ThMTMQR: Greggggggggg returns, continues to write garbage

As the draft approaches, here's an incredible insider tip regarding team needs -- everybody needs everything.

You know, for being such a pretentious know-it-all snob, Gregg is incredibly anti-intellectual.  A lot of his analysis comes down to "The people who make their living playing/coaching/managing sports are complete idiots!  Only I have the recipe for success, and it more or less comes down to putting no thought whatsoever into the way you play/coach/manage."  This bit is a great example.  "You might read some draft analysis that says the Browns are in the market for a QB.  DON'T BELIEVE IT!  The reality is that everyone needs everything!  Trust me, I'm smart."  I think I have made this pretty clear: I find draft analysis to be insufferably tedious and obnoxious.  So you know that if I'm defending the usefulness of draft analysis, Gregggggg must really be acting like a major league butthole.

Those thumbnails of team draft needs? Each one should read, "Needs: QB, RB, FB, WR, TE, OT, OG, C, DE, DT, ILB, OLB, CB, FS, SS, P, K, RS, SPT."

No.

Between the size of NFL rosters, injury risk and salary cap turnover, even the best teams annually seek reinforcements at nearly every position. 

Yes, draft analysis is so much more fun if you take the meaning of the word "need" literally.  Huzzah.

Consider the defending champion Baltimore Ravens. Between old guys leaving athletics (Matt Birk and Ray Lewis), free agents whose contract offers the team lacked cap space to match (Dannell Ellerbe, Paul Kruger and Cary Williams), a trade to avoid a cap issue (Anquan Boldin) and departures for personality reasons (Ed Reed and Bernard Pollard), the Super Bowl winners have vacancies at eight of their starting positions. And they were the best team of 2012!

How fascinating!  One might even say that the Ravens have needs at the positions those guys play, but lesser or non-existent needs at other positions, like QB and RB.

What NFL team is totally set at quarterback? 

Probably the Broncos, Giants, Patriots, Ravens, Saints, Packers, Falcons, Panthers, and to a lesser extent, the 49ers, Lions, Redskins, Cowboys, Steelers, and a few other teams.

The Broncos, Giants, Patriots, Ravens and Saints, all with future Hall of Fame starters, are unsettled at backup. 

First of all, lol @ Flacco as a future HOFer.  I'm not a Ravens hater or anything but let's tap the brakes on that one.  Second of all, if by "unsettled" you mean "these teams don't have a surefire NFL starter caliber backup, so there's going to be a dropoff if their starters get hurt," yes, thank you so much for the analysis.  I'm sure the Saints are spending a good chunk of their pre-draft time wondering just how they can find a better backup for Brees than Chase Daniel, because inadequacy at backup QB is why they missed the playoffs last year.

And those are the strongest squads at quarterback -- don't even think about the grim situations at the Bills, Cardinals or Jaguars. 

It's almost like some teams need QB help more than others, making "draft needs" a subject worth thinking about!

Maybe the Forty Niners are totally set at offensive line -- maybe. 

Is that you, Peter King?

Maybe the Falcons don't need anybody at wide receiver -- maybe. 

They don't.

What NFL team is totally set at offensive line, linebacker, running back, defensive back, at any position?

Shut the fuck up.

Annually, even winning NFL teams look to replace many players based on injury, age, the salary cap and the endless search for better performance. So ignore those "team needs" breakdowns. 

Yes, if you are a complete fuckass, ignore those, because deep down you know the Saints will probably trade up in the draft and take Geno Smith.

At draft time, everybody needs everything.

NEVER BLITZ!  NEVER PUNT!  WHEN YOU'RE AHEAD, RUN UP THE MIDDLE FOR NO GAIN UNTIL THE GAME ENDS!  DON'T DRAFT FOR NEED!  SIT BACK AND WATCH THE LOMBARDI TROPHIES PILE UP!

Draft time means such nonsense as NFL scouts and sports radio obsessing over hundredths of seconds. 

Well he's not really wrong about that, except that he's still wrong, because it's not like that shit doesn't matter at all; it just doesn't matter nearly as much as Mel Kiper and the fat guy in the Steelers jacket sitting alone at your local sports bar at 11 AM watching the combine think it matters.

See below for TMQ's annual lampoon of absurd precision. And draft time means the annual Tuesday Morning Quarterback mock of mock drafts. Everyone's got a mock draft -- only TMQ mocks the mock drafts!

Watch out, Andy Kaufman!

For a decade, one entry on my mock of mock drafts annually read, "Los Angeles Clippers, projected trade. It makes no difference whom the Clippers draft, and it never will." Now the Clips have won their division, besting the cost-no-object Lakers. Didn't see that coming! 

Who would have thought that a team with two all stars and a solid supporting cast could win anything?

What NBA team takes over the mantle of draft futility? See below.

"Can't wait!"

-no one

1. Kansas City. Carl Brewer, mayor, Wichita, Kan. Wichita State made the men's Final Four while the mega-hyped University of Kansas team watched at home. 

Too many GLOREE BOY five star recruits on Kansas's squad!  Not enough walk ons!  That was the reason they lost in overtime to a team that made the championship game.

2. Jacksonville. Errol Flynn, actor. The only person whose mustache is more recognizable than the mustache of Jags owner Shahid Khan. 

More outdated than "Godfrey Daniel!"?

3. Oakland. Lindsay Lohan, former actress. If she did her court-ordered rehab at the Raiders' minicamps, at least the judge would know where she was.

Not to be outdone by Reilly, here's Gregg with an awesome Lohan reference of his own.

4. Philadelphia. Vera Wang, couturier. Already redesigning the micro-fashions of the Eagles cheer-babes, Wang could add an Oregon Ducks look to Eagles' players. Say, 16 different helmet-and-jersey color combinations involving mint, aureolin and vermilion.

Does he think that's a joke?

5. Detroit. Theo Tonin, imaginary mobster. Leader of the Detroit mob, Tonin is the Big Bad of the hit series "Justified." Considering the condition of the Detroit economy, it's hard to see why mobsters would focus on that city. 

Gregg might not know this, but there's been incredible corruption in Detroit's government for years.  There's obviously money to be made.

Plus, Detroit public officials have already stolen everything that wasn't bolted down. 

Ah, ok, he did know about that--he's just a fucking moron who can't connect the idea that people are stealing things in a city to the possible desire by organized crime to be present in that city.

6. Cleveland. Randy Newman, composer. He just made Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite not performing rock.

Again, like the Vera Wang thing, not sure if the angle here is comedy, but I doubt it could be anything else.

7. Arizona. Hanna Barbaric, Surly Gurlies. She has the best pun name in the Arizona Roller Derby -- think Flintstones. The listless Cardinals could use some roller derby spirit.

Wichita spirit!  Roller derby spirit!  That's what bad teams need, more spirit!  And an equal amount of help at every position!

9. Jersey/B. Rex Harrison, actor. He could rep in for Rex Ryan and belt out "I Could Have Blitzed All Night."

Errol Flynn's favorite tune!

11. San Diego. A 110-yard field. New head coach Mike McCoy, a former quarterback for the Calgary Stampeders, hopes to surprise opponents by using CFL rules.

Now there's a blurb that is definitely a wretched joke.  No doubt about it that time.

13. Jersey/B. Julie Andrews, Dame.  She could join Harrison in belting out a variation on "The Rain in Spain" with new lyrics including, "The passes by Sanchez fall mainly on the ground."

Holy shit.

17. Pittsburgh. Bruce Arians, head coach, Cardinals. Needing someone to scapegoat for their playoff loss at Denver, the Steelers cashiered offensive coordinator Arians -- who went on to a fantastic season as a fill-in coach at the Colts, then the top job at Arizona. 

WEASEL COACH!  WEASEL COACH!

P.S.: Steelers haven't been to the postseason since.

Yes, one whole season later, they have yet to return.  A Cubs championship-like drought to be sure.  I mean, fuck the Steelers, but fuck Gregg more than that.

18. Dallas. Undercover Brother, golf cart driver. Things go better if someone is actually driving the golf cart.

Well the joke is horrible and nonsensical, but that video will never not be funny, so points to him for that.  I'm surprised.

25. Washington Wizards (from Vikings, projected trade). It makes absolutely no difference whom the Wizards draft, and it never will.

I hope the Wizards go 82-0 next season.

In 2008, Whizzies management gave Gilbert Arenas a super-lavish guaranteed contract, then almost immediately began desperately trying to unload Arenas' deal. In the NBA offseason, watch for Whizzies management to give John Wall a super-lavish guaranteed contract, then almost immediately begin desperately trying to unload Wall's deal.

Probably won't happen, because Arenas was a 26 year old one dimensional shooting guard when he got his deal, and Wall is a 22 year old point guard who can score and distribute and has much more athleticism and raw talent than Arenas ever did.  Gregggggg is not wrong to dump on Wizards management, because Ernie Grunfield is a certified dumbass, but Wall is legitimately good.

26. Green Bay. Kevin Minter, linebacker, LSU.  Possible actual choice thrown in for variety.

/sitcom laugh track

27. Houston. A komodo dragon. These reptiles really bring it, unlike the Texans in their playoff wheeze-out.

"I want to write my annual 'mock the mock drafts' column... better find a way to work in this link about komodo dragons.  Hmmm."  /sniffs own fart

29. New England. Dorian Gray, gothic antihero. Tom Brady is the sole player remaining on the Patriots' roster from the 2002 Super Bowl win. Everyone else has limped away: Brady seems strangely youthful. Could there be a painting hidden in his moated California estate that is aging instead of him?

/tumbleweed

31. San Francisco. Ivan Pavlov, physiologist. He will attach electric contacts to Jim Harbaugh and administer a shock whenever Harbaugh fails to call runs at the goal line. By their next Super Bowl appearance, the Forty Niners will be ready to win.

The real problem during the last San Francisco drive in the Super Bowl was the Jim Harbaugh was wearing a coat.

32. Baltimore. Anquan Boldin, wide receiver. The Ravens may regret unloading this gentleman for a mere sixth-round draft choice. In the 2013 postseason, Boldin caught passes totaling 380 yards and four touchdowns. But he's 32 years old, get rid of the bum! Expect the football gods to wax wroth against the defending champions.

YES, VERILY THEY WILL WAX WROTH!  Keep in mind that Boldin, if retained, would have been both high drafted AND a megabucks glory boy.  Good move to unload him.

Now, with the mock drafts sufficiently and thoroughly mocked, onto the part of the column that will probably grind the gears of "Justified" fan Chris W more than anything has previously ground his gears.

Freeze! Keep That Script Where I Can See It! The Timothy Olyphant crime show "Justified" just wrapped its fourth season with deputy U.S. marshal Raylan Givens, the protagonist, having shot and killed at least 20 bad guys during the brief span of the series -- likely more bad guys than killed by all current actual U.S. marshals combined. "Justified" is offbeat and entertaining, 

Like TV shows are supposed to be.

especially episodes based on Elmore Leonard stories. The show deserves its status as a hit.

But...

"Justified" is praised for gritty realism: 

I don't watch it, but I don't think this is the main reason it is praised.  It is probably most often praised for being offbeat and entertaining (hey!), with good acting and good writing.

yet, where is it set? 

In Kentucky.  THAT'S NOT A REAL PLACE.

Viewers are told Givens works out of the Marshals Service office in Lexington, Ky., and is assigned to Harlan County, Ky. -- which is 150 miles from Lexington. Often Givens is in the office, then minutes later in Harlan County, then minutes later back at the office.

My God!  Somebody think of the children!  Contact the FCC and get this abomination off the air!  How dare the director choose to not show Givens driving for 3 hours every time he goes from Lexington to Harlan County!

Givens makes regular trips to a maximum-security penitentiary that is -- where? 

Oh, you're not going to beLIEve this shit.  If you're anything like Gregggg, which you aren't, it will boil your blood.

There are two federal high-security prisons in Kentucky, one about 140 miles from Lexington and the other about 125 miles away, plus a state high-security penitentiary about 225 miles distant. The prison Givens regularly visits is depicted as minutes from his office.

This is starting to remind me of Keith Law's review of Moneyball.  Keith Law is a dipshit, by the way.  Not sure I've mentioned that in the last few months so there's your reminder.

Of course time sense and travel distance often are distorted on television. 

But of course we can all agree they shouldn't be!  

Consider the midseason premiere of the goofy sci-fi show "Revolution," which posits that all forms of power have stopped working. In one episode, good guys camped in Culpepper, Va., learn of a sinister event about to occur in Philadelphia. They depart on foot to stop the bad guys, and arrive the next day. Culpepper is 215 miles from Philadelphia.

No wonder Revolution got such shitty ratings.  You could probably practically hear remote controls around the country being picked up when that horrible gaffe was revealed.

But since "Justified" strives for authenticity, 

I really don't think that's the case, any more that it is for any cop show (someone can correct me in the comments if I'm wrong and Justified actually does advertise itself as HYPERREALISTIC), but even if it is, fuck you.

time distortion stands out more in this series. 

Experts on Kentucky geography are rightfully livid.

In one episode Raylan, protecting a prisoner from the mob, must stall for 30 minutes until backup arrives. The structure of the episode is: Can Raylan hold off the bad guys for 30 minutes? In that half hour, Raylan drives the prisoner from an isolated country house to an old high school in town; then drives back to the country house; then drives back to the high school; then gets a railroad dispatcher to stop a coal train in precisely the right place so another marshal and the captive can board, meaning the prisoner is long gone via rail when the mob attacks. Raylan accomplishes all these things in 30 minutes.

At this point I'm out of snark and am just going to let him ramble.  Scroll through as you see fit.

Raylan needs to stall for 30 minutes because, viewers are told, "six Kentucky State Police cruisers are on their way" but cannot reach the town for half an hour. Is there really any location in Kentucky that has a high school but is 30 minutes from the nearest police car?

In the climactic sequence of "Skyfall," Bond rescues M in London, hops into his antique Aston Martin and drives to the Bond family castle in Scotland, there to make a last stand against the cackling super-villain. Scotland is a 450-mile drive from London. During the many hours Bond motors north toward the land of Scots, MI6 never sends backup to the castle, nor simply orders police to assist in protecting the head of a major British government agency. It seems all law enforcement officers in the entire United Kingdom have vanished. Maybe they were on their way to Kentucky!

The first season of "Justified" offered episodes in which actual Marshals Service activity was depicted. Then the semi-indie movie "Winter's Bone" -- launching pad for actress Jennifer Lawrence -- was released to acclaim for its depiction of modern hillbillies. "Justified" shifted toward the movie's aesthetic. Since "Winter's Bone," "Justified" has presented the Marshals Service as intently concerned with investigating rural drug dealing. This is a worrisome crime, but not one the agency has jurisdiction over. Protecting judges and courthouses, primary mission of the Marshals Service, has vanished from the show.

Season 4 of "Justified" depicts the events of about two weeks. In that short period, Raylan kills a fugitive who murdered Raylan's former lover; catches several other fugitives; exposes a corrupt FBI agent; rescues a kidnapped woman while killing the kidnapper; rescues a kidnapped woman while killing three kidnappers; is beaten by a thug and shot with a beanbag shotgun; is captured by hillbillies; kills a mob hit man by winning a fast-draw situation; arranges the death of a mob underboss by luring him into a trap set by a rival; has sex with two incredibly attractive women; finds and rescues a man whose foot is cut off; claims his father's body for burial; and locates a man whom law enforcement and the mob have been chasing for 30 years. That's some two weeks!

Can you imagine how little joy and fun this man gets out of life?  Living with him must be insufferable.  I don't wish ill on the man (other than that he be fired from ESPN), but seriously, what a depressing existence he must lead.  I kind of feel bad for all these posts at this point.

Absurd Specificity Watch: Americans seem to love hyperbolic claims of precision -- perhaps it makes us feel that science is more efficient than it really is. 

More anti-intellectualism, headed your way.

When Nate Silver of The New York Times forecasts, as he did on the morning of the 2012 presidential voting, that Barack Obama will win re-election with "314.6" electoral votes to "223.4" electoral votes for Mitt Romney, such numbers are received with gravitas -- as if the decimal places made them deep, rather than silly. 

Not at all the case, but go on.

In just two days, Obama's chance of re-election increased from "80.8 percent" to"83.7" percent . A claim of a "83.7" percent chance rather than "a good chance" 

Is something voters, observers and analysts might be interested in knowing?

is seen as turning the speaker into Mr. Spock, when actually ought to make readers giggle.

Oh, how we all shall cackle at the idea of being turned into Mr. Spock!  What the fuck?  TMQ just stinks.  It really does.  I'm going back to Simmons.

FMTMQR: I Keep Getting Older, but Gregg Stays Just as Dumb

I took a few weeks off from doing TMQRs. I'm sure all eleven of you noticed. Why did I take that break? Because each and every one of these is a descent into madness. Pretentious madness, which is the worst kind of madness. They take so much out of me. But I'm back. I'm back like pass wacky offenses- just ask Gregg, he'll tell you that it's hardly a new trend! The 1937 Akron Zeppelins of the National Foot Ball Association threw for over 8,000 yards in just 12 games. Now, on to the assholery.

Of the 88 players who started on championship Sunday, 19 were undrafted. Countless megabucks first-round draft choices sat at home drinking blueberry wheat microbrews and munching genetically modified maize chips while watching undrafted gentlemen perform on the big stage.

Yes. Given the fact that 28 teams were not playing on championship Sunday, there were in fact a large number of highly paid/highly drafted/both players not playing. Which just goes to show you- during any given season, there isn't much correlation between having been awesome at college football, and playing for a berth in the Super Bowl. Thank goodness we know. For what it's worth, there were also a bunch of assholes sitting at home on championship Sunday drinking warm Busch Light and eating stale rice cakes who were undrafted and currently play in the CFL.

Kids -- never give up! TMQ admires those players who excel despite being undrafted, waived, or both.

He suuuuuuure does. NO ONE APPRECIATES JEFF SATURDAY LIKE TMQ. NO ONE. I feel the need to balance out his bizarre love for high-achieving undrafted guys, so I've just recently decided that my new favorite players are JaMarcus Russell and Darius Heyward-Bay.

In cultural news, the other day I took a United Airlines flight from Toronto to Washington. Scheduled departure time was 10:03 a.m. -- not 10:00, 10:03. Throughout this column you'll find TMQ's annual review of absurd pseudo-precision.

What? A flight, which depends on an enormously complex system of timing windows for various air routes and air traffic control panels, can't just say "Hey we'll take off around 10 and probably land sometime in the afternoon?" The airline industry could use some streamlining if you ask me.

And how is that cultural news?

In overtime, the host Saints -- outplayed by the Vikings in every respect save turnovers -- faced a fourth-and-1 on the Minnesota 43-yard line. This is do-or-die -- you cannot give the ball back to the other team in overtime. Three times earlier in the game, New Orleans needed 1 yard for a first down, and all three times the Saints were stuffed. Sean Payton sent in a goal-line play -- one in which tailback Pierre Thomas leaps above the trench, as if at the goal line.

It was a good call. I liked it. Of course, you don't really see that play at the goal line very often. When players go airborne while carrying the ball, they're much more at risk to fumble. And on that play, Thomas very nearly did fumble. He lost the ball in midair, trapped it with his leg, and recovered before he hit the ground. Awesome play.

Why do coaches only call the leap at the goal line? Because the most it can gain is 2 yards; the runner crosses the line of scrimmage, then slams to the ground. That's fine at the goal line, but in the middle of the field, coaches want to maintain the chance of a long run.

You are wrong. You are stupid. You are clown shoes. ESPN should dock your next paycheck for that theory. That's worse than "Adrian Peterson is good because he doesn't look at defenders when he's running." Coaches almost never call that play regardless of where on the field their team is, again, because of the risk of fumbling. It's also high risk/high reward- there's no chance a leaping runner, if stuffed, will be able to pick up the first down on a second effort. Once they leave the ground, the end result of the play is essentially predetermined. Either they'll make it or they won't. Which isn't the same as when a RB dives into the line on 4th and 1- they might be able to bounce outside if they're stuffed initially. But really, this is more explanation than you need. Suffice it to say that Gregg is a waterhead.

In mid-December, nfl-forecast.com declared New England had an "88.78 percent" chance of winning its division, while Minnesota had a "98.38 percent" chance and Buffalo clung to a "0.04 percent" chance. Dallas, meanwhile, had a "50.3 percent" chance of reaching the playoffs.

How dare that website publish those decimals which its computer model easily calculated! They're wasting valuable internet bandwidth!

Shawn Fury of New York City notes of a Bulls-Nuggets contest, "With 0.6 seconds left, Chauncey Billups was fouled in a tie game. He made the first free throw, putting Denver ahead. He missed the second on purpose, figuring time would expire the instant the ball hit the rim. Nope.

Right, because there were 0.6 seconds left, remember? The amount of time it takes for a ball to make contact with a rim and then bounce off is probably something like .01 seconds. Because balls are bouncy.

Chicago grabbed a rebound, called timeout and the clock showed 0.3 seconds. The Bulls inbounded to Brad Miller, who catches the pass, pivoted and fired a shot. Chicago wins! Then the refs review it and say no goal, the ball was on his fingertips when time expired. So according to the NBA, in the span of 0.6 seconds, the Bulls could grab a rebound, call a timeout, throw to a player who catches the basketball, pivots and raises the ball to shoot. Imagine what he could have done with 0.7 seconds!"

Well, he could have won the game for his team. Why are you asking sarcastically? Apparently it took 0.3 seconds for the ball to hit the rim, be rebounded, and for the rebounder to call timeout. then it took something like 0.35 seconds for Miller to grab the inbounds pass and shoot it. The fact that it's so hard for some people to understand that those are actual amounts of time boggles my mind. THE NBA SHOULD USE AN ANALOG CLOCK WITH NO SECOND HAND OR MINUTE HAND TO KEEP TIME DURING ITS GAMES. THAT'S ALL THE HUMAN BRAIN CAN COMPREHEND. ONCE THE HOUR HAND IS ON THE NINE, GUYS, GAME'S OVER. AND NOT AN HOUR SOONER.

In Game 2 of the 2009 NBA Finals, time appeared to expire as the ball caromed out of bounds at the end of regulation. Officials Steve Javie, Tom Washington and Monty McCutchen huddled and put 0.6 of a second back on the clock, allowing Orlando a chance to win. NBA officials can sense three-fifths of a second!

When looking at instant replay in slow motion, they might be able to "sense" durations of time even smaller than that! Maybe even all the way down to 0.3 seconds! Madness!

Bills scout Tom Modrak told Mark Gaughan of the Buffalo News that college shotgun spread offenses make it hard to evaluate the pass-blocking ability of offensive linemen because, "The quarterback always throws the ball in 1.7 seconds." College quarterbacks can sense tenths of seconds!

They sure can, on some level. We've already had this argument. And I won. From November 2008:

This recent New York Times story about the work habits of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow and Florida offensive coordinator Dan Mullen is both unintentionally hilarious, and disquieting.

Irony. So much delicious irony in that sentence.

The hilarious part: "The hours Mullen and Tebow spend together are geared around 1.3 seconds, the amount of time Tebow has to make a decision after the snap." This is another instance of the sports world's nutty obsession with claiming to be able to sense tenths of seconds.

Yeah, everyone knows that defensive linemen and blitzing linebackers and safties only move towards the QB in full second increments. Why bother practicing for a 1.3 second release when the defenders will only arrive after either exactly 1 second or exactly 2 seconds? How silly is that? I mean, come on, Tebow. Why bother with precision? Like, for example, say you need to throw a precisely timed pass to a receiver who's running an out route. Shouldn't it be good enough to say "Hey, I'll throw it about 3 seconds after the snap?" I think so. I mean, how much more precise could you get.

While we're on the subject, I think it's worth pointing out that a player who runs the 40 yard dash in 4.6 seconds is clearly no faster than one who runs it in 5.4 seconds. Why bother measuring the tenths? What a waste.

Gregg Easterbrook is so fucking stupid that I can't even creatively express my rage.

The NBA season has started, so it won't be long until an official somberly instructs a timekeeper to put a tenth of a second back on the clock.

Hopefully, because then he will write about it and then I will get to write a blog entry that looks exactly like this one in response.

There is no chance Tebow or any quarterback under game conditions can tell the difference between 1.2 seconds, 1.3 seconds or 1.4 seconds.

Very true. However, idiot, that's not the point of whatever these drills are. It's to give Tebow an innate sense of how long is too long to hold onto the ball. Say he runs drill X 100 times. He releases the ball after 1.2 seconds 25 times, after 1.3 seconds 50 times, and after 1.4 seconds 25 times. You think he couldn't pick out at least a few of the times he held the ball that fraction of a second too long? I'm reasonably sure he could. And while he may be incapable of doing that kind of thinking during a game, the point of a drill is to make it so you don't have to think when the game rolls around. You just act.

Probably a good quarterback can tell the difference between one second and two seconds under game conditions, which is impressive enough.

I can tell the difference bewteen 1 second and 2 seconds when I'm playing a pickup game with my friends. I am not a good quarterback. Anyone with a working brain should be able to make that distinction.

But, "Tim, make your read in 1.3 seconds" is a meaningless instruction.

You're a fucking idiot.

See? And I'm still right.

Large, comfortable, well-lit, well-ventilated underground passageways also continue to star in nonsense entertainment. In the recent remake of "Pelham 1-2-3," the bad guys discover an "abandoned subway tunnel" that opens directly into … the lobby of the Waldorf Hotel. At what point, exactly, did the subway once run through the Waldorf? (Addendum: Numerous readers, including Pete Klaiber of Moscow, Idaho, are reporting there actually is an abandoned subway line to the Waldorf Astoria.)

Snarky point! (Oh, and confession that snarky point was completely wrong.)

Then the terrific Indianapolis offensive line -- which started three undrafted players -- adjusted to the feeling of the Jersey/B blitz, and the Jets never got to Manning again.

Don't expect Gregg to write anything about the Jets' awesome offensive line, anchors of the league's #1 rushing defense- it has four count 'em four 1st round picks as starters. BUT DID YOU KNOW JEFF SATURDAY WASN'T DRAFTED?

The Michigan state personal income tax is now 3.95 percent -- it's certainly not 4 percent! The New Jersey top state tax rate is now 8.97 percent -- certainly not 9 percent! Where I live, in Montgomery County in Maryland, the top state-and-county combined tax rate is 9.45 percent -- certainly not 9.5 percent!

How absurdly pseudo-accurate! Say you live in Michigan and your yearly household taxable income is $100,000. (Pretty unlikely if you live in Michigan in the year 2010, but work with me here.) I mean, what's the different between giving up $3,950 of your income to that particular tax vs. $4,000? Fifty bucks? Who cares about fifty bucks? Over the course of several different types of taxes, say you just round everything like this up and end up paying an extra $200 a year. Who cares about two hundred bucks? Certainly not middle or lower class families. I think next time I file my taxes, I'll just round the rate up to the nearest 10%. Paying what the legislature has determined the exact rate to be is just too ridiculously quasi-specific for me.