Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Bill Simmons, you are really annoying

Yes, that's right fjm readers, it's time once again to make fun of Bill Simmons. I like the guy well enough, despite the fact that his blind homerism makes most of what he writes, well, unreadable. He's a guy who knows how to write in an extremely breezy, humorous prose. But reading his column is unfortunately much of the time like watching an episode of "Room Raiders" directed by Stephen Spielberg. We get it, you like the Red Sox and Patriots, a lot. You live in LA and bitch about the traffic, like it's the first time anybody has ever mentioned Gridlock along the Santa Ana Freeway.

Unfortunately, the recent success of the Patriots and Red Sox had caused Simmons to rise from being moderately annoying to entirely insufferable during NFL and MLB seasons. In recent years, however, I've really enjoyed his work on the NBA. Sure he bitched about how the Celtics can't win or manage a team; but this has prevented his homerism from affecting how he looks at the rest of the league. And then the Celtics had to go ahead and trade for KG and Ray Allen. Not two hours after the KG trade, Simmons posted this 900 word essay, including two side bars, on how the Celtics are going to to be unbeatable in the East this season.

Basically, McHale traded one of the best 25 players ever -- at the tail end of his prime!!! -- for Jefferson (a free agent in two years), one year of Gomes (a free agent in '08, when he'll be leaving treadmarks on his way out of Minnesota), a harmless pick and a do-over for a pick he never should have traded.

So we've got Paul Pierce (one of the top superstars in the East), an old guy who may or may not contribute much this season, and KG, one of the 25 greatest players EVER.

But wait, what did Simmons say earlier this season about KG, in his top to bottom rankings of NBA players?

26. Kevin Garnett
I know it's not his fault. I know. At the same time ...
A. He missed the playoffs for three straight years in his prime.
B. He made it past the first round once in his entire career.
C. You can't say those things about any other "superstar" from the past 30 years. Not one of them.

I'm trying to get my head around how someone can be one of the top 25 players in NBA history, but only be the 26th best players in the 2007 NBA season. Okay, maybe he's trailing off, getting old, not in his prime... but wait, didn't he just say... let's see

the tail end of his prime!!!

okay, then.

Now here's where it gets really good: Pierce, Allen and Garnett happen to be wired the exact same way -- three ultracompetitive guys nearing the end of their primes who would sacrifice anything to play on a winner.

This after Simmons railed the Celtics for trading for an injury prone, aging Allen last month.

Thanks to rumors that the Celtics might trade the No. 5 pick, Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West for a soon-to-be 32-year-old shooting guard coming off double ankle surgeries (Ray Allen), I just spent the last 20 minutes on trying to find one great shooting guard who didn't decline significantly in Years 12 through 14 of his NBA career. Here's the list: Reggie Miller. That's it. Also, I just threw up in my mouth and some of it went up the back of my nose.

I could go on, but frankly, reading through Bill Simmons columns just made me throw up in my mouth a little. Some of the vomit may have shot through my sinus cavity and out my ears a bit. And I think I can taste some of the Pad Thai I ate last night.

It's almost like Simmons thinks all the ridiculous, hyperbolic crap he's written in the past somehow disappears into a mysterious black hole in the internet. This isn't a hole in the wall bar where you can make a new Jagermeister fueled outburst every week; there, someone may or may not remember what you said last week. Although I'm nearly 100% sure all the stuff said in this theoretical bar is just about as informative, well thought out, and intelligent as what's written over at


larry b said...

ive been to that theoretical bar, it sucks. total sausage fest and the drinks are too expensive. the guy yelling shit about sports in the corner was kind of entertaining though.

Chris W said...

he was theoretically entertaining

Chris Hart said...

Great post. I had read all of those articles and didn't really put it together in my head. Thanks ER.

pnoles said...

A flip-flop? Maybe Simmons and Mariotti are distant cousins or something....

eriz said...

no they've all got the sportswriter gene, duh