Wednesday, August 22, 2007

what is the record for most atrocious jokes in a single column?

whatever it was before august 21, 2007, espn.com's gene wojciechowski just shattered it in this "column" about fantasy football. i can't put into words how terrible it is. i almost didn't post it here, for fear of exposing it to any more readers than absolutely necessary. it's bad enough that a bunch of poor saps cruising through espn.com are going to read this abomination. i'll just post some highlights, and if you really want to not laugh (except if you're like chris w and like laughing at unfunny stuff), you can click on the link and check out the rest yourself. honestly... how is this guy a senior columnist at the country's most popular sports website? i was just thinking about what concessions i would make in order to get this guy fired. it's a tough call, but i think i would trade not complaining about bill simmons for one entire year in order to do so. he's that bad.

Losing your fantasy league is as easy as this

You know you're not going to win your NFL fantasy league when ...

-You select Cooper Manning with the No. 1 overall pick.

that's his first joke. that's how he chooses to get the ball rolling. this is equivalent to a stand up comedian coming on stage at a club and immediately being electrocuted by the microphone.

-In the second round you take Josh Scobee because, "The dude doesn't miss extra points, man.''

joke #2. drafting a kicker early! LOL! what kind of fool would do that?!??!

-Your roster is filled with players from the now-defunct NFL Liechtenstein.

i'm picturing gene studying a map of europe for hours before writing this, tearing himself up over which country would work best in the joke. little did he know, the answer was: none of them.

-You let your pet monkey consult on draft strategy.

monkeys = comedy, as we all know.

-You draft players based solely on Wonderlic scores.

great reference- you know that test they give guys entering the real NFL draft? REMEMBER THAT THING ANALYSTS ALWAYS TALK ABOUT? HAAHA

-You draft Vinny Testaverde for your keeper league.

because he is old ROFLCOPTERS

-You have to take an urgent phone call during the draft, so you ask your wife to make the next pick for you based on your cheat sheet. Instead, she chooses New York Giants free safety Will Demps because, she says, "he's a hottie."

-You agree.

if you are gay or bisexual (and with a wife no less... i smell a sitcom!) you will fail at fantasy football. good one, gene.

-You keep picking Dolphins players because a little voice tells you Nick Saban is going to turn it around in Miami this season.

HAHA BECAUSE HE ISN'T EVEN COACHING THEM ANYMORE!!!!!111

-You've never heard of Terrell Owens.
-You've never quite figured out the scoring system.
-You didn't know there was an AFC and an NFC.

these aren't even jokes. they're just true statements. if these things describe you, you probably aren't going to succeed at fantasy football.

-As a general rule of thumb, you like to take at least four players from your alma mater, the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy.

kind of a low blow towards people that didn't go to a traditional university, don't you think? stupid merchant marines! take THAT.

-Last year you took Albert Pujols with the first pick.

WRONG SPORT! ZOMG! I'M DYING HERE

-Your pet monkey jumps to a different ownership group.

oh. my. god.

i hate to be a hypocrite about hating simmons by making a pop culture reference, but i just looked over these jokes and came to a conclusion: i think gene wojciechowski is basically like a real life version of michael scott from "the office." only less heartwarming.

7 comments:

pnoles said...

I am literally dying laughing over here. Wojciechowski is so bad.

He forgot to include "You draft Michael Vick as your quarterback". I was actually waiting for that one to show up.

And very nice "The Office" reference.

Jeff said...

Check out his comments (ESPN Conversation), he's approaching 100 and I haven't seen a positive one yet.

Jeff said...

Wait actually he's at like 160 comments.

larry b said...

pnoles- there's a vick joke in there. if you hate yourself, go check it out.

jeff- i'm telling you, we're getting hired to replace this guy at some point. it's going to happen.

Chris Hart said...

You know, to me, that's a productive post.

pnoles said...

LOOOOL! chris hart with my favorite comment of the week!

Chris Hart said...

Note: my post was not meant to be sarcastic. Guess I've just conditioned everyone to my hate.