whole life that he doesn't belong here. But's overcome the odds with only one tool: HEARTGRITSCRAP.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

Why can't he hit more home runs? Barry Bonds hit lots of home runs. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: His SLG and AVG are usually identical, but that's how he helps the team. By hitting lots of singles so as to create more bunt opportunities for his teammates. If only he were able to bunt himself over, he'd be my vote for MVP.

"He's fun to watch," Watson says. "He's extremely athletic."

He's a physical specimen. He's fast and strong. Corresponding analysis for a white player with the same skillset: He plays the game the right way. With grit. With dirt on his jersey. Without calling attention to himself. All while reminding of me, when I made my high school varsity team. OK, junior varsity.

Flash is remarkably humble and courteous, just like Dee, who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, you know what, since I'm trying not to be too Jemele-ish here, I'm not even going to touch that one.

Jon Heyman: still way better at shilling for Scott Boras than writing

This is more of a blog post than it is a full, formal article. (BTW I provided the link so you could go take a look at Jon doing his best "Hey, this is what I would do if I were on a baseball card!" pose. Worth your four seconds, I promise. What a zilcheroo he is.) Makes me wonder how much worse it would be if Heyman had done more research for it and added a few more paragraphs. It's dumb on several levels, most notably the bumblefuckarific "I developed a premise before I wrote the article and the facts don't match that premise so fuck it I'll just contradict the hell out of the premise and then call it a day" one.

Everything that could go wrong for the Braves this spring has gone wrong

There's the premise. Aaaaaaaand...

CLEARWATER, Fla.--

...there's the spot where he begins undermining it.

In the competition for worst spring in Florida,

I'm several years and tens of thousands of dollars away from earning my online masters in journalismness from DeVry, but I'm pretty sure "If there were a competition for worst spring in Florida," would work better. And with that imaginary competition in mind, let us take a moment to laugh at/about A.J. Burnett. *doink* /ball embeds itself in eye socket

there is a runaway winner: the Braves.

"There are also two MYSTERY TEAMS in the running, but I can't tell you who they are lest I reveal that they don't exist!"

"Everything that could go wrong for them has gone gone wrong,'' remarked one competing executive.

CBS assistant junior editing intern in charge of coming up with titles: "Yup. That'll work."

Th Braves have followed their September collapse by beginning spring 2-10. But their troubles started even before the games began. Young starting pitcher Tommy Hanson suffered a concussion in a one-car accident on his way to spring.

The ol' Tony La Russa special. Nice. Anyways that's one player with a mild injury. What else has gone so depressingly wrong?

Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez is trying to look on the bright side. "I've seen a lot of good things,'' Gonzalez said.

A+ journalism right there. A++. Tell manager you've heard things are going down the shitter. Get boring, uninspired, mostly non-responsive response. Insert in article. Light cigar with $50 bill (bill and cigar both provided by Boras).

Gonzalez did concede that the record isn't what they'd want, especially coming off a September swoon.

Oh! The tension in that interview! It's like Frost/Nixon! Things are bad... but there are bright spots.... BUT THINGS ARE STILL SOMEWHAT BAD

"We want to win, believe me. Winning is contagious,'' Gonzalez said.

Losing: also contagious. Hepatitis: science doesn't know just yet.

"But in spring training, I think health takes priority.''

Perhaps an insightful and meaningful quote, except that Jon has presented it with no context or background so we have no idea what Fredi is talking about.

Still, others are wondering aloud whether the Braves will be themselves this year.

Fill in the blank if you know what that means. _____________. If you filled it in, you're lying, and you also have ink on your computer screen. Now email me what you wrote.

Only one team that's spent less on players over the last three years has won more games (the Rays). But their cost cutting may finally be catching up to them. They signed only one major league free agent this winter, and that was utilityman Jack Wilson for $1 million, and Wilson immediately blew out his Achilles.

So by usually not spending much, and continuing to not spend much this season, they are... still being themselves? Also, something about health, and a poor spring training record, and oh man Jon Heyman gets paid to write about baseball?

One N.L. scout said he believes the Marlins and Nationals have now surpassed the Braves

I was going to put another Mystery Team joke in here but I figured you were going to do it in your head anyways so why bother with the specifics.

and that they look like a fourth place team,

So far we have 1) pitcher got a concussion 2) all-glove utility guy out for season 3) they "look like a 4th place team." Conclusion: ALL THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG DID. BRIAN MCCANN IS ANGRY AT SOMETHING, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT, BUT HE HASN'T SHOWN UP TO SPRING TRAINING AND NO ONE HAS HIS PHONE NUMBER.

and a star player from the difficult division said the same thing.

In keeping with a theme I've been pushing these past few months, I certainly hope it was Ryan Howard, saying it as he cashed the first of many many paychecks to come at his $25MM/year salary.

Although, there have been two silver linings in the Braves' ultra-rough start to spring:

A start which, no matter what the headline of this piece may have led you to anticipate, you still know basically nothing about.

1) there have been no new season-affecting injuries, and

You mean after all one of them (to the guy who would have been 24th or 25th most important on the opening day roster) you've described so far?

2) young prospects like pitcher Sean Gilmartin, shortstop Andrelton Simmons and third baseman Joey Terdoslavich, have played well.

But NOT WELL ENOUGH! Oh, wait, probably well enough, considering those guys are 21, 22, and 23 respectively. Also: TERDoslavich heh heh heh

But it's more than the losses.

Wait, what were we just talking about?

The disappointments and concerns are adding up, such as ...

This is high school newspaper level writing. Premise: things are really bad for the Braves. Provide support: a little evidence, none of it convincing. Repeat premise. Contradict premise. Rerepeat premise.

-- Braves icon Chipper Jones suggested after starting 0-for-8 that he may be nearing the end. While he retracted his comment the very next day, Jones (now 1-for-11) hasn't looked like himself.

JUST LIKE HIS TEAM! Or so we've been told, with essentially no further explanation, except for the fact that as usual they didn't break the bank in free agency this year.

His demeanor also hasn't reflected his nickname.

Ho ho hoooo! Pulitzer committee, you're about to receive a link in your inbox.

Gonzalez said, "Chipper will be fine. He'll get it going. I'm not concerned about that.'';

Heyman's response: "That's gold! Straight into my 'the Braves are fucked' article!"

-- Hanson finally pitched Sunday, but he appeared in a washed-out monsoon, lasting just one-plus inning;

The weather was bad. Therefore: Hanson's return, somehow disappointing/concerning.

-- Young lefthander Mike Minor has pitched brilliantly, with nine scoreless innings,

Nine DISAPPOINTING scoreless innings?

but he needlessly dusturbed camp by suggesting he'd prefer to be traded if he isn't in the rotation. EARTH to Mike: You are in the rotation;

A young pitcher said something dumb to someone with a microphone. Spring training: ruined.

-- Kid shortstop Tyler Pastornicky was basically given the job to start spring, but he is threatening to make a race of it by starting 3-for-30. Simmons has outplayed him, and they are now saying the choice won't be made until the end of spring.

There's a competition for the SS spot. One talented guy has struggled in a tiny sample of PAs, and another talented guy is applying pressure. I know I'm beating this into the ground, but...

Simmons is the flashier defender, but one N.L. scout said, "I see them both as utlity players."

A MYSTERY scout with no known identity.

-- Former phenom Jason Heyward inspired worries with a slow start (he's at .194) but he's coming on now and had two extra-base hits vs. the Nats' pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg on Wednesday. Gonzalez said that while Heyward would have one good at-bat every "four or five'' at-bats early in spring, now he has four out of five productive at-bats;

Disappointment? Concern? SANITY?

-- Top young righthanded pitching prospects Randall Delgado and Julio Teheran are locked in a battle for the fifth rotation spot with ace Tim Hudson (back) out until May. But so far neither has dominated. Delgado has a 9 ERA, Teheran 11. Teheran had a game against the Tigers where he allowed six homers in two innings. That was one more home run than he allowed in 150 innings in Triple-A last year.

Yeah, that's pretty disappointing and concerning, although that outing against one of the league's three best offenses happened on like the second day of spring training games and (allegedly) with an insane wind blowing out to center. But anyways, now we're starting to get into the good stuff. Stuff that might lead you to believe that the Braves are about to cancel the season, sell off all their assets, and disband as a franchise. The truly "it could have gone wrong and it did" stuff. OK Jon, lay it on us.

Oh, you're done. That was the whole article. Well, back to holding your baseball bat and grinning like an idiot then. Seriously, go click on the link if you didn't before. Looking at that picture of Jon is much more fun than reading this blog.

As entertaining as the comment war going on in the next post down is

Let's see what Jon Heyman has to say about the Ryan Zimmerman extension. (And by the way, all of you who think that everything Braun has said is a bunch of face-saving malarkey while everything Mr. Steroid Test Collector Guy has said is the absolute unaltered truth are fucking killing me. You're just. Fucking. Killing me. But I'll let Chris W fight that fight for now.)

The immediate reaction to Ryan Zimmerman's $100 million, six-year extension with the Nationals was this: Where's the hometown discount?

Where's the beef am I right LOL? To answer the question seriously, something I'm loathe to do but am forced to because providing actual analysis in my posts is one of the conditions of my parole, here's how I see it: If Adrian Beltre's age 32 to 37 seasons are worth $96MM over six years (after five years in Seattle, three of which were pretty awful, and one "Hey wait I need another big contract!" season in Boston), then I'm pretty sure that Zimmerman's age 29 to 34 seasons were going to be worth a good amount more than that had he hit the market after 2013. Just pulling numbers out of my ass FanGraphs style here but let's say $120MM/6. Maybe more if the Yankees were ready to move Fish Fillet-Rod (shoutout to Eriz) to DH at that point.

Zimmerman's total contract, which now runs through 2019, guarantees him $126 million, including the two years he already had on his deal. Forget that $126 million has been an unlucky number in baseball contracts (see Vernon Wells, Barry Zito and Nationals teammate Jayson Werth),

Yes, forget that, even if you're a superstitious idiot who normally wouldn't forget it, because Zimmerman hasn't signed a contract for that dollar amount.

it just seems a bit high considering 1) Zimmerman has an injury history,

He missed a medium amount of time in 2008 and 2011 but still cleared 100 games in both seasons. In his other four full seasons he averaged 157 GP. All told he's averaging 136 GP per year. Yes, loosely speaking, he has a history of being injured. No, he is not a fragile player. No, he is not a likely candidate to miss extended time in the future. No, Jon Heyman doesn't give a shit. Jon Heyman is the kind of idiot who would bother to note that there have been some bad $126MM contracts in recent history, and that if you squint and cock your head to the side and stand on one foot, it kind of looks like Zimmerman signed a $126MM contract.

2) he sprayed a few throws in recent years,

So dumb it's not even worth addressing, other than to say that both by advanced metrics and "the eye test"/traditional scouting, Zimmerman is somewhere between a decent and really good defensive player.

and 3) the Nationals have a top third-base prospect in Anthony Rendon.

And since all prospects always pan out... aw, snap.

Said one competing executive of the Nats' two nine-figure deals now in the books: "Seems like they have two $100 million contracts but no $100 million payers.''

PLEEEEEEEEASE please please please please tell me it was Ruben Amaro who said that.

No matter what anyone on the outside thinks, Zimmerman was said to be the Nats' No. 1 priority this winter, and they did get the deal done. They love him for his defense,

But he has sprayed throws in recent years! It was in all the papers!

his clutch hitting,

Always critical to a learned baseball man like Heyman.

his personality and his local roots (University of Virginia). They also recall that he led the majors in WAR one year.

If true, that would be a HUGE strike against Heyman's argument. Fortunately for him it's not, but Zimmerman still seems like a good candidate to be a 4 to 6 win player early in this contract (huge bargain) and maybe a 2.5 to 4 win player later on (a little overpaid or properly paid).

Zimmerman did agree to a $10 million personal services deferral, which means only $116 million of the $126 million counts as payroll and could help the Nationals in terms of flexibility.

The Jinx of Zito is no more! Shrewd move, Mike Rizzo!

/video of Brian Sabean punching a hole through the top of a stovepipe hat

But the reality is he's a one-time All-Star.

Wait, what? Holy shit you can't be serious.

And that's a lot of loot for a one-time All-Star.

Wow, you really did end up boiling it down to the number of times he's made the all star team. That's awesome. And Heyman's analysis ends right there. Well, how about that. Hold on for a sec, let me check my computer machine for something really quick...

Ah, yup, there it is. Yadier Molina is a THREE time All-Star. No wonder his age 30 through 34 seasons are apparently well worth almost $15MM per. MOLINA'S VALUE GOES WAY BEYOND WHAT THE NUMBERS SHOW! NO ONE APPRECIATES HIM, EXCEPT THE MILLIONS OF FANS AND DOZENS OF WRITERS WHO CRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT HOW NO ONE APPRECIATES HIM! (Quick tangent: Dear (most) Cardinals fans, go the fuck away. You're the fucking worst and I hope your team never ever wins another playoff game. I'd cheer for the Red Sox if they played you in the WS this fall, perish the thought. Fuck you and fuck your smug and undeserved sense of accomplishment. Your city stinks and so does your team. I hope Pujols hits 800 career home runs and goes into the hall as an Angel. Signed, not a Cubs fan even though I bet you're sure I am at this point) Meanwhile Zimmerman's value is apparently wholly demonstrated by the fact that he missed like fifty games during two of the past six seasons.

/sits and waits eight years so he can laugh about how bad the Molina deal was and how reasonable the Zimmerman deal was

Heyman breaks down a trade, fails to understand the relative value of players involved, cashes another paycheck

[Note added after posting: as I am only marginally less fucking stupid than Jon Heyman, Chris W had to point out to me that the Cubs didn't even get $3 MM in salary relief. They've got to pay Volstad (or non-tender him, which wouldn't surprise me given how dumb the trade is in the first place) and he's arbitration eligible for the first time. Last year Jason Hammel and Kevin Slowey, two pitchers who are slightly better than Volstad but probably comparable, got 2 years $7.75 MM and 1/$2.7 MM respectively in their first years of eligibility. Put the bubbly on ice, Cubs fans. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN HOPEFULLY.]

As Theo Epstein frantically rushes to establish that the two BoSox titles of the '00s were not of his making (A damaged but talented Carlos Zambrano for a guy who might maybe be a #5 starter on his best day and $3 MM in salary relief? Hot sizzle!), Heyman provides this incisive analysis:

The agreed-upon trade between the Cubs and Marlins of volatile former star Carlos Zambrano for talented former phenom Chris Volstad

The word "talented" needs to be moved back in the sentence so that it's next to "volatile."

works for everyone.

In the sense that it works well for the Marlins.

The Cubs get rid of the volatile Zambrano, who had lost his friends in the clubhouse after losing is way on the mound last year.

Even if the Cubs never wanted him to start another game for them, he's still worth a hell of a lot more than Chris Volstad. It's essentially a contract year for Zambrano. He has a 2013 option that vests if he's in the top 4 in the 2012 Cy voting, in which case you'd like him on your team in 2013 anyways. Otherwise he's gone in 10 months. You eat $15 MM of his $18MM salary and all you get in return is Chris Volstad? Holy moly, how much were the Marlins going to pay if the Cubs asked for nothing but salary relief in return? What a crap trade.

The Marlins give up Volstad, whose great promise has seemed to dissipate the past few years to the point where he was an unacceptable 5-13 with a 4.89 ERA for the Marlins in 2011.

Yes, it "seemed" to dissipate since his very good rookie year in 2008. Since then he's had one sort of barely acceptable season, and two where he was replacement level or worse. 88 starts since the beginning of 2009, ERA just under 5 (in the NL, in a mild hitters park), WHIP over 1.40, bad strikeout numbers, cumulative WAR of 1. Can you say "future 6th/7th inning guy?"

This trade represents a fresh start for both right-handers.

That's true. Could you have thought up that angle on your own? Heyman hopes CBS doesn't think so.

Jon Heyman Makes the Big Bucks For a Reason

Roy Oswalt has demanded a trade. Jon, how's that going to shake out?

While it's logical that Oswalt should go (possibly along with longtime teammate Lance Berkman), there's no guarantee that he will, and there are two very good reasons for this:

So there's no way we can be sure that events in the future can happen. They might, or they might not. We can't make any guarantees. Constantly acknowledging this reality is known as "Morgan Syndrome."

1) There's no guarantee that Astros owner Drayton McLane wants to trade Oswalt, despite Oswalt's wishes; and

See: above.

2) there's no guarantee that the Astros can find the right trading partner, considering the $31 million remaining on Oswalt's contract through next season, teams' general unwillingness to spend big bucks while also surrendering top prospects, and frankly, no obvious matches.

See: above. And please note that $31 MM for a guy of Oswalt's caliber is chump change for the Yankees. You can probably throw the Red Sox, Giants, Cubs, Nationals, and Mets onto a list (not that the Mets will have any use for him) of teams that would be more than happy to find a way to make a trade for Oswalt work. The Dodgers would be on the list if not for the messy McCourt divorce. I'm sure whichever teams are interested and the Astros will bullshit around the bush about what kinds of deals they're willing to accept for the next few weeks/couple of months, but if Houston is in last place in July, I'm pretty sure he'll move.

In the meantime, Jon, feel free to continuously remind us that there's no way to be absolutely sure what's going to happen in this crazy, wacky, post 9/11 world of ours.

The Phillies Will Pay Ryan Howard $25 MM Per Year During His Age 34, 35, and 36 Seasons

(Apologies to the three of you who read this shitty blog via RSS feed. This is a repost, because some of the HTML in the old version of the post got messed up when I tried to edit something. Since I know nothing about HTML, I figured the best solution was to burn the whole thing to the ground and start over. ANYWAYS- the Phillies will Howard an awful lot of money when he's 34, 35, and 36, and....)

That's kind of dumb. It's roughly what A-Rod (by which I mean PAY-Rod, GAY-Rod, A-ROID, and FISH FILLET-Rod) is making at that age, but 1) A-Rod is the better player 2) A-Rod plays a more valuable position 3) A-Rod keeps himself in peak physical condition and 4) the Phillies aren't the Yankees. With slight modifications, similar arguments apply to the massive contracts currently held by Mark Teixeira (also a 1B, obviously) and Matt Holliday (not a Yankee, obviously). Except for Alfonso Soriano, who holds the worst contract in baseball right now- yes that's right I went out on a limb and said it- no other hitter in the game holds a contract that will pay them that kind of money at that age (Miguel Cabrera and Joe Mauer will be younger during the tail end of the deals they recently signed). It's simply way too much to invest in an aging 1st baseman. Jon Heyman- your poorly formulated thoughts?

Howard's contributions can be overlooked at times because of the overwhelming presence of Pujols, who's clearly the best player in the National League,

Look, I'm pretty sure Ryan Howard is neither overrated nor underrated but properly rated. If anyone's overlooking his contributions, which I don't think anyone in the national media is, it's not because of Pujols. It's because Howard isn't even the most valuable hitter on his own team.

and also because Howard is only part of a fabulous nucleus in Philly that includes Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Jayson Werth.

Unlike Howard, Jimmy Rollins might be the most overrated player in all of baseball right now. If I hear one more announcer or talking head start blabbing about what a SPARKPLUG Rollins is, or how he's Philly's EMOTIONAL LEADER, I'm going to be sick. He's a leadoff hitter with a career .330 OBP. His power is overrated (career best HR totals: 30, 25, 21, 14, 14, 12), his defense is overrated, everything about him is overrated. Wait- what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. So throw Rollins out of that group. But Utley is by far more valuable than Howard, and if Werth backs up his strong 2009 with a strong 2010, you could make an argument that he's more valuable too. So that's just one reason you might not want to pay Ryan Howard $25 MM during his age 36 season; even now, he's not the most valuable hitter on your team.

Howard does have a few negatives, such as his high strikeout totals (an average of 189 the past four seasons),

Kind of a big deal, especially when you're hitting cleanup.

his weakness against left-handed pitchers (last year his OPS was 1.088 vs. right-handers vs .653 vs. lefties),

Definitely a big deal.

his age (30) and the possibility he'll decline during the contract as he gets older.

Oh, the "possibility?" You think he might not hit as well at age 36 as he did at ages 25, 30, or even 32? A bold prediction, Jon. You truly have the wisdom of King Solomon.

But the belief among skeptics of the deal that this was an obvious overpay isn't reflected one bit among baseball people.

Isn't reflected among stupid baseball people.

In fact, a few inside the game remarked that the package was strong though not unreasonably so and one actually opined that it was light.

That guy probably works for another NL East team, and was being sarcastic.

I agree with the prominent competing agent who said, "The $25 million AAV (average annual value) reflects fair market value.''

Oh wow, can you believe it? An agent (who probably represents Adrian Gonzalez, or Pujols, or Prince Fielder) thinks this was a fair deal! COLOR ME SHOCKED. I can't believe it. If you want to evaluate the reasonableness of a contract that will pay a fat first baseman $25 MM when he's 36, that's who you should go to for objectivity- an agent. Well done, Jon. And look, it really doesn't reflect market value. Take Yankees out of the picture, and the contract is one of a kind. Cabrera isn't locked up at that age via his deal. Mauer is, but he's a catcher for the time being. Todd Helton is just now finishing up a contract that certainly paid him too much at those ages, but that was signed in 2001 when money was a little looser. The Rockies (and any team not called the Yankees) won't soon be offering that kind of deal again. The best bet for a current comp to Howard's deal is Holliday's, but it's for less money and at least he plays in the OF (and plays it pretty well). There really isn't a market for fat non-Yankee 34, 35 and 36 year old first basemen. This deal just set it.

As boring as it sounds, it was a good deal for both sides.

Well, it's definitely a good deal for Howard.

There are those suggesting Howard won't be the player at the end of the deal, when he'll be 36, that he is now, and that isn't an unreasonable prediction.

Actually, those people are exactly right unless Howard takes steroids and turns into Barry Bonds. Also- nice sentence, asshole.

But A-Rod, for example, will be 42 when his contract will be up,

I already addressed this. Better player. Different position. More likely to age well. Most importantly, money coming from Yankee coffers.

and besides, that guess can be made about many long-term deals. One GM said five years isn't outrageous at all and actually praised Howard for not being greedy and insisting on seven or eight.

Look, Howard could have done that. And the smart thing for the Phillies to do (and what they should have done here) would be to tell Howard to pound sand. Some other idiot team can overpay him when he hits the FA market after next season. That's the dumbest part about this whole thing, really- the Phillies overpaid Howard a full 18 months before he would have hit free agency. Do they understand what leverage is? You overpay someone when you absolutely need them signed right then. You do not overpay someone when you're already in control of their services for their next 1200 at bats.

That Howard received $2 million more than Teixeira also seems about right under the circumstances.

It doesn't.

Teixeira has a more diverse set of skills,

He's a switch hitter. He hits for both average and power. He plays great defense. All reasons he's more valuable.

is slightly younger and signed in New York as a free agent, but he couldn't make a case that he has the same offensive impact as Howard, a classic slugger.

Yes, Howard piles up the HRs and RBIs better than Teixeira does. That certainly makes him a better fantasy player, but I don't think it speaks to his actual value very well considering his home park. Yankee Stadium may have a short RF porch, but Citizens Bank Park is a fucking joke from foul pole to foul pole. I hope that place burns to the ground tonight. Omar Vizquel could hit 15 HRs this season if he were to start for the Phillies. But there's no way that could happen, because the Phillies already have the best SPARKPLUG OF AN EMOTIONAL LEADER in the game at shortstop.

But here are a few more reasons Howard is worth this investment:

1) He's showed his value by finishing first, fifth, second and third in MVP voting the last four years.

Haha, this is great. Let's see- dipshit MVP voters like Jon Heyman have given Howard a lot of MVP votes. Therefore, dipshit writers like Jon Heyman can cite those votes as a reason to pay Howard $25 MM a season when he's 34, 35, and 36. What a nifty, convenient system.

There is a group of numbers people who think these finishes don't count, but there is no reason to think Howard was vastly overvalued in the voting.

No one thinks Howard is a bad player. No one thinks he isn't one of the best power hitters in MLB. And pretty much no one except Cardinals fans wouldn't want to have Howard on their team. But not at that price, at that age.

2) He also has averaged 49.5 home runs and 143 RBIs over the past four years, far more than anyone else.

OK, again, time for some perspective. He's a great hitter and produces a lot of runs. He's just not worth that amount of money at that age. Also- Phillies lineup + Citizens Bank Park + batting behind Utley = tons of RBIs. But I'm not significantly more impressed with his 143 average than with, say, Lance Berkman's average of 106 over the same span.

Everyone agrees that home runs are an important stat, but to those who believe RBIs are only a reflection of one's teammates, and thus pure luck, here are the top five RBI leaders since 1900: Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, Lou Gehrig and Stan Musial. Five very lucky fellows.

Whoa! Watch out for that straw man! Better tear it down and burn it- make sure it can't hurt anyone. Give me a fucking break. No one with a brain says RBIs are "pure luck." We don't need to get into this. It's like when Joe Morgan waxes poetic about how no one respects stolen bases anymore. Plenty of people respect them- they're just not foolishly overvalued like they used to be.

3) It isn't unreasonable to suggest Howard might decline during his extension.

This is a separate thought, and doesn't belong on a list of reasons Howard is worth what the Phillies will end up paying him.

As a matter of logic, he probably will.

As long as he's not Barry Bonds, he definitely will.

But the evidence isn't strong that he's declining yet, (his 2009 slugging percentage of .571 wasn't significantly different from his .582 career mark), and even if he does suffer a slight drop off, it's from a tremendous height (his 198 home runs over the past four years are 29 more than everyone else).

Right. He's not declining yet. Because he's only 30. This contract doesn't even start until 2012. And it will comically overpay him in 2014, 2015, and 2016. Odds that he's still slugging anything in the neighborhood of .580 then: poor. You know, everyone is saying that the world is going to run out of crude oil at some point, but I went to the gas station yesterday and filled up my car. Therefore: we probably will never run out of crude oil.

Plus, he's shown he's serious about his game and his body. He has lost an estimated 30 pounds and remarkably turned himself into at least an average defensive first baseman from something a lot less than that. So in that way, he's actually on the rise.

On the rise and about to crash into his very low (for a pro athlete) athleticism ceiling.

4) He's a winner and a major part of one of the strongest lineups in baseball. Why mess with a good thing?

Awesome point. You're a fucking idiot.

5) The market could explode.

It won't. If Adrian Gonzalez or Prince Fielder hit the FA market after 2011 and sign contracts that pay them this kind of money when they're 34, 35, and 36, I'll eat my oversized foam cowboy hat.

The economy is improving, baseball is doing great and the appetite for superstars on the free-agent market is always strong, even in down times like the past couple years. "You can't really pinpoint what these guys could be getting on the open market,'' Boggs said, honestly.

Boggs is John Boggs, Gonzalez's agent. HMMMMMM. You think he likes the deal Howard got? In conclusion, don't ever let Jon Heyman run your baseball team.

Jon Heyman Is Now Writing Things Just to Get Attention.

Anyone want a good laugh?

Jon Heyman ranked his top 20 Free Agents. Here's the list!

1) Bobby Abreu
2) Milton Bradley
3) Pat Burrell
4) Orlando Cabrera
5) Joe Crede
6) Adam Dunn
7) Jon Garland
8) Jason Giambi
9) Orlando Hudson
10) Derek Lowe
11) Oliver Perez
12) Andy Pettitte
13) Manny Ramirez
14) Ben Sheets
15) Jason Varitek
16) Randy Wolf
17) Garret Anderson
18) Freddy Garcia
19) Cliff Floyd
20) Tim Redding

Oh. I just thought you should all know that Joe Crede is a lot better than Manny Ramirez.

Orlando Cabrera, your $25M/year contract awaits...

Quick, Let's Anecdotally Make a Distinction that Doesn't Even Exist

Jon "I'm Terrified of Things that are New" Heyman, re: Phillies GM Pat Gillick-

Gillick's success in Philly is another point in favor of scouts over stats in the debate about the value of the two strategies.

I like the use of "another" in this sentence, as if everyone paying attention to this debate should know full well that those in the "scouts" camp are clearly miles ahead. This is like saying "My friend Angelo's ice cream preference is another point for chocolate over vanilla in the debate about which flavor is better."

Gillick puts a lot of faith in his scouts,

There are dozens, nay, hundreds of MLB teams that put no faith whatsoever in their scouts. There's a joke amongst these teams' general managers that when scouting reports arrive, they are immediately placed in "the special circular file." (The special circular file is actually a trash can!)

employs a stable of experienced scouts

The Cubs, Giants, and Twins have recently folded their scouting programs altogether. The money saved by this measure will be put towards buying more supercomputers that know where to find talented young baseball players.

and relies on their eyes rather than a bunch of numbers anyone can read.

If computers are so great, why can't they tell who's going to be an All-Star based just on how 18 year old kids look when they put on their uniforms? Why can't they find good pitchers based solely on how mean the pitchers look when they stare into the batter's eyes?

Also: saying baseball stats are just a bunch of numbers anyone can read is like saying Tolstoy is just a bunch of words anyone can read.

Also, and most importantly: pretending like any team in baseball today, let alone one capable of winning a pennant and maybe a World Series, is not depending a lot on both scouting and statistical analysis is mind-numbingly retarded.

I'm Sorry, I Have to Call You Out on This One, Heyman

I don't have much time before heading out to Game 3 of the ALDS in Chicago today. But here's something that just pissed me off oh-too-much to ignore.

Jon Heyman made MVP / Cy Young picks recently.

Here are his choices for AL MVP.

1. Francisco Rodriguez, Angels. An alltime great season with a record 62 saves.

2. Carlos Quentin, White Sox. Broke his hand in a fit of anger, costing him the top spot here.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. The "jockey'' may actually win it with a scrappy attitude and solid stats (118 runs, 54 doubles).

4. Justin Morneau, Twins. Without him and his 129 RBIs, what does that lineup look like?

5. Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. The Red Sox campaign is for Pedroia, but this guy is just as pesky (.569 slugging, 115 RBIs).

6. Joe Nathan, Twins. Another great, underappreciated Twins star.

7. Joe Mauer, Twins. Great two-way catcher who won another batting title (.330) and is easily the best in his business.

8. Jermaine Dye, White Sox. Unnoticed star had a nice season.

9. Josh Hamilton, Rangers. As talented as anyone playing, including A-Rod, and 130 RBIs doesn't hurt his cause.

10. Evan Longoria, Rays. Even better, they already locked him up for six years.

Here are his choices for AL Cy Young.

1. Cliff Lee, Indians. Once-in-a-decade type season for this reclamation project (22-3, 2.54 ERA).

2. Roy Halladay, Blue Jays. The one pitcher in the league who can complete what he starts (nine complete games).

3. Francisco Rodriguez. Now holds the alltime saves record.

Let's throw out the fact that K-Rod is a completely and totally ridiculous choice for MVP. Really. We're just going to toss that part clear out the window. Possibly the craziest and stupidest thing anyone in the history of the universe has ever said, because there are at least 30 other relievers in baseball this season who could have broken the saves record playing for the Angels. (We're talking set-up men too, like Shields or Joba or Springer, or the entire Rays bullpen. Side note: Did anyone notice that this was Mariano Rivera's best season ever? That WHIP is sick!) I'm totally serious. Toss that entire bit out the motherfucking window. I will not make fun of you for saying this.

No, no. The problem I have with you, Jon Heyman, is this.

So K-Rod, whom you feel is the most valuable player in the entire American League, is only the 3rd best pitcher in the American League.

"Pitchers," for those who didn't know, are a subset of "players."

Why is the award handed out to supposedly the best player in the entire fucking American League going to a guy you feel is only the 3rd best pitcher????

Sure, Halladay and Lee are the two best "pitchers." They've racked up tons and tons of "Good Pitcher Points." But zero "Value Points". This is because Franklin Gutierrez is terrible and the Blue Jays gave Rod Barajas 102 at-bats in the #5 hole (and 9 batting cleanup!). These are the reasons that K-Rod is your MVP while being considered by Jon Heyman to be the 3rd best pitcher in the American League. (He isn't.)

There's only one way to describe this, and it's the made-up word that Larry B used > 10 times after passing out on my couch piss drunk after we went to game #163 on Tuesday.

That's "FWAP", Jon Heyman. One hundred percent grade-A FWAP!

A Bit of an Unjustifiable Typo

I've been staring at this for a few minutes, I just can't figure out how Jon Heyman ended up here. Your guess is as good as mine. (Thanks to regular tipster Erik)

Freddy Garcia threw 65 fastballs and changeups Thursday at "Hardball,'' an indoor facility near his Miami home, about 15 minutes south of where his old Phillies teammates were playing the Marlins. He was reported to have hit "85 mph,'' not too far from his velocity while helping the White Sox clinch the pennant in 1985.

Obviously he meant 2005, which is three digits off of 1985. And the White Sox didn't even win a pennant in 1985. Or at any time during the 60s, 70s, 80s, or 90s. Not close, Jon.

Picking on typos- the foundation of any successful anti sports media blog!

Hey Everyone!

Gee, it sure has been awhile since anyone has gushed over big ol' overrated ol' Torii Hunter, eh? Well Jon Heyman just changed that! Let's dive in!

Angel in the outfield
Torii Hunter is a perfect match with his new club

A "perfect match" you say? Here's what I'd call a "perfect match".

Step 1: Team has a lack of outfielders.
Step 2: Team signs a free-agent outfielder.

Look at this farking depth chart! Is there some convenient little spot where Hunter fits? No, it's a clusterfuck filled with other overpaid people like Gary Matthews and Garret Anderson who are slightly worse than Hunter. Reggie Willits had a .391 OBP last year! Juan Rivera was injured last year, but slugged .525 in 2006! So before you even say anything on the topic, I want you to know this, Jon Heyman. You are completely and totally one-hundred-per-fucking-cent WRONG.


TEMPE, Ariz. -- Hard as it is to believe, the best deal anyone made this winter just might have been done at a Del Taco, out on I-91, halfway between Anaheim and Riverside, on the way out to the desert. Over a couple iced teas, Torii Hunter's agent, Larry Reynolds, and new Angels GM Tony Reagins, two longtime baseball acquaintances, hammered out the $90-million, five-year contract that made Hunter an Angel and seemed to upset almost half the American League.

It upset two. The Rangers and the White Sox. And neither of those teams spent $90M on an overrated CF on the wrong side of 31 who has never EqA'ed above .282, so they realized the error of their ways (not really) and lived happily ever after. The end.

PECOTA-haters shut your eyes, but Hunter is projected for an average of 3.08 WARP for the 5 years of his contract. That's less than what Gary Matthews Jr. gave them last year by more than a full win. And this is supposed to be the best deal of the winter?

The Angels acted like "a Ninja in the middle of the night wearing all black," says Hunter, coming out of nowhere to sign the man who is now tearing up the Cactus League, with a .500 batting average (16 for 32), three HRs, 10 RBI and a 1.063 slugging percentage so far.

Why Jon, I couldn't dream of anything more meaningless than spring stats! Ivan Rodriguez has hit 6 HR in 41 ABs! He hit all of 11 last year. George Lombard is slugging 1.053. I have no clue who the fuck that is.

In reality, this is the perfect match, anyway: the perpetually sunny Hunter and Southern California. It was like a Disney ending. He says, "This is the one team I always wanted to play for. They were No. 1 on my list.''

Yeah, but guess what? Most Disney movies have really crappy sequels. I know just how they're gonna follow this up. We're going to turn it over to deep-throated movie trailer guy.

"One is a Major League Baseball team in sunny Southern California. The other is a sunny Major League Baseball player. It was a match made in heaven....or was it?

Tony Reagins: 'My...my money...it's gone! Someone spent it all!'

Coming to theatres this spring.....

Torii Hunter: 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT ME TO WALK MORE???'

....the story of the Torii Hunter and the Los Angeles Angels continues, as their seemingly perfect marriage melts into newlywed trauma and drama.

Torii Hunter: 'I'm givin' one hundred and twenty percent, coach!'

Mike Scioscia: 'If you ain't runnin' into outs you ain't tryin' dagnabbit!'

Garret Anderson: 'Doesn't anyone CARE about me anymore?'

Torii Hunter stars in his most difficult role yet.........

Torii Hunter: 'HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO PLAY ADEQUATE DEFENSE IN 5 YEARS???'

Torii Hunter.

Mike Scioscia.

And introducing Tony Reagins as the new Angels GM.......

Disney and Pixar proudly present.....

Free Agent Centerfielder II - The Low-OBP Debacle

Rated PG-13. Starts March 31"



Well that was pointless.

Some folks suggested the Angels overpaid. (If so, it's the first time anyone ever could claim that at a Del Taco.) But judging by the reaction of the teams that lost out for Hunter's services, those opinions are worth less than one Macho Taco (yes, it's on the menu).

We get it, the deal took place at a fucking fast-food taco restaurant. Those of you who read the actual article know that I've omitted several other useless references to the restaurant already in my commentary. It's getting REALLLLY annoying, no one cares.

The Rangers and especially the White Sox seemed to be floored by Hunter's quick call to go west. Both teams are believed to have offered $75 million for five years, with the Rangers perhaps willing to go even higher, and offer a sixth-year option.

The White Sox saw Hunter as the one to rescue a ho-hum clubhouse

Oh....yeah...and they had this black hole in center field that the Angels totally didn't have. You think they wanted him for that reason too? Or was he just supposed to uplift the clubhouse spirits?

This just in: It appears the White Sox have just signed Jabbo the Happy-Go-Kooky Klown to a 5 year, $105M deal. Jabbo will perform juggling tricks and throw pies in peoples faces in the dugout to lift the spirits of the players. He will also serve as a pinch hitter for Jerry Owens.

Hunter said he didn't approach the Angels since they already had Gary Matthews Jr. for center field, though that didn't stop him from waiting for their call, or jumping at the chance. Matthews will move over to leftfield, though with Reggie Willits and Juan Rivera also in tow, he may lose a few at-bats (that's probably OK by the Angels, as Matthews' brush with HGH last spring surely didn't help his stock with them).

Even Hunter realized that this move made absolutely no sense for the Angels, and that he totally didn't fit there. Yet one of the 30 Major League GMs couldn't figure that one out.

If those other teams that lost out are paying attention this spring, they can't feel any better about Hunter playing for an American League competitor. He is killing the ball out here

So are Gerald Laird and Ronnie Belliard.

and proving to be the perfect piece in a clubhouse that probably needed a little extra energy boost.

I love when journalists say crap like this. This little clause has something amazing working for it. You can't prove it.....but by golly, it's 100% impossible for someone to disprove it as well. We like to call these statements: mid-article cop-outs. This is when the author has run out of substantial things to say, so he starts racking up nonsense, or "phony-baloney" if you will, to fill the white space. Be at ease, Heyman, page 2 of this column is all about other topics. You only need to get a little further making up BS about Hunter.

Hunter's always upbeat nature is a welcome enhancement to a laid-back clubhouse whose biggest personality in years past was probably manager Mike Scioscia.

And again.

Southern California fans historically also are known for being laid back, but Hunter was so impressed by the Rally Monkey-fueled craziness in 2002 when the Angels knocked the Twins out of the playoffs en route to their World Series title, he made a mental note of it. "The atmosphere is crazy here. They're not laid back at all,'' Hunter insisted.

Thus: Hunter to the Angels was the best deal of the winter, and ZOMG! IT HAPPENED AT A TACO-BASED FAST FOOD OUTLET!!!!!

This is so disappointing. There's little-to-no correct, relevant substance in this entire column.

Hunter's also a great fit in the lineup, where he'll bat fourth or sometimes fifth, with Garret Anderson being the other option to protect the team's best hitter Vladimir Guerrero.

Batting order doesn't really mean that much, but yes, it will be nice for the Angels to have a solid HR hitter behind Vlad to make pitchers feel less easy about pitching around him. Point: Heyman.

Some might suggest Hunter isn't your typical cleanup man,

What crazies. Heyman, give us some solid evidence to the contrary.

but he will have none of that talk. "I'm going to bust your butt if you make a mistake," he warned opposing pitchers.

When an opposing pitcher makes a mistake against Ryan Howard, Howard literally sits down in the batters box and starts laughing, rather than actually swinging at the pitch to make the pitcher pay.

Thanks for the solid evidence.

The numbers suggest that's more than just a boast. When batting fourth last year for the Twins, Hunter batted .337 with three homers and 16 RBIs in 23 games.

Oh my gawwwwddd....you just gave be a world full of things to pick on! I feel like a kid in a candy store!

1) Let's start with the obvious one. 23 games. That's like, less than a month. When a player has a hot July, Heyman, do you automatically assume there's something about the player's genetic makeup that makes him more awesome in July?

2) That 3 HR / 23 games rate is actually LOWER than Hunter's HR rate for the season.

3) In 2005, Hunter batted only .279 batting 4th.

4) Hunter has never hit .290 in a season, and to suggest that a move to a DIFFERENT LINEUP SPOT would somehow give Hunter magic skills that allow him to hit at a sustainably higher batting average despite seasons upon seasons of evidence to the contrary is stupider than referencing the fact that a MLB offseason deal took place at a taco restaurant multiple times in an article. Good thing you've never done the latter.

5) You are a terrible columnist, Jon Heyman.

In his career, he's hitting .276 with 22 homers and 93 RBIs in 158 games -- almost identical numbers to his career 162-game average of .271, 25 and 93.

Wow....so like.....Torii Hunter hitting 4th is identical to Torii Hunter hitting anywhere else! Thanks for proving that we needed to talk about batting order!

As it turns out, the Angels may have found the perfect person for the middle of

their defense

Adequate.

their lineup,

Because who doesn't love a .324 career OBP?

and their clubhouse.

You based this on which specific interactions between Hunter and the other Angels players, again?

On the plus side, this is probably the first Torii Hunter article I have ever read that did not make ridiculous comments that overrate his defense. Kudos, Heyman.

FINALLY, Heyman Said Something Wrong Again

Whew. My absence has been due to a lack of ability to find material, not because I haven't been looking. Anywho.....it's time for "Hey, man!"

MESA, Ariz. -- If Chicago's beloved North Side team can't make the playoffs this year, I am going to start believing in the black cat, the Billy Goat, Bartman and all the rest. The Cubs are simply too talented and too deep not to make it back to October.

Isn't it just crazy that all of those things start with 'b'?

But seriously, Heyman. I agree that they're favorites. They aren't locks. Go on.

Perhaps no team has a clearer path to the playoffs than the defending NL central champions.

Angels, Heyman, Angels. Just because the Mariners got Bedard doesn't mean they'll be any good. They were outscored last year, and their lucky record confused the Mariners into thinking they were built to win. There isn't a team in the AL West that is even threatening. The Brewers, on the other hand, are right on the Cubs' heels, with a young and improving lineup and a revamped bullpen.

They already have a lot of great things going for them, not the least of which is a division in which the only serious threat may be the Milwaukee Brewers, an organization with even less World Series familiarity than the Cubs.

Ooooh....right.....sorry Milwaukee. Guess the talent level of your team has been overshadowed by the fact that the prior teams in the history of your franchise (most of which contained no current Brewers players, mind you) have not made the World Series. Not only can you not win the division as a result....you can't even be considered a threat either.

Chicago's rotation is sound, led by tough guy Carlos Zambrano, who, after the A's used a DH the other day, batted because no one wanted to tell him he couldn't (besides, he can hit).

"Chicago's rotation is sound, led by tough guy Carlos Zambrano, who, (insert something that has nothing to do with why Zambrano is good)." "Tough guy" doesn't cut it. And Zam's strikeout rate slipped a good deal last year, which is concerning.

Also, saying the Cubs' rotation is "sound" is a great (read: obvious) way to avoid talking about the problems it has when you're trying to argue the team is very good. There's every reason to think Rich Hill will have a solid year, as should Lilly, despite some likely regression. When you're talking about contenders, however, a 1-2-3 of Zam, Lilly, and Hill is well below average. Dempster and Lieber are at best, question marks. Plus, there's always the chance that Jason Marquis will complain his way into the rotation, which should be enough to gag any Cubs fan who knows his track record.

The bullpen, unlike in recent years, has at least two viable closer options -- Carlos Marmol has been light's out this spring, and Kerry Wood hit 98 recently. And the lineup looks awfully powerful, no matter how manager Lou Piniella pencils them in (more on that later).

Kerry Wood and Carlos Marmol combined career saves: 1

Yes, either one MIGHT be good in the role, but come on, you can't list this as a reason that the Cubs are superior to other teams. This isn't better than coming into the season with an established closer, as the majority of the teams do (Todd Joneses and Joe Borowskis aside).

Despite the Cubs' history, which includes 99 straight seasons without a World Series championship, star first baseman Derrek Lee agreed that they should be prohibitive favorites in the NL Central.

Intriguing, the Cubs are able to be favorites to win the division DESPITE the fact that the 1941, 1982, and 1916 Cubs did not happen to win the World Series! Truly remarkable!

When are writers going to realize that the losing legacy of the Cubs has absolutely no significant effect on the players on the field?