WMTMQR: Still banging my head against this wall

And the Denver Broncos looked really, really finished when they took possession with 4:34 remaining in regulation, trailing by 10. Denver hadn't scored in the game. Tim Tebow had misfired on 11 consecutive forward-pass attempts. Despite having the league's No. 1 rushing offense, Denver coaches ordered punts on fourth-and-1, fourth-and-1 and fourth-and-2.

And the football gods allowed them to win? Awful inconsistent of them if you ask me. It's almost as if they don't fucking exist, and that punting on 4th and 1 against one of the league's best run defenses isn't actually a moral transgression on par with mid-level war crimes.

Denver has become the NFL's top rushing team, and the running game often starts slowly. In the first half the defense is fresh, and may stop the run. By the fourth quarter, the front seven is tired and becomes vulnerable. So it's not just craziness in these Denver comebacks, though craziness surely is a big factor in the entertainment value. It's tactics. Denver is using tactics that are likely to result in an explosion of yardage late in the game.

Which tactics? You mean "running a lot?" There are several teams doing that. (Even in this PASS WACKY version of the NFL!) And I'm pretty sure the idea that defenses get tired is 1) not anything new, 2) not a tactic that is only likely to work if the offense is focused on the run, 3) not really "likely" to result in an explosion of yardage late in the game; a better choice of words would be "slightly more likely than an offense based solely on heaving the ball deep on every play."

Opponents need to realize this, and "roll" their defenses -- bringing personnel out to rest -- from the first quarter on.

Thanks for the advice, Lombardi. Every team already does this every single game, especially visiting teams in Denver. I don't think it's much of a secret that it's harder to breathe at higher altitudes.

Denver's use of the high-school-style zone-read option also forces defenses to defend all 11 Broncos players on rushing downs. Usually in the NFL, on a rush down the defense defends only 10 players.

And unless they're playing the Panthers, they cease defending the quarterback the moment he hands off the ball. There's this popular tactic you might have heard of called play action passing that is partially dependent on that phenomenon.

Against the Broncos, all 11 offensive players must be defended.

/watches video of Drew Brees handing off and the defense's reaction, then watches video of Tebow running the zone read

Yep. Completely different. The zone read works well for Tebow because he's big and fast and good at it, not because defenses are "forced" to defend him while by contrast they can ignore other QBs after the handoff. Your expert analysis of this situation is a bunch of fucking white noise.

By the fourth quarter, defenders are more winded than they would be against a standard offense.

No. Except for the altitude factor.

And in other NFL news, by the third quarter at Green Bay, the Packers led Oakland 43-7. That means if the game had been played under National Federation of High Schools rules, the timekeeper would have switched to "running clock" in which the clock almost never stops, shortening the contest. The running clock, used when the margin is 35 points or more, is the most common mercy rule found in high school football. The Packers reached it in the third quarter!

I'm not sure that last sentence needed an exclamation point. Plenty of teams have done that to the Raiders since Rich Gannon and Tim Brown retired.

Sour Redskins Plays of the Week: "He held the ball too long." That's what every TV commentator said of quarterback Rex Grossman, who was sacked in the end zone for a safety by former teammate Andre Carter in the New England at Washington collision. Time the play -- Grossman was starting his throwing motion at three seconds. The problem was not that he held the ball too long.

Considering a sack in that situation meant a safety, it kinda was. The QB has to treat that situation differently than if the line of scrimmage is the 20.

The problem was that undrafted free agent emergency left tackle Willie Smith, filling in for the megabucks Trent Williams (suspended for failing drug tests), did an "olé" block, all but stepping out of Carter's way.

NOOOOOOOO! WILLIE! HOW COULD YOU???? Why were you not inspired by every Jeff Saturday who has gone before you? More importantly, what did you do to Gregg to get him to call you out as a shitty player considering your incredibly Gregg-friendly credentials? Also, typical of Gregg to not realize that the real problem was that the Redskins called a play that gave Grossman a chance to hold the ball in the end zone and stare down Santana Moss as he ran a triple move thirty yards down the field.

Later, score tied in the third quarter, New England faced third-and-12 on the Washington 37.

You don't need a sack here -- the Patriots are already out of field-goal range.

Stephen Gostowski's career long is 53 yards. So no, not really.

Nevertheless, Washington big-blitzed.

A tactic that has never worked in football history, except for the three or four times it worked for Dallas against Eli Manning on Sunday night and the four or five times it worked for the Seahawks against Sam Bradford last night (yeah I watched some of that game, what's it to you?).

Gronkowski ended up covered by linebacker Ryan Kerrigan, catching another easy-looking touchdown catch to set the single-season record for touchdowns by a tight end. Just to prove this was no fluke, on the play, Washington corners Josh Wilson and DeAngelo Hall just stood there watching Gronkowski run the final 10 yards to pay dirt.

Neither were nearly close enough to Gronkowski when he caught the ball to try to stop him from scoring. Both would have been flattened like traffic cones in the way of a garbage truck if they were close enough and did actually try. But it's more fun to write from the perspective of GRRR WHERE'S THE HUSTLE THESE GLORY BOYS ARE SO GLORY BOYISH

Sweet 'N' Sour Playoff-Clinching Plays of the Week: The Houston Texans had never made the playoffs. Trailing Cincinnati 19-13 with 18 seconds on the clock, out of timeouts, third-string quarterback T.J. Yates at the controls, Houston faced third-and-10 on the Bengals 23. Incompletion. But Cincinnati corner Adam Jones, who grabbed a receiver during his route, did a theatrical hands-in-the-air gesture, meaning "I didn't commit a penalty." Then the flag flew -- Jones talked the officials into penalizing him! As TMQ points out, football players should never make the hands-in-the-air "I didn't do it" gesture. This only notifies the zebras you did, in fact, do it. Always act nonchalant! Very sour.

Watch football for, like, 45 fucking minutes. You'll see a DB make the "I didn't do it" gesture and not get flagged.

Gregg's editor: "You know Mr. Easterbrook, it's not really good to try to prove all your points and hypotheses with scatted anecdotes."

Gregg: "Huh?" /eats paint chips, makes anti-Semitic remarks

Last year when TMQ mocked the highfalutin flavor claims of wine tasters -- notes of "buttered toast" was my favorite -- oenophiles protested that tasting terms don't mean a drink actually tastes like toast or fruitcake, they signify the presence of flavors that aficionados recognize. Maybe. I still doubt most wine snobs could tell a merlot from a cabernet in a blind tasting, let alone identify "aftertaste of pomegranate."

Whoa, twat-on-twat crime. Brutal. Usually they all stick together. They must have kicked Gregg out of their bridge club or something.

Everyone knows the San Diego Chargers turn it on as the holidays approach, and they are 34-17 in December in the past decade. But the team that owns Christmas month is the New England Patriots, who are 42-7 in December in the same span.

Interesting- two of the best regular season teams of the last ten years have also been good at the end of the regular season. Sounds crazy but I'll hear you out. It's a free country.

Possibly this is because while other NFL teams move to their practice bubbles when the weather turns nasty, the Flying Elvii continue to practice outside.

Or because the Patriots have had a Hall of Fame quarterback, a great coach, and plenty of other great players for the past decade.

The worst Decembers of the past decade are Detroit (13-37) and Oakland (16-35). Detroit is always indoors at home, Oakland's home offers ideal weather. Both teams fold when it's cold outside.

Both teams have folded at every possible opportunity during every month of the season for the past decade. But I like your theory too, it's a lot more clever and wrong.

Lend Me a Tight End! Four NFL teams -- Green Bay, Houston, New England and New Orleans -- routinely use multiple tight end sets. Their combined record is 43-9. Why does the rest of the league not notice? P.S.: It's working for Stanford, too.

Yeah, other teams! Just sign Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez, or Owen Daniels and Joel Dreessen! It's not that hard- how are you too stupid to figure it out?

Arizona leading San Francisco 21-19 with 2:14 remaining in the fourth quarter, the Squared Sevens,

Gahhhhhhhhhhh

one of the league's best rushing teams, faced third-and-1 near midfield. San Francisco went incompletion, incompletion, game over. On the day, the Forty Niners averaged 4.3 yards per rush and 3.4 yards per pass attempt. Why, with the game on the line and just one yard to gain, not rush?

Yeah! It's not like that yards per rush figure came from plenty of runs on 1st and 10, or 2nd and 3, or dozens of other down/distance combinations that don't involve a defense that's got 8 guys in the box! It's science: if you gain 4.3 yards per rush, every rush will result in 4.3 yards. Come to think of it, the 49ers should have simply run on every play- they'd have scored a touchdown on every possession. It's so simple.

FMTMQR: Watch out for post-Thanksgiving Christmas Creep!

Oh, the football gods would so chortle at some of the shit in this week's TMQ column if they existed.

In other NFL news, Forget the Titans! Three weeks ago, Tennessee was 5-3 with a 13-5 streak stretching back to last season. Now, the Flaming Thumbtacks have lost three straight; they're playing a befuddled third-string quarterback;

Right, Kerry Collins and Vince Young are both hurt. I know what you're thinking: this is Randy Moss's fault.

coach Jeff Fisher and star Vince Young are openly arguing;

Gotta be Moss!

corner Cortland Finnegan looks like a horse's behind;

Probably from spending too much time around Moss.

and, on Sunday, the Titans were shut out by the league's 31st-ranked defense.

Prime suspect: one of the league's top 20ish WRs.

This can't possibly have anything to do with the arrival of Randy Moss, can it?

UM HELLO EXACTLY.

On Sunday, Moss didn't bother to chase a deep pass that might have been a touchdown.

Every deep pass "might have been a touchdown." Every WR in the league gives up on them from time to time, because they can tell from having chased thousands of passes during their lifetimes that they won't be able to catch this one. I didn't see the one he's talking about, of course. It's possible that Moss was being a bum and gave up on a catchable ball. But I'm pretty comfortable guessing Gregg is being a doofus as usual and blaming Moss for nothing.

In the games in which Moss started for them, the Patriots, Vikings and Titans are a combined 4-7.

No elite receiver can ever be on a sub-.500 team. It's unpossible. I said it in the comments last week: Broncos fans should just be happy their team's biggest offseason move involved trading away that selfish diva Brandon Marshall. Look where it's gotten them, and look where the Dolphins are! Those suckers.

Also- remember that time Moss was an integral part of a team that scored like 60 points a game and was 3 minutes away from finishing 19-0? Career loser that guy.

Fisher said a month ago, when Tennessee was 5-3, "there is absolutely no risk" in bringing Moss aboard. Tennessee is now 5-6, and it's time to forget the Titans.

Because they have an overrated defense and no QB. Not because they took a flier on a super talented WR who hasn't been able to drag them through their own shitstorm to any wins.

Christmas Creep Veers Into the Absurd:

This is probably my favorite creep segment ever. Read on and be ready to lol.

Since childhood, TMQ has loved the stop-motion animation special "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," which was first broadcast in 1964. One of the things that first brought my future wife and I together was the discovery that, though we had super-serious careers, we both loved this delightfully cheesy show.

Thanks for the wife story, Simmons.

When our kids were little, they watched "Rudolph" on VCR over and over again in December, memorizing most of the lines. When my youngest was perhaps 8,

Tl;dr. Don't care about your family. Get to the damn point.

It brought a tear to my eye to learn, two months ago, that Billie Mae Richards, the actress who voiced Rudolph, died at age 88 in Canada.

Is there anything less tragic than a voice actor who probably made millions in royalties from her work living to the age of 88?

On Tuesday night, CBS takes Christmas Creep into absurdity

Note the word choice- what follows is patently ABSURD.

by airing "Rudolph" in November!

Oh my. OH MY. GET THE NATIONAL GUARD ON THE PHONE- A FAMOUS AND POPULAR CHRISTMAS TV SPECIAL AIRED 26 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. There's no way that's true, it's just too absurd. Maybe TV Guide misprinted it.

That's no misprint:

GAH

The 2010 broadcast of the show happens on Nov. 30.

Gregg, you are a sad, sad, sad man with an astonishingly strange complaint agenda. You make Larry David sound well-balanced and rational. HAS ANYONE EVER NOTICED THAT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE HAS ALL KINDS OF CHRISTMAS-THEMED STUFF IN IT, BUT IT AIRS ON THANKSGIVING? STOP THE MADNESS AMERICA

Will "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" air next September?

Probably not, since no one really cares about Halloween until mid October. As opposed to Christmas, which they care about in late November. Which is the point of him complaining about "creep," I suppose, except that it's perfectly rational to get excited about Christmas a month in advance. It's the biggest or second biggest family holiday of the year for most of America, and what the fuck else are you going to be excited about during December? January and February are the worst months of the year because it's cold and shitty outside and there's nothing to look forward to except spring.

My family will not watch on Tuesday; we will DVR the show and watch it next week,

You rebels! Do the advertisers know about this? You'd think they'd put a stop to this DVR nonsense.

fast-forwarding through the commercials.

Commie!

Rudolph lovers: Tape the show, save it 'til December and fast-forward through the commercials!

Make a completely inconsequential statement!

Make CBS pay for this absurdity!

Best line Easterbrook has ever written, ever.

Now Jax, trailing 24-20, has first-and-10 on the home team 29 just inside the two-minute warning. The Giants run a choreographed blitz on which Osi Umenyiora, the right end, sprints straight up the field and allows the Jacksonville left tackle to drive him behind Jax quarterback David Garrard -- an action that opens a lane for safety Antrel Rolle to come through unblocked for the sack.

Wait- on a blitz? No fucking way. The correct defense for all downs and distances is to play base coverage and rush four.

Normally, a left tackle who drives the right end behind the quarterback has won the down; in this case, Umenyiora was cooperating to leave a lane for Rolle. Garrard was sacked on each of the next two snaps, closing out the contest. So blitzes themselves aren't bad -- but there's smart blitzing and dumb blitzing.

He's learning, people. He's learning. Now we just have to make him understand that it's OK to punt and kick field goals sometimes. Teams have even won the Super Bowl using those ultra-conservative tactics!

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2: With Oakland leading 14-10 late in the first half, the South Florida Dolphins faced third-and-10, beyond field goal range. The Raiders blitzed seven, and an easy completion to the Oakland 20 set up a field goal, helping spark the visitors' comeback win. Why mega-blitz when the opponent isn't in field goal range? Just play coverages and get an incompletion.

Just like that. As if it's equivalent to going to the grocery store and buying a gallon of milk, or picking up your remote control and turning the TV on. Just play coverage, and make sure that one of the (ostensibly) 32 best QBs in the world doesn't pick up 10 yards.

The Minnesota win came against the NFL's worst defense. Still, the Vikings looked more like a team, and less like a jeans promotion organization, than so far this season.

Gregg seems to struggle with the idea that just because they employ Favre as their QB, they don't necessarily spend their time on the field during games promoting all the products he promotes.

Comic-Book Characters, Having Ruined Hollywood, Are Now About to Ruin Broadway: The Spider-Man musical, complete with music by U2, began previews Sunday. Eight years and $65 million in the making, it sounds like the dumbest idea ever for a Broadway show

Here the one time this week when TMQ and I are on the exact same page. That does sound like just about the worst idea ever.

In the latest X-Men movie, about Wolverine, Logan became immortal -- If he's immortal, why is he scared of flying?

Come on, Hollywood writers. YOU'RE DROPPING THE REALISM BALL.

and acquired Superman-class strength, plus the ability to jump tremendous distances. In that movie, Wade Wilson and Agent Zero, who were normal people in the comics, become superpowered mutants. Dozens of men fire machine guns at Wilson at close range, and he uses his mutant super senses to locate the bullets and deflect them away with his fancy swords. Bullets move at 1,500 to 2,000 mph, so Wilson's arms would need to move at several thousand mph to reposition the swords fast enough to deflect every shot. That's flexing your biceps pretty fast. You'd think his skin would melt, and there should be constant sonic booms caused by his arms and the swords.

There are... no words to describe this man's idiocy.

Monday Morning Bizarro QB

Contest: I give you two pieces of journalism, you tell me which was written by an angry sports blogger, and which was written by a fat, Brett Farve-loving columnist.

Sample A:
"This game showed what kind of a football team the Cowboys are, for going out with all their football players and making football plays on the football field to win this football game."

Sample B:
"Why does every announcer say "football game'' instead of "game'' or "field'' or "player'' over and over and over in the same sound bite? We know the sport is football. Does Joe Buck say, "The Cubs are playing a heck of a baseball game on this baseball field?'' Does Mike Breen say, "This is a basketball game for the ages, and these basketball players out on that basketball floor will remember it forever?''"

Bizarrrrrro.

Quick Peter King Update

Thanks to reader Erik for alerting me to the fact that King is always writing ridiculous bullshit, even during the offseason. Neither of these items from last Sunday's column really requires a lot of analysis. Just soak them in.

I think we need to let Matt Leinart live his life and not freak out when photos show up of him in a hot tub with four bikini-clad girls. Tell me something: What's wrong with a very eligible bachelor hanging out with attractive girls (apparently very much of age) in a hot tub some night early in the offseason? I heard a TV person call the photos "disturbing.'' Why is it bad for Leinart to be photographed with four pretty girls in a hot tub, doing nothing but smiling for the camera?

I haven't seen the picture. I bet not everyone's hands are visible, though. Dick joke.

Now, I guess it's not the best image to have Leinart, in another photo, delivering a beer to a girl in one of those college funnel-type apparatuses, but again, tell me what there is to be outraged about? Is there proof that any of them are 17?

Well, no, I guess not. The ol' "But officer, she told me she was probably 18" defense. Peter King, you are a creep. I think it's worth pointing out that with his loose-living ways and seemingly friendly, down-to-Earth, good ol' boy personality, Leinart has a lot in common with a young Brett Favre. No wonder King is rushing to his defense.

Had a moving movie experience the other day at an IMAX theater in New York. I saw U2 3D, the three-dimensional film of a U2 concert in Buenos Aires in 2006. If you like U2, and you're within an hour of a 3-D theater somewhere in the world and the movie is still playing, you simply have to go. For $16 (or whatever it costs where you see it), it's the closest thing -- damn close, really -- to actually being in the middle of a pulsating crowd with Bono wailing out, Where the Streets Have No Name, with your leg bouncing up and down. Incredible. Bono's in your lap. The bouncing crowd, jumping up and down, is all around you.

In Erik's words, Peter is really "sexing it up" here. Personally, I'd rather Bono not be in my lap.

Bill Simmons, Your Tears Are So Delicious

You know what I'm referring to. Maybe if he hadn't spent the last five months writing intolerable Patriots column after intolerable Patriots column, he wouldn't have forced me into eff-you Cobra Kai mode. Alas- this is the end result of that sequence of events. And I'm going to enjoy it.

Unfortunately, the article is disappointingly unterrible. He's actually pretty gracious towards the Giants, and doesn't make too many excuses for the Patriots. He points out that the Pats were unlikable (a nice reversal from that column earlier in the year which basically whined "Why can't anyone be happy for us?") and labels their fans as "arrogant." He even admits at the end that he will be forever haunted by Giants fans' chants of "Eighteen and one" from after the game. That's pretty un-douchey for Bill. Still. I came here to empty my bowels on this column, dammit, and I'm not leaving until that happens.

I won't cover anything from the first half or so of the article, but frankly it's ridiculous that he starts out by thoroughly comparing this game to Super Bowl XXXVI. Can we please get an article about someone beating the current Patriots without comparing said victor to a previous championship winning Patriots team? The comparison is really more about Bill's experience than the teams themselves, I guess, but it's still irrelevant and tacky.

It's a dirty little secret, but Super Bowl crowds stink for the same reason that All-Star crowds stink -- more than half of the tickets get chewed up by sports executives, corporate sponsors, people working for the league or the advertising companies that support the league, celebrities and pseudo-celebrities, rich people and neutral fans who just want to be there because it's something to do.

That's not a secret. Everyone who likes the NFL knows that. Everyone. Casual fans in Europe. Ancient guys in nursing homes who were in their 50s when Super Bowl I happened. Five year olds who don't understand most of the rules. Annoying sorority girls who pretend to be lifelong fans of whatever team their current boyfriend likes. Everyone.

Arizona wasn't anything like that. Super Bowl XLII broke the record for "most fans of one team or the other" as well as "most fans wearing jerseys" and "most dead-even split of fans representing both franchises."

The "imaginary broken record" joke is fine in moderation. It doesn't need to be in every column. This particular instance of it should be replaced with either a Karate Kid reference or a story about his daughter.

Because of the unique makeup of the crowd, I became convinced we were headed for something special, even texting a few friends to predict a close and special game.

Ok, Nostradamus. I bet you did. What was the prediction you offered in your column from last Friday?

The Big Pick: Patriots 42, Giants 17.

That's what I thought. Asshole. Bill, three days before the 2007 Fiesta Bowl: "What a joke! Why is Boise State even here?" Bill, seconds before kickoff: "I've got a feeling this one is going to come down to the wire. There's just something in the air tonight. Smells like my own flatulence, which is pungent but subtle at the same time."

Soaking in the atmosphere, seeing the sea of jerseys, hearing the sounds that genuine fans make, suddenly a blowout seemed impossible. This was too good. This was what sports was all about, right?

Cliche, cliche, cliche, contradictory prediction that he undoubtedly did not actually make at the time. Cliche. Epic cliche borrowed from Rick Reilly.

With that said, I never thought the Patriots would lose. I thought they'd be tested, I thought the game would be great ... but lose??? You could point out 10 different instances when the Pats blew a chance to make a monster play or put the game away, and you could point out all the different times the Giants caught a break or had a ball bounce their way,

I'd love to hear about all those times. The only obvious one(s) I can think of is the fact that the Giants twice put the ball on the ground and managed to recover it both times. But how about instead, we point out that arguably the biggest break/lucky play of the game was the Giants' red zone interception Steve Smith perfectly tipped into Ellis Hobb's waiting arms? It cost the Giants a first and goal at the New England 8 (if caught) or a chip shot field goal attempt (if dropped in any other fashion). Manning could throw that exact pass to Smith 100 times, and the interception would bounce directly into Hobb's chest on one of them. Maybe.

but really, everything you need to know about Super Bowl XLII happened on the Miracle Play To Be Named Later -- you know, the third down on the do-or-die drive when Eli Manning ripped himself away from the entire Patriots defensive line (THEY HAD HIS JERSEY!!!!!!) and threw a pass that hung in the air forever like one of those sports movie passes, and even though David Tyree and Rodney Harrison had an equal chance of getting it, Tyree jumped a little bit higher, hauled in the football, trapped it against his helmet and somehow held on while Harrison was doing everything but performing a figure-four leg lock on him.

I've got bad news. That's not "catching a break" or "having a ball bounce your way." Excuse the cliche- that's called making plays. Manning was under pressure. He got away from it. He threw a pass that was right where his receiver could go and get it. Tyree was covered, be he went up and got the ball anyways. Deal with it.

I will forever remember eight things about Super Bowl XLII:

1. Before the pregame introductions, the Patriots were jogging off the field and the Jumbotron caught Brady briefly break stride to shake hands with Pat O'Brien. This bothered me for some reason -- somewhere along the line, the team and the quarterback almost became too famous, as symbolized by that handshake and the fact Brady would have run right by O'Brien six years ago because he would have wanted to flip out in the tunnel and inexplicably head-butt Bledsoe over and over again. Look, I'm not blaming Brady for the handshake. This was the season when his fame transcended sports and morphed into something else, and part of that "something else" involves the occasional random pregame handshake with the likes of Pat O'Brien. You have to do things like this when you're famous, even if you don't really want to do them. At the same time, I thought this was a terrible omen and a defining moment of the season.

Z, O, M, G. Pure hilarity. Really? THAT was your team's defining moment? Not anything else that, you know, happened on the field and made them lose? I guarantee you Eli Manning shook a few hands before the game. Maybe even Pat O'Brien's. Here's a quiz for all you readers out there. Why did Tom Brady have a mediocre game on Sunday?

a) because he was too distracted by Pat O'Brien's sexy man hands to focus properly during warmups
b) because the Giants' D-line was constantly dump trucking him into the turf
c) quizzes with rhetorical questions and sarcastic answer choices are fucking stupid

Understood. We'll move along then.

2. Speaking of Brady, if the Patriots had finished 19-0, I planned to start my column with a scene from the Patriots' postgame party. Through some mutual friends, I had arranged to hang out with Brady's crew for what promised to be a laid-back celebration in somebody's hotel room, probably no more than 15-20 people since Brady's circle is surprisingly and refreshingly small.

If this is true, oh my goodness gracious, how awkward would this have been for everyone except Bill? ("Who is that guy? Why does he keep showing me pictures of his family and asking if he can bring 'Hench' and 'J-Bug' up here?") If this is not true, Bill reminds me of this kid who grew up on my block and claimed to have a hoverboard and a velociraptor in his basement that he couldn't show anyone. Some people are just so insecure about their lives that they have to make ridiculous shit up.

Because it was a rare chance to catch Brady in an unguarded moment -- and an important moment at that -- I spent most of Friday and Saturday thinking about that first paragraph and all the different ways it could start. I kept seeing Brady sitting in a chair with his right ankle encased in ice, quietly sipping a bottle of champagne with a satisfied smile on his face, and Gisele would be there, and everyone would be recapping 19-0 and remembering the incredible season. I liked the thought of a famous person celebrating a historic night in such a totally normal and relatable way.

Imaginary Tom Brady sure is a chilled out guy, isn't he? But had the Patriots won, I bet real life Tom Brady would have kicked everyone out of the room so he could pulverize Gisele after doing lines of blow off her thighs.

And that's what it will remain. A thought and only a thought. It never happened.

Now the healing can begin.

3. First entry in my notebook right after the game ended: "Eli Manning just gave me the Eli Manning Face." And he did.

Reader Ben makes a great point- I think we can now safely say that the Tom Brady face exists. I think it looks something like this. (Thanks to the anonymous commenter from my post on Sunday night.)

4. For the rest of eternity, I will never understand why the Patriots -- a team that broke all kinds of offensive records by attacking teams with an aggressive, run-and-shoot offense that thrived on audibles, checks and the intelligence of the quarterback and his receivers -- became passive in the single biggest game of the season.

Obviously, their genius head coach and his staff of undergeniuses thought that was all they needed to do in order to win. There were no other variables at play. The number of people or decisions eligible for blame are pretty limited.

It's one thing to change styles because it's 20 degrees and windy outside and you're worried about throwing the ball. But indoors? Only on the last drive did the Patriots look like the Patriots. I will never understand what took so long. Ever. I will never understand it.

You coach screwed up his game plan. And also stole some guy's wife, which is even worse.

I wasn't even that depressed after the game, just confused. What happened to the remarkable offensive juggernaut from the first three months of the season?

That juggernaut relied on Brady having ample time in the pocket to make reads and let guys get open.

Where did their arrogance go? What happened to their swagger?

Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and the rest of the Giants defense took that swagger away from them and subsequently used it to beat Brady's face in.

Did the never-ending attention and nonstop pressure eventually get to them?

Not the kind of nonstop pressure you're referring to, but yes. Why is it so hard for people like Bill to understand that sometimes things happen because of very tangible factors? This wasn't a magical mystical performance by the Giants, or a magical mystical letdown by the Patriots. They got flat out beaten on the field.

For most of Sunday's game, it seemed the Patriots were playing not to lose. And maybe they were.

Maybe an even more epic cliche than "this is what sports are all about."

I will say this: Even though Friday's column will probably earn the No. 1 spot on the "Columns I Wish Weren't In My Archives" list before everything's said and done, Super Bowl XLII inadvertently proved my point.

Your point, all season long, has been that the Patriots were an unstoppable juggernaut that was playing with otherworldly levels of teamwork and dedication. Your prediction in the very same column you reference here was that the Patriots would win by 25. You also pointed out how hard it is to go 19-0 many different times, but don't act like you saw this coming. You were blindsided. Admit it. It's like the stunning final scene in "Sleeping With the Enemy."

To finish 19-0, you really need a perfect storm of things to fall your way -- not just off the field when you're building the team, but for 19 straight games over the span of five months, and on top of that, the pressure builds every week because of the streak, so it's inevitable you'll wear down in the final two months. I don't think we'll ever see a 19-0 team. If this particular Patriots team couldn't pull it off, nobody's doing it.

I hope the Colts, Jets, or some other team Bill hates does exactly that in 2008. I hope they subsequently trademark "19-0," "We didn't blow it in the Super Bowl like the 2007 Patriots," and "Mercury Morris is a big dickbag."

5. Much like the Patriots, I choked heading into the weekend: Somehow, I forgot to pack my good-luck Wes Welker jersey and headed to Sunday's game without any Pats gear. Originally intent on buying a Pats hat at the game, once I saw all the jerseys in the stands and in my section, I made the executive decision to fine myself $85 dollars (the price of a white No. 81 Moss jersey at one of those merchandise booths). You can currently find that jersey sitting at the bottom of the garbage can in my hotel room. I might take it home and burn it. I haven't decided yet.

Bill's really taking big steps here to erase the quasi-racist reputation of the Boston area. I mean, Moss only caught the go-ahead touchdown. Why couldn't he be more like WEL-KAHHHHHHHH?!?!?! Obviously I'm not saying Bill is racist himself because of this superstitious reaction, but it's little anecdotes like this that magnify the perception that Massholes hate minorities. Go to Kissing Suzy Kolber and look through the archives from the past few weeks. You'll see how that perception manifests itself on teh blogopages.

7. From the "Now It Can Be Told" department: Everyone blamed me for "jinxing" the Patriots two weeks ago after I posted my Dr. Jack Breakdown of the '86 Celtics and the '07 Pats. (And by the way, I think we have a final verdict. And then some.) Well, a significantly more blatant jinx had already happened: For my father's 60th birthday present at the end of November, I bought him a flight from Boston to Arizona and got him a hotel room and a ticket for Super Bowl XLII, although we took great pains to say "Going to the Super Bowl" instead of "Seeing the Pats in the Super Bowl" on every level. One week later? The Baltimore game happened. Yeah. Exactly. I didn't even write about this because I didn't want to get murdered by a deranged Patriots fan.

You also shouldn't have written about it because nobody cares what you buy your dad for his birthday. We've been over and over this. Please stop.

8. Finally, can you guess the last thing we heard as we were walking (OK, hustling) out of the stadium right after the final play? That's right, it was the sound of euphoric Giants fans chanting, "Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one!" Yes, it's safe to say the Boston-New York rivalry has been taken to new heights. As a tennis umpire would say, "Advantage, New York."

Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one!

I can still hear them. I will always hear them.

Awesome. If the Yankees win the World Series this fall, I just might have to shift my hatred back towards New York, where it was until 2004. Can't we sell both cities to Canada or something? Maybe try to detach everything northeast of Philadelphia from the rest of the country and let it drift out into the Atlantic? (We're keeping upstate New York because Niagra Falls is fucking badass. Have you ever seen that shit? With all the sun and natural landscape, it's a blogger's worst nightmare. But I was in awe nonetheless.) Just kidding, of course. I love all our readers from the NYC/NJ/New England area. You guys are awesome. Just understand you're not special, that's all I ask.

Overall, I'm not going to lie. I somewhat struggled to get through this column and come up with good material for all of Bill's points. What he wrote, compared to how he's been since September-ish, just wasn't that bad. Which proves a point that thousands of bloggers have made about Bill in the past three years or so- he's infinitely more tolerable when his teams suck. I mean, his references and style are still repetitive. I wouldn't call him a "good" writer, per se. But he's definitely much less worthy of hatred or mockery when he gets knocked down a few pegs by a painful loss or two. This leaves me in a bit of a tight spot- would I rather Boston teams keep winning so Bill keeps alley-ooping me shitty material? Or would it be better for Boston teams to suck again, allowing Simmons to turn back into his old inoffensive self?

I think you can guess which option I'd prefer. After all, Gene Wojceichowski doesn't have any visible team allegiances, and he writes like three columns a week.

How Do You Write a Really Bad NFL "Week In Review" Column?

If you're CBSSportsline's Clark Judge, you approach this challenge by simply copying Peter King's "10 Things I Know" format. And somehow, through pure determination and perseverance, you manage to do an even worse job than King himself.

1. If the NFL can move the regular season to London, it can move the Super Bowl to November. And it just did. Because that's what next Sunday's Patriots-Colts game is.

Awful, awful segue.

Forget about the NFC. It doesn't matter, and New England and Indianapolis just reminded us. They just torched two of the conference's top clubs by a combined score of 83-14. Uh-huh, the Colts and Pats are that much better than everyone.

This week the Panthers and Redskins got their balls handed to them by the Colts and Patriots. True. Unfortunately for Clark, neither the Panthers or Redskins are among the 3 best teams in the NFC. (Cowboys, Giants, Packers, not necessarily in that order.) Sure, Indy and New England look leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else. But beating up on maybe the 4th and 5th best (with Seattle in the mix) teams in the NFC doesn't prove that the Super Bowl will be a joke. NE's win over Dallas two weeks ago is more telling, but that game was closer than the final score indicates. Let's not go writing off the biggest sports television event of the year more than 3 months before it happens just yet.

(Besides, everyone knows you only watch it for the commercials anyways! Those commercials are so clever. I love it when animals act like peoples.)

2. So the Patriots leave Tom Brady in the fourth period to throw another touchdown pass, this time making it 45-0 with nine minutes to go. Great. My only question is: Why didn't they try an onside kick afterward?

Incorrect- the dumb joke we were looking for was, "Why didn't they go for two?"

4. That, folks, is not how you create interest in the NFL overseas. (That's all Miller includes for this item)

Want to elaborate on that? No? Do you mean because the game involved one of the worst teams in the league? Because it was played in a torrential downpour? Were either of these factors, which amount to 95% of the reason the game was boring, under the control of the league office? Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending the idea of trying to force football (no, real football... not dumb footvaginasoccer) on European people. It's a bad idea. I really don't think they care. NFL Europe folded for a reason. Still, this particular game mostly sucked because the Dolphins sucked and the weather sucked. If the Jacksonville/Tampa Bay thriller had been played in Londonville instead of the pissbucket of an excuse that was New York/Miami, Scott's campy little one liner wouldn't work nearly as well.

6. This is why passer ratings are overrated: The Tennessee Titans' Vince Young ranks among the league's bottom feeders when it comes to quarterback numbers. Except this one: Wins. All Young has done is win 10 of his past 13 starts. I keep saying it, and I'll say it again: Not a great quarterback; a great leader.

Where to begin, where to begin... shall we start with the fact that Tennessee's defense is 5th in the league in yards per game allowed? That they're 7th in points per game allowed? What about the possibly significant fact that they're 3rd in takeaways? No, I'm sure none of that has anything to do with their 5-2 record in 2007. How about we break down their offensive production instead: They're 3rd in rushing yards per game (only a small portion of which is due to VY... his rushing is way down compared to last year). But what's that? They're 29th in passing yard per game? Young has 3 TDs and 6 picks? And averages less than 6 yards per attempt? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. This is all about correlation, not causation. The Titans have won a lot of games recently; Vince Young is their QB; therefore, Vince Young is a great leader. Makes sense to me! Screw you, Titans defense and RBs. You're a bunch of tiny-dicked pansies.

To explain Clark's reasoning in baseball terminology: Vince Young = David Eckstein. Carson Palmer = Alex Rodriguez. Which one would you rather have on your team- the guy who just flat out wins, or the selfish guy who only cares about regular season stats? I thought so.

7. New England's Mike Vrabel scores a touchdown, has three sacks and forces three fumbles. Any chance he can be the AFC Offensive and Defensive Player of the Week?

With a whole whopping 1 catch for 1 yard, he's going to have a hard time pulling down the first of those awards.

9. There is nobody worse than St. Louis, and I'm not talking about the Rams' winless record. I'm talking about their record of guarantees. The way I see it, Randy McMichael, Steven Jackson and Isaac Bruce are forbidden from dressing as Nostradamus on Halloween. Oh, and remind me not to consult them for predictions on Indy-New England.

Buh-ZING! Facial on you, St. Louis players who have been trying to fire up your teammates by predicting wins. I also really like the "There's nobody worse than (subject)... and I'm not talking about (what you expected me to be talking about)!" style of joke. Truly the work of a master comedic craftsman. I think the last time I saw one of those pulled off well, it was in a Jackie Harvey column. And he did it completely by accident.

11. No, I don't think the Eagles will press Dallas or the Giants in the NFC East, but this is why I would be careful before burying them: There is no one better at overcoming adversity. They won two division titles without Donovan McNabb. They won the NFC Championship Game without Terrell Owens. They were 5-6 a year ago and went on to win the division.

"I am burying the Eagles. However, I hesitated briefly before doing so because of things that happened in the past with different players on the roster and under different circumstances." Nice job by Judge hedging his bets here- if the Eagles fade and finish 4-12, he told you so. On the other hand, if they suddenly catch fire and finish 10-6, he told you so.

12. Al Davis, move over. If New England wins another Super Bowl, the Dolphins' Randy Mueller can be measured for a ring, too. He's the genius who traded Wes Welker to New England. It's bad enough to deal him within the division, but to deal him to the division champ? I would like an explanation.

Welker in 2006: 67 catches for 687 yards, 1 TD
Welker so far in 2007: 56 catches, 613 yards, 6 TDs

Hmmmm... I wonder what's responsible for those numbers getting bumped up so much? Could it be that there are massive talent and coaching discrepancies between the 2006 Dolphins and 2007 Patriots? No, that's a silly dumb fart of a thought. I'm sure Welker would have those exact same numbers were he still in Miami, running routes for Cleo Lemon.

Side discussion: If Tom Brady and Derek Jeter had a baby, hot would he/she be? How clutch? Which one of the two of them would actually carry the baby during pregnancy? Discuss in the comments.

15. From the You Had to Be There Department: The Chargers had 21 first-half plays and 35 points. What's more, they led 28-3 after 20 minutes after running off 11 plays and holding the ball 5:35. Yes, you can start taking these guys seriously again.

I have no idea why this is from the You Had to Be There Department. I read about the game, looked at the box score, and got a very good understanding of how great San Diego played. Furthermore, with wins over the Bears, Broncos, Raiders, and Texans (combined record: 11-19) and losses to New England, Green Bay, and Kansas City (who stack up at 17-4), I don't think it's time to climb back on the Charger bandwagon just yet. Let's see how they deal with Indy and Jacksonville before we start dry humping them.

Well that's about it for this week, but Clark's little column here has the potential to be a regular feature here on FireJay. Gregg Easterbrook's ego is so crushed from the abuse I've been giving him all season that he didn't even publish a TMQ this week! (So far.) That's why I'm excited Judge is stepping up to the plate for me. I mean... I've got to bitch about someone's bad NFL analysis, don't I?