For Once, Dr. Z Entertains Me Without Being Flagrantly Dumb

Dr. Z is a lot of things. Crusty old crummudgeon. Possible asylum escapee. Poor writer. Idiot. But this is his day in the sun at FireJay, because he just wrote a very entertaining piece which not only claims that Brett Favre could've been a whole lot better but also calls out the media for constantly handling him with kid gloves. Now, I'm not a Favre/Packer hater. I acknowledge that he's great, and I really don't have anything horrible to say about him. The tone of what Dr. Z does here probably takes things a little too far; I mean, Favre has the all time win, TD and yardage titles in addition to a ring. It's a nearly peerless resume and should be treated as such. But I'm excited about this piece simply because it's such a breath of fresh air.

Who has guts to subtly shit all over a surefire hall of famer less than 12 hours after he retires? Who's going to implicitly call out John Madden and Peter King (along with others) for refusing to hold Favre to the same standards they use on every other QB in the league? Who's going to question whether or not he was the greatest QB in Packer history by referencing two guys no one's ever heard of from the 40s and 50s? Dr. Z, that's who. Hey, you don't land a lady like the Flaming Redhead unless you've got balls down to your shoes. There's a reason he looks so happy with himself in his CNNSI file photo. He says what he wants, when he wants, and that makes him a real man.

Remember the night in Oakland, when it was iffy whether he'd play, following his father's death? Four TD passes and 399 yards in the air was the legacy he left out there. But there were downers, too, and it only hurt Favre that the knights of the TV screen always were ready to make excuses for him.

His fourth quarter and overtime meltdown against the Giants last season, which put a sad end to a remarkably classy season? Never mind ... the redemption of the Giants' field-goal kicker was the angle. The goofy, looping interception that cost the Pack the Eagles' game in OT in the divisionals in 2004? Oh, let's put it on the defense for allowing McNabb his fourth-and-26 completion in regulation.

Always ready to make excuses, always braying about "what a good time he's having," that was the continual barrage from TV. Maybe a few frowns, a stern reprimand or two, might have toned down the wild maverick a little, but gosh, he sure is having fun out there. And that's what the game is all about, isn't it? Fun, boys acting like men and so forth.

Facial.

Also, I forgot to award a winner for last week's reader extra participation Friday. Thanks to everyone who submitted (Even you, Archie the Possible Cokehead. And yes there are still winners. Keep trying.), but I've got to hand this one to Matt for pointing out that:

Worst: Chess. Don't get me wrong, I like chess. But when Bobby Fisher died recently,players quoted in the flood of resulting articles kept citing all Fisher "had done for our sport." Seriously? Sitting at a table for days & taking hours to decide in which direction you want to move a tiny piece a total of about 3" qualifies as a sport? I think I burn more calories taking a dump than a chess player does in an entire match. Plus the title "Grandmaster" sounds suspiciously like "Grand Wizard," and that's just racist.

By A: almost never being on TV and B: not requiring any movement out of the participants (we're not counting moving your arms to move the pieces, fuck that), chess failed to meet two of my three stated criteria for being a "sport." So really, this submission shouldn't even count. So why am I giving it the title anyways? Fuck, man. Now that I think about it "Grandmaster" does sound a little bit racist. And wasn't Bobby Fisher a well-known anti-Semite? It's 2008, International Chess Governing Body Association Incorporated. I think it's time we moved past that kind of thing.

(Note: posts that point out what a fucking disaster Dr. Z is to resume shortly. This is a one time deal.)

You Know That Uncle or Weird Cousin in the Family That Makes Bad Jokes All the Time?

Well, in the Hardiman family, that would be Ed. This time, he numbered his dumbass attempts at humor. He's fast becoming my most despised sportswriter, even if he isn't the stupidest.

Face it ASU is the fork you can't pull out. Yep, you take the L from a community college there is no BCS Championship, no way no how. Consequently we found an easy way to tell Michigan from Appalachian State University so you can recognize how big a loss this is.

Believe it or not, this is actually going to be less funny than David Letterman's Top Ten. Tell me when this is done how the hell he got positive comments saying how funny he was. It reminds me of that time Jeff Pearlman got positive feedback for the Rickey Henderson article. I swear that people who read these things have serious disorders.

#01…ASU wears shoebox's Michigan wears cleats

HAHHAHAHA! What a STUPID, POOR, DIVISION II SCHOOL! WAHAHAHHAHAHHA!

On a side note, I don't point out grammar and shit too often, but shoebox's? Really? No comma, no period? Whatever. I'm not here.

#02…Michigan’s footballs are made from pigskin, ASU uses the actual pig.

What dumbasses....they're handing off, passing, punting, and kicking an actual farm animal. Can you believe that guys? Guys?

::chirp::chirp::

#03…ASU’s uniforms are made from used peanut sacks, Michigan’s match.

Logic would denote that if the peanut sacks are matching (how different could they be???), then this is invalid.

#04…Michigan flies a chartered jet to away games, ASU lets Granny sit in the rocking chair on top of the team Ford Model T.

I can't even comment on this effectively. Is this supposed to be a joke that makes sense? Like, I see what you're going for....the whole Michigan - normal/Appalachian State - poor thing. But Ford Model T? Like you're trying to say that Appalachian State is old and unevolved and for some reason puts 80-year-old women on top of their cars? (Michigan is way older than Appalachian State) Anyone not cool with giving this joke a grade of "F"? Didn't think so.

#05…Lloyd Carr is the coach of Michigan, the coach of ASU is also their daddy and brother.

Ha-yuk......a backwoodsman/inbreeding joke. Lovely. Appalachian State University is not located in West Virginia, Ed.

#06…ASU cheerleaders have most of their teeth Michigan’s have all of their teeth.

I'm pretending that Ed has been reading this out loud, on stage, live on Broadway, in front of thousands of people. Right about now, the crowd is out of tomatoes/other stereotypical things to throw (where do they get tomatoes anyway?) and searching for the sharpest things they have to chuck them at the stage in hopes that one of his eyes would be gouged out. This is one of the least creative jokes of all time, and for some reason idiots are applauding this shit. I'll quote some comments, just for fun (there's literally like no negative feedback, I swear).

LMAO and still can't stop laughing! Ed you are a FUNNY LITTLE NEWSPAPER DUCK!

ed...you kill me...this is getting printed and put on the fridge. the highest of compliments, my fowl feathered freak.

Ahh Ed, you crack me up man... good stuff.

To reiterate....this is being said about someone who just made a run-of-the-mill "rural people don't have teeth" joke.

Back to the crap......

#07…Michigan sings “Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!” ASU sings “Pa Got The Still Workin’ Again!”

Oh HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA! Because they're RURAL. This totally isn't repetitive or anything. I wonder why people don't make these jokes about West Virginia University or something. Oh yeah. They aren't funny.

#08…Michigan games are broadcast on a satellite TV network, ASU broadcasts don’t reach the other side of the mountain.

Nothing really to say here except that this isn't really anything resembling a joke.

#09…Michigan players eat thick juicy steaks ASU players are happy to have vittles that didn’t die on a highway.

::sigh:: NEXT!

#10 Appalachian State University is 1-0, Michigan is 0-1!!!

Heyooooooooo! I was a bit scared that all of that wasn't going anywhere, but that super-awesome punchline reassured me that there was actually a point to all of that repetitive bullshit. Well done Ed. Those Appalachian State guys might be rural, toothless, and poor, but THAT DIDN'T MATTER ON SATURDAY DID IT??? You really drove the point home there.

Oooh here's one! Ed Hardiman may be a douche, stupid, douchey, unfunny, repetitive, and a douche, but the bottom line is foxsports.com still lets him write! I think I'll go ahead and write myself a "10 ways to tell the difference between Ed Hardiman and someone with a sense of humor", along the same lines.