Back to the salt mines

Wow, I took some time off there.  That's what happens when you're a burnt out sports media blogger--sometimes you just have to disappear for a couple weeks and realize that no one really gives a shit whether you post anything or not.  That's just the impetus you need to get back in the game.  Lots of ground to cover here.

First of all, thanks to dan-bob for posting a couple things while I sat on my couch and watched TV rather my usual practice of sitting on my couch and watching TV while blogging.  That was the first time since November of 2010 that dan-bob posted twice in the same week.  Just goes to show you that he's still got excellent writing, analysis and joke-writing skills, but unlike me, actually has other things going on in his life that usually prevent him from exercising those skills here on a regular basis.  I know nobody cares, but since I'm on the topic of real lives of FireJay bloggers, not all that much has changed for any of us since 2007.  Back then we were recent college grads (except for PNoles, who was still in college) living all over the country who didn't have a whole lot of ideas as to what we really wanted to do with our lives.  Now, we are late 20somethings living all over the country in different places than we were back in 2007, still without a whole lot of ideas as to what we really want to do with our lives (except for PNoles, who is the only one among us who has a job that I'm pretty sure he likes and intends to keep for a long time).  Life is good!

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Second of all, Jay Mariotti has launched a new website, or is about to launch it, or something.  Fuck if I care to bother knowing the details.  All you need to know about it can be read here, and also, just know that we won't be expending any effort around here towards getting him "fired."  Such effort would be unnecessary, because that new website of his does not constitute a "hiring" of any kind.  He was fired by all of his employers several years ago, remains fired, and may he fuck off and disappear from the public consciousness as soon as possible.

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Third of all, I wanted to clarify some comments I made about the Biogenesis mess and its fallout.  The last thing I can afford to do is alienate any of our seven readers, so let me be very clear.  When I said this in the comments section to one of my short posts a few weeks ago:

But it's also kind of too late to undo A-Rod's career, and the mouth-breathing retards clamoring for JUSTICE AGAINST CHEATERZZZ could probably use a reminder that the guy who's pulling out all the stops to nail Rodriguez, including by jumping right over the top of the JDA and going to the CBA to find the sword he wants to use for a JDA-contemplated problem, is the same guy who has himself done tons of harm to the game in years past.

I did not mean to imply that everyone who wants to see users get in trouble is a mouth-breathing retard.  Not at all.  There is plenty of room for disagreement as to what level of outrage towards steroid users is warranted.  I do not harbor much of it (certainly way way less than the average baseball fan), but I do harbor a little of it, and I do want to see the players who get caught under the program agreed to by the league and the MLBPA get the punishments they have coming to them as laid out in the Joint Drug Agreement.  I just happen to think that many baseball fans (or perhaps I should say, many baseball fans who are vocal on the internet--if you've read anything online about the Biogenesis fallout in the last six months you've heard from them, I'm sure) and most baseball writers have a depressingly shortsighted perspective on the whole issue.  They can't seem to think any deeper than GRRRRR CHEATERZZ IS BAD and they think the solution is Draconian punishments like TAKE AWAY THEY'RE CONTRAX AND GIVE DEM LIFETIME BANZZZ, when even those steps will never come close to eradicating usage.  They also are offended at the fact that Braun escaped punishment in 2011/2012 by using the appeals process granted to him in the JDA, and offended at the fact that Rodriguez is using the appeals process granted to him in the JDA to play right now.  The idea of due process and collectively negotiated rights don't mean anything to these people--they just want heads to roll, and they want those heads to roll now.  That is why they are mouth-breathing retards.

I also happen to think that the 200+ game punishment Selig wants to give A-Rod when the JDA lays out very specific rules as to how steroid-using players should be punished, as well as his reported consideration of punishing A-Rod under the CBA instead of the JDA (to prevent A-Rod from playing while the appeal process happens), are both fucking laughable.  What a piece of shit Selig is.  Where does this guy get off?  Steroid use is a practice that the league not only didn't punish, but condoned and indirectly endorsed when big home run totals and the big revenue they led to were a financial life preserver for the league.  Now that Selig is coming to the end of his time as commish, he's going to get TOUGH ON CRIME because he wants to preserve his legacy.  Where was this response in 1998 and 2001, Bud?  What a fucking piece of shit.  I could riff for paragraphs on this complicated subject, but I'll wrap it up by saying that it's not that people who want to see users get punished are idiots for having that desire--it's that many of them (both professional writers and commenters) seem to 1) not be aware of Selig's full legacy as commish, with regard both to steroid use and other problems, and 2) think that the harshest possible response to a infraction is the right one (always beware of people like this, because they are usually fucking idiots).  So go ahead, be glad that the Biogenesis users got caught.  Just don't be the kind of person who lets the fact that Braun and Rodriguez are unlikeable people color your judgment as to whether those players deserve to use the appeals rights given to them in the JDA, and don't be the kind of person who thinks a lifetime ban is a sensible punishment for something that, well, let's just say A LOT of MLB players engage in, and have engaged in for years, often to the benefit of MLB.  The league should take steps to curb steroid usage but LOCK 'EM UP AND THROW AWAY DA KEYS is not one of them.

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Fourth of all, before disappearing into Sitonmyassville a couple weeks ago I promised I would take on Simmons's abominable NBA offseason HEY IT'S JUST LIKE AN 80s MOVIE MOST PEOPLE HAVE SEEN ONE OR ZERO TIMES column.  Good news!  I'm still going to do that, since it's not like he's going to write another article anytime soon.  Bad news!  I'm not really starting tonight.  I mean, I'll give you a quick taste.  But I don't have much time to spare right now after slogging through those incoherent ramblings about steroids.

When Alan Sepinwall tweeted about Midnight Run's 25th anniversary two weekends ago, I did a quadruple take. Twenty-five years? How could that be? Top Gun seems like it came out a million years ago. So does The Breakfast Club, so does Wall Street, Fatal Attraction, The Killing Fields, Coming to America, and every other memorable mainstream '80s movie. 

All of those movies seem like they came out during the 80s, which when Midnight Run came out.  Bill is the guy at the party trying to make his inability to perceive something that pretty much everyone can perceive into an interesting conversation.  "Man, can you BELIEVE that gas is like $4 a gallon now?  I just can't even fathom it!"  Bill Simmons is a fucking moron.

Midnight Run? It's an outlier, a timeless classic, our least-dated '80s movie.

Oh my God.

Watching it all these years later, only a couple things feel rusty: The cars, the lack of cell phones, Robert De Niro's cheesy leather jacket, the relentless cigarette smoking and, most strikingly, the fact that anyone could bring guns on airplanes like they were Altoids. Everything else feels fresh. 

So, excepting all of the styles, trends, societal cultural norms, technology and laws that are different, IT HASN'T AGED A DAY.  Basically, it's 100% fresh in the sense that it's a movie about criminals and cops, some of whom are good guys and some of whom are bad guys, and those kinds of movies still get made in 2013.

It's just as funny as it was 25 years ago, the action moves briskly, and the chemistry between De Niro (as bounty hunter Jack Walsh) and Charles Grodin (as the Duke, an on-the-lam accountant who stole $15 million from a mob boss) remains ridiculously good.

Charlees Grodin!  There's an actor who makes you think "This movie definitely isn't from the 80s--gotta be more recent than that, right?"

When I retweeted Sepinwall and added "Is this Moron Number One? Put Moron Number Two on the phone" (one of Dennis Farina's many classic moments), 

"Classic move by me to pick that quote, don't you think?"

my Twitter replies quickly filled with other Farina one-liners. That made me wonder if I'd found the right medium for my annual "Movie Quotes As Awards" breakdown of the NBA's busiest offseason month. Two days later, Farina passed away at 69. Now it had to happen.

Without that inspiration, who knows what flick Bill might have chosen to fill out his unimaginative and pointless "[sports event] is just like [movie]!" template this time around.

Quickly on Farina: I first remember him during Season 1 of Miami Vice, 

DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE THAT SHOW JUST ENDED????

when he played a wisecracking mob boss named Albert Lombard. By the end of his last episode, you liked him, you feared him, you laughed with him and, strangely, you wanted him to stay alive. (Retroactive spoiler alert: He didn't.) NBC jumped on the momentum by giving him the leading role in Crime Story, an innovative cop drama that never made it. Two years later, he stole every one of his scenes in Midnight Run and could have been nominated for an Oscar, but since Academy Awards voters don't respect or appreciate comedies, astonishingly, nobody from Run got nominated for anything.

I have never seen Midnight Run all the way through, but have seen the whole thing in pieces, and I can promise you that while it's an above average movie its lack of Oscar recognition is about as tragic as Zoolander's lack of Oscar recognition.

At that point, you would have bet anything that Farina was going to become a star 

And he did.

— a funnier James Gandolfini, basically — only it never happened. 

If you think Farina's resume is not that of a star, at least on some level (WHAT LEVEL OF STAR WAS FARINA?  IS JOE FLACCO ELITE?????), you know even less about pop culture than I already thought you didn't.  

That's Hollywood for you. Some people never find the right part, and there's more luck involved than you'd think. 

ONLY I AM ENOUGH OF A HOLLYWOOD INSIDER TO KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Once upon a time, David Chase agonized about casting Gandolfini or Michael Rispoli as Tony Soprano. Had Rispoli ended up with that role, there's a good chance we're remembering Gandolfini as the unforgettable bad guy in True Romance and that's it. Farina never landed his Sopranos-like break, but Midnight Run's Jimmy Serrano lives on and on. He's one of the best things in one of the most rewatchable, funny movies ever made. This column is dedicated to him.

Please, no one tell Farina's family about this.

Last note: No movie used more F-bombs more effectively than Midnight Run. As much as it kills me, I'm dashing out all those F-bombs for this column, just because of their sheer volume. 

And because I would never directly admit it, but I'm letting ESPN's desire to make Grantland as mainstream as possible subjugate my editorial authority.

And if you don't like it, I have two words for you.

I HAVE TWO IMPLIED WORDS FOR YOU THAT I WILL NOT BE SAYING DIRECTLY!

So in my last post

I called it "the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard" when Steve Wulf rhetorically asked if anyone else had rhetorically asked if the Yankees should disregard their 2000 and 2009 championships because Clemens and A-Rod played on those teams.  Well, Bill Simmons is not a man to let anyone else hold the title of "having said the stupidest fucking thing Larry B has ever heard" for long.  From a column published today about Duncan and the Spurs (which, by the way, is only the 50,000th "THE SPURS WERE NOT AND ARE NOT APPRECIATED FULLY" column written by anyone in the last 15 years, making it pretty clear that they are well appreciated):

The San Antonio Spurs picked Tim Duncan on June 25, 1997, about seven weeks before Matt Stone and Trey Parker launched their new animated series on Comedy Central. Sixteen years later, the Spurs and South Park are still chugging along like kindred spirits; in a goofy twist, Duncan's only fun nickname ("Timmaaaaaaaay") comes from that show. Both the Spurs and South Park generated so many classic moments over the years, they practically blend into each other now. They were lavished with critical acclaim while being overshadowed by more popular network shows (the Lakers and The Simpsons, respectively). Parker and Stone should have burned out years ago; Duncan should be washed up by now. Nope and nope. Every time they seemed ready to lose their relevance, they rallied back. You know, like right now.

And there you go.  THAT is now the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.  Congratulations, Steve Wulf.  You're off the hook for now.

Both the Spurs and South Park generated so many classic moments over the years, they practically blend into each other now.

Both the Spurs and South Park generated so many classic moments over the years, they practically blend into each other now.

Both the Spurs and South Park generated so many classic moments over the years, they practically blend into each other now.

Remember, everyone: sports are not actually sports.  Sports are pop culture are sports.  

No One Has Posted In a While. Better Pick on Simmons to Make Up for It, I Guess

As always, the standard Simmons post disclaimer applies: yes, I am extremely jealous of him. I only pick on him because I want to be him. In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room. Right next to my Bill Simmons poster, and a signed copy of every book he's ever written. In fact, as I type this post from my parents' basement, I'm wearing my Bill Simmons pajamas. Because he's the funniest and best sportswriter ever.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, a Boston reader named Zeke S. slapped some sense into me last week: "Simmons, you know that there are children who haven't seen a mailbag by you all decade!?!?!?"

Bill Simmons and the sycophants who enable him, everyone! As usual, I won't link his column. Find it yourself if you want to, and would rather read about pop culture than sports.

Re: the AFC Championship Game

What shocked me most: I was sitting there expecting Manning to come through … a player I always assumed would choke in big moments as recently as four years ago.

Of course you did. Because you're a stupid clod who is constantly making up rules, and manifestos, and guidelines, and fucking whatever else you can to help you try to predict the future. Because you're smart! There MUST be a formula out there for picking winners, there's GOTTA be one! If anyone can figure it out, it's you! There MUST be a way to help us predict with certainty what a QB will do every single time he faces a high pressure situation in the playoffs! The best part is that you never can quite figure out that there isn't a gambling manifesto to be written, and there isn't a way to be sure a QB will do X or Y under pressure. So you keep guessing and prognosticating, year after year after year. It's a complete and total train wreck. And I love it. I can't wait for him to fail at predicting anything and everything next NFL season. Looking forward to it already.

There's a bunch more stuff in here fluffing Manning (relative to Brees), and I'd love to include it in this post since the Saints just finished off the Colts, but that'd be kind of lame. If I were going to pick on him for that I should have done it before the game. Needless to say, his Super Bowl prediction was... wrong. Completely. And based on the idea that Manning, literally the only player in the game to make a crucial mistake, was too good to bet against. Now, am I saying Manning is a choky choke artist who always chokes under pressure because he's a choker who makes the Peyton face? Of course not. In general, I'd bet on him in a game against pretty much anyone. But if any team was going to beat his, it was one QBed by someone on his level, with an opportunistic defense that took risks to generate turnovers. I am smart and Bill Simmons is a tard. The end. Let's get on to the rest of the crap in his mailbag.

Q: Where does Mike Dunleavy stepping down rank in your greatest moments as a Clippers season-ticket holder?
--Dan, St. Paul, Minn.

You know what really killed Dunleavy? The 2009-10 Portland Trail Blazers. He couldn't rope Donald Sterling and L.A.'s front office into the whole "we'd be doing great if we didn't have all these injuries!" excuse for the fourth time in seven years as the decimated Blazers keep chugging along toward 50 wins while losing a key guy every other week.

Yeah, that must have been it. Comparisons between his team and another team in a different division dealing with a totall different injury-related situation. Sterling wasn't really focused too much on the Clippers and their problems, independently; he was a lot more worried about whether they were playing like the Blazers. Or the Bucks. Or some team with a bunch of injuries in the Italian league. This is like saying "Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions related to the JFK assassination, but you know what's really crazy about it? No one knows what Kennedy had for breakfast that day."

Q: Since the Clippers removed Dunleavy from coaching, I would love it if you could compare your jubilation, relief, and/or excitement to a movie scene. Are we talking "Shawshank" when Andy has made it out of the sewer pipe? "Goonies" when they rip up the contract? Lots of places to go here.
--Greg, Haddam, Conn.

More enabling. Die, Greg. I think a lot of my hatred for Simmons would fade if he didn't have such a giant army of loyal assholes encouraging him at every turn to keep doing the same tired and unimaginative shit he's been doing for the past X years. Say Bill, when the Patriots got buttfucked by the Ravens in the playoffs this year, could you compare it to a moment in Red Sox history between 1951 and 2003? And reference Jersey Shore in the same paragraph? Thanks. Signed, some jagmo from New Hampshire.

I found out about Dunleavy in a fairly memorable way -- while driving from Washington to Miami with my buddy House for the Audi Efficiency Challenge. (Note: Our 14-hour journey raised $20,000 for the Red Cross in Haiti. I drove the first 700 miles before coming out to a standing ovation.

THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME! EVERYONE LIKES ME! Where was the meteor that cheering crowd of Simmonsites so desperately deserved?

Q: Troy Aikman's dull monotone must be exactly the same as Hannibal Lecter talking to Miggs before he killed himself.
--Mike W., Louisville

SG: (dull monotone) You're exactly right, Mike.

Hey-ohhhh! Movie reference, right back at you, Mike! YOUR MOVE.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read.

Re: the possibility that Kevin Garnett is injured beyond repair, after he wasted his prime in Minnesota and only at the end of his run played for a decent team

Can you complain if you're a Celtics fan? Of course not.

But of course you're about to.

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months. Of course …

Of course you're about to complain.

Q: If you could go back in time "Lost"-style and fix the 2007 lottery so the Celtics landed the second pick, would you keep what happened (No. 5 pick, KG trade, 2008 title, everything else that happened up to now), or would you switch it so that they ended up with the No. 2 pick and Durant?
--Dr. Bill Simmons, Boston

Wow. When he can't find any readers to enable him, he simply enables himself with a pompous "pseudonym."

SG: OK, I fibbed that one. My dad asked me that on the phone this week. And we both came to the same conclusion pretty quickly: You'd have to go with Durant.

Of course. Because winning a title isn't enough. I'll give him this, though- he nailed that Durant/Oden thing. Probably. Almost definitely.

And if you remember, the 2007 Celts had a decent nucleus in place already (Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, the rights to Minnesota's No. 1) and easily could have turned a couple of those assets into Pau Gasol a couple of months later.

Gasol + Brian Scalabrine = double the number of white guys on the Celtics roster! That's really what this is about.

Q: How is it possible that Greg Oden beat out Ron Artest to become the first NBA player to have naked pictures show up on the Internet? If Vegas had odds on this, what would they have been? I'm thinking Artest at 6:5, Oden more like 38,901,257:1.
--Frank, Long Island

SG: Agreed. Total shocker. Although it did allow me to make the "they weren't kidding when they said Oden's legs were different sizes" joke. And look, I hate to cry conspiracy here, but have you ever noticed that every time a photograph or sex tape gets leaked of a naked male celebrity -- I have to put this gently -- it turns out that the guy had nothing to be ashamed of? Why aren't any of these guys ever built like the guy who pops out of the trunk in "The Hangover"? It's an amazing ongoing "coincidence."

Bill, you have a tiny penis. Everyone else just looks big by comparison. Man, I'm getting really lowbrow here. I'm not proud of it. But this is the kind of thing that happens when I realize no one has posted in a while, and I go to ESPN's front page to find something to pick apart.

SG: That's not a good sign for the Oscar hopes of "Avatar" -- that two reality stars ended up being the highlight of your night. But I'm glad you brought up "Jersey Shore."

Of course you are. You know nothing about sports outside of the NBA (which you don't know that much about in the first place) and the Red Sox/Yankees.

Q: Why is Brett Favre's career better than Kurt Warner's again? Every single statistic that is a "rate" favors Warner as well as career QB rating. Favre playoff record: 12-10. Warner playoff record: 8-3. Why do we stalk Favre's land manor every winter and we're going to let Warner go in peace?
--Dan, New York

SG: Because people care about Brett Favre.

Question comprehension fail.

Q: Remember when Rex Ryan was screaming at the officials during the AFC Championship Game (but we couldn't hear what he was saying)? This is what we yelled at the TV. "I SAID TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!" "WHO ORDERED THAT SALAD?!?" "SLOPPY JOES!" I would have to say that everybody watching across America probably said something to that effect. What else would have been funny?
--Neal, Seattle

SG: I'm going with "Get in my belly!!!!" or "Get … in … my … belllllllllly!"

Like that character from that movie that was relevant ten years ago! I'm pretty sure Bill is on the writing staff for those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Awful Parody Movie movies. LOL WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY'RE DOING IN THE ORIGINAL, BUT MORE SILLIER!

Q: Imagine if LeBron started a complete new trend starting in 2010 where he just decided, "Eff it, I'm winning a ring EVERY year" and signed one-year contracts EVERY YEAR for the biggest contender with cap space that could afford him. In true LeBron style, he begins a completely new type of superstar -- the "Superstar Hitman." It's as if we could have the 2010 LeBron sweepstakes EVERY YEAR! Can you imagine?
--Chris S., Brisbane, Australia

SG: Don't laugh -- you might see a modified version of that.

OK, there's no doubt that the NBA and its union are heading into some seriously choppy seas. There might be a strike, or a lockout, and there will certainly be a new CBA with some new rules in it. But this email reminds me of the column Bill put out last year in which he surmised that something like 10 NBA teams would contract within the next couple of years. Man, I need to go back and find that for a good laugh. Classic Simmons- take a somewhat interesting topic- make up a bunch of bullshit to go around it- come to a ridiculous conclusion which makes no sense and really exposes your ignorance and hubris- publish- profit. God I love America.

The Perfect Storm

I think it's pretty safe to say that almost everyone on this here blogowebs, at some point or another, can be annoyed with ESPN.com's A-list duo of Rick Reilly and Bill Simmons. I too can get fucking pissed off reading another Reilly puff piece about a kid with no arms or legs getting to play in a basketball game (as the basketball) or another stupid Simmons reference to Heidi from the Hills or about how the Pistons are the Cobra Kai and Doc Rivers has secretly been Mr. Miyagi all along. Individually, they are like your hot 2nd cousin, sometimes you think they might be worth checking out but you’ll just feel unsatisfied in the end. Now imagine that somehow they combined writing styles…. Sadly, you don’t have to imagine. Rick took care of it himself.

Rick has managed to smash two ultra-hip and current pop culture references into a gag-worthy puff piece about how Jay Cutler’s diabetes is giving children hope that their own diabetes isn’t a death sentence.

Shy and mop-haired, he led the league in shrugs. He looked like he had terminal influenza. The bags under his eyes had bags. And yet he'd sleep 10 hours at night and three more after practice. He lost 35 pounds in the 2007 season alone. He couldn't concentrate. He was starting to look like the biggest bust since Lindsay Lohan.

National Sports Writer of the Year Voter: “Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan. I remember her. She’s totally relevant to this point. By making bringing her up in the situation, I know that the writer of this article is up to date on current celebrity happenings. And by putting it in joke form, I know that he’s not taking this subject TOO seriously. Rick Reilly, please take another National Sports Writer of the Year Award, you’ve earned it.”

Also, is that joke supposed to be about her larger than average breasts (OH BABY) or that her career has gone in the wrong direction? Could it be both?

What Cutler wants to be is a normal QB, but he never will be. From now on, he'll have more holes than a Jessica Simpson movie.

National Sports Writer of the Year Voter: “My God! Another reference to pop culture! He has done it, Rick Reilly has done it. He has created an article so beautiful, yet funny, that I will forever stop reading sports articles. In fact, rename the ‘National Sports Writer of the Year Award’ the ‘Rick Reilly Award for Heartwarming/Funny/Hip Sports Writing’.” (Seriously though people, has 11 of those things. ELEVEN!!!)

If I were Simmons, I’d watch out. If Reilly can continue writing boring puff pieces, AND combine them with horrible pop culture references, Simmons will be totally obsolete… and our society will never be the same.