Irony alert

We have a new definition for irony- "unfortunate, but moderately anticipated." Take it away, Jon Paul Morosi (MORE LIKE MORONSI) and sound byte artist Ryan Howard:

The Philadelphia Phillies are supposed to win the World Series. They have the Roys. They have Cliff. They have Cole. They just have to stay healthy.

Well here we are, still a week shy of St. Patrick’s Day, talking about how the Phillies can’t seem to stay healthy.

Ironic, don’t you think?

“I would guess so,” slugger Ryan Howard said with a rueful smile.

I would guess not. Both of you: get fucked.

Also fuck the Phillies and their fffffans in the fffffffface. What? Having a team where nearly every single major contributor (C, 1B, 2B, SS, 3B, LF, CF, SP, SP, SP, CL) is over 30 (really the only exception is Cole Hamels) ISN'T always such a great idea? Color me shocked! Of course, it's worth noting that Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, and Brad Lidge don't suck because they're over 30. They suck because they fucking suck and were terribly overrated to begin with.

Enjoy your 84 win season, Philadelphia.

Let's Just Change This Blog's Name to "Iron" Jay Mariotti

When an article's premise is that Justin Verlander is the best pitcher in baseball, you know you're in trouble. But here it is. (drumroll)

There is a touch of irony that Justin Verlander, the Tigers' staff ace, will enter his next scheduled start Friday night against the Pittsburgh Pirates with a career ERA of 3.90.

It's the same ERA Jack Morris posted during his major league career.

How is that ironic? They're nearly the exact same pitcher. Maybe if Justin Verlander were Bert Blyleven champion (and Jack Morris detractor) Rich Lederer and 3.90 were his average number of sentences per paragraph. But really, that would still be coincidental.

Oh in case you were wondering why Pat Caputo thinks Verlander's the best pitcher in the game?

Take any starting pitcher in baseball today. Who throws harder than Verlander? Who is bigger? Who combines it all with such a feel for pitching?

Nobody. In my opinion, Justin Verlander is the best starting pitcher in baseball today.

His ERA be damned.

Well then.

A New Low for "Irony"

To fucktarded members of the sports media, lots of things are ironic. Things that are coincidences are ironic. "Ironically, he played a really great game just one night after playing a really awful game!" Things that are interesting are ironic. "Ironically, this will be the first time he's played against his former team since they traded him to his new team for a bag of magic beans!" But tonight, as I listened to the Yankees/Red Sox game on WCBS radio while driving cross country via rental car (hey, YOU try finding something else to listen to on AM/FM radio in the middle of East Bumfuck County, Pennsylvania), I heard Yankees broadcaster John Sterling take "irony" to a whole new level.

Side note: hey Chris W, isn't the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry so rich and full of history?

Other side note: Sterling's broadcast partner is still Suzyn Waldman. I thought they fired her for crying on the air during a postgame show. OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. OF ALL... OF ALL THE DRAMATIC NON-FIRINGS I'VE EVER SEEN.

Anyways, here's what happened during the game: bottom of the ninth. Yankees down a run. Guys on 1st and 3rd, one out. Batter hits a weak grounder back to the pitcher, whose only play is to first. Now there are guys on 2nd and 3rd with two outs. John, your analysis?

And the irony of the situation is that a single will now win the game.

Wow.

The basic reality/facts of any given situation, as well as any cause/effect relationships you can identify in one, are now ironic. I was hungry this morning, so ironically, I ate breakfast. It was ironic that because Barack Obama won the Democratic primary race in 2008, he became the Democratic nominee for president. Ironically, getting into field goal range when you're down two with 0:01 left on the clock in the 4th quarter gives you a chance to win a game. (A FOOTBALL game on a FOOTBALL field, to be specific.) Thanks John.

Is there anything left that's not "ironic?"

[Note: I'm almost willing to imagine a scenario in which John was trying to indicate that before the productive out, a single would have only tied the game, but after, even though an out is a "bad" play, a single will now win the game. So in that sense the bad play had a good outcome. Which wouldn't really be ironic, in the context of baseball, but would be in the vague neighborhood of irony. Almost. I think it's about a billion times likelier, however, that he was just throwing the word around for the fuck of it. I dunno. If you want to defend him, go for it. I have my theory and I'm sticking to it.]

Peter King: Fat, Oblivious

So, there you are tubby. You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work a zoo, and stop bothering people.

Kerry Collins is back, and he's not going anywhere. I don't know how many quarterbacks in the NFL today can go on the road, play the most fearsome defense in football, take a mugging for three-and-a-half quarters, then drive his team 80 yards in 11 plays to win the game. How many, really? Four? Five? I don't know.

That's right, you don't know. Much like anything that's not related to Denny's Grand Slam menu, you're totally clueless. Here's a little bit of information: Joe Flacco was having a terrible day against Pittsburgh last week, then led an 80 yard TD drive at the end of the 4th quarter. Does that make him one of the four or five best QBs in the league? No, no, no, no, and no.

Also, Flacco and Collins stats from Sunday:

Collins: 17/32, 163 yds, 1 td, 2 int
Flacco: 18/27, 153 yds, 0 td, 2 int

Kerry Collins: HOF Class 20??

The Giants are a pretty deep team. What must Plaxico Burress have been thinking in Miami or New Jersey, if he had his TV on Sunday? There was his sub, Domenik Hixon, rushing and receiving for more than 100 yards in the first half against Seattle before going out with a slight concussion, and there were the Giants, crushing the Seahawks 44-6, with their best receiver serving a one-game suspension.

My guess is he was thinking, "Shit, I could've padded my stats to a ridiculous degree against this embarrassing excuse for a football team. Holy shit, look at that white guy in the secondary! FUCK!"

Seriously, is Peter King really that dumb that he can't deduce the following:

IF Team A has an epically bad defense
AND Team B has an above average offense
THEN it doesn't mean shit that the Giants scored 44 points against the Seahawks without Burress

The Fine Fifteen

1. New York Giants (4-0). This is not only a defensively intimidating team and offensively efficient team, but also a very deep team. Tom Coughlin suspends his best receiver for a game, and his plug-in guy, Domenik Hixon, probably the fifth receiver coming out of training camp, outgains Seattle 117-115 and out-touchdowns the Seahawks 1-0 in the first half.

This is a commentary on the Seahawks, not the Giants, you dumb fuck.

2. Tennessee (5-0). Best game by a quarterback with a 52.0 passer rating in a long, long time.

No, it was a shitty game by a guy who had a 52.0 passer rating, but his team managed to win in spite of him.

4. Pittsburgh (4-1). No team in the history of NFL byes needs a bye like the Steelers right now.

Wait, the Steelers have injuries to important players? That has literally never happened to an NFL team before. I also literally shit my pants when I read that last sentence.

9. Baltimore (2-2). Joe Flacco's quite a bright prospect. Joe Flacco worries the heck out of me.

Me: Hey Peter, do you think I should go to the beach today?
PK: Yeah, go for it. The beach is a lot of fun.
Me: Great, I'll go get--
PK: But the beach can also be really boring and not fun.
Me: Uh...thanks, brah.

c. I've nailed you a few times, Warren Sapp,

PROBABLY NOT THE ONLY NFL PLAYER UV NAILED, LOLZ!!1

h. Kyle Orton looks more and more like the answer for Chicago, at least temporarily.

So, in other words, he may or may not be the answer. You see, that's Peter King using his access to tell you things that you, the average slack jawed American, could never figure out.

4. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 5:

b. In Wisconsin, at 1:05 p.m. local time Sunday afternoon, the Brewers were down 5-0 and the Packers down 17-7.

20 years from now, we'll all be able to tell our kids where we were at 1:05 pm on Sunday October 5, 2008.

f. This isn't Delaware, Joe Flacco. The strength of your arm won't get the ball through defenders. They'll catch it here.

I get it Flacco sucked. He's not that great right now. Might not ever be. But he threw the exact same number of picks as your new man hero, Kerry Collins, so please at least be consistent, you fucking asshat.

b. One other dumb playoff baseball thing: During the White Sox-Rays opening game, TBS showed 2008 fights between the Rays and Yanks, then the Rays and Red Sox, and Harold Reynolds said this sent a signal that the Rays wouldn't be pushed around by the power teams of their division anymore. Presto! Division title. What crappola. The Rays have been fighting for years. They brawled with the Sox in 2000 and finished 69-92. They brawled with the Sox in 2004 and finished 70-91. They brawled with the Sox in 2005 and finished 67-95. If you're going to use clichés, at least make them true.

The irony is too much.

g. First two games of the BoSox-Angels series ended at 1:25 and 1:29 a.m., respectively. There's some East Coast love.

Angels season ticket holders should be required to skip work to accommodate Peter King, et all East Coast baseball fans.

i. You're the smart one, Bill Plaschke. You recognize Manny Ramirez quit on a great team once, and he'll do it again. In the first three innings Saturday night, Ramirez scored from first on a hard double to right, then tagged up at first base and went to second on a medium-deep fly to center field. I can guarantee you that in eight years in Boston he didn't do those two things in one season, never mind twice in one three-inning stretch.

Looking at game logs will no doubt prove Peter King right. Don't bother questioning the legitimacy of his claim.

l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.

Yep, that's the reason Brian is funny...because he is a maverick. Look out Dean of Cinema and Telvision Studies at USC, this guy's gonna eat your lunch...LITERALLY!