Won't Somebody PLEASE Fire Jay Mariotti Already

In this column, Jay proves himself wrong about something he's claimed billions of times, then claims it again.

The seventh inning Wednesday night brought one such agonizing moment. Not to tap into the dark past, the black cat and the billy goat and the Bartman, but would someone explain why a baseball -- which also starts with a 'b,' as in black magic -- suddenly rolled in from the bullpen to the third-base area just as Milwaukee's Ryan Braun was lining a shot down the line past a diving Aramis Ramirez? I'm not saying this at all affected Ramirez's concentration, because Brooks Robinson wouldn't have caught Braun's laser that went for a break-open two-run double. But to witness two baseballs passing in the night, on the same damning play, is just too creepy.

The seventh inning Wednesday night brought one such agonizing moment. Not to tap into the dark past, the black cat and the billy goat and the Bartman, but would someone explain why a baseball -- which also starts with a 'b,' as in black magic -- suddenly rolled in from the bullpen to the third-base area just as Milwaukee's Ryan Braun was lining a shot down the line past a diving Aramis Ramirez? I'm not saying this at all affected Ramirez's concentration, because Brooks Robinson wouldn't have caught Braun's laser that went for a break-open two-run double. But to witness two baseballs passing in the night, on the same damning play, is just too creepy.

If you know what I mean.

If you know what I mean.

I didn't make a mistake here. Jay actually printed that twice. OK. Let's parse that. Keep in mind, Jay is paid to write.

The seventh inning Wednesday night brought one such agonizing moment. Not to tap into the dark past, the black cat and the billy goat and the Bartman, but would someone explain why a baseball -- which also starts with a 'b,' as in black magic -- suddenly rolled in from the bullpen to the third-base area just as Milwaukee's Ryan Braun was lining a shot down the line past a diving Aramis Ramirez?

Sure. I'd be happy to. The Cubs have a shitty field where the bullpen is located down the line where a batter could smoke a foul ball and severely injure the catchers (who face away from the plate). A wild pitch was thrown in said bullpen, and it got on the field. Why the hell is this so complicated/worth paying attention to?

Oh yeah, and because "baseball" starts with a 'b' (linking it deeply with 'black magic'), this is yet another mark of a cursed team. Hold on a second while I explode here.

FUCKYOUJAYYOUMAKENOSENSEGETFIREDALREADYTHISISALOADOFBULLSHITWHYAREYOUWRITINGABOUTAFUCKINGBASEBALLTHATROLLEDINFROMTHEBULLPENANDCLAIMINGITSCURSEDFORSOMEREASONBECAUSEITSTARTSWITHTHESAMELETTERASOTHER"CURSED"THINGS

Ahem. It is my belief that Jay is not a good writer, because the things he writes are useless.

I'm not saying this at all affected Ramirez's concentration, because Brooks Robinson wouldn't have caught Braun's laser that went for a break-open two-run double. But to witness two baseballs passing in the night, on the same damning play, is just too creepy.

I'm putting the probability of Jay overreacting about this at about 71 percent.

But seriously guys, isn't it interesting that "baseball" and "Bartman" start with a 'b'?

Not that the Cubs weren't contributing to their own misery in a 6-1 loss to Ben Sheets and the Brewers. This wasn't exactly a textbook lesson on how to take charge of a flimsy division race -- not with Ryan Theriot dropping a relay on a sure double-play ball and opening the floodgates to a four-run seventh for the Brewers, not with the Cubs leaving runners on base all night in another display of impotence, not with Carlos Zambrano failing again and doing little more than snorting and stomping around for his new $91.5 million contract.

Right, a few of the Cubs players played poorly.

All of which serves as another reminder that Lou Piniella is the most important factor in whether the Cubs win a division title. Having turned chaos into contention this season, can he now work a bigger miracle the final five weeks? From the dugout, can he manufacture enough runs to rescue his feeble hitters from themselves?

Let me get this straight.

1) Carlos Zambrano, a player, pitched poorly in an inning
2) Ryan Theriot, a player, made a poor defensive play.
3) Conclusion: These things indicate that Lou Piniella, the manager, is the most important factor in whether the Cubs win a division title.

Not Zambrano pitching better.
Not Theriot being flawless with the glove.
Piniella giving people the bunt sign from the dugout will be the difference in the pennant race.
Piniella needs to "manufacture" runs because he has "feeble" hitters like Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, and Derrek Lee.

Jay, you literally gave PERFECT reasoning why Lou Piniella is much less a factor in the pennant race than the players by illustrating how poor performances from two PLAYERS costed the Cubs the game. I am beginning to go beyond believing you merely have the cognitive ability of an 8-year old bastard daughter of a Nigerian crack-whore. No. It's worse than that. You don't think at all.

And to sum it up.....we've heard Loupy Lounacy, Louphoria, Loubik's Cube, and several others. Jay tops them all here.

It wasn't long ago when he was IncogniLou, wearing dark glasses and a ballcap so he wouldn't be noticed on Michigan Avenue.

IncogniLou.

Wow.