Tuesday, August 14, 2007

jay mohr takes a cheap shot at a third world country

classy guy, that jay. i'm not entirely sure why foxsports.com hired him to write on their website. maybe they were hoping it was still 1996, i don't know. jay kind of rambles through this column (if you want to call it that) with some atrocious jokes and then finishes up with a real doozy. let's follow along. re: barroids:

There was a positive steroid test that no one seems to be talking about — Clay Hensley's. Clay Hensley tested positive for steroids while pitching in the minor leagues. So let's take No. 755 off the board and out of the record books because the pitcher used juice.

While we're at it, let's take away the home runs that Barry Bonds hit off of Felix Heredia, Guillermo Mota and Ryan Franklin too. These three pitchers also tested positive for steroids.

i'm going to ask you to ignore the complete and total lack of logic here and focus on the punchline/end of thought:

So if the pitchers are juiced then the home runs were hit while they were cheating and shouldn't count. That leaves Shrek-head Barry at 752.

that's it, right there. he's done. the next paragraph begins with a new topic. he just awkwardly leaves the reader with the premise that we should subtract a handful of home runs from barry's total. where was he trying to go with this? did he have plans to go down the list of every pitcher bonds has ever taken deep, and come up with a reason why the home run(s) he hit off of everyone shouldn't count, leaving barry with zero? i mean, that leaves the door open for a little comedy... jokes about a pitcher's facial hair, or how fat he was, or something along those lines. but i don't think that's what jay wanted here. i honestly believe that that conclusion was all he had to say on the subject, and needed to get it off his chest and out in the open for readers like me.

Back to Glavine, certainly no one will reach 300 wins by pitching so slowly. Wow. This guy's pitches looked like they were coming out of a catalogue — six-to-eight weeks for delivery.

that's like a punchline you would see in a bazooka joe comic, if they had enough space on the wax paper to cram in all the necessary set up.

Why doesn't the NFL allow Mike Vick into training camp? He could bring a few of his winning dogs and let them loose on the field. That should shave a few seconds off the receivers' 40 times. What happens if Alge Crumpler drops a pass? Does he get electrocuted?

*whifffffffff*... and i'm not even referring to the potentially offensive nature of the jokes. i for one am not offended by them, they just suck. (so i guess that aspect of them offends me. but not the dog torture references... you know what i mean.) the point is, jay mohr has not been relevant for almost a decade and there is a reason for this. and no, i'm not counting "last comic standing."

moving on-

I will not get into the habit of addressing my critics but this is an exception. For all of you soccer maniacs out there, you need to come down off your high horses. Just because I do not like soccer, does not mean that I do not know how to play soccer. Nor does it mean that I don't "understand" soccer or "appreciate" soccer.

he goes on to talk about being a moderate soccer fan growing up, and having some family ties to the game. then:

I know how to play soccer, I appreciate soccer, and I get soccer. I don't like soccer. If soccer is so fantastic, then why isn't it successful here?

in a rare moment of clarity, i think bill simmons partially explained this in a column he wrote a week ago or so that i blasted here. americans aren't all that into soccer because the best players in the world don't play here. we really only want to see top notch performers. that's why minor league baseball isn't on TV. that's why arena football isn't more popular. and so on and so on. i think it's a pretty good thesis. anyways, i'm just pissing in the wind here. let's let jay finish up sounding like a dipshit.

Maybe if you spent less time on message boards and more time in the seats at a Galaxy game, there might be an MLS five years from now!

that's right, soccer fans. no going on the internet allowed, even during the 18-20 hours a day during which no MLS games are being played. why not? because it makes you look like you're not dedicated to the sport you enjoy, that's why. oh, and also, jay mohr will attempt to ridicule you for doing so.

alright, let's get to that stunning conclusion i've been hyping up so much:

And stop telling me that proof that soccer must be great is because every other country plays it. Have you seen every other country? C'mon, I'm supposed to get fired up for soccer because they are playing it in Cameroon? I'll stick with running water and baseball.



pnoles said...

Wow.....what an elitist prick.

John said...

wow...that article was like a bp fastball for this blog. it was like he wrote it just for you larry.

Chris W said...

jay mohr isn't aware of the existence of anyone but himself--how else to explain the movie "suicide kings"

Anonymous said...

If he is implying that Shrek is on the juice, then I AM offended. I haven't seen one shred of evidence connecting Shrek to BALCO.

larry b said...

john- i'm actually in cahoots with a lot of writers we rip on here. i pay them small sums of money just to give me stuff to write about. strangely, though, mohr is not one of those writers! he's just terrible and unfunny.

anonymous- apparently shrek was one of the guys named by jason grimsley. i haven't heard one way or another on any of the cast of toy story, however.

Chris said...

Huh? Using the same logic that Jay Mohr displays, it could be said that baseball isn't popular else in the world because of U.S. elitist a**hole* like Mohr? Obviously he hasn't been outside of the borders either. He's probably better off staying in the U.S. Show the Mohr swagger abroad and he'll be packed in a cradle of shit and sent home.