Jeff Francouer, he of the career .312 OBP, has a question for all you basement-dwelling, sunshine-hating, girl-never-talking-to, sex-never-having, fuckhead stat nerds:
"If on-base percentage is so important, then why don't they put it up on the scoreboard?"
Hmmmmmmm. Your own answers to this surely non-rhetorical question inthe comments, please.
Why I am visiting MLB.com lately to get playoff updates, I don't know. Maybe I like awful writing (which might explain my current job). Or maybe I'm cynical enough to deliberately visit it to get more material. I read this sentence, shook my head cartoonishly, read the sentence again, readjusted the prescription on the contacts I don't wear, and then started cussing.
Parse this, folks:
Still, for all the credit given to Ramirez for the Dodgers' turnaround this year -- and, of course, he homered again in this game, his MLB postseason record 26 and counting -- Torre has insisted that pitching won in October when he was leading the Yankees and it would be just as critical for the Dodgers.
I count six ideas jammed into one sentence, and I had to read 30 words till I found the subject and verb to even figure out what the hell was going on. Pronouns and punctuations are being abused with abandon. Shouldn't that be "26th" instead of "26"?
First reader to diagram that correctly, and email it to us gets a dollar in the mail. Put your address in the e-mail if you want the dollar. You can use PO Boxes. Employees of FJM and their subsidiaries are not eligible. And I said first reader, CHart: you're not eligible for this contest.
I'll really mail you a dollar.
PS. Go Cubs Go!
I halfway mentioned this in the comments section of an earlier post, but since it's kind of a slow sports night, I felt compelled to turn it into a full post. Here's the situation: you're on a plane that's minutes away from crashing. The pilots and other passengers have already parachuted to safety. The only two other beings on said plane besides yourself are none other than Brett Fav-ruh and Barbaro. (Pretend he's alive; after all, he'll live forever in our hearts.) It's the three of you... and only two parachutes. You're in control. What do you do? Are you selfish enough to deprive America of one of its true heroes? Are you crazy enough to deprive it of both? Will you try to wear a chute while holding onto Barbaro in order to save all three of you? Please, let me know. I'm curious.
(Hint: unless you want to get really creative, this basically boils down to who sucks more between the two celebrities.)
Listed here in that order, because I'm a big fan of compartmentalization. Why lump all the information together into a giant ball of confusion when I can conveniently and clearly separate it for you? It's like the difference between watching football highlights narrated by Shannon Sharpe and those narrated by anyone else. Well, not really. That comparison barely holds. I just wanted to pick on some low-hanging fruit and point out that Sharpe is completely incapable of verbally communicating with an audience.
The good news: Exactly one week from today, I'll be done with this horrendous job that has taken up way too much of my time. You know what that means, all seven of you who have stuck with us through these last few lean months? That's right- you're about to have access to a lot more mediocre anti-sports media blogging. Don't spend it all in one place. Hopefully I'll settle into a routine of staying up all night and putting up something very substantial at least four days a week, just like I did last fall/early winter.
The bad news: Yet again, for about the 90th-ish time in the last 100-ish nights, I have nothing substantial to offer you. I know, I know. It hurts me too. Of course, dozens of professional journalists have made long and fruitful careers out of offering nothing substantial to their readers. So I guess I'm not alone. Here, I'll be Woody Paige: I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE MICHAEL VICK FIGHT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO THE DEATH, AND LET DOGS WATCH. THAT SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT? EYE FOR AN EYE. OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, PIE FOR A GUY. Sounds about right. And this admission that I yet again haven't written anything big leads me to...
So remember this post from Wednesday? I was thinking it would be really legendary if anyone who wanted to chip in could share the most legendary sports moment they've ever witnessed, in the vein of the last guy I complained about with the Clemente/Bonds story. We're talking about the kind of thing legends are made of. Go on, tell away. Here, I'll get things started:
JOHN ELWAY EXTENDS DRIVE WITH ACCURATE HUCK. It was late fall 1994, and the Broncos were hosting the Chiefs in an AFC West showdown at Mile High Stadium. Ten year old Larry B was in attendance. I was sitting there in section 319 (that's made up, I have no idea where I was sitting) as the Broncos faced an uncritical third and six from the KC 45 with about seven minutes left in the second quarter. Elway dropped back to pass, avoided a blitzer by brushing off an arm tackle, and fired a seed directly into the waiting arms some receiver whose name escapes me at the moment. The completion was good for nine yards and a first down! Denver would go on to kick a field goal on the drive. It remains to this day the most amazing pass I've ever seen on a third and six from the opponents' 45 at Mile High Stadium. I'm 23 now.
Please, everyone jump in. We've all got something to share.
Over/under on number of people who actually participate: 2.5. Hint: don't take the over. But a week from now, it all changes. We're getting the readership back up into the low teens. I can almost taste the impending Google ad revenue.
I'm not trying to pat myself on the back or anything here, but this might be the best copout post of all time. Feel free to leave your thoughts as to why this bit sucks and never really got off the ground. Or, don't leave your thoughts and let your silence speak volumes. Even if you don't participate, you participate! Everyone wins, even me.
If all else fails, feel free to start an argument about one of the following to get yourself through the day:
-the length of the NBA playoffs
-the DH
-Roger Goodell's heavy-handed punishments
-the Olympics: does anyone care? (I personally do, no sarcasm, but I seem to be in the minority)
-John Daly: jolly or dangerous?
-gun control/prayer in schools/abortion
Enjoy the beginning of your weekend.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my request earlier in the week for links. I definitely have a small backlog of them going at this point, and will try to get to a couple over the weekend. I still have to finish that Gene Wojceichowski thing, someone tipped me off about a random asshole over at FoxSports.com who needs to be fired, and we now have definitive proof that Jemele Hill is a huge racist. Tune in during the next few days to see what I'm talking about. Consider yourselves teased!
And I know I'm starting to repeat myself, but sorry for the relative lack of activity around here these days. The Google Analytics shows that we've lost a few readers recently and frankly I don't blame them. But thanks to those of you who continue to patiently check back on a regular basis. I promise we'll get a little more activity going and make it worth your while (non-sexually) to have stuck around relatively soon.
Is everyone familiar with the time-passing game "marry/fuck/kill?" Basically, it's an excuse to argue with your friends about various members of the opposite sex. Someone throws out three names (celebrity or mutual friends, attractive or not), and you have to choose one to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill. It can provide hours of entertainment on road trips or while waiting in line for shit. And every once in a while, one of your friends will make a stunning admission that completely rocks the foundation of everything you thought you knew about him or her and can then be used to mock them for weeks and months to come. (Seriously, Chris Hart? You'd marry Rosie O'Donnell, fuck Oprah, and kill Roseanne? OK, Mr. Crazypants. Go ahead and ruin your life. It's your choice.)
Anyone who has played it can vouch for the fact that it's a lot of fun. So I thought for Reader Extra Participation Friday, we should do a spin-off on that game. It's called "bad/worse/worst." I know it sounds complicated but stick with me. I'll throw out a few trios of names from the sports media world. You pick any of them and let me know which person you think is bad, which one is worse, and which one is the worst and why. Choose carefully or you could be mocked relentlessly by the other seven readers of the blog. I won't offer my opinions on these examples yet, although I wish I could be by a computer during the day tomorrow to argue about them with whoever stops by and decides to chime in. I guess I'll check back in when I get home from work and throw my hat in the ring.
Jay Mariotti/Bill Simmons/Jemele Hill
Stuart Scott/Linda Cohn/John Kruk
Tim McCarver/Dick Vitale/Joe Morgan
Sean Salisbury/Steve Phillips/Emmit Smith
Or hey, if you get bored with this whole bad/worse/worst thing, just play marry/fuck/kill with them. Whatever floats your boat.
This is going to be so meta- let's review comments from Friday's post. If you don't like how I address your concerns, feel free to kiss my pasty white ass. And what I said on Friday about this not leading to any improvements for the blog still holds true. I just wanted a chance to make some cheap jokes.
Archie says-
You know what I hate? I hate all the fucking applications. What was wrong with the site when it was a simple, user-friendly tool for social networking? Nowadays, I can't read a single post without being barraged with asinine games and personality quizzes.
Those applications are the only way we make money off this thing, which, of course, is our ultimate goal. You'd be surprised at how many people are playing the Gene Wojceichowski Zombie Hunt you reference. If you're only in it for the networking, that's fine, but you're not exactly helping us make it big.
Only semi-legit complaint I've got is that I'd love to know who "won" last week's reader participation.
Forgot to do that on Monday. I'll announce it at the end of this post, along with this week's winner. Hint: it's not you. Or is it?
Seriously, this is a great site. If you really want me to roast you guys, I guess I can do it,
Wow. Talk about picking on the low hanging fruit.
Jones points out-
Well... [guy from that other site] is Mose Schrute, and you're not.
PNoles already made a similar joke, but how do you know we're not cast members of a different TV show? What if I told you I was (deep, throaty FOX promotional guy voice) Hooouuuuuuse?
CS chimes in-
And on that note, this blog needs more professional television writers.
It would be great if we could pull off having jobs like that, but, you know... the whole parents' basement thing.
Matt has a legitimate complaint-
I hate the way your telemarketers call me at dinner time like 3x a week to try to upsell me on additional services. I'm already a satisfied customer of your blog, so: what the fuck? I signed up for that "do not call" list, but apparently there's a massive loophole where there's no limit to how much a company I already to business with is allowed to harrass the shit out of me.
Through some clever legal maneuvering, we've managed to classify ourselves as a non-profit organization which exempts us from most "do not call" rules. Deal with it. You can stop the pain anytime you want by just giving in and signing up for our premium service plan.
SLWG addresses a very important issue-
Well, this is a pretty enjoyable site and I'm not the kind of person who looks for things to criticize, so I wouldn't want to nit pick about anything, except, well, there is this one thing that, I have to admit, really can get a little annoying, in fact, it can get pretty damn annoying. I wonder why you have to keep bringing up, over and over and over, this whole thing about "scrappy, gritty little white guys". I don't see anything wrong with a little appreciation of scrappy, gritty little white guys. What's your problem with that? Huh? It just so happens that I AM a scrappy little white guy who aspires to someday also be gritty, and frankly, if your eyes weren't permanently damaged by living in a dark basement, you'd see that the world would be a LOT better off if there were more SGLWGs around. I just so happen to think that I'm ONE EFFING IMPRESSIVE HUMAN BEING, and if you and your pathetic little friends can't see that, then screw all of you! GOT IT????
Let me tell you a story. By the time I reached the 1st grade, I stood a massive (for my age) 4'7" and weighed 92 pounds. This made me the largest kid in my class and a multi-sport superstar. It didn't matter what we were playing- kickball, tee-ball, 500, wallball, capture the flag- I was unstoppable. Nothing bugged me like small, gritty, gutty white kids. Quit trying to compensate for your lack of size and athletic ability by hustling and scrapping. I'm just better than you! Then something horrible happened. I stopped growing. Today I'm still 4'7" and 92 lbs. So what I'm trying to say is that our handling of small, gritty, gutty white guys on this blog is an issue of self-loathing. I'm working on it with my online therapist.
Jeff lightens the tone-
The worst part of this blog is....well....since Larry got his "shift" key fixed, I have no complaints.
It was a major step but I'm glad I did it. Those pretentious fuckjobs over at Dodger Thoughts, who mocked me for not using it after we got linked there back in September, helped convince me that the change had to be made.
The best part of this blog is the pictures and all the residual Firejay groupies who show up at my site. Hello there.
Easy, dude. That's my sister.
Chris Hart has a laundry list of complaints, most of which just amount to "I'm a crybaby bitch," so let's take them one at a time-
First of all, your posts are too long. I don't have all day to sit around and read your witty jokes about Dusty Baker or Boston area sports teams. Some of us have real jobs. You know, jobs that don't involve asking if customers want paper or plastic.
What are you, fucking nuts? How many times do we have to tell you what part of our parents' houses we live in and how we feel about leaving it? And furthermore, even if we did get real jobs, we definitely wouldn't get ones that involve interacting with customers face to face. I'd rather be the mop-up man at an XXX-rated movie theater than bag groceries. Speaking of that, and your "real" job, did you get that promotion to assistant shift manager you've been talking about?
Hey, rest of the Fire Jay Mariotti crew, you guys wanna man up a little? I can only stomach so much of LarryB's shitty, bumbling prose.
Not disagreement here. Even I can only stand so much of me.
When was the last time Eriz posted?
Shortly before he bought a Wii.
Or dan-bob?
Well, last week. But the last time he posted frequently was last October, so here's hoping the return of baseball season brings him back into the fold.
And while I'm at it: pnoles- lighten up a little bit
He's actually pretty laid back in person. He just likes using capital letters when he's on teh blogopages.
chrisw - nobody cares that you're from chicago
He's from Wisconsin.
and Jarrett- hockey is dead, give up.
Be careful- as soon as you say something like that, boom- Jarrett punches you in the back of the head, knocking you to the ice unconscious and damaging your spinal column. Oh wait, that's Todd Bertuzzi. (Too soon?)
What else do I hate about this site that nobody forces me to read? Oh yeah. Tons! Stop hating on Bill Simmons because he has the job you so desperately wish you all had.
I think you know full well that's not why we hate. No, rather, we make fun of Bill specifically to antagonize you. you're a stupid emtpyheaded sheep who pretends like he enjoys whatever shitpile of an article Simmons writes and makes excuses for him like "Hey, it's a tough job, let's see you do better!" or "But you have to agree with him, the refs really were biased against the Patriots!" In short: shut up. It's idiots like you that keep Simmons's career afloat when it should have capsized two years ago.
Stop acting like you're the cats meow because you read Moneyball and can look up stats on baseball-reference.
I actually haven't read Moneyball, but I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done beating Mortal Kombat II for the fourteenth time this month. And yes, looking up stats on baseball-reference does make me feel like the cock of the walk.
I also hate your new site format. Why'd you change color schemes? Decided that Douche-Orange would fit your personality better?
I'm going to pin that one on Dan-Bob, who all but insisted I get rid of the green back in October. Since then? More readers, more links, and more endorsements. So I think it's working out alright for us. If you really hate douche-orange, head over to Two Guys Who Like, Never Agree and let them know how you feel about it. I'm sure you'll enjoy getting posterized by them just as much as you're loving this.
Also, your mascot Jeff Pearlman, is racist and hates the great state of South Carolina.
He's not a "mascot." (What does that even mean in the context of a blog?) I'd say he's more like a punching bag, or a crazy old uncle who's always saying things that are glaringly wrong.
Which means you hate it too.
Maybe. But I do like NASCAR, so that should balance things out a bit.
God damn it, I hate you guys so much.
We love you!
BenGoodFella confirms to everyone that Chris Hart is a big time jackass-
If they ever stopped mocking Simmons I would copy and paste any reaction I had to Simmons in the comments box and let everyone have to sift through it to read the other comments. I live for Simmons bashing.
Welcome to my world. And on a related note, Ben has a blog now. (As does Archie for that matter.) I'll link both of them in a later post. We're all one big happy family of basement dwelling losers.
My only complaint is that I don't like hockey, so I drudge through those posts. I stop at the curse words and chuckle though.
If Jarrett is good at one thing, it's cursing.
I am sure I talk about shit no one else cares about (see above), so it is no big deal.
Are you still typing? Who are you again?
Blanco raises an important concern-
The one thing I hate about this site is when Larry B starts a post that starts something like "It's late, I'm fucking beat" cause it means his mommy is making him go to bed or simmons wrote an article about a funeral so you can't make fun of it and instead now I gotta do some shit instead of blowing off work.
You bait that line and I'll bite it. Haven't read that Simmons piece but I'll take a look later tonight and see if it's parseable. Ben seems to think it is. As for the part where you criticize my complaining about it being late and me being tired: being a sports blogger is tough, man. You don't understand how draining it can be. Eventually the night reaches a point where if I'm going to address an article, it's going to keep me up too late for me to be able to wake up and catch "The Price Is Right" in the morning. And if I can't watch "The Price Is Right," why even bother getting out of bed? I hope that helps you understand why I've been slacking lately.
Anonymous has a very valid point-
the worst part of this blog is how racist you all are.
HOW CAN YOU HATE JEMELE HILL AND STEVEN A. SMITH - THEY ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT. ESPECIALLY STEVEN A. HE IS IMPORTANT. EVERYTHING HE SAYS CARRIES IMMENSE WEIGHT, THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE SHINGLES FROM ALL THE SPHINCTER-CLENCHING GOING ON OVER AT THE 4-LETTER NETWORK.
Thank you so much for that. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think shingles are caused by sphincter clenching. Were it not for that gaffe I'd be awarding you this week's Top Comment prize. Come back next week and try your luck again.
also larry b needs to stop using goddamn capital letters. giving in to peer pressure, larry? saaaaaaaad.
See? When it comes to pleasing the audience of a small, irrelevant blog, you just can't win. Some people want capital letters, some don't. Some people want more Simmons bashing, some want less. And some people think Rachel Nichols is hot, while others like to be able to see a woman's entire face without her nose blocking out the rest of the features.
Chris W responds to the title of the post-
Oh knock it off [LarryB] you're the fattest one in the car!
You don't have to tell it like it is, Chris!
Another Anonymous has a request-
You guys don't use the "doyennes of dirt" label enough.
Noted.
Ed Hardiman has a theory re: the whole "Fire ____ _____" naming scheme.
Are you sure they didn't steal the title of your blog using precognition...or maybe they used a time machine to go into the future, steal your blog title and then returned to the past, that works too...
I don't care what the critics said or what the box office numbers were. That movie was fucking awful.
Thanks again to everyone for submitting. If the comments continue at this same furious pace every time I ask for feedback about the blog, maybe we can make this kind of response piece a regular feature. Who knows. I feel bad because writing this means I have less time later to write something that's actually about bad sportswriting. But I'll get over it.
As for those winners I promised to name- for this week, even though he's a monumental dickbag, let's go ahead and acknowledge the effort Chris Hart put into his comment. Cherish it, asshole. You won't be back on top again anytime soon.
Last week... man, that was a long time ago... but fuck it, I'll just hand it to Archie for his five paragraph manifesto as to why he'd rather play sports with the natives than have a TV. Did I pick him because he agreed with my personal stance on the issue? Although he makes a compelling case, no. The real reason I picked him was for this:
(from my original post): In the meantime, let's all compete for an imaginary junk food prize and a meaningless title which is awarded completely arbitrarily after being judged by a panel of one.
Archie: Eh, still means more than the Gold Glove.
Take it to the bank. This is your moment in the sun, Archie. Feel free to leave a rambling 1500 word comment with several nearly indecipherable references.
It's late, I'm fucking beat, and I'm in the mood to get made fun of. So let's open up the floor for negative comments. That's right- I want you to let loose and tell me what the absolutely worst part of this blog is. Or the worst five parts. Whatever tickles you. Keep in mind, however, that your criticisms will almost definitely not lead to any improvements around here. This isn't a restaurant comment card where if you put like "why do u carry coke products they stink, get pepsi products they r better" the place will immediately start carrying Pepsi because they're terrified of losing your business. It's really just more of a chance for you to vent. So... tell it like it is. Come on. My life already stinks, it's not like your harsh words will make it any worse.
I'm going to go ahead and take the easiest one right out of the gate- we stole our name, format, and style from another blog. I hadn't realized this until a couple of very keen-eyed commenters last fall pointed it out. But son of a bitch, I went and checked out their site, and it's true! Oops. Our bad. So that's definitely shitty. What else ya got?
I'm working on a post that's actually long enough to make you scroll down your screen in order to read the whole thing, but rather than rushing through it to finish tonight (it's a big day at the hot air balloon tour ranch tomorrow so I'm getting up extra early), I decided to hold off until Saturday just to make sure I do a decent job on it. You know why? Because I care about you people, that's why. You're special to me. I don't want to give you a big post of half-baked dick jokes and capitalized expressions of exasperation. Fuck that. You readers are big deal to me. I want to impress you. Does my hair look good? Be honest, but tell me you like it. I got it buzzed this way with you guys in mind. And I lost weight too, can't you tell? Please notice my effort. I even put on makeup and high heels for you.
What?
Long story short, substantial post to arrive on Saturday. In the meantime, let's all compete for an imaginary junk food prize and a meaningless title which is awarded completely arbitrarily after being judged by a panel of one. This week's topic: you're stranded on a tropical island with no rescue coming. Would you rather:
1) Have an unlimited number of friendly natives around to play sports with? Or
2) Have a TV that gets every live sporting event (even those on MLB Extra Innings, NBA TV, NFL Sunday Ticket, etc.) plus all the sports analysis channels (We're talking all the ESPNs, FSNs, NFL Network, etc.)?
Keep in mind the following limitations for situation 1- Equipment and facilities will be extremely crude at best. We're talking nothing but tropical plants with which to make things. The natives will take a long time to learn any sport you try to teach them if they can even learn them at all. Good bet- football. Bad bet- baseball. If you injure yourself there's no doctor around to help you heal. Tore up your knee? Well, I guess that's the end of your sports playin' days. Hope you taught the natives enough to be entertained by watching them. And finally, the natives will not let you into their society or associate with you in any way except to play sports.
Also keep in mind the shortcomings of situation 2- You will be totally and completely alone. You may never see another human again, unless they're swimming to shore to be stranded with you, in which case you should probably just kill them in their sleep and eat them. You will have no methods with which to interact with people about the sports you watch. No internet. It's a one way conduit of information. And you won't be able to fix your TV if something happens to it. Especially something hilarious like a coconut falling on it.
Your responses might indicate otherwise, but I honestly feel like it's a tough call. Option 2 is pretty straightforward, it's more or less how most of us sports fans live now minus a few distractions like career, family, and model railroads. Comparing it against option 1, which is so hard to imagine, is the hard part. If you go with option 1 you'll effectively live in a time capsule until and if you're rescued. That would be fucked up to say the least. And you'll be bored whenever you're not playing, which would be a lot of the time. But then again how badass would it be to wake up under a palm tree and know that although you've basically lost everything you cared about in life, you can still go out that day and quarterback your team to an island championship? Or go dunk a coconut off some guy's face on an 8 foot rim? (No one said you couldn't distort the rules a little.) Or if you're patient enough to teach them baseball, hit a walk-off home run?
In the end I think I'm going to choose option 1. Although I haven't left this basement for any reason in almost ten months, played a pick-up sport in over six years, or played an organized team sport since I was six, I seem to remember sports being really fun. I think being able to actively participate in them would trump being able to watch "Rome Is Burning" and "Skip Bayless's Magical Happy Funtime Half Hour" every day. It would be nice to be able to catch all my favorite teams' games, but who would I bitch at after they screwed up? Without being able to do that watching sports becomes less enjoyable for me.
Your thoughts? Even if you have no analysis, feel free to post an unexplained vote for one or the other. We need to have popular opinion answers to questions like these. SportsNation is counting on us.
This week's prize: Freeze Pops! Three of them! Purple, orange, and blue! Sorry, I already ate red.
Lately there's been, well, not much participation in Reader Extra Participation Fridays. Part of me wants to attribute this to the fact that we only have nine readers. But a small sliver of brain keeps insisting it's because I choose topics that are too complex and don't lend themselves easily enough to comedy. So let's ignore bad journalism for this week's installment and just talk about something everyone has an opinion about: What are the best and worst professional sports ever created? We'll keep a broad definition of "professional sport"- anything people do for recreation that requires them to move and is televised. So after some careful consideration, let me make my personal nominations:
Best- Bowling, because any fat pasty guy/blogger could conceivably practice enough to go pro in it.
Worst- Baseball, because it's impossible to play in a basement. Fucking sun.
Don't think you have to try to be clever or anything. This is an environment of welcoming. If you just want to straight up say that football is awesome and womens' basketball is a joke, nobody's stopping you. I'm changing the format of this in hopes that more than three people will throw their hats in the ring. Go on, make me look like a desperate, pandering genius.
And also raise your hand if you're not a Hannah Montana fan.
Got you good, asshole. Now you're either a fan of bad sportswriting, or a fan of music aimed at pre-teen girls (and a potential pederast). OK, put your hands down. Enough "yolking" around! Since it's Articles That Didn't Need To Be Written Week here at FireJay, let's just get to the articles that didn't need to be written. Actually, first let's crown a winner from last week's Reader Extra Participation Friday. I'm handing the title to Jeff for pointing out this very relevant fact:
Mark Price has the best career free throw percentage in NBA history, edging out Rick Barry.
But Barry could argue that Price had the luxury of playing his prime years against a more diluted league because of the late 1980's expansion.
That's worth one box of Cheese Nips. Congratulations. It didn't jive perfectly with the topic I assigned, but it's pretty funny anyways. And only two people responded so I didn't have a lot of material to work with. Sorry Jim, better luck next week.
So anyways, let's move on to some absolutely groundbreaking material produced by some of America's finest sportswriterjournalists. These guys really put the "expos(e)" in expository. Foxsports.com's Jeff Goodman wants you to know that there are other good NCAA basketball teams out there besides Tennessee. They tend to fly under the radar a little bit, but if you really job your memory you may realize you've heard about some of these other contenders before. Like, perhaps dozens of fucking times since November.
Tennessee is deep, athletic and talented. The Vols play hard and have proven they can get out on the road and win in hostile environments. They've now proven it at Xavier, in Seattle against Gonzaga and in the most hostile environment that anyone will face this season — in Memphis.
All true. The Red Sox were also very good in 2007, and I hear the Giants' defensive line played well in the Super Bowl.
However, it's not as if it's Tennessee and everyone else.
What? No fucking way. You might as well tell me that babies don't actually get delivered by a stork, or that cigarettes don't cure lung cancer.
North Carolina also has two setbacks — and one of them came without its starting point guard, Ty Lawson. The Tar Heels may not be as deep as a year ago, but Roy Williams still has more than enough firepower — when Lawson is healthy — to play with anyone in the country.
Baloney. Since when has Williams shown he can win in March and April? And since when were they any good this year? Oh, that's right, they have one of the most hyped (notice I didn't say overhyped, but he's still annoyingly regular-hyped) players in the country. He's a big white guy who looks like he should be playing the jocky villain in a teen romantic comedy. Forgot his name though.
UCLA has had a trio of slip-ups, with the most recent one coming at Washington — the ninth-place team in the Pac-10. The Bruins have battled their share of injuries as well — their own starting floor leader, Darren Collison, missed the first six games, Mike Roll has been out for nearly the entire season and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute hasn't been 100 percent in months.
Never heard of them. Call me when you reach back-to-back Final Fours.
Kansas lost at Oklahoma State on Saturday night, but the Jayhawks may have as much talent among their first seven players as anyone in the nation — and what was once regarded as a weakness in the middle, has become a strength with the emergence of Darnell Jackson.
If they don't still have Raef LaFrentz, I'm not interested. Aren't they a football school now anyways?
Duke had a brutal two-game stretch recently, but the Blue Devils are certainly capable of making a legitimate Final Four run. They defend, can shoot and are obviously well-coached.
Insert "Coach K looks like a rat" joke here. That's all I got.
Don't discount Memphis from the equation, either.
Really? They just lost a game in the final minute to another really good team in February. I thought that meant they were ineligible to participate in the tournament.
Even after a disappointing performance Saturday, John Calipari's club still has the toughness, experience and talent to advance to San Antonio.
Not a chance. No way. I'll give them that first round win over DeVry A&M, but I refuse to pick them against the winner of the 8/9 or 7/10 game in their bracket. Give me Marquette and the under. As you can see, this article absolutely didn't need to be written. I don't have a ton of time, but let's just belabor that point with one more little example. CBSSportsline's Mike Freeman wants you to know that not all NCAA athletes are law abiding citizens. Re: The Tennessee Volunteers:
On Jan 11, 2008: Police cite freshman wide receivers Gerald Jones and Ahmad Paige for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop near campus while the two hosted a recruit from Oklahoma on his official visit, the newspaper reported. Freshman offensive lineman William Brimfield, who was with Paige and Jones at the time, was not charged by police but was disciplined by Fulmer.
On Jan. 21: Campus police arrest freshman tailback Daryl Vereen for public intoxication and underage consumption after responding to a call of a fight in progress outside an on-campus residence hall.
On Jan. 26: Police arrest All-SEC lineman Anthony Parker for disorderly conduct at an off-campus apartment complex, the paper says. Public intoxication, drunkenness, and fights seem to be a main theme when it comes to rules breakers in the Tennessee program. If only the Volunteers had that kind of fight in them when they played Florida.
Feb. 2: A walk-on defensive back, Vince Faison, was arrested for DUI after police found Faison passed out behind the wheel of his truck in the parking lot of an on-campus fast-food restaurant with the engine running, the paper wrote, and his foot on the brake pedal with the vehicle in gear. Well, hell, who hasn't passed out after gorging on too many burgers and fries? So judgmental, you people.
Feb. 13: Fulmer dismisses two players, the paper reports, for an undisclosed violation of team rules. Both players were arrested within the past 18 months. I can't imagine what it takes for Fulmer to toss someone off the team. A meeting with the Taliban? Eating someone's liver with fava beans?
Feb. 17: Police arrest the Vols' punter for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident after he allegedly struck a parked car causing more than $400 in damage. The punter allegedly bolted from the accident. Who says punters aren't real athletes? Probably ran so fast the police put out an APB for Deion Sanders. The punter's case is an interesting one. It wasn't the first time he found himself in trouble, or even the second. Or the third. This could be his fifth alcohol-related offense, according to the Knoxville paper. That's where you just wonder what the hell Fulmer is thinking.
1. I have no idea why he's picking on UT specifically. I don't really care that he is, because I don't give a shit about them, but it seems strange. Any number of schools have the exact same problem.
2. Anyone who isn't aware of this kind of thing already is not the kind of person who is going to come to CBSSportsline and read this article. So, thank you for telling a bunch of people who are already sports fans something that every sports fan knows.
3. What the hell Fulmer is thinking is that he gets paid to win, not to run a program with no criminal incidents. I think that aspect of big money college sports is pretty well documented.
Again, the transgressions listed are all solely from this year. Fulmer's track record in this area is extensive. He leaves a trail of player arrests, DUIs and serious crimes in his ample wake yet suffers no significant penalty for running the 21st-century version of The Mean Machine. And the NCAA sits on its hands and monitors telephone calls. It's ironic that Fulmer would be in greater trouble with the NCAA if he made illegal contact with a recruit than when one of his players allegedly hits a car and runs from the crime like a gutless turd.
Every turd is by definition made out of guts, so that insult doesn't work. And do you want to know why the NCAA seems to care more about recruiting violations than delinquent programs? Because when schools cheat, no one else besides their governing body is going to penalize them for it. On the other hand, when kids get in trouble, schools are supposed to adequately police themselves. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Usually they fall somewhere inbetween. But at least they almost always put up the appearance of trying to fix the problem. When Kelvin Sampson committed his violations, there was no way Indiana itself was going to do a damn thing about the issue. Like so many others, this article did not need to be written.
Tomorrow: Baseball has a steroid problem! Tom Brady is dating that ugly-faced supermodel! And the NBA's Western Conference is probably much stronger than its Eastern Conference!
Wow. Just, wow. This article is 100% worthy of being wholly and completely dissected by one of us here at FireJay. But it's time for Reader Extra Participation Friday, and I need to go to bed soon, so I'm going to bring it up in an abbreviated format right now. If I can find a little time this weekend in between all the basement dwelling and sun avoiding I've already got on my schedule, I'll break down the whole thing.
You may have heard recently that a bunch of ultra-nerdy Penn researchers (who are probably even more terrified of fresh air and weather than I am) concluded Derek Jeter was the worst fielding shortstop in the bigs last year. Kevin Kernan of the New York Post investigated the reactions of a guy in the Yankee front office and Jeter himself to this news. As I've said, the whole article is hilarious. But my favorite part is one particular excuse both gentlemen make in order to deflect attention away from Mr. Steely Eyes. I'll grant that fielding statistics and metrics are a somewhat inexact science... but really? This is your rebuttal?
Jeter just didn't laugh this one off. He defended himself, saying, "Every (shortstop) doesn't stay in the same spot, everyone doesn't have the same pitching."
and
"Something like that is a disgrace," the scout [Gene Michael] said. "It made me ill when I read that article. First of all, what pitching staff was out there? Each team has a different staff. Derek doesn't really have a sinkerball pitching staff whereas other shortstops, you sit behind certain pitchers, you're going to get a lot of ground balls."
Words cannot explain how ridiculous that line of logic is. I'm literally at a loss. So let's just move on to the Reader Extra Participation Friday topic it has inspired: make an equally outrageous excuse as to why we can't determine who/what is the best or worst at something in the world.
Fastest skater in the NHL: Ice isn't exact same temperature at every arena
Most patient hitter in MLB: Sometimes umpires accidentally forget count, allow pitcher to throw five balls before awarding walk
Best pole vaulter in the world: Not all competitors wearing equally short shorts
World's richest man: Fails to consider that certain people are rich in spirit
World's tallest mountain: Really cold at the top of all of them so who cares
Top selling album of all time: Oh come on, Thriller was way better than anything the Eagles ever did
Seriously... it's the pitching staff's fault?
This isn't a direct quote but I've got the gist of it right. Earlier today on 1st and 10, Dana "I'm So Wasted" Jacobsen helped viewers understand one of the finer points of Roger Clemens's testimony from the previous day's congressional hearing.
"Clemens at one point claimed that his friend Andy Pettitte had 'misremembered' certain discussions the two of them had participated in years ago. We know some of you out there around the water cooler at work are wondering about that word. It turns out that it is indeed in the dictionary; it means to remember something incorrectly."
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So THAT'S what it means. There's no way I could have possibly figured that out from context. Or from similar sounding words like "misunderstood," "misheard," "misspoke," "mistake," or any of the dozens of other words with "mis-" as a prefix. Thanks, Dana, for filling us in.
For Reader Extra Participation Friday, feel free to define any sports-related word/term in a way that comes off as insulting to anyone who's gotten past the 6th grade. For example:
Bounce pass- A real basketball term. It describes the act of sending the ball to a teammate ("passing" it) by bouncing it off the court and towards him or her.
Block- Shockingly, this is something that happens during a football game. Offensive players try to get in the way of defensive players, to "block" them from getting to various places on the field. They push or grab the defenders in order to do so.
Steal- One of baseball's more obscure acts. A player already on base attempts to move to the next base while the pitcher is throwing to the batter. If he is successful, it's kind of like he "stole" the base, because no one else on the offense did anything to help him get there!
Wrister- It doesn't get much weirder than this. It's actually a slang term for a type of hockey shot, executed mostly by flicking one's wrists in order to shoot the puck towards the opposing team's goal. Since you use your "wrists" to do it.... yeah, I know. It's messed up.
I know this is kind of weird, but it's the best I could come up with this week. Consider it a challenge. I'll be back next week with something easier, like coming up with adjectives that describe the quality of journalism Woody Paige usually creates.
Charley Rosen writes about the NBA for Foxsports.com. He's usually pretty informative and entertaining. I often find myself enjoying his work. His analysis of the recent Miami-Phoenix trade, however, is titled in a fashion that should come off as insulting to anyone who knows how basketball is played and who this "Shaquille O'Neal" fellow is.
Shaq will force Suns to alter run-and-gun style
Really? You think? Subtracting Shawn Marion, and replacing him with a 450 pound center in his mid 30s who runs like he's wearing ski boots, is going to hurt their fast break? Pssssh. Now I've heard everything. Next, you'll be trying to con me into thinking that:
-Adding Santana strengthens Mets' rotation
-Tomlinson disappointed he was unable to play in AFC Championship game
-Crosby's injury will cause problems for Penguins
-Yao enhances Rockets' ability to market themselves in China
-Dropping bid for Republican nomination hurts Romney's chances of becoming president
-Ledger's death mourned by females aged 13 to 60
-TV writers' strike prevents sitcoms from being filmed
-Lil' Wayne releases album focused on drugs, sex, occasional gun violence
-Bloggers live in basements, fear sun
And so on and so forth. Anyone else have any breaking news they'd like to share with the group? I don't think I took too many of the obvious ones.
This week's prize is an unopened Slim Jim. I've got too damn many of these things down here to eat by myself. They really make you thirsty, especially if you try to wash them down with Cheez-Wiz.
Before I get going with my actual post for the night, I just realized I didn't award a winner for last Friday's Reader Extra Participation Friday post from Friday. Friday Friday Friday. Anyways, I liked everyone's submissions (especially Jeff's references from Independence Day, which really took me on a trip down memory lane). But in the end only one person can win. So I'm going to declare this a tie between two people. Andrew and BenGoodfella teamed up to produce this dynamic 1-2 punch:
A- "Does it get any better than the middle third of the Lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me? You have the very hot Kaley Cuoco trying to reinvent herself as a dramatic actress after 8 Simples Rules..., loads of unintentional AND intentional comedy in re: the fat suit, plus you get Caroline Rhea as (you guessed it!) the fat, near suicidal enabling mom. You know eventually she's going to get found out by her new fat friends as a fake fatty, but...you...just...cannot...turn your eyes away from the screen. It's the Karate Kid of movies for kids with eating disorders!"
B- "I think the best part of "Fat Like Me" is when at the end she rips off her fat suit at the party and everyone is shocked that is she is not really fat. That moment gave me chills...mostly because I realized I had watched the entire movie at that point."
Well played, both of you. I definitely need to see that movie so in ten years when I take over Simmons's post at ESPN.com, I can reference it in one of my hundreds of lame articles about Denver sports teams. You two can either share or fight over the prize, which is a box of stale Froot Loops. Thanks again to everyone who commented- only 60 or so hours until you have to begrudgingly humor me with another submission.
First, a side note. You know how "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," despite being obviously comedic in nature, are actually two of the best political/current events shows on TV? Well, I've accidentally (read: I am too lazy to find anything else) watched a fair amount of Winter X Games over the course of the past few days. And I'm seeing the exact same kind of "You wouldn't think they'd be this legitimately good!" phenomenon happening when it comes to broadcasting ability. Despite the fact that I really could give two shits about these events, I've noticed that the announcers have been superb throughout. They're informative, they're just funny enough, and they don't get in the way of each other or the visuals. Why can't we have that kind of announcing for, you know, the sports everyone actually cares about? I'm sitting here being entertained by Guy A and Guy B while watching dudes jump snowmobiles off enormous ramps. But when the World Series or the Super Bowl rolls around, you've got Tim McCarver and Phil Simms bending over backwards to find ways to ruin the broadcast. It ain't right, I tell ya.
SO ANYWAYS.
In this crazy mixed-up world there's one constant we can always rely on: if a movie was made between 1980 and 1994, Bill Simmons is going to love it.
Does it get any better than the first 30 minutes of "Sleeping With The Enemy?" You have Julia Roberts at her apex, living in one of the coolest summer houses in movie history, only she's married to a creepy rich guy with a mustache and severe OCD who puts on a sinister opera CD every time he's ready to have sex; says things like, "If I didn't know any better, I would think you're trying to provoke a quarrel with me"; gets upset if the bathroom towels aren't hanging at the same length; takes her sailing on stormy nights when she can't swim; and if that's not enough, regularly beats the crap out of her. What a great premise for a movie!
If you've seen this movie and actually agree with Bill, feel free to let me know with a comment. I won't be holding my breath. And if you're lucky enough to have not seen this movie, don't. I'm not going to say why or under what circumstances, but I've sat through it, and it's a piece of garbage. Especially the first 30 minutes. If Bill's gripping description right there doesn't convince you, watch the first two and a half minutes of this video. Really? Boy, I don't know- does it seem like anything could get any better than that? A tall order, but I've got some nominations. How about Vertical Limit? That movie eats balls, and I'd still rather watch it again over Sleeping With the Enemy. Take a look at Sleeping- you've got a 35 year old antagonist wearing an 80 year old's pants and a mustache that's probably attached with a piece of double sided tape. You've also got gripping dialog such as "We all forget things. That's what reminding is for." And you've got Julia Roberts stepping way outside her comfort zone to play a character who is simultaneously both tough and womanly. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It's corny, it's poorly written, and it couldn't be much less interesting.
Anyways, I'm rambling, because I love rambling about things that suck. (Why else would this blog exist?) So here's the Reader Extra Participation Friday assignment. Take your pick- either
a) List any shitty movie you can think of that is better than the first 30 minutes of Sleeping With the Enemy. I'm going with
-Vertical Limit
-Mission Impossible 2
-Spiderman 3
-Troy
-Vertical Limit
-The Wicker Man
-Batman and Robin
And so on and so forth. Or,
b) Come up with something else that's completely unremarkable and rhetorically ask if it gets any better than that. Such as
-Raisins
-"The Family Circus"
-Paperclips
-Shovels
-Lenny Kravitz
-Water
-Knock-knock jokes
OK, you've got options. Everyone jump right in. Don't be shy. Blanco was last week's winner, and JD took home the trophy* two weeks ago. Who else wants their 15 minutes of fame?
*Note- trophy may not actually exist.
Who will dethrone JD after his win last week? If he wins again, does that make him a dynasty? (USC fans would definitely think so, even if he finishes second. OH! PWNED!!!1111!11) Will he remember to show up to defend his title? Come on now, everyone join in.
Jerry Crasnick serves as our template this week, as he writes about some MLB free agents who have yet to find a team to play for in 2008.
[Sean] Casey's lack of power clearly works against him. He's posted slugging percentages of .433, .388 and .393 in his past three stops. But he knows how to work a count, and he has a higher career batting average than Lance Berkman and Bobby Abreu. And when Sports Illustrated surveys 464 players and they overwhelmingly anoint you the "friendliest player in the game,'' that's worth a few bonus points, right?
I actually don't mind Crasnick most of the time. As long as he's not writing about players who hustle and "play the game the way it was meant to be played," he's tolerable. This isn't even a flagrantly bad passage; first, it's partially tongue-in-cheek, and second, clubhouse chemistry actually does matter a little. But I still think this makes for a good Reader Extra Participation Friday topic. What other traits can you assign to a struggling player that have little or nothing to do with their ability to play a sport well in an effort to make them sound more desirable? As always, please use Jerry's voice.
"Maybe Joey Harrington just blew his last chance at starting in the NFL by preforming poorly for Atlanta this past season. It's a real shame teams are hung up on his disastrous stats- they seem to forget that the guy knows how to do that thing where you raise only one eyebrow really high."
"After he screwed the pooch during the '06 Olympics, everyone was talking about how Bode Miller was washed up. But his recent return to the winner's circle is no surprise to me. It was pretty much inevitable, given how much he enjoys getting high and going to zoos."
"Sad to hear that no one wants to give former Diamondbacks and Braves pitcher Russ Ortiz a shot during spring training this year. Have you ever seen the guy water ski? He's a maniac out there."
"It's fair to say that former NBA center Oliver Miller has struggled with his weight. But should his career really be over already? Any playoff contender looking for big man help off the bench should give him a call. He's a huge Nickleback fan."
"Sure, Rae Carruth is in jail for conspiracy to commit murder. But if he somehow is paroled or escapes, teams should think about giving him a tryout. The guy can burp and fart on command."
Those five examples took me three and a half hours to develop. I'm sure you can all do better.
First, let me quickly declare Reader Extra Participation Fridays a huge success. Thanks a lot to everyone who participated! I'm declaring JD this week's winner (yes, it's a contest now, because I just decided it should be) for this:
"On 4th and 31 from the Jersey/A 44-yard line with 12:31 to go in the second quarter, down 14-7, Dallas decided to punt. I then proceeded to pick up my pink fountain pen and write 'Game Over, I love the taste of my own ball hair,' into my Care Bears notebook. How can you punt in your opponents territory down by a touchdown this late in the game!?!? The football gods then spoke these words to me: 'I shall punish these dim-witted fools that call themselves professionals!"
Honorable mention to Shimmering for this, which wasn't quite what I asked for but was pretty awesome anyways:
"Stat of the Week No. 2: Since I began writing this column for ESPN, thirteen people have taken a toaster-bath as a direct result."
And similar thanks to Richard for the haiku. Very tasteful. Anyways, all this Simmons stuff is getting repetitive, I know. But reader Daniil tipped me off about something that I definitely have to post. In his words:
"I don’t know whether you guys read sportspickle.com or even know about it and I don’t know if you caught this from his handicapper column. Did DJ Gallo just compare Philip Rivers to his coworker Bill Simmons??? I know I’m reaching, but that would be fucking great if Bill got offended by this and started spewing and they insulted each other in their articles on ESPN. My respect for DJ Gallo would grow greatly if he did this intentionally."
Well, let's take a look at the passage in question.
Here is San Diego’s one chance of winning: if Bill Belichick trades Tom Brady for Philip Rivers before kickoff. And don’t laugh – “Um, I never have on this site, so why would I start now?” – it could happen. I think Bill Belichick secretly wishes Philip Rivers was his quarterback. Rivers just has that certain Boston sports “je ne c'est douche” that would make him a more fitting figurehead for the city’s best team. I mean, sure, Tom Brady can be a total cockhead when he wants to, but Philip Rivers exudes Boston douche. He is Boston douche. If Red Sox Nation beats with one heart, that heart is inside the body of Philip Rivers. Rivers’ bio says he was born in Alabama, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all to learn that he grew up outside of Boston. Or that he went to a prep school and then on to some overrated New England private college. Then, no doubt, he spent a few years living off of his daddy’s trust fund money, dabbled a bit in date rape and bartending, and then settled down with some pink-hat skank because he thought he got her pregnant. Yes, it’s clear to me: Philip Rivers is from Boston. He is Boston. But unless he makes it on to Boston’s beloved Pats before kickoff, this is going to be a total beatdown.
Is that a description of Bill? Well, let's break it down. Obviously he's from Boston or somewhere just outside of it. According to his Wikipedia page (always a reliable source, I know), he went to this prep school. He then attended College of the Holy Cross, which may or may not be overrated but is definitely private and definitely located in New England. Bill himself alludes to his bartending exploits in his columns. Date rape? Wouldn't put it past him. Trust fund? Well, that prep school he went to costs $37,000 a year if you board and $27,000 if you're just there to learn. And he's constantly talking about how his dad has been a Celtics season ticket holder for decades, which can't be cheap. That's not ironclad proof that he's a trust fund baby but it certainly indicates there's money in the family. I have no idea whether or not The Sports Gal is a "pink-hat skank," but I really can't see anyone wanting to get married to Bill unless there were some extenuating circumstances like a pregnancy.
So all in all... yeah... it might be a coincidence. But it might not be. I'm sure Gallo has met Simmons and is familiar with his work. They're both successful professional journalists in the same field and with roughly similar styles. Who's to say they can't have beef? You can make your own judgment. If something more comes of this, you'll definitely read about it here. Thanks again to Daniil.
I was facing two big problems earlier tonight.
1) I am tired
2) Gregg Easterbrook released a TMQ column this week that contains some absolutely wretched analysis
I mean, how was I supposed to reconcile these two with each other? If I go to bed, Easterbrook's turd of an article goes unchecked, probably forever. If I take a bunch of time to complain about the article, I go to bed late. Then I'll just be tired again tomorrow. And maybe Saturday too. What kind of bullshit life is that? How am I supposed to break that vicious cycle if I don't start tonight? But just as I was starting to panic, I had an idea. Let me lay it out for you slowly, so that by the end of the explanation you're so bored with what I'm saying that you have no interest in being a part of the idea.
Yesterday saw FireJay set another direct traffic record. Very exciting stuff. We also shattered our old record for being looked for on search engines; Google was overflowing with lovejuice for us. And the 34 comments (granted, like ten of them are from me, Chris W, and pnoles, but don't burst my bubble) on the Simmons piece has to be close to an all time record for the blog as well. So there's definitely a lot of you out there reading this drivel. I mean, shit, look at you right now. You could be doing anything on the internet. But you've chosen to be here.
Therefore, here's my idea: every Friday, we do a sort of play on those "You Write the Caption" competition magazines and blogs are always having. It used to be one of my favorite features in Sports Illustrated For Kids, even though most or all of the winning selections were probably written by kids' parents. But whatever. Anyways, for our little thingy I'm describing here, instead of a picture, we'll just present you with a handful of quotes from a terrible article and a theme for you to follow in your responses. Then you all just go buck wild making up jokes from the perspective of the author, which is sort of caption-ish in a way. Pow. Instant comedy. I mean, what better way to celebrate this windfall of new readers than by asking you to show us and each other how witty and snarky you can be? I hate the word snark, but I think its made-up definition applies nicely to what FireJay and blogs like it are all about. You wouldn't be here if you didn't like snark, and weren't pretty damn good at being snarky yourself. Hell, most of you are probably better at being snarky than I am. I'm really more angry/angsty. Snark snark snark. Fuck that word. See? I'm pissed now.
But seriously, you can see what I'm getting at here. I want you all to use your rapist's wits to help make the blog a funnier place. Some of you already do that in the comments section on a daily basis, but I want Friday to become a special day where you really focus and bring your A games. And on top of that, maybe some of you that read but don't comment will be inspired by this feature to make the plunge into commenting every once in a while.
This week will be the trial run. If it flops, we'll pretend it never happened. If it's even a mild success, which I define by having at least two commenters participate without making fun of me for thinking this would work, then we'll keep it going.
Easterbrook went like ten steps further than he usually does this week in terms of making shit up and passing it off as the truth. Here, he speculates as to why some of the NFL's divisional playoff games turned out the way they did.
Dallas took its regular-season finale off, then had the bye week, then honked at home. As you just might possibly have heard, certain Cowboys not only lost focus during the bye but treated the week as a vacation! Receiving millions of dollars per year for a part-time job, some Dallas players nevertheless felt they had to award themselves a vacation to get their minds off the playoffs -- and as we saw Sunday, the Cowboys' minds surely were off the playoffs!
Really? How did we see that? They piled up 11 penalties, but that alone isn't going to convince me. I'm going to need a little bit more explanation than "as we saw Sunday, [X], and that is that because I said so and I like science fiction a lot."
Romo kept trying to throw deep, rather than throwing slants, which are the standard counter to the big blitz. You sensed Romo wanted to hit a deep pass so everyone would credit him for winning the game.
Did I? I'm pretty sure I didn't. I mean, Romo's usually a spotlight hogging asshole, but- oh wait, no, that's someone else on his team. Nevermind.
Garrett never straightened Romo out in the fourth quarter -- perhaps because Garrett's head wasn't really in the game, either.
So I guess Gregg was either at the game, or has a magical TV feed that allows him to watch what's happening on the sidelines at all times.
In the fourth quarter, Dallas' offensive line play broke down. Could this have something to do with offensive line coach Tony Sparano not having his head in the game because he spent the bye week interviewing for head-coaching jobs?
Great theory. Totally unprovable and probably no more than 10% true. But it's cute. You know what will often cause offensive line play to break down? Being lined up opposite Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan all damn game.
Jacksonville trailed the highest-scoring team in football history by 11 points in the fourth quarter; reaching first-and-goal, the Jags absolutely had to score a touchdown. So why didn't the coaches assume they'd use all four downs and power-rush three times? Jacksonville had to get a touchdown. The mouselike field goal was all but running up a white flag. You could see at that point that Jack of the River had quit on the game. He wasn't going all-out to try to win, he was trying to hold down the margin of defeat so that on the banquet circuit in the offseason, people would say, "You gave the Patriots a good game."
Yep, I bet that's it. Why make decisions that you think give you the best chance at beating them, like kicking a field goal to get a one-score deficit? What's the glory in that? If you end up winning, no one's going to praise you for that on the offseason banquet circuit. Those banquet people are a tough to please crowd- they really only gravitate towards close losses.
Whoever coaches Indianapolis next season, if the Colts win a bye again, please, don't give the starters the season finale game off! Dungy has done this four times, and four times the result has been first-round home-field defeat for Indianapolis. Was the problem that the Colts defenders relaxed when LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers went out?
I'm glad this one is phrased as a rhetorical question rather than an outright true statement, but it's still stupid and wrong.
OK, so here's the theme for this week's Reader Participation Friday: given all these assessments Easterbrook makes about last weekend's games that range anywhere from "completely unprovable and unresearchable" to "batshit insane," please come up with some other explanations Gregg might formulate to explain occurrences in the world of sports. Write your response in the first person, as though you were him. Here, I'll do a couple examples to start things off.
"Maybe if Ohio State was more worried about preparing for LSU and less worried about visiting as many locations as possible in New Orleans that were portrayed in the movie JFK, they wouldn't have been blown out so badly in the National Championship Game."
"Jimmy Johnson just won his second straight NASCAR season championship. And it's no wonder, considering how much better he is at never letting any of the parts in his car break than the other drivers on the circuit."
"It's clear that the Colorado Rockies were swept in the 2007 World Series by the Boston Red Sox because the Rockies were too busy worrying about Drew Carey taking over hosting duties on 'The Price Is Right' to focus on the games."
"The secret to Tiger Woods's success lies in the fact that he never thinks about whether or not spectators are staring at his ass. John Daly, on the other hand, is particularly afflicted by this problem."
"Kobe Bryant is a dominant scorer in the NBA year in and year out for one reason: defenders refuse to guard him close due to his cripplingly bad breath."
Is this a good idea? It's a good idea, right? No? Well screw it, we're trying it this week anyways. I guess I'll find out when I wake up and check the comments in the morning. Come on, people. It's Friday. Nothing says "the weekend's almost here" like imitating Gregg Easterbrook.
(And of course, keep in mind that future installments of the feature will be much shorter because I won't have to laboriously explain my stupid thought process or anything.)
