Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Alert! There's Been Sightings of Bad Analogies, Bad Jokes, and WRONG!

Scott Miller

Pads' 'Operation' needs Milton Bradley's skills, not his games

Boo! Get off the Stage!

Hey, didn't you hear? Coco Crisp's name sounds like he should be a breakfast food! Yo Crisp! The Red Sox need your skills, not your cereal!

SAN DIEGO -- That Milton Bradley was quietly working a USA Today crossword puzzle at his locker before the start of this week's key NL West series with Arizona is perfect in that six years and five organizations into his major-league career, he remains unsolved and far from completely filled in.

God that's bad. But what if Bradley's a pretty smart dude and had that crossword filled in? I bet he did!

Unfulfilled talent? Troublemaker? Still maturing? Misunderstood?

All of the above?

The hardball Life and Times of Milton Bradley, usually located straddling Sorry! and Ants in the Pants, has moved two spaces, and now it's San Diego that is rolling the dice.

ZOMG! It's almost as if there's some sort of corporation that manufactured those things, and Bradley's name is somehow connected to it!

Even in their Tim Hudson-Jason Giambi-Miguel Tejada heyday, Oakland never advanced to the ALCS. With Bradley last year, they did.

Milton Bradley, 2006 ALDS: 1-13, 1 HR. That HR was a 2-run homer in an 8-3 win. Thank God for Milton fucking Bradley, without whom the A's might never have broken that stupid curse.

"One guy really can make a difference in the lineup," Padres shortstop Khalil Greene says. "Look at Philadelphia with Chase Utley. When he's in the lineup, it changes everything."

I really hope Khalil Greene doesn't think Milton Bradley has anywhere near the same influence as Chase Utley. Like, I really, really hope not. Even given Bradley's awesome last 100 ABs, that's crap.

Since they acquired him from Oakland on June 29, when he's been in the lineup, the switch-hitting Bradley has been to the San Diego lineup -- a lineup that ranks 15th in the NL in on-base percentage, 15th in batting average and 12th in runs scored -- what a hydraulic car lift is for an auto mechanic.

Wow. There you have it. Milton Bradley:Padres :: hydraulic car lift:auto mechanic

Weak. I mean not that it doesn't make sense or anything, it's just wordy and stupid. Tell ya what. In the comments section, leave behind an analogy in the following form.

Milton Bradley:Padres :: (thing):(profession)

Most creative analogy gets my personal thumbs up.


pnoles said...

My biggest problem with his article, though I'd pretty much have to quote the entire thing to show it, is that this is probably the first argument ever for Milton Bradley making his teammates better. For whatever "chemistry" is worth, Bradley is up there with the Hillenbrands and the Barretts when we're talking about bad-attitude dudes who piss off teammates.

Chris W said...

jason giambi, miguel tejada, MARK MULDER?

Anonymous said...

Milton Bradley:Padres :: Fluffer:Male Porn Star
- Daniil

Chris Hart said...

Milton Bradley:Padres::Parent's Basement:Bloggers.

Seriously though, Mark Mulder?

Brett said...

>>The hardball Life and Times of Milton Bradley, >>usually located straddling Sorry! and Ants in the >>Pants, has moved two spaces, and now it's San >>Diego that is rolling the dice.

No, no, no! He didn't! No! The humanity....

Anonymous said...

Milton Bradley:Padres::colonoscope:proctologist

pnoles said...

I feel ya Brett. I really do.