Friday, August 17, 2007

Hardiman Strikes Again

For those of you who don't remember Ed Hardiman, he's the guy who wrote an article which, if not the worst and dumbest article to appear here, is definitely on the top 5.

Now he's back again, with another stupid attempt to be hilarious.

His article is about the Jose Offerman incident.

This is the part of the story that never gets picked up by the wire services. Offerman held a press conference in the lobby of the Lucky Deuces Motor Lodge where he's staying.

EH: Jose you attacked two people with a baseball bat and yet I can't help wondering what you were thinking when you hit the home run in the first inning?

JO: I am presumed innocent until proven guilty in America so I'm glad you're focusing on the one thing we can agree on, I did hit the home run and I was thinking of giving thanks to my personal savior and...

EH: Sorry to interrupt, but are you denying this is you in the picture swinging the bat?

JO: I'm saying this is a typical rush to judgement by the media when all the facts, which I might add indicate my innocence, come out they will exonerate me of all these allegations.

EH: So an imposter came up to bat wearing your jersey who looks exactly like you and he charged the mound?

JO: Something like that, I'm not at liberty to discuss the details on the advice of my attorneys. Next question from someone else please.

(Long silence)

EH: Jose I'm the only reporter present can we continue?

JO: We can as long as you print I'm innocent until proven guilty.

EH: Fair enough. Can you discuss how this imposter managed to elude police?

JO: I would imagine anyone good enough to fool a stadium full of people, players and cameras is good enough to fool the police and get away afterwards.

EH: So you're?

JO: A victim of circumstances.

EH: Thanks Jose, good luck on your comeback.

JO: Its not a comeback its an exciting opportunity to market my baseball skills to a different demographic.

Jose Offerman, innocent until proven guilty or crazed bat wielding maniac? Its just another American tale. There are no second acts just the twilight of a career flickering for a couple of hundred fans, a handful of shelled peanuts and for one brief second as the crowd cheers and the ball clears the fence, the dream doesn't seem so far away...


Where the hell did all this come from?

Okay Ed. This MIGHT be funny if Mr. Offerman was pleading "not guilty" or was acting like it wasn't his fault or something. I did a Google search for "Jose Offerman innocent until proven guilty" and this is the first (and pretty much only) relevant hit. I literally looked all over Google and YouTube for some sort of Offerman speech making some sort of wild, ridiculous claim, and there is none. What are you trying to make fun of here? Even if this is some sort of vague reference to Michael Vick, that's a total stretch. Where in the world did you get the ridiculously unwitty, stupid, and awful premise for this fake interview?

I'm imagining you sitting in your chair, smoking a cigar like that retarded looking duck (or whatever your foxsports.com icon is) trying to find a way to be funny about this incident. You're thinking with your pea brain (we determined it was the exact size of a pea in the "Slobbermetrics" post) for like 11 hours, and finally decide "Ooh! I know! Let's pretend that Jose Offerman is mentally insane and that he's acting like he didn't really charge the mound in front of thousands of people and hit people with a baseball bat! Eddie boy, you genius!"

Quit vomiting nonsense already.

5 comments:

Chris W said...

this is lame


really really lame

offerman fucked up

either you think it's

1.) "no big deal...in the high pressued, high testosterone world of professional sports these thing will happen"

(NOT FUCKING LIKELY THAT YOU THINK THAT)

or

2.) this is FELONY ASSAULT and therefore NOT FUNNY.

No matter which side you're on, this article is embarrassingly awful.

Chris W said...

ps: what would the reporter expect a person facing criminal charges to say:

"YES I DID IT! I am telling YOU. A REPORTER. Please print in the paper that I admit I DID IT so when I face criminal charages in court they prosecutor will have no problem putting me away for 5-10 years!"

I realize this was a "joke" article and it's supposed to be hilariosu but not realistic....but I'm just saying. Even if we take it as an Onion-esque thing, it's not funny

larry b said...

ed hardiman is the ann coulter/michael moore of sportswriters, if such a thing is possible.

pnoles said...

That's actually what I thought too, Chris....like he was trying to do what the Onion does.

My guess: Ed Hardiman is an author once fired from theonion.com.

fireedhardimanagain.blogspot

Ed Hardiman said...

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate you taking time to not only read my scribble but also comment on it. This is very entertaining.

You can't be picky about your fans and a certain portion of them will irrationally hate your guts so its all good...

Best of Luck,
Drink in Hand,
Wish I had the Time...