This article is almost as stupid is Chris W's last post (and face)

Uh oh, Chris W got me good! Watch out! Here come the hypocrisy police! Almost as frightening as the cyber police! Simmons post coming tomorrow night. In the meantime enjoy this half-hearted effort.

Now that I'm done burning the hell out of Mr. Thinks-He-Can-Burn-But-Actually-Can't with the burniest of burnsauces, time to turn my attention to LZ Granderson. He wrote one of the most embarrassing examples I've ever seen of an article that 1) has just one point to make, a point which is brain-liquefyingly stupid; 2) the author realizes that fact; 3) which prompts the author to claim that they are in fact not making said brain-liquefyingly stupid point; 4) leaving the author with no point at all. It's a fantastic combination of WRONG and an article that didn't need to be written. Given the popularity of those two labels over there in our left hand sidebar, this seemed like a good article to bitch about while I work on this Simmons novel. Say what you will about how shitty that guy's writing is, but he's also very longwinded.

I will admit, as a lifelong Detroit Tigers fan, when I first heard we snagged Prince Fielder, I was ecstatic.

Victor Martinez had blown out his knee just days before -- lost for the upcoming season -- and replacing his offensive production wasn't going to be easy. A step back, after an amazing 2011, seemed inevitable. Then out of nowhere Detroit landed Fielder and life was good.

And I said to myself, what do you think the Tigers had to pay him to get him to sign? A couple hundred thousand a year? Couldn't be more than that, right? MAYBE THEY COULD PAY HIM WITH FOOD LOL

Then I saw the price tag and thought, "What the hell?"

He signed for about as much as he was expected to sign for when the offseason began! This is bananas!

All we hear about in the news these days is the struggling global economy, but in the middle of all this downbeat chatter a sports team bearing the name of one of the poorest cities in the country signs a baseball player to a nine-year deal worth $214 million.

How dare the Tigers ruin Detroit's reputation as a broke-ass city.

Talk about a disconnect.

Talk about the most worthless fucking article you could ever write. A thousand Jay Mariottis, confined to a warehouse, typing away on a thousand extra-smug typewriters, couldn't do any better. I'm pretty sure the "Isn't it WILD how much athletes are paid??? All for playing a ballgame!!! It ain't right I tell ya!!!" angle is the most played out, boring, unnewsworthy, uncommentaryworthy one in sports journalism. I'd rather read about Brett Favre. I'd rather read about how great Boston's sports scene is. Fuck it, I'd rather read about Simmons's most recent trip to Vegas.

Granted, the Tigers' budget and the city's budget are not related.

Admission #1 that this article should not exist.

But doesn't it bother you that the new first baseman will make more money this year ($23 million) than what's individually budgeted for all but one of the city's police precincts?

It does bother me that Detroit and many other cities have no money. It does not bother me that the market for baseball players has determined that a guy like Fielder is worth $23 million, because the private organization that is the Detroit Tigers has that money and is going to pay him that money.

Now I do not want to start an Occupy Comerica Park movement.

Fucking occupy references. Fucking dammit.

/waits for comment along the lines of "occupy Larry B's vagina harf harf harf"

I do not have a problem with the mechanics of capitalism nor do I begrudge Tigers owner Mike Illitch or anyone else for being rich and spending their money any way they want to.

Admissions #2 and #3 that this article should not exist.

In fact, I hope to join their exclusive club one day. Preferably with my crunchy granola idealism intact but who knows … I'm not making any promises.

You and me both. The difference is, I don't sit around saying/typing things like "Gee golly gosh, you know, garbagemen and crossing guards are the REAL heroes. Why don't we pay THEM $23 million a year?" I know it's fucking criminal how little teachers and social workers are paid in this country. I also know baseball salaries have not a fucking thing to do with that.

Anyway, my point:

My editor told me I had 8 minutes to come up with a new angle on the Fiedler signing and I'm high as hell as I'm typing this. How am I doing?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Fielder's contract.

Admission #4.

he problem is the environment in which a $214 million contract in today's wider economic landscape is even possible. Why are we so crazy about our favorite teams that the demand for better schools or roads takes a backseat by fiscal comparison?

Like I said, he's fucking baked. Hey man, you ever thought about... what if ATHLETES paid to see US work? What if PETS owned US?

Sure, no one wants to hear and see and read about bad news all of the time. But is distracting ourselves from everyday life so critical that we'll ignore the financial solvency of the games we love is much stronger than many of the communities in which they are played?

God yes. Yes a million times. As soon as you have a way to fix the mind-bogglingly complex political, structural, monetary, racial, and sociological problems that cause cities, states, and entire countries to go broke, I'll happily tune out the sports and listen to you flap your gums. Until then shut up or write something else.

Yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy of a sportswriter complaining about the insane amount of money connected to the sports industry. But as I said earlier, I want to move on up like George and Weezy and cannot guarantee my crunchy granola idealism is going to make the trip. The reality is there is more than one reality. I want to make a good living so I need billions to continue to flow through sports. I also want the Tigers to continue to be successful and that comes at cost. In 2003, the Tigers lost an American League-record 119 games. This year, thanks to Fielder, we are World Series favorites.

That's probably the worst paragraph of sportswriting I've ever read. In case you couldn't identify it on your own, the worst part of all is the final sentence.

Boise State Loses! But They're Still Awesome!!!

As you might have noticed, the media darling of Boise State football lost in OT last night.

All season, blowhards have been whining about how unfair it would be that BSU wouldn't get the chance to play in the title game, even if they finished undefeated. Rick Reilly went on and on about how bad the BCS, arguing that the "computers TKO Boise State". Well, looks like BSU TKO'd itself.

So just today, Gene Wojecehjogiaski came out with an article titled "Despite Boise's Loss, non-AQ's belong". Now, of course one game doesn't constitute enough evidence to make a judgment about a whole system, but last night's game is a piece of evidence that affirms the points of view of the Gordon Gees of the world and damages the opposing points of view of the Gene Wojs of the world: competition in non-BCS conferences is generally not up to the same standard, and, consequently, teams from those conferences should get lower preference for BCS bowl bids.

Gene's whole article isn't worth a thorough examination, as most of it explains the reasons for Nevada's win. The most interesting stuff comes at the end, when Gene asks Nevada coach Chris Ault if WAC teams can play with the AQ conferences, and he said that "Ohio State wouldn't beat Boise State". It's kind of stupid for journalists to ask these coaches these things, beacuse like what the hell else would they say? But I guess that's their job.

Here's where the article gets bad:

Anyway, this is the win that will keep on giving. It was a hard-fought victory for all those Little Sisters of the Poor programs -- the same sometimes-scruffy non-automatic qualifiers Gee so casually mocked with his comments.

Actually, this game is just the opposite. By proving the BSU was more of the caliber of the Nevadas of the world and less the caliber of the Auburns of the world, this win actually devalues the LSoP programs, since their best just proved to be ... not that great.

For years the non-AQs have been forced to jump through BCS hoops. Now TCU could be bumped up to BCS first class if No. 1 Oregon or No. 2 Auburn falters in its final game.

And things are as they should be.

Make no mistake: TCU is now positioned for a long-shot national title try not because of the BCS "system," but in spite of it. Maybe that's what makes it easier to root for the Horned Frogs and Wolf Packs of the world.

Make no mistake: both Auburn and Oregon have proved themselves clearly more impressive than TCU this season. Each of those teams deserves their spot. The BCS system is working just fine. While it might not be perfect, sportswriters' hand-wringing and fulminating about its errors is far disproportionate to its actual evil.

TMTMQR: A Brief Review of Idiocy

This is the latest I've ever done a TMQR; this week's might be out by the time you read this. But last week's was so fucking awful that I can't let it go by without making very brief comments about a couple of its most offensive turdclumps.

New England's touchdown passes went to Randy Moss and Wes Welker on downs in which they were not covered by anyone -- they simply ran up the field, ignored by all Tennessee defenders.

Randy Moss and Wes Welker are both really good. They're hard to cover. There were no plays during this game during which they were "ignored by all Tennessee defenders." There were plenty of plays on which the coverage wasn't nearly good enough to stop them. That'll happen when you're dealing with, you know, two really good receivers and a really good quarterback. This is classic fucking Easterbrook. What a douche. At least he doesn't say this about offensive linemen anymore. That was classic fucking Easterbrook circa 2007: "ON EVERY PLAY OF [game X], THERE WERE AT LEAST FOUR OFFENSIVE LINEMEN SIMPLY STANDING AROUND DOING NOTHING!"

In cultural news, with the big-budget movie "2012" opening soon, Sony is avidly promoting how cool it would be if the entire Earth was destroyed. Why does a major corporation think this would be really cool?

And this is the first movie ever made featuring a situation like this! Surely this has never ever ever been done in Hollywood before! (Considered linking to the IMDB page for Armageddon or Deep Impact or The Day After Tomorrow or a hundred other movies- decided against it because I want to go to bed)

TMQ warned about the Mayan prophecies regarding December 2012 two years ago.

This is like commenting "FIRST" on a blog post. But less cool.

The fact that there is now a major motion picture on this theme grants me peace of mind, owing to this rule of thumb: Anything predicted by a major Hollywood movie is certain not to happen.

A law as immutable as cold coach = victory.

"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five, one thousand six." That's what TMQ counted as Ben Roethlisberger scanned the field before throwing an 8-yard touchdown pass to Heath Miller.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. That's some pretty hyperspecific time measurement there. Why don't we just say Roethlisberger had about a minute or so in the pocket before he threw.

Meanwhile the Broncos are 6-0, and while their schedule gets tougher as the season progresses, Denver is positioned for good things. Kyle Orton, constantly looked down upon as merely a "game manager" and not a true quarterback, is now 27-12 as a starter -- a lot better performance than many cannon-armed quarterbacks one could name. Surely Orton cannot throw a 60-yard pass while kneeling, as JaMarcus Russell famously did. All Orton does is win games.

Shittiest. Analysis. Ever. And I say that as a Bronco fan. Look, I'm perfectly happy with him and everything, but all Orton does is not throw interceptions (something he does- responsible for some of his teams' successes), hand the ball off well (something he does- responsible for a tiny bit of his teams' successes), and play for teams that have amazing defenses (has nothing to do with him at all- largely responsible for his teams' successes).

Fortune Favors the Bold! Game scoreless, Houston went for it on fourth-and-1 at the Cincinnati 13, despite a prominent fourth-and-1 failure the previous Sunday. The Texans scored a touchdown on the possession, and the aggressive call set the tone for Houston's win. Carolina and Pittsburgh won after going for it on fourth-and-short situations in which most NFL coaches would kick. TMQ even liked Detroit going for it on fourth-and-1 when trailing Green Bay by 14-0. Though the attempt failed, and the lowly Lions were pounded, aggressive tactics eventually will reverse Detroit's losing psychology.

So- going for it on 4th and short is awesome when it works. And it's awesome when it doesn't work, because it will totally have an unquantifiable and intangible effect sometime in the future. Awesome! Life is good when you have a vivid imagination.

Congratulations, Carol Slezak: With Mariotti Gone, You Are Officially the Dumbest Sun-Times Columnist.

Here's an article by Carol Slezak about how the Bears should go after Michael Vick.

Never mind the questions behind Mike Vick as an actual football player--a guy who still hadn't figured it out when he went away from football for two years. Never mind the fact that Chicago is probably not a good place for a QB who relies on a scrambling style of QB play. Never mind any of those things. I'm just interested in this:

CAROL SLEZAK HATED THE BEARS'S ACQUISITION (drafting) OF GREG OLSEN

About 2 years ago, Slezak had a snit-fit because the Bears drafted hip-hop hero G-Reg Olsen. Olsen is currently one of the few plus-players on the Bears, but as many of you know, he recorded a dope ass jam back in his days at The U as a member of the rap music outfit "The Seventh Floor Crew."

Carol was livid. How dare a team acquire a player who, as a twenty-year old, had written some risque, misogynistic rap lyrics? Never mind that Olsen had never been accused of breaking the law. Never mind that he apologized, right? I mean, if you do something truly horrible (like "get head" or "show her the third leg") how can you possibly hope to be forgiven for it?

Oh wait:


When considering Vick's future, let's not pretend the NFL is filled with perfect citizens. For every all-around good guy like Mike Brown, there's another Plaxico Burress or Pacman Jones or Tank Johnson waiting to be found out. Vick deserves a chance to resume his career. There will be strings attached, of course. Morals clauses and counseling sessions and whatever else the league or a team might ask for to cover its risk. But in all likelihood, Vick will get another chance somewhere. Why not here?

Let's not forget that he already has paid a huge price for his crimes. In addition to his loss of freedom, he has lost all his money. He was once the most popular athlete in Atlanta, but the Falcons have made it clear they want nothing to do with him. He was the kind of guy kids emulated. No longer. He has a lot of work ahead of him to rebuild his reputation in the community. But when it comes to the league, all that matters is whether he still can play. He deserves a chance to put his mistakes behind him.

What a fucking idiot this woman is.