What?

Tim Hasselbeck on SportsCenter discussing the Eagles' game plan this weekend while playing against the Saints' productive offense:

"They're not going to be able to match the Saints point-for-point"

So... they have no chance of victory?

Gregg Easterbrook: Wrong like always

Zack Galifinakis has this bit called "The Pretentious Illiterate." In the bit, Galifinakis listens to an argument about literature, then responds by slowly taking off his glasses and saying "And I already told you, I can't read."

That's essentially how Easterbrook responds to all the logical fallacies of his punting/field goal theory.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 1: With Carolina leading 13-7, New Orleans faced fourth-and-2 from its 39, and punted; three snaps later, Carolina was leading 20-7. The Saints have the league's No. 1 offense statistically, averaging 6.3 yards per snap. What's the point of having a high-powered offense if you're afraid to try for 2 yards? Toward the end of the contest, trailing big and desperate, the Saints twice went on fourth-and-short and twice missed. A small gamble when the game was still close might have changed the outcome.

Yeah that might've helped. Just like if they'd gone for it on 4th and 2 and didn't convert, it might've helped to punt it away there. Congratulations on knocking over that straw man.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2: With Les Mouflons leading 24-7 in the third quarter, Dallas lined up to go for it on fourth-and-1 from the St. Louis 24. The Cowboys jumped offsides, and the TV announcers immediately said, "Now Dallas has to kick." No you don't, go for it anyway! So what if it's now fourth-and-6 on the 29, Dallas needed to recover the momentum and create some hope. Instead, the Boys' field goal unit came on and the football gods, disgusted, pushed the try wide. Before the kick was launched, TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.

FACT: Gregg Easterbrook constantly bandies about the average NFL play from scrimmage gaining 5 yards. Now he says Dallas should've gone for it needing 6 yards.

FACT: Dallas was down 3 scores. Regardless of whether they kicked a field goal or scored a touchdown, they would be down by 2 scores.

FACT: The footbal gods had nothing to do with Nick Folk's missed field goal.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 3: Scoring to pull within 48-34 of Chicago with nine minutes remaining, Minnesota did not onside kick, but rather kicked away. Scoring to pull within 48-41 with three minutes remaining, Minnesota kicked away again. Needless to say, the Vikings lost.

Kicking away with 9 minutes left clearly hurt Minnesota's chances to win because they'd pulled to within 7 points with 3 minutes left. In addition, Minnesota got the ball back with 1:06 left, and would've had nearly a full 2 minutes if their defense had held Chicago to only 4 downs.

Conversely, if Minnesota kicks onside and Chicago recovers, they're about in field goal range already, and even if they don't get a field goal, the Vikes are going to be pinned somewhere behind the 20 yard lune.

BONUS TMQ BULLSHIT

Sportsmanship Watch: Luke Thompson of Winfield, Kan., notes that last month, Tulsa led Central Arkansas 55-34 with a minute remaining yet was frantically throwing the ball, trying to run up the score. On Saturday, Tulsa beat UTEP 77-35, frantically running up the score: ahead 63-35 Tulsa was still throwing deep, and ahead 70-35 in the fourth quarter, continued throwing. Tulsa wants the media to notice its team. Hey Tulsa, here's some media notice -- for bad sportsmanship. Here's how it is done with class: USC was leading 48-0 at the end of the third quarter against Washington State, and did not attempt a fourth-quarter pass.

1. The BCS system rewards teams for lopsided victories you fucking asshat.
2. USC had a shut out going against WAZU and had a bigger lead than Tulsa had on any of those opponents. Also, USC intercepted a pass in the end zone with 12 seconds left and tried to run it back for a touchdown.
3. USC was beating Ohio State 35-3 in the 4th quarter and attempted 7 passes. Eat shit.

Scoop Jackson gets into the Olympic spirit by writing a horrendous Olympic themed article

There's this theory I learned about in college called "The Banality of Evil," that essentially says that that most people in the world who do evil things (ethnic cleansing, drug cartels, Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson movies) are completely oblivious to the lack of morality in their actions.

Therefore, I present to you Scoop Jackson as proof of my thesis: "The Banality of Stupidity."

USA basketball is missing something ... or someone

They looked good, didn't they? Flashes of '92, right? Like we 'bout to get that ol' thing back.

I would never phrase it that way, but yes.

But something still doesn't feel right, right? There's still something wrong, isn't there? It's like something is missing, but you just … can't … put … your … finger on it.

Perhaps it's the fact that the '92 team had 10 of the top 50 NBA players of all time, along with the fact that basketball wasn't the international sport it is today. A wild guess; I know.

Let me help. There was a point in the third quarter of USA's final pre-Beijing tune-up against Australia (which was playing without Andrew Bogut, mind you) when Chris Bosh took over. The U.S. lead had fallen to single digits. But, off a pass from Dwyane Wade, Bosh came down the lane doing his best David Robinson impersonation and threw one down.

David Robinson: previously the only American to take a pass and dunk it in Olympic competition.

But after that, the Australians scored with ease. And often. They never flinched; they acted as if Bosh's dunk was nothing more than two points.

When in reality the dunk had been worth 7 points because Bosh had taken off from an NBA JAM Hot Spot.

Another national team, scared by us in a basketball game? Not anymore. Not even facing the best team the U.S. has been able to assemble in eight years.

Not like in '92 when it was routine for the US's opponents to sneak out of bathroom windows during halftime.

But Chris Bosh is not the issue here. He just exposed the void that might just hinder the Redeem Team's quest for gold. What's missing on this team is an intangible that, on his best day, Bosh (or Dwight Howard, or Carlos Boozer, or anyone else on the team) can't provide -- the intangible that would make this feeling that's gnawing at the bottom of our stomachs like leftover ceviche go away.

Please note that he says that the team is missing an intangible.

On the eve of the opening ceremony, it's too late to do anything about it. This team has other concerns too -- like occasional apathetic defense, intensity lapses and not having anyone besides Michael Redd to drop needles from 30 feet or anyone besides Tayshaun Prince to lock down a player like Spain's Juan Carlos Navarro if he gets warm. But what's missing is …

Amare Stoudemire.

So apparently Amare Stoudemire is now a phantasm because he can be listed as an intangible. What other wisdom can you impart upon us, oh brilliant basketball sage?

Even though Chris Anstey of Australia believes the fear factor is still there ("I think a lot of teams get intimidated by that [U.S.] team"), the truth is, if the intimidation factor was there, none of us would have that feeling in our stomach.

Even though there's evidence to prove the intimidation factor is still there, it actually isn't because I get nervous (and therefore, assume everyone else does) while watching the games.

Nothing against anyone on this squad, but Stoudemire -- who elected not to participate, concerned about the health of his surgically-repaired knees -- is the only player who was available to the United States who could have taken that feeling inside of us away. His presence, his demeanor, his anger, his power, his meanness, the messages he sends when he plays … that's what is missing.

How could he be so selfish? He led the NBA in MORP (Meaness Over Replacement Player) and Messages Sent During Games, but he didn't come to Beijing. Benedict Stoudemire if you ask me.

The U.S. team is made up of great players, but none are mean. They're all too nice. No one is going to elbow an Angolan in the chest for no reason.

Nor should they have to.

There's no one who makes other teams think twice about whether they really want to win; that player who can knock the will and ambition out of a team without throwing a punch;

Like Stoudemire did to his own team in the '07 playoffs when he got suspended for leaving the bench during a fight.

that player who can do something on offense that is so intimidating to the opposing squad, the U.S. doesn't have to play defense for two or three trips down the floor because its opponent is so shook up.

Not even Professor Xavier has that sort of mental dominance over people, so please shut the fuck up already.

Had that been Stoudemire instead of Bosh on the other end of that pass from D-Wade against Australia, flying down the lane for a flush, that game is over. Shrinkage sets in on the other side. Their shots stop falling. Confidence exits their souls as if someone yelled, "Fire!"

No one in the world believes that would've happened, and for you to insininuate that it would is both negligent and insulting.

But after watching the U.S. get past Turkey and Lithuania like they were AAU squads, and then be challenged by Russia and Australia, it is glass-cubicle clear that once the games begin in Beijing, no one is going to be afraid of the U.S. team. Or anyone on it.

Except for the guys who already said that they were intimidated.

True, LBJ can go nuts. Kobe can lose his mind offensively. And those things may reduce an opponent's chances of winning.

Sure, the Redeem Team can score all the points they like, but will that intimidate the other team into losing? No, no, no, and more no.

But they won't crush an international team's spirit the way they do in the NBA. The Wizards and Spurs may be scared, but the world ain't.

Ready yourselves for this week's "Jack's Lesson on Logical Fallacies:"

IF Kobe can intimidate the Spurs and beat them in the Western Conference Finals
AND One of the Spurs best players is on Argentina (one of the better teams in the world)
THEN Kobe's intimidation factor is useless in the Olympics

BUT

IF Amare Stoudemire is so unintimidating that his team lost to the Spurs in the playoffs 2 years in a row
AND One of the Spurs best players is on Argentina (one of the better teams in the world)
THEN The US is considerably worse off without Stoudemire's intimidation factor

QED

Stoudemire's ability to do things by sheer force -- force no other international player, or any other player in the NBA for that matter, possesses -- could have been the difference between this team simply winning the gold medal and this team winning the gold medal while never having less than a 25-point lead after halftime. The difference between destiny and dominance. Redemption and resurrection.

The difference between tomatoes and the French Revolution. Ferarris and cell phone towers.

So as you watch this team go for the gold, pay close attention to what is missing. Visualize the difference Amare Stoudemire would've made. Not that we are looking for perfection, but we are in search of something damn close. And if we're looking for this team to re-establish our true place in the game, by having other nations straight scared of us when they have to go against us, then we may have to wait until 2012 -- when Team USA might be able to convince Stoudemire just how necessary he is.

Or the US could just play defense and unselfish offense, and let Stoudemire stay at home every year.

Because in this sport we call basketball,

Atencion! Si hables espanol, El Scoopo Jackon-o dice "Baloncesto."

in which we are trying to redeem ourselves, why just go for the gold when instilling fear is a much greater reward?

Because the gold medal means we won, and we're better than every other country at basketball. Amare Stoudemire didn't come, so we have no shot at the fear award anyway.

Please clear out your desk and remove all personal effects from your office as soon as possible.