Tuesday, August 7, 2007

bill simmons (shockingly!) is in the middle of a writing a pretty decent column- how will he screw it up?

we'll do this like a quiz. first go here and read all the way up until the part very close to the bottom that says "Rosie on FNL". go ahead, i give everything in the article up to that point my non-sarcastic seal of mild approval. it's a pretty good (if hyperbolic, but come on, this is simmons we're talking about here) article. but once you get there, stop! no peeking. there are 2 paragraphs left. how will simmons snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and turn this column into the kind of crap we're used to seeing from him?

a) by telling a story about j-bug, hench, the sports gal, and his daughter
b) by needlessly referencing the celtics
c) by needlessly referencing the patriots
d) by talking about "the karate kid" for some reason
e) by talking about the red sox/yankees, which would be acceptable since this is a "summer" article and all, but by doing so in such a douche-y and snively way as to ruin the point

think about it....

ok, did you guess? let's take a look-

Will things turn around? All I know is this: Back in '81 and '94, video games helped save me. Now Madden 2008 is saving me. After wrangling an advance PS3 copy last weekend, for the first time ever I didn't have to make shady trades to improve the Patriots offense; their roster was so loaded I just cued up Franchise mode, skipped through exhibition season and started things off with the Jets in Week 1.

For the first play, I had Brady wing a play-action bomb to Randy Moss, who hauled it in 50 yards downfield and zoomed down the sideline for six. Watching fake Moss celebrate with his fake Pats teammates, I found myself hoping the same play would work during the season. And when you think about it, that's what the summer should be about: hope.

what a giant turd of a conclusion. we get it, bill. you like the patriots. smooth segue there from talking about how great they're allegedly going to be (at this point, a completely cliched topic; has been since early june) to giving a pathetically generic overarching point that's supposed to somehow wrap up the article. so the answer was c. although, give me some credit, weren't all 5 of the options i gave you totally plausible? i bet hench is pissed he didn't make it into this article.


Chris Hart said...

I fail to see where this is a piece of crappy journalism. We've all read Simmons, we all know exactly what we're going to get, and it's not fact-based analysis. He's going to jump around and make pop culture references, he's going to reference Boston sports teams (He IS the Boston Sports Guy). The guy is extremely popular for a reason, he's enjoyable to read. Get over it, move on, go read Baseball Prospectus.

Chris W said...

that was some gay shit about the madden, dude

you're doubly banned from the beat burglars

Chris Hart said...

You're right, that stuff he said about Madden tooootally liked guys.

I'd be careful about this beat burglar bannage(word?). I'm pretty sure I make up a large portion of your west coast fan base.

Chris W said...

say word.

we're huge in portland though

dan-bob said...

"That's what summer should be about: hope"

What? Since when does summer have the market cornered on hope?

I always find spring a much more hopeful season than others, but maybe that's because I only care about baseball.

Chris W said...

aprrrrril is the crrrrruellest month

Joey said...

He's just stating a fact. The Patriots are ridiculous this year in Madden. He likes Madden, he spoke in prior columns about how the Pats will be in Madden. Now he's actually played it and wants to inform his fans about it. Don't be jealous because just because the Patriots are too good on paper.

fthesportsguy said...

I think he only failed to mention the Yankees/BoSox because he's starting to get nervous again after writing them off a month into the season. Personally, I'd love to see both of them choke, then have Toronto come out of nowhere to take the division. Unfortunately, I don't control baseball...